Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread

[_Tonks_]

I've dated 3 guys my whole life, every one I've dated has gotten butthurt when I denied them any sort of sexual encounter. I really have no interest in any type of sex. It's dumb as fuck that I can't be happy with another person because most guys feel the need to put their penis in something. Isn't that was masturbation is all about? Isn't that why they have male masturbation products?

 

[Age of Kings]

I've dated 3 guys my whole life, every one I've dated has gotten butthurt when I denied them any sort of sexual encounter. I really have no interest in any type of sex. It's dumb as fuck that I can't be happy with another person because most guys feel the need to put their penis in something. Isn't that was masturbation is all about? Isn't that why they have male masturbation products?

From your profile, it seems that you are in your early 20s where it is commonly assumed that relationship = sex. For most people, toys (or masturbation) do not satisfy the physical and emotional sensations that come with actual intercourse. As a woman, I would argue that it is close to impossible for me with toys/masturbation due to the difficulty of achieving orgasm without overwhelming stimulation (everyone is different though). There is nothing wrong with you, but there is nothing wrong with them either (though they shouldn't be butthurt about you refusing it, no means no regardless of reason). You both have different expectations and biology also works against your favor in that people are naturally really fucking horny when they're young.

Would you identify yourself as asexual, or do you just have no interest at this age but plan on doing so in the future? If you do as the former, perhaps try asexual support groups. Try out the AVEN forums for starters. It is possible to find love without sexual expectations that you feel uncomfortable with.

 

[Chaoswalker]

I've dated 3 guys my whole life, every one I've dated has gotten butthurt when I denied them any sort of sexual encounter. I really have no interest in any type of sex. It's dumb as fuck that I can't be happy with another person because most guys feel the need to put their penis in something. Isn't that was masturbation is all about? Isn't that why they have male masturbation products?

Firstly, I just want to get out of the way that in case it wasn't obvious, if a guy loses interest when you deny him sex then he's not worth it.
Anyway, I understand that some women just never really played around with themselves and so never acquired a desire for such things. Some people just don't have any interest in sex at all.... ever. Men on the other hand.... let's just say that at times we're compelled to obtain it much the same way you are compelled to eat food when you are hungry. Sexual frustration can leave a person with a very bothered day.
Now as I stated to begin with, if a person loses interest because you won't touch their penis that's stupid and you should drop them fast. They should respect that you don't want to engage in sexual activities if they really value the relationship. On the flip side, it can come off as very mean to a person who really cares about you. For most people sex is a very emotional bonding experience, and personally if I'd become very close to someone (let's say we'd been together at least a couple years) and they just didn't want anything like that I would be very hurt. I would wonder if something was wrong with me or the way I treated them. I would wonder why we couldn't be as close as possible despite our time together, and most of all I'd wonder if there was something she needed that I wasn't providing in the relationship.

I've never been a proponent of sex for the sake of sex, since it wouldn't be special. Still, if you become serious about someone I would recommend doing it anyway, even if it's just for them. It sounds weird, but it's like playing their favorite video game with them even though you don't particularly care for it. I don't even think you have to go all the way. Just show them that you understand and tend to their needs, just as you would do for each other in other areas of life. Again, only if you think they're worth it.

 

[_Tonks_]

Firstly, I just want to get out of the way that in case it wasn't obvious, if a guy loses interest when you deny him sex then he's not worth it.
Anyway, I understand that some women just never really played around with themselves and so never acquired a desire for such things. Some people just don't have any interest in sex at all.... ever. Men on the other hand.... let's just say that at times we're compelled to obtain it much the same way you are compelled to eat food when you are hungry. Sexual frustration can leave a person with a very bothered day.
Now as I stated to begin with, if a person loses interest because you won't touch their penis that's stupid and you should drop them fast. They should respect that you don't want to engage in sexual activities if they really value the relationship. On the flip side, it can come off as very mean to a person who really cares about you. For most people sex is a very emotional bonding experience, and personally if I'd become very close to someone (let's say we'd been together at least a couple years) and they just didn't want anything like that I would be very hurt. I would wonder if something was wrong with me or the way I treated them. I would wonder why we couldn't be as close as possible despite our time together, and most of all I'd wonder if there was something she needed that I wasn't providing in the relationship.

I've never been a proponent of sex for the sake of sex, since it wouldn't be special. Still, if you become serious about someone I would recommend doing it anyway, even if it's just for them. It sounds weird, but it's like playing their favorite video game with them even though you don't particularly care for it. I don't even think you have to go all the way. Just show them that you understand and tend to their needs, just as you would do for each other in other areas of life. Again, only if you think they're worth it.

Define "worth it " .

 

[Chaoswalker]

Define "worth it " .

You see yourself making this person a permanent fixture in your life.

 

[destinyunknown]

Define "worth it " .

I agree with Chaoswalker about pretty much everything. It's true that if a guy only wants to have a relationship in order to get sex then he's not worth your time. But sex is (almost all the time) something inherent in a long-term relationship, and as Chaoswalker said, many people consider it a very bonding experience, something intimate and special you don't do with anybody else. And if you just blatantly reject ever having sex, it's not surprising that your partner may feel let down. It's not like they just 'feel the need to put their penis into something', it's that they want to share that experience with the person they most care about (ok not everybody is that deep, but if they love you they should think that way). If guys just wanted to cum they'd feel satisfied with just wanking and that's usually not the case.

