Crisis

[Tak]

Hi, i know most of you dont know me but thats fine. i came to seek for help and answers.

I'll start from the beginning. School has started and things were going very well. I enjoyed hanging out with my friends and my classes. Towards Nov-Dec i started hanging out this girl named sally who i met last year through Key Club. We were both officers and we were getting along very well. She is very fun and nice on the inside; however, she likes to bottle thigns on the inside and run away. I learned that the hard way. I felt like i was falling for her at the time around dec. but another part of me said no im cant. In Mid Dec i began to text her and IM her a lot.

Next, two of my friends asked me who i was planning to take to prom. Her name came up and I said yeah and then i felt like there really was no one i rather go with because i know i would have the most fun with her out of everyone. Our group formed where there were seven of us friends who hung out all of the time. I started to get closer to her everytime we get the chance to hang out. I would flirt adn talk with her a lot. Later, i finally had the guts to ask her to prom and i was so happy she said yes.

Eventually, I also started to feel jealousy whenever she was with another guy so i tried to get closer to her but she kept backing away from me at times. It hurt me so bad whenever she did this. i felt like i was annoying her. I told my two best friends about how i felt and that was it. I told some other people who i thought i could trust about how i was taking her to prom.

Around Valentine's day, they let it slipped out that i had told them about prom and she got embarrassed. I overreacted and yelled at my friends. I had stopped talking to them for two days and later everything calmed down. Now at school, she didnt even bother to really talk to me anymore. She began to flirt with this other guy and they got really annoying not to just me but everyone. My friends started to feel that they cant stand how she is.

Later i typed up an email about how i felt and i told her everything. I didn't know at the time that she wouldn't know how to deal with this and the only thing she can do now is to ignore me completely. I wished she can understand or know how much pain i am going through right now. She doesn't answer the phone when i text or call her.All of my friends have split up into sort of two separate groups. I feel like its my fault that they are choosing sides. It has been two weeks that she had been ignoring me.

She returns an email now telling me that she doesnt feel the same way that i do and she only sees me as a friend. She cant look at me the same way as before and i am no longer going to prom with her because she believes that things will not work out. It is all too much for her to handle right now. i was crushed and i honestly cant deal with it anymore. I can no longer go to prom or my graduation. I cant even play tennis. I dont think i can even stay friends with anyone right now. I asked my friend to take me out of the personal yearbook page that had all of our friends in it All i can do now is go to school and nothing else. I seriously do not know how to deal with this or move on.

I couldnt stopped crying last night and i felt like the biggest pussy in the world. I stayed home today because i couldnt bear to see her or let anyone see me right now. I felt like i let everyone down because i couldnt keep a promise that i would fix things between everyone. I want to go to prom with her as one of my everylasting memories in high school. I really felt like dying that night (which was last night). I dont know how i can focus on my school work. I really cant move on and i dont know how. Im so lost and i felt like my life has been twisted around so much.

Please give me answers. I honestly do not know what to do anymore. Im incapable of solving anything. I have let everyone down. If you can help me please. I am desperate for answers.. I cant asked my real life friends at the moment. SO please try to help me because everyone tells me that everything will be all right but i do not see it happening

 

[Bourbon]

CRISIS: your only choice is interstellar war

Usually I give these relationship advice threads a wide berth because they all have the same simple problem but I'm tired of holding back.

I used to have the same problem as you, I'd like some chick, she'd show mild interest back, and then when you try and get anywhere with them, they back off. Here is why.

Girls hate any and all "wussy" behaviour.

This includes:

-Jealousy
-Clinginess
-Needy behavior
-Seeming upset if they don't call / text back
-You let her take control of the situation

1. Jealousy

First of all, don't show any signs of jealousy if she goes somewhere with another guy. If you do, it tells her that she can string you along and do whatever she wants, and you'll take her back. Show her you don't give a fuck by going out with another chick. Don't make a huge deal of it because you might scare her away, but just enough to show her that you don't need her. Your presence is her privilege, not the other way around.

