[Mind Controller]

This is my attempt at being funny.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present you the History of the Pokemon World.

Note: There is some rude language. You have been warned.

...

---

Creation Arc

An egg, made out of matter, is born out of total nothingness, making complete sense. Arceus the white mouthless llama (and hermaphrodite) god later hatches from it. She later gets bored at emptiness.exe and decides to use Microsoft Divine Creator to create the universe.


Dialga, who later turns evil and Palkia, the number two sexual innuendo Pokemon come into existence. Then Giratina the major dragon-centipede of antimatter appears. Five seconds later, Giratina breaks the tiny little rule of not being evil and Arceus sees this as serious business, so she permabans him to the Distortion World, where he stays until his ban is lifted.

Dialga and Palkia go “LOL BRB” after they stablilize time and space and they disappear into their own dimensions, completely hidden away from the world except for Arceus, who incestly masturbates to their manly dragon forms. Spear Pillar is created, its tip somehow not looking like a dick.

Arceus creates the three little bitches Uxie, Mesprit and Azelf. The gift of knowledge, emotion and willpower are given to the mortals. What were those gods thinking? Later the three bitches head on down to a bunch of lakes, their main intention to splash about in the water and learn pussy-ass water jutsu.

Kyorge and Groudon are formed by natural phenomena (pressure in trenches and hot magma), making perfect sense again. They break out their Lego sets and proceed to create the oceans and the earth, respectively. Then they get into a kiddy brawl about whose fort is better, slaughtering millions of Pokemon in the process. No-one cares.

Nanny Rayquaza descends from the heavens and gives them a smack around the ear, before ordering the two of them to apologize. Then she expels them out of the surface preschool and sends them home.
Later Kyorge and Groudon poop out the Red and Blue Orbs, causing mass chaos millions of years later. Mew decides that he wants to be a legendary Pokemon and kills off his brothers and sisters.

Regigigas is given the sucky job of cleaning up after the kids. He shoves the Lego pieces into one pile, creating Mount Coronet and Mt. Pyre. Regirock, Registeel and Regice are formed for no apparent reason. So is Heatran, who is quite possibly the ugliest looking legendary ever. Arceus poops out the Lustrous, Grisesous and Adamant orbs before heading off to bed.

Prehistory

Humans appear, proving the to be the cancer of /world/. Regigigas and the other golems try to do a Systematic Antivirus scan, but humans activate ‘Animator vs Animation’ mode and seal the monsters away. Genesect also appears around here, but who cares?

Writing is developed, allowing humans to use words such as ‘fuck’, ‘crap’ and ‘penis’. Farfetch’d, which is constantly mocked by the Smogon community, suddenly starts decreasing. Ancestor of admin Seven Deadly Sins is thought to be responsible. Magikarp also starts mutating, lowering its BST and forcing it to become the butt of many, many jokes.

Recent history

Bell Tower and Brass Tower are built in Ecruteak City. Ho-Oh and Lugia go, “Me Gusta” and perch on top of them. Spiritomb, made out of 108 souls that did not follow Buddhism, are sealed inside the Odd Keystone from mods of the world.

The move Toxic is invented, giving TM 06 a reason to exist. It also makes Chansey twice as annoying to kill.

Arceus goes, “OMGWTFBBQ” at the Brass Tower and uses Ember, reducing it to ashes. Arceus lols. The three legendary dogs ragequit life and die. Ho-OH revives them, then flies off in search for a human, proving to the whole world that he’s anidiot. The Pokemon League challenge starts, forcing Pokemon slavery into being. Arceus rages.

Humans land on the moon in 1969, but don’t find any Pokemon. Instead, they find a character from Portal 2.

S.S. Tidal, the boat with a very generic name, is built. Porygon the SeizureBot is also created by scientists, killing millions of Japanese children with random flashy attacks. Rotom inhabits a mansion in Sinnoh, scaring off the owners.

