it's a lot of fun pseudo-trolling topics with various happenings in my life so im thinking it's going to be even more fun posting them all here as they come to me, if you care then youll probably get some insight into the man behind the tight pants and lack of punctuation but if you dont care then just troll my topic or something whatever man youre the boss i really really need to clean my room. well actually no i need to find a way to not let my room repeatedly turn into a shithole. i spent an hour cleaning it before my girlfriend comes over but then by the next day its a sty again. i dont really like going to her house either as its much quieter over here. my closet is so full of dumb nerdy shit that i hid away when i started dating this girl and nine months later i havent brought it back out because im too lazy to have to put it back in. oh and its full of a bunch of yugioh cards. fuck speaking of which my girlfriend told me she googled my name recently and found all the shit about my doing well at yugioh tournaments. really, really fucking embarrassing. i felt like i was going to puke. she seemed to just think it was funny and cute, and didnt seem to look down on me at all for it which im thoroughly surprised about. its so weird, nerdiness has always been like the one thing ive been self-conscious about in my life even though its pretty much the most irrational one to have. nerdiness has permeated every scene; last indie show i went to i spent half an hour debating with two hipsters on whether chrono cross was better than chrono trigger (it is btw), and i play wow with a couple kids from dishouse. dishouse is a house where ten or so punks from my city squat, named after the band discharge. naming a house after a band is fucking retarded. we get it. youre punk rock. shut the fuck up. but whatever, most of them are cool guys. and like i said i play wow with a couple of them. the one im closest friends with who is also in the band germ attak got his girlfriend to go to the harry potter midnight release so he could play a show. so yeah, everyone else is a nerd, i dont know why im so self-conscious about it. i guess its cause i worry that my girlfriend is way too hot for me. even though she is getting a little pudgy. whatever. i kinda felt relieved once the heat of the moment died down though. it was like a weight was lifted. she didnt really care and it made me happy. then i ate her out. ive decided i want to be a free lance scenic photographer. national geographic basically runs my life and as corny as it sounds some of the pictures really take me to another place. i cant imagine how brilliant it would be to not only be in said places but to make other people feel like i do when i see a picture of a giant buddha statue or some virtually untouched jungle. not very lucrative but whatever im building an apartment in my back yard with my dad and renting everything out, money is sort of a non-issue, at least in the long term. were broke as fuck now though, at least until my grandfather dies. theres a hole in my pants and the walk home tonight was fucking cold. i was watching porn yesterday and it was what i thought was this chick sucking some guy's dick. it was pretty hot. then i noticed it was just a really, really effeminate guy. that made me rather uncomfortable. my dog passed away last thursday. one of the saddest days of my life. ive had her for twelve years. there really isnt much to say. we cleaned up her blood with bleach. my living room still smells faintly of it and it brings me to tears when i get a good whiff of it and am not in the mood for pretending to be tough. losing my dog saddened me more than losing my aunt a couple years ago to cancer. its really fucked up. i guess its because you cant really feel betrayed by your dog. dogs are like humans who you can put faith in because you know they wont become embittered by stupid shit. shes on my back porch bundled up in her favourite blanket, frozen now from the cold winter. were going to bury her in our back yard. its going to be fucking hard physically due to the frozen ground and emotionally for obvious reasons. i wanted her to at least survive until i went on my trip so i could say my goodbyes before i left. it surprises me that i can think of something and tear up. 4chan really isnt as bad as most of you think it is and i would like to know for sure how many well known smogonites are closet /b/tards im supposed to be going to australia this month followed by singapore, both of which to visit family. im more scared than ive ever been about anything. im scared about leaving the first girl ive ever been in love with for four or so months. shes more scared about it than i am, but im scared for different reasons. i dont want to see my family. theyre my moms family. my moms from singapore. i know i dont look half asian, but i am. anyways, her family scares me. i almost never see them, the ones that live in singapore and australia ive never even met before. i want them to be a part of my life, i really do. i just worry that ill feel as though i dont belong. my mom died when i was two, and as stupid as it sounds, i kinda feel like without her to link us together, its like i dont deserve to be around them. i dont know. im making excuses. i dont know why but its really fucking scary. ive never been travelling before but ive been saving for this trip since i was nine years old, putting away a couple bucks from my allowance a week. i dont want things to change. my dad got me a really cool swiss army knife for my birthday. its got a fucking alarm clock in it. dont front. i have been reading old calvin and hobbes books for what must be like the tenth time now and enjoying every page. for