[Zystral]

Reveillark

...

---

"The sun is shining, the breeze is gentle, it's the heartbeat of summer and the height of one's youth!"
And there he goes, dancing off, leaping around the courtyard as if it were his own personal dance space. No care for the presence of others, not bothered by any judgments made on his person. I'll be honest, I envy Tom a great deal. To be able to completely disregard the rules and do whatever you want when you want is something I've not really ever been able to do. Of course, it's exactly as he says. The sunlight and feeling of revival give a certain invigoration to one's self.
"Well, perhaps today will be the day then?"
Giving myself a chuckle, I hop over to rejoin the group.

I can't even begin to recall the past year. It has been a journey, that much I can say. To start from exactly a year ago, I was in the deepest of ruts. It wasn't so bad that suicide was a legitimate consideration, but honestly, it was one of the lowest points of my life. Thus far. I don't want to start going into details, but damned if everything wasn't going wrong. As if feeling abandoned by everyone wasn't enough, bad news upon bad news rained down on me relentlessly. I genuinely thought that the story was over. Of course, I am here talking to you know, so obviously it isn't all bad, but believe me when I say, I cried myself to sleep more nights than I care to remember.

The road to recovery is not one without its speed bumps, and boy did I hit a few. But I didn't care; I was on the road to recovery. That alone was enough of a mood lifter to set me right. I told myself "You know where you're going now, just keep at it." I've been listening to myself even up to this point. It's helped, that's for sure. I stopped letting things get in the way, and I took control. It was the first time I've ever taken a major active part in my own life. The changes weren't even radical. They were gradual. Bit by bit, I'd try new things, explore new horizons. I wasn't going to jump in and change who I was immediately, but I would try. I would creep out of my shell, step by step, at my own pace. I daresay it marked me being alive again. It was as if I was a new person, new sparks appearing here and there, little things would make me smile. Boy does it feel good to smile. I don't think I've ever felt genuine pure happiness until that point.

Heh, then again. Life isn't all rainbows, butterflies, and sugarcubes. I had a few dark moments. But these weren't the depressed angst as of before. It was more sort of sheer anger. I suppose by learning to embrace a more... concupiscent outlook on life I opened myself up to allowing myself to respond with the same bravado I took to the more positive things with. I suppose the simple way to put it was I found myself getting more provoked; whether or not I brought that on myself is something I still ponder, but I managed through. Whether it was feeling unaccepted by the likes of Archie and Patrick, or just feeling bored with hanging out with Clegg and Kinny all the time, I kind of yearned for more.

Lo and behold, as the nature of relationships proved, specifically, the law of maintenance, as continued my "quest" to improve myself, I forgot and left behind more and more things. A few of them I'm revisiting, and a few of them I've left behind altogether. I still regret that. But it wasn't something I could run away from; my interests were changing, and I became preoccupied with various other things. Some good, some bad. You could describe it as a situation wherein I disliked where I was moving, but the fact that I was moving somewhere else was enough to keep me in. I regret making some of the choices I made, and taking some of the routes I took, but I'm here now. Like I said earlier, not letting anything get to me was important; I fear things could've turned out for the worse if I had responded any differently.

And so, we continue this idea of improvement, dislike of "improvement", decline, and repeat for a few more months. And now we're here. I don't know where I am anymore. If I had to pinpoint, I would say decline, although the rate of decline isn't static or as steep. I think I'm still in control. I don't like some of the things that are happening, but I like some of the others. I worry about what will happen next, but I'm also confident and striving. It's weird, I guess. Perhaps this is "growing up"? But in any case, I'm tired of looking at the future. It saddens me a bit, I guess, knowing that I'll never be in full control, and never be totally content, but that's life. After all, I never wanted all of my days to be saccharine and bright, but just to get by. I suppose "get by" means something else.

But it's not all bad. I don't know how to describe it, but I guess you could say I'm okay with the world. Well, as much as one can be, anyway. Sure, there's still hard work to be done. Sure, there's still problems to overcome. Sure, there are still going to be times when I will have a maelstrom of emotions raging inside me. Yet on the flipside, there will be times I can relax and enjoy everything. There will be times when I can have support and not panic. There will be times when I am indeed happy and content and all is well in the world. It may only be a fleeting moment, but it's those fleeting moments that I think show that I'm truly alive.

It's all about keeping the momentum and the initiative, I suppose. So I'm not like Finn who's overtly intelligent and can do whatever he puts his mind do. So I'm not the social joker who can always make friends like Lowell. So I'm not the carefree guy who lives his life to the full like Tom. But I like where I am and what I can do. So I guess it's just a balancing act of "keep on going" and pushing myself bit by bit. I think I'm happy.

Oh wait, one thing. Before I forget.

Here goes...

"Rachel, will you go out with me?"