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CAP 16 CAP 5 - Part 13 - Pokedex Entry Submissions

Discussion in 'CAP Process Archive' started by Birkal, May 7, 2013.

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  1. Psylink

    Psylink

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    I'm pretty sure Nintendo wouldn't put swear words in a children's game. If there is swearing in any of these, PM me, and I'll remove my post.
  2. CJorex

    CJorex

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    After receiving some critique, I have an updated entry here. It's still a WIP, so please give some critique.

    Malaconda, the Temptation Pokémon

    Black: It lures unsuspecting Pokémon with the fruit on its tail. Once they let their guards down, it bites down with its powerful fangs.

    White: Research has shown that the fruit on Malaconda's tail contains chemicals that increase brain activity.

    BW2: It keeps its prey transfixed with its paralyzing glare. Some have claimed that its eyes are almost hypnotic.


    So, what do you think? I fixed up a few errors and changed a few things based on the rates I got. On Quanyails' suggestion I changed the BW2 entry, but really I want to know whether the old one or the new one is better. So, if you give a rate, please state which one you prefer.
  3. Shiruba

    Shiruba

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    looks pretty awesome! i really like it.

    Black: not too outlandish, but that is definitely no problem. the last sentence in particular sounds cool - however, "Once they let their guards down" sounds awkward, and i'm pretty sure it's the singular "guard," even if referring to a plural. "let their guards down" sounds like they're having their soldiers climb down rapunzel's hair - in my mind, at least.

    White: this seems pretty vague to me, albeit having lots of potential. increases brain activity? that sounds like it'd be a good thing - making people able to learn more quickly and think faster. perhaps that could be the case, but it seems to go a little... against the concept? still, it'd be nice if there was some elaboration going on here.

    BW2: the wording here sounds pretty awesome, won't lie. however, i feel that the other one makes yours stand out a bit more - nobody else has anything quite like it, whereas this one is more generic. it's not bad, not by a long shot, but i think that the original is what really gave your ideas a dash of originality.
  4. Agile Turtle

    Agile Turtle

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    WIP

    Malaconda, the Evil Pokemon

    Black: Malaconda tempts its prey with the apple on its tail, then delivers its punishment with its razor sharp fangs.

    White: Many legends have claimed that every Malaconda is made of pure evil.

    BW2: Tea leaves can be found growing on the tail of a Malaconda. These leaves are said to make the best stuff on Earth.
  5. Blue Frog

    Blue Frog Azureus
    is an Artist

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    WIP:

    Malaconda, the Discord Pokemon

    Black: When cut off, the fruit on its tail regenerates immediately. A berry occasionally grows in its place.

    White: It uses its fruit in order to lure prey in. It is capable of swallowing entire Snorlax whole.

    BW2: In ancient times, conflicts broke out over its prized fruit. However, none ever succeeded in attaining it.
  6. Temperantia

    Temperantia

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    Final Submission

    Malanconda, the Temptation Pokemon

    Black: A wild Malaconda lures prey to its lair with the sound of the fruit-shaped rattle at the end of its tail.

    White: Looking a Malaconda in the eye is said to bring Pokemon and trainers alike into a trance from which they cannot escape.

    BW2: The end of Malaconda's tail is often confused for a fruit by younger Pokemon. Daycare owners must clear out any of this Pokemon's dens nearby.
  7. Birkal

    Birkal We have the technology.
    is a member of the Site Staffis a Battle Server Administratoris an Artistis a Super Moderatoris a Community Contributoris a CAP Contributoris a Smogon Media Contributor
    CAP Head Mod

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    I just wanted to note that tomorrow will begin the Final Submission period. Consider this your 24-hour warning to your 24-hour warning, haha. Also, please read the rules listed in the first post of this thread. We've added numerous rules to this process, so make sure that your entry and conduct is within the rules! Keep working, and great job so far.
  8. Rough WIP, likely needing both work and progress.

