Chodestory 3: Press A to Dirt

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Duke and I woke up at crack of dick (3:30) to catch our 6 o’ clock flight. I made sure to download Nickelback’s “The Long Road” the night before, as I didn’t want Huy to have to play it on his discman. We arrived at the airport and got some sandwiches from a homeless guy on the street outside. Duke got SSSS’d so I had to wait around while the security officer slowly ran his hands up and down Duke’s body. As the guard’s hands climbed Duke’s thighs, Duke’s body tensed. The guard gave him a pat on the bum. “Relax kiddo, you have nothing to worry about.” He turned Duke so they were facing each other. Again the guard’s hands made their way up the inside of Duke’s thighs. “Sir, I am going to have to take you into custody. You are packing heat.”
Duke yelped. I could barely make out the rest of the incident, as at this point the glass was already really steamy. About 8 minutes later, Duke walked out of the class wearing a different shirt and with rubber gloves on. I never asked.

We touched down in Indy around 9:45 and payed a dude to take us to the convention center. When we arrived, the place didn’t look like a pokemon center at all. We exchanged scared looks, as we realized that if we were at the wrong place, we might miss LCQ.

Duke was worried. I could tell he was still shook up from the incident earlier, but it seemed that the possibility of Pokemon being taken away from him was pushing him over the edge. As he looked around, all he saw were black people in suits. At one point we heard someone say “tell brother Edward congrats on the promotion.” We thought that the cab driver had mistaken “Indiana convention center” for “local black person convention center.”

Eventually we found our way, as all good boys do on their adventure. We had both left home when we were 10, so we have been travelling through the region for 8 years. Duke’s father is our only real male role model, but sometimes he is forgetful. I think he has dementia. Like when I first moved in, his dad asked me “boy or girl?” But then he got really cool and we got really tight (I think I am closer to Duke’s dad than Duke is, but don’t tell him that), and gave me a free IPod to record my pokemon adventures on.

Oh man, one time he even forgot Duke’s name and I had to remind him.

Anyway, at the convention center we ran into Ray, TTS, and Short hair Skarm. Unfortunately I didn’t recognize Skarm because there was no flyquaza in this metagame for him to lose to. Duke straightened me out afterwards though.

We had to find a place to eat, so we followed the signs to an exit. Turns out that exit was through a set of sketchy tunnels and on the roof. bg.

We retraced our footsteps and found our way out the butt of the convention center. Chodes always cum through in the end. We stopped at café terrible name and Duke got a sandwich. There were some major hotties sitting at the table next to us. While waiting for Duke to get his sangwich, I heard a fellow directing one of his friends to the black person convention. The conversation went like this:
“Ey man, do you know where the convention is at?” Guy 1
“Okay. So you go up there, and you turn the corner, and you’ll see like 40 or 50 cats.” Guy 2


We headed back inside after getting the phone numbers of the babes next to us. We met up with Mitch, Calm_Lava, and Ryuzaki. Ryuzaki gave us these pimpin’ skarmbliss pins to rock.

Since TDS, Duke, and I were all staying with Mitch, we decided that the person who did the best in lcq got the bed. That was a big motivator for me.
Then we got down to business. I had to get psyched up for lcq.

My traditional warm-up for big events goes like this:

I put my Ipod in, with Big Time Rush’s Boyfriend playing on repeat. The remix with New Boyz, none of that Snoop Dogg crap that made the original version because New Boyz wasn’t available that weekend.

I find a quiet or private place, and I pump out 200 pushups to get the blood flowing.

Then I go up to a mirror, put eyeblack on, and chant “chodes cum together” until I climax.

I wash off eyeblack and discharge and then return to society.

Now unfortunately, the only private place available was the bathroom stall. Lucky for me, there were way more boys than girls at nats, so the ratio was favorable (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9c2fL77Cv0). This also meant that the girls bathroom was much less crowded. I snuck in there and did my requisite ritual.

I got out just in time to register for lcq. We ducked in line with Team Magma and hung out there. In the line, we saw almost everyone, including Huy, Duy, Len, Paul, Evan and the rest of the boys. We tried saying hi to the ducks in the suits, but they were busy with important sneaky duck stuff. We then dispersed ourselves throughout the line, as we weren’t sure if the friend rule was allowed.

I saw SapphireBirch and Wesley Morioka while I was waiting in line for lcq. I think I got full para’d when I first looked at Wesley, because his jaw was so strong. Also BlueCookies, what do you have against tennis?

