Serious Friendship

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Lately, I've been living a pretty directionless and meaningless life. *Essentially* I have no close friends. No shoulders to cry on, no one to go to the movies with. And it sucks balls. I hate it, and I'm going to fix it. I feel like when you're alone, it's that much harder to pick yourself up when you're down.

1. But enough about me. What about you guys? What do you define as a "friend?" Do you think it is important to have friends? Why?
2. Do you have friends? And why are they your friends? Are you grateful for their friendship? Are they grateful for yours?
3. What do you think is most important in a friendship?

 

[chimp]

I know this feel so hard. Honestly one of the biggest appeals to joining smogon, for me, was all the companionship.

I mean, I do have lots of friends that I talk to in school, but we never hang out. I haven't texted anyone for months.

1. The definition of friend can go a along way. For some, it's someone you can talk to on a personal level, for others it's a person you can just trust to have a good time. A testament to the strength of a friendship is your ability to stay friends even in times of struggle, conflict, and disagreement.

2. I am very grateful for the friends I do have, even if we only interact during class. It makes school that much more fun.

3. Comfortness, I guess. If you aren't comfortable around someone, you probably aren't getting along on a friendliness level.

Here is a tip, if I may offer one. The best way to start an interaction is to just jump right in. Don't think about it too much. A simple "hi" will go along way, trust me. Even if you just do it once everyday when you pass each other in the hallway. Building relationships take time.

 

[Asek]

Thought I'd share as I've also been down in the dumps with pretty much no friends at one point as well

1. A friend (to me) is anybody who I'd hang around with on the weekends and generally get along with. I think its really important to have friends, which i realized a couple years back. My family had moved from the place I'd been in for 14 years, to a place that was now 2 hours away from the only place I'd called home. I thought it would be pretty easy to see all my old friends whenever I wanted, but I couldn't due to the lack of public transport connecting where I am now and where I was. For a couple of months after I moved I was really down, as I didn't really have a social life for about 6 months after moving. After I established a group of friends who I could go out with on weekends, I noticed myself feeling a lot better about myself and my position (I was really angry at moving + why I had to for a while), and I've come to realize that without Friends I would probably have turned into a toxic, unlike able person.

2. Luckily enough, ive made really good friends through my hobbies (surfing, football and games), and I guess I remain friends with these people because I enjoy their company and they enjoy mine.

3. Just being able to share interests and be comfortable around each other (as blizzardy said quite well). Also should be able to be depended on if you need them

When it comes to making friends, be happy and outgoing at school / work. Don't be that guy at school who always walks around with his earphones in ignoring everyone else. People naturally want to be friends with people who are upbeat and take time out of their day for a "hi, how you going" if you see them. Talk with people who you share hobby's with, and you'll more than likely hit it off. Basically, just don't be a dick and friends come eventually.

 

[Gymdude]

I understand that feeling too. During this past semester, I was taking 21 credits, working a part-time job, and doing an internship. Even though I lived in an apartment with four other guys, I had no time for socializing, playing games, really anything. The work was fine, at least it kept me busy, but not having any close friends really hurt me more than I thought it would.

1. A friend is anyone you can trust. The level obviously varies with how long you've known the person, how comfortable you are around them, etc. BUT I think everyone needs something different. A lot of my family members have lived alone for years, have virtually no one come to their houses, and only interact with our family. Maybe it's my age, but I've learned over the years that someone like me craves those personal intimate connections. I don't think I could ever live without it.

2. Something that I've found personally interesting and exciting about friendship is how it shows up later in life. Right now, I have a great number of friends, close and distant; however this was not always the case. In high school, I was pretty socially awkward and fairly troubled. I spent excessive amounts of time on the internet, and all of my friends were online friends. Today, even though I'm no longer connected to these people, my memories of them are just as fond as they would be with people in my real life. I even remember specific moments on certain forums that would swell my heart. Maybe this is a common thing, but I thought it was noteworthy. Memories from the past like that are what really make me value the friendships I have today.

