Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread

[Chaoswalker]

One of my teachers used WOW as bonding time with his wife.

My friend met her girlfriend online. She move across the country to be with her.

Weird stuff happens. Not gonna say it's a good idea, but weird stuff happens.

 

[Demoness]

So are you saying that either one of those situations were not good ideas? Why are they not good ideas? Bonding over video games or moving across the country so you can be with the person who you love is not weird. What is the crucial disconnect that somehow makes it so that doing things on video games with youyr significant other not a good moment of bonding? If it works for them, then stop trying to butt in with your preconceived notions that there is one true way for people to express their love.

 

[MikeDawg]

Hi. So, I'll be a freshman next year in college. I have a boyfriend atm that I met through the class of '18 page for that college (weird. ik. but w/e), but he lives in Minnesota; I'm in Illinois. So we've been taking it long distance for a good while and it's going great, but I'm starting to drift away and not want to talk to him over text, etc. Long distance sucks, especially with three months ahead of no actual contact.

We've only met once in person, and that was just, unfortunately, a 30sec deal. His choir was on a trip to chicago and so we had a run in at Navy Pier but they were late and had a boat tour so yeah.

His parents/etc. don't know that he's gay, so that also makes things difficult.

The moral predicament in question: Given that we are long-distance dating, and have only been long-distance dating, would it be acceptable for me to hook up with other guys during the summer? It would be pletonic, but still. Ideally, I would just tell him that I would like to just officially start up again once school actually starts so that we could have a legitimate relationship

But here's the kicker: Borderline Personality Disorder. oops. So what I do not want is a "if you break up with me, I'll commit suicide." He has refused to seek help for his mysterious erratic behaviors in the past, and it's a struggle to get him to do it now (as a result of the disorder).

What I don't want, too, is for him to be waiting all day for me to text him or something of that nature, all while getting really upset and insecure (I've been there myself, not fun), and that does not combine well with my rapid cycle bipolar disorder that sometimes makes me just not want to talk to anybody, including him.

So, my question is: would it be acceptable to go and live my life with other boys until school begins? Should I talk to him about taking a break?

 

[Oglemi]

Hi. So, I'll be a freshman next year in college. I have a boyfriend atm that I met through the class of '18 page for that college (weird. ik. but w/e), but he lives in Minnesota; I'm in Illinois. So we've been taking it long distance for a good while and it's going great, but I'm starting to drift away and not want to talk to him over text, etc. Long distance sucks, especially with three months ahead of no actual contact.

We've only met once in person, and that was just, unfortunately, a 30sec deal. His choir was on a trip to chicago and so we had a run in at Navy Pier but they were late and had a boat tour so yeah.

His parents/etc. don't know that he's gay, so that also makes things difficult.

The moral predicament in question: Given that we are long-distance dating, and have only been long-distance dating, would it be acceptable for me to hook up with other guys during the summer? It would be pletonic, but still. Ideally, I would just tell him that I would like to just officially start up again once school actually starts so that we could have a legitimate relationship

But here's the kicker: Borderline Personality Disorder. oops. So what I do not want is a "if you break up with me, I'll commit suicide." He has refused to seek help for his mysterious erratic behaviors in the past, and it's a struggle to get him to do it now (as a result of the disorder).

What I don't want, too, is for him to be waiting all day for me to text him or something of that nature, all while getting really upset and insecure (I've been there myself, not fun), and that does not combine well with my rapid cycle bipolar disorder that sometimes makes me just not want to talk to anybody, including him.

So, my question is: would it be acceptable to go and live my life with other boys until school begins? Should I talk to him about taking a break?

I moved your thread here because this is where it goes

To be honest, his problems aren't your problems, despite the relationship. If he has mental health issues that he ignores treatment for, he needs to somehow get help, which you're free to assist with but he's not your responsibility.

From the sounds of it you seem to not be interested in continuing the relationship over the long-term, even when you return to close proximity. If that's the case just be honest with him and break up.

The wrong thing to do would be to go screw other guys without his knowing and then continuing the relationship once you're in college like nothing ever happened.

 

[DM]

Oglemi is exactly right. I once had a long-term girlfriend that loved me very much, and I loved her back. But she was a recovering anorexic, and had other deep-rooted mental problems that centered around a terrible self-image. Eventually, despite the love, I was miserable all the time, and I had to make the decision to break up with her. It was one of the hardest, most painful things I've ever had to do, but I did it because I had to for ME.

Sounds to me like you're already pulling out of the relationship emotionally. Dragging it out any further out of a gallant, yet misplaced sense of loyalty to him will only make things worse for both of you in the long run.

