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CAP 5 Pre-Evo - Part 8 - Dex Entry Submissions

Discussion in 'CAP Pre-Evolution Workshop' started by DetroitLolcat, Jul 15, 2013.

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  1. DetroitLolcat

    DetroitLolcat Maize And Blue Badge Set :)
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    Here is where we put the icing on the cake for our little bratty rattler. The rules are unchanged from Cupra and Argalis' processes, so I'll just copy and paste them over here. psg edit: Actually, they were changed. I fixed the rules below.

    In this thread you may post your entries for critique and eventually submit them for the poll. Please read the following rules before doing so!:

    Legal Pokedex submissions must meet the following standards
    • Pokedex Entries must have flawless grammar. Smogon has a Grammar & Prose team that will help identify mistakes.
    • Pokedex Entries cannot be longer than 25 words.
    • Pokedex Entries can only contain the following characters:
      • Letters A-Z
      • Numbers 1-9
      • Dash (-)
      • Apostrophe (')
      • Period (.)
      • Comma (,)
      • Colon (:)
      • Semi-colon (;)
      • Space
    Work In Progress (WIP) Pokedex Entries can be posted at any time for comments from the community.

    No more than three WIP Pokedex Entries can be posted by any individual person through the entire course of the submission thread. This limit applies to ALL posts made by a single person, even if previous posts are edited or deleted. This limit is intended to curb the tendency for some submitters to spam the thread repeatedly with multiple Pokedex Entries. This detracts from other submissions and makes it difficult for commenters to survey the submission thread.

    Do not bump your WIP Pokedex Entries by posting them repeatedly, or making minor wording changes. Bumping will result in the disqualification of all Pokedex Entries by the offender. Editing or deleting bump posts will not prevent disqualification.

    Only ONE Final Submission can be made per person.

    Pokedex entries Final Submissions must posted exactly in the following format and in the following exact order:
    • The first line of the post must have the words "Final Submission" in bold on it's own line. No other text may be included before the bold heading.
    • A blank line
    • "<Pokemon Name>, the <Species Name> Pokemon", with the Pokemon name and the Species Name in bold
    • A blank line
    • The Black Pokedex Entry submission. Start with the word "Black" in bold, then a colon (:), and then the Pokedex entry.
    • A blank line
    • The White Pokedex Entry submission. Start with the word "White" in bold, then a colon (:), and then the Pokedex entry.
    • A blank line
    • The Black 2 & White 2 Pokedex Entry submission. Start with the word "BW2" in bold, then a colon (:), and then the Pokedex entry.
    Below the Final Submission you can post other comments, explanations, etc.

    Example final submission:

    Any Final Submission that does not follow the proper format will be disqualified.

    -------

    Our Prevo So Far:


    Name: Brattler
    Art: [​IMG]

    Type: Grass/Dark
    Abilities: Harvest/Infiltrator
    Stats: 80/70/40/20/90/30

    Movepool: Brattler's Movepool


    http://smogon.com/forums/threads/cap-5-final-product.3482704/ (Malaconda's Final Product thread!)


    In the interest of finishing this step expeditiously and given the historical length of this discussion, Final Submissions will be allowed from the beginning.

    All right, let's finish this CAP with style! I will post a 24-hour warning when there are 24 hours remaining, but this discussion is traditionally short, usually about 48 hours. Assume that if the 24-hour warning has not been posted then it's being posted soon.

    Good luck everyone! Come up with descriptions for our little snake that would make leviathans scramble in fear!
  2. scorpdestroyer

    scorpdestroyer is a pious radio
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    WIP, comments appreciated

    Brattler, the Facade Pokemon

    Black: Its body patterns allow it to slither along the forest floor unnoticed. When the fruit on its tail ripens, it is ready for evolution.

    White: It dances mesmerizingly to confuse weaker foes, before attacking them for fun. If defeated, the fruit on its tail becomes shriveled.

