The power of looks - the weakness of the flesh?

[Wakaka]

Hello,
I thought about this quite a bit and figured I could get some more oppinions (or maybe even 'help') from this and maybe start an interesting discussion for others.

What I was interested in is: do you know anyone, who looks so good that you would do nearly anything for that person or go out of your way to help her? I don't mean something distant as a star like Meagan Fox or idk, but rather maybe someone as close as a good friend.

With that general question done, here's my case: one of my better friends (bet you didn't see that coming ~~) looks so fantastically attractive that it's getting quite uncomfortable to hang out with him. I do know that I won't have a chance and I do know that acting the way I act is stupid and I plan on stopping it every time our clique meets, but sooner or later I start offering my help (like that one time I helped him painting a room for his boss) or trying to do him a favour without getting anything out of it.
I mean, I have no crush on him, that behaviour is purely based on how he looks.

Now, what to do? Is there some way to stop acting like I drooling retard (which I don't, but I think you get the hyperbole/metaphor) besides not hangning out with that person anymore (which isn't an option, since we are rather close friends and we're both a fixed part of the clique)? And what does that make me? Some shallow pervert, who needs to get laid?

Input appreciated.

 

[Doomsday]

I think it's a subconscious thing, you think someone looks good therefore you want to make them feel pleased with you just try to assert some more self-control!

 

[az]

personally reading through your post i'm having difficulty figuring out how you could be driven to do these things for someone based on their attractiveness and then flat out deny that you have a crush on them

could you please elaborate on your relationship with/feelings for/history with the subject?

 

[Wakaka]

I think that having a crush on someone and finding one attractive are two different things:

It's a rude example, but do you have a crush on all the women you wank off to? Don't get me wrong, it's not instant boner time when I see him either - I'm not twelve anymore, thank you very much - but rather what Doomsday said.

 

[Aiklap]

The real question is does he know about this, and if he does, is he taking advantage of you? If yes, I would say he's not a good friend. If no, (what Doomsday said).

 

[az]

i agree with you; recognising that somebody is attractive and having feelings for them are of course different

my point, however, was that it is unusual to feel compelled to do something for a person based on finding them attractive alone without feelings involved

you ought to reassess your motives for going out of your way to help this person. to take your own example, and i don't think anybody would be running around after models or porn stars if the basis of attraction was an objective aesthetic (<--- case in point here, really) alone

 

[Phantom_IV]

I must admit, I had a similar experience. Except I'm a guy and she was a very hot girl so this kind of thing is considered normal. I suppose it's only natural that these things work the other way around.

Wakaka, that's a pretty funny comment but it's right on. You seem to understand us guys too well.

 

[husk]

I thought guys were only nice to attractive girls to keep their options open.

 

[Force Majeure]

Pics or he's not hot.

It's really a self-confidence issue, as Doomsday pointed out. If you feel better about yourself, you'll be able to accept the fact that he's uberhawts without thinking that he's out of your league. In other words, you have to be like Dennis Kucinich.

 

[McGrrr]

Re: OP

The probability of [getting what you want involving him/her] is always non-zero, and the mere possibility (however remote) is enough of an ulterior motive to ply you to his/her will. Hope is a powerful motivator.

These tendencies become easier to control with maturity, experience, cynicism and confidence.

 

[CaptKirby]

Reading the Bible, as I assume you must have done to get a line like "weakness of the flesh," will never be a good guide to how to interact with your sensations. You should think out how much you want to control yourself and what you like sensing all for yourself.

 

[Wakaka]

[...]

my point, however, was that it is unusual to feel compelled to do something for a person based on finding them attractive alone without feelings involved

you ought to reassess your motives for going out of your way to help this person. to take your own example, and i don't think anybody would be running around after models or porn stars if the basis of attraction was an objective aesthetic (<--- case in point here, really) alone

I grant you that it's not about abjective aesthetic (in fact, objectively he's not even that good looking), but one doesn't have to have a crush on someone to apply one's tastes of attractivity.
Also, (about the porn star) you have to consider the fact that the porn star likely won't be there everytime your friends meet (which means the 'live-tease' is there most of the time); sure I'd be more inclined to help some random stranger (who for example dropped a shitload of stuff on the street) if he looked good, but I won't stalk anyone great looking passing by.

