The formatting was excellent, and made the story a lot easier to read. The commentary was appropriate for the turns being described, but it wasn't really "vibrant." I don't know what to tell you about that though, that's just something you get better at in time. The battle itself was very good for the first 85% or so, but that it came nowhere close at the end to being really suspenseful was a little bit of a turn-off. I guess when you get a battle that was especially technical and complex you get eager to write about it even if the tail end wasn't so great. Not a big deal.
The formatting was the best part, in my opinion; I can't remember a warstory I was able to read so easily. I'm very ADD, and am seldom able to read a warstory straight through (seriously, I can't even proof-read my own because of it), but this was no problem.
Overall a good job, just needs some tweaking.
441 D/Cs and counting, baby!
*Contrary to popular belief, this is not a compendium of people who disconnect on Wi-Fi. See: Seinfeld, "The Comeback."