    BW2: When alarmed, the fruit on its tail sways violently. Despite looking harmless and innocent, it likes to bully Pokemon of a lesser size.

    -------

    I'll try to find a better species name, Facade might be a little strong *__*

    I really like The Steam Punk's entry, js

    I interpreted the seeds as little grape thingies or a fig, or something. I decided on making my entries based around the fruit of Brattler's tail, since it is pretty much its defining trait.

    So I formatted the Black pokedex entry because Brattler is supposedly a little brat and since Malaconda's entry depicts it in a forest, I decided Brattler would be cunning and lives in the forest. And since its body patterns happen to match the forest floor nicely, I thought why not? As for the fruit ripening, I did this with reference to how some pokedex entries referred to the evolution process, especially Exeggcute's Pokedex entry. They were similar in terms of how they were both plant-ish and fruitish, and its Gen 3 Pokedex entry states that when more cracks appear, it is close to evolution. The fruits ripening also depicts maturity, from a bullying brat to a malicious anaconda.

    As for White, I took reference to how the name "Brat" means a badly behaved child. The artwork of Brattler also convinced me that it could dance due to its body curving slightly, and the attacking for fun part is with reference to brat. Once I again I decided to go back to the fruit which would shrivel when defeated.

    For B2W2, its tail expanding is pretty much a reference to how rattlesnakes in real life react when they are alarmed. I also included the 2nd sentence in order to fit in White's description and also create contrast with the previous sentence.
  3. The Steam Punk

    The Steam Punk

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    Brattler, the Sneaky Pokemon

    Black: It uses the leaf on its head to blend with surrounding foliage, making it nearly invisible in the forest.

    White: The seeds on its tail are hollow, and it rattles them together to intimidate opponents.

    BW2: Though it prides itself on its tail seeds, it will resort to eating them if other food is scarce. They grow back quickly.

    I changed the tail composition from fruits to seeds.
  4. NinjaStars

    NinjaStars

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    WIP for now

    Brattler, the Snake Pokemon

    Black: This Pokémon is very aggressive . They are known to attack any Pokémon. Because of that, no Pokémon likes Brattler.

    White: This Pokemon has a fear of insects, so humans bring bug type Pokémon when they go in Brattler's territory

    BW2: This Pokémon's tail is made out of seeds. Since every tail is different, no two Brattler are alike.

    After Quanytails comment, I changed Brattler's species from Disaster to the Snake Pokémon. I changed his BW2 pokedex entry and fixed its Black entry. I also removed the bold that was in the Pokedex entries and made bug lowercase.

    After Bull of Heaven's comment , I changed some words, flipped the White entry, and completely changed the Black entry.
  5. Hollymon

    Hollymon

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    Brattler the Lure Pokemon

    Black: By vibrating the seeds on its tail, it produces a melodious sound to lure prey before it strikes.

    White: The colour of its body allows it to blend in with the forest. It attacks prey using its surprisingly powerful jaws.

    BW2: Using the rattle on its tail, it lures pokemon so it can eat them. It has a known taste for Audino.

    After Quanyails comments I decided to change the "Rattle" pokemon to "Lure"pokemon as it is fitting with Malaconda the temptation pokemon and "lure" sounds like a step down from "temptation" but while still keeping the evil theme. Other changes include putting it instead of he (which I did by accident).

    Ant to answer your question, I chose audino because I wanted a pokemon bigger than Brattler to show that it can take on bigger foe and as they are rare, it's like a delicacy for them. It is in the same way humans like to have a rare treat like fish and chips but they don't have one every meal as they contain a lot of fat but it is nice to have one every once in a while
  6. Quanyails

    Quanyails
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    The movepool we chose has redundant level-up attacks. Brattler doesn't learn anything new from level 1 until level 18. D:

    Onto the pokedex entries.

    Brattler, the Bad Seed Pokémon

    Black: Basking from its tree branch is its favorite activity. From there, it can photosynthesize and ambush prey from above.