3. I believe the ability to handle a friend at their worst is really important. Shows who's really got your back.

 

[The Great Gastly]

I'll take a shot at these questions, since I got into a small spat with my best friend last night, and we made immediate amends the next day. lol

1. I consider a friend somebody that I can always talk to and approach without fear of judgement, can connect with on any number of levels, and generally enjoy being around. I do think it's important to have friends, since social interaction -- whether it be digital or face-to-face -- is something I greatly value with my friends and I transitioning into "adult" life (college).
2. I have a very close group of around 9-10 friends (as well as others that I still consider friends, but aren't necessarily as close). We have remained close friends because our personalities rarely (if ever) clash, we have enough common interests to keep us connected, as well as enough differences to keep things interesting and engaging. I am very grateful for each of their friendships, I treasure every moment I get to spend with any them, and I'd like to think they feel the same way-- since this group started forming over 6 years ago, and has done nothing but grow stronger.
3. In my opinion, trust is the most important element in a friendship because it establishes reliability, it is put to the test through difficult times, and it gives the freedom to comfortably be yourself knowing you don't have to fear criticism.

Hopefully that wasn't too rambly, but thank you for this. I love answering important questions like these, because it allows for reflection. :)

 

[kalphite]

Anyone having trouble making friends should really read this book (How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie). All of the advice offered is incredibly simple and it's amazing how quickly you'll notice a difference in how people respond to you even after just reading one chapter.

 

[McGrrr]

Friendship is a comfortable silence.

I have a small circle of close friends. Included are some people whom I seldom see or speak with, and one person is half the world away, but none of that changes our mutual understanding and trust of each other.

 

[Ortheore]

The most notable thing I've noticed since leaving school is that developing/maintaining friendships once you leave actually takes effort. Like it's not as though you're seeing the same people every day automatically the way you are in school, you have to really make an effort to develop friendships by organising shit. This is a big factor in why I personally have approximately 0 close friends atm.

For me a friend is simply someone I enjoy spending time with. A close friend is one in whom you can place complete trust and just be completely open with.

 

[Flaccus]

In this year of our Lord MMXIV,

Please, hope with me that I am able to contribute what is worthwhile to this thread, but remember that I am an amateur in all things, especially in friendship.

Although, it is of interest that despite how I approach any friendship in only a bumbling and intuitive manner, and, despite the difficulties of maintaining any relationship that is not immediately convenient, friendship answers one of the deepest longings of my heart. Though it is true that the final cause of all man's activity is happiness, and nothing is done save insofar as it appears to be good, insofar as it appears to accomplish that happiness, it would seem that the absence of friendship spoils even the best of things.

I say that the absence of friendship seems to spoil even the best of things on account of the necessity of charity in the happy life of man. Here I must make two major distinctions: Happiness is not simply some state of elation, nor is charity simply the kindness shown to another. Rather, happiness is the activity, or operation, of goodness for the the intellectual creature, that is the thing that possesses mind. By "charity" here, we chiefly mean that habitual desire for the good of another. Now if happiness is an operation accordant with virtue or the goodness of man, then it cannot be without charity, for even in a consideration of the natural virtues, it is clear that none of the virtues are found entirely without the others, and none of them are without some intention for others. That is, no man is virtuous without making others virtuous, and this is from our political nature.

How then do we begin to talk about happiness and friendship but then speak shortly on charity? For charity is in a way that very meaning or form of friendship, but it should be clear even to those of us less experienced in friendship that there are various kinds or species. Here, on the distinction of friendships, I would add the words of the Philosopher.

. . . whether there is one species of friendship or more than one. Those who think there is only one because it admits of degrees have relied on an inadequate indication; for even things different in species admit of degree. We have discussed this matter previously.

The kinds of friendship may perhaps be cleared up if we first come to know the object of love. For not everything seems to be loved but only the lovable, and this is good, pleasant, or useful; but it would seem to be that by which some good or pleasure is produced that is useful, so that it is the good and the useful that are lovable as ends. Do men love, then, the good, or what is good for them? These sometimes clash. So too with regard to the pleasant. Now it is thought that each loves what is good for himself, and that the good is without qualification lovable, and what is good for each man is lovable for him; but each man loves not what is good for him but what seems good. This however will make no difference; we shall just have to say that this is 'that which seems lovable'. Now there are three grounds on which people love; of the love of lifeless objects we do not use the word 'friendship'; for it is not mutual love, nor is there a wishing of good to the other (for it would surely be ridiculous to wish wine well; if one wishes anything for it, it is that it may keep, so that one may have it oneself); but to a friend we say we ought to wish what is good for his sake. But to those who thus wish good we ascribe only goodwill, if the wish is not reciprocated; goodwill when it is reciprocal being friendship. Or must we add 'when it is recognized'? For many people have goodwill to those whom they have not seen but judge to be good or useful; and one of these might return this feeling. These people seem to bear goodwill to each other; but how could one call them friends when they do not know their mutual feelings? To be friends, then, the must be mutually recognized as bearing goodwill and wishing well to each other for one of the aforesaid reasons.

