Walrus Walrein's Walrus: A Song Competition - Won by Adam

[Ampharos]

32nd place, earning 4.5 points: TraceofLife

Lana del Ray - Young and Beautiful
4.5/10

I’ve heard like 3 Lana del Ray songs now, and they all sound about the same - that is to say, incredibly boring. She can sing, certainly - I just wish she was on a song that would let her cut loose and show it off. The backing track is pretty solid, and probably bumps it up from a hard 4, but overall it pretty much failed to capture my attention in any way.

 

[Ampharos]

31st place, earning 4.9 points: shubaka17

Hayley Kiyoko - Pretty Girl
4.9/10

As expected, shubaka sends something super gay. Heh.

This is a song that never goes anywhere. It opens minimalistically enough that it sounds like it might do something to break out of the malaise that it sets itself into. Then it doesn’t. It just sort of sticks with the same airy, empty-spaced focused artpop feel the entire time. I keep waiting for the song to do something, and the something never comes, and it pisses me off.

 

[Ampharos]

30th place, earning 5 points: Alette

Alicia Keys - New York
5/10

So you know I’ve never been to New York, right? Like, a big sweeping ballad about this place I’ve never been isn’t exactly going to inspire a grand emotional response from me. The song itself is perfectly average if you remove the context from it. It’s a little boring until the last chorus, and then it gets a bit livelier, which is gonna even out right around a five. At least you didn’t send me a BAD song.

 

[Ampharos]

29th place, earning 5.2 points: Martin

Quok - Atariwave
5.2/10

Well, it certainly lives up to its name. I kinda struggle to come up with comments for this one - it’s pretty far outside what I ordinarily listen to. It kinda just fades into the background for me, so it feels disingenuous for me to rate it much higher than a 5. I will say that I kinda like the tone of the synths, but they don’t really do enough with it to make me a big fan of the song. At least you’re not singing about a city I’ve never been to.

 

[Ampharos]

28th place, earning 5.5 points: Dave

Jess Glyne - Take Me Home
5.5/10

Another fairly generic pop ballad, except this one’s a bit more OK than the rest. She has a good voice, but it doesn’t sound THAT different from every other song of its ilk. She also sort of almost sounds autotuned? Idk I should really like her as a singer but something about the production detracts from the vocal quality. Other than that it’s not that engaging of a song. Pretty bland stuff.

 

[Ampharos]

27th place, earning 5.8 points: Owner of a Lonely Heart

Suzanne Vega - World Before Columbus
5.8/10

So here’s the deal. Sentimentality is generally not what drives me to enjoy a song. It’s not that I don’t pay attention to lyrics, it’s just that a tragic emotional connection to said lyrics isn’t the primary thing I’m looking for in my music. And with that being said, this song doesn’t really excel in any other aspect. It’s a pretty meandering ballad, and not one that grabs the attention outside of its lyrics.

 

[Ampharos]

26th place, earning 5.9 points: zorbees

Demi Lovato - Remember December
5.9/

I won’t lie, this wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Generic mid-00s pop rock isn’t great, but it’s a lot better than the generic mid-00s bubblegum pop that I thought I was gonna get. This could have maybe scored higher, but there’s something about the vocal harmonies in this song that really bugs me. I know it’s nitpicky, and I can’t really put my finger on why exactly it bothers me, but them’s the breaks.

 

[Ampharos]

TIED FOR 24th place, earning 6 points: myzozoa

St. Vincent - These Days
6/10

This placement will be contentious, because St. Vincent is clearly very talented as both a singer and guitarist. Again, however, sentimentality isn’t what gets me. So while I’m sure this song is beautiful or whatever, and it was plenty pleasant to listen to, it’s not really the sort of thing I’d like to listen to on a daily basis. It scores better than Owner’s purely because St. Vincent’s guitar skills are sick as hell.

 

[Ampharos]

ALSO TIED FOR 24th place, earning 6 points: Adam

Fleetwood Mac - Landslide
6/10

Remember what I said about sentimentality? Yeah. Stevie’s every bit as good a vocalist as St. Vincent, but in a very different way. With Fleetwood Mac, however, I tend to prefer their songs where the whole band gets in on it. This one could easily just be Stevie Nicks on a stool with a guitar, and while that’s great and all, it doesn’t really do it for me.

 

[Ampharos]

23rd place, earning 6.1 points: Empoof

Autolux - Asleep At The Trigger
6.1/10

I don’t think I’m hip enough to truly appreciate this song. It’s got a nice base, and then it piles a LOT of stuff on top of it. It’s one of those songs where the vocalist sounds high off their ass for no reason (well, unless actually being high off their ass counts as a reason), and that’s not really a sound that appeals to me. There’s enough good song in here to get it this far, but I’m not really a fan of all the bells and whistles on top of it.