Before Red and Blue

Scientists talk Mew. Mew deals restraining order via a stand of his hair. Scientists play Arceus and create Mewtwo. Mewtwo finds out that he’s a clone and goes all, “FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU—”, then blows up the lab.

Generation I

Red, an inspiration for all silent heroes everywhere, leaves on his journey. Gary motherfucking Oak challenges him along the way, but always loses. Not even Gary motherfucking Oak can beat the epicness that is Red.

Team Rocket tries to threadjack the whole of Kanto, but Red shouts (without using words), “STFU NOOB!”, then pwns their asses and sends them blasting off again.

The Sevii Islands open. Red finds more Team Rocket members. Words are exchanged, a hint of Giovanni’s son appears before Red pwns the members again. They really were doing it wrong.

Red decides to stand on top of a mountain for three years without food, clothing or shelter. No-one is worried, because they believes the kid knows exactly what he’s doing. Lance takes the spot of the champion in his place, prompting every single Trainer who attacks the Elite Four to include an Ice-type on their team.

Heatran yawns, causing Cinnabar Island to erupt. People die, nobody cares. Blair becomes a homeless man living in the side of a mountain, but later decides to spruce the place up by adding some random trainers and a few torches.

Lorelei and Agatha chicken out and retire from the Elite Four. Karen and Will take their places.

Generation II

Team Rocket returns. Ethan/Lyra/Kris goes “DO NOT WANT” and pwns their butts, unfortunately not as epic as Red’s way. He/she later climbs to the top of Mt. Silver and challenges Red to a fight. Cheat codes are activiated, due to the sheer power of Red’s Pokemon. Red later loses, and for some strange reason he doesn’t climb down the mountain and return to Pallet Town. Maybe it’s a hobby of his?

Generation III
Pokemon X begins, describing an epic journey between a pervert, the daughter of a scientist and a sickly sarcastic boy. Team Magma and Aqua try to break out Kyorge and Groudon’s Lego sets, but fail since they’re not gods. You’d think these things would be common sense.

Nanny Rayquaza descends from the heavens again to stop Kyorge and Groudon’s hissy fit. Apologies occur, and the two gods disappear. Then Brendan comes along and captures all three of them, as well as Regirock, Registeel and Regice. He later becomes the tyrant of all Hoenn.

Generation IV
Barry the hyperactive retard and his boyfriend/girlfriend leave from the nearby swimming pool. They get attacked by a little bird and fail to fight it off. Later they got Pokemon and go on their own private journey. Team Spandex—I mean Team Galatic try to take over the world. Apparently they didn’t learn from past teams’ mistakes and they get their butts pwned by Lucas/Dawn. Their ridiculous hairstyles contributed to 50% of their failure.

Cyrus the emotionless Nazi goes to not-Penis tower. He bondage slaves Dialga and Palkia and tries to take over the world. Giratina uses no clip and joins reality’s server. The laws of physics get pissed at him and send him back to hell, along with emo Nazi and the boy/girl.
Lucas/Dawn later captures Giratina, giving him/her power of antimatter. He then uses cheat codes to obtain the Azure Flute, and captures Arceus. He/she later becomes the supreme ruler of the universe.

Generation V

The events of Pokemon Black and White occur. Go and play it, if you haven’t done it already. It will not be written here due to spoilers If you’re a Pokemon fan and don’t own the game, then the author of this report is very disappointed in you.

Other History

1999—Serebii starts as a kickass Pokemon info site. The head admin disables right-clicks in order to prevent piracy. Too bad that print-screens are just as effective.

2004—Smogon is created, starting massive flamewars across the Internet as to why or why not Pokemon should be considered serious business. The Smogonites plug their ears and listen to the music. Latias later is nominated Uber, sparking gigantic rage from all Latias fans.

2005—Bulbapedia comes into being, yet another ripoff of Wikipedia. Unlike Wikipedia though, it is actually helpful.