Not sure if it helps, but I'll tell what I'd think. Beforehand, I'd like to point out that I just don't feel satisfied with one-night stands anymore because they don't make me feel anything. So basically, while I don't 'feel the need to put my penis into something' I would like to have sex if I had a serious relationship. And if my girlfriend refused after being together for a very long time, then I would feel like there's something wrong with me, and I would start wondering if I'm not treating her well enough, or if she doesn't care about me, or if there's something wrong with her, whatever, you get the point. Would I feel butthurt? I'd say I would just feel awkward and not close enough to her for a reason I don't know. I would feel like she owes me an explanation, because what's the point of a long-term relationship if we're not close to each other?

I hope I have got my point across, but in short: When you deny having sex altogether, your partner will probably need an explanation for that. What do you tell them? I mean, there must be a reason why you don't want to have sex by any means, and if it's the fact that you're asexual like Age of Kings suggested, then I'd understand if your partner felt that there are incompatibility issues. Sex is an important part of a relationship... Would you like to be in a relationship that didn't fulfill all your needs? Sorry if it sounds harsh but you should ask yourself that question...

By the way, I think it would be easier to help you if you explain the reasons why you're so strongly against having sex. Is it that big of a deal for you?

 

[s_aman]

After reading this thread, i feel ashamed of myself. I have never ever kissed someone, don't even think of having sex. Indian society is so damn conservative. ;_;
Waiting for my first girlfriend.

 

[Age of Kings]

I want to add to DestinyUnknown's post since while I agree with the sentiment the tone comes off somewhat harsh and I disagree on one point. I want to stress there is not wrong with being asexual. I strongly disagree with the contention that "sex is part of a relationship" because that is discounting asexual people or people who cannot have sex for various reasons. However, lots of people do require sexual intimacy in a relationship to be "whole" because as much as we tell ourselves otherwise, we are still primal animals. The AVEN forums I linked even have a specific forum for sexuals who feel raw emotionals like confusion, depression, even anger towards SOs who may be asexual. Many of them experience such a strong emotional attraction to their partners that they will stick through the absence of a sexual one.

Perhaps an idea you can discuss with future partners is swinging. My current relationship is monogamous on an emotional and romantic level but not sexually. We can fuck other people (with guidelines), but our needs come first and there is no true emotional attachment outside of the relationship. This may not be acceptable to everyone, because as DestinyUnknown said, some people cannot bear the thought of having sex with people they do not truly love or just really want to do it with the person they are sharing their life with. However, this may be an acceptable compromise for future sexual partners to fulfill their physical needs while maintaining the strong emotional attachment.

I once considered myself asexual but it was largely because I feared being objectified and I wasn't sure if I could handle sex without some emotional commitment. I internally secretly desired intercourse but I was afraid of the "baggage". I don't know you as a person but if your answer to my first post is "I don't feel it now but maybe in the future" or even "I'm not sure" rather than "I have no desire to do it ever", then consider this possibility of fear.

After reading this thread, i feel ashamed of myself. I have never ever kissed someone, don't even think of having sex. Indian society is so damn conservative. ;_;
Waiting for my first girlfriend.

There is nothing to be ashamed of. In many cultures, men are objectified by their self worth being reduced to how many women they "get with".

Please do not look for a relationship just because others tell you to or you feel inadequate socially because you don't have a girlfriend. Do not derive your self-worth purely on whether or not you're have one. Be patient and find one that fulfills your -and her- needs. Consensual casual encounters are ok too if you can find them, but never use deception to achieve them. Forcing anything just ends badly for all parties involved. "Friend zone" and "forever alone" are dumb concepts

 

[Chaoswalker]

After reading this thread, i feel ashamed of myself. I have never ever kissed someone, don't even think of having sex. Indian society is so damn conservative. ;_;
Waiting for my first girlfriend.

lol lol wanna hear a secret? I've never kissed anyone either. There was a time when I was very eager for it, but couldn't have gotten it and now I'm glad I did not. While in high school I was repulsive, but now I draw a lot of good attention and I still have my first kiss to give. It's kind of a great feeling to know I still have that special moment to share, even if it was sort of an accident.



Also, just gonna say flopping from fugly to pretty was to adjust to. *3*

 

[Chou Toshio]

I've dated 3 guys my whole life, every one I've dated has gotten butthurt when I denied them any sort of sexual encounter. I really have no interest in any type of sex. It's dumb as fuck that I can't be happy with another person because most guys feel the need to put their penis in something. Isn't that was masturbation is all about? Isn't that why they have male masturbation products?

Chaoswalker

Everyone has their own expectations and desires for a relationship... they are every bit as entitled to want sex as much as you are entitled to not want it...

In the same way they are every bit entitled to lose interest or walk out on the relationship if their expectations (including sexual ones) are not being met. There's nothing wrong with that at all-- it's their life to live, and if sex is important to them, if they won't be happy in a relationship with someone who can't understand that and at least try to meet those needs (if not have those same needs themselves!) then that's really not a relationship they should stay in.

