Smogon Community - View Single Post - CAP 4 - Part 14

Quanyails · Nov 12th, 2012, 8:44:49 PM

Hmm. ô.o Well, I'll be more comfortable if I downplay whatever humor I have in my entries.

--

Aurumoth, the Radiant Moth Pokémon

Black: At night, it sways around with its six wings to get a sense of location. Ancient peoples copied this action, mistaking it for a dancing ritual.

White: Its abdomen glows with a blinding light, and for this reason, trainers' Aurumoth are often utilized as beacons or spotlights.

Black 2/White 2: The material in its wings is not unlike dense bread. An Aurumoth with only five wings had given a wing away to feed a famished soul.

--

I've never seen Aurumoth with actual gold wings, if KoA's earlier colors had shown anything. Instead, I played with its connection to its mistaken sacredness and their pragmatic actualities.

If I have to explain further (it's mostly coincidence, anyway), the 'dancing ritual' is refers to its Heart Scale Dance moves, being not normally available, and only unlocked by an external force. I had to cut out the fact that Aurumoth cannot see well, but the light is only useful for and against others. I might cut that last light entry out entirely if it's too Mollux-y. The third entry has 'dense bread' as a subtle religious reference, in case that looks funny (in both terms of the word), and it shows an example of Aurumoth's character.

Comments! Comments for everyone!

...

