EXPLICIT CONTENT

[Brambane]

THE BEST FUCKING UBER TEAM EVER

Introduction
Alright, you know me and I got a top class Uber's RMT for y'all.

What?

You don't know me?

WELL YOU FUCKING DO NOW.

That's goddamn right. We are skipping the bullshit. I'm here to show you how fucking MEN play Ubers. Don't listen to those scrubs telling you to use Ho-Oh or Chansey or Darkrai. If you want to play Ubers, you got to play HARD. You got to want to play DIRTY. You need to be packing the GODDAMN STRONGEST POKEMON YOU CAN FIND. If you think this is going to be some cute stall team then you better pack your bags and get out of my office. This is straight up, ass-kicking offense. So read on, young grasshopper, and let me show you the ways of the best goddamn tier in the game.

THE FUCKING TEAM

Kyogre @ Choice Specs
Trait: Drizzle
EVs: 4 HP / 252 SAtk / 252 Spd
Modest Nature
- Water Spout
- Hydro Pump
- Ice Beam
- Thunder

Choice Scarf Kyogre is for high school freshmen who walk in on 4/20 pretending to be high because they’re too pussy to actually smoke pot. And don’t even bother with Leftovers. If you want a MANLY POKEMON that is going to put fucking hair on your chest, then you need CHOICE SPECS MODEST KYOGRE. This mothafucka doesn’t give a single fuck about anything. He smacks bitches like Blissey, Chansey and Ferrothorn around like they were fucking their boyfriends for free. Nobody gets in on pimpdaddy Kyogre’s hoes for free. Kyogre is so loaded he is making it rain, which his homies like Forretress love. Kyogre doesn’t take shit slow, he does everything fast and hard. If you try to stall him out he’s gonna fucking bust a Create-A-Pokemon in your ass. Probably Colossoil, his whale homie and basketball teammate. Yeah, Kyogre smashes through just about every thing in Ubers. Except Grassceus. Grassceus sucks.

Forretress @ Leftovers
Trait: Sturdy
EVs: 252 HP / 252 SDef
Calm Nature
- Stealth Rock
- Spikes
- Rapid Spin
- Toxic

Alright, Kyogre may be the best Arceus-damn thing since sliced bread, but he just doesn’t go walking around the streets alone. He has his posse following around everywhere, ready to beat the shit out of whatever thug tries to get in his way. Forretress sets up all of Kyogre’s deals and makes sure his bitches get out there safely. Ubers is a tough place to live, but Forretress has got everyone scoped out. Ho-Oh? Stealth Rock, ya fucking turkey. Zekrom? Spike your damn tires. Giratina-o? I got a Toxic for you. But as soon as the heat comes out, its time for Kyogre to step right back in and show them who is the boss.

Kyurem-White @ Life Orb
Trait: Turboblaze
EVs: 6 HP / 252 SAtk / 252 Spd
Timid Nature
- Roost
- Focus Blast
- Draco Meteor
- Ice Beam

FREEZE FUCKING ALL. Kyurem-w doesn’t care if you’re Lugia, if you’re Groudon, or if you’re that punkass Grassceus, he’ll Ice Beam your ass back to the Ice Age. If that bitch Heatran or Steelceus tries to stop him, he has a Focus Blast ready to anally invade them with. But its dat Draco Meteor. DAT DRACO METEOR. Makes my dick hard just thinking about it. Let me put it this way: you come in on Draco Meteor, you’re done. And not only you. Your wife, your mother, your kids, your uncle who you never talk to: all done. And when Kyurem-w needs a pick-me-up, he just Roosts like that Life Orb recoil never happened. Kyogre may be the toughest bloke around, but Kyurem-w is right behind him.

Arceus-Ghost @ Spooky Plate
Trait: Multitype
EVs: 4 HP / 252 SAtk / 252 Spd
Timid Nature
- Recover
- Calm Mind
- Focus Blast
- Judgment

Forretress may have to entire tier down, but one thing he can’t stand are those damn Rapid Spinners. But if they think they can step in on Kyogre’s crew, they better think again. Ghostceus comes right in like a motherfucking phantom and stops their ass COLD. And then he practices yoga or some other shit and gets his game on. Focus Blast and Judgment hit every punk for neutral damage. Recover makes sure Ghostceus feels Himself-damn fit as a fiddle. Except Toxic. He hates that shit. And Whirlwind. And Dragon Tail. And some other shit. But in the end, Ghostceus is like Furai’s cock: an absolute beast who will fuck you goddamn senseless if you get it going.