some reason i dont go out and buy new ones. i just recycle them every year or so. i had an urge a month ago to start drinking. that urge has subsided. it still feels kind of lonely at parties not drinking or doing drugs or smoking or anything. i just wish i knew what it was like. but its at the point now where id feel like i was abandoning values that i really didnt realize i had. i just didnt drink. now it feels like deep down i have some opposition to it. i dont like that. i dont like finding out new biases i have. its like when you get mugged by a bunch of black guys and then the next time you see one you cross the street and afterwards feel ashamed of yourself. why the fuck are we like that. juicy squirts are a pretty lame gummy candy. im a sucker for gummy candies and you simply cannot compare them with those real fruit gummies from whatever the fuck company makes them. theyre absurdly expensive but if its at the point where its putting a strain on your wallet then chill the fuck out fatso you spend way too much money on candy. ill be honest i got really fucking scared when i got in shit with aeolus. this forum means a lot more to me than i thought it did, and i already thought it meant a lot. i cant wait to quit my job. being a butcher is fucking terrible. i hate meat. well no, i dont. i love chicken. hamburgers are sweet too. i really dont like steak though. im gonna miss using huge knives. if people think this is some stupid egocentric bullshit kholdstaire thread i swear to fucking god im never posting in firebot again i think im going to grow long hair again. last time i had long hair i was a skinny little ninth grader. now that im older and a boxer, i think i can pull it off without looking like a wuss. though id really need facial hair, as long hair + tight pants + a bubble butt as nice as mine might cause some confusion. i really need to buy more deodorant. its at the point where the plastic stick that i guess supports the block of deoderant is poking out from the remnants of said block and scratching the fuck out of my armpit unless i apply it at a certain angle. life is hard. i want to be a risk taker. i spent a hundred bucks on a new tv when my old one broke and i havent even fucking used it yet. its been three months. what a waste. i have one of those hairs on my arm thats much longer, blacker, and thicker than the rest of them. im scared to pull it out because im a pussy. i need more music in my life, i havent found any new bands in forever. i also need more silence in my life, i dont think enough. i really need to hurry up and hit 70, but i really hate playing unrested. im excited for getting back from my trip, as i have a job lined up at american apparel. im the kind of indiefuck who will walk into american apparel, act way too cool to shop there, ridicule the music they play, then buy a couple things and listen to the same bands on my way home. getting the job there made me feel like some cog in the stupidest, most superficial fucking machine ever built. they hire almost 100% based on looks. as illegal as it is you have to send some pictures in with your resume, and you have to fill out some application for with retarded questions like 'what makes your style unique'. you have to wear all their clothes when you work there. uniqueness isnt a fucking issue. DURRR IM UNIQUE CAUSE I WEAR MY CLOTHES TIGHT. god those people are pathetic. i cant wait to make fun of them as coworkers instead of as people selling me clothes. plus i get a 50% discount. ballin. winter sucks i really need to ride my bike. ive been scared to make a club sandwich ever since i almost burned my house down a couple weeks ago making bacon. im going through withdrawal. i had a dream where my girlfriend cheated on me with her best friend who is a girl. that was really awkward. and not hot at all. i was heartbroken. but then in another dream i had that night we went climbing mountains together. it was refreshing. threat neutralized. id like to be a childrens book author. round two my boss is so fucking incompetent. i really cannot believe he made it so far up the ladder. hes let a couple thousand dollars worth of meat rot over the past couple weeks. i dont really care about the company losing money, it just breaks my fucking heart being the one to have to throw it out and then walk past a homeless person on my way home. it makes me feel evil. not even evil in the greedy sense, the kind of cartoonish supervillainy where the guy ties the girl up on the railroad track and cackles. evil for the sake of being evil. even though it isnt my fault i still feel like i could be doing something. i eat these kraft dinner microwaveable cup things. theyre almost as good as real kraft dinner and all you have to do is put some water in them, nuke them for three minutes, then pour on some cheese powder shit. i leave my fork in the cup when im done and it makes the cup fall over due to the weight. over a day or so the fork sticks to the cup due to the cheese and resembles a leg of sorts, and i make two of them move like theyre the dismembered legs of a pro dancer. flavoured water seems to be comprised almost entirely of aftertaste. due to an argument with my dad my bigheadedness caused me to pay for the home phone. im too stubborn to admit i was wrong and save myself thrity dollars a month. ive always been tempted to take more than one vitamin c caplet a day. a girl my girlfriend is really jealous of got me two pairs of colourful underwear for christmas. i havent told my girlfriend and it kind of makes me feel like im doing something wrong but since theres nothing between me and this girl i figure im just saving her from grief. i found some of my clothes from when