A bit of backstory. I top 32 at Newark last year, losing to Chalkey. This year, I lost first round of both DC and Newark to teams with Zoroark on them.


My team:

<3csmugs







This guy Darren walked up to me and said “Hello I am Darren, I will be walking you to your seat today. You see that guy. Sit across from him. Kick his butt for me.”

I sat down across from my first round opponent. To my left was HagridTwin, and to my right was Chalkey. I wished Chalkey luck and then introduced myself to HagridTwin and wished him luck also.

Round 1:
As the battle begun, I said a quick prayer to Xatu and then got right into it. I was scared at first, because I saw he had a Zoroark on his roster. My opponent was a local scrub, and even with all the hax he got against me (brightpowder on turn 1, quick claw on turns 2 and 3), I ripped his heart out and ate it. My attack rose. My nature changed from Lax (+def, -spdef) to Serious. Good thing he didn’t bring Zoroark.

Round 2:
I talked to Darren before I got to my seat and he was really proud of me. Then I sat down and as soon as my opponent saw my trainer tag, he cowered. “I recognize that trainer name from somewhere.” Looks like my ability had just changed from Moxie to Intimidate. I am a babby Krookodile egg at this moment. The nob has the tenacity to lead Whimsicott-Terrakion against me. 4-0 kid gtfo you are almost as bad as pokerob.

Round 3:
Wow this guy was the nicest guy ever. He was at least 40, so I knew he would be a challenge with 30 years of experience under his belt. He has probably even trained in the mountains. Anyways he led Whimsicott-Terrakion and I 3-0 him. Sorry dude. I really wish you could’ve made nats with me, because you were crazy cool. Later that day, he came up to me and said that he hoped I won it all. Man what a nice guy.

Sidenote: Kindergang’s Spence was also near me for this round. He actually died right behind my opponent. Unfortunately I was too busy in my #theownzone to notice Spence’s death. RIP.

Round 4:
Vs DrFidget.
I sat down and saw the Magma. I told him I didn’t want to battle him, because I am a big fan of Team Magma. We ended up battling anyway. I don’t remember his exact team, but I know he brought Sigilyph and Special Landorus against me. He got trick room off and I managed to play through it, only losing one mon to Trick Room. However I miscounted and ended up sending in Terrakion on the last turn of Trick Room. I had to Switch out to Samurott to take the incoming Earth Power. Trick Room ended and it was 3-3. I think my Samurott died that very turn, meaning he was up 3-2. I ended up koing one of his mons and then flinching his Landorus, which meant I had the victory sealed unless Rock Slide missed. It didn’t. GG dude.

REDEMPTION


I was ecstatic to know I made it through to nats. Masters number 7. Then I saw the rest of the finalist lounge and got even happier. Destinybond, TDS, EnFuego, and Duke all made it. Team Chodes is so strong. Then I recognized some of the other people that made it through, like HagridTwin, Greysong, and TR_Jessie. Great job smogon!

Unfortunately no ducks made it through. It looks like chodes are taking over the throne this year.

We found out that there were 17 of us in the lounge and we were all really worried that 2 people would have another battle, but then Mike Liesik did something really cool and let all 17 of us through to nats. Thank you Mike, you have a heart of gold. You have a cart of heartgold.

But who gets the bed?

We talked to Big Boy Mitch, our most successful member (he won three regionals this year) and he was really proud of us. Then we found out Calm_Lava got haxxed out. SCREW THIS METAGAME CALM_LAVA SHOULD ALWAYS WIN.

It is also bad because Garchomp is banned. Who would ever ban Garchomp?

As we left the main pokemon room, Mitch decided to have us all do a pushup contest to win his $300 dollar travel allowance that he got from DC. I was pissed because my arms were already tired from earlier. I was first one out due to sleepy triceps hax. DUKE I AM COMING FOR THE CROWN AT WORLDS IF I GO.



Then the group of chodes and some other smogonites went to steak n shake. The world champion even signed some autographs. We got delicious burgers and stuff. Then the cash register guy did something awesome.

“Your bill is $8.48. Wait let me see if I can do something. Your bill is now $6.48”
What a bamf. <3<3<3<3<3<3 I tipped him big and then I tipped his big dick.

We made our way back to the convention center. The bunch of us checked in for nats. I got two shirts. One is too big and one is too small. Mean Value Theorum, motherfuckers.

Calm_Lava and I went and got some DS Skins, and then Duke and Calm_Lava played battle test and got ryuzaki’s real name (Alexa Medicine) on the battle test leader board. One time we went up there and I had a score and said my name was Alexa. The little kid working it laughed at me. YOU HEAR THAT RYUZAKI? EVEN LITTLE KIDS KNOW ALEXA IS A STUPID NAME.

