Serious LGBTQ

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If someone is truly your friend they won't care if you are gay or not IMO take this from someone who is friends with a lesbian, a disabled person and (dramatic music) a redhead.
Are you on the hunt for a black friend next?

As someone who actually IS a queer disabled person...

It's true that the people who are worth the most will generally accept it. But it doesn't negate the difficulties of coming out and dealing with immature reactions, distrust, and the awkwardness when one's homophobic friends find out they've been making fun of 'those' gay people in front of another.

I agree with Berserker—it's something you can, especially single, be selective about talking about if you so choose. You don't have to come out to everyone all at once and throw a party if you're not that way inclined. I am quite out online but don't really bring it up offline. Remember though that people can surprise you... not just in bad ways, but also good ways.

FWIW I think being closeted exposes you to a lot of negativity and it's a relief not to be, but many people don't really have a better option. I hope this process for you, no matter how long it takes if it ends at all, results in relief, affirmation, and trust.
 

KM

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Heya. So, compared to most of the shit that goes down on the thread, this is a relatively petty and minor problem (which I'm thankful for), but I still thought I'd shoot it by you guys to see what you thought.

One of my best friends recently went through a really tough period of her life, and she wasn't open about it completely to me until about a week ago. In the course of our conversation, I also ended up coming out to her, and she was totally cool with it, which was yay. However, during the course of the conversation, she also let me know that she has strong suspicions that another one of our mutual best friends (a girl) has a crush on me. I don't personally notice it/see any change in her behavior, and there are things that she suggests/says that state that she might know that I'm gay as well - but at any rate, I'm at sort of a dilemma.

One one hand, I feel obligated to tell her that I'm gay - and very soon. I feel tremendously guilty for stringing her along if she actually is attracted to me, and I wouldn't want to give her any form of false hope. Although she might be disappointed, I'll have to tell her at -some- point so I may as well get it over with.

On the other hand, however, I realize that her reaction to my coming out to her might be more negative than it normally would if she truly does have a crush on me. While I don't see her as bigoted, she is somewhat conservative and somewhat religious, and her family more so. I don't think there's any danger of her being seriously violent/abusive towards me because of my sexuality, but I also don't want to lose her as a friend just because she internalizes her frustration towards not being able to have a romantic relationship with me at my sexuality.

tl;dr halp
 
I don't think you're "stringing her along" by not coming out. Maybe if you're like going to the bar, doing body shots or something overtly sexual of that nature, but not by just being her friend and talking. I wouldn't worry about coming out unless she makes a move. Or if you really want to let her down gently, just kind of tell your friend to tell this girl that you're not interested. Since their friends, your friend will know how to let her down gently.
 

EV

Banned deucer.
Kitten Milk ,
My best advice is to try and not feel guilty over someone else's misplaced affection. You can't control the feelings other people have for you as much as you can control your own attraction to the same sex. Those are the two sides to this coin: she can't control it as much as you can't. Don't let her romantic feelings persuade you either way. Coming out is a delicate process for most and best taken at one's own pace. When you're ready you'll know it, and it may be now with this dilemma, but I'd hate to see you sacrifice any comfort you have in an already uncomfortable transition because of another person's feelings. It can be difficult to put yourself first, but you'll need to if you want to live happily on the outside.
Best of luck.
 

Oglemi

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Like most things in life, it largely depends on where you live and the people you hang around with. For some, it simply is because they get to be more open with their opinions and that leads to a change in behavior, in others nothing changes at all. For me, there wasn't any pressure to change how I behaved to fit the "gay stereotype," but some guys may feel that pressure depending on the gay community they are in close proximity to. The example you gave of the guy not changing who he was is probably far more common than the cases of the people who do change.
 

EV

Banned deucer.
I went through a change at first because I felt similar pressure from friends to be "gay" acting. Then I became militant about gay rights online with Live Journal and Myspace. Then I pulled back and started being myself. I'd say most people with an eye for it can tell, like my ex who said I was a dead giveaway, but I'm not what some would consider a "flamer" (which is an insensitive term in itself.)
 
For me, it was just a matter of not being myself when I was in the closet. There were many aspects of my personality that fit into the stereotype of a gay male, and I hid those parts of my personality so no one would question me. I mean, I think even straight guys are not true to themselves a lot of the time in an effort to separate themselves from gay stereotypes. I can't even blame them, especially in America where people are so aggressively determined on labeling everyone and everything men do that isn't shooting animals and playing football as "gay"...
 
I understand when people say that you shouldn't feel obligated to come out. That's a stance I 100% agree with. However, when it comes to my own personal experience, I think coming out is the only way I can lead a fulfilling life.

I've tried to get by on the premise that it isn't necessary to come out for the past 5 years, but it simply hasn't worked at all.

For example, I could never let a guy know I was interested in him at a party for the fear that it might get back to my friends, or they might see us talking and start asking questions. Or get a guys number at the bar I work at in case someone I work with is watching. I find it incredibly hard to conduct a life where my romantic and sexual needs are met without my close friends and family knowing. Before people ask, my friends aren't prejudiced or narrow-minded, but we do come from a conservative area and as much as things are changing, old attitudes still linger and I think people from my generation didn't get away completely unscathed.