Palkia @ Choice Scarf
Trait: Pressure
EVs: 4 HP / 252 SAtk / 252 Spd
Timid Nature
- Spacial Rend
- Hydro Pump
- Thunder
- Fire Blast

There are a lot of posers out there trying to play themselves off as the real deal, but those punkass Kyogre get sorted out by this big guy right here. He is the top tier Kyogre counter and revenge killer. He makes sure that bitch Mewtwo does come out and steamroll the entire damn team. Now this guy wasn’t raised on the coast, so he ain’t got any surfin’ skills. But he’s got a motherfucking Hydro Pump that can knock any fool off their feet. Fire Blast fries Groudon if he tries to step in on Kyogre’s turf.

Lugia @ Leftovers
Trait: Multiscale
EVs: 4 Def / 252 SAtk / 252 Spd
Modest Nature
- Aeroblast
- Earth Power
- Roost
- Calm Mind

Like I wouldn’t use my favorite damn Pokemon. As I said, Kyogre ain’t about that stall bullshit. He wants shit done FAST. And fucking offensive Lugia does shit fast. Unlike his bro Ghostceus, Lugia can’t just come in and start hitting bitches. He needs some zen time, some time to get his shit straight. But once its all set up, he goes insane. You can’t even see this fucker move. He’ll come right up to your Rayquaza and Aeroblast his face in. And Dialga? Taste that delicious Earth Power. Roost makes sure that he can keep his sick threads in shape so he can take Ice Beams all damn day. He doesn’t like playing his hand early, though. When everyone else has had their share, Lugia comes in and CLEANS. THE. FUCK. UP.

CONCLUSION

I hoped you liked my team. And by hope I mean I know you did. Even if you fucking hated it you fucking love to hate. Rate, Copy, Enjoy.

PEACE OUT.

 

[rileydelete]

A cool team, but it seems that you should watchout for Darkrai and Mewtwo. Darkrai can shred through Lugia and Arceus (Ghost) with it's STAB boosted dark pulses, and this is completely forgetting dark void. Meanwhile, Mewtwo can roast your forretress with a fire attack and break your Kyurem with an Aura Sphere or two. These Pokeomon are far from uncommon in this tier, be ready.

Again, nice team. Good luck Dracoyoshi8!

 

[superstar]

Hot damn this is funny. I'm not sure if you actually want rates, but if you do, a couple of suggestions:
1. Hydro Pump isn't slappin any more bitchese that Surf doesn't if you aren't sporting some Specs. I like Surf, for total accuracy on the hoes

2. Chansey takes a big shit all over your team if they can stop you from getting a ton of spikes around her cute lil feet. Maybe put a Psycho Killer Mewtwo over Lugia. Takes niggas to town, especially if you have Taunt. They resist your .38 "Special" moves, punch them in the face with Psystrike.

 

[TheOnyx]

Funny as hell but there are a few things i suggest:
Timid>Modest on Lugia to outspeed Timid Non-Scarf Palkia
Surf>Hydro Pump on Kyogre cause it's just as good and doesn't miss
Volt Switch>Toxic on Forretress to get Switch Advantage on all the physical attackers that will switch out
Draco Meteor>Spacial Rend on Palkia cause let's admit it: your only gonna use H-Pump and D Meteor got more swag
Also, your team has problems with Chansey so I would use Giratina-O>Ghostceus so you can spam Outrage on Chansey

But overall this is a good ass team

 

[Arcticblast]

For those of you complaining about a Chansey weakness:
252+ SpA Choice Specs Kyogre Water Spout vs. 4 HP / 252+ SpD Eviolite Chansey in rain: 313-369 (48.75 - 57.47%) -- guaranteed 2HKO after Stealth Rock
Get fucked, Chansey.

This RMT has convinced me to play Ubers.