I put a Dragonite skin on my ds. :heart:

Then we got bored.

We checked into the hotel and kind of just hung out for a while. We had to get all checked in. And then we set up our teams for the next day and chilled a box of drpepper by putting it in an ice bath in ryuzaki’s tub. And Mitch had to pay $13 dollars for wifi that night. Weak. Luckily Mitch had been whoring himself out the night before and that covered the wifi.

We all kind of fell asleep, with me being the earliest. Being the Good Guy Greg that I am, I gave up the bed to the other 2, even though none of us had won it yet. Simon (TDS) ended up sleeping in it.

We all woke up, showered together, and ate at the food court. While at the food court, we met up with Ryuzaki, Enfuego, Metabou, and Nekusagi.

NOW THIS IS WHERE SHIT GETS REAL.

EnFuego is drcossack.
Mike Sankey isn’t a real person.
The facebook is fake.
The account is fake.
EnFuego has spent the last few years of his life building up Mike Sankey as a real person.

You guys can believe me or not, but consider this. The only way that this isn’t true is if a real Mike Sankey shows up to a regional. And we all know that isn’t possible.

So we got back to the convention center and we hung out with everybody waiting for nats to start. I sat next to Duy in the speech session before the first round.



So we then got our matchups, and I will now tell the tale of Dobaru Batturu.

Round 1:
I lost to some guy who used an uncommon tactic but I don’t want to reveal his team in case he goes to Worlds LCQ.

Round 2:
vs kkyoshi33
I lost to Ryan, who we hung out with later that day. He critted me and para’d my other mon on turn 1 with a discharge. I was on screen. It was a fucking baller way to go out. GG sir. I won’t reveal any of his team in case he goes to Worlds LCQ.

Round 3:
I am 0-2. I decide it is time for me to rip dick. I snorted some Rage Powder and went to work on my next opponent. 3-0. I won’t reveal any of his team in case he goes to Worlds LCQ.

Round 4:
Vs OmegaDonut

Oh shit am I worried. I end up beating him by 11 hp in a pretty epic game. GG Sir. I don’t want to reveal any of Mike’s team in case he goes to Worlds LCQ.
At this point, the Rage Powder is starting to wear off, and I am feeling a crash coming on.

Round 5:
Vs Paul aka Zerowing aka Makiri aka MrBananaGrabber aka the only other member of Team Paul

We exchanged sad glances before the battle, realizing that one member of Team Paul would be eliminated from top 16 contention in this battle. The sweat from each battler’s brow blurred their respective touch screens, rendering stylus and thumb input impossible. Eventually I fell to the rest of Team Paul. I buried my head in my hands and tears streaked down my face. I had disappointed Team Paul. As zerowing stepped away from the table, a single tear fell from his right eye. He said to me, “I will win out for Team Paul.” Then he vanished into the night.

Round 6:
Vs Chris Halordain Tsai

We got a picture before the battle, which was awesome, and then we got to work on battling. He had a really unique team, but I ended up 4-0ing him due to some crucial hax on turn 1. I won’t reveal any of his team in case he goes to Worlds LCQ.

Round 7
I lost. BUT SERIOUSLY WHY DO YOU GUYS CARE, ROUND 7 WAS WHEN THE HASBOWL HAPPENED AND THAT WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT MATCH OF THE WEEKEND.

3-4 Man sad day. I will do better next year for team chodes. <3csmugs.
But team chodes had an impressive showing. EnFuego, TDS, and Duke all made top 16. 3 chodes vs 4 ducks. The odds were stacked against us.
Calm_Lava and I went on an errand and then some battle testing occurred before we left for Noodles and Company, our group bigger than previously. We hung out at Noodles and Company and then eventually went back to the hotel to get some Pokemon in. I avenged my loss earlier that day by 3-0ing Ryan (Round 2 opponent) in vgc 2010, the only metagame that really matters (top 32 newark 2010 regional check me out).

We played some Pokemon Stadium 2 minigames, including quiz. But the best game was Rampage Rollout, which had instructions that read “PRESS A TO DIRT.”

DIRT DIRT DIRT DIRTIN.

While at the hotel, I talked to sankey on irc about me making a pokemon card of him. The conversation went like this:

Elmo>drcossack I am making a card of you
drcossack>no you aren’t. I will fucking kill you
Elmo>I just finished it.

Ryuzaki helped me and we made an awesome card. I later gave it to Ray, so hopefully he will post a picture.