Speaking of my friends, as they're all pretty liberal I think they would be totally fine with me being gay, and I've known this for a long time, but there is still some complete reluctance on my part to come out to them.

I guess it is the whole "I'm not ready" mindset. But slowly I've started to realise that there isn't really going to be an ideal time when I am "ready". I could spend my whole life waiting until I get that perfect time when the conditions are all "right". This is what has made me realise that, as much as I don't want to, I think I just need to come out and worry about the fallout later.

In my mind it feels like this huge circle of feedback. I won't be ready to come out until I experience being with/ in a relationship with a guy but I won't get that experience until I come out and feel comfortable in myself and approaching guys in that manner. I'm not ready to come out but unless I force myself to come out I won't ever be ready. And on, and on, and on.

At least this is how it has solidified for me. I'm coming 24 in a month and a half, and would love to be able to have come out to someone before then. I hope I can get the nerve to do it.

Also, thanks to those who wished me good luck.
 
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Oglemi

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Eating Out and The Kids Are All Right are both hilarious and both are just one awkward setup to the next, probably my favorite "gay film" genre movies. And The Kids Are All Right has a lot of big names in it (Mark Ruffalo, Josh Hutcherson, Julianne Moore).

North Sea Texas was a lot like Weekend, an OK movie, kinda pornographic but not really explicit, mostly weird idk. Actually North Sea Texas is probably more like Summer Storm

Were the World Mine is a funny and quirky movie that kinda follows the story structure of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

The Hours was exceptional but mostly really sad (Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman). Rent is also really good but again really sad.

The Birdcage has Robin Williams in a lead role so take that as you will

EDIT: Oh, and 3 (Drei) is also really funny and just awkward the whole way through
 
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v

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im not gay but I like will and grace

edit and hedwig and the angry inch if that counts? more trans i guess but idk man
 
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EV

Banned deucer.
One of my fav movies of all time is The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert with Hugo Weaving, Terence Stamp, and Guy Pearce. Honestly, it's amazing and takes part in the Australian Outback. Check it out, mates!
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar is another awesome movie that also features typically "macho" straight men posing as drag queens. It has Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, and John Leguizamo in the lead roles. It's sometimes referred to as the American version of Priscilla.
 

Bughouse

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I enjoyed the webseries Hunting Season, though if I recall correctly it wasn't exactly SFW. Husbands was also pretty cute.

But the best of the webseries category is definitely The Outs. I would recommend it to just about anybody. These same people also make Whatever This Is, which I have not yet watched, but it is on my to-do list.
 
Orange is the New Black isn't really ~LGBT genre~ or whatever it's called, but that's why I like it so much. It's a show with gay people in it, and it explores the spectrum of sexuality without being so in your face about it. I mean, I'm all for movies that are about gay people and movies that involve gay people, but I feel like the gay genre is so done to death. There are only x amount of movies you can come up with about coming out or dating someone of the same gender or whatever without getting really, really bored by it.

One of my favorite shows, Orphan Black, uses a gay brother as a source of comic relief, and he's probably my favorite character in any show ever. There's also a gay sidestory in it that starts probably about 3/4 of the way through the first season. I'd totally recommend the show, but don't walk into it expecting an LGBT plotline.
 
Something about coming out that interests me is how people, particularly gay males, seem to completely change after coming out.
I felt happier and less afraid to be myself. Perhaps a sudden pace of happiness may spur people to try new things or pick up trends, habits, and hobbies that have always interested them. A small boost of confidence goes a long way, especially for teens and young adults. This mood change for the better may be perceived as "completely changing" to some people. I don't think I'm any different, but I do feel like my viewpoint on life did a 180 when I started accepting myself and maturing in that sense.
 

Aragorn the King

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This isn't reaLly a LGBTQ question, but in the Opening to this thread it talks about "Christian views on gays" I feel like is a shot towards the judgmental Christians, and this misrepresents the Christian community and people like me. Not all Christian people hate gay people. Heck, that I know of, the vast majority of Christians love and support these people. Now trust me, I have seen the ugly side of the church against non-straight people, but that isn't the way a lot of Christians think. I politely suggest (cuz I really don't want to start an argument or a debate or anything) that the thread creator remove that part, as it's unfairly judging a community of people based on a few's actions.
He just said discuss people's views on Christian's views on gays. Maybe adding a "some" would make it better, but there still are statistics to prove it is more so true with Christians than with other religions.

42 percent of white Roman Catholics and 44 percent of Hispanic Catholics oppose same sex marriage. Among Hispanic Protestants, 49 percent oppose allowing gay and lesbian couples to marry. By contrast, 59 percent of black Protestants and 69 percent of white evangelical Protestants oppose same-sex marriage.
I'm very happy that you are a good person, and I have no doubts that you are. But saying a majority of Christians are fair to gay people is untrue. I'm not saying all Christians, at all.
 
