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CAP 18 Pre-Evo - Part 8 - Pokedex Submissions

Discussion in 'CAP Pre-Evolution Workshop' started by DHR-107, Jul 8, 2014.

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  1. DHR-107

    DHR-107 Robot from the Future
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    Time to get this finished up! All we have left to go are the sprites and the dex entries! So, I know a lot of you really like this section and I want to see some REALLY good Pokedex entries off people! Here are the dex entries for Volkraken to get you in the mood and maybe give you some inspiration:

    Volkraken, the Hadal Pokémon

    X: It ignites the chemicals it consumes from hydrothermal vents as a means of jet propulsion.

    Y: This Pokémon is highly intelligent. It will quickly learn from and solve even human-engineered puzzles.

    In this thread you may post your entries for critique and eventually submit them for the poll. Please read the following rules before doing so!:

    Legal Pokedex submissions must meet the following standards:
    • Pokedex Entries must have flawless grammar. Smogon has a Grammar & Prose team that will help identify mistakes.
    • Pokedex Entries cannot be longer than 25 words.
    • Pokedex Entries can only contain the following characters:
      • Letters A-Z
      • Numbers 1-9
      • Dash (-)
      • Apostrophe (')
      • Period (.)
      • Comma (,)
      • Colon (:)
      • Semi-colon (;)
      • Space
    Work In Progress (WIP) Pokedex Entries can be posted at any time for comments from the community.

    No more than three WIP Pokedex Entries can be posted by any individual person through the entire course of the submission thread. This limit applies to ALL posts made by a single person, even if previous posts are edited or deleted. This limit is intended to curb the tendency for some submitters to spam the thread repeatedly with multiple Pokedex Entries. This detracts from other submissions and makes it difficult for commenters to survey the submission thread.

    Do not bump your WIP Pokedex Entries by posting them repeatedly, or making minor wording changes. Bumping will result in the disqualification of all Pokedex Entries by the offender. Editing or deleting bump posts will not prevent disqualification.

    Only ONE Final Submission can be made per person.
    Pokedex entries Final Submissions must posted exactly in the following format and in the following exact order:
    • The first line of the post must have the words "Final Submission" in bold on it's own line. No other text may be included before the bold heading.
    • A blank line
    • "<Pokemon Name>, the <Species Name> Pokemon", with the Pokemon name and the Species Name in bold
    • A blank line
    • The X Pokedex Entry submission. Start with the letter "X" in bold, then a colon (:), and then the Pokedex entry.
    • A blank line
    • The Y Pokedex Entry submission. Start with the letter "Y" in bold, then a colon (:), and then the Pokedex entry.
    Below the Final Submission you can post other comments, explanations, etc.

    Example final submission:
    Any Final Submission that does not follow the proper format will be disqualified.
    I am allowing you guys to post final subs from the start, and this thread will be open for about 36 Hours from now.

    Our Prevo so far (in its entirity):

    Name: Volkritter
    Typing: Water/Fire
    Abilities: Anticipation / Infiltrator / Unnerve
    Stats: 60 HP / 30 Atk / 50 Def / 80 SpA / 60 SpD / 70 Spe (BST: 350)
    Movepool:
    CaP 18 Pre-Evo - Part 5 - Move Pool Submissions
    Art:

    [​IMG]
  2. The Avalanches

    The Avalanches Weakness Policy Tynamo

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    Final Submission

    Volkritter
    , the Thermal Pokemon

    X: Although it is small, it can scare predators by emitting flashes of light or giving off large amounts of heat.

    Y: It is highly curious. It always comes up with new strategies for hunting its prey.

    I wanted the entries to contrast in emphasizing Volkritter's intelligence and its imposing prescence.
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2014
    FierceDeity1 likes this.
  3. HyperBeamingEevee

    HyperBeamingEevee

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    Final Submission

    Volkritter
    , the Clumsy Pokemon

    X: On a certain day, Volkritter gather to imitate the sun, which makes the sun's duration seem longer. We call this day the summer solstice.

    Y: Volkritter often overcook their prey. Overcooked fish in streams are a sign that Volkritter inhabit the area.

    I emphasized the fact that small animals often are clumsy in their ways, not having mastered their strategies yet. In the X entry I put the fact that if in a group, their light can become as powerful as the sun, making it seem that the sun is up longer. In the Y entry, I described what I meant by the "clumsy" pokemon, showing that Volkritter know how to cook, but they haven't fully mastered it, leading to it's prey getting overcooked.
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2014
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  4. Quanyails

    Quanyails
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    Volkritter, the Benthic Pokémon

    X: Glowing wisps rising from the deep sea may be this Pokémon curiously observing surface life.

    Y: Volkritter remotely superheats pockets of water to catch and cook its prey. It also warms its territory as a warning to other wild Pokémon.

    'Benthic' as a species name resembles Volkraken's 'Hadal', but with less extremity. X's entry is inspired by Nuclear disaster's X entry, which I adored. C: I originally had Y's entry as one where Volkritter is prey rather than predator, but portraying Volkritter as a predator made the entry's writing smoother. I did have another entry that followed Volkraken's diet more closely, but I suppose people can infer Volkraken doesn't get its nutrients from hydrothermal vents exclusively.
    dwarfstar likes this.
  5. Phione

    Phione

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    Volkritter, the Vent Pokémon.