 

[GatoDelFuego]

Feeling guilty when you really know that you're emotionally clocked out of a relationship is sucky and terrible. DM is exactly right. IF you know that this feeling of "fixing" someone is the only thing keeping you together, then that's bad for you, and it will get emotionally worse for you.

But I'd say that if you can stick out the three months of summer before you actually see each other...well, it's not that long, isn't it?

 

[Sapientia]

You should be clear and honest with him. If you don't want to maintain the relationship just break up. I was/am in a relationship with a girl from spain since last summer and after I returned to germany she never knew what she wanted and "broke up" (we claimed we are just normal friends but anyone of us would have felt betrayed if this other one dated soneonevelse..) just to come back few weeks later not just once.
For me this was the worst, because I never knew what to do with her...

 

[Chiki]

Hi. So, I'll be a freshman next year in college. I have a boyfriend atm that I met through the class of '18 page for that college (weird. ik. but w/e), but he lives in Minnesota; I'm in Illinois. So we've been taking it long distance for a good while and it's going great, but I'm starting to drift away and not want to talk to him over text, etc. Long distance sucks, especially with three months ahead of no actual contact.

We've only met once in person, and that was just, unfortunately, a 30sec deal. His choir was on a trip to chicago and so we had a run in at Navy Pier but they were late and had a boat tour so yeah.

His parents/etc. don't know that he's gay, so that also makes things difficult.

The moral predicament in question: Given that we are long-distance dating, and have only been long-distance dating, would it be acceptable for me to hook up with other guys during the summer? It would be pletonic, but still. Ideally, I would just tell him that I would like to just officially start up again once school actually starts so that we could have a legitimate relationship

But here's the kicker: Borderline Personality Disorder. oops. So what I do not want is a "if you break up with me, I'll commit suicide." He has refused to seek help for his mysterious erratic behaviors in the past, and it's a struggle to get him to do it now (as a result of the disorder).

What I don't want, too, is for him to be waiting all day for me to text him or something of that nature, all while getting really upset and insecure (I've been there myself, not fun), and that does not combine well with my rapid cycle bipolar disorder that sometimes makes me just not want to talk to anybody, including him.

So, my question is: would it be acceptable to go and live my life with other boys until school begins? Should I talk to him about taking a break?

The right thing to do is break up. Borderlines are really dangerous people (speaking from personal experience).

 

[CoffSirrup]

>this thread
>tfw hugless, kissless, sexless, gropeless virgin
;_;

 

[Minwu]

The right thing to do is break up. Borderlines are really dangerous people (speaking from personal experience).

Sorry you felt threatened, but I think it's best to avoid mis-taking an anecdote when you're posting in a thread others come to for advice (and wtf is "borderlines")

 

[Stratos]

Sorry you felt threatened, but I think it's best to avoid mis-taking an anecdote when you're posting in a thread others come to for advice (and wtf is "borderlines")

Borderline personality disorder. Basically means you have ridiculous emotional swings (others feel annoyed, you feel ENDLESS RAGE, others feel rejected, you fall into deep depression, others feel a little happy, you are jubilant beyond belief) i have to agree that they are terrible people to invest yourself into usually but i was trying to avoid discriminating based on a diagnosis yknow

 

[Harlot]

thanks for the ableism guys

i feel much better about my bpd now!

 

[Bedschibaer]

People with borderline syndrome can have a wide range of symptomathics, saying "they are dangerous" is just one of the most idiotic things i have read in a long time, no offense. I think many scientists don't even use the term anymore because of what a wide differential range of symptoms can be covered with it and there is no real consens of what exactly can and should be covered by it. I have worked with borderliners who basically just dealt with their emotional pain by hurting themselves and i have met some that did in fact "do stupid things" and put others in danger.

Back to the guy with the breaking up with a borderliner problem: think about it, do you want to be with him? Are you able to be with him? The topic of being with someone who has a (mental) disorder is really hard to discuss because it is really hard to look beyond the disorder for many people. If you can do it, that is really impressive. I'm sure i wouldn't be able to. Deciding if you want to be with that person or not is something you probably should do yourself, getting advice on a semi-anonymous forum is nice and all, but in the end you have to decide and you have to know what to do. Judging from your post it is impossible for me to see how your relationship really works and how he sees it, talking to him about what your relationship actually means for him might be helpful to find out how he might react to breaking up.
When you want to break up with him talking to his psychiatrist (or whoever he is in therapy at or was in therapy last at) would be really helpful, since they can give you the most professional advice you can get. His doctors do stand under the hippocratic oath, but they are allowed to give you advise in this situation, since it directly affects both of you. I do realize this will be kinda hard to do since it's appareantly a long-distance relationship. Asking a real expert on this in your area won't hurt either.
About the thing of meeting other guys, i don't really think that is a good idea without informing him. If he finds out and wasn't ok with it he will very likely react in an irrational way. Nobody likes being cheated on after all.

