I'm leaving to move back in at school in literally like half an hour and need to pack my computer, otherwise this would have been longer.
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It was a bright, sunny morning in South Park, Colorado. A gentle breeze wafted through the air, lightly caressing the mighty oaks standing tall throughout the town. Down below, three young boys were engaged in jubilant discussion about how much of a whore Cartman's mom was.
Of coursde, around this time is when Cartman himself happened to walk up.
[DISCLAIMER: I have maybe seen 2 episodes of South Park in my entire life, and it was quite some time ago. Dialogue may not reflect accurate characterization.]
"Oh, FUCK you guys!" he shouted angrily.
"Oh, 'sup fatass?" asked Kyle, noticing his not-very-stealthy approach. Meanwhile, Stan and Kenny ignored Cartman and continued their conversation.
"You know what would be really awesome. What if it turned out Cartman's mom had been in a porno from, like, the 1940s, and it was super racist?"
"Mmmph!" came the emphatic agreement.
Disregarding Cartman, Kyle turned to his compatriots. "Yea, that would be cool and all, but you know what would be even cooler? I saw a commercial today for ambidextrous scissors, so what if you had an ambidextrous guy sharpen them and use them as a weapon? He'd be the ultimate killing machine!"
"That's retarded, Kyle. Besides, I've told you guys before, nothing's cooler than Sherdog Holmes!"
"No one gives a shit about your stupid German shephard, Cartman!" yelled Kyle as Stan nodded in agreement.
"Mmmph," said Kenny, chiming in.
"He does have a good point, leopards ARE pretty cool. And changing your spots would be good camoflauge," mused Stan.
Cartman was visibly growing more frustrated. "Leopards are cats, and dogs EAT cats! That's just stupid!"
With a heavy sigh, Kyle conceded that Cartman did, in fact, raise a fair point. "Let's have someone else decide which one is coolest. How about... that guy over there!" He pointed at a bum sitting on the side of a road.
"If that guy's so cool, why doesn't he have a house?" muttered Cartman, but he did follow his compatriots over to where the bum was sitting, huddled underneath a tattered blanket.
"Excuse me, Mr. Bum, but my friends and I were having a discussion, and we can't decide what would be the coolest." Laying out his options, Kyle asked the bum to help them decide.
The bum took off his spotty spectacles and began "cleaning" them on his equally-disgusting shirt. "Well," the bum mused, "We know the only thing cooler than being cool is ice cold, right?"
"If we use that logic, then the leopard's out, as leopards only live in dense jungle areas. And if your Sherlock Holmes dog were living in Germany at the time of Arthur Conan Doyle's writing career, he wouldn't have had access to ice cubes. So the animals are right out."
Cartman began to say something, but was hushed by Stan, who was clearly interested in seing where this would lead. Kenny seemed rather resigned to his defeat.
"The other two are a bit trickier. The ambidextrous man would be able to operate a fan with both hands, making him quite cool indeed, but the racist porno would have taken place in an air-conditioned room. I think, in the end, the trump card is this: the original quote we've used for our entire proof is attributed to legendary hip-hop duo Outkast. What is Outkast? Black. And what race do racist pornos generally trumpet superiority over? Blacks. I think, therefore, we can declare our racist porno the winner."
"Wow, that was really thinking outside the box!" said Kyle in amazement. Cartman was visibly livid, but Stan managed to hold him back.
The bum then shanked Kenny, grabbed his wallet, and ran off. That bastard.
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POWER SHANKINGS RANKINGS
1.
A bum who thinks outside of the box proved the triumph of logical thought.
2.
a game of rpsi played by south park characters was actually pretty good.
3.
an incredibly racist porno from the 1940s won, even as civil rights lost.
4.
a pair of scissors, patiently sharpened, deftly wielded by an ambidextrous man lost only due to Andre 3000 and that other guy.
5.
A crime-solving German Shepherd complete with magnifying glass, deerstalker, a PI license and a crippling Beneful addiction. was sent back to elementary.
6.
a leopard that can change its spots couldn't save the life of its creator.
moi