 

[blitzlefan]

goddamn i love this fucking hilarious RMT and of course i luvdisc'd.
quick suggestions: psycho killer mewtwo over lugia because the two threats u mentioned (rayquaza and dialga) get fucked by ice beam and aura sphere. also nails down darkrai too. and goddamn he is one badass poke and slightly negates the lack of Atk-based pokes
surf>hydro pump on kyogre as many have suggested
draco meteor>fire blast on palkia, as you have rain support from kyogre
maybe a zekrom?

 

[His Eminence Lord Poppington II]

hydro pump on specs is very important, as it can 2hko bliss /chans / ferro with much less residual damage when kyogre is injured. it also achieves ohkoes on 252 hp arceus formes.

i'd use outrage on palkia over fire blast so cm latias doesn't fuck you up the ass.

i'd also use 252 hp ghost arceus so it can switich into draco meteors and such more easily.

watch out for darkrai and mewtwo lol

 

[polop]

Love the team Dracoyoshi. Your diction is hilarious x_X and the team is incredibly sturdy!

There is one small problem I do see though. That problem is Cro Kyogre. It can knab a quick CM up on Forry as you switch to Palkia, and from there proceed to get another Calm Mind on Palkia as it Thunders. It can then Rest of the damage and proceed to setup at its own leisure. The only way you can attempt to ward the threat off from getting more Calm Minds after this is to start a Calm Mind war with it using Lugia or Ghost Arceus. In this event Kyogre wins as it takes less then 30% from Ghost Arceus's +6 Judgment, after it has obtained 6 Calm Minds, which is simply put, the strongest move you have against it.

I can also see SD Rayquaza and Extremekiller w/t Lum Berry being minor threats. After a Swords Dance they can threaten the entire team. Going to Forry being your normal reaction against Extremekiller might not be such a good idea in this case since it has Lum Berry Safeguarding it against status meaning it Forry will get 2HKOed by +2 Earthquake (assuming Stealth Rock is up) as it fails to status it. After that your forced to send out Ghost Arceus, meaning your relying on winning two speed ties. SD Rayquaza does a similar job if it runs Fire Blast SD EQ Dragon Claw and Stealth Rock is up. After knabing a Swords Dance it will be able to OHKO everything (although it can't outspeed Arceus-Ghost or Lugia).

All these issues are salvaged by making a quick change to Lugia's set. It remains a Calm Minder but with a slight twist.

Lugia

Lugia @ Leftovers*** Credit to trickroom who used this in the Iron Curtain RMT
Trait: Multiscale
EVs: 252 HP / 176 Def / 80 SpD <- you can change EVs and nature if you want
Bold Nature (+Def, -Atk)
- Ice Beam / Aeroblast
- Roost
- Calm Mind
- Whirlwind

Simply put, by using Whirlwind you can screw over CroKyogre after it sets up since you can phaze it out after your little skrimish and kill it off when it comes back in. Ice Beam lets you ruin Rayquaza who can't OHKO you with +2 ExtremeSpeed while Lugia is also bulky enough to tank a +2 ExtremeSpeed and phaze the Arceus out. The only problem that comes with this is that Lugia loses a coverage move, but that shouldn't really matter for a mon thats supposed to reach +6 right?

Also for everyone saying Mewtwo and Darkrai are a problem... Palkia can revenge Mewtwo that lack a Calm Mind with Rain Boosted Hydro Pump: 252 SpA Palkia Hydro Pump vs. 4 HP / 0 SpD Mewtwo in rain: 358-423 (101.12 - 119.49%)

Those that can get a Calm Mind are eliminated by the same pump after SR and 2 rounds of Life Orb damage: 252 SpA Palkia Hydro Pump vs. +1 4 HP / 0 SpD Mewtwo in rain: 240-283 (67.79 - 79.94%)

The same case occurs with Darkrai except he's OHKOed without rocks, can't OHKO back with +2 Dark Pulse, and at +1 he remains OHKOed by Hydro Pump.

I agree with Poppy's suggestion of changing Ghost Arceus's EVs and the change to using Outrage on Palkia.

I feel my diction is out of place X_X.

 

[superstar]

Poppy is right that you need Hpump on Kyogre. I was suggesting replacing it with Surf on Palkia, since the power difference is less noticeable On Scarf.
Outrage is a good idea for Palkia, since once Kyogre has switched into SR a few times Chansey will wall this whole team. You can't rely on spinning to keep Ogre healthy with a Ghost on every team.

 

[Furai]

oh my GOD this is amazing.