 

[Chiki]

Sorry you felt threatened, but I think it's best to avoid mis-taking an anecdote when you're posting in a thread others come to for advice (and wtf is "borderlines")

I used to be a psych major, so I have some empirical evidence in favor of this, as well. I'll post it below.

People with borderline syndrome can have a wide range of symptomathics, saying "they are dangerous" is just one of the most idiotic things i have read in a long time, no offense.

Doesn't matter how wide it is. They all have one defining trait which is dangerous (not in general, but to have relationshps with):

Emotionally unstable [borderline] personality disorder is characterized by a definite tendency to act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences; the mood is unpredictable and capricious.

http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-pe05.html

Anyone who has borderline personality disorder has to have this defining trait. This is a terminological issue; anyone who doesn't have this trait is not a borderline. I don't know about you, but acting impulsively without considering consequences and having capricious and unpredictable mood swings is not a very safe trait to have.

An individual diagnosed with borderline personality disorder needs to show at least 5 of the following criteria:

Anyone who has at least 5 of these criteria (doesn't matter which) is not a person who anyone should have a relationship with, at all.

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior here.)
  
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  
• Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
  
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, Substance Abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior here.)
  
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
  
• Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
  
• Chronic feelings of emptiness.
  
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
  
• transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

It doesn't matter what kind of borderline a borderline is. Sorry, but they're all really risky. Do you honestly want to have a relationship with anyone who has at least 5 of these traits? I don't think all borderlines are bad people: I know they can often be more open-minded and more willing to make friends. But honestly, if you care about yourself at all, you should avoid relationships with them.

I'm just trying to help out here. Ultimately it's your decision if you want to seek a relationship with a borderline or not. I'd strongly advise against it.

 

[jumpluff]

fyi non-mentally ill laymen should probably just avoid talking ever about mentally ill people since they apparently know nothing about them. What is relevant is the behaviour shown in the relationship, not the diagnosis. Just be aware of that person's history. As someone who either is or her family is diagnosed with basically everything in the DSM (and apparently has BPD), knowing that person's history and patterns of behaviour/thinking will be helpful to you both to resolve problems.

This specific case: you are never obligated to be in a relationship with someone, and from experience with an abusive relationship (of sorts..) where I was guilt tripped quite severely, there are a) some things you cannot control and that that person should seek other sources of support for, not put all their eggs in one basket b) times when you just cannot be in a relationship with someone. Not being interested in someone is probably a good example of b).

Just don't be cruel about it. You know what would be even crueller to someone with BPD? Cheating on them. Sure, someone with BPD is gonna take breaking up badly, who doesn't? Especially if they have a history of perceived or real abandonment. But cheating (where cheating = breaking the agreed-upon or mutually accepted terms of a relationship) is betrayal to anyone and fucks people up. Just be honest, try not to be cruel or drag the mental illness into it, and if you get any weird messages/threats of suicide/etc. urge this person to seek help (friends, therapist) and make it clear you can't speak to them. What will be healthiest for this person will undoubtedly be to cleanly move on from you

Also generally a lot of people take long-distance relationships seriously and I would personally consider it cheating if you started hooking up with other people without discussing whether it's cheating with that person first.

 

[doublenikesocks]

What is the best way to meet and talk to girls? I know that's a really shallow and nooby question but I'm back to square A in terms of relationships. Anything helps. I am 17 and will be a high school senior in a week.

 

[Crux]

Not going to Tea Party meetings is probably a good starting point. Not too many women that I know like being oppressed.

 

[Navy]

What is the best way to meet and talk to girls? I know that's a really shallow and nooby question but I'm back to square A in terms of relationships. Anything helps. I am 17 and will be a high school senior in a week.

Myspace.

No, i'm kidding. But what do you mean "best way to meet and talk to Girls". Do you mean, the best way to approach a Girl IRL or meeting Girls over Social Networking ?

 

[doublenikesocks]

Not going to Tea Party meetings is probably a good starting point. Not too many women that I know like being oppressed.

You are the bigot, not me.

Myspace.

No, i'm kidding. But what do you mean "best way to meet and talk to Girls". Do you mean, the best way to approach a Girl IRL or meeting Girls over Social Networking ?

irl. I can't stand social media/twitter/facebook/instagram/snapchat.

 

[Navy]

You are the bigot, not me.

irl. I can't stand social media/twitter/facebook/instagram/snapchat.

Well. It's simple, just approach her and talk to her lol...