 

[Empoof]

ho boy

this is gonna be a rough walrus for me

 

[Ampharos]

22nd place, earning 6.2 points: Priptonite

St. Vincent - Chloe In The Afternoon
6.2/10

Another St. Vincent song, and another song that I think I’m not hip enough to understand. There’s a lot of elements in this song that are pretty cool individually, but they’re all sort of tossed in haphazardly. The guitar work, as is par for the course, is really good, but it’s sort of scattered about the song randomly. I think I would like this a lot more if it were a bit more coherent.

 

[Ampharos]

21st place, earning 6.3 points: Yeti

Tegan and Sara - I Couldn't Be Your Friend
6.3/10

I like Tegan and Sara. I’m not such a huge fan of Tegan, feat. Sara, and that’s kind of what this song feels like. I like the energy, and the harmonies are still there to an extent, but there are Tegan and Sara songs that are so much better than this one. I also tend to prefer songs of theirs that aren’t quite as heavy on the electronic poppy elements, and are more traditional or alternative. Not a bad song, but a disappointing submission all things considered.

 

[Yeti]

ur grounded kiddo

 

[Ampharos]

19th place, earning 6.6 points: KnightsOfCydonia

7 Year Bitch - Hip Like Junk
6.7/10

This rates highly because it’s cheesy as hell. It’s so quintessentially 90s punk that you kinda can’t help but chuckle a bit. The bassline is pretty killer, too. Where it starts to struggle is where a lot of punk starts to struggle: a decent portion of the song doesn’t actually sound very good. It’s antiestablishment and all but the choruses of this song do not comprise a song that I actually wanna listen to.

 

[Lrr]

I thought Knights was just gonna submit Muse

 

[Ampharos]

tfw you forgot to post 20th place

20th place, earning 6.5 points: LightWolf

Elise - Oratorio The World God Only Knows
6.5/10

This was a difficult one to rate. I think in the end my inner weeb won out, because this could have gone lower. The second half of the song elevates it - the first half was probably a 5.5 tops, and got fairly annoying at times, but the more rock-influenced portions of the song were much more enjoyable. I imagine the vocals will bug some people. I didn’t mind them.

 

[Ampharos]

18th place, earning 6.7 points: Lord Gaius

Halestorm - Familiar Taste Of Poison
6.7/10

Perhaps the highest you’ll catch me rating a song of this ilk. I love Halestorm’s voice. Her name isn’t Halestorm but idk what it actually is so I’m going to call her Halestorm, and I love her voice. The sheer power behind her delivery elevates this song to an above average rating, and it’s more of a brooding track than one dripping in that dreaded Sentimentality.

 

[Ampharos]

17th place, earning 6.8 points: Xicor

Koven - Breathing Me In
6.8/10

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little triggered by MonsterCat just because it's all my freshman roommate listened to. But I really like the energy in this song. There's a maximalistic quality to the backing track that I tend to enjoy, and the vocals are pretty good too.

 

[Ampharos]

16th place, earning 6.9 points: lute

Metal Gear Rising - A Stranger I Remain (Sly Shinobi Mix)
6.9/10

Pretty much contractually obligated to give 6.9 to lute.

This is a little much for me. A little too middle school, if you will. It's cool and all, it's just a bit... over the top. I like the energy, though. Tone it down a bit and this is a great song.

 

[Ampharos]

15th place, earning 7 points: Drawesome532

Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit
7/10

I'm a sucker for classic rock and you know it, and the fact that you found one that I hadn't actually heard is just a bonus. I really like the vibes this puts out - really cool almost mysterious sort of atmosphere. I'm assuming you plan on listening to this on LSD lmao.

 

[Ampharos]

14th place, earning 7.1 points: Texas Cloverleaf

Nightwish - Amaranth
7.1/10

Nightwish is cheesy as hell as far as metal goes but I can dig it. I really like her voice, I just wish they were a little bit more ambitious with the track. There's so much more they could do here that they just... don't. Oh well. She's enough to carry it this far.

 

[Ampharos]

13th place, earning 7.2 points: t om

Eliza Doolittle - Skinny Genes
7.2/10

I really like the swingy aspect of this song. It's a nice rhythm and I can groove to it. Her voice itself is a bit generic but I like the overall feel this brings to the table. Name's a nice pun, too.

 

[Ampharos]

12th place, earning 7.3 points: 4maskwolf

Two Steps From Hell - Star Sky
7.3/10

Band name is edgy as hell, song checks out though. I think I've already stated that I'm a fan of maximalistic arrangements, so the orchestral backing pleases me, and I really like her voice. Song evokes a lot of good feelings in me. Sounds like it could be off a film score tbh.

 

[Ampharos]

11th place, earning 7.4 points: Nego

M83 - Go!
7.4/10

M83 is pretty hit or miss for me. This works, though. I don't really like the intro verse, but when the arrangement expands, the song gets significantly better. If it weren't for the verses, this might actually have scored higher. As it is, they kind of hold it back.