    White: It hisses moments before it ambushes prey. Its bites are known to paralyze victims for weeks.

    BW2: It loathes the company of those who try to befriend it; instead, it whispers lies and creates hostility among them.

    Hmm, I wanted the species name Bad Seed to go with Bad Apple for Malaconda. What a suitable duo of species names that would have been. Pity. :/ Bad Seed still works as a literal metaphor for Brattler, though! Well, the three entries I have feature Brattler's haughtiness as well as a slight reference to another creature that hisses before unsuspecting victims are ambushed. Black's has Brattler villainously slouching on a tall tree branch, all the more to look down upon other pokemon. It serves a practical purpose, too, as it allows Brattler to camouflage on the branch, photosynthesize, and attack prey from above. White's entry has that aforementioned reference as well as one of those seemingly-exaggerated statistics; Brattler isn't poisonous, but it has Glare and Wild Charge, so why can't it paralyze? :p B2/W2's entry draws more from the 'Brat' portion of Brattler's name. It does a subdued verion of Malaconda's corruption; instead of just happening to corrupt those that are around it, it lies to cause discord. I'm sure it gets a kick out of doing that. :p

    Comments (I miss hide tags!):
    • scorpdestroyer: I like your 'fruit on its tail' consistency, even if Brattler's rattlesnake tail is really seeds. Black's got a nice mix of habits and visuals, and the latter sentence is quite representative of in-game entries' depiction of evolution. White's entry shows Brattler's character; dancing is unusual, but not completely so. It may be used to confuse adversaries before attacking, and that would be fitting Brattler's behavior. B2/W2's entry is a tad less convincing; I suppose you can interpret the emotions of an animal--pets, as I'm familiar with--by watching it tail. Rattlesnakes, hmm, less so, I'd think. It may be from not being familiar with rattlesnakes and their tails. :p I know that rattlesnake tails vibrate to alarm enemies and nothing more. The bullying portion of the entry fits with the rest of the entries, though, and that's great!
    • The Steam Punk: I'm under the interpretation that Brattler's rattler is seeds rather than fruits. I'll accept it if your entries are voted upon, but yeah. Seeds into fruit seems more logical than fruit into different fruit. Black's entry is generally good, White's entry provides that real-life allusion, which I do like, and I like that pinch of personality you gave Brattler--pride for its fruit--in the B2/W2 entry. It also shows that Brattler isn't so above it all at times, willing to consume plants (and itself, if you want to bring up Ouroboros, yes, yes) to stay alive. :) That entry's my favorite out of your three.
    • Ninjastars: 'Disaster' is quite dramatic for this snake, isn't it? Absol is The Disaster Pokemon because it warns of disasters. What does Brattler do? For your entries, please remove the bold in the text; bold is not used in Pokedex entries. Also, 'BUG' does not have to be capitalized. "Bug-type Pokémon" would be the proper way of addressing them. Black's entry is okay, though a tad absent in aftermath. It can lure in prey, but how does it defeat them? White's entry is interesting, as it gives a natural-ish explanation for its Bug-type weakness. It implies that Brattler is a threat to people, though. Why, if I may ask? B2/W2's entry... eh, it doesn't work for me. Brattler isn't a Poison-type pokemon, though I suppose you can keep that inconsistency in the entry, as attributes and entries do not necessarily coincide. The Pokerus portion is strange, though. Pokerus is a virus, and you'd need an antivirus to cure it, not an antitoxin. Brattler doesn't cause Pokerus, so I don't see how you can fashion a cure for it through it. o3o Might that entry be altered?
    • Hollymon: Brattler the Rattle. Hmm. I hope you fix up that species name. :p I noticed immediately that White's entry is inconsistent with the gender of pokemon. In-game entries always describe pokemon with the pronoun 'it', even if they are gendered. That aside, I'll take a look at the individual entries. Black's has that real-world reference with Brattler, rattlesnakes, and their rattlers. I like the way you worded it. :D White's entry provides a nice visual of its habitat and habits. Pokemon are quite typically 'surprisingly powerful', eh? That's a positive, just to indicate. I like how the B2/W2 entry mingles the previous concepts while showing something new as well. I do have to ask, why Audino of all pokemon? To show that it's rare, to show that Brattler finds Audino easy to attack? Audino is taller than a yard and meter, so Brattler must also be quite large. o3o Still, you've got some nice entries that work well together. :)
  7. P2X7