I must admit, I had a similar experience. Except I'm a guy and she was a very hot girl so this kind of thing is considered normal. I suppose it's only natural that these things work the other way around.

Wakaka, that's a pretty funny comment but it's right on. You seem to understand us guys too well.

Oh yeah, about that: I'm a guy, too. But I'm kinda relieved to hear that I'm not the only one in this situation (and that you say it's considered normal).

I thought guys were only nice to attractive girls to keep their options open.

That could very well be, except for the fact that I know that I won't be able to hit (he's not gay, won't change), so that I should know better..

Pics or he's not hot.

It's really a self-confidence issue, as Doomsday pointed out. If you feel better about yourself, you'll be able to accept the fact that he's uberhawts without thinking that he's out of your league. In other words, you have to be like Dennis Kucinich.

The probability of [getting what you want involving him/her] is always non-zero, and the mere possibility (however remote) is enough of an ulterior motive to ply you to his/her will. Hope is a powerful motivator.

These tendencies become easier to control with maturity, experience, cynicism and confidence.

As pointed out above, the probability is pretty much zero, since sexual preference is not a choice; I always considered myself to be a realistic thinking person (which means not naive enough to have those kinds of unrealistic hope), although I agree that I might lack confidence (@Christova: and I don't know how to fix that anytime soon).

Reading the Bible, as I assume you must have done to get a line like "weakness of the flesh," will never be a good guide to how to interact with your sensations. You should think out how much you want to control yourself and what you like sensing all for yourself.

Oh no, I didn't read the Bible once, I just wanted to appear more witty so I took a somewhat fitting sentence I once heard somewhere and put it in the title - don't worry about that :]


About the self-control thing in general: I know that I should try to control it (and I do), it's just easier said than done. However, there might be no other tips to tell me apart from that, so thanks anyway.

 

[CaptKirby]

I thought it was obvious, but you seemed to miss that I just meant you need to decide for yourself entirely, first whether or not you really need to "control" yourself (though you seem to have already, you should not decide you need to just based on some moral imperative or the like), and then if you do decide you need to control yourself, decide how and to what extent.

 

[Mrobinson587]

Weakness of the flesh or rather how we are hardwired

I have a number of of extremely attractive girl friends and I've found the best you can do is be a friend and not expect anything from it. Chances are they know they are attractive and are aware of their effect on other people. Some take advantage of that while others do not, but usually people are aware of their looks. If they really are your friend and you slip up and flirt or hit on them, talk to them about it and let them know that you just want to be friends.

Then again, the feeling may end up being mutual. It's hard to tell sometimes.

 

[Force Majeure]

That could very well be, except for the fact that I know that I won't be able to hit (he's not gay, won't change), so that I should know better..

...for now. But by 2020, everyone will be gay. It's Item 1 on the Gay Agenda.

(@Christova: and I don't know how to fix that anytime soon).

The only way that I've found to be successful in raising my own self-confidence is to make a determined effort to stop comparing myself to people. Sure, sometimes you feel good when you compare yourself to ugly types, but then you look at David Beckham and feel like poo. It might be a mindset thing that's hard to change, but it really starts with accepting the things you like about yourself and working on the things that you think could be better.

 

[Thund91]

You should help your friend because you actually want to, not because you think it'll eventually lead to bed.

That being said, straight crushes suck.

 

[az]

i think McGraw's response is about as astute and accurate a response as you're going to get

it's the be all and end all as far as i can see, and i think you either act on that advice or choose not to, in which case your call for help is not really very valid anymore

 

[Selecta]

I am nicer to good lookin people all the time, for good reason.
Attractive people know attractive girls/guys, get in with them and when you head to partys your options will be much better.
You can head out with a good looking mate, and when you approach a group of girls you will make a better first impression then if your make has a face like a half eaten pie.
Hang with good looking girls and other girls will look at you and be curious, which is a good thing.
Not saying i dont hang with ugly peeps, just believe that certain groups of mates cater for different needs.

 

[Anti]

^ gotta say initially I was just thinking "you're quite superficial" but Selecta makes a decent (at face value) point. That assumes you want to approach a group of girls, or want "girls to be curious" about you, though, rather than avoiding that stuff (e.g taken).