2. Clinginess

The more you try and get all close to her, the more she'll pull away because she's not attracted to you right now. You turned her off by being a wuss with no confidence. She WANTS to like you but she can't, the feeling just isn't there. It'd be like if you were being smothered by the affection of a really nice but FUGLY girl... as you can imagine that'd be rather irritating. So instead, pull away a bit for now.

3. Needy behavior

Take my advice from (1) and go find other shit to do. Stop texting her so often (once every few days is PLENTY unless she's the one texting you) and find other female friends to do stuff with. If there is anything women like, it's competition. Sometimes, if you're trying to get with a certain girl, the best way to do it is to hit on her obviously less attractive friends.

When you're hanging out with your group of friends, don't walk beside her or try and hold her hand or anything. If she tries to get close to you, BUST HER BALLS, say something like "whoa, it's not like we're going out or anything". You know what this does? It rekindles that attraction. You're detaching yourself from her, and she wants what she can't have. This, coupled with your newfound confidence and independence will make her interested again. Now she has to compete for your attention.

4. Calling / Texting

Don't freak out if she doesn't answer the phone or a text. Don't call or text back until a couple days later. If you show any hint of being angry or upset when you do end up contacting them, they'll be thinking "wow, what a desperate loser".

Also, if she texts you, wait at least one minute before replying to each one, as if you're busy. And if she calls, let it ring a couple times before answering. This gives the illusion that you have more important things going on, even if you're like, sitting at home in your boxers watching TV or something, she doesn't have to know... you're "busy"

5. You're in control.

Don't make it seem like you have all day to hang out with her. Set up times where you have to leave, again, if you make yourself harder to get and more independent she'll want you more than if you were super easy and manipulatable. You're in control. You decide what you're doing, when you're doing it, what you're having for lunch... everything. Girls hate being asked "what do you want to do". As long as it's not super lame she'll be impressed that you make your own decisions.



So anyways, here is your plan of action. Do those five things, and ALSO change these simple things about yourself. I'm not talking about trying to alter your personality, just some simple behavioral modification.

-Don't slouch when you walk with your hands in your pockets. Develop a more confident way of getting around: head up, no shuffling your feet, feel sure of yourself.

-Talk slower and make pauses when appropriate. When you talk really fast or mumble it comes off that you don't think what you're saying is important.

-You have to be the most interesting person in the room. Lead conversations, tell the funniest stories, the best jokes, etc. You're the center of attention. Bask in it, enjoy it. But whatever you do don't come across as a douchebag by interrupting people or shutting them down if they aren't talking about something totally engrossing.

-Make eye contact when appropriate.



So anyways you got yourself a standard case of being a wussy clingy guy. Ever here "nice guys" bitching about how they don't get any? It's because women see them as wusses. Be confident, and maybe a little arrogant and you'll have much more success.


SERIOUSLY Tak, give this a try. You're at rock bottom already, taking a bit of a risk isn't going to hurt because you have nothing left to lose.

 

[Veedrock]

These situations blow. No joke (been there, done that). Everyone has been through this to a degree; like a girl, get sorta involved, and have her walk away for seemingly no reason. It happens. (note: girls are massive bitches like that) Don't feel alone on this matter, happens to most everyone at some point.

These things happen, and don't be surprised if it happens again (same girl or another). It may feel like it's the end of the world, like you'll never get over it. But before long you will. It's only been one night. Give it a few more. Take a break from school and your friends for a bit. This hasn't "twisted your life" like you believe, and if it really has (it hasn't, don't think it has), the real world is going to hurt. Haha.

Don't bother feeling remorse for not fixing things in your click. That'll sort itself out and you really aren't responsible for it. You didn't make your friends "choose sides," so they shouldn't pin it on you. And from my understanding, people had problems with her, not you.

Take this time to get your priorities straight. That will help offset the blow. There are more important things than her, try to figure out what they are. If you're letting this girl affect you so much that you can't do schoolwork and that you're going to distance yourself from your friends and family, something's not right. It's one girl so don't let her ruin the rest of your life. And if one single girl out of the billions out there has this much impact, wait until the real world strikes at you. In the big scheme of things, this is insignificant (even if it doesn't feel that way). Take time to figure out what's really important and put them before anything else. Forcing these feelings aside for more important things will help you get over it.