Now these reasons differ from each other in kind; so, therefore, do the corresponding forms of love and friendship. There are therefore three kinds of friendship, equal in number to the things that are lovable; for with respect to each there is a mutual and recognized love, and those who love each other wish well to each other in that respect in which they love one another. Now those who love each other for their utility do not love each other for themselves but in virtue of some good which they get from each other. So too with those who love for the sake of pleasure; it is not for their character that men love ready-witted people, but because they find them pleasant. Therefore those who love for the sake of utility love for the sake of what is good for themselves, and those who love for the sake of pleasure do so for the sake of what is pleasant to themselves, and not in so far as the other is the person loved but in so far as he is useful or pleasant. And thus these friendships are only incidental; for it is not as being the man he is that the loved person is loved, but as providing some good or pleasure. Such friendships, then, are easily dissolved, if the parties do not remain like themselves; for if the one party is no longer pleasant or useful the other ceases to love him.

Now the useful is not permanent but is always changing. Thus when the motive of the friendship is done away, the friendship is dissolved, inasmuch as it existed only for the ends in question. This kind of friendship seems to exist chiefly between old people (for at that age people pursue not the pleasant but the useful) and, of those who are in their prime or young, between those who pursue utility. And such people do not live much with each other either; for sometimes they do not even find each other pleasant; therefore they do not need such companionship unless they are useful to each other; for they are pleasant to each other only in so far as they rouse in each other hopes of something good to come. Among such friendships people also class the friendship of a host and guest. On the other hand the friendship of young people seems to aim at pleasure; for they live under the guidance of emotion, and pursue above all what is pleasant to themselves and what is immediately before them; but with increasing age their pleasures become different. This is why they quickly become friends and quickly cease to be so; their friendship changes with the object thatis found pleasant, and such pleasure alters quickly. Young people are amorous too; for the greater part of the friendship of love depends on emotion and aims at pleasure; this is why they fall in love and quickly fall out of love, changing often within a single day. But these people do wish to spend their days and lives together; for it is thus that they attain the purpose of their friendship.

Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in virtue; for these wish well alike to each other qua good, and they are good themselves. Now those who wish well to their friends for their sake are most truly friends; for they do this by reason of own nature and not incidentally; therefore their friendship lasts as long as they are good-and goodness is an enduring thing. And each is good without qualification and to his friend, for the good are both good without qualification and useful to each other. So too they are pleasant; for the good are pleasant both without qualification and to each other, since to each his own activities and others like them are pleasurable, and the actions of the good are the same or like. And such a friendship is as might be expected permanent, since there meet in it all the qualities that friends should have. For all friendship is for the sake of good or of pleasure-good or pleasure either in the abstract or such as will be enjoyed by him who has the friendly feeling-and is based on a certain resemblance; and to a friendship of good men all the qualities we have named belong in virtue of the nature of the friends themselves; for in the case of this kind of friendship the other qualities also are alike in both friends, and that which is good without qualification is also without qualification pleasant, and these are the most lovable qualities. Love and friendship therefore are found most and in their best form between such men.

But it is natural that such friendships should be infrequent; for such men are rare. Further, such friendship requires time and familiarity; as the proverb says, men cannot know each other till they have 'eaten salt together'; nor can they admit each other to friendship or be friends till each has been found lovable and been trusted by each. Those who quickly show the marks of friendship to each other wish to be friends, but are not friends unless they both are lovable and know the fact; for a wish for friendship may arise quickly, but friendship does not. [http://classics.mit.edu/Aristotle/nicomachaen.8.viii.html]

The whole of this work begins here: http://classics.mit.edu/Aristotle/nicomachaen.html The entirety of this text, the Nicomachean Ethics, has been incredibly formative to my view on happiness, friendship, and charity. I would recommend the work to any reader.

I would only add here the comments of the angelic doctor about friendship (cf. S. Th. II IIae, Q. 23., A. 1).