Look man, you can't think about it. The way guys are setup, we are MEANT to talk to Females no matter what. We're programmed for shit like this. We obviously HATE the fear of rejection, which is understandable, NOBODY likes getting rejected. But we aren't always gonna get what we want. So you have to think small, not big, just small. Don't think about a BIG picture. Just the basics, always remember, you MUST give a Female a great first impression. Don't think ALL females are just gonna blow you off/reject you, or you just feel like you're creeping or bothering her. That's 1 thing that kills your desire to take any approach, don't let those assumptions kill you. Take chances man, life is all about taking chances. A rejection may hurt somewhat a bit, but life goes on man. You'll have plenty of more chances to talk to other chicks...

 

[Oglemi]

"Just talk to them" is common advice and it isn't wrong, but I know from personal experience it's also extremely hard to just "talk to someone" for many people, and for me this isn't even considering guys that I'm ~interested~ in. It's just plain hard for me to strike up a conversation with people I don't already know (and even sometimes when I do lol). It's something you just have to practice and work at like anything else.

Navy is right in the "think small" aspect. You don't have to blow them out of the water and give them a mind-gasm and then invite them back to your place that night and show them the best night they've ever had. Just introducing yourself, saying hi, asking them their name (if you don't already know), and then complimenting on something about them, or talking about something they might be interested in (or ask what they are interested in), is really all the further you have to get on a "first encounter" to make an impression.

Rejection does suck, and even worse is absolutely no reciprocity, but it becomes monumentally easier to talk and introduce yourself to girls the more you do it.

Assuming the worst will only get you the worst. Assume nothing and be happy when something does happen.

Overall I kinda restated Navy but I just want to make it clear that you don't have to pull out Barney Stinson one-liners and sleep with them that night. It's a long-haul kind of deal.

 

[blitzlefan]

Hi! Uhhh (wow first time posting in this thread I think) I'm a high school senior (actually I graduate tomorrow) and my girlfriend is a high school freshmen, and we've been dating for about a month and a half (this is my first real relationship). I'm gonna try my hardest to spend a lot of time with her over the summer, but afterwards I'm moving to Dallas and attending classes at UT Dallas - so the question is, what do you do in a long-distance relationship? How does it work? Thanks in advance for any responses I might get! :)

 

[doublenikesocks]

"Just talk to them" is common advice and it isn't wrong, but I know from personal experience it's also extremely hard to just "talk to someone" for many people, and for me this isn't even considering guys that I'm ~interested~ in. It's just plain hard for me to strike up a conversation with people I don't already know (and even sometimes when I do lol). It's something you just have to practice and work at like anything else.

Navy is right in the "think small" aspect. You don't have to blow them out of the water and give them a mind-gasm and then invite them back to your place that night and show them the best night they've ever had. Just introducing yourself, saying hi, asking them their name (if you don't already know), and then complimenting on something about them, or talking about something they might be interested in (or ask what they are interested in), is really all the further you have to get on a "first encounter" to make an impression.

Rejection does suck, and even worse is absolutely no reciprocity, but it becomes monumentally easier to talk and introduce yourself to girls the more you do it.

Assuming the worst will only get you the worst. Assume nothing and be happy when something does happen.

Overall I kinda restated Navy but I just want to make it clear that you don't have to pull out Barney Stinson one-liners and sleep with them that night. It's a long-haul kind of deal.

You would be right in stating that I have trouble talking to new people. I don't like meeting new people very much so talking to girls is very hard.
I also have no interest in sex whatsoever. So at least that's going for me.
All my previous attempts with girls have failed miserably. Being nice, being an ass, all of it.
Thanks for the help though. I am grateful for any advice.

 

[Myzozoa]

You would be right in stating that I have trouble talking to new people. I don't like meeting new people very much so talking to girls is very hard.
I also have no interest in sex whatsoever. So at least that's going for me.
All my previous attempts with girls have failed miserably. Being nice, being an ass, all of it.

but have you tried being yourself...

if you don't like talking to new people how are you going to meet anyone? im a neurotic person who mostly avoids interacting with randoms in public spaces (like on the bus or just walking around), but if I have any reason to talk to people then it's fine. I meet a lot of friends through activities and school (broadly) because then it doesn't feel forced or awkward (creepy???). It feels arbitrary when it's someone that just happens to be in the same public space as me.

My advice, as a person who takes a repressive and passive approach to romance, is to meet more people and then once you get good at people, it's probable that one or more of the people you meet will fancy you. There is never any certainty when it comes to human behavior, but somethings can be made more probable.


'Positive interaction' is a skill or technique that takes practice, the pick-up artist is at least correct in their assertion that positive interaction is a skill, technique, and, at the last, a game. They are wrong about almost everything after that tho imo.

 

[doublenikesocks]

I guess I will make some friends this summer then. Although I will be in contact with very few girls, cross country should give me an opportunity to meet new faces. Thanks for all the help.