i was a kid and wish desperately that they still fit me. its too hard to find hats that resemble dragon heads nowadays. the fashion industry needs some serious revamping by a toddler. my dad's friend once gave me a broadsword as a gift for some reason or another. i have no fucking idea why. it was rather weird. it was a cool sword though. my dad suggested i call him and thank him, which i did. he wasnt there so i left a message thanking him for the sword. i then realized i had called the wrong number. someone was probably really confused and disturbed. at work the other day i found a jar of pickes on the floor, opened, with a bite taken out of a pickle. sometimes i pretend im from the past and marvel at things like a man in india helping me with my computer. one thing i don't think i'll ever understand is people who don't say 'thank you'. like how the fuck can you go through life, be twice my age, and not know your manners. it really puts me in a bad mood, but even when im in that bad mood, im still polite. im not a super hero, either! fucking jerks. i view pennies as ultimately worthless. i dont really know why, but even a nickle seems infinitely more valuable to me than a penny even though its only 400% more. about a week ago i put a buck twenty five into a drink machine outside an arcade i go to and pressed the button for lemonade. nothing came out. i was really angry and started shaking it. no luck. a few days later when i went back i decided to try my luck again buying lemonade, and it worked. there was also a dollar twenty five in quarters in the change slot. that was the closest i have ever come to believing in a higher power. i look in the mirror and admire myself more often than i think i should. i also look in the mirror and feel unattractive more often than i think i should. i cant stop stroking my face where my sideburns used to be. its so foreign to me. it feels like ive had sideburns forever. i miss having scabs. being a little kid was fucking awesome, youd get scabs all the time and could pick them to your hearts content. i can't remember the last time i had a sizeable scab. i need to change banks because now that im nineteen my paychecks get reduced due to taxes. i cant tell if ive been putting it off because im lazy or because i cant deal with the fact that im nineteen. my living room still smells like bleach. i bought new deodorant and it smells really weird compared to my old stuff, i think im going to stick to armpit scratchery. i am going to update this thread when my brain fills up again with nonsense. round three spending about 40 hours in airports and on airplanes only to arrive an extra day in the future is a very confusing process and it really makes you question our concept of time. not in a bullshit hippie way, just in a way similar to when you go into a hotel and see they have a bunch of different clocks with the times of various locations on the planet and sometimes for a split second you'll think 'whoa how did they do that?!?!' but then it hits you that you're retarded. i had the worst shock of my life a few days back. i plugged my electric razor into the outlet in the bathroom, using a voltage converter, and proceeded to get a feeling similar to what i imagine getting your hand smashed with a hammer must be like. i then fell to to the floor and had to wait about 5 minutes for my hand to stop shaking. it makes you angry to be a human when you're in a setting wherein you have absolutely none of the problems you have normally, yet instead of being completely happy your mind moves onto more petty problems like wanting to go to the beach but being self-conscious about your lack of a tan. what the fuck is that. i woke up this morning to the sound of an old korean man playing 'ode to my family' by the cranberries on acoustic guitar. it brought me to tears. hostels have this aura of brotherhood to them that makes me feel like i'm in 1984 hanging out with the proles. you don't know pain until a pretty girl in a toque kisses you and you have to tell her you can't because you have a girl back home. i've made a few friends but sometimes i worry that i'm just a novelty because i'm a foreigner, and then i worry that i'm only a novelty to some of my friends back home on some level i don't realize yet. there is a feeling that wells up in your stomach when you see people you would like to get to know, and it becomes so powerful that it becomes very difficult to go through with even though there are virtually no reprocussions, but once you finally go through with it and tell them 'i'm new here, will you take me on an adventure?' the feeling changes to one of such intense joy that by the time you're hanging out at a harbor with your feet in the water you feel like you were born with these people. you don't need to be in a foreign country to approach people on the street and see if they're interested in being your friend, and it took me 19 years to realize that. there is something about living on $25 a day that makes you happier about the kettle water finally having boiled so you can pour it into your bowl of ramen with spicy beef flavouring than you've ever been about anything in your life. either the world is big and you are small or the world is small and you are big. i see a downside to neither. the only thing better than waking up in a park with the sun in your eyes surrounded by strange looking birds is if during that nap you dreamed that you and your friend created a band called noah's shark and the shark was the drummer. round four arriving in foreign cities can be a drag when you don't know where to go but when two ex-banana farmers named shigeki and kazuya show up and take you to the beach and show you some