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Jellitales

Discussion in 'Smogon's Greatest Hits' started by Fatecrashers, Mar 26, 2012.

  1. Fatecrashers

    Fatecrashers acta est fabula
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    so, i was going to go to sleep, when my roomie awoke and proposed another round of boozing
    not one to turn down more booze, i agreed, but noted that we would need more booze first

    drunkenly, i traveled down to pathmark with the goal of getting some soda first

    it was cold and windy, so much so that when i flicked a cig it flitted through the air like link's little fairy friend

    it was a long walk, but i happened to be traveling behind a cute chick with a nice ass, so it was at least the scenic route

    anyway, i got my various sodas from pathmark and, after downing some diet orange soda, i continued on to the cigar shop
    which is by a strip joint, and i got to talk briefly to some strippers with vodka who said it was "really hot in there"

    unfortunately, the cigar shop was closed, and partially defeated, i continued on to the liquor store

    anyway, upon reaching the liquor store, i discovered they closed at 7 on mondays
    even though i got there at fucking 6:58, it was too late
    the chains were down and the woman inside just shrugged

    i began the long walk back, behind a bum

    was it the smell of a man who had just pooped his own pants, or the smell of my defeat?

    i knew not

    i passed a child riding on his father's shoulders
    "i'm a super hero" he declared boldly
    "shut up" his father replied
    i related a bit

    then suddenly, a man came jogging up to me

    "hey, hey, you, hey, you speak english, right? i mean, you look russian, but you speak english, right?"
    "yes, i speak english"
    "well, have i got some xanax for you!"
    "no thanks" i said, hoping to just brush him off
    "whoa, i'm really sorry man," he replied, "like, really sorry, i'm just trying to feed my kids. no offense, yo, no offense"
    "it's okay, none taken"

    he then walked into traffic and almost got hit by a car

    he patted said car and called out to the driver "yo, yo, no offense"
    then waited on the other side of the street for me to cross and continued walking with me and apologizing
    "i meant no offense, man, i'm just on xanax right now, so i don't know right from wrong. mind if i walk with you?"

    seriously!?

    so we walked together, and he told me that if, pardon any racist slurs here, it's just a quote

    "if any niggers try to rob you, don't worry, because i'm always around, and i'll just yell at them. if you just raise your voice, the niggers get scared off. you'll be fine"

    because apparently african americans are similar to BEARS

    anyway, i told him i was already stabbed, and he told me it's probably because i look russian
    which apparently i do

    we then passed a black man walking the other way, and he jogged over to him suddenly and declared
    "yo yo, hey, you, have i got some xanax for you!"
    the man's face lit up and they did a drug deal right on the fucking street

    i returned home, fingers so numb from the cold and the weight of my drinks that it pained me to get my keys
    and i came upstairs, hopped on chat, and bitched with numb fingers

    and now, i must figure out another liquor store in my area ;-;
    the end
    room for a sequel ^.^




    <ItsJellicent> i think i've found another liquor store that just might be open
    <ItsJellicent> thank you, google maps

    and thats why im posting this instead of him
  2. gookie

    gookie Adominnustrata
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    staying in the channel just for jellicent to come back and regale us with pt. 2
  3. Steamroll

    Steamroll resident zombie
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    Nothing wrong with city life, nothing at all...
  4. PK Gaming

    PK Gaming Pursuing My True Self
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    Wha

    I

    ...