fryfrey: The 'it's' in the first entry should be 'its', but as an entry in general, it never addresses the reader. Make that third person with 'a trainer' or the like. The White entry sounds a bit... hmm, well, a bit long. I think it could be condensed slightly. For the B2/W2 entry: no comma is needed after 'stop'.
Deck Knight: That's quite a bit of gold dust in those entries. Not that there's no precedent for that, but it does seem strange with the opposing entries. If they complemented each other more, I think it'd be stronger.
UllarWarlord: I like them; they're generically good and expected in terms of how in-depth Game Freak normally makes entries, especially as to the generality of this higher power.
Verminator: The Black entry's first part should be a sentence. I'm fine with the first and third entries, which show its behavior outside of battle, but the second just feels like it's there to explain No Guard. I'm not sure how to edit that entry for anything else, though.
RabidChipmunk: No comma before 'or' in the Black entry. I like the White entry for the diversity in various Aurumoths' behavior. The B2/W2 entry is nice, portraying Aurumoth's influence on people, especially on a superstitious subject such as alchemy (which should be lowercased).
Korski: I'm a fan of those entries that describe brittle golden shells, as that's both flavorful and Weak Armor-esque (and the fact that gold is soft in general). I'm not sure if the B2/W2 entry needs the 'For some reason', as it just lengthens it. The White entry is generally good. :P
Professor Shroomish: I like White's entry for its simplicity but distinctiveness, definitely. The B2/W2 entry is lightly humorous while still being very much in-character. The Black one, well, I can live with it. Not spectacular, but not bad.
GRs Cousin: Well, it does fit a rather legendary status, which would get confusing if we get pre-evolutions. If we don't, it just reenforces its character--that's a good thing. The B2/W2 entries do feel detached, as the fire connection is not immediately obvious, but the first two entries are great!
Eagle4: Well, I've done that. As for your entries, I like the first two showing gold and natural behavior without making it blatant. Just make sure to lowercase the pokemon names in the B2/W2 one. Speaking of, that one is rather curious, as what reason is there for scientists to look at their thoraxes?
Mdevil: Ah, the White entry is quite the in-universe allusion, eh? I like it and the horrendous aftermath is implies. I've thought about some sort of incantation/chorus toward Arceus as an entry, so I'm glad to see that one being put to use! I'm not sure what are 'the disappearances' mentioned in the Black entry; were they guardians of some sort? The information's pretty vague for that one.
Espeon65: I don't know about the species name, considering it's not a completely illusive pokemon. I'm not fond of your Black entry, since the first is a bit explicit of death (Never Say Die, as the trope goes). The White entry's first part is good, but the second feels a bit like an addition, an example. If it was habitual, it would be more of an entry; integrate that a bit, perhaps. The 'and usually escape from or hurt' section sounds a bit odd in sentence format. How about 'it will never listen to its trainer and instead, escape and hurt him' (well, there's a him/her awkwardness usually not in pokedex entries, then)?
KoA: 'Judgment' is the spelling given in Pokemon, so that should be consistent. The Black entry works well, as I like the brittle gold entries. The White entry's two sentences are a bit disconnected, but hey, a lot of pokedex entries are. B2/W2's entry is a nice remix of the previous ones, and quite fitting.
gamer40000: 'Glorified Moth' is one character too long as a species name, unfortunately. You could trim it to 'Glory Moth' if you want. v.v The Black one has nice wordplay with 'shine' as the literal definition and the figurative. It does provide reasoning for the Dance moves it has. The White one also gives nice mythology. The B2/W2 one is a lovely allusion to No Guard and humor from its weakness to rock (attack)s. Perhaps just trim the 'now' in that one.
SubwayJ: I would be more favorable toward the B2/W2 entry if Mollux didn't share similar entries during the submission phase. Pity, isn't it, that we have two shining CAPs in a row? As for the other entries; Black's is fine and morbidly humorous, which I'll accept, but White does seem at odds (maybe) if Aurumoth gains pre-evolutions and what would constitute as 'young'.
Rediamond: Ah, I like the History Channel one, but to dampen the humor slightly, generalize it rather than specifying the specific channel. Black's entry seems very... familiar.
Bull of Heaven: I like them in general; they're strong, compliment each other, and subtly reveals its abilities without being too harsh.
