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Office Policies

Discussion in 'Inside Poop - April Fool's Day 2011' started by DougJustDoug, Feb 26, 2011.

  1. DougJustDoug

    DougJustDoug Knows the great enthusiasms
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    Listen guys, I know a lot of you were not in favor of my push to get Smogon offices opened in the US, UK, and Sri Lanka. I also realize that keeping normal office hours is not easy for many of you accustomed to conducting business from home like we used to. But, when I took over day-to-day operations from Chris, I told him I wanted to run this place like the business that it is -- and I damn well intend to do that. Chaos has already made his big money from Smogon and he's got the fat checks rolling in from those goddamned site ads, but I haven't made shit yet, at least nothing serious. C'mon, the lousy 10 to 15 grand I pull down every month from the pay-per-battle ladder on the server isn't getting me any closer to retirement. I need the regional office sales staff to step up their game, and I think the lax office atmosphere is a big reason for our poor revenue numbers.

    So, effective immediately, please observe the following guidelines at all times when you are on ANY Smogon office grounds (And yes, I understand the irony of that statement for all you Sri Lankan Smogon staffers. We're doing our best to put something over the dirt floors in the main buildings.)


    • All mods and supermods must wear collared shirts, at a minimum. Yes, this even applies to the Firecong staff. The only exceptions are for Circus Maximus mods, and that's because Mekkah cut a special deal with chaos that allows you guys to wear those stupid orange soccer jerseys. For everyone else -- this is a serious Pokemon business, please dress like it.

    • Quit loitering out front when you smoke. It's incredibly embarrassing when Smogon advertisers and visiting Nintendo executives have to walk through a haze of smoke to get into the building. Sarcastic jeers of "Goodbye stat-ups, bitches!" does not help either. Take it around to the side of the building, please.

    • Late night server mods -- please lock the back door WITH THE KEY before you leave. The keyless entry code is so well known by insidescoopers, we really can't count on it for security. Repainting the walls after Hazerider's graffiti spree was quite expensive, and I'm sick of coming in Monday mornings and seeing that SOMEONE decided to bring the afterparty at the club over to our offices. We all know who the big drunks are around here, so you aren't fooling anyone.

    • Stop letting ICBB members tailgate you into the covered staff parking lot. If you are ICBB, you have to park in the open lot. I know it's a long way to walk, but maybe that will make you think a bit more about your next infraction. I know it's even worse over in the UK, but that's your own fault for living in a place that rains so goddamned much. And for you Sri Lankans, yes this applies to your rickshaw lot too.

    • Keep your DS volume all the way down, at all times. No, I am not enacting this because the Socialization staff are being dickheads. Yes, I know we are a pokemon business. Yes, I realize that putting the Stark and Wifi cubicles right next to the Firebot cubicles was poor space planning on my part. As soon as we move the Stark guys down into the basement with all the Alph folks, it should be a lot less contentious there on the main floor. But, until that happens, just turn down the volume and be considerate to your non-pokemon playing coworkers.

    Your swift attention to these policies is much appreciated. These guidelines are IN ADDITION TO the ones that were put in place when we first opened our bricks-and-mortar operations. If anyone needs a refresher, they are posted right there in the break room, next to the fire safety codes and the workers comp notices. Printed copies will be distributed to your desks by the end of the week.

    Thank you,
    Doug
  2. Ditto

    Ditto /me huggles
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    I propose 3 things, then I can understand this.

    1) Casual Fridays
    2) Thirsty Thursdays
    3) Office Arbor Day Party
  3. Alchemator

    Alchemator my god if you don't have an iced tea for me when i
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    Honestly Doug I don't get this. I respect your leadership at all but you're making trivial changes when there are bigger issues that need tackling.

    Recently you've just been upping the turnover targets for Smogon UK and with the VAT increase we just can't meet them. Then you penalise us for not meeting the targets and then set them even higher. I just don't get it, how is that logical in the slightest? You're squeezing our margins to such a level that we're only just above breaking even.

    Stop with this rubbish about collared shirts when you're driving us into the ground across the pond.
  4. Swaggersaurus

    Swaggersaurus I DON'T NEED A MAN
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    read and understood
  5. Bad Ass

    Bad Ass Everyone is here, but you're nowhere near
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    Hey, so I guess this is the thread for office complaints? Okay, look, I know that I'm a newly badged member. That's fine. But today, I drove to the Atlanta office to pick up some papers that mingot had requested. I look at my desktop, and it looks like someone fucking changed it to a picture of a dick. Seriously, guys, grow up.

