Around 2 hours ago on IRC [Internet Relay Chat for the uneducated; feel free to download it here if you're itching to speak to this gentleman; be warned, though: the finest Beavers from Canada are prepared to build dams sturdier than the Great Wall of China simply to protect this dude from the nusiances his multiple fans bring him], I told franky, who you may know as the 'man responsible for single handedly inspiring the nation of Canada to make Hockey their official sport after witnessing this athlete flawlessly handle a puck while skating on ice while simultaneously making said ice turn into Ice Cream cones out of sheer joy', that I would reply to his recent visitor message when I returned from business, and here I am doing just that.
The 'business' I was tending to was actually related to what I am about to grace your crust-filled eyes with. Before I say what the business was, though, why are this guy's fans eyes filled with crust, you ask? Easy. Crust usually appears when people wake up. Over night, everyone dreams about franky and the crust just builds up so quickly that it shuts their eyes closed, which is good because his fans wouldn't be able to handle his shine, which is brighter than the Sun, if their eyes were open. Anyway, here's the story: I went to Beyoncé Giselle Knowles' residence in order to discuss a very pressing matter: a re-write of her song titled 'All You Single Ladies' because we unanimously agreed that it absolutely needed to be re-written as a message to all of the single ladies in this world to lay off of franky's tropical Island nuts.
After meeting up with Beyoncé's husband, Jay-Z, who is Lay-Z unlike franky the workaholic, we went into the studios to work on the re-write. It's going to be released in stores on August 30th, but I'll drop a sneak preview of some verses here anyway since I wouldn't want to be the cause of twenty five thousand casualties caused by anxiousness. Wait a second, though. See how I said "after meeting up with Beyoncé's husband" earlier? Well, let's just say Beyoncé filed for divorce with Jay-Z in an attempt to hook up with franky instead. This, of course, failed, and Beyoncé is now one of those single ladies being eluded to in the below song:
To all of you single ladies,
I know you're hots for franky are hotter than the hell ruled by Hades,
But that doesn't mean you'll ever fulfill said desire by getting a little action with this guy inside his million dollar Mercedes,
So please do yourselves a favor and stop harassing this guy to consider making you Gifted-and-Talented Babies,
You can try pleasing His stomach by cooking Him some of the world's finest chicken wing fried rice,
However, the chances of Him giving you the time of day will still remain the same as the probability of a 4 landing one hundred times in a row on a Dice,
Which should make you think twice before cutting off your hair infected with lice before paying the price of bothering franky the Toys-R-Us sexual device,
The original version of this song said 'Now put your hands up, oh, oh, oh'
But the truth of the matter is that this dude doesn't want to see you flailing your hands in the air,
Because he seriously doesn't care,
Save him the trouble of seeing your armpit hair,
Which I should say doesn't smell like a breath of fresh air.
That's just a quick snapshot of what you can expect in stores near you in the future. No matter what, ladies, you will always remain single as long as you keep pursuing this magnetic North and South pole. There's a reason Beyoncé wrote "Just cried my tears, for three good years" in her original version of this song - it's because she was crying herself to sleep like so: