Breaking News: A False Evan

[evan]

Dear Smogonauts, it is with great regret that I must bring an issue of extreme treachery and perversity to your attention tonight. Indeed, it should have been my responsibility to come to you sooner with this information, but it was necessary to keep this out of the public eye for a time so that Eliot Spitzer's prostitution ring (which may be connected) could be given its adequate time in the national spotlight. But now, I must come to you with the most disgusting and shocking of information that has come to my attention.

Expert Evan is not an evan.

For years and years he has been living a lie and has fooled the entireity of the Smogon public. Even the great administrators Aeolus, Misty, Jumpman16, and even chaos have been fooled by this evil man who, it seems, exists solely to lie and hoodwink the good, upstanding, salt-of-the-earth people of Smogon into believing that he is something he is not.

I take no pleasure in revealing to you that his name is not Evan at all, but instead, it is Jeff. That's right. Jeff.

But why would he lie? In any good report, one must take into account motivation, and, in this case, it is clear. For one, the name Evan brings with it the delightful pseudo-alliterative turn completed by including the word "Expert" in his handle, whether or not he is truly an "expert" should now also be called into question; further, the name Evan translates roughly to "young warrior." The power behind this is obvious. Barack Obama's recent popularity can be attributed, in part, to his youth, so a clearly aging "Expert Evan" (his profile lists him has 46 years old) can use the name of Evan to seem "more hip" and "with it" to the notoriously young Smogon population. The second half, the "warrior," implies that he will fight for you, the common Smogonaut, in any battle. This is false.

The most compelling reason for Jeff to switch names is simply to avoid the stigma that is associated with the name of "Jeff." Did you know, that even Jeffs (or Jeffreys or Jefferys or Geoffreys or Jefreys of Godfreys) cannot agree on a common spelling? It is true. The name "Jeff" recalls a confusion and desperateness that is unbefitting of a leader. Perhaps most damning, however, is the full meaning of his name. Jeffrey translates roughly into "God's Peace." Sound familiar? That is because you have heard this phrase in other news outlets, though not as "Jeffrey." Instead, you hear "jihad." Yes, "Expert Evan" endorses the holy war that created the attacks on the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001 and the increased hostility on United States forces in Iraq through his very name.

These are harsh accusations, I know, and I am sure you will require some evidence as to the verity of my statements. For this I direct you to this contribution given to me by field reporter Obi.

Please note that the contents of the coming log may be considered shocking and offensive to some viewers. If you are disquieted easily, please turn away. I will understand.

This log has not been modified from its original form.

[00:59:14] <Obi> ExpertEvan is ~EE@ool-45788e07.dyn.optonline.net * Jeff
[00:59:16] <Obi> Jeff

Yes. Undisputable truth of "Expert Evan"'s true name.

What should be done about this? For one, Jeff should be stripped of his mod powers. That he was able to deceive the powers that be should not go un punished. Understandably, there will be a power vacuum with the demise of one of Smogon's illustrious moderators. I have planned for this.

That the administrators chose to moderate someone named "Expert Evan" is telling. Indeed, they were banking on the "young warrior" aspect of the name "Evan" to help carry out the will of Smogon. To that end, I offer myself, the only true Evan of Smogon as proven by field reporter Obi in this log:

[00:59:31] <Obi> evan is ~TheBM@indie.as.sin * Evan
[00:59:33] <Obi> Evan

Smogonauts of the Firebot Development Lab! It is time to rise up and take action against this impostor! Replace JEFF with a true EVAN. I am an Evan for the people and the only one who will not lie to you.

Thank you and good night.

[Max.AU]

Ahaha wow epic. in before mob

[Shiv]

In support for my dear friend and colleague, evan (the real one), I would also like to point out a cjeff to you guys. zeroality was a jeff. This shows us what path Expert Jeff could end up taking in the near future.

I would request all Smogonauts to be wary of him.

Thank you.

[EconBiscuit]

Huzzah the true Evan will rise again!.

In other words, greatest thread i've witnessed firsthand

[Jolt99]

My GOD! How the hell could he do this to us???? He's a monster! Deceiving us all like that, it-its, its... it's fucking WRONG!

I feel completely violated... I don't know which Evans to trust anymore...

If it weren't for people like you TheBM, these people would go by unchecked, pulling the wool over our eyes with no sanction whatsoever...

God bless you sir.

[CaptKirby]

Here is how to tell which evan is the real evan: he has 35000 posts on IGN %_%

[keloggsequent]

bitch

[Steelicks]

when is the REAL evan (Expert Evan) ganna post in this thread?

[Mario With Lasers]

I knew Expert Evan wasn't a good person since his first appearance because he always 3-0s me in the Battle Factory.

[Expert Evan]

I don't understand what's the big deal and fuss about this.

In case you don't know, the name "Expert Evan" comes from an older trainer in Battle Frontier, and not from an existing Smogonite named "Evan".

I have gone by this name on another forum since July, 2005 which was shortly after Emerald came out anyways.

It's just like me being known as "George Washington" or "Abraham Lincoln". What's the big deal?

[Jolt99]

OMG THERE HE IS!!

KILL HIM! KILL HIM WITH FIRE!!!


(a.k.a. I think this is a joke thread ;)

[Expert Evan]

<+evan> curses
<+evan> my arch nemesis

evan, every battle has a smell...

[StrangerDanger]

wait what the hell
expert evan's a mod!?

[Jumpman16**]

he's an expert what do you expect

[DM]

Originally Posted by Fat TheBM

But why would he lie?

Psssh, the answer is simple. Have you ever tried to alliterate a good handle with Jeff?

Jerk Jeff
Jamboree Jeff
Jumpman Jeff
Jewhater Jeff

Doesn't quite work, does it? Regardless, hang on a sec while I go find my torch and pitchfork...

[akuchi]

actually DM I think he could've named himself Jazzy Jeff and saved poor evan the trauma :(

[jc_rcw]

Jesus Jeff

???????????????????

[Pulse]

@Jeff: Methinks TheBM was joking.

I'd laugh if I didn't already know. =\


EDIT: Beaten... @.<

[Expert Evan]

The log from watching a shoddy match was even more hysterical. Wish I saved it to post here if I knew it would lead to this.

[X-Act]

X-Pert X-Act

[Mekkah**]

I, too, was fooled by this trickery pulled by "Expert Jeff". I am, with no question, giving support to your motion. It should also be noted that I, Mekkah, found reading your report quite pleasurable.

[DeLorean]

Originally Posted by Fat Jumpman16

he's an expert what do you expect

I expect him to live up to his birthright, his name. I expect him to be true to the internet, and be proud of who he is.

I expect him not to lie.

this is no mod. it's... it's... a phonie. A big fat phonie.

[Firestorm]

Petition to change his name to Expert Jeff.

[Carl]

i don't mind

my name's not carl

[GTS]

DOWN WITH EXPERT JEFF!!