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CAP 2 Pre-evo - Part 8 - Dex entry submissions

Discussion in 'CAP Pre-Evolution Workshop' started by capefeather, Mar 17, 2012.

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  1. srk1214

    srk1214 is a giant squid of anger
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    I mean... what is the white part if it's not a shell-like thing? It certainly could be one by the looks of it.
  2. phoopes

    phoopes The Boss
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    Thanks to everyone for the feedback. I'm pretty sure I have my Dex entries finalized, so I'd like feedback on the species name if you would go to the trouble.

    Necturine: The Forest Spirit Pokemon.

    Black: Necturine are often found clinging to lifeless trees in large numbers, giving the appearance of a funeral for the dead plant.

    White: It is rumored that after a forest fire, Necturine will gather to mourn the loss of life and plant seeds to help the forest rebuild.

    I went with "Forest Spirit" because I wanted to incorporate both the Grass and Ghost part of Necturine. Necturna is the "Essence" Pokemon, so I thought "Spirit" sounded similar enough to that, and "Forest" went along well with my dex entries. Once again, any feedback on the species name is much appreciated.
  3. tea_and_blues

    tea_and_blues

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    "Forest Spirit" seems both a tad long and a tad too woodland fantasy RPG for my tastes. You've got a real funeral theme in your texts, so why not the Funeral Pokemon or the Graveside Pokemon?
  4. Juicebox 001

    Juicebox 001

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    Necturine: The morbid pokemon

    Black: These pokemon are often solitary during the day. However, they come out of hiding in great numbers at night.

    White: When these pokemon come out at night, they are know to sap the energy of others whilst they are sleeping.
  5. DarkShiftry

    DarkShiftry

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    Necturine: The Forest Berry Pokemon
    Black: This Pokemon disguises itself as a berry in the trees to catch its prey and hide from predators.
    White: It's often said that Necturine's eyes see through your soul, it paralyzes it's opponents that way.
  6. phoopes

    phoopes The Boss
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    tea and blues: Thanks for the feedback. I was worried that the name might be a bit too wordy. And if you don't mind, I will go with the Funeral Pokemon, since I had the same general thought earlier today but couldn't put it into the exact words I wanted. I'm going to review everything one last time before I post a final submission though.
  7. paintseagull

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    Everyone who put "however" at the end of your sentences: this is really not needed! It's not grammatically correct (to be fair, I can never figure out how to use "however" correctly), but even worse, it's bad writing and sounds tacky while not adding much meaning. I'd consider rewording. We have such little space for these entries, best to use all words effectively.

    Edit: After a bit of digging, i'm not sure if it's a grammar issue or not. I still think it's a bit lazy and uncreative though. It doesn't really add much the way you guys have used it.

    phoopes: " giving the appearance of a funeral for the dead plant." sounds a bit awkward, maybe reword this? Also, your White entry could be split into two sentences for better clarity. ie. "They plant seeds..."

    Kaprikorn: I like the wording and spirit of this one. Keeps a bit of creepiness to Necturine but keeps her as a cooperative member of the ecosystem.

    Asylum_Rhapsody: I like yours! Again, it makes her creepy but not *bad*. I'm just not sure about the Raspberry part. Blackberry seemed like a better choice to me.
  8. capefeather

    capefeather YOU CAN'T STOP ROB
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    Some suggestions from me:

    SubwayJ: I think that Black could be shortened a bit while retaining the meanings. Something like: "Necturine attach themselves to trees to drain the nutrients. This sometimes causes other Pokemon to mistake them for berries." The "But" in White could probably just be changed to "However" with a comma.

    Gerard: I'm not sure the entries are believable, since they portray Necturine as a moth, yet it's not a Bug-type, hardly looks like a moth, and doesn't even evolve into any kind of insect-like Pokémon.

    tea_and_blues: I'm not 100% sure on this, but I think that "Liechi Berry" capitalizes both words. If there is precedent one way or the other, it could shed some light on this.

    Kaprikorn: I'm not sure I like "antennae" for describing trees. "Conduit" might be better.

    EVERYONE: Make sure "Pokémon" has a capital "P" in your entries!

    ALSO @ EVERYONE: If you got a technical critique from another user, chances are I just let that be your criticism and didn't want to repeat it.

    ALSO @ the "drains energy" people in general: I'm not really sure this is the right angle. In a vacuum it would be completely fine. However, as a consequence of both winning movepools, Necturine and Necturna must breed or use TMs to get any kind of draining move. It is an odd influence that the movepools have. This is why I personally always pay close attention to the flavour in my movepool submissions; even if I make the flavour really outlandish and nonsensical (*cough* Tomohawk *cough*), at the core it follows certain guidelines.

