It had been a rough month for King Arthur and his round table - getting arrested will do that to you. While Arthur was successfully able to post bail after pawning Excalibur, his 12 knights weren’t quite as fortunate. In desperate need of having grown men stroke his ego, Arthur only had one choice left….
"Well," Arthur thought to himself, "this seems like an obvious choice."
Yes, my friends. Times were tough in Camelot. Budget cuts of this proportion hadn't been seen around here since the square table became round. There was nothing Arthur could do but wait.
And one by one, the responses came in.
"Arthur,
Loved hearing about your offer. Never tried anything with a round table before, but willing to give it a shot.
Joseph xo"
Another typical night for Joseph, browsing the men seeking men casual encounters on craigslist. Things had been desperate since the divorce, and keeping his old profile picture on Facebook while tagging her as "heartless bitch" probably hadn't helped his odds.
And so Arthur and Joseph met, in Camelot Castle. Joseph thought that the reviews looked okay on
tripadvisor, so at least if the sex was bad, he could get something out of the experience. And it was on that night that Joseph the Bitter become Joseph the Caring.
As the day broke, our two merry (married?) men sauntered out of their room and awaited the possibilities that a new day could bring them, together. While progress had been made with respect to refilling his round opening, there was still the matter of finances to which there seemed no answer. Arthur did what he was best at, and went to his knees, reciting what he just had the previous night.
ARTHUR: "Oh God.."
GOD: "Arthur, for fuck's sake! Not this again, another booty call?"
ARTHUR: "WAIT, don't leave! I come to you in dire need. While I possess the eloquence of an arts major, I share their employability. Please, God, I need money!"
GOD: "Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy Brothel".
GOD: "Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Brothel."
With a set goal in mind, Arthur realized that while his companion Joseph was more than enough for him, in order to complete this task, they would need more help. Arthur went back to his craigslist listing, and found another response waiting for him.
"Arthur,
I need a new outlet since my...
incident. I'm looking to get together, what did you have in mind?
TJ"
Arthur and Joseph left in a heartbeat, eager to expand their numbers. Little did they know what was waiting for them on the other side....
While Arthur was intrigued by the possibility of young blood, he needed to know if this new recruit was ready to tangle.
ARTHUR: "It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the heterosexual norms, sovereign of all England!"
TJ: "What the fuck?"
ARTHUR: "And this my trusty servant Joseph. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master."
TJ: "Well my mom and dad aren't home right now, can I take a message?"
ARTHUR: "Time is of the essence! We cannot wait, you must come with me! Leave note with your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, a quest for the Holy Brothel!"
With TJ the Probably Didn't Consent to his Addition in this Story along, our trio pondered as to just what God had meant by the Holy Brothel. Arthur again turned to his knowledge of the internet in desperation, knowing not how to advance in his journey.
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=the+holy+brothel&l=1
While conceptually (and algorithmically!), this may have been the best answer, it was clear to Arthur that this was not the Brothel seen in the photo. While technology had brought him Joseph, it was clear this time that it had failed. If our group was to succeed, they would need to do so without the power of Google.
The scene transitions. Our group is seen passing over a mysterious bridge in the middle of Texas, until they are suddenly stopped by a hooded man, fiddling with a puzzle box. He approaches our group, pulls back his hood, and reveals his slender asian physique. A voice echoes throughout the night: "NONE SHALL PASS." The man disappears in an instant, only to come back with what could only be described as the next Jurassic Park sequel. As the man moved back in an attempt to avoid the upcoming conflict, he failed to notice a T-Rex head, flying towards him at near light speed. No amount of time could save him. Only a poorly Photoshoped image remains of the brutal murder.
Arthur and his knights were astonished by the ferocity of the creature. Arthur approached it and demanded it allow him to pass the bridge, yet was only met by what would guess a T-Rex sounds like.
At this point, it is up to the reader to visualize the strange, 3rd grader's imaginary friend gone wrong. Have you pictured it? That's good! I was having trouble with that. Now let's go back to the Monty Python and the Holy Grail reference. Remember the Black Knight scene? Are you sure? Here, let me help you.
Now imagine that instead of the Black Knight, you have the dinosaur fucker. How perfect is that? IT CAN DETACH ITSELF WHENEVER KING ARTHUR HITS IT.
Unfortunately, King Arthur just sliced it in the head. It's hard to detach yourself at will when you're braindead. End scene.
After this encounter, tale of King Arthur's bravery and skill travelled across Twitter. Responses on craigslist filled Arthur's email. Soon, twelve were following him.
There was William, the mysterious. Onzin, the Nonsensical. And a few others that no one really cared all too much about. Ah, Sir Bedivere was one of the names...
Together, these twelve men were successfully able to determine the identity of the man shown in the Brothel. They followed all traces of his location until they arrived in Pasedena. Little did they know they weren't the only group arriving in this Californian town. You see, the Red Hot Chili Peppers had also arrived.
Anthony Kiedis descended off the plane, shirtless and singing with terrible pitch as always, before demanding some stereotypical Californian treatment. Flea followed behind him, with only a bass hanging around him. John Frusciante was dreaming Californication, and there's probably a drummer in a band.
They were set to play a concert at the Rose Bowl, somehow getting David Bowie to open for them. Some British guy was trying to shoot Bowie, likely an act of spite against the his fellow countryman, yet he failed handily. As the potato escaped from his gun, it hit the air conditioning unit in the Spartans jersey on stage to cool Bowie.
King Arthur and his men eventually ventured into the Rose Bowl, where they had heard rumour that the one they were looking for was. As they passed by the entrance, they noted an Aura Sphere, headed towards two ghosts, unfazed by the attack. It missed, but seemed to point inwards towards a young man. It was him. The man of legend.
And so Arthur and the man of mystery met face to face. No words needed to be spoken. The one known as the Great Deceiver quickly turned to his left, and tapped an imposing figure.
Satan turned around, and handed Arthur a contract. The location of the Brothel was to be revealed, of course, but on one condition. Arthur was to win in a game of Smash unlike any he had seen before.
Yet with one swift Falcon Punch, it was all over.
And so, our marry gang finally reached their goal. The Holy Brothel had finally been reached!
Deep, deep in the universe, watching over all of this, was Uy Scuti. And eventually, as time moved forward, and Arthur became long forgotten in history, and even Uy Scuti ceased to exist, the lone helium atom of alpha decay lived on.
THE POWER RANKINGS
1. That feel when no gf leads to an alternative source of love, and eventually the Holy Brothel.
2. A single atom of helium lives in indefinitely
3. A fan that you dont know if they are a fan of something or an actual fan that blows air sliced a potato
4. some dinosaur fucker nearly killed king arthur
5. Satan didn't die
6. but UY Scuti did (eventually)
7. two ghosts sitting on a park bench, gazing forward, are immune to aura sphere.
8. the entire cast of super smash bros. almost beat king arthur.
9. a time traveling chinese man travelled time to get the ultimate weapon, and lost
10. James Bond failed horribly
11. and Aura Sphere somehow missed as a guarenteed hit move.
12. But at least it was a tangible attack.
Requesting bottom 3 be knocked out instead of bottom 2.