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Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread

Discussion in 'Congregation of the Masses' started by Gabe, Nov 24, 2012.

  1. tape-type

    tape-type

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    words of wisdom.
  2. Chou Toshio

    Chou Toshio @Fighting Necktie
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    Eo Ut Mortus-- I agree with all the things you said. I don't think the value of the nuclear family is based on an absolute truth; certainly not an absolute truth of human reproduction. Natural human reproduction strategies and forms of attraction are as many as the stars. There is no one shape inherent to happiness.

    I think the proponents of traditional marriage (which I count myself among) should understand its purpose is not in granting the perfect way to achieve happiness for an individual. To say so would be absolutely ludicrous as you have implied.

    Traditional marriage systems (plural, as there are variations based on culture) have their merit in practical/pragmatic benefit for society-- NOT for aspousing an absolute truth of human love.

    -Traditional marriages promote stable, accountable, easily manageable units on which society can be built.

    -They ensure that stable numbers of children will be born (with a dedicated mate, a woman has a greater chance of achieving pregnancy than through chance matings)

    -They ensure these children will grow up in a relatively stable environment without draining society's resources (children take a lot of resources to grow up, and genuinely speaking 2 parents working together to do so is more efficient)

    -Traditional marriages "tame" males (making them stable, productive members of society instead of wandering play-boys)

    -Traditional marriages "tame" males (making them stable, productive members of society instead of rogue militants, criminals, rabble rousers, etc.)

    -Cultures where monogamous traditional marriages are the norm ensure more males opportunities to mate and have young (by preventing some from taking more wives, you prevent having too many bachelors-- something that can lead to war and civil unrest in times of old)

    And so forth.

    Physically, humans are pathetically weak. We derive our power and success as a species from our intellectual ability yes-- but only in working together. Society is our greatest weapon and ally.

    The traditional marriage's great value lies not in maximizing happiness, or as a philosophy-- it's value is based on the pragmatic.


    On that note, I'd like to share a post I made for junior's thread, but I thought actually belongs here more:


    However, in the modern world, I acknowledge that traditional marriage is not the right route for everyone-- and I APPLAUD those who make this realization for themselves.

    To those who are honest and candid about their own needs and desires-- I have only the greatest respect, whatever those desires may be.

    To those who can candidly express those desires without shame, and seek out a partner, partners, or none at all (seeking only hook-ups or what not), who have the same desire and perspective; again, that deserves nothing but my best wishes.

    :D

    Basically-- I just think people will be happier if we can all be more honest with ourselves.
  3. Pocket

    Pocket Apo, the astronaut's best friend >:3
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    I understand where you're coming from, but I do not get why people want their marriage to be arranged. You're letting some 3rd party to determine your soul mate! I guess peer pressure from such 3rd party's expectations prevent these arranged couples from filing a divorce, but I'm pretty sure there are couples who are unhappy with their pairing. It just seems overly pragmatic to the point that you're sacrificing an individual's autonomy for this societal "pragmatism." I certainly don't desire such pragmatism, and I certainly want to marry the girl of my own choosing.

    Chou Toshio, what would you do if you were arranged to marry a girl with small breasts xP (I mean, I personally wouldn't mind)?

    EDIT: Ah okay, I misunderstood you then. your take home message are these:
    which I can appreciate deeply and fully agree with
  4. Chou Toshio

    Chou Toshio @Fighting Necktie
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    ^Ah Pocket, sorry I didn't specify, but I wasn't speaking of "Ye Olde Arranged Marriages" where both sides have no choice but to marry.

    I guess I was thinking more about modern day arranged marriages in Japan (and maybe India is similar?), where parents or other party act as a go-between to introduce the man and woman-- not force them to marry. The choice to marry or not still lies with the individuals.

    I did not mean to imply that loss of individual autonomy is a good thing-- that wasn't my intention at all.

    In this type of meeting explicitly for the purpose of introducing a potential marriage partner, both sides are acknowledging (or being honest with) their own desire and need for companionship. Furthermore, it can be implied that both sides are acknowledging that there is something more important than simple romantic feelings. Something more important than a "meeting of fate." A dedication to family, to children-- to a higher purpose than love.