According to the Philosopher (Ethic. viii, 2,3) not every love has the character of friendship, but that love which is together with benevolence, when, to wit, we love someone so as to wish good to him. If, however, we do not wish good to what we love, but wish its good for ourselves, (thus we are said to love wine, or a horse, or the like), it is love not of friendship, but of a kind of concupiscence. For it would be absurd to speak of having friendship for wine or for a horse.

Yet neither does well-wishing suffice for friendship, for a certain mutual love is requisite, since friendship is between friend and friend: and this well-wishing is founded on some kind of communication.

may Truth and Love prevail.

 

[Heaven's Limit]

Lately, I've been living a pretty directionless and meaningless life. *Essentially* I have no close friends. No shoulders to cry on, no one to go to the movies with. And it sucks balls. I hate it, and I'm going to fix it. I feel like when you're alone, it's that much harder to pick yourself up when you're down.

1. But enough about me. What about you guys? What do you define as a "friend?" Do you think it is important to have friends? Why?
2. Do you have friends? And why are they your friends? Are you grateful for their friendship? Are they grateful for yours?
3. What do you think is most important in a friendship?

As i was one individual like many others who had to endure bullying over the course of years, having a small circle of friends and enjoying my time with them. I had deduced that a Friend is someone who wants to keep contact with you and shows interest even if you haven't met in ages, while i can't say the same about everyone in my circle, only through this i can safely say that i consider aforementioned Definition playing a deep role for myself.

You see, i do have them. But as we all part our ways into society we haven't spoken much, they are my friends because over the course of our shared school time, i was able to feel safe and wanted from someone else other than my family, i know this might seem really grim and sad but it sounds more severe than it really is.

I think the most important thing in a Friendship is being able to be yourself, while trust is on almost equal footing as aforementioned value, they both go hand in hand to create what i perceive to be most important in a Friendship.

 

[Tyler0]

1. But enough about me. What about you guys? What do you define as a "friend?" Do you think it is important to have friends? Why?
2. Do you have friends? And why are they your friends? Are you grateful for their friendship? Are they grateful for yours?
3. What do you think is most important in a friendship?

1. A friend will be there for you when you need them. It is very important to have friends because throughout your life you'll need people to fall back on, and they should be the friends ones.
2. Most people have friends whether or not they want to act like it. My friends are my friends because we get along and can work together on almost anything that somebody puts in front of us, within reason of course. I'm grateful for their friendships, as last year the person I was best friends with, both of them actually, stopped talking to me. At that time I thought we moved apart but we all got lazy and were moving apart during the school year. This year we have classes together so we've started talking again. It feels a lot better talking to one of them again because I'm no longer the lonely one at lunch.
3. The most important thing in any friendship is conversation. You have to be able to tell them if you're mad at them or at somebody else so the relationship between you and your friend can grow and flourish. A lot of relationships, whether romantic or not, will fail without proper communication skills.

Long story short, you will need friends, and great ones at that. Everybody has friends and there are many more that you only need to get out to talk to at any point. They will change your life for the good, if they are a true friend. During the friendship you will grow in many life skills, and they will lead you to more friends.
Its always best to start making friends by joining clubs or getting together before a test to study.

 

[SuzPeX]

Friendship has always been a hard concept to understand for me yes. I have some pretty close friends but are they irl friends no. A majority of the people I talk to are around the world. For example a good friend of mine lives in the UK. I've always been a wreck when it comes to people. Not been much of a people person I have horrid social anxiety, that could probably be a reason as to why. But, I find the people I meet on the internet to be more loyal and better than those in person. Could be just the fact I live in a really shitty place. xD

 

[fx]

I don't have any close friends really, I mean yeah there are those people I hang around during school events and occasionally I'll get a text, but really I'm a pretty shut in person outside of here. Honestly, the close friends I managed to pull off, I somehow fuck those up and it sucks because every day at school when I have to see them, I think of those moments where they were my friends at one point. but anyways ,,,

1. I somewhat believe that a "real" friend is someone I can tell *anything* to, no matter how dark of a secret is, sadly, i've only had one real friend like that who distanced away. Another quality would be to listen to my problems and help me and vise-versa. Really, just fun people that i can trust with my life.
2. Yanno, I'm really grateful for those people that manage to talk to me or sit by me in class, it's those small acquaintances that i don't really know but are cool people that i really enjoy.
3. Trust, you can't have a good relationship with anyone if you don't have trust.