Remember, there's more than one fish in the sea. You will get over this, but you have to let it happen. Don't cling to the idea of her. Also, Bourbon is (surprisingly) spot on with how these things happen (clingy, jealous, etc).

 

[Tak]

@bourbon- i will attempt what you have told me but it will take time for me to adjust to something like that after dealing this blow. i really felt like the world's biggest pussy but i wont anymore. i just have to move on.

@veedrock- i am also going to take you advice on getting my priorities straight. schoolwork is the only thing i can do right now. as about the friends i felt like i have burdened them heavily so i am going to try to make amends with them tomorrow and make sure that they dont worry anymore.

thanks. i hope to get more advice though

 

[Bourbon]

haha veedrock... sometimes I know what I'm talking about :)

@ doctor heartbreak

this isn't supposed to be relationship advice, I'm trying to help get her back. Obviously a relationship can't be based off of lies, I'm just attempting to explain that his behavior caused her to be disinterested. Save the sensitive stuff for when you actually have a girlfriend, attempting to be affectionate doesn't work at first.

 

[Doctor Heartbreak]

be very wary of bourbon's advice. it works, most of the time, with certain girls, but you'll find that it discourages meaningful, satisfying relationships in the long run. you want to be with someone who you can act yourself around - if you train yourself to be constantly analyzing, acting, making calculated moves, you'll never feel comfortable or honest in a relationship.

 

[Doomsday]

Yeah see, I'm in a very close situation to that of the OP's. And even though I realize I've been making all the rookie mistakes Bourbon pointed out (needy, clingy, jealous) I can't even conceive the idea of distancing away from this girl. Classic situation - I am affectionate, I carry her stuff, I treat her gently, I put up with most of her crap - and like, it's not that she treats me badly! We flirt a lot, we hang around a lot and very very rarely we make out (meaningless make out though), but deep down I'm just a friend (a very dear one though), which makes this hard. First, it's not easy for me to distance myself from her, and second, I don't want to hurt her in the process :(

As pathetic as this sounds I center my life around her. It's probably important to refer we are old friends.

How bad is my case?

EDIT: and I really didn't want to post this because i just know how to replies are gonna be ("you gotta get some distance and find more girls") but that ain't easy at all and it's the last thing i wanna hear. i'm a gigantic pussy.

 

[Tak]

not as bad as mine. right now she wont even speak to me. and right now i dont know if she likes another guy or not. that is the only part that is still eating me up. im trying to get my life in order right now. it wont be hard for me to distance from her because thats what she wants.

 

[McGrrr]

Everybody goes through a similar experience at some juncture, but asking for answers is unlikely to be helpful because we all deal with it differently. Regardless of how shit you might feel right now, all of this is character building. Give yourself time and sooner or later you will emerge a cannier and maturer individual.

There are more important things in life than girls, especially at your age.

 

[Bourbon]

I guess reading back on it it does sound like I'm saying you should distance yourself from her. I'll try and reword this.

Basically what I'm trying to say is you have to appear that you aren't desperate or needy. By having an air of confidence, people, girls included, give you the respect you deserve. If you bend over backwards to do things for her, she'll walk all over you. Girls like a man who stands up for himself, not spineless wimps.

See, "nice guys" are always confounded by the fact that girls seem to go for the assholes who treat them badly. This isn't exactly true. These guys are confident and independent.

You can be these things without being an asshole, or treating her poorly. You just have to make it clear that you're in charge, you aren't taking shit from nobody (including her) and she needs you, not the other way around. If she's going to waste your time, fine, you'll find another girl who cares.

I know you guys probably think she's the greatest thing ever, and your world revolves around her and you're head over heels in love and whatever... but you can't let her know that until she feels the same way about you. Again, think about it the other way... if a rather plain looking girl you didn't like up and says "i love you" and gets all clingy and stuff, you'll push her away because you aren't attracted to her. Girls are the same way, except they care about behavior first, looks second. So the way to get them to like you is to fix those personality flaws and get your act together.


