Creating Your Own Villainous Pokémon Team!

Introduction

So, you've decided you want to become a villainous Pokémon team leader, for God knows what reason. Knowing you, you've already gotten an evil sneer perfected. Maybe you stood in front of a mirror doing a terrible Mark Strong impression until you were absolutely sure that you got it right.

You've probably even grabbed a couple of Hyper Potions from the local PokéMart, just in case. But you won't get anywhere with just a couple of items and a smile so smug it gets a Special Attack boost every time it uses Leaf Storm (although admittedly both help). "So what more can I do?", you ask? Well, luckily for you, we have brought over some of the most infamous master criminals of all time to give you some tips and pointers on how to achieve your own climb to fame and glory.

(This isn't you.)

Without further ado, here is what they advise:

1) Appearance

This oft-overlooked step is often the difference between being the top dog and being the person who takes orders from the top dog.

THIS is you.

A sophisticated, threatening appearance is necessary to bully people into helping you or getting out of your way. Leaders should be charismatic, and for villainous leaders, that goes double. How else are you going to get people to rally behind your completely idiotic message? If you want to fully appreciate the effect that appearance has on success, well, you'll listen more closely if told by one of the most famous criminals of the Pokémon world:

Cyrus

I had a message that realistically no one should have listened to... it was essentially a suicide pact, which was hastily covered up by lies and half-assed excuses. However, through the sheer sophisticated intimidation that my appearance provided, I was able to rally forces rivaling Giovanni's. Notice my silver and black color scheme. Black has been scientifically proven to instill fear in others, and silver makes the whole outfit sleeker and modern, making it appear smarter. A good posture is also helpful, as can be seen by the confident pose I strike, making me the metaphorical 'Alpha Male' in most scenarios.

By taking Cyrus's advice and examples into consideration, we can deduce that keeping a threatening appearance is almost as important as your terrible Mark Strong impersonations.

Almost.

2) Goals

Okay, so you've traded your Cheetos-stained pajamas for a stylish suit and overcoat worthy of the master criminal you know you are. What next, you ask? Well, you're going to need to have a goal to rally your forces behind. After all, it's much easier to guarantee loyalty from troops if they feel they have something worth defending. But don't take our word for it... just take the word of the two most feared and respected generals of crime!

Maxie

There are generally two main stages in developing a goal. The first, which is finding a source of power, will be covered by yours truly. Now, you'll want to search your region for a Pokémon powerful enough for you to gravitate towards. Why a Pokémon? Well, considering the fact that so many of them have the power to bend reality and the laws of physics to their personal whims begs the question: what better power source to worship and promise your clueless henchmen eternal strength with? Having a statue of this Pokémon will be beneficial, as it provides a mystical feel to this Pokémon.

Archie

I'll be covering the second stage, which is actually formulating the plan. Much more important, I'd say. Anyways, you'll want to devote as much time to this Pokémon you've chosen as possible. Get your best men on it, find out what makes it special, and figure out how to use that special power to achieve your goals. For example, if your Pokémon brings eternal rain (cough cough), you'll want to flood the world; if your Pokémon devours souls, you'll want to get rid of feelings; and if your Pokémon is Victini, you can give the whole world a stomachache due to how hard they'll be laughing at you.

3) Gathering Supporters

Now that you have your evil plan and evil obsession in order, you'll need some henchmen to do the dirty work for you. It is ideal that they should all look identical, to create a feeling of conformity in them. After all, you don't want any challenge to your authority, and for all you know, someone out there has better leadership qualities than you.

Thankfully though, no one can match your flawless impression.

Furthermore, when it comes to Pokémon, just give them your standard Zubat or Rattata, they're cheap and besides, who's actually going to battle them?

If you're more concerned about how you're actually going to recruit forces, well, you're looking in the wrong place. I can't tell you that.

Luckily for you, I know someone who can.

Ghetsis

To actually gather your supporters, you need a reliably justifiable cover for your evil plan. You want to flood the world? Say you want to extend the ocean's majestic reach, and fish maniacs will join you. You want to rid the world of feelings? Say you want to stop corruptionand idealistic people will join you. You want to steal everyone's Pokémon? Say you want to free the oppressed pets from their cruel masters, and PETA will probably make a game starring you. Your Mark Strong impression should come in handy here, as people tend to appreciate charismatic leaders, so make sure to brush up on Sherlock Holmes and The Imitation Game before you go preaching.

4) Staying Avoided

Now, you'll want to stay out of the spotlight for the first leg of your journey to villainous fame, in order for your plan to get off the ground before people spot you. However, you ARE a villainous leader and would like to be known as one, so eventually you want to come out of the shadows and make yourself known. Before that, however, there are steps to making sure you aren't stopped immediately when you reveal yourself. To give you these tips, I call upon a man who has so much experience staying hidden that he was even a Gym Leader before being discovered.

Giovanni

The police normally won't be a bother, as they can barely tell the difference between a Voltorb and a Poké Ball, but just in case, you'll want to bribe your region's governor. A couple of hundred Poké Dollars or a Great Ball should do. If you're broke, you can just put on your charismatic sneer and make offers he can't refuse. But don't go putting Rapidash heads in anyone's bed or anything, that's the exact opposite of what you want (although if you do wish to go down that route, we recommend Zebstrika heads instead;they're lighter and easier to carry).

Generally the best time to reveal yourself is right before your evil plan is put into action, as this will both give you publicity for your villainy (and your killer Mark Strong impersonation) and also get you your rival, hopefully. Speaking of rival....

5) Opposition

Finally, as everyone knows, all the greatest villains have their rivals, who wish to thwart their evil plans. Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham, Joker and Batman, and Harry Potter and Voldemort... so to achieve the final step in becoming on par with those great (or horrible, as it were) men, you must have someone for whom the common people can root for against you. Because let's be honest, the only way to get famous is to be hated.

Now, to round off our panel, we call upon a truly hated messenger of our times to give you the full scope of what to expect from rivalry.

Lysandre

Now, seeing as you've gotten this far into becoming an evil team leader, you don't want to cop out now at the final step. However, you don't want to risk getting your evil plan thwarted either, because that never ends out well for anybody (except everyone the rival will save, but those are just technicalities). So, since who the rival is doesn't matter, just the fact that you have a rival is sufficient, you should pick someone who isn't very likely to defeat you. A child would be suitable for this purpose, usually a young boy or girl who starts out at the very first town on the map. This will mean they don't have much education, and therefore aren't smart enough to stop you.

With all that in mind, if you follow these steps you should soon be up with the rest of the great villains of our time. Good luck on your quest to infamous villainy, and keep practicing your Mark Strong impression.

You'll get it right someday.

HTML by coR..

« Previous Article