Soon after ‘mons got boring (shitass game) we decided we were hungry again and we went to Fridays. I battled Calm_Lava with my in game team, and I was going to beat him until his level 50 Krook critted my level 20 Munna. HAX. bg.

I got him back next game, when I rngd an ice beam freeze to guarantee my victory with my VGC team. I learned that shit from the Japanese.

We brought a Kyogre and Foongus plushie and kept them on the table in Fridays. We also got like 3 plates of free food and 2 free drinks there because they just kept messing up our orders. Then we went to sleep, where TDS haxxed his way into the bed, again.

Late that night/early the next morning, Duke, Mitch, and I snuck out of our hotel room without Simon knowing and met up with Huy, Duy, Jesus, and Paul to go manhood camping in a nearby park. (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/2370048082.html)

Unfortunately Huy forgot his crystal, and I was not going to share mine. We sat in a circle, surrounded by trees. I put on Nickelback, and we started vibing. Our pants hit the floor in unison, and our hands went to work. Sensually caressing our own bodies, everyone’s eyes met like the center point of a heptagon. Our eyes rolled, and we entered another level. Colors disappeared into one another. Feelings meshed with other feelings. Everyone felt the same thing: bliss. Animals approached our circle. Initially threatened, they stood frozen in awe of the majesty of what lay in front of them. Humanity was reaching its greater purpose. Men were being men for the first time in the world. A heavy white for was noticeable in the air. Even a Starly with defog couldn’t clear it. Our eyes rolled back to their normal position, and then a beam of electricity shot from each member’s respective dpiece. They met in the center and created a ball of pure manliness, the highest of all virtues. We finally knew what the crystal was for.

Then we all went back to our hotel rooms and slept away. Manhood camping was exhausting. Duke and Simon had to wake up early the next morning, as day 2 started at 9:30 AM!!!!!!!

Mitch and I then woke up and showered and went to the convention center to watch our fellow chodes. We didn’t eat because food is for winners.
Calm_Lava and I grabbed some ds skins and stickers and then watched the battles. When we went to grab the stickers, Calm_Lava spotted a creepy guy fapping behind the tcg side event curtains. We got outta there fast. All three chodesmugglers made it through to top 8, meaning that 3 chodes made it, which is a great number than 2, the number of ducks that made it. Top 8 had intense battles, and I won’t reveal any details about any teams because all those guys are going to worlds and I don’t want you guys to teamscout them. Duke and TDS made top 4. We are so proud of you Michael and Simon!

/me boosts EnFuego
/me boosts DuketheDevil
/me boosts TDS

In the Seniors division, #chodesmuggler took home its first national championship, where Aaron Zheng took home the hardware.
Aaron’s brother, babbytron, took 2nd in juniors to give team chodes a rather large presence at worlds. <3csmugs

/me boosts babbytron
/me boosts cybertron

TDS, Duke, and I consulted Mike Liesik about who gets the bed. Mike decided that since TDS was the higher seed, he got third, and therefore he deserved the bed. I guess he didn’t bed hax Duke and me at all!

TDS, Duke, and I all missed out on the smogon photo, but fortunately Mitch and Calm_Lava made it!



Afterwards we went to the coloring area and I showed off my professional grade concept art for the chode logo. Unfortunately it was too PG13 to make it onto the wall.

Then we had a sexy coloring session.

foto a little sexy


As we were leaving to go scag around, we saw a battle in the distance. Ray and I sprinted over there and soon Waffles and Darrell could be seen through the rubble. Darrell pulled through in the end, and I am here to market his website, http://pokemon.darrelland.com/

Then we had a feelings check session. I topped at a 89 with a ray, as that 90 score still eluded me. I believe Waffles and Huy had the highest score, a 92. We asked if we could have some of the battle mats that they lay out on the tables for you, and Darrell said we could. Ask and ye shall receive.

Then we went with the big smogon group and chilled at Ray’s, where Calm_Lava /parted. After an hour or so of Ray haxxing us at minigames, we went to Steak ‘N Shake while the ducks hit up noodles and company.
I got no discount this time, weak. Then we went into noodles and company and hung out with #ducks. Eventually we got bored and we choded around the city for a while looking for stuff to do. Finally we decided on Scotty’s, where Skarm had to drink beer in order for us to be allowed to play cornhole. Thanks for taking one for the team, Skarm.