What I'm saying is you're entitled to not be interested in sex, but at the same time, you can't expect guys who have high sex needs to be wanting to stick around with you either.

Personally, when I was younger I wouldn't be able to take a girl seriously if we were dating and she wouldn't have sex at least occasionally. I mean, of course there's a "get to know you" period of dating where I wouldn't necessarily EXPECT sex to be on the table, but if we were going to seriously go out and never do it-- that would not be seriously going out in my book. I'd have to question if she took ME seriously or cared about MY needs-- and if I thought the answer was "no", why give her the time of day?

Love is a two-way thing, and if you're not willing or able to give the other person what he/she needs (or at least reasonably compromise) you're not likely to see much success...

Sexual expectations are obviously important for a lot of people in romance. It's important to be aware of your own needs, as well as your partner's and work it out.

 

[_Tonks_]

lol lol wanna hear a secret? I've never kissed anyone either. There was a time when I was very eager for it, but couldn't have gotten it and now I'm glad I did not. While in high school I was repulsive, but now I draw a lot of good attention and I still have my first kiss to give. It's kind of a great feeling to know I still have that special moment to share, even if it was sort of an accident.



Also, just gonna say flopping from fugly to pretty was to adjust to. *3*

I didn't kiss anyone till I was 21 o.o

 

[supercoven94]

Well maybe it's just me but i find pretty underwhelming the fact that i only had one relationship in my life, yes we are in relationship since 4 years and i love her but sometimes i think that i've missed something...

 

[Chaoswalker]

Well maybe it's just me but i find pretty underwhelming the fact that i only had one relationship in my life, yes we are in relationship since 4 years and i love her but sometimes i think that i've missed something...

Other way around, I think. The more relationships it takes, the more times you didn't get it right.

At least, that's how I see it.

 

[reyscarface]

Well maybe it's just me but i find pretty underwhelming the fact that i only had one relationship in my life, yes we are in relationship since 4 years and i love her but sometimes i think that i've missed something...

Always remember that the grass isnt always greener on the other side, its greener where you water it. All these other people might seem great, but might not be too compatible once you get to know them. What you are feeling is understandable, but if youve been with this person for 4 years that means something clicked between you.

 

[Perfect Cell]

As cliche as it sounds, if you love her and have been together for a long time(4 years is pretty long), why would you want anyone else?

 

[supermarth64]

http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating (transcript available for those that don't want to watch it)

Something to think about even if the majority of members on this website aren't of the age where they want to settle down yet.

 

[whistle]

Always remember that the grass isnt always greener on the other side, its greener where you water it. All these other people might seem great, but might not be too compatible once you get to know them. What you are feeling is understandable, but if youve been with this person for 4 years that means something clicked between you.

i learned that from justin bieber

 

[reyscarface]

i learned that from justin bieber

i learned it from /r/relationships

delete facebook, hit gym, lawyer up

 

[Chaoswalker]

delete facebook, hit gym, lawyer up

Yes, y'all should do the working out. Don't even need a gym if there's a good park near by. You'd be surprised how much resistance your own body weight gives. Pull ups, squat jumps, full body crunches, etc. Yeah, part of it is drawing attention but even if someone chooses you based primarily on your personality it's still nice to look good for them. Also, you might live longer. :P

 

[Navy]

I've dated 3 guys my whole life, every one I've dated has gotten butthurt when I denied them any sort of sexual encounter. I really have no interest in any type of sex. It's dumb as fuck that I can't be happy with another person because most guys feel the need to put their penis in something. Isn't that was masturbation is all about? Isn't that why they have male masturbation products?

Wanna sex ?

 

[_Tonks_]

Wanna sex ?

nope

 

[Brammi]

TIL exactly why I hate my gf 70-80% of the time.

What do?

 

[jumpluff]

TIL exactly why I hate my gf 70-80% of the time.

What do?

You didn't specify (making advice for the actual situation unobtainable) but if you hate her 70-80% of the time and it is non-negotiable break up with her

Otherwise talk about it honestly or one of you has to learn to live with it

 

[Chou Toshio]

Other way around, I think. The more relationships it takes, the more times you didn't get it right.

At least, that's how I see it.

alternatively: How they heck do you know what you like if you haven't tried it?

 

[Brammi]

I love her all the time and I see us together for a long time still. She just peeves me more often than not, but the other time is so sweet.

Basically my problem is that she has no capacity to see things from an uninvested viewpoint. So it's like me actively trying to see events from a macro utilitarianist pov, while she sees things only from a personal utilitarianist pov.

In addition she is stubborn and averse to change while I am a chronic devil's advocate and look at change as potential.

It also means that when we have an argument. She goes from annoyed to mad as all hell while I cycle from having the time of my life to getting frustrated and back again.

There's also the point that we are co-dependent on each other. She has depression and clinical anxiety while I have a sort of personal duty thing going on in my head. We also live together and both have nowhere to move if we were to split up. We're happy together for the most part, but she takes spats very hard atm and they seem regular.