I was hesitant to post considering the direction the thread is going at the moment, the fact that I in no way wanted to make this shooting somehow about me, and that I am really not that comfortable discussing my personal life here, but this has been bugging me all day, and I really have no one else to say it to.
When I heard about the other terrorist attacks in California, France, etc. I obviously felt bad a little but it wasn't really something that lasted with me. Of course everyone would hear about it and say "that is so terrible" but I don't think it bothered most people for very long. I don't think it was something they thought about for more than a few days, except maybe for the political ramifications of it. I remember my friend who is over in Paris on a work Visa was joking "they are after me, and all I have to defend myself is a baguette" and I joked right along with him. It's completely understandable to not be able to really care about something that is happening far away. But as a citizen who lives in Orlando, this shooting has honestly shaken me to my very core. Having something so insane like this happen right next to me has just changed my perspective in a way that is seriously bothering me.
I and everyone I know is completely fine, thank God. Everyone always says that you don't think it can happen until it happens to you, and for me the fact that it didn't happen to me but did happen near me makes me feel weirdly relieved but also concerned at the same time. I still don't think it is going to happen soon, but I am very worried. I am worried for my parents. I am worried for my friends. I am honestly also very worried about all those people I don't know. I have never lost someone close to me in my life yet, and I'm afraid that when it finally happens I won't be able to deal with it. The whole situation with Christina Grimmie just a day before has reminded me that it isn't just terrorists strategically targeting public areas; any crazy person can kill someone at any unexpected time. A few weeks ago, I had a near-death experience of almost drowning after being thrown into a very strong river while rafting. These things just make me think. Nobody starts their day thinking they are going to die, they make a bunch of plans for what they are going to do that day and things just take a dark and unexpected turn. The uncertainty of it is seriously frightening and something I did not really think much about until this series of recent events.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that I am bothered at all. Even here in Orlando, going about my usual daily business, nothing seemed to be any different. Well, all of the radio stations were playing the news and some were playing extremely patriotic/uniting music, but honestly for everything else, things just continued as normal. It's like nothing changed at all, even this close to where the whole thing went down. I went to McDonald's with some friends and we had some casual discussion about their upcoming wedding next year, the workers and all the other guests were acting like normal people you find at McDonald's. I went to my D&D group and we just played the game as normal like we had been doing for weeks. Of course it was brought up here and there, but again, we just said "man, that is really terrible" and that was the end of it. Some people wrote up some short posts about how upsetting this is on Facebook, but it always seems so shallow to me. Like they just took a few minutes to make that quick post, and now they're moving on to their next thing. Some of my other friends were even complaining about how the "tell your friends you're safe" feature on Facebook was blowing up their phone all day and that they were so annoyed by it. Even though I know it's not true, I feel like I am the only one (who was not directly related to a victim) genuinely bothered and affected by these events and that is making me feel seriously lonely. But maybe everyone else was hiding it just like I was hiding it.
That's really it. I am not usually one who puts his emotions out on Smogon; I'm not trying to whore for attention or trying to take anything at all away from the victims, but this whole ordeal legitimately worries me in a way I have never felt before and I seriously feel very alone about it.