Good morning, America! My name is Patrick Scarborough, and the lovely lady sitting right next beside me is unimportant because she caught a bad cold and can't talk right now. Today, we start with a bizarre character; from all over the world there have been reports of attacks from a masked criminal armed with… a Guitar Hero guitar. This isn’t the strangest thing about this case, however – this character is often described as wearing a skull mask and running around shirtless, much like an executioner of older times. The Guitar Assassin’s last attack was directed at the famous german gentleman, Baron Baron Jones, who remained unscathed by the criminal’s raid, but shaken nonetheless. One good thing came out of this attack: the Baron actually managed to take a picture of the intruder using a security camera, proving once and for all that this man is no myth nor legend of lore: This was the Baron’s report on the attack, half an hour after the incident: “There I was, sparking conversation on IRC and surfing on the internet, when I’ve noticed that one of my security cameras picked up something. I immediately zoomed into the intruder, and proceeded to print a picture of him. I knew this strange fellow was coming for me, so I assembled my finest weapons (a cane containing a crowbar and my mystical maroon monocle) and prepared to defend myself, no matter how scared I was. When the door flew open, this man just stood there saying nothing, looking at me with a rather skullish stare. He asked me, with a growl out of hell itself: ‘How do you enjoy Guns ‘n’ Roses?’ I was taken aback for a minute – I did enjoy various GnR songs, particularly ‘Welcome to the Jungle’, but was that the answer he was seeking? With sweat rolling off my monocle and wetting my finest clothes, I answered ‘Yes. I approve of Guns n Roses.’ The creature looked at me, and suddenly, he had jumped out of my window, howling not unlike a wounded wolf after all of its cubs were killed by a battle between Transformers that just happened to occur in their homewoods. I immediately called the police, but it was too late. The man-turned-devil had already left, and left me with two broken windows, no less! I disapprove greatly of this man. He was a faggot. I can assure he was probably Caribbean.” We now connect to our outside reporter, Francisco ‘Doomers’ Alejandró, who is in Germany trying to follow the trail of the Guitar Assassin. Francisco, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Pat. - Francisco…. I’m sorry, but are you filming this from your bedroom? - Yes. - I see. And not from Germany, as you were strictly ordered to go to? - Yes. - And why, god, why, are you not there right now? - I am scared of the individual I was supposed to be chasin’. …Are you looking to get a dickslap once you get back to studio? Because it seems to me you are craving a dickslap right now. - …Er, come on boss, I mean, he was pretty big… - I bet your ass my cock is bigger. Do you know how big my goddamned cock is? It could strangle you, you piece of fuck. Imagine how bad a slap from a python must hurt – actually, scratch that shit. Can you imagine one python that’s really hungry, but there were no stupid nigger mice around, so she had to eat ANOTHER python, effectively doubling its girth? That’s kinda like my dick. You know how bad that shit hurts? It will rip your fucking skull off. - …Boss, calm down man, please, I am actually really scared right now! - DICKSLAP, MOTHERFUCKER. DO YOU CRAVE IT? - I'm SORRY, I’M SORRY! HERE – I prepared this report to make up for my absence in the field. It will do for now, trust me! - … Let’s see it, then, Francisco.