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A special presentation: cookie travels to the other side

Discussion in 'Smogon's Greatest Hits' started by cookie, Jul 11, 2009.

  1. cookie

    cookie Adominnustrata
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    last week my local weight watchers club had a record number of attendees and the high concentration of mass in one place ripped a hole in the fabric of spacetime to match the ones already there in the fabric of their trousers. when they say fast food is bad for your health, they weren't fucking kidding. anyway i digress, i was unfortunate to be walking past at the time (on my way to subway for a sandwich, if you must know) and got sucked in like akuchi into an abortion debate or ck into, well, a debate.

    i must've banged my head pretty hard on the way through or when i fell because i don't remember much until i woke up outside the same building, so i really don't know what happened. did i die and i'm in Hell? is there some guy inserting pineapples into an austrian anti-semite's anus just around the corner? or am i just concussed and the whole wormhole thing just a figment of my imagination? i dusted myself off and wiped the blood off the side of my face to see that i was in fact outside a clinic for anorexics and bulimics. maybe i'm just hallucinating and my subconscious is just being ironic to keep me entertained while it attempts to replicate scarlett johansson wearing nothing but a pair of contact lenses. regardless of my current mental state i realise i'm still pretty hungry so i continue on my original course to get some subway. okay, it's the right-named shop in the right place just next to the mcdonalds that i never eat from because i don't enjoy spending 5 minutes in an awkward silence deciding on what to get because i've never been there to know what they sell (now THERE'S a catch-22 situation). i can confirm that i'm not hallucinating any more at least, scarlett would've been here by now. anyway, i order a turkey club sandwich and yeah yeah tell em what i want in it while they administer annoyingly precise amounts of each filling. and then i saw it.

    the cheese slices.

    the monkey is tessellating them.

    either the guy finally engaged his sorry excuse for a brain (triangles FIT together! pretty pattern! oog clever!), he saw this comic or something strange is going on. baffled, i take my sandwich, pay and go home. on my way back i noticed that cars are driving on the right-hand side of the road, which is cool since when you go on holiday you don't have to get used to driving on the other side which is pretty annoying. i always took this for granted but now, puzzled by this change, i decide to use google to find out more. apparently, people rode on the left until some time during late 1300's, when 'riding on the left' was a euphemism for bumming men. the monarch at the time, Richard III, deemed this unacceptable and immediately ordered the restructuring of the country's road system. of course it either didn't occur to him that it would've been simpler to simply outlaw the use of the phrase in such a manner or he was secretly gay with the king of france and was paranoid that by not making everyone drive on the right that this implies he is in fact a homosexual (evidence adding further weight to this theory: richard III had no children).

    so far in this parallel universe we have superior subways and driving abroad is a hell of a lot easier. among other things, mark hamill had a successful acting career post-star wars after signing this form and there was no world war II, when germany attacked france hitler's army was defeated in two weeks, and in the peace treaty they ceded poland to france. the downsides of this are that now england is dealing with a massive influx of frenchmen looking for work and there are 6 million more jews running around. swings and roundabouts, i guess.

    (for those who are wondering, 'my' family's on holiday so mercifully the house is empty so there shouldn't be any awkward encounters and my key works since it's the same house apart from the different people living in it)

    enough of google, time to browse smogon and see what's new.
    [​IMG]
    that's new

    hmm, so the internet's foremost authority on competitive battling adopted the poison puffball's twin as its mascot. a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, i guess. but wait, what's this:
    [​IMG]
    WHAT
    this has got to be connected to the fact that my music library is full of r'n'b and grime and that tupac posters staring at me right now in as i lie in bed with my laptop. but wait, there's more: i find that my doppelganger made an april fools thread with a photo of his face caked in chalk while some redhead witters on about reticent pores. it turns out that user 'cracker' once went by the username of Cracker Crispz, and apart from that, his music taste and increased tendency to get stopped by police he's pretty much the same guy as me. indeed, the house seems pretty similar and all the photo albums were in the converted loft upstairs, so i go to browse through them to see what my african family looks like. my mother is the same woman, she just married a black guy. but not just any old black guy, not even an M&S black guy. ohhh no...

    His name is George.