    While not all people may find marriage as meaningful, and still others refuse marriage in its traditional forms--

    In its traditional forms, marriage is not just between a man and woman.

    It is between a man and woman on one side-- and the community and society on the other. It is the last "coming of age" ceremony-- the agreement between couple and society that they will now join it as full adults, productive members, protecting the traditions and way of life of the family, household, community.

    A marriage between a couple should be something that both families and the community can recognize-- having parents and family directly involved with the pairing pays respects to that notion.

    While the things I have outlined above might not speak to all people-- they have great meaning to myself, and many others.

    While I don't agree that the old way of forcing two people to be together is good-- I don't agree with removing the individual's autonomy, as it should still come down to the man and woman to decide to marry or not--

    I do think that candid introductions are admirable; and every bit as worthy of a marriage as a chance meeting.

    I also think that if people understood that marriage belongs not only to themselves, but also to both families and society-- people would have a better understanding of the purpose of marriage, and that marriages would be more stable, and meaningful.
  5. Fishy

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    the idea of people merely being honest with themselves translating to marriages that provide, protect, and procreate toward a more sustainable and 'happy' society is a really sad notion to me. i think it somewhat degrades people to their more animalistic roots, as if being honest with one another that "you don't have to be that attractive, as long as you provide for the family" or vice versa "you don't have to have a job, as long as you're going to take care of the kids full time" does not, and i will be bold enough to say SHOULD not be the building blocks for a stable nuclear family.

    i think the greatest invention of human kind of language, and the various specialized ways of communication. any other animal communicates within its own species and with different species for base desires - "i want to fuck you. i want to eat you. i am a threat, stay away." etc. human beings have the ability to communicate an infinite number of different things to each other, such as knowledge, emotion, culture, ET CET TER A. i hate the idea of "being honest" also means squandering communication toward those more basic desires, as if everyone is truly masquerading with the finer details of their lives that they enjoy, and can forfeit those aspects for 'core' values that would provide for a more successful marriage/societal standing.

    chou, i think everyone at this point knows that you value society as the end all be all for anything humanity-related. when it comes to love, i don't believe that passion is something that you can learn to live without. of course, every first love or ever first few months of a relationship is going to feel amazingly passionate, as everything is new, fresh, and exciting. that form of ecstasy wears off eventually, and i'm certainly not saying that when that happens, you should jump ship just to find that feeling again. there are people that do this, trying to relive the "honeymoon" stage over and over. i feel that the best relationships are those that stay connected long enough to evolve into different stages of love and compassion, and that no strong relation can ever be considered "one note" in terms of the range of emotional and intellectual love you have for someone else. (those two terms acting synonymously as subjective and objective love if that makes sense??)

    HAVING SAID ALL THAT, i believe you can find a partner that you can share passionate love with for all time. most grandparents still married today are living crests for such love, and even senior citizens that have never been married still yearn for a passionate love, even if it's just to die while in such love. if you're going to be selfish about anything in your life, let it be for the person you would some day vow to spend the rest of your life with. one should never, ever settle for someone less than who they would want to spend the rest of their lives with. i think that's one of the most important things someone can ever admit to themselves. you can surely find happiness with a lot of different people - while soul mates may exist, i don't think that means that you cannot be truly happy with loads of different people - there are many flavors of love you can enjoy. if you should ever find someone considered to be your soul mate, you are truly lucky - but such a relationship cannot be cultivated. what a "soul mate" actually entails is incredibly subjective and romanticized as it is, but i suppose if you can imagine someone that complements you perfectly, you've got it.

    quoting 500 days of summer: [some dude talking about his girlfriend] "She's better than my dream girl. She's real." d'aw!!

    anyway, i've started rambling a bit. i think any love without passion is only second best. i think some people can learn to love whomever they are arranged to marry - but that doesn't mean that that person is the best love they can find. i don't believe that people solely want to find a partner to feel comfortable with - comfort is the enemy of passion. a marriage should not be routine. love should not be routine. if there is any honesty that society should embrace, it's that everyone wants to find a romance that lasts, as well as fundamentals that make for a solid relationship unit. growing up doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to experience butterflies.

    edit: okay chou, i'm glad you're not for traditional arranged marriages, and that the decision to marry still belongs to those two involved. i still don't think that marriage is something that society should have as much an opinion on as the two involved, but i think your feelings for that are more culturally based, and so to each his own. i think that marriage in a nut shell is a public declaration that two people want to be together until death do they part, but past society being able to enjoy the ceremony and buzz of the new mr. and mrs., said marriage shouldn't affect anyone else but the husband and wife.

    second edit: elaborating more for the sake of junior/all the singles ladies: you absolutely don't need a partner to enjoy your life! a partner should always be a complement, never a supplement. in the same vein, i think relationships/love are sort of timeless. as soon as you lose your virginity, or as soon as you fall madly in love, you'll learn a truth that almost seems too obvious in hind sight, and you'll feel silly ever thinking that these things were more important than anything else. in a way, they become a different sort of important - not so much imperative to your happiness, but they become things that have a value you've gleaned through experience that weighs more heavily than all the stories or movies you've ever seen. don't worry, just be happy!!! <3
  6. Chou Toshio

    Chou Toshio @Fighting Necktie
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    Fishy-- to be honest, I think our opinions on what love should be are only subtly different after reading your post. I think our ideas about stable and meaningful love are quite similar-- the only difference being in the philosophy behind it (We agree on WHAT is ideal, but disagree on WHY it's ideal).

    As to our differences in the WHAT love should be category--

    I think the clear point of difference is that I believe creating passion and love is not only a function of finding a perfect partner. Love is something that can be made. Love is something that can also be built through years of shared dedication-- between two people heavily relying on each other to make it through this world; lasting love is born from meaningful partnership. (yes, it's clear from your post that you also agree that commitment and effort are a part of making love meaningful-- I'm not implying that you don't)

    In order to create meaningful partnerships though, I simply disagree that it has to be an act of destiny-- or fate-- of the type of sweeping romance glorified by western culture.

    Meaningful partnership and lasting love, are born from two people who agree with each other about what's important in life, and dedicate themselves to working together to attain it. This is achievable not only between "fated individuals", but between any two people who can be candid and dedicated with each other. You'll notice I purposely left this statement vague-- as I believe it applies to people who desire love even outside of the most traditional shape of marriage. I am speaking more broadly about romantic companionship.

    Of course it is better to be very careful in selecting a partner.

    However, similar world view, values, life goals, etc. Compatibility such that the two are able to be honest and respectful towards each other, and have good chemistry-- these qualities are far more important than "how we met", giggling butterflies, etc.


    To be fair; I do have a partner who I did meet by fate, had giggling butterflies with, and all the qualities of a sweeping romance.

    But it is our mutual candidness, clear ability to be honest, respectful, dedicated, and reliant on each other that makes me believe it is lasting. Our shared world views, beliefs, and ability to dedicate and sacrifice to a family we think of as more important than our own romance is what makes us believe in us.
  7. Chou Toshio

    Chou Toshio @Fighting Necktie
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    I think another defining difference between Fishy's thinking and my own, is that she considers the animalistic and base nature of humanity as some how an inferior characteristic of humanity. I don't.

    Base? Animalistic? These words carry a negative connotation in English-- but I hardly think of them as negative.

    Humans are animals. Humans are a part of nature. I celebrate this-- I honor humanity in this. I admire humanity's tenacity to survive, its will to fight.

    I'm sorry, but our improved reasoning and language does not make us a "superior" entity to other animals in my eyes-- just because my iPhone has a million functions doesn't make it a higher or nobler entity than my calculator. Just because my thinking is a million times more complex doesn't make me a higher or superior entity to a squirrel-- we're different in complexity, not nature.

    But I celebrate squirrels. I celebrate humanity too as animals, just as I celebrate all the wonders of nature. When you think of how powerful and mighty all of nature is, we humans are only the tiniest part of it.