Jebus McAzn: Ah, Sawsbuck antlers--how impetuous! I do like the tone you've made with your entries, being just plausible enough instead of steeping into jokes. One comment I'll say is that the Black entry is a teensy bit long, so a small trim of that should work.
Scoopapa: They're generically good, and are definitely fine. :)
WebsterVanCooney: So in the White entry, Aurumoths always glow at night? o3o Just curious, not critical. I do like the 'moth pit'/'mosh pit' pun there; first I've seen, and a workable explanation for it!
nyttyn: Short but sweet, as the phrase goes. The comma is not needed in the White entry, and the B2/W2 entry should be a full sentence rather than a news blurb. Otherwise, nice parallel between past, present, and maybe future.
capefeather: Aw, Ideals vs Truth could've worked, but if it's partially religious, sure. It's not unheard of for pokedex entries to have vague references to other works (I think). But explicitly mentioning the word 'religious' doesn't have application in the pokemon world. Superstitious, maybe?
Adams: A little longer, a little more explicit.
jagged_angel: Yay, more brittle gold wing entries! I like them in general! White one's neat with wish-granting and Wish and Healing Wish, without being explicit. B2/W2's is good overall. Great!
Yilx: Allcaps aren't required in 5th gen. I see that subtle reference to YOUR MEME there. It works nicely--impressive. The second references the Bible or its natural production of honey. Either and both work. Not sure what the B2/W2 one has as a subtle reference; if there is one, I'm not seeing it. Either way, these references don't detract from Aurumoth's behavior, so it's two thumbs up from me.
Shelmet: [skip]
RavensNation: Hmm. Very interesting word choice for species name. I don't see Aurumoth's abdomen as a stinger, per se, but everything else sounds fine. If you read my previous comments, you'll see that I like the entries that mention that their golden wings break. Overall, they're solid entries.
LouisCyphre: For the Black entry, aren't their wings already removed from the body? The White entry sounds neat, but only if it is put together as a single sentence. B2/W2's is good legendary connection, in both terms of the word.
iamdanielcruces: I'll apply Bellisario's Maxim to the first entry, while figuring that the other two are okay, and only okay.
Glacier Knight: Gah, your species name is too long! D: Gold Guardian or Golden Guard work. The Black entry is a bit morbid, but not out of Pokemon's expectations. White's entry reminds me of Sigilyph's; not bad, but a curious connection. B2/W2's is cute! :D
CiteAndPrune: Heh, I like the direction you're taking with this pokemon. Definitely unique, being a playful and humorous (ahem, BMB) (pseudo-)legendary rather than the mythical, devout one. I'll definitely vote for these entries if yours get in.
Zee-V70: I love the depth in your entries, referencing its abilities only slightly while providing a vibrant image of Aurumoth in nature. As for the species name, hmm... I don't see Sulfur evident in the entries, while Shining is shown more so.
SpecsX: The Black entry is very Mollux-like. D: Otherwise, the B2/W2 entry is neat, and the White one is fine.
phoopes: Ah, so Aurumoths are used to cheat during sporting events? I do wonder why? In the B2/W2 entry, make sure to lowercase 'god' or use the word 'deity' or a synonym. An uppercase God draws Christian references, which probably wouldn't stick in pokemon. The Black entry is neat, but it does make me wonder why it doesn't get Pay Day--that's not to say pokedex entries and moves have to match! It's a good variant on the gold wings' value often mentioned by others.
paintseagull: Ah, luciferous, eh? Judgmental would be the spelling consistent with the in-game Judgment attack. Nice wordplay on the holy and the unholy, which may appease BMB. ;)
Shadowhand: You're not deciding on height and weight, first of all, so don't worry about that. The entries are pretty darn long for pokedex ones. There's a maximum of three sentences, and those are short ones at that! You have long ones that consist of multiple sentences each! Try cutting the entries to half their lengths.
Birkal: How do they ominously float through forest? o3o Is there precedent for the pokedex using those words to bring a tone to the pokemon in other entries (if they're not ghastly, of course)? The other two (White and B2/W2) entries are strong, though, so they're fine for the next poll.
Nyktos: Nice parallels in the Black and White entries, which is further reenforced with the B2/W2 one. I don't find the abilities forced at all, but instead, they add to its character.
Meganium Sulfate: Good, although the previous entries on it had made me expect these sorts of entries. That's not bad. :)