    Bravo.
  5. Snorlaxe

    Snorlaxe 2 kawaii 4 u
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    FUCK i wish random people would try to sell me xanax on the street talk about spicing up an otherwise boring day
  6. kittenmay

    kittenmay

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    Never a dull moment, eh?
  7. Zacchaeus

    Zacchaeus
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    Hahaha
  8. Jellicent

    Jellicent ~the spirit who loves spirits~
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    The Quest For More Booze 2: the sequel
    still by Jellicent
    no ghost writers here, folks

    so, after warming up a bit and discussing the general whoriness of mai valentine, i set off on my way

    without making it off my fucking street, i ran into a gothic looking prostitute
    "Looking for a good time?"
    "No thanks," I lied. "I hate good times."

    it was colder, and windier, but the walk was quite thankfully much shorter
    i was sobering up a rapid rate
    was i shivering from the cold, or did i just have the post-bender shakes?
    either way, i made it to my destination

    Fine Wines and Good Liquor

    liquor was all i wanted, but good liquor
    i couldn't be more excited

    there were automatic doors, in philly no less
    truly this was a high class joint

    i made my way to the vodka aisle and looked for my blue baby
    a sale on handles of skyy, and just one bottle remaining

    this luck could not be better

    i got carded, for the first time in a long time
    clearly this was not my regular stop

    even though i'm 80 pounds lighter than i was in my pic of me at 17, and i wasn't dressed like a raver kid (actually, i looked quite dapper)
    the woman didn't give it a second glance

    actually, she didn't give a first glance

    she saw that i had a license and was chill with it

    it took a few drunken swipes to make my debit card work, but when it made a magical boopityboop, i knew success was mine

    i strolled home, ipod blasting Orange Juice
    skinny white boy funk was the only thing that perfectly suit my marvelous mood

    upon coming inside, i quickly switched to comfy jammies and downed a shot

    russian warmth, save my frigid body


    it was then that i noticed my roomie drinking
    turns out, we had booze all along
    but now...
    we have more!
    the end
    ^.^
  9. Chill Murray

    Chill Murray get well soon jacoby..

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    LIK DIS IF YOU CRIE EVERTIM
  10. Danilo

    Danilo
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    this is one of the greatest threads ive ever seen
  11. coolbiz

    coolbiz

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    i dont even...just... african americans and bears... Oh my?
  12. kittenmay

    kittenmay

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    Lost my shit
  13. DM

    DM Ce soir, on va danser.
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    OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    now I get EVERYTHING
  14. waterwarrior

    waterwarrior

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    Apparently, it appears that Jellicent had fun once... And it was awful.

    Is it bad that this thread reminds me way too much of Harold & Kumar...?
  15. ozzy041093

    ozzy041093

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    Still a better love story than Twilight
  16. Steamroll

    Steamroll resident zombie
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    The movie took place in New Jersey and had many references to cities not too far from Philly (Cherry Hill, Mount Holly, Moorestown) so no it isn't a bad thing :P
  17. Oglemi

    Oglemi We broke it. Yes, we were naughty. Completely naughty.
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    Jelli I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love you
  18. NatGeo

    NatGeo sun's coming up
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    This is Jellicent every day rofl
  19. ala

    ala
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    nice story, but skyy vodka is terrible :(
  20. Pernicious

    Pernicious

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    these lines to me read kind of like jagged mutterings of a hard-boiled detective from an old-timey crime novel. or rambling muses of a modern teenager. either way i find them interesting and funny.

    i quite like these lines as well, they read very much like fluid sentences from a prose poem. the image of navi sparking out into the cold air is very striking (ha). the entire story as well has a nice flow to it combined with the interesting characters and quirky dialogue. have you thought about trying your numb hands at poetry? :toast:
  21. The Diverman

    The Diverman

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    I know right? The things Jellicent had to go through to get his liquor showed just how much he loves his alcohol. *tear* It's so beautiful.
  22. Fishy

    Fishy

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    "she saw that i had a license and was chill with it"

    because rounding up from 18 is basically 21

    gg philly

    ps vodka SUCKS but this story does not so it all works out!!!!!!
  23. Snorlaxe

    Snorlaxe 2 kawaii 4 u
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    dear everyone who says vodka sucks youre all retarded

    no but seriously i <3333 this thread
  24. shnen

    shnen שוני
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    ahaha jelli <3
  25. Danmire

    Danmire Ain't no mountain high enough
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    Will try to have this experience in college one day.

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