    An astounding part of nature yes-- but still a small small part of it, and still animals. Being honest about our nature and needs as animals is also something I think lacking from modern people.



    edit: Oh god, the influence of my one-man-religion is stamped all over this post.
  8. capefeather

    capefeather YOU CAN'T STOP ROB
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    I never thought I'd be posting here, but I just want to say that I don't believe that marriages or nuclear families hold any intrinsic value to society. So it kind of baffles me that people would refer to "traditional marriage" (whatever that means) as some kind of pragmatic thing that helps society. I'm not saying that families aren't important at all, just that they don't seem much more important or consistent than other close collectives. In fact, I suspect that families are actually diminishing in importance, because our increasing connectedness allows us to connect to ever larger communities more easily.

    What is so special about marriages (as opposed to workplaces, circles of friends, armies, or anything, really) that they "promote stable, accountable, easily manageable units on which society can be built"? How is women having more children "stable"? What do marriages or monogamy really even do to "tame males" or "ensure these children will grow up in a relatively stable environment"? Those all depend very heavily on socioeconomic factors, whether marriage is involved or not.

    It's interesting that you point out so many negatives in today's marriages. Yet, perhaps part of it is a flaw in the idea of marriage itself. Marriage historically doesn't seem to have had any consistent meaning, other than being a declaration that a collection of people will live together and maybe procreate. Making that work takes effort and dedication, sure, but whether it's a "marriage" or not doesn't change that. I can name any number of things that can signify coming of age, but none of them mean anything if there's nothing to back it up.
  9. Chou Toshio

    Chou Toshio @Fighting Necktie
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    Cape-- I also don't think that marriage is the only potential way to build a society; I'm not even suggesting that it is the ideal way to build it. Fundamentally speaking, marriage forces people into relationships that are at times at odds with human nature-- the system of marriage isn't in-line with the true dimensions of human desire or instinct. No matter what system you draw up, it will have its flaws-- but for the sake of simplicity and pro-to-con benefits, the 1-to-1 nuclear family system probably brings more benefit than loss.

    I have often wondered if it wouldn't be possible to create a system of more flexible matings and parings that better acknowledge the real instincts of humanity. I don't think there is anything intrinsically "right" about monogamous marriages.

    However, you must be blind if you can't see the pragmatic advantages that do come from the system. I'm not going to take the time to explain them all-- but come on; in terms of simplicity and stability, it's pretty easy to discern why systems of marriage were beneficial for structuring societies of old.

    Here in the western world, are our marriage traditions based on christian European culture ideal for society going into the future?

    It might very well not be-- but that doesn't mean there wasn't good reason in for it in the past.


    Also Cape, you may find it hard to believe-- but for many people, culture and traditions have inherent value in and of themselves.
  10. Fishy

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    sorry, i know my post sounded like i was enforcing the negative connotation of 'base' desires and animalistic tendencies, but i don't think they're a detriment at all for humanity. yes, we can communicate those very desires more eloquently than the peacock who dances and flourishes his tail feathers for a mate (eloquence superiority debatable maybe!!) but i don't think base desires and the like are a bad thing. i wholly embrace homo sapiens as just another species of the animal kingdom, and understand why you value commitment and long-borne love through mutual understanding of what's important - base desires included.

    i don't think i really tried to focus on "fate" so much? i know i mentioned soul mates, but i don't really believe in fate. i believe in multiple possibilities, and only ever one path being taken, but i don't think anything is predetermined, past what you determine for yourself. in that sense, i don't think bumping into your soul mate at the super market is the BEST love you could possibly find - love can certainly be found in those who strive for it for years and years, even if they never could have thought they would love one another at first sight. i totes agree!! i guess the hopeless romantic in me is more 'optimistic' (if that's the appropriate word) that one can discover love half the time, rather than cultivate it, though there is a little of both in either version, the weight lying in each of them in a heavier or lighter quality.

    i think we mostly agree a lot with one another, chou - the only thing that ever rubs me the wrong way is your need to entwine a couple's marriage with society as a whole - but, like i said, that idea is significant to one's culture above all. love is grand, and can be found in many places, so long as you are willing to look!
  11. Chou Toshio

    Chou Toshio @Fighting Necktie
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    I too get the sense that we're pretty much agreeing as well-- like you said, a little bit of discovery, and a little bit of cultivation in varying quantities in all relationships.