    Malaconda, the Serpent Pokemon

    Black: Its fruit was once used for medicinal purposes. This practice ended when patients reported terrifying visions.

    White: Ancient homes were often abandoned after Malaconda nests were found inside. No one knows why these invasions stopped.

    BW2: It grows fruit on its tail, which it uses to lure prey. When introduced to new regions, it starts growing different fruit.

    Black and White both deal with old lore, and in keeping with the aesthetics of the games, White's lore is older. White's is also meant to make reference to Infiltrator. I originally tried to be more specific with Black's about how the fruit was used, but the simple mention of "medicinal purposes" is easier to manage in a short entry. BW2 is a more "standard" dex entry that brings us back to the present, and was sort of loosely inspired by the idea of different Arbok having different patterns.

    Oh, and as usual, I posted this without reading most of the other entries. Hopefully I haven't "stolen" any ideas.
  9. The Steam Punk

    The Steam Punk

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    OK, I've gotten some good feedback for these, but then I had a new idea. Therefore, I have these updated entries. Any better? Any worse?
    WIP

    Malaconda, the Tempting Pokémon.

    Black: The fruit on its tail is fabled to be the most delicious in the world, though it has never let anyone taste it.

    White: It preys on less intelligent Pokémon who are easily lured by its fruit, as it finds tricking them amusing.

    BW2: It tests Trainers it meets with its fruit. If they can resist temptation, it may decide to trust them.
  10. Scorpio

    Scorpio

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    Made some improvements. Not my final submission yet.

    Malaconda
    , the Temptation Pokémon

    Black: It uses the fruit on its tail as a distraction for both prey and potential threats. The fruit grows back very quickly so it can be used again.

    White: The fruit it carries looks appealing and is said to be very tasty. However, it contains strong chemicals to immobilize those who eat it.

    BW2: It is a manipulative Pokemon that lures prey and foe alike with the fruit on its tail. Sometimes it targets Trainers for its own amusement.
  11. Alcorzar

    Alcorzar

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    Final Submission!

    Malaconda, the Chaos Snake Pokémon.

    Black: Those who ingest the fruit on Malaconda's tail are said to have psychedelic experiences which can cause life-changing epiphanies.

    White: When a Malaconda inhabits an area, it can wipe out ecosystems of all non-plant life with its destructive, gluttonous rampages.

    BW2: Recent archeological evidence suggests that ancient societies either worshiped or vilified Malaconda thanks to its chaotic character.
  12. Dracoyoshi8

    Dracoyoshi8 weapon of mass seduction
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    Not too fond of the white entry, but the other two entries are my favorites, by far.
  13. RegiFlame150

    RegiFlame150

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    (WIP) for now

    Malaconda, the Forest Siren Pokemon

    Black: A bite of its apple can turn mother against son, friend against friend, brother against brother, and can reduce a wise man to a common fool.

    White: It prefers trickery over a fight. If forced into combat, however, it can end it with a single bite.

    BW2: If a victim is lured to its apple, it becomes so obsessed it cannot feel the vicious bites this Pokemon inflicts.
  14. mcFlareon

    mcFlareon

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    Some comments for other entries: (open)