Nov 12th, 2012, 8:44:49 PM	#68
Quanyails Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 354	Hmm. ô.o Well, I'll be more comfortable if I downplay whatever humor I have in my entries. -- Aurumoth, the Radiant Moth Pokémon Black: At night, it sways around with its six wings to get a sense of location. Ancient peoples copied this action, mistaking it for a dancing ritual. White: Its abdomen glows with a blinding light, and for this reason, trainers' Aurumoth are often utilized as beacons or spotlights. Black 2/White 2: The material in its wings is not unlike dense bread. An Aurumoth with only five wings had given a wing away to feed a famished soul. -- I've never seen Aurumoth with actual gold wings, if KoA's earlier colors had shown anything. Instead, I played with its connection to its mistaken sacredness and their pragmatic actualities. If I have to explain further (it's mostly coincidence, anyway), the 'dancing ritual' is refers to its Heart Scale Dance moves, being not normally available, and only unlocked by an external force. I had to cut out the fact that Aurumoth cannot see well, but the light is only useful for and against others. I might cut that last light entry out entirely if it's too Mollux-y. The third entry has 'dense bread' as a subtle religious reference, in case that looks funny (in both terms of the word), and it shows an example of Aurumoth's character. Comments! Comments for everyone! ... fryfrey: The 'it's' in the first entry should be 'its', but as an entry in general, it never addresses the reader. Make that third person with 'a trainer' or the like. The White entry sounds a bit... hmm, well, a bit long. I think it could be condensed slightly. For the B2/W2 entry: no comma is needed after 'stop'. Deck Knight: That's quite a bit of gold dust in those entries. Not that there's no precedent for that, but it does seem strange with the opposing entries. If they complemented each other more, I think it'd be stronger. UllarWarlord: I like them; they're generically good and expected in terms of how in-depth Game Freak normally makes entries, especially as to the generality of this higher power. Verminator: The Black entry's first part should be a sentence. I'm fine with the first and third entries, which show its behavior outside of battle, but the second just feels like it's there to explain No Guard. I'm not sure how to edit that entry for anything else, though. RabidChipmunk: No comma before 'or' in the Black entry. I like the White entry for the diversity in various Aurumoths' behavior. The B2/W2 entry is nice, portraying Aurumoth's influence on people, especially on a superstitious subject such as alchemy (which should be lowercased). Korski: I'm a fan of those entries that describe brittle golden shells, as that's both flavorful and Weak Armor-esque (and the fact that gold is soft in general). I'm not sure if the B2/W2 entry needs the 'For some reason', as it just lengthens it. The White entry is generally good. :P Professor Shroomish: I like White's entry for its simplicity but distinctiveness, definitely. The B2/W2 entry is lightly humorous while still being very much in-character. The Black one, well, I can live with it. Not spectacular, but not bad. GRs Cousin: Well, it does fit a rather legendary status, which would get confusing if we get pre-evolutions. If we don't, it just reenforces its character--that's a good thing. The B2/W2 entries do feel detached, as the fire connection is not immediately obvious, but the first two entries are great! Eagle4: Well, I've done that. As for your entries, I like the first two showing gold and natural behavior without making it blatant. Just make sure to lowercase the pokemon names in the B2/W2 one. Speaking of, that one is rather curious, as what reason is there for scientists to look at their thoraxes? Mdevil: Ah, the White entry is quite the in-universe allusion, eh? I like it and the horrendous aftermath is implies. I've thought about some sort of incantation/chorus toward Arceus as an entry, so I'm glad to see that one being put to use! I'm not sure what are 'the disappearances' mentioned in the Black entry; were they guardians of some sort? The information's pretty vague for that one. Espeon65: I don't know about the species name, considering it's not a completely illusive pokemon. I'm not fond of your Black entry, since the first is a bit explicit of death (Never Say Die, as the trope goes). The White entry's first part is good, but the second feels a bit like an addition, an example. If it was habitual, it would be more of an entry; integrate that a bit, perhaps. The 'and usually escape from or hurt' section sounds a bit odd in sentence format. How about 'it will never listen to its trainer and instead, escape and hurt him' (well, there's a him/her awkwardness usually not in pokedex entries, then)? KoA: 'Judgment' is the spelling given in Pokemon, so that should be consistent. The Black entry works well, as I like the brittle gold entries. The White entry's two sentences are a bit disconnected, but hey, a lot of pokedex entries are. B2/W2's entry is a nice remix of the previous ones, and quite fitting. gamer40000: 'Glorified Moth' is one character too long as a species name, unfortunately. You could trim it to 'Glory Moth' if you want. v.v The Black one has nice wordplay with 'shine' as the literal definition and the figurative. It does provide reasoning for the Dance moves it has. The White one also gives nice mythology. The B2/W2 one is a lovely allusion to No Guard and humor from its weakness to rock (attack)s. Perhaps