    I don't know who did it. I guess whoever stayed late on Friday night? We really need to get the security cameras working, because I'm not putting up with this shit.
  6. Deck Knight

    Deck Knight A Knight for the Aegis
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    Sorry about all the explosions in the CAP Research Lab but we just promoted Dusk there and he likes to break things.

    One more thing to all staff members:

    DO NOT WALK IN THE HALLS, THERE IS A CHIMERA. IT WILL OHKO YOU. THAT IS ALL.

    (We are presently working on this situation but we assure you all of our offices are secure.)
  7. Elevator Music

    Elevator Music
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    That was me, sorry. I thought that was macle's desk.

    Maybe we should give tiering contributors some more work to do? It's not like we really do anything anyways since phil started rigging the suspect tests......
  8. supermarth64

    supermarth64 Here I stand in the light of day
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    Can we have a policy to quickly remove dead bodies in the cubicles? I don't want them lying around there like the last time THAT happened...
  9. macle

    macle ribbit
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    So I only have to wear a collared shirt? I'm not wearing pants then.
  10. firecape

    firecape This is the end...
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    So not much of a change, just a new shirt.
  11. Philip7086

    Philip7086 Myuu
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    read and understood.
  12. darkie

    darkie mfw i see alison brie
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    is this really a problem? i mean we are SMOGon...it adds to the effect?

    but other than that, read.
  13. DougJustDoug

    DougJustDoug Knows the great enthusiasms
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    Also while I'm thinking about it, can you guys stop the nonsense around the drinking fountains? At the time we installed them, it seemed appropriate to have commemorative fountains sculpted to look like the Diamond and Pearl signature legends (and it cost us quite a bit from our building beautification fund, I might add). But I'm sick of hearing about you guys snapping photos every time visiting executives open their mouths to drink from the Palkia fountain, and then post it on Facebook or try to blackmail them with it.

    Grow the fuck up, and start acting like businessmen.
  14. Zystral

    Zystral めんどくさい、な~
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    I concur. Perhaps setting up something like a Treasury Board would help keep our finances in check. I'd be more than happy to help coordinate this.

    Additionally, where the FUCK are our PR managers LonelyNess and Colonel_M?
  15. little gk

    little gk <Birkal> I will quit everything I do on smogon
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    Maybe we'd have less of a reason to do this is the plumbing itself didn't suck... shit, even if you press down on the button the water only comes in short bursts. Maybe less money should be spent on all this woman shit like "beauty" and actually on the stuff that makes these pieces of crap work.
  16. Colonel M

    Colonel M I don't suck it's my team that sucks!
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    Hey boss I dropped the door key. Mind if you can get me a new one?
    I had to take the week off. It is my fucking birthday after all.
  17. Bad Ass

    Bad Ass Everyone is here, but you're nowhere near
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    Oh, the bathroom on the third floor isn't working. Thought I'd bring that to attention.
  18. whistle

    whistle
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  19. Firestorm

    Firestorm I did my best, I have no regrets!
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    Not following any of this shit until you get me the fuck out of Sri Lanka. My parents left this country for a reason and I did not intend to come back!

    I AM A POTENTIAL TARGET FOR GENOCIDE FOR PETE'S SAKE WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
  20. v

    v I'm on your six
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    az, i am not sure you understood. sunglasses are not acceptable officewear, same to you colonel_m. ditto, i am not sure where you get the idea that any form of "pimpwear" is allowed on the premises, but it is not, so kindly change it. goldenknight, i think you know better than to smoke on company property. that goes for the rest of you no-good tigres, too. and phil, last i checked, we are a POKEMON company, not NASA. get that shit out of here.

    thanks,
    the administration
  21. little gk

    little gk <Birkal> I will quit everything I do on smogon
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    sorry for smoking, it will not happen again vader sir
  22. Chou Toshio

    Chou Toshio @Fighting Necktie
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    Requesting Office Supplies:

    Smog
    With the last issue's release, we're out of printing ink

    Studio
    Everyone's bitching that we need to upgrade office software to Adobe CS5
    It does look pretty sick compared to the old CS3, and since we skipped CS4, we could go for a software upgrade.
  23. Firestorm

    Firestorm I did my best, I have no regrets!
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    Agreeing on the Adobe update. I want some tabs. It feels like I'm using IE6 when I'm in the office.
    Speaking of which, we need an intranet that works on browsers other than IE6.
  24. whistle

    whistle
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    can someone please tell me how to access my voicemails
  25. Fatecrashers

    Fatecrashers acta est fabula
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    you press one, then hash, and then

    hold on i think thats for recording

    i'll go check

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