    And yeah, speaking a bit of individualism v. communalism cultural locusts; America is apparently the most individualistic country in most studies of the subject. Hawaii though, my hometown, is shaped very strongly by Polynesian and Asian values, so we tend to be much farther down towards the communalism end of the spectrum; plus I'm a Japanese American so there's the kiss of death (seeing as Japan is like the DEFINITION of a communal-minded culture). It's strange, because we are still Americans so of course I can see things from an individualistic perspective and values-- but communalism values also speak very strongly to me.

    I guess the thing is that to me pragmatism just has so much value. Looking at relationships pragmatically has never struck me as being pessimistic. In other words, the relationship that works functionally is the one that's beautiful and meaningful. Though I have definitely experience head-over-heals, first-love, fire works (literally) and butterflies-- all the heart-thumping intensity of a youthful romance more than my fair share of times.

    I've always strongly admired my parents-- who have like the perfect relationship as a couple in my mind. Sure they're not super lovey-dovey, and have a smart professionalism even with each other-- but even without that they tease just enough to not be dry, and you can always feel a deep trust and strong mutual understanding between them. They're partners first-- and my mom always emphasizes the practical strengths, the positive synergies, and shared values between them when talking about their relationship-- and yet when she speaks you hear her great admiration and understanding of my father; the good and bad.

    Built on compatibilities of culture, values, dedication, world view, trust and respect-- as well as deep affection-- they're bond is unshakeable, built up like brick and morter; with all the substance and structure to make it last, and all the love to make it meaningful.

    At the end of the day, why not have both? I just always felt-- through influence of my family and culture yes-- that I needed first to think about the substance of the relationship; and that if I met a girl I felt I could build a life with, she would be a girl I could fall in love with.

    I still believe this; and my girlfriend now has my respect, trust, and admiration, as well as my affection.
  12. capefeather

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    I agree that culture and traditions can have intrinsic value to individuals, or at least, value as part of some larger thing that other individuals might express in another way. What I wouldn't necessarily agree with is that culture and traditions have intrinsic value to society. You listed practical benefits to the marriage contract (or, at least, the monogamous marriage contract), and I questioned the actual role of that contract in the practical benefits. It's that simple. So I don't get this implied accusation being leveled at me for being stubbornly anti-tradition or something.

    I'm not advocating to abolish marriages (or sports franchises, or alcohol, or Pokemon, or whatever else might be considered a "cultural phenomenon"). After all, the removal of such things also needs to be judged on its positive or negative value to society. I just fear that we may be subconsciously putting "marriage" on some kind of pedestal, and this can potentially become an excuse for society to stay stagnant. It can also be abused - and in fact is being abused - by various interests trying to redefine marriage in their favour. How is its usefulness in the past even (inherently) relevant? The present ought to be better than the past, and the future better still. That may involve slaying our old heroes and romantic notions. Then again, it may not.
  13. WaterBomb

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    Marriage is (or at least should be) a public declaration between two people that they intend to devote themselves to one another, in every aspect of life. They are essentially agreeing to be on the same "team" for the rest of their lives, and that in theory should create a stable environment in which to bear and raise children. A "stable" environment is one in which the authority figure(s) operate in unison or in tandem with one another, thus increasing their strength and influence exponentially. Two people individually possess their own strengths and weaknesses which can only carry them so far, but together they have the potential to exceed the sum of their parts. This is fundamentally the purpose behind marriage, and unfortunately I think that message has been lost. Nowadays marriage has become less selfless and more selfish, where people are marrying for reasons other than the desire to be one entity with another. Whether it be financial, social, or other motivations people are using marriage to gain something for themselves. This is where people start to lose faith in the institution as a whole, and thus we have this argument come up of "is marriage really necessary?"

    If marriage keeps to its fundamental purpose, then yes I believe it's a key building block within society. A single parent is only going to have so much power to command a household. Now I'm not denouncing the strength, patience, and dedication it takes to be a single parent or to raise children in general, I'm just saying even the strongest people have limits to what they can accomplish on their own. Even in the case of two people cohabitating, when those two are unwilling to make that public declaration of devotion to one another it handicaps the credibility of their words when they try to raise children. Marriage, in my opinion, gives two people the opportunity to present that "unified front", where they can far exceed the limits they would have otherwise.