just trim the 'now' in that one. SubwayJ: I would be more favorable toward the B2/W2 entry if Mollux didn't share similar entries during the submission phase. Pity, isn't it, that we have two shining CAPs in a row? As for the other entries; Black's is fine and morbidly humorous, which I'll accept, but White does seem at odds (maybe) if Aurumoth gains pre-evolutions and what would constitute as 'young'. Rediamond: Ah, I like the History Channel one, but to dampen the humor slightly, generalize it rather than specifying the specific channel. Black's entry seems very... familiar. Bull of Heaven: I like them in general; they're strong, compliment each other, and subtly reveals its abilities without being too harsh. Jebus McAzn: Ah, Sawsbuck antlers--how impetuous! I do like the tone you've made with your entries, being just plausible enough instead of steeping into jokes. One comment I'll say is that the Black entry is a teensy bit long, so a small trim of that should work. Scoopapa: They're generically good, and are definitely fine. :) WebsterVanCooney: So in the White entry, Aurumoths always glow at night? o3o Just curious, not critical. I do like the 'moth pit'/'mosh pit' pun there; first I've seen, and a workable explanation for it! nyttyn: Short but sweet, as the phrase goes. The comma is not needed in the White entry, and the B2/W2 entry should be a full sentence rather than a news blurb. Otherwise, nice parallel between past, present, and maybe future. capefeather: Aw, Ideals vs Truth could've worked, but if it's partially religious, sure. It's not unheard of for pokedex entries to have vague references to other works (I think). But explicitly mentioning the word 'religious' doesn't have application in the pokemon world. Superstitious, maybe? Adams: A little longer, a little more explicit. jagged_angel: Yay, more brittle gold wing entries! I like them in general! White one's neat with wish-granting and Wish and Healing Wish, without being explicit. B2/W2's is good overall. Great! Yilx: Allcaps aren't required in 5th gen. I see that subtle reference to YOUR MEME there. It works nicely--impressive. The second references the Bible or its natural production of honey. Either and both work. Not sure what the B2/W2 one has as a subtle reference; if there is one, I'm not seeing it. Either way, these references don't detract from Aurumoth's behavior, so it's two thumbs up from me. Shelmet: [skip] RavensNation: Hmm. Very interesting word choice for species name. I don't see Aurumoth's abdomen as a stinger, per se, but everything else sounds fine. If you read my previous comments, you'll see that I like the entries that mention that their golden wings break. Overall, they're solid entries. LouisCyphre: For the Black entry, aren't their wings already removed from the body? The White entry sounds neat, but only if it is put together as a single sentence. B2/W2's is good legendary connection, in both terms of the word. iamdanielcruces: I'll apply Bellisario's Maxim to the first entry, while figuring that the other two are okay, and only okay. Glacier Knight: Gah, your species name is too long! D: Gold Guardian or Golden Guard work. The Black entry is a bit morbid, but not out of Pokemon's expectations. White's entry reminds me of Sigilyph's; not bad, but a curious connection. B2/W2's is cute! :D CiteAndPrune: Heh, I like the direction you're taking with this pokemon. Definitely unique, being a playful and humorous (ahem, BMB) (pseudo-)legendary rather than the mythical, devout one. I'll definitely vote for these entries if yours get in. Zee-V70: I love the depth in your entries, referencing its abilities only slightly while providing a vibrant image of Aurumoth in nature. As for the species name, hmm... I don't see Sulfur evident in the entries, while Shining is shown more so. SpecsX: The Black entry is very Mollux-like. D: Otherwise, the B2/W2 entry is neat, and the White one is fine. phoopes: Ah, so Aurumoths are used to cheat during sporting events? I do wonder why? In the B2/W2 entry, make sure to lowercase 'god' or use the word 'deity' or a synonym. An uppercase God draws Christian references, which probably wouldn't stick in pokemon. The Black entry is neat, but it does make me wonder why it doesn't get Pay Day--that's not to say pokedex entries and moves have to match! It's a good variant on the gold wings' value often mentioned by others. paintseagull: Ah, luciferous, eh? Judgmental would be the spelling consistent with the in-game Judgment attack. Nice wordplay on the holy and the unholy, which may appease BMB. ;) Shadowhand: You're not deciding on height and weight, first of all, so don't worry about that. The entries are pretty darn long for pokedex ones. There's a maximum of three sentences, and those are short ones at that! You have long ones that consist of multiple sentences each! Try cutting the entries to half their lengths. Birkal: How do they ominously float through forest? o3o Is there precedent for the pokedex using those words to bring a tone to the pokemon in other entries (if they're not ghastly, of course)? The other two (White and B2/W2) entries are strong, though, so they're fine for the next poll. Nyktos: Nice parallels in the Black and White entries, which is further reenforced with the B2/W2 one. I don't find the abilities forced at all, but instead, they add to its character. Meganium Sulfate: Good, although the previous entries on it had made me expect these sorts of entries. That's not bad. :) __________________ . Last edited by Quanyails; Nov 12th, 2012 at 8:58:21 PM.