    X: These Pokémon absorb heat from undersea vents, as they are unable to generate their own.

    Y: Volkritter use their phosphorescent lights to communicate. These Pokemon are very intelligent, working together to take down prey.
  6. Flying Types Rule!

    Flying Types Rule!

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    Final Submission

    Volkritter,
    the Sun Squid Pokémon

    X: Volkritter use sunlight to produce their ink, which can reach up to 200 degrees Fahrenheit.

    Y: This Pokémon easily gets scared. When threatened, it will spray hot ink on its attacker.

    I tried to make this Pokémon like Octillery, for obvious reasons. I think that the "hot ink" is a good representation of its Special Attack, which is its best stat. That's about it.
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2014
  7. Eagle4

    Eagle4

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    Final Submission

    Volkritter
    , the Abyssal Pokémon

    X: The ink it produces glows with an unbelievable luminosity. Volkritter use it to blind approaching predators.

    Y: As a Volkritter weakens, its glow dims. Those that shine brightly are highly sought after.

    Comments (open)

    The Avalanches: You have some intriguing concepts, though perhaps poorly executed. The idea of scaring away predators is interesting, but I feel that the overuse of "of/off" makes the entry clunky! Also, never use "It is said to be"! Either it is, or it isn't, and you should be definite about that!

    HyperBeamingEevee: I feel that your X entry is too random; it offers no explanation as to why they gather in the first place. It's certainly an ambitious effort, however. Please note that overcooking fish =/= deep frying fish!

    Quanyails: I'm usually impressed by your entries, and I don't dislike your concepts (however generic they may be), but I feel that they're surprisingly poorly-phrased for a user of your vocabulary! The use of "may be" in your X entry feels awkward, while your Y entry is too long, where you've tried to fit in too much information. I like the idea of the second sentence in your Y entry though!

    Phione: In a vacuum, these are highly impressive dex entries. However, while I understand that you're trying to relate to Volkraken's dex entries, there's a difference between that and stealing the concept of them. Try coming up with new, inventive concepts to integrate into your entries!

    Flying Types Rule!: Short entries are always great to see! :) I'm a little unsure over your concept of using the sunlight to produce the ink, though I'm sure liberties can be taken when it comes to Pokemon...
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2014
  8. birdcrest

    birdcrest

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    Final Submission

    Volkritter
    , the Squid Pokémon

    X: It lives with its parents for up to 3 weeks. The parents teach it many things, including hunting methods.
    Y: One of its most commonly used hunting methods is eating small creatures stirred up by speedboat propellers.
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2014
  9. pushpaa

    pushpaa

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    Final Submission

    Volkritter
    , the Pelagic Pokémon

    X: Volkritter cannot control the intensity of their false faces. As a result, they often temporarily blind themselves and the Pokémon around them accidentally.

    Y: Some children take wild Volkritter home for themselves, only to be disappointed the next day, as their highly intelligent pet will always have escaped captivity.
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2014
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  10. Ignis Unis

    Ignis Unis

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    Final Submission

    Volkritter
    , the Bioluminescent Pokemon

    X: The spots on Volkritter's body glow in the dark, allowing them to scare off their predators.

    Y: When wild Volkritter feel threatened, they release superheated ink to scald their attackers. This ink can reach temperatures of 150 degrees Fahrenheit.

    Notes (open)
    With the X entry, I made it so that Volkritter was capable of doing something a real-life Vampire Squid could do-glow in the dark, to scare off predators.

    In the Y entry, I didn't want Volkritter's ink to be too hot, as it is just a young vampire squid, but I wanted it to be hot enough to where it could scald it's enemies.
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2014
  11. Elite Lord Sigma

    Elite Lord Sigma

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    Final Submission

    Volkritter
    , the Hydrothermal Pokémon

    X: Heat from volcanic vents at the depths of oceans provides energy for Volkritter. It converts this energy to light to disorient both predators and prey.

    Y: This Pokémon is well known for its curiosity. It is not uncommon to discover it latched to the hulls of passing ships.
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2014
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  12. DHR-107

    DHR-107 Robot from the Future
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    Okay, this thread will be open for another 24 hours.

    Please make sure you mark your submissions as Final Submission for inclusion in the Poll.
  13. Quanyails

    Quanyails
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    Final Submission

    Volkritter, the Benthic Pokémon

    X: Despite living deep under the ocean, this Pokémon has been seen flashing lights as signals to life on the surface.

    Y: Volkritter superheats the water around approaching wild Pokémon either to cook them or to ward them away from its territory.