    Naturally, there are all too many situations these days where abuses and other problems have skewed the original message and warped a marriage into something it shouldn't be. These instances are both horrible and tragic, and they only serve to undermine the credibility of marriage as an institution. Instead of treating each case as its own entity though, a large number of people tend to use them as indictments on marriage as a whole, which I think is wrong to do. Just because x percentage of marriages went bad does not mean marriage itself is bad. Marriage becomes corrupted when people misuse it to serve their own ends and not for the purpose it was originally created for. The blame lies with the individual, not the principle.

    Likewise, there are plenty of situations today where a child was raised in a non-nuclear household and they turned out fine. I'm not saying individuals are not capable of Herculean efforts to provide a quality environment for children to grow. All I am saying is that those people, as amazing as they are, would be made even BETTER by a complementary partner in marriage that can support and strengthen them.
  14. capefeather

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    Well, my main goal was to ask the question in the first place. I think that it's important to ask the questions sometimes because people seem to like to make up the weirdest justifications for various positions. People are still running around claiming that having exactly one male and exactly one female parent figure is somehow superior for a child's well-being, which the research soundly disagrees with. So a natural question might be whether it has to be exactly two people. Some people live in large families, and indeed there are single parents and government ward cases that have worked, too. And of course we can't discount the impact of everyone else in a child's life. Plus, if we truly want to say that marriage is "a public declaration between two people" to "devote themselves to one another", which "should create a stable environment in which to bear and raise children", then there are a lot of things commonly associated with marriage that aren't necessary to fulfill that.
  15. Zenotwapal

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    Recently I've dug myself into a hole emotionally. I'm just distressed and I honestly just want to break down.
    I am graduating in literally two days from High School. This is a happy time in my life, sure. But I can't help but think about the future. I'm almost near fretting about it. I don't want to leave my friends and people that have been in my life for the past 13 years. I'm not accustomed to change. In some ways, I don't wanna grow up. I'm ready to, but I'm not.

    This is not my only problem entirely either. Recently I just got out of a relationship. Technically, we've been dating for about a month, but I've known her since January. About a week ago she was in a sense shoving me away. I didn't know why at the time so I was getting pretty upset. I finally brought it up to her and we talked it out and it was fine. But later that night she got on a social networking site and liked two photos, one of a shirtless guy at her school and one of a photo that said, "Waiting on my true love". Needless to say, as her "boyfriend" I got kinda mad at that, seeing as a few hours ago we just got done talking about our relationship.
    That was sort of a mistake on my part. I shouldn't have overreacted the way I did, but still. It was kind of a spur of the moment. I called her out on it and she responded to my text the following morning with this in the first sentence. "(My name) I really like you and I love you even, but I am not in love with you. You're not the one." Well obviously this made me mad. We've only been dating a month yet your predetermining that you can't fall in love with me? Her reasoning behind that was that we didn't have an "instant connection" She expects a fairytale, movie-like "instant spark" kind of romance. Which she's never going to find honestly. It takes more time to built a meaningful connection. You can't just instantly attain it by meeting up one day.
    I told her all of this and she still stands head strong in what she believes in. That kind of put the nail in the coffin. A few days later she brought up that we "wanted two different things", she didn't want a long term relationship at the moment. I made it very clear that I wasn't for looking for anything specific. But I felt I could get in a long term one with her.
    She said we should "pause" our relationship. We should go back to square one and build our friendship up again. To better our connection in other words. "We were moving too fast" she also pointed out. (Our relationship was getting progressively physical, probably unhealthily to a degree.) If we slowed down and worked on communication, our relationship would have a much more stable ground Which all of that is true, don't get me wrong. I wholeheartedly agree with everything she said.
    But I can't help but feel sad about it. I told her I needed a few days to adjust to better our friendship before I wanted to talk to her again, to get rid of the negative funk that lingers when I talk to/text her. Well I'm graduating this Friday, and I told her this Monday. But I can't help but feel depressed when I'm sitting at home or doing nothing in general. I'm going out, having fun with my fellow Seniors before we all leave each other, but she's plaguing my mind and I HATE it.

