a sentinent tiger with shark teeth and giant raptor wings VS A spambot who has successfully convinced Birkal that it is a new user in need of help.
It was a calm day like any other on the banks of the Euphrates. Well, other than the shark fin poking conspicuously out of the river. The silence is broken by a spambot beaming out of the internet, making a crackling noise not unlike a cat chewing on a Ziploc baggie of weed he happened to find under your bed.
“My husband wants me to use it. My husband is a psychopath. He bought a suit. I do not want, I feel ashamed. How can I do?,” the spambot slurred, whirring and buzzing like a fizzing whizbee. After a brief moment of silence, the spambot shrieked in a voice so monotonal it would make autists jealous, “why no respond ?”
Several thousand miles away, Birkal typed a response to placate his newfound companion.
As it turned out, spambots are not very durable, and the tigersharkhawk could sense weakness with his super electrosenses and excellent vision. With a swooshing song, the mythical, mystical creature elegantly rips the spambot’s head off in a single bite.
Several thousand miles away, Birkal shed a single tear onto the wooden keyboard he built at camp that morning.
But today is not for Birkals or others of his ilk. Today belongs to the hunter.
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morgan freeman armed with a toaster that shoots laser beams VS Earthworm's massive pecs
He is the one.
No amount of pectoral power could possibly surpass the peerless potential of Morgan Freeman, plus I like lasers more than nips.
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a tyrannosaurus rex with long arms carrying a shotgun VS an extremely attractive girl who can't remember whether she's 17 or 18
It is a calm, balmy summer day sometime in the mid-Cretaceous period. Among its cousins, the Tyrannosaurus Rex, the newly-evolved and evidently superior Tyrannosaurus Deus struts proudly, showing off its opposable digits when, quite to its and the other dinosaurs’ surprise, it encounters a young, attractive teenaged girl. Overage or underage seems irrelevant when it comes to giant reptiles, though.
The Tyrannosaurus fires off three rounds from its pump-action shotgun as quickly as it can, blasting holes in the ground. However, the Tyrannosaurus soon learns it cannot aim properly with a shotgun because its head is way too big. The girl escapes into the woods and, many years later, returns with a pterodactyl legion and rains fiery hell down on the herd of Tyrannosaurus.
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the unshaven leg of a sickly european lady VS an army of rampaging RODANs
bonus round later...