    P2X7

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    WIP at the moment

    Brattler, the Seed Pokémon

    Black: It lures prey by hiding in trees and dangling the seeds on its tail. When an unsuspecting Pokémon draws near, it drops down upon it.

    White: It is born without any seeds on its tail. As it grows stronger, more seeds will grow.

    BW2: If planted, a seed from its tail will grow into a tree that bears golden fruit.
  8. DetroitLolcat

    DetroitLolcat Maize And Blue Badge Set :)
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    This is your 24-hour warning.

    Assume that this thread will close at 3:30 AM Central time on July 17, 2013.

    I may not be awake at that time. If I am, then that's when this thread will close. Otherwise, expect it to be closed by noon.

    Remember to label your posts as Final Submissions!

    Thanks for the great submissions, guys! Make sure to finally submit and remember that there's still plenty of time to make your own Dex Entries!
  9. I might try to enter something, but I'm in the middle of a busy week and haven't given this much thought. For now, let's see what kind of feedback I can give to others.
    • scorpdestroyer: I like the Black entry, but it contains too many words. This is easy enough to fix just by shaving a couple off. For example, if you just change "it is said to be" to "it is," you're within the limit. The second sentence of the White entry is odd, since Brattler has seeds on its tail, and not a developed fruit. The BW2 entry is also too long, and I don't understand the first sentence. There's a lot of potential in this submission, but you might want to simplify some of your sentences, as they have a lot going on in them and are making your entries long. Remember that it really doesn't take much to make a Dex entry overly complicated; I personally find this to be the hardest thing about writing them.
    • The Steam Punk: Strong submission. I would split the White entry into two sentences, but that might just be a matter of personal taste.
    • NinjaStars: These just sort of don't sit right with me. Firstly, Pokedex entries usually use "it" and "its" intead of naming the Pokemon. As for the specific entries, Brattler doesn't look, in its art or stats, like something that's "too weak to hunt," and given its sneaky nature, you could just say that it prefers not to. An absolute statement that it "never gets caught" is a little odd, and I feel like the wording could be a little more interesting. I'd probably flip the second sentence of the White entry, so it says that humans "bring Bug type Pokemon when they enter its territory". As for BW2, its tail is not "made of fruits," but rather has seeds on the end, and the second sentence of this entry is a little vague. Do you mean that every Brattler has a unique-looking tail? If you do, that's a cool idea, but you should make it clearer. Also, to be consistent with every official Pokemon, the plural form of Brattler would be Brattler, with no S. I hope I'm not being too negative here. I like your ideas and want to see a final submission, but the writing needs a few adjustments.
    • Hollymon: Haha, looks like Audino is the new Delibird. Some people might find it off-putting that you talk about Brattler eating a specific other Pokemon, but there are precedents for that in official Dex entries, so it's fine with me. Audino is an interesting pick, since it's known for its hearing and Brattler uses sound to lure prey. I like these entries, but there are a couple of things that could be fixed. First, you should be consistent about calling it "it," instead of "Brattler" or "he". Second, the choice of Audino as its prey is a little problematic, since you just said in the previous sentence that it lures smaller Pokemon. This isn't necessarily a contradiction, but it sure looks like one, and I recommend you fix that by scrapping either the word "smaller" or the mention of Audino. Also, I would just say "Audino" instead of "the Pokemon Audino," since it looks awkward when anyone reading it will know what you mean anyway. I don't think mentions of other Pokemon in official Dex entries ever say "the Pokemon".
    • Quanyails: There are some good species names in this thread, but "Bad Seed" is my favourite. This is a good submission overall, but I'm not quite sure what I think of the BW2 entry. "Whisper[ing] lies" sounds a little too human for my liking, even if I assume that you mean it tells them to other Pokemon. Come to think of it, I don't think the games have ever said very much about how Pokemon communicate, though of course they all understand each other in the anime. Anime canon ought to be enough to make that okay, but there might still be a better way to word this. I would also consider scrapping the semicolon and making this two sentences, but that might just be my subjective preference.
    • P2X7: Good entries. I would only suggest a couple of small adjustments. The Black entry shouldn't refer to both Pokemon in the second sentence as "it". This is a rare case where it's better to use "Brattler". And this might be overly nitpicky, but I'm just a little bothered by the double "grow" in the White entry. "As it becomes stronger," maybe? Otherwise these look fine to me.
    I won't pretend this didn't take longer than I thought it would. Hopefully I wasn't too nitpicky.
  10. Hollymon