    What this all boils down to is, what do I do? How do I get this chick out of my head? I want to be happy, but I just can't. How can I clear my head of all of this bull? Is this girl worth all this emotional torment? Should I just move on and keep her as a friend, and live the college life for now? (She's a high school junior by the way, about to be a senior. I'm a senior right now in high school but I'm about to be a college Freshman. She lives on a military base, which is about a ~40 minute drive from my College/where I live. She's has daddy issues, she used to cut.)

    Honestly when I find myself thinking about her I think about missing the emotional support and physical contact of a relationship. That's what I miss the most.
    Resurrecting this thread because this is the only place where this fits really.
  16. junior

    junior heard ur boyf was away this weekend, wanna meet at my place
    is a Contributor Alumnusis a Battle Server Moderator Alumnusis a Past WCoP Winner

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    social networking is so horrible for this reason. the whole stalking and insecurity thing.

    honestly, there's no easy way to get her out of your head and it'll be tough to keep her around as a friend at this moment, I'd assume. you just need to keep yourself distracted, get used to not having someone there 24/7, do the things you love.

    identify the reasons why you feel like you no longer want to be with her, think if whether the anxiety is worth the trouble of keeping her in your life

    even something as small as having a mantra helps. something like, "shit happens, people change, life goes on" or "everything happens for a reason" etc etc helps

    do miss her or do you miss the person she was in the past? or do you just miss intimacy in general?
  17. Zenotwapal

    Zenotwapal

    Joined:
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    I totally agree. I really screwed up there honestly.

    I guess its the person she was and the intimacy. It sounds so bad and shallow, yes. But I do miss the physical contact we employed. I miss "being in a relationship" I guess you could say.

    I just don't know how to go about this. She seems to want to keep me as a friend for now but you're right, I don't know how to keep a friendship up right now with all of this other crap clouding it. Do I just leave her be for a few weeks and return to talking with her? Do I even bother at all?
  18. elcheeso

    elcheeso
    is an Artistis a Forum Moderator
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    I'd leave it be for awhile. It's perfectly possible to go back to being friends with someone after this sort of thing, but not if you're still feeling shitty about it. Give it a few weeks, if you're still feeling the same, give it a few more. If you're over it before those few weeks are up, go talk to her. There's no real timeframe that anyone can give you re: how you're going to feel. You just need to trust your feelings on the issue, eventually you'll be able to tell whether you want to go back to being friends or not bother.
  19. popemobile

    popemobile

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    honestly I wouldn't even bother anymore. move on and enjoy college
  20. Shiruba

    Shiruba

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    speaking from personal experience [well, the experience of my mother and several other people i've seen] i can say that consciously trying to fall in love someone/force yourself to do so doesn't really work. people will tend to resent you for asking this of them one way or another, or they'll feel terrible that they can't really provide for you emotionally [feel like they're leading you on or something], or you'll not feel as happy as you could if you try to do this yourself. i definitely think that you guys at least deserve a chance - if you got along well before, there's no reason that you can't step back a bit and really get to know her if you want to get into a relationship with her again.

    6 months is quite a long time, especially in high school, but i would agree that you guys seem to have gotten into it a tad fast [but maybe i'm just a prude or over-cautious - and i'm not saying it was outrageous, as a lot of people are far quicker than that to rush into a relationship. i guess i just like to make someone a really good friend before i even consider this type of thing]. as to if you should give up, it really is up to you - are you willing to take the chance and potentially not be fulfilled, or is she a good enough friend and person to take that risk?

    it's natural to feel sad about it, and i don't think that there's any quick or easy fix. try to relax and have a good time. you've friends, probably, who will be supportive and help to take your mind off of everything. pretty much reiterating to wait it out [try not to think of her too much - though i definitely understand that this is easier said than done], and see if your heart stops aching enough to slow down a bit. things feel really hopeless when it first starts, but i find that time really, truly helps.

    besides, think of the positives - you have a very real chance with her yet, and she didn't cheat on you or anything like that, right?