    @srk1214: I like the White entry and how it explains the speed stat and also how the BW2 sort of hints at Malaconda's alternate design back in the Art Submissions thread ;)
    @Scorpio: for your Black entry, I feel "to distract both prey..." would work better for that sentence.
    @Rivrivriv: For your White entry you repeat the fruit will grow back too much. I think you should replace at least one of them with something like "regenerate".
    @paintseagull: My favourite is the BW2, it really showcases Malaconda's effect on the environment.
    @Eagle4: Really like your entries, although the White one seems a bit generic. Personally, I don't think eggs as a food go with its design as someone who lures prey with an apple. I don't even know if it would live where Delibirds are.
    @Timeblaze: I think you could reword your Black entry better since the last sentence seems awkward (especially the last three words). Maybe, "It delights in creating and watching conflict between Pokemon" or something like that.
    @Snaquaza: I think the first sentence of the Black entry is really generic, it could be worded better to connect to the second sentence. Maybe something like "If there is a sighting of this rare pokemon, children are...etc". Same with the BW2 entry ("There have been cases when children...").
    @The Royal Guard: For the White entry, it should be "its" not "it's". The BW2 entry needs some work, its very generic and I'm not sure I even understand it. For the Black entry I suggest something like "...if someone befriends Malaconda, it may offer the apple.." just for better wording.
    @The Agile Turtle: I strongly suggest rewording/expanding the last sentence of your BW2 entry. "The best stuff" doesn't really say anything- are you talking about tea? Ingredients? Clarify the stuff.
    @Blue Frog: Love your White entry, although I don't think you need the "in order" for the first sentence, it's fine without it. Also I think "swallowing an entire Snorlax" sounds better in my opinion.
    @The Steam Punk: Very solid entries. Particularly like BW2
    @Bull of Heaven: Love the last entry, I thought of something similar to that but you beat me to it and yours is worded perfectly. I can't really understand the White entry though.
    @Regiflame150: I think the Black entry is too long and needs summarising, even just "A bite of its fruit instigates chaos and can reduce a wise man to a common fool" would suffice. Also for the BW2, I think you should use "unable to feel" instead since it bring stronger imagery and highlights the effects for the prey better.



    Just some revisions taking some advice before I make a Final Submission:

    Malaconda, the Enticement Pokemon

    Black: The fruit it generates changes scent and flavour regularly. Its original taste remains a mystery.

    or

    The fruit it generates changes scent and flavour according to its target's preferences. Its original taste remains a mystery.

    White: It is known to infiltrate orchards, ambushing unwary farmers. Despite the dangers, these farms yield the most succulent harvests.

    BW2: Using subtly hypnotic motions, it skillfully dangles its tail to entice prey. It strikes before victims can reach the fruit.

    So I sort of changed the Black entry a bit, instead of only in failed attempts at lures it can change the aroma/taste regularly to keep victims guessing. Alternately, Malaconda can sense the target's preferences to really tempt the victim and the fruit's aroma/taste changes accordingly. Not sure which is better or if my new wordings are an improvement from my first post or if they went the other direction.
  15. Qwilphish

    Qwilphish Mind over Matter
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    Still WIP, comments are greatly appreciated

    Malaconda, the Tempt Pokemon

    Black: It prefers to use the aroma from its fruit to lure its prey. However, it will not hesitate to strike more resistant opponents.

    White: Malaconda's fruit has never been examined due to the scientists being attacked and dragged away before they can analyze it.

    BW2: Cave drawings depict a Malaconda falling from the sky in a fiery rage. Due to this, Malaconda is known as the Sun's Creation in tribal areas.
  16. The Steam Punk

    The Steam Punk

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    Never mind, not final. WIP

    Malaconda, the Tempting Pokémon.

    Black: The fruit on its tail is fabled to be the most delicious in the world, though it has never let anyone taste it.

    White: It preys on less intelligent Pokémon who are easily lured by its fruit, as it finds tricking them amusing.

    BW2: It tests Trainers it meets with its fruit. If they can resist the temptation to eat it, it may decide to trust them.

    I hope this isn't too early.
  17. soursurfer12

    soursurfer12

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    Final Submission

    Malaconda, the Fallen Pokémon

    Black: Its camouflaged body acts as both lure and snare. It is capable of laying motionless for hours.

    White: The fruit it bears is viewed as a delicacy in some cuisines. It is aromatic and very bitter.

    BW2: The only known antidote for a Malaconda bite is to eat the fruit of the attacker. Its venom can trigger rapid paralysis.
  18. The Reptile

    The Reptile CELEBRATE
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    Malaconda, the Sinful Pokémon.

    Black: It uses the fruit-like appendage on its tail to lure its prey. Even if the appendage is devoured, it can grow another one in a matter of minutes.