    GEORGE-FUCKING-AGDGDGWNGO

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    this is him at a recent wedding, dressed in traditional Ugandan clothes, with a phone as usual (i bet his phone bills are huge).
    well, i am speechless. being in a parallel universe i can quite easily swallow, i daydream about that shit all the time. but this? i bet this whole house was bought with money swindled from unsuspecting ebay customers.

    After finally coming to terms with this astronomical coincidence, I thought I'd check the album thread to see if anyone else has gone a transdimensional skin re-colouring, but it seems that everyone else looks roughly the same. yep...akuchi's still using a palette to dye her hair...hazerider pictures...thunda giving subtle hints that he has a vagina...gannondorf giving subtle hints that she doesn't...more hazerider pictur- hmm, something is amiss here. and WHY on earth is he smiling in most of them? i tried copying them onto a pen drive to give you guys to think of when you're at a funeral and against your will your mind's latched onto the funniest thing ever (like this) and you're trying your best not to laugh, but as i'll explain later that didn't quite work out so well. see, there's a little something you don't know about Pedro Diaz: he was born with no serotonin receptors in his brain, which meant that he never found pleasure in anything. there is just anger. and sadness, but mostly anger. His twin, by contrast, was born with too many receptors, which turns a normal person into something like this. unfortunately, bash wasn't spared in this universe either. Doomsday, infuriated by Hazerider's annoyingly optimistic outlook on life and utter refusal to let anything get to him, tried wiping that stupid grin on his face by deleting the whole bash database.

    I go onto IRC (that's where the real action happens, folks), join #sleima and whatever only to be greeted by MrE (it's not what you think) discussing the US economy or something with Vincent (Vineon got a boner after the new grass-type eevee evolution was named after him). CaptKirby is in the chat as well, but as usual he's just ranting on about something someone said even though nobody gives a shit really. there is one difference though, this version of him is born-again christian, converting about a week after he renounced christianity. What happened was that he was really hungry one night with no food around the house and he was feeling nostalgic so he decided to have a bowlful of sugar 'for old times' sake'. yeah well, shortly afterwards he collapsed, fell into a hyperglycaemic coma and almost died, only staying away from the light because he just had to argue with the voice telling him to move towards it. Upon waking up, he saw this as a sign from God that he has strayed from the path to salvation, rather than a sign that eating sugar is a really stupid thing to do unless you're an ant or have a pancreas the size of a watermelon.

    In other news, Deck Knight got arrested trying to abort akuchi's fetus because he was sick of her shitting up every irc chat with how it was her fault for getting raped in the first place, though what's more disturbing is a thread in inside scoop for a whip-round to pay for his return ticket to england (he had to find his own coathanger though). Jumpman16 currently resides in rehab after turning to heroin to fill the void when Nintendo announced that they were going to end the Pokemon franchise after Diamond/Pearl; rumour has it that the game designers realised Pokemon was getting a bit ridiculous now and decided to quit before they really fucked the metagame up. Not everyone took the news as jovially as Jumpman did, though: DoomMullet committed suicide the very night after hearing the news, faced with the prospect of no new Pokemon games to pass the time while he's not playing out the stereotypical grumpy internet veteran.

    Nobody has heard much of Jumpluff lately, though, since she met up with Earthworm and he gave her a tour of his house which curiously ended with the basement. She periodically comes on irc to tell everyone that she's safe and to not call the police, so obviously she is fine. Sonuis is doing time for smuggling cocaine, after fm grassed him up to the police (egged on by aamto, I should mention). I guess Sonuis's arsehole will be stuffed full of other things now. Not everyone in the community is doing badly though: pookar is running for the US olympic team in 2012 and Articuno64's running a successful tanning salon business. Oh, and m0nkfish fell into a well and was forced to answer people's questions in return for food/water until his heart finally gave out a week later from the sheer irony of his predicament.

