Time: Unknown
Place: Unknown
?: My lord?
!: Yes, come in, my humble servant...
?: We have entered phase one of your grand plan! Our first unit has been placed amongst the earth folk!
!: Ah...and if this test is a success, surely more will follow...and of course, it will be a success, because it was my perfect plan!
?: Yes, master. Soon, the earth will be under our control. Your plan is simply brilliant!
!: Indeed, it is...now, let us lean back and observe how our unit is doing...
Time: A few days after Unknown
Place: Equally as unknown
?: Master! Master! Our unit is making contact with other earthlings!
!: What??
?: Take a look at this! It's using this primitive form of communication used...the internet! Obviously, we have tracked everything!
!: Hmm, let me look at that.
Code:
* Connecting to 66.252.25.250 (6667)
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Local host: dickServer.Texas.us (10.1.6.13)
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-thundarr.dejatoons.net- *** Looking up your hostname...
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-thundarr.dejatoons.net- *** Checking ident...
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-thundarr.dejatoons.net- *** Found your hostname
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-thundarr.dejatoons.net- *** No ident response; username prefixed with ~
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-thundarr.dejatoons.net- *** If you are having problems connecting due to ping timeouts, please type /quote pong 5C42B40A or /raw pong 5C42B40A now.
-NickServ- This nickname is registered and protected. If it is your
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-NickServ- nick, type /msg NickServ IDENTIFY password. Otherwise,
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-NickServ- please choose a different nick.
-> *nickserv* identify BITCHING_GUITAR_SOLOS_666
-NickServ- Password accepted - you are now recognized.
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-HostServ- Your vhost of emotions.are.for.pussies is now activated.
!: Interesting. He is sharing some sort of writing block with other people. This will serve as an excellent test to see if those foolish humans can see a distinct difference between one of our units and simply another example of their species!
?: Yes, master! I will keep you updated on this!
!: Good. Now if you would leave me alone for a few minutes, I feel the urge to loose some moist.
?: Immediatly, master!
Time: Another few days after Unknown
Place: Unknowniness of location has not changed
?: Master, the situation might become critical!
!: What is the matter?
?: Our unit has dropped a hint about his oddity! The earthlings might catch on!
!: What? You recorded this, did you not?
?: Yes! Yes, of course, my master! Here are the recordings! The earthlings call it a "log". I took the liberty of adding the reactions of another earthlings involved on this communication system. Do you think the situation is grave?
!: Will you stop talking? I am trying to read...
?: I'm sorry master!
Code:
<Jth> how'd you manage to gain 20+ pounds
<CaptKirby> Jth, my grandfather died
<CaptKirby> and I binged a lot
<Jth> did you eat him or something
!: The plan might might not be for naught after all. The earthlings shrugged this off as "he's just fat" and saw this as a joke. We need not to worry.
?: Master, please finish reading. This is not all of it.
!: Oh, you're right, there is a backside.
Code:
<CaptKirby> like for lunch I would have an entire block of cheese
<CaptKirby> then for supper I would eat sugar
<CaptKirby> I would mix together white and brown sugar
<CaptKirby> and then put in sprinkles and shit
<Hipmonlee> how much sugar did you eat
<CaptKirby> like a 10 ounce cup's worth
<CaptKirby> if I was still REALLY hungry I would eat a second cup
!: No sane human will swallow such bullshit! These eating habits would completely screw up the brain of any earthling. Think up a viable excuse!
?: We can try to let him say he was only twelve...
!: Then what are you waiting for? Send the command!
?: Yes master!
!: And clean up the mess in my office!
?: Yes master!
!: ...this must not happen again...the consequences...we must have the earth...
Time: It's still unknown, but we know it's quite a bit later!
Place: There is not much to be said, but we are sure it's the same place.
?: Master, just when we thought we had the situation under control, our unit slipped up again!
!: WHAT? Why was this software not tested properly!
?: We thought it was, but it seems to react strangely in cultures where eating cheese and sugar is not normal!
!: ...I swear to God, why couldn't they make this a normal robot who doesn't really do anything all day but play games and give it an attractive name like Misty or something...
?: Master...the log...
Code:
<CaptKirby> aka a bunch of high schooled nerds
<CaptKirby> and they are not bad people but sleeping with them was fucking terrible
!: Stop that madness immediatly!
?: Y...yes sir! I will quickly make him deny that those were males despite the message he sent implying the complete opposite!
!: If he screws up once more, I will abort the plan until we have a more believably unit!
Time: Pretty short after the last unknown time!
Place: Not sure
?: Master, we have a whole series of reports displaying huge errors in the software!
!: I...hardly even dare to look!
Code:
<CaptKirby> how does your dick fit in an 18 month old
<CaptKirby> that would be like fucking one of those things you put your fingers in and they get stuck
<CaptKirby> chinese whatevers
<CaptKirby> I see every emotion as pretty much happiness and anger as irrational
<CaptKirby> which is why those are the only two that I engage in pretty much
<CaptKirby> like once or twice a year I might accidentally get sad, but then I stop being sad
<CaptKirby> lol I do not pretend anything
<CaptKirby> the only feelings I cannot control are happiness and anger, so therefore, I logically conclude that they must be the only ones that are important
<CaptKirby> yeah, if I get sad, I just call myself a pussy and get over it pretty much right then
<CaptKirby> I am not perfect, I would not feel anger were I perfect!!
<CaptKirby> but I am pretty emotionally perfect, yes
<CaptKirby> of course, this is probably the logic murderers and rapists use
<CaptKirby> but I would never go down that path
<CaptKirby> but seriously come on guilt is ridiculous
<CaptKirby> like people who feel guilty about lust
<CaptKirby> anyway for instance I also do not feel jealousy Jumpman
<CaptKirby> my first girlfriend threatened to dump me, so I just stopped feeling it lol
<CaptKirby> it is really easy to accomplish, you just make a conscious effort for a while
<CaptKirby> I cannot believe you would just leave that poor baby out to die Vineon that is terrible
<CaptKirby> your lack of compassion is repugnant to me, personally
<CaptKirby> (I am pretending to have emotions)
<CaptKirby> one should never act in a way that is not at least partially in their interests
<CaptKirby> but some people utterly disagree
<CaptKirby> this is why I want to work for greenpeace or some shit
<CaptKirby> I do not want to work for an environmental group that is about giving and giving
<CaptKirby> I want one that is about making people not do stupid shit
<CaptKirby> I do not really know what greenpeace does actually
<CaptKirby> np: Fall Out Boy - Thanks for the Memories!
!: ...
?: Master?
!: Leave this unit on earth. These foolish earthlings will never suspect anything, they will only laugh at him as if he were a failure of their own species. I will learn from my mistakes and design a new robot.
?: If I may ask master, what will this new robot do?
!: Instead of trying to make it talk rationally, I will simply let it use...what do these earthlings call these series of characters again to express their feelings?
?: Emoticons, master?
!: Yes, emoticons. Every sentence will be accompanied by an emoticon. There will even be emoticons without sentences. Using emoticons to communicate will be much safer than words. Whenever something might happen that tips the surprise, we will make it autoquit IRC with an obnoxious message such as "kiss" so that it cannot dig us in a deeper hole.
?: We will start working on this immediatly, master!
!: Now please leave me alone for a moment...
?: Yes, sir...
