a sentinent tiger with shark teeth and giant raptor wings VS A spambot who has successfully convinced Birkal that it is a new user in need of help.
It was a calm day like any other on the banks of the Euphrates. Well, other than the shark fin poking conspicuously out of the river. The silence is broken by a spambot beaming out of the internet, making a crackling noise not unlike a cat chewing on a Ziploc baggie of weed he happened to find under your bed.
“My husband wants me to use it. My husband is a psychopath. He bought a suit. I do not want, I feel ashamed. How can I do?,” the spambot slurred, whirring and buzzing like a fizzing whizbee. After a brief moment of silence, the spambot shrieked in a voice so monotonal it would make autists jealous, “why no respond ?”
Several thousand miles away, Birkal typed a response to placate his newfound companion.
As it turned out, spambots are not very durable, and the tigersharkhawk could sense weakness with his super electrosenses and excellent vision. With a swooshing song, the mythical, mystical creature elegantly rips the spambot’s head off in a single bite.
Several thousand miles away, Birkal shed a single tear onto the wooden keyboard he built at camp that morning.
But today is not for Birkals or others of his ilk. Today belongs to the hunter.
morgan freeman armed with a toaster that shoots laser beams VS Earthworm's massive pecs
He is the one.
No amount of pectoral power could possibly surpass the peerless potential of Morgan Freeman, plus I like lasers more than nips.
a tyrannosaurus rex with long arms carrying a shotgun VS an extremely attractive girl who can't remember whether she's 17 or 18
It is a calm, balmy summer day sometime in the mid-Cretaceous period. Among its cousins, the Tyrannosaurus Rex, the newly-evolved and evidently superior Tyrannosaurus Deus struts proudly, showing off its opposable digits when, quite to its and the other dinosaurs’ surprise, it encounters a young, attractive teenaged girl. Overage or underage seems irrelevant when it comes to giant reptiles, though.
The Tyrannosaurus fires off three rounds from its pump-action shotgun as quickly as it can, blasting holes in the ground. However, the Tyrannosaurus soon learns it cannot aim properly with a shotgun because its head is way too big. The girl escapes into the woods and, many years later, returns with a pterodactyl legion and rains fiery hell down on the herd of Tyrannosaurus.
the unshaven leg of a sickly european lady VS an army of rampaging RODANs
bonus round later...