In addition to Mr.lol's and Poppy's changes, I recommend Substitute > Recover on Ghost Arceus (my dick!) so you could easily turn the pink blobs into setup fodder and wreck. With all of those changes you still keep your high natural offense while still being to check the metagame's most deadly sweepers, including Rayquaza and Arceus. Don't go for Surf on Palkia imo, you need that power. Volt Switch on Forretress is also not worth it as Forretress is your prime check to Arceus.

Sexy ass team Draco, refer to my sig; you've earned this luvdisc with great honor

 

[Feel the Aura]

fucking. hilarious.

I'd definetly run Timid over Modest on Lugia. I might take some power away, but that extra speed allows you to outspeed non-scarfed Palkia, which is obviously important. It also allows you to otuspeed random things like Garchomp (non choce scarf), but outspeeding Palkia is the most important. Plus, maybe youll get another CM in with dat speed. I also agree with Furai in running Substitute over Recover on Ghostceus.
luvdisc eaned, hell of an RMT!

 

[GRB1]

Look man. I wanna just set this straight before the rate.

YOU.ARE.MY.HERO.

Your explosive masterpieces of vulgarity... just... so beautiful. I have been running Reshiram as my sweeper and you, my good fucking (had to get that f-bomb in there somewhere) sir, almost converted me to Kyogre-ism (almost). I saw the beast now like a ... a blue whale version of Megan Fox here to kick ass and take names. And thank you for running ModestSpecs. That is something I have not seen in a while tbh and I'm sure it'll work great for you. I cannot stress how awesome you are for making this hilarious and efficient RMT.
Arceus bless you (and I don't mean Furai's ghostceus dick)

Sorry for the lengthy praise, now on to the rate:
First of all SDquaza CANNOT be allowed to set up, because once it does, you are in for deep shit and may sacrifice one pokemon before Ghostceus or Lugia can come in and
"CLEANS. THE. FUCK. UP."
Speaking of Lugia, I know he's your favorite pokemon, but psycho-killer mewtwo tends to fill a larger more important role right now. A.k.a., late game sweeping and taking chansey's pink ass face to poke-hell. Or as a last and less important suggestion, maybe go for scarfing kyurem to take down ScarfKrom or the previously mentioned dancing green dic- I mean SDquaza on the revenge kill. Minor suggestions really.

Your such a beast and the team is amazing! Luvdisc earned my friend, Luvdisc earned.

 

[kd24]

I don't understand why you're using Sharp Beak at all. Items like Sharp Beak are used on Pokemon that bluff choice sets and need it to guarantee 2HKOs and OHKOs. Lugia is a tank that can CM up, Recover, tank with Multiscale, and repeat the process before sweeping. I don't think words can really explain how important Leftovers is towards this. You aren't going to be bluffing anyone with that Lugia because no one is going to be expecting a Choiced set, and even if they did, you aren't hitting hard enough for it to matter. Leftovers allows you to Recover/MultiScale stall, it relieves switching in on Stealth Rock, and I can guarantee that like any Pokemon, you will take specific hits and turn them from 2HKOs into 3HKOs or something to that effect. It holds true with everything.

You didn't provide calcs so is there any reason you are using Sharp Beak over Leftovers when one item is clearly better than the other. I'm all for creativity but not when it only hinders you.

 

[Delver]

This RMT has convinced me to play Ubers.

^
Excellently well done. I woke up my roomate laughing. Totally going to give ubers a try. Sorry if spam post.

 

[Arizona]

Going to try to reframe my points with maximal neutrality of tone.

1. This brand of humor is clearly popular on Smogon, which has been voiced, but I would like to voice for the rest of us that it does not appeal to everyone.

2. While the raison d'etre of this RMT is the humor, it would be cool to see more discussion of the strategy of the team, e.g. what are the hardest matchups, why specific natures were used, etc.

3. I would recommend putting 4 Def EVs on Forretress and Leftovers on Lugia.

 

[mewtwo15026]

First of all, the humor appeals to anyone when read in a Brooklyn accent.

Second of all, great team! I never thought of Kyu-W on a rain team of all things (I think I used to use one on my sun team, but...). One question: how does one play a Forretress like yours? I've found myself severe setup fodder unless I run Volt Switch.

May the ladder be ever in your favor.