I used to be a fucking TRAIN WRECK with girls until I figured this all out. Now not only do I have better luck with the opposite sex but I get respect from guys too who notice how I'm so sure of myself.

 

[Tak]

@bourbon- yeah i will agree with you right now but she is still distancing herself from me anyways so i will give her the space she needs or wants. i do feel like a train wreck right now and i do and will change my behavior though. i cant be like the way i am right now

 

[Bourbon]

good luck man everyone is rooting for you I'm sure

 

[SunshineCat]

Usually I give these relationship advice threads a wide berth because they all have the same simple problem but I'm tired of holding back.

I used to have the same problem as you, I'd like some chick, she'd show mild interest back, and then when you try and get anywhere with them, they back off. Here is why.

Girls hate any and all "wussy" behaviour.

This includes:

-Jealousy
-Clinginess
-Needy behavior
-Seeming upset if they don't call / text back
-You let her take control of the situation

1. Jealousy

First of all, don't show any signs of jealousy if she goes somewhere with another guy. If you do, it tells her that she can string you along and do whatever she wants, and you'll take her back. Show her you don't give a fuck by going out with another chick. Don't make a huge deal of it because you might scare her away, but just enough to show her that you don't need her. Your presence is her privilege, not the other way around.

2. Clinginess

The more you try and get all close to her, the more she'll pull away because she's not attracted to you right now. You turned her off by being a wuss with no confidence. She WANTS to like you but she can't, the feeling just isn't there. It'd be like if you were being smothered by the affection of a really nice but FUGLY girl... as you can imagine that'd be rather irritating. So instead, pull away a bit for now.

3. Needy behavior

Take my advice from (1) and go find other shit to do. Stop texting her so often (once every few days is PLENTY unless she's the one texting you) and find other female friends to do stuff with. If there is anything women like, it's competition. Sometimes, if you're trying to get with a certain girl, the best way to do it is to hit on her obviously less attractive friends.

When you're hanging out with your group of friends, don't walk beside her or try and hold her hand or anything. If she tries to get close to you, BUST HER BALLS, say something like "whoa, it's not like we're going out or anything". You know what this does? It rekindles that attraction. You're detaching yourself from her, and she wants what she can't have. This, coupled with your newfound confidence and independence will make her interested again. Now she has to compete for your attention.

4. Calling / Texting

Don't freak out if she doesn't answer the phone or a text. Don't call or text back until a couple days later. If you show any hint of being angry or upset when you do end up contacting them, they'll be thinking "wow, what a desperate loser".

Also, if she texts you, wait at least one minute before replying to each one, as if you're busy. And if she calls, let it ring a couple times before answering. This gives the illusion that you have more important things going on, even if you're like, sitting at home in your boxers watching TV or something, she doesn't have to know... you're "busy"

5. You're in control.

Don't make it seem like you have all day to hang out with her. Set up times where you have to leave, again, if you make yourself harder to get and more independent she'll want you more than if you were super easy and manipulatable. You're in control. You decide what you're doing, when you're doing it, what you're having for lunch... everything. Girls hate being asked "what do you want to do". As long as it's not super lame she'll be impressed that you make your own decisions.



So anyways, here is your plan of action. Do those five things, and ALSO change these simple things about yourself. I'm not talking about trying to alter your personality, just some simple behavioral modification.

-Don't slouch when you walk with your hands in your pockets. Develop a more confident way of getting around: head up, no shuffling your feet, feel sure of yourself.

-Talk slower and make pauses when appropriate. When you talk really fast or mumble it comes off that you don't think what you're saying is important.

-You have to be the most interesting person in the room. Lead conversations, tell the funniest stories, the best jokes, etc. You're the center of attention. Bask in it, enjoy it. But whatever you do don't come across as a douchebag by interrupting people or shutting them down if they aren't talking about something totally engrossing.

-Make eye contact when appropriate.