surfing tricks, you fall in love with everything. cairns is a very sad city because it seems to be only for people who are visiting. it's like when the foreign exchange student is staying at your house and your mom treats them amazingly and you're kinda left in the dust, only times one million, and forever. i'm in perth now and i met my mom's cousin. we talked on the phone first and she said 'by the way marcus, i don't look anything like your other asian cousins, i'm half indian'. and i thought to myself 'fuck, does that make me half as bad as cloud?' this is my first experience with family since my dad's side was basically eaten in a lust for money, and it's very overwhelming. i suddenly have a massive extended family who loves me. i found out that my mom wasn't pure singaporean; she's a small part scottish and a small part thai and malay and chinese as well. i'm basically shanghai noon the person. i became close to the banana farmers i met, and they gave me two places to stay in japan when i go there in a few weeks. there is this unspoken bond between backpackers that's more powerful than anything you can imagine. any loneliness you feel from being away from everything you know is extinguished by the collective will of you and people around you to make the entire world your home. there's no stopping you. you can do anything. my family is very rich and it scares me. my father and i live on about a thousand dollars a month back home, and a cousin of mine over here has four motorbikes. man, and here i thought i was cool, i only have three. i have this desire to see ayer's rock while i'm in australia. whether it's the existential hum of the stupid traveller who wants to absorb absolutely everything he can despite not understanding it (if you call it ayer's rock, you don't understand it) or some deeper, almost spiritual desire to see something meaningful, i don't know. i haven't really done any tours. not only can i not afford it, but i have no interest in seeing gimmicks that tourists just eat up. who fucking cares about seeing things? it's not as though i've used up all the beauty at home in my nineteen years; there's beauty all around, i don't need to go all the way around the world to watch things. i came here to be things. i came here to be a person with a wider understanding of the world around me than i could be at home. i came here to be a person who doesn't need the internet, only really, really wants it. i came here to be someone who asked the pretty girl who works at the internet cafe downtown out to coffee as friends because even though he has a girlfriend he can never have too many attractive female friends. when i grow up and have children of my own, i'll want them to know that in my life i was many things, not just that i have seen many things. any man can lay claim to the latter. i was in my hostel room in cairns about a week ago and two twenty-somethings walked into the room and shook my hands. they were from america. one was built like a fucking tank. i thought mean thoughts about muscleheaded jocks. i have never been more happy to be wrong. the burly one and i had some discussions about the treatment of australian aboriginees and the merits of backpacking and all that, and it came out that the two of them were orthodox jews. i had so many questions and was so eagre to learn, and he happily answered all of them. it's funny how you can learn things like that in australia. the night before i had roomed with a german fellow. he was wondrous. we took a break from eating a dollar worth of ramen for dinner and treated ourselves to some croc steak. the world is very tasty. i think we are making animals extinct for the wrong reasons. the night before that i roomed with another german fellow. he was very interested in listening to angry german music and hating george bush and not really very interested in thinking about things nor loving the world around him enough to try to change it. my dead mother's name is ruth, and i want to get RUTHLESS tattooed on my body somewhere. the only problem is that it would be basically for me alone, and everyone else would think i was just trying to be tough. my dad suggested i get it on my knuckles. if you know my dad, you would undrstand that he was completely serious. i think we're all just trying to be tough. life must be different for people who are able to look out to the ocean. even if they don't realize it their minds must make some connection that on the other side is something beautiful and essentially incomprehensible. it must be lovely. i get the feeling sometimes that australia is a country that only pretends to like me because i have money to give it. australia would make a bad friend. at least canada is uninviting enough to not be tricky about it. i saw kangaroos eating flowers in a cemetary and could simply not believe that so many people just walked by without even giving the scene a second look. i guess most things are only special to the ignorant when they're new. i hope i never forget that a rose is still a rose even if i've seen it a million times. soy milk's main purpose is to make your first taste of real milk in a couple weeks so enjoyable you almost blow your load. why anyone has an interest in space travel when the world is so vast and incalcuble is beyond me. i know sometimes it feels like nothing makes any sense, but that's just your brain being lazy. for every mile i travel my mind travels ten. and my heart always follows. i was digging a booger out and happened to pull a nose hair with it. i swear to god i almost cried. seeing how beautiful a big family is makes me understand and respect organized religion in a way i couldn't even imagine before. round five my first