With a soft splash, the opium pipe disappeared into the lake. “Finally” The old man who had thrown it uttered, squinting at the water. Or maybe he was just Chinese, after all, he was addicted to opium. With the struggling movements of an old man, he walked to a nearby park bench. “I never did find out if that man was a generous rock star, offering me to screw his fans alongside him, or a very strange mechanic.” The Chinese man said to himself, reflecting on what he missed due to the opium. “I never did get married.”
He had sat there on the park bench for a while, suddenly looked besides him. His friends were there, as always, unmoving, staring straight ahead. The biggest mistake of them all. There was little he wouldn’t do for a second chance. But sorrow was all he would have, for the rest of his life. Or, for about 5 seconds. A gunshot broke the silence.
“Hello there old man. Hell-o, and welcome to die!” Satan sat, constantly shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He was smiling wryly, wearing a sharp suit, and had a tattered contract and a few pens with him. On his desk there was a mysterious wooden box. “You’re... Satan?” The old man mustered, provoking annoyance in the lord of hell. “Yes! Yes I am the devil! I’ve got a mighty deal for you, lucky old man: You can easily receive this mythical puzzle box! It’s said that those who open it will be granted any wish.” “And what do I have to do?” “Well, Jesus pulled a mighty prank on me, and I want you to get the straws out of my dick.” Satan said, as he got up and unzipped. The straw was promptly removed, and the Chinese man received his puzzle box.
He had been fiddling with the puzzle box for one heck of a long time, and suddenly something shifted within the ancient wooden contraption. A lid opened.... revealing another box. Purple and grey, made out of plastic... complete with screen and controllers, it was a gamecube. Remembering it from his early youth, the geriatric old geezer turned on the cube, wondering what awaited him. Super smash bros. He figured it was part of the puzzle, and went into all-star mode. A friendly voice sounded through the chamber.
“Video games are meant to be just one thing. Fun. Fun for everyone!”
The Chinese man had been a competitive super smash bros. Player in his time, but years of doing opium had significantly harmed his skills. Despite that, he managed to dispatch all the absurdly tough opponents this cursed gamecube put up against his Donkey Kong, a character that reminded him of his birthplace, Hong Kong, which is a very respectable city indeed, and one incredibly relevant in global politics, economy, and scientific development. The last member of the smash bros. Cast, a Lucario that was not supposed to be in this game, and also appeared to just spam aura spheres randomly, was defeated most handily of all and...
HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER: DINOSAUR SUPER MASHUP
What the haunted game did not know was that our Asiatic anti-hero was an experienced archaeologist, a profession he had learnt to support his opium habits, and dinosaur super mash-up was promptly slammed into fossil fuel. A single message appeared on the screen, white on black.
“KONG-GRATULATIONS! YOU ARE CHAMPIOON!”
Our chinky champioon sat there wallowing in his victory for a short while, but the puzzle box began to fold open farther. A relic from before even the ancient times of wooden puzzle boxes was revealed: A Nintendo 64. The heroic Hongkonger gulped, reminded himself that he was doing it to wish for another chance, and turned on the diabolical device.
The game appeared to be some sort of bootleg, featuring a cigar-smoking James Bond wielding a potato gun. The mission was quite simple: infiltrate a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert and assassinate David Bowie. Fuelled by the desire to save his friends and do over his life, the Chinese man performed the mission, gathered all the collectibles, and completed all achievements.
From a thin slit in the box, an open envelope emerged. On it was written “Make your Wish!”, and it contained a blank piece of paper. At first, the Chinese man was overjoyed... but after thinking for a short time, this was perhaps the greatest challenge of all. Thinking of a wish that could not come back to bite him was like combating a lawyer, with the very concepts that form the basis of human thought replacing the law as weaponry. After long deliberation, our hero thought of the best answer he could muster: “Give me the power to travel through time!”
The wish was promptly granted, but sadly for this aged Asian, time travel maintains one’s absolute position in the universe, and since all objects move through the universe at ridiculous speeds, and also in part due to a certain Chinese man’s astronomically bad luck, UY Scuti was perturbed in the slightest amount by a foreign mass entering it, but this event damaged not a single helium atom.
Fin.
List in order from owned hardest to owned least:
1. a giant, mismatched animated skeleton of various dinosaurs that can detach parts at will to do ranged combat T-rex head, pachycephalosaurus torso, velociraptor feet, pteranodon wings, and parasoralaphus srms was crushed into gasoline by an expert SSB player.
2. a time traveling chinese man wielding a mythical puzzle box was tossed into a star.
3. "Uh.... /me uses aura sphere multiple times in hopes that someone is.... hit by it i guess?" got rekt like a scrub.
4. two ghosts sitting on a park bench, gazing forward, never moving were doomed to this existance for eternity.
5. The entire cast of Super Smash Bros. possessed by the vengeful spirit of Satoru Iwata was dispatched effectively.
6. A fan that you dont know if they are a fan of something or an actual fan that blows air got screwed either way.
7. UY Scuti was slightly perturbed.
8. a single atom of helium was unharmed, and so were the rest.
9. Satan, wryly smiling, with a tattered contract in his left hand, two pens in his right, and three straws in his third had the straw removed from his cock.
10. Conceptual Weapon: Best Answer was instrumental to the death of a protagonist.
11. James Bond with a cigar shooting David Bowie with a potato gun during a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert achieved 100% completion.
12. that feel when no gf drove a man to suicide.