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Aragorn the King

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That's only two denominations out of many, which was my previous point. That's like saying an entire country hates anoth country because just a part of the country dislikes it :(
Well, Protestantism is the largest group of religions in the US, and 58% of Protestants oppose it. Also, 73% percent of people who attend church weekly are against it. I'm not trying to generalize, I'm just saying, there is some connection.
 

EV

Banned deucer.
This isn't reaLly a LGBTQ question, but in the Opening to this thread it talks about "Christian views on gays" I feel like is a shot towards the judgmental Christians, and this misrepresents the Christian community and people like me. Not all Christian people hate gay people. Heck, that I know of, the vast majority of Christians love and support these people. Now trust me, I have seen the ugly side of the church against non-straight people, but that isn't the way a lot of Christians think. I politely suggest (cuz I really don't want to start an argument or a debate or anything) that the thread creator remove that part, as it's unfairly judging a community of people based on a few's actions.
Note how the OP did not specify anything negative about "Christian views on gays". That statement is open-ended and neutral and could be taken in any direction. So you may take it to mean "negative views" while others might take it to mean "acceptance."

Also, please don't pull the victim stance considering the history of "Christian views on gays" for, I dunno, forever. It might make you uncomfortable, but that's not our problem. And you don't walk into a thread and start calling marginalized groups of people the aggressors for "unfairly judging a community of people." We're not here to appease straight people with this thread.
 
Sorry if you feel uncomfortable or whatever but Christians, their institutions, and people like them have incited and perpetrated anti-gay violence and oppression through all possible means throughout history. And even now Christians still represent a significant opposition to what many term the LGBTQ lifestyle. Many of their institutions are even now discriminatory against queer people. I just feel like it's a bit weird to come into a thread full of people who have been marginalised by society and whose demographic has so much hate crime perpetrated against it and complain about the very benign OP potentially tarring a very privileged group with a broad brush. I am happy to hear that you are a good person and not hateful towards queer people, but I suggest you focus your efforts within your own community and stamping out ignorant/hateful speech and policy (because I assure you it is still present) rather than try to police the words of LGBTQ people.

At the end of this day this thread is here for LGBTQ people and not straight Christians who feel embarrassed by the actions of their church... I mean, if you think about it, the point of this thread is for us to share our experiences. And I am willing to bet many of us have had multiple bad experiences with religious people.

I would add however that many nonreligious people share these views, in part due to cultural Christianity and the resultant morality (although secular people have invented plenty of disgusting reasons to hate queer people). For example, in my country, Australia, which is ostensibly very secular and lax about organised religion, many people's moral code is based on Christian values, whether they realise it or not.

P.S. There are many LGBTQ Christians. We are aware.
 
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I have been focusing my efforts in my own community, as I am well aware of the negative connotation some Christians have towards this community.
GlassGlaceon Thank you for your help! As someone who has dealt with judgment rooted in religious values, every bit of help counts and i'm thoroughly appreciative of yours as well. Don't feel as if you've started trouble by making the mistake of misinterpreting the first post. People make mistakes, and no one should hold it over you. :)
 
On the topic of Christianity and gay homosexuals and their sinful ilk, this article is certainly interesting. Long story short, the United Church of Christ is suing North Carolina for restricted freedom of religion... for not allowing them to perform same-sex marriages, since that state can put ministers in jail for up to 120 days for marrying couples who don't have a marriage license. Other plantiffs include a Baptist pastor, a rabbi, a Lutheran pastor and two Unitarian Universalist ministers, apparently. Kinda cool.
 

KM

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On the topic of Christianity and gay homosexuals and their sinful ilk, this article is certainly interesting. Long story short, the United Church of Christ is suing North Carolina for restricted freedom of religion... for not allowing them to perform same-sex marriages, since that state can put ministers in jail for up to 120 days for marrying couples who don't have a marriage license. Other plantiffs include a Baptist pastor, a rabbi, a Lutheran pastor and two Unitarian Universalist ministers, apparently. Kinda cool.
Wow, that's pretty awesome. It's great to see members of lots of different denominations "seeing the light" about gay marriage, so to speak.

In a similar vein, I think that Matthew Vines' sermon on homosexuality and Christianity and why they need not be mutually exclusive is pretty fascinating. The jist of it is something that most of us have already figured out; there really isn't any hard-and-cold outcry against loving, monogamous homosexual relationships in the Bible - even if you interpret it literally (in the sense of interpreting everything in the bible as fact, but interpreting them in the context of the time period and the Bible as a whole). Even the most direct call against homosexuality, in Leviticus, is irrelevant for the same reason many of the other Stygian laws in that section are, because they're made irrelevant by Jesus sacrificing himself, etc. I won't summarize the entire thing, but it really is an awesome sermon that you guys should consider listening to.

I'm not what one would call a traditional person of faith, so it wasn't exactly an "oh good I can be christian and gay at the same time" as much as it was personally interesting, especially because it shed light on the religious ignorance of many religious people, both those who are completely against gay people, and those who take the seemingly pacifist view of "love the sinner, not the sin". When there's significant biblical evidence supporting the presence of homosexual relationships, it really discredits a lot of people who speak against it on a biblical basis, a basis upon which they might not be informed.

 
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