    White: The fruit on its tail is actually an appendage used to lure its prey. Its taste is unknown, but its scent is irresistible.

    BW2: The fruit-like appendage at the end of its tail is said to cause paralysis upon consumption. The chemical composition of the appendage is unknown.
  19. RegiFlame150

    RegiFlame150

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    Final Submission

    Malaconda, the Forest Siren Pokemon

    Black: One bite from its apple can cause chaos among close friends and turn a wise man into a fool.

    White: It prefers trickery over a fight. If forced into combat, however, it can end it with a single bite.

    BW2: If a victim is lured to its apple, it becomes so obsessed it is unable to feel the vicious bites this Pokemon inflicts.
  20. Yarnus of Bethany

    Yarnus of Bethany

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    I really like srk's submission; it seems to me to be the most creative one and most fitting. You gabe my full support.
  21. Snaquaza

    Snaquaza

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    Final Submission

    Malaconda the Alluring

    Black:Folklore says that if you make eye-contact with this Pokemon, that you will be paralyzed forever.

    White: This Pokemon normally only shows its apple, once unsuspecting prey is close, it suddenly emerges and wraps itself around the prey.

    BW2: There have been cases that small children take a bite of the fruit on its tail, this will paralyze them and will let them fall prey to Malaconda.
  22. DetroitLolcat

    DetroitLolcat Maize And Blue Badge Set :)
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    Not A Final Submission Right Now

    Malaconda, the Temptation Pokemon

    Black: It tempts its prey with its golden fruit and then swallows them whole. It can swallow things twice its length.

    White: Stories of a Malaconda one hundred feet long have been passed down since ancient times.

    BW2: Malaconda treats other Dark-type Pokemon with honor and respect. It is rare to see two Malaconda fight each other.

    joke submission (open)

    Malaconda, the Bad Apple Pokemon

    Black: Pokemon that eat this Pokemon's fruit in Pokemon Mystery Dungeon do not have their Belly refilled at all.

    White: Malaconda's golden fruit actually counts as two servings of fruit by FDA standards.

    BW2: Although Malaconda's art design is obviously spiky for competitive reasons, Malaconda's movepool surprisingly does not include Spikes.
  23. Eagle4

    Eagle4

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    Well I was gonna just edit in my new White entry to my previous post but I've also created a full joke dex entry submission, and I also wanted to post critique on all the other entries so far. Anyway, still WIP, but I've changed the White entry seeing as Delibird references are a no-go D:

    Malaconda, the Temptation Pokemon

    Black: A Malaconda's fruit can regenerate on command. It readily gives it up in order to devour the foe.

    White: They were once poached for their sumptuous fruit. This practice ended after reports of horrifying visions from those who consumed it.

    BW2: It lures in prey before devouring it whole. After a large meal, the fruit glows greatly.

    Joke Entries (BMB would be proud) (open)
    Malaconda, the Berry Risky Pokemon

    Black: Full of spite and greed, Malacondas slither into nests of Delibird and consume the eggs whole.

    White: Despite Malaconda's appearance, the fruit commands the snake. This explains its strange aversion to the move "Bite".

    BW2: It attempts to coil around its prey, often impaling iself in the process. Most deaths of Malaconda occur this way.


    Critique will be edited in later, what I need right now is some sleep
  24. Timeblaze

    Timeblaze

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    Final Submission

    Malaconda, the Tempting Pokemon

    Black: It has a naturally devious nature. It loves stirring up and watching conflict between other Pokemon.

    White: Malaconda waits in trees while dangling its fruit down. When unsuspecting Pokemon reach for it, it attacks.

    BW2: Ancestors of this Pokemon once had legs. It's unknown how they were lost, or why.
  25. Birkal

    Birkal We have the technology.
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    CAP Head Mod

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    This thread is now open for Final Submissions. It will remain open for at least 24 hours from the time of this post.
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