night in tokyo involved being unable to find a hostel, and, as such, wandering around downtown trying to find a cheap hotel. i finally setlled on 8000 yen. it was a gorgeous place and the toilet seat was heated, which gave me a... surprise. also it was my first bidet experience, and my question to more experienced bidet users is this: are they supposed to be that... focused? rape isnt the right word, but its the first word that comes to mind. my second night in tokyo involved hanging out with two new york hipsters and discussing the internet as a metaphysical entity while i watched them shoot heroin, which was a bit scary. i got propositioned by 5 prostitutes in the span of about 10 minutes... is it wrong to think to yourself FUCK IM A STUD when that happens? i yearn for the countryside. the big city is nice but i cant handle it for too long. there was one day where the main ginza street was closed off and people put out benches on the road. for the first time in my life i heard the thundering roar of a thousand simultaneous footsteps and my brain almost exploded. the silence considering the multitudes of people is just unreal. the other night i met a caribbean chick and a latino guy and we wanted to go gambling at around midnight but couldnt find any slot places open, so we went to a tiny bar. i had water. we met these 3 locals who spoke almost no english, and spent about 6 hours trying to converse with them. one of them owned his own clothing company and was a brilliant artist and we talked about banksy in broken english and broken japanese. the fact that happiness is so easy to convey regardless of language difficulties really gives you faith in the world. i went to harajuku and bought these shoes that are like punk meets warlock. i also saw a lot of harajuku girls, they didnt hollaback though. loligoth is probably the most frightening fashion trend ever concieved. the lights here burn with an urgency thats like a constant reinforcement that the world would suddenly stop if they were to die out. i found a netcafe that was 400 yen for the first hour and 100 yen for every subsequent 15 minutes. what a deal lol i was hungering for a sweet pastry and went to a local confectionary. i found a bun with sugar on top and decided that that was what i wanted. upon taking a bite i found it was filled with savoury bean paste. what the fuck, japan. sometimes i worry that my interest in politeness, japanese culture, and the language is just overly stupid-white-man, and not really appreciated. i got a job working for this old woman, keeping her garden alive. life is good. language means everything. this is a completely different trip than australia in ways that i cannot possibly describe. my hostel is located behind a small amusement park and when you forget that it is and wake up to the sound of little girls screaming, you get fucking scared. round six i had my first taste of alcohol from a vending machine in tokyo with two scottsmen. beer is fucking gross, you people are retarded. i'm pretty glad i tried it though, i don't feel like a particularly different person, and it was a learning experience. i hope things go this smoothly with you, thunderpup. i met this korean guy named john who my fellow travellers and i aptly deemed 'the porn king'; he showed us a six story porn shop in akihabara where each level got more an more intense. floor one is your average shit. floor two is where the weird fetishes come in and noobs begin to get uncomfortable. floor three is where i puked a little in my mouth. floor four was where there was a section labeled 'attackers' that involved a man setting a woman on fire. i didnt go any higher. according to the journal i have been keeping i met people from a total of 17 different countries throughout my trip. if i get my shit together i will make a thread talking in depth about the people i remember most. i don't usually drink coffee but i developed an afinity for the myriad of iced coffee brands they sell in japan. my favourite would have to be blendy, if only because of the cute name. i also ate this candy called crunky. if i got my crunky on and my blendy on in the same day, nothing could go wrong. it is unbelievable how cheaply one can live if he doesn't mind sacrificing a fuck of a lot. for three nights and two days where i had no money, i slept in parks and ate eggs that i would cook in hostel kitchens. over those three days i consumed slightly over 100 yen total, which is a dollar, worth of food. i got an email from my mom's aunt, who lives in thailand; she had heard from my mom's cousin, with whom i stayed in perth, that i was in tokyo, and she told me that her and her husband were in tokyo on business for the next 3 days and wanted to see me. i happily obliged. we met and had lunch and hit it off very well, they were great people. i learned more about my mom and got a letter from my aunt that my mom wrote to her a few months before her death, as well as a photo of her and me. it was really touching. my aunt's name is lorna, and her and her husband glenn (!) live in thailand. they seemed quite well off to me, but then glenn brought up that he works for best western, and that he's in charge of every single best western in asia. he said he could get me a job at a best western anywhere under his control, which is an opportunity unlike anything i ever thought i would recieve. he also told me that whenever i wanted, he would buy a ticket to thailand for me and i could stay with them for as long as i want. so i think in a year or two i'll head up there and see more of asia. it's very... strange to be given something that big after saving your entire life to afford a trip like that. humbling, i guess. speaking of