In cornhole, skarm and I beat team Bluecookies-Chad 21-0. Team tall, made up of Mitch and Dan Train, also 21-0d the crappy Bluecookies-Chad team. At one point Bluecookies hit some dime walking bye with a beanbag. It made for a great conversation starter! Then even more of #ducks came to hang out with us and I feeling checked caffwin. 90!!!!!!!111111 You are emotionally united. Fish told us an amazing story and Duy and I had a 1v1 JO battle. I just can’t compete with him though, so I had to eat the biscuit.



Then all of us went back to the gay Danny alliance hotel room and I bought weed off the guy stocking the soda machine. It was a pleasure doing business with you sir.

We hung out in Ray’s room, where we learned that Ray is fucking ridiculous at Pokemon Stadium 2 Quiz. However, Evan was the true genius there, as he knew that Electabuzz has TWO LEGS. We played other games too, like PRESS A TO DIRT.

Evan informed us that the proper spelling of our favorite word is actually chaud.

The night ended, and we said our sweet farewells. I got ray to autograph my sickass Dragonite skin, though he was unprepared and didn’t have a sharpie ready so it is in stupid bic ink. Cmon dawg, you are world champ you should bring sharpie with you everywhere.



Luckily, I did not go home alone that night. Former regional champion Duy accompanied me to our hotel room, where we had a best of 7 JO series.

But this was not the end. Michael and Elliott still had another 14 or so hours in Indianapolis, so our heroes woke up the next morning and went on a journey to get their boarding passes printed. Luckily, a total 919 named Caitlin was working the front desk at the time, so she serviced me. Then later she serviced Duke.

We saw Huy, Duy, Len, Scott (Synre), and Ray before we left for the airport. At the airport, Ray turned up in the same terminal as us so we hung out and played cornhole. Our flight got delayed an hour or so, but everything worked out for the best. When Duke and I got to the proper altitude, we joined the mile high club. gg.

NEW MEMBERS OF TEAM CHODES:
-Metabou
-Enfuego
-Mike Sankey
-kinderlew
-Evan’s butt

Oh and also, DUKE I WROTE SSSS ON YOUR TICKET JAJAJAJAJA.

Chodes
-Deaglebeagle for helping me out a ton. Thanks brother.
-Meeting everyone, you guys are fucking awesome. Seriously I couldn’t have imagined cooler people.
-team chauds
-Team Anita!
-kinderlew’s video: http://tinyurl.com/5s22ohr

Normally proportioned penises
-Not feeling checking Aaron and babbytron
-Give me a battle box
-not meeting kindersister

EDIT:THIS IS NOW PG VERSION
 

Solace

royal flush
is a Site Content Manager Alumnusis a Senior Staff Member Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Battle Simulator Moderator Alumnus
great warstory jajajaj
[1:32pm] <Solace> chauds
[1:32pm] <imperfectspider> chauds
[1:33pm] <HolyChipmunk> chauds>
[1:33pm] <SapphireBirch> chauds
[1:33pm] <Elmo> chauds
[1:33pm] <Solace> yes
[1:33pm] <cosmicexplorer> chauds?
 

Ninahaza

You'll always be a part of me
is a Forum Moderator Alumnus
great warstory jajajaj
[1:32pm] <Solace> chauds
[1:33pm] <Ninahaza> chauds
[1:32pm] <imperfectspider> chauds
[1:33pm] <HolyChipmunk> chauds>
[1:33pm] <SapphireBirch> chauds
[1:33pm] <Elmo> chauds
[1:33pm] <Solace> yes
[1:33pm] <cosmicexplorer> chauds?
there, fixed
 
Reading this warstory was much more entertaining than whatever work was paying me to not-do at the time.

Fun read and grats on getting through what evidently was the world's most difficult LCQ (good thing you didn't have to play Simisear). Nice meeting you and hope you make it out to Worlds. Also you're a jerk for beating Tsai.
 
you came to the wrong neighborhood motherfucker!

Nice warstory. So strong. Hopefullly we can meet up next year at Newark/Nats.
 
LOL <3 your warstory. Action, Love, Drama, everything a warstory could ask for! It was great meeting you again irl elmo :)
 
Great story, it was a very entertaining read. I'm a little bummed I didn't get to hang out with you guys more, we will definitely have to remedy that at worlds if you go. See you next year at the very least!
 

evan

I did my best -- I have no regrets
is a Forum Moderator Alumnusis a Smogon Discord Contributor Alumnus
EXCELLENT chodestory. Great meeting you and the rest of the chodes. You may have come off slightly better in nats but rest assured Ducks are taking the win home for America at Worlds. Can't wait to see you and the rest of the Chauds next year!
 
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