Let's Play Pokémon FireRed: Fuck Exposition





I'm bored, so I'm doing an LP of a game that's been LP'd many many times already. Let's get this over with, shall we?

Now, do we want to be a boy or a g-

[19:16:15] <@Phiddlesticks> girl
[19:16:17] <@Phiddlesticks> name: ALICE
[19:16:21] <@Phiddlesticks> rival: JACOB

Please aim your bile in Phiddlesticks' direction, not mine.



Well, that saved me some time. This is going to be the SPEEDRUN of LP's, I can feel it.



Who the fuck is Alice?


I shouldn't have said that.


Apparently VBA is also the world's shittiest NES emulator.


Don't forget your useless medicine, kids!


What a responsible mother. Honestly, who leaves the rearing of their child to a fucking television?


Oh, right, now I know why I had that Potion.


?????


Yes, it lets fat fucks like you and Sprinkles flash their dicks over the internet. What a concept.


Playing an 11-year-old girl means I have no idea how to write a caption for this, but let's assume she's going shopping like a stereotype.


Jesus fuck


Oh, it's not Professor Oak! It's Alf Stewart, taking me to his rape dungeon.


As you might imagine, someone named after a Twilight character is eager to be sodomized.

There's a bunch of exposition in this spot but I think you know what comes next, so:


Who do we go with, and what do we call them?
 
Well seadra is a neccesary team member, so squirtle is out. Also charizard has a mighty seismic toss, so i would go charmander.
 
Given that a whole four people picked Charmander to Bulbasaur's one...



Also, pookar gives me a theme to work with. BOO-URNS doesn't. Sorry Rodan.


As you can see, Cockbag here has made the strategic choice. Unfortunately, this is in-game where strategic choices mean jack shit.


Smell ya later, Cockbag.


Why would you even consider that


No, fuck off


Oh, you wanted a fight.


Redundancy!


Well, given the website I'm posting this on, it's safe to say that, yes, I have had a Pokémon battle before. Thanks for assuming.


OK pookar LET'S DO THIS SHIT


MAKE A NOISE AT HIM


TAKE THAT DEFENSE DROP


SCRATCH HIM WITH THOSE LONG, GIRLISH FINGERNAILS


SHIT YEAH


:pimp:



Cockbag, realizing he's trying to apply strategy to in-game Pokémon, steals my insult and leaves in a huff.


I then take my leave to Viridian City, where there will be some sort of fetch quest waiting for me there.


I could mention how this is the first step on a long journey, but let's just skip to the fighting, shall we?


Jesus fuck


It's a... pidgeon? No, it's not a pidgeon. I have no idea what this is, actually.


But whatever it is, it's in a better place now.


Especially since pookar is now practicing arson.



While I cure pookar, we are attacked by a giant purple rat.


He's a fast learner, isn't he?


Well, pookar's nearly dead again, so this gives me a cheap excuse to head to the Pokémon Center.


This particular line never fails to disturb me.


Onward!



Backward!


Why do these people know this




Told you.

On the way back:


:toast:


He's a complete psychopath, but, you know, we're getting along fine.


?????



Oh, hey, Cockbag. Nice job being bad as usual.



Burn the entire Breaking Dawn manuscript? I'd be glad to.


Oh.


Well, that's all well and good, but I can't catch them unless you give me some bloody Poké Balls.


Oh.



What an ungrateful little shit.



Now that we can finally catch Pokémon, I'll be taking some requests as to what the team should look like, assuming they're not 6 Magikarp/Pidgey/etc.
 

WaterBomb

Two kids no brane
is a Forum Moderatoris a Smogon Discord Contributoris a Battle Simulator Moderator Alumnus
I think you need a Wigglytuff for large Substitutes. Not really good for anything else, just large Substitutes. Might want to name it J-Lo because she wiggles her tuff all the time.

Also you'll need a spearow so you can trade it for a SLAVE farfetch'd
 
I love let's plays, I can never understand the hate they get

unless they suck and aren't funny of course.

You need a mother fucking top tier rattata!
 
I'm throwing a vote in for Mankey, go all kung-fu on Brock's ass. Also agreeing with the Nidoking vote above. Oh, and if you have some (read: a lot of) patience, Tauros would be pretty awesome too.
 
I'm throwing a vote in for Mankey, go all kung-fu on Brock's ass. Also agreeing with the Nidoking vote above. Oh, and if you have some (read: a lot of) patience, Tauros would be pretty awesome too.
Considering I have save states, I don't need much patience.

Also, I'm starting to get a bit of an idea as to what team I'll be going with. More to come later.
 

WaterBomb

Two kids no brane
is a Forum Moderatoris a Smogon Discord Contributoris a Battle Simulator Moderator Alumnus
I just had a brilliant idea - you need to get a Rhydon with Surf, T-Bolt, Ice Beam, and Flamethrower. Not only do you get supreme type coverage, but you will annihilate pokes with your monstrous Special Attack stat!

EDIT: But you'll be walled by Lanturn. Sad face.
 



This is how you catch one of those poke mons, right?


Guess so.


Credit to porygon3 since apparently Alch really does look like a pidgeon


We also catch a giant purple rat...


...and name it after the rattiest member on Smogon. (Credit to Phiddlesticks)


We continue on to Route 22, eager to softly softly catchee Mankey.


But first, we run into an mean Spearow.


And name it after an mean member. (Credit to The Smog)




Job done, let's head home. (Default nickname)


I suppose we should get Hazerider some medical attention first...


Apparently the Pokémon League is this way. I wonder what their thoughts are on arson and hysterical monkeys.


Fuck.


Not only is Cockbag a loser, he's a stereotypical Italian-American gangster loser.



See? The League rejected him already.


Why, yes, they did. Why do you ask?


This is appropriate music for the whole "warp-space-time-continuum" thing.


Oh.


To be honest here, I'm kinda fucked.


Let's let the arsonist handle it.


rey gets in four Tail Whips and 1 Quick Attack before eating shit.


OK, Hazerider, you're weaker than rey is, so don't get hurt too-


HOLY FUCK


Why, yes, Cockbag, I did. You mad?


Cockbag takes his leave, eager to be sodomized by some over-sexed fat 15-year-old girl with a giant strap-on.


Recap.

Next up: Viridian Forest.
 
I think an Ekans would work for #6. My first thoughts were Paras, Exeggcute, and Koffing, but none of those will show up for a while I don't think
 

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