which, this trip has changed me in a way i'm not sure how i feel about; i now have an interest in money. before my trip i had no interest in it, really. i have simple needs and simple desires and spend most of my money on my girlfriend, having no real use for it myself. now i want money so i can travel again and again and again. i guess it's not really greed, which is good, it's just a priority shift. travelling is the first thing i've learned to experience as an end. it is not a means. school is a means to an end, work, which is a means to an end, money, which is a means to an end that i don't consider a means; travel. it is enriching and life-changing in a way that the future doesn't matter and for once you can actually just enjoy the fucking moment. there's nothing else. scottish accents are fucking ridiculous. it actually sounds like a different language, i swear to god. i had a dream last night that my friend was dating sarah silverman and i was REALLY fucking jealous because i was in love with her or something. thing is i dont think shes very attractive and am only mildly entertained by her comedy. what is going on here. on the plane ride home i watched a movie that i later found out was called 'cyborg she'. it was a sci-fi/comedy/romance/drama about a cyborg chick from the future who comes to hang out with this teenage guy and like solves hostage situations and shit to make him happy. it sounds stupid as fuck but it was actually one of the most touching movies i've ever seen, i highly recommend it, if only for the adorable dubbing with gems like "you are great! you are my girlfriend!". the thumbs up that accompanies that line will bring a smile to your face. my home seems more beautiful than ever before and even after a month shows no signs of losing its lustre. i think i solved my biggest problem just by refusing to acknowledge it as a problem. this doesn't seem like my world. girlfriends and jobs and university don't seem like concerns of mine; i still feel stuck in a world where my concerns were where i was going to sleep that night and how sad that my scottish friends had left to go back home. i feel very distanced from everything, but not necessarily in a bad way. it gives me some perspective. i recommend travelling alone. travelling with someone means you're always with someone but travelling alone doesn't mean you're always alone. friends are wherever you want them to be. when you buy instant noodles from the corner store and the guy gives you a fork instead of chopsticks your heart shatters into a million fucking pieces and your noodles taste like something a dog shit out after being assfucked by a rhino. your hometown has more light to it than you think it does; after all, it made you into who you are, and you turned out alright, didn't you? round seven it is very hard to love someone who feels that they do not deserve to be loved. there is nothing more heartbreaking than loving someone who, after almost two years of trying to make them feel as good about themselves as you know they deserve to feel, still deep down does not understand why you're wasting your time on them. nothing makes you feel more feeble. working as a busser in a busy restaurant has two interesting flavours; a desire to be a waiter, and a desire to kill all the waiters. i was supposed to go out for supper with some friends last night, when i was alerted that one of them was stuck in an elevator. after two hours he finally got out due to a call from his ex-girlfriend and her alarmed question 'did you press the emergency button?' the many worlds theorum dictates that if you buy a lottery ticket and set up a machine that kills you the moment the numbers are announced and you don't win, then in every single universe where you lost you would die. in every single universe where you won, you would still be alive. you'd aso be rich. suicide as a method of life improvement? money is so relative that i have almost no desire to be rich. after having literally no money for the longest time, being able to go the store and buy myself some beef jerky was just such a rewarding experience that i see no reason to live the high life. there is this girl at work who is a manager and she is so pretty and always stressed out but still friendly that i just want to take her to a lovely beach somewhere and give her a seashell. alan turing, the man who is essentially the father of computer science, was found guilty of sexual activity with another male. he was to undergo chemical castration as punishment, but instead killed himself by lacing an apple with cyanide, in the vein of snow white (a story he loved), and taking a bite out of it. apple, the company, claims their logo is a reference to the apple that fell on newton's head, but let's be reasonable; newton didn't take a bite out of his apple. i did sudoku for the first time in almost a year and found myself taking 3 times as long to do a puzzle than the last time i did it. brain age is a shitty game for assholes. i want to buzzcut my hair again but i hate hats so i don't think i can handle the cold. i've come to the realization that my hatred of hats springs from this pathetic narcissism that permeates every fashion choice i make and tells me i'm too pretty to cover my head with a hat. i am going to be twenty in three days and i worry that this means i will have to become a model person. my favourite pair of basketball shoes have gotten so old and broken that they are unwearable. i cut out the entire back and most of the top of them and now wear them as slippers. there's something so euphoric about not having a cell phone and being unreachable whenever you want to be. i don't think i'm going to get a new one for awhile.