    The thread was slowing down quite a while ago, and if not for various factors, it may have been closed sooner. Oh, well. You have 24 hours from this post to finalize your submissions and label them as such.
  9. Galladiator

    Galladiator

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    Not my final yet, I'd appreciate some C&C.

    Necturine: the Guardian Pokemon

    Black: Necturine hangs from the boughs of dead trees, lying in wait for its prey. It clamps on its victim's head and attempts to drain its spirit.
    White: It uses its spiritual essence to attack foes. Its appearance serves as a disguise to draw in prey.
  10. Quanyails

    Quanyails
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    Preemptive Final Submission

    Necturine, the Budding Pokémon

    Black: These Pokémon bunch together like berries to lure in prey. Every individual works together against a more powerful foe.

    White: It lives and feeds on dead trees. It fertilizes the ground afterward, making surrounding plants thrive.

    Changed the wording in White to make it less repetitive, and made 'Pokémon' capital with the accent over the E. Anything else?

    (I thought of a third entry [totally silly and non-canon] because of a certain realization with Necturine's designer: 'The most quixotic of farmers consider sight of this Pokémon to be a sign of good harvest.' Doesn't make too much sense, but hey.)

    Comments:

    • Asylum_Rhapsody: It's more that it's plant-based rather than some other form of creation. I can definitely imagine a myth or such about them growing on bushes, though the factual implication of the entry is very much, well, factually implicit.
    • Aerodactyl Legend: Black's entry sounds a bit wordy, as their day/night cycles can be implied by their behavior. White's is better as far as information goes. Gives a spooky sense of what they do, too. :)
    • Kaprikorn: Graveyards 'are', but some 'believed'? Not sure if you fixed up that tense confusion.
    • Darkhuaza517: No comma unless there's a coordinating conjunction for a compound sentence! D: And the White entry, I feel, should read 'this Pokémon' rather than 'these Pokémon', since the previous sentence is singular.
    • chrysthehamster: Other than the capitalization and period on Black that's needed, Black's entry as a whole falls flat. It needs more substantiation other than that Necturines are 'scary'. The rumor in the White entry is more specific, so a topic of similar detail would work.
    • phoopes: I don't have much to say, and a simple comment to say your entry's all good and fine won't stay in the guidelines. X3 It gives good variation for the pokemon.
    • Juicebox 001: The 'coming out at night' part is reused in both entries; if it were in different generations, that would be okay, but--show me if wrong--a little more differentiation in Black/White entries would be nice.
    • DarkShiftry: White's entry is a comma splice and talks to the reader. Entries don't do either. Black's is grammatically fine, though it feels a bit long for one sentence without breaks. Rewording that would make it more pleasant.
    • Galladiator: Interesting take on the species name. Sometimes, they're explained in the pokedex entries, and other times, they're not. Interesting that you are going with the 'facehugger' idea, though what's 'spiritual essence'?
    • nofacej (below): The Black entry I was specific about how they work; I did not put commas around the phrase 'like berries', so hence that similarity. I also kept the part of each specific individual to show that every one of them works, instead of having them be an anomalous mass. But I took the 'fertilizing' part on the White entry, moving 'afterward' in a different place. And contradictory pokedex entries, where have we seen those before? XD Excadrill? And never says it can't be both.
  11. phoopes

    phoopes The Boss
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    Final Submission

    Necturine: The Grieving Pokemon.

    Black: Necturine are often found clinging to lifeless trees in large numbers, appearing to hold a funeral for the dead plant.

    White: It is rumored that after a forest fire, Necturine will gather to mourn the loss of life and plant seeds to help the forest rebuild.

    Thanks for the feedback, everyone! Went on my own here with the "Grieving" Pokemon, but it's definitely less wordy than my last idea and goes well with the dex entries, I think. Thought about the "Mourning" Pokemon, but didn't want to be repetitive in the species name and the White entry. Changed the wording around in Black entry to make it less awkward, and kept the White entry the same because I think it works. Thanks again for the feeback.
  12. yaysnivy34

    yaysnivy34

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    Final Submission

    Necturine: The Soul-Suck Pokemon

    Black: Necturine like to cuddle innocently up to travelers, only to deceive them by sucking out their souls with its jaws.

    White: When Necturine are born, they are fed souls collected by Necturna. They remember every soul they have ever tasted.
  13. nofacej

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    Just a few suggestion I think would improve your entries:


    Black: These Pokémon bunch together, appearing like berries, to lure in prey. They work together against more powerful foes.

    *Berries don't actively bunch together, but the language you've used suggests they do. I also thought your second sentence was a bit clunky.


    White: It lives and feeds on dead trees. Afterwards it fertilizes the ground, making surrounding plants thrive.

    *There's no real connection between feeding on dead trees and enhancing the growth of trees that happen to be nearby. I think adding the point about fertilizing is important for establishing that connection. Afterwards is a lot neater, and also helps separate the two lines into distinct sentences.