So anyways you got yourself a standard case of being a wussy clingy guy. Ever here "nice guys" bitching about how they don't get any? It's because women see them as wusses. Be confident, and maybe a little arrogant and you'll have much more success.


SERIOUSLY Tak, give this a try. You're at rock bottom already, taking a bit of a risk isn't going to hurt because you have nothing left to lose.

I would agree and I'm a GIRL. How are you so knowledgeable about girls :)

But I am sorry, as people have said most people have this in their lives and you just have to deal with it.

 

[chenman333]

A real companion for life is really just a very good friend.

Just remember that when picking your soul mate.

 

[klarth]

A real companion for life is really just a very good friend.

Just remember that when picking your soul mate.

I doubt that one can pick their soul mate.
However, I met mine when she was at the pub. She was with her boyfriend of six years. Eventually we ended up together it just took some time (three weeks).

Fuck yeah, I love my girlfriend.

 

[akuchi]

Bourbon, I just think I'll point out that as a female I wouldn't fuck you with your own.

 

[Bourbon]

I suppose I should be thankful you don't speak for all women then

 

[Hipmonlee]

akuchi is a fan of clingy, jealous, needy guys?

On the whole I am a fan of Bourbons advice but not so much the specifics.

On the subject of being yourself. It doesnt really mean be yourself, it means be honest. You actually cant not be yourself.. Even when being yourself you dont have to act entirely intuitively without any thought about the effects of your behaviour.

The whole ball busting suggestion I think is sorta crossing the line there. If she wants to get close and you want her to get close then let her ffs.

Also the posture, smiling, eyecontact and talking speed thing is great though. You dont have to be the centre of attention though.. You just have to work out what changes you can make while still being honest about yourself.

Have a nice day.

 

[klarth]

Hipmonlee, how did you manage to say: YOU'RE TALKING LIKE A CREEPY STALKER AND YOU NEED TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN

in such a nice way?

If I just said what you said I'd get infracted for trolling, maybe it's because you have "Have a nice day at the end of every post?

 

[Tak]

the problem now is i dont know if i still want to be friends with her. my friends were suppose to hang out this weekend and they asked me if she can come. and the thing that was in my head was if i still want to go or be friends with them. i just feel that i cant be friends with her anymore because the only solution to move on from her is to separate from her, but i dont want to have them choose. right now i wont separate from them completely.

i will definitely change my attitude and behavior though. i honestly have not like how i have been acting lately. i just need more time to decide what i should do

i appreciate the support from all of you though.

 

[CaptKirby]

I am too unconcerned with love to reply in depth, but obviously several girls love guys who will do whatever they want, who are wusses, who are clingy, who are jealous, et cetera (not necessarily altogether, which is not what I am trying to imply). I am always flattered when a girl is jealous over anything with me. If she keeps up accusations and stuff, then maybe it is going too far, but just basic jealousy is great. So to take this as advice one must live by or something (to not engage in these types of traits) is silly. You should be however you believe is right, but put it together in a way that still makes you suave and worthwhile.

 

[Hipmonlee]

TBH I only skimmed over the first post before replying I was more talking about general stuff..

Yeah, so now backed up with some idea of the circumstances here, I guess the best I can suggest is just accept you fucked it up and move on. You have some advice about how to proceed next time. And hopefully at some point in your life you'll get over this and realise that rejection is not that big a deal. It's pretty likely to happen to anyone, and all you can do is learn from your mistakes and try not to cry in public.

Have a nice day.

 

[DM]

Uh, yeah, what klarth said. I'm not exactly sure what "help" you really expected by posting this (I fear this forum has become too much of an "waaah waaah help me!" area anyway), from what I gathered you had everything going great and then shot yourself in the foot. Repeatedly.

Learn from your mistakes and move on. In the grand scheme of things this is a non-issue, this isn't even a blip on the radar. Get over it.

 

[TAY]

Learn from your mistakes and move on. In the grand scheme of things this is a non-issue, this isn't even a blip on the radar. Get over it.

Not much else to say. I think this thread has run its course.