    Comments:
    Show Hide

    • The Avalanches: The one uncertainty I have about your entries is the use of 'comes up' as vocabulary. The term is rather colloquial, and, while colloquial terms are not unwritten in the Pokedex, its presence stands out. I personally would use 'invents' in that sentence, but that's honestly my preference for precise language. Everything else in your entries is fantastically flavorful.
    • HyperBeamingEevee: The X entry confuses me. How do Volkritter imitate the sun, and how does it appear to increase the sun's duration? Does it use its photophores to do so? Even then, I'd draw attention to the magnitude needed to mimic the sun's light and heat. The Y entry is more plausible, and I enjoy that visualization.
    • Phione: Hmm, the X entry makes me skeptical that Volkritter is a Fire-type Pokemon, although I still find it in the realm of belief. Y's entry is generically fine to me. ouob
    • Flying Types Rule!: I like the repetition of themes in your entries. It's common in in-game Pokedex entries, but less so here. That's already a credit your entries have. The flavor of hot ink is pretty neat, I must say, it covering a lot of flavor in terms of typing, design, and nature. Nicely done!
    • Eagle4: Thanks for the feedback! After rereading my entries, I've been at odds with fitting structuring flavor in a few sentences in a way that makes sense. I've been a bit looser about sentence length since X/Y's entries seem to be longer more frequently. Bioluminescence is never an uncommon topic for these sorts of entries, though your entries use the topic in a creative way. I've been amused at how ink could blind a predator two ways, whether that be through darkness or light.
    • birdcrest: Remember to put an empty new line between 'Final Submission' and 'Volkritter, the Squid Pokémon'! X's entry reminds me strongly of Inkay's Y entry, which seems jarring if the two species were both in-game. Y's entry confuses me a little because Volkritter doesn't hunt if it scavenges for fish around boats. If Volkritter lures or pushes other creatures into propellers, the use of 'hunting' would be more appropriate. If not, then it doesn't actively hunt.
    • pushpaa: Ahaha, Y's entry brings a smile to my face as much as Nuclear reactor's X entry for Volkraken. C: It's so charming! I'm not sure if it's a comma splice, though. I'd check with a mod on that. The 'without meaning to' at the end of the X entry seems a tad superfluous; the words could be condensed or trimmed while still preserving the intention of the sentence. Other than that, great entries!
    • Ignis Unis: X's entry is generically okay. Y's is expected but nicely worded. ouob Your entries don't stand out, in my opinion, but they're very sound.
    • Elite Lord Sigma: Great Y entry! No concerns from me there, as I love the portrayal of these Pokemon as curious, ever since Volkraken's submissions. X's is also fitting, though 'Heat' [...] provides*'. 'Heat' is a singular noun here. It also a neat contrast against Volkraken's use of hydrothermal energy.


    Edit: Made a submission!
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2014
  14. DetroitLolcat

    DetroitLolcat Maize And Blue Badge Set :)
    is a Forum Moderatoris a CAP Contributoris a Tiering Contributor
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    Final Submission

    Volkritter
    , the Littoral Pokémon

    X: It floats near the shores of beaches. Swarms of this Pokemon can heat entire coastlines.

    Y: As it matures, the luminescent bulbs on its back and tentacles develop and it migrates to deeper and darker waters.

    My dex entries take a different approach. While Volkraken lives on the ocean floor, Volkritter lives near the shore and migrates downward before it evolves.
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2014
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  15. pushpaa

    pushpaa

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    Erm Quanyails which mod should I ask? I'm new around here so...
  16. Elite Lord Sigma

    Elite Lord Sigma

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    I'm not a mod, but I don't think the second comma in your Y entry is necessary. If you're in doubt, just read your entry out loud to yourself to see if a pause at that point in the entry makes sense.

    Also, I made that quick fix you pointed out, Quanyails. I revised my submission a few times before finalizing it, so I just missed that subject-verb agreement error while I was proofreading.
  17. paintseagull

    paintseagull pink wingull
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    DetroitLolcat "This Pokemon" is repeated (and i'm not sure if that phrasing is used much?). How about "It likes to float near the shores of beaches. Swarms of Volkritter can..."

    pushpaa I think it'd be better reworded to avoid those awkward commas anyway. Split into two sentences. Do a google search for how to properly use commas if you're not sure. My suggestion: Volkritter will always escape captivity. Children who take them home as pets will only be disappointed the next day to find they have vanished. (something like that, don't have time to make it pretty or check words right now!)
    DetroitLolcat likes this.
  18. Eagle4

    Eagle4

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    Very quick comments:

    birdcrest Your X entry seems a little too close to The Avalanches' for comfort. How about coming up with a new idea? Though your Y entry is very creative!

    pushpaa X entry is lookin' good, although it's a little on the long side! I agree with the comments already made about your Y entry.

    Ignis Unis Both your entries seem stale, as they have (or versions of have) already been posted in this thread before. Be a little more inventive!

    Elite Lord Sigma Your X entry is quite long and the concept has been mentioned before in Volkraken's entry. However I love your Y entry (even it does go against the concept of Volkritter being a deepsea mon)

    Quanyails Much better! Your entries have simple concepts - perhaps too simple and uncreative for me to truly love them - but they read well and I'll be happy if they win.

    DetroitLolcat Your X entry is great, although I'm unsure about the use of "swarms" to convey the group of Volkritter. Your Y entry is the best in the thread, I feel.
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