    With no way of knowing when my evil twin returns from holiday I figured I should probably leave soon. I returned to the anorexia clinic to go back through the rift, but in my time away it had closed. Fuck. I could open another hole in space-time, but where would I find a bunch of fat people? There's been an annual cull of fat people since 1998, solving the country's obesity problems and oil shortages in one fell swoop. You'd think that after the first time people would try to lose weight and live, it's as if Eddie Izzard offered both cake and death at the same time and the fat bastards took both. ANYWAY, long story short I jimmied the rift open again with a 4-dimensional crowbar that I bought off Amazon.com, and when i got back i phoned the council and told them to patch the hole up with gaffer tape or neutronium matter or something and the fatties to make lifestyle changes as opposed to following some diet only to go back to old habits and being all 'BUT WHY AM I FAT AGAIN' so they'll stop attending weight watchers and prevent any re-occurrences.

    I took a whole load of pictures and stuff but when I crossed the rift my pictures of happy Hazerider reverted to images of the personification of a Primeape, and likewise for everything else. Funny thing was, on the other side I noticed I had several pdfs treatises on the nature of evolution where my thunda quotes were (and all the punctuation miraculously disappeared from fishy's chat logs). I don't know why the screenshots were unaffected, maybe it like how an orange rots but a photograph of an orange doesn't, dunno.
  2. moot

    moot

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    you are

    a god
  3. Hans

    Hans

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    like my mind is blown


    i dont even know


    ndurrrrr
    [​IMG][​IMG]
  4. Polis4rule

    Polis4rule

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    Holy shit, that was fucking amazing. Simply stunning.

    Would read again.
  5. Raverist

    Raverist

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    cookie, you have officially went chocolate chip.

    Fantastic read, definite plug up for Greatest Hits for sure.
  6. Mekkah

    Mekkah
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    So this is why they invented the word "perfect".
  7. darkie

    darkie i didn't choose the mug lyfe
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    i was the first to five-star this beautiful thread.
  8. jrrrrrrr

    jrrrrrrr wubwubwub
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    God damn, next time you go back you HAVE to get me one of those sandwiches
  9. Doomsday

    Doomsday
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    wrong man it was me

    but i didnt post, im sneaky like that HEH
  10. KoA

    KoA The very best...
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    Great read, would 5 star again.
  11. Bad Ass

    Bad Ass hello ruby in the dust
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    rofl ahahahahahaha oh my god im in tears
  12. ungulateman

    ungulateman

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    That cookie's like yo mama used to make.

    It's chocolate chip, with extra epic on top of it.
  13. Polis4rule

    Polis4rule

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    If I may speak out of line, who the fuck didn't give this 5 stars? 4.67 my ass. Should be 5.00
  14. darkie

    darkie i didn't choose the mug lyfe
    is a member of the Site Staffis a Smogon Social Media Contributoris a Smogon IRC AOPis a Super Moderatoris a CAP Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnusis a Battle Server Moderator Alumnus
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    epic is not something you put into cookie batter nor is it anything you put on cookies.
  15. Wishy

    Wishy

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    they really should change the saying 'the grass is greener on the other side' to 'the cookie is blacker on the other side'

    at least it'll make sense!
  16. Calciphoce

    Calciphoce

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    it seems like i shouldnt post here cause it would be some sort of "im not worthy" kinda thing but fuck it this thread is too great
  17. monkfish

    monkfish what are birds?
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    a++++ fantastic firebotter
  18. Shiv

    Shiv mostly harmless
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    <+Shiv> cookie i love you
  19. Staraptor Call

    Staraptor Call

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    Hilarious. Amazing work, cookie!
  20. Deck Knight

    Deck Knight DK! DK! Donkey Kong is here!
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    Best birthday present ever cookie.

    Also, akuchi's fetus was capitalist demon-spawn. You just know a that little bastard was going to be making profits left and right off of date rape kits to make more women feel they have brought suffering upon themselves like their mother did.

    NORTH FOREVER!
  21. billymills

    billymills
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    Is he being serious?

    I can't tell the fucking difference.
  22. Tangerine

    Tangerine Where the Lights Are
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    a rare 5 star worthy thread on firebot

    excellent thread
  23. Elevator Music

    Elevator Music
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  24. ChristovaOnIce

    ChristovaOnIce

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    This is excellent.

    ...You've never been to McDonald's?
  25. Ash Borer

    Ash Borer Throttle Chopper

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    funniest line ever. Good job.

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