    One thing I did find slightly contradictory in your two entries is that in the Black entry you claim it lures in prey by pretending to be a Berry, whereas in the White entry you claim it feeds off dead trees. You might want to consider removing the part about feeding on dead trees in your White entry.
  14. Juicebox 001

    Juicebox 001

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    Final Submission:

    Necturine: The morbid Pokemon

    Black:These pokemon are often solitary during the day. However, they come out of hiding in great numbers at night to eat and socialize.

    White:Necturine live in and around areas where people or Pokemon are buried. They prey on any small Pokemon that unwarily wander into their midst.

    Thanks for warning me of the repeat in themes Quanyails!
  15. MikaDo

    MikaDo

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    Final Submission

    Necturine, the spirit Pokemon

    Black: Because it looks like a Liechi Berry, bird Pokemon often try to eat this Pokemon.
    White: Necturine are often found in groups at the full moon. Their natural behavior at daytime is not yet discovered.
  16. chrysthehamster

    chrysthehamster

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    final submission

    the ghost berry pokemon

    Black: it hisses eerily when disturbed, it's hiss is considered a bad omen and will lead to a generation of bad luck
    White: it is rumoured that when a person is buried, swarms of necturine gather to feed on the "fresh spirits"

    completely changed the first entry
  17. tea_and_blues

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    @MikaDo: All the in-game refs I found during a really quick sweep refer to berries as proper nouns, so it'd be "Liechi Berry" most likely. The conjugation in your Black entry is clunky - simplify your verbs. "bird Pokemon often try to eat", not "are often trying to eat".

    I'd recommend "Spirit" Pokemon maybe? Spiritual has some negative connotations, and it seems like \most Pokemon get nouns like "Spirit" over adjectives like "Spiritual" - eg "Volcano Pokemon", not "Volcanic Pokemon".
  18. Kyuzeth

    Kyuzeth

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    Final Submission

    Necturine, the Chaser Pokémon

    Black: Necturine seems very playful and social, but is very protective of wandering spirits. It often hangs on trees and falls down to capture prey.

    White: A Necturine always shares a very close bond with their mother Necturna. It can recognize its mother between numerous other Necturna by scent.

    I chose for 'Chaser' because it always chases wandering spirites and its own mother when it's lost. Anyways, great job, everyone!
  19. Mari

    Mari

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    Final Submission

    Necturine
    - The Shallon Pokémon (it looks like a Gaultheria adenothrix or a Gaultheria shallon - also known as Salal)

    Black:
    It disguises as a berry to bait its prey. Berry gatherers should aware its sharp teeth.

    White: It is often encountered on sweet smelling trees. Those who pick it as a supposed berry are taught their lesson.
  20. MikaDo

    MikaDo

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    @Tea and Blues: Thanks for your feedback, but isn't this the present continues? Correct me if I'm wrong but thisis good grammar I think.

    @Paintseagull: However can be used at the end of a sentence correctly.
    (The stupid Dutchman is trying to learn somebody English :)

    Edit: What's an adjective 0_0
  21. paintseagull

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    MikaDo: It might be grammatically correct, but the way you've used it doesn't really make sense. "Nobody knows why, however." is not interesting, doesn't contribute any information, and sounds awkward. You're also using "however" incorrectly here. The fact that "nobody knows why" is not really a counter point to the statement you originally made. "Nobody knows why." (without the "however") would make more sense, but that's a bit stale.
    I'd suggest something more like this:

    Necturine are often found in groups at the full moon. Pokemon researchers are still trying to understand why.
    or
    Necturine are often found in groups at the full moon. Their mysterious behavior is not yet understood.

    or something else like that. See what I mean?
    I do like your submission otherwise though! :)

    oh and also: adjectives are descriptor words for nouns. "spiritual pokemon" : spiritual = adjective, pokemon = noun
  22. MikaDo

    MikaDo

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    Thank you so much! I appreciate these comments!
    Changed my entry slithly.Thanks for the suggestions.
  23. Kaprikorn

    Kaprikorn

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    I've made the suggested edits. Any help with species name is also much appreciated.

    Mari:

    Your Black entry should be: It disguises itself as a berry to bait its prey. Berry gatherers should beware its sharp teeth.

    The second sentence in your White entry is awkward.

    Also, your species name is a bit obscure.
  24. bugmaniacbob

    bugmaniacbob Floats like a Butterfree, stings like a Metapod
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    Final Submission

    Why all the doom and gloom?

    Black: A cordial made from squashed Necturine and lemons was discontinued after their seeds were found to be taking root in the drinkers' stomachs.

    White: Its fluffy outer coating makes those who touch it feel warm and fuzzy inside. It can also be used to clean old bits of Velcro.
  25. nihilist

    nihilist

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    why is this taking as long as the main CAP? speed it up homey
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