    Hollymon

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    Final Submission

    Brattler the Lure Pokemon

    Black: By vibrating the seeds on its tail, it produces a melodious sound to lure prey before it strikes.

    White: The colour of its body allows it to blend in with the forest. It attacks prey using its surprisingly powerful jaws.

    BW2: Using the rattle on its tail, it lures pokemon so it can eat them. It has a known taste for Audino.

    I decided to call Brattler the "Lure pokemon" as its evo Malaconda is the "Temptation pokemon". I think lure sounds more childish than temptation so I decided to give it that species name. It's black entry is more focused on the "Dark type", "rattle" and "lure" parts of Brattler and how it lures prey, while the white entry is about the "Grass type" and his way of attacking. For the BW2 entry I summed up the Black and White entry and also adds more detail in the fact that it likes to eat Audino. I chose Audino as it is like a treat for Brattler as they are rare and to show that Brattler can take on bigger pokemon than himself. I also got a comment about how Audino is known for its hearing and that Brattler uses sound to lure its prey. I don't know if that was positive or negative but I viewed it as though Brattler is cunning and can even draw in pokemon known for hearing. This all emphasises Brattlers dark type.
    PoJ likes this.
  11. scorpdestroyer

    scorpdestroyer is a pious radio
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    Final Submission

    Brattler, the Mischief Pokemon

    Black: Its body patterns allow it to slither along the forest floor unnoticed. When the fruit on its tail ripens, it is ready for evolution.

    White: It dances mesmerizingly to confuse weaker foes, before attacking them for fun. If defeated, the fruit on its tail becomes shriveled.

    BW2: When alarmed, the fruit on its tail sways violently. Despite looking harmless and innocent, it likes to bully Pokemon of a lesser size.

    ------
    Mischief was the species name I chose, as Brattler looks cheeky, is cheeky according to the above entries, and its name is made up of "brat" which is a mischievous, ill-behaved child.

    I interpreted the seeds as little grape thingies or a fig, or something. I decided on making my entries based around the fruit of Brattler's tail, since it is pretty much its defining trait.

    So I formatted the Black pokedex entry because Brattler is supposedly a little brat and since Malaconda's entry depicts it in a forest, I decided Brattler would be cunning and lives in the forest. And since its body patterns happen to match the forest floor nicely, I thought why not? As for the fruit ripening, I did this with reference to how some pokedex entries referred to the evolution process, especially Exeggcute's Pokedex entry. They were similar in terms of how they were both plant-ish and fruitish, and its Gen 3 Pokedex entry states that when more cracks appear, it is close to evolution. The fruits ripening also depicts maturity, from a bullying brat to a malicious anaconda.

    As for White, I took reference to how the name "Brat" means a badly behaved child. The artwork of Brattler also convinced me that it could dance due to its body curving slightly, and the attacking for fun part is with reference to brat. Once I again I decided to go back to the fruit which would shrivel when defeated.