    good luck to you. c:
  21. Stallion

    Stallion Winner of the "Smogon's Prettiest Girl of All Time" comp
    is a Battle Server Moderator Alumnusis a Past WCoP Winner

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    This. She's stringing you along Zenotwapal. She wants to keep you as a friend so that she can still emotionally dump on you, but she's almost certainly not into you. It's nothing but unhealthy to try and cling to friendship just so that you can feel close with her and pray that everything will go back to old. Just distance yourself from her, see other girls and do your own thing. If on the off chance she does truly love you, she will realise she fucked up and come running back to you. It's happened to me before and it's happened to friends of mine too. If she doesn't, it's her loss. Time is the greatest healer, and with time comes acceptance and even possibly a friendship with her down the road. It's an exciting time for you, you're about to be a college guy. There's plenty of girls to meet there and plenty of exciting opportunities in life coming your way :)
  22. Grey Knight

    Grey Knight

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    damned post
    Show Hide




    My personal sexual life

    Hello smogon my name is George 99 i am an 18 years old european,Now that i peaked #1 in the OU ladder i feel ready to share with my experience in relationships and sex.

    I had my first sexual experience was about 2 years ago (yes i was a 17 y.o virgin)
    i wasn't the most sexual active kid in the world i hardly remember my self speaking to a girl back then lol , not only i was shy but i wasn't attracted to girls of my age i always liked older girls probaply because of my strange fixation to my female professors ,
    tutors and trainers anyway i was too shy to speak to any girl or any women so shy that i never had a eye to eye contact or lips to lips contact and all that because of the stupid small penis inferiority complex the funny thing about that was that my penis was a lot bigger than the average penis length but no one had told me that !
    i always compered my penis with the one of the male pornostars i was so blind to see.

    With a help of gym , natural growth that gave me 10 cm of height in one year making me a 1,93 cm man some hair-cutting and even a fashionable mustache i actually created a female attractive image and stregnhened my self-esteem in early summer of 2011, there was only thing left , a nice distant place where i could interact with females easy without interference by anything or anyone that place existed luckily my father is from Greece and we own a nice place close to the beach in a beautiful Greek island called Rhodes that we used to go for vocation, so i called some friends with me along with 10 packets of Condoms lol and we soon departed we planned to stay there for a month enough time for me to find have sex for my first life, the first day in the beach was amazing ,i never remember my self seeing so many girls with bikinis in one place they almost caused me Bonner and i actually got a chance to make a small chat with a english girl although my english are terrible, a few days later in a party i had in my place that almost end up in to an orgy i actually had the chance to get laid with a random Chick that one of my friend brought over she was Asian short haired but a little alcoholic as i found out , the sex lasted for 1 minute pretty good for a first time, the morning came and i never saw her again not that i cared , so many chicks out there why should i stay with one ? i recall sleeping with another 11 times with 3 different girls before returning home.

    this is me about that time i am actually hanging out with girls for the first time there:
    Show Hide


    This year was one of the greatest of my life not only i achieved to enter college witch makes me a future computer engineer i also managed to peak #1 in the ps ou ladder as "George 99" and defeat some of the greatest pokemon players like shimmer,pleasure and ben gay and even get to know know a huge amount of new people and make new friendships and one short lived loving relationship.

    My future sexual life goals are to have a threesome witch pretty amazing to achieve and finally to get laid with a much older woman one of my biggest
    fantasy as for you people don't be shy life is too short everyone deserves sexual satisfaction.

    “Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you think about yourself, We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.” I Vanzant


    i tried to be as honest as a man could be ,sorry for my english isn't even my third language.
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2013
    Magcargo likes this.
  23. Soul Fly

    Soul Fly IMMA TEACH YOU WHAT SPLASHIN' MEANS
    is a Contributor to Smogon

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    I lol'd WAY harder that I should have. xD

    And getting laid with a MILF/Cougar is an admirable goal, achieve it before you turn 20.
  24. Grey Knight

    Grey Knight

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    Dude older women is my fixation pls don't make fun of me, we all have fetishes
  25. Shiruba

    Shiruba

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    the fetishes comment reminds me of something i saw on imgur once...

    Show Hide
    [​IMG]

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