    For B2W2, its tail expanding is pretty much a reference to how rattlesnakes in real life react when they are alarmed.
  12. NinjaStars

    NinjaStars

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    Final Submission

    Brattler, the Snake Pokemon

    Black: This Pokemon is very aggressive.They are known to attack any Pokemon. Because of that, no Pokemon likes Brattler.

    White: This Pokemon has a fear of insects, so humans bring Bug type Pokemon when they go in Brattler's territory.

    BW2: This Pokemon's tail is made out of seeds. Since every tail is different, no two Brattler are alike.

    I called Brattler the Snake Pokemon. It is a snake. No questions there.

    Its Black entry says that is aggressive and hostile and since it snakes are hostile.

    The White entry relates to how it has bug type weakness just like in CAP.

    The black entry says that the seeds on Brattler's tail are unique.
  13. P2X7

    P2X7

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    Final Submission

    Brattler, the Seed Pokemon

    Black: It lures prey by hiding in trees and dangling the seeds on its tail. When an unsuspecting Pokémon draws near, Brattler drops down upon it.

    White: It is born without any seeds on its tail. As it becomes stronger, more seeds will grow.

    BW2: If planted, a seed from its tail will grow into a tree that bears golden fruit.

    So, I decided to call Brattler the "Seed Pokémon", because the seeds on its tail seem to be an important part of its design IMO, which is also why I put so much emphasis
    on the seeds in the pokedex entries. The Black entry shows a way of hunting prey, using its tail to trick its prey with the promise of food, and then ambushing it, which
    emphasizes its Dark typing. The White entry shows similarities with real rattlesnakes, as they are born with only a "pre-button" that is replaced with the "button" when it
    first sheds its skin. The BW2 entry is a bit of an "easter egg" referencing the seeds on Brattler's tail changing into the apple on Malaconda's when it evolves.
  14. Quanyails

    Quanyails
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    Final Submission

    Brattler, the Bad Seed Pokémon

    Black: Basking from a tree branch is its favorite activity. From there, it can photosynthesize and ambush prey from above.

    White: It hisses moments before it ambushes prey. Its bites are known to paralyze victims for weeks.

    BW2: It loathes those who try to befriend it. It will create hostility to pain others and isolate itself.

    Reworded the B2/W2 entry and made a minor change to the Black one. Previous explanation:
    Comments:
    • Hollymon: All right, then. With the technical aspects edited and a justification confirmed, your entries are clear by me. :)
    • scorpdestroyer: They sound good to go. :)
    • NinjaStars: You have an extra space after 'aggressive' in your Black entry, "bug type" lacks a capital and dash, and "territory" is missing a period after it. You are inconsistent with the accents over your 'e's in "Pokemon". In terms of content, I like how you have one entry that is one sentence long, one that's two, and one that's three. I'm iffy about the B2/W2 entry, since it's a stretch for my imagination. It's not technically incorrect, so there's no need to change it.
    • P2X7: Your Black entry just makes it in the limit of 25 words. I'd rather not have an entry reach upon it at all, especially since your other two entries are shorter. Besides this, I have no qualms about your entries. :)
    PoJ likes this.
  15. The Steam Punk

    The Steam Punk

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    Final Submission

    Brattler, the Sneaky Pokemon

    Black: It uses the leaf on its head to blend with surrounding foliage, making it nearly invisible in the forest.

    White: The seeds on its tail are hollow. It rattles them together to intimidate opponents.

    BW2: Though it prides itself on its tail seeds, it will resort to eating them if other food is scarce. They grow back quickly.
  16. DetroitLolcat

    DetroitLolcat Maize And Blue Badge Set :)
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    Hear ye, hear ye! It's time to move on to the penultimate poll series for Brattler!

    Thank you all for putting in the effort to make some cool Dex Entries! Polls will open soon!
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