Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread

Yeti

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Excuse me? You have no business telling me what to do. I'm going to ask you to stop silencing an oppressed group since you seem to be bossing me around for no good reason. I'm sorry that you seem to have come from such a place that you feel it is necessary to silence those who have a hard go of it but that really speaks more about your immaturity than it does my character. It's not my job to educate you. Goodbye now.
What is your group? "Socially awkward nerds who can't take a hint?" I'm soo sooorryyyyy you can't process social cues and I can, how utterly insensitive of me to tell you to attempt to better yourself because your posts here have shown yourself to be a toxic person!
 
I can sort of understand wanting to leave the country to avoid a person... sorta. I had a huuuuuge infatuation in highschool, and it got so painful and problematic I eventually had to start avoiding her all together in hopes of the condition ceasing.
 
Ah, whoops should've mentioned that. Unfortunately I'm not really certain of the details myself but from my understanding it was because Vivian wanted to have sex except Bob refused and then they got into a huge fight over that. Unsure if that's the case though so take that with a grain of salt.

Because her current bf (kevin) is afraid of bob for understandable reasons. And to bob, Vivian's new boyfriend is just a downgrade of him and she's just going out with him because she wants a shoulder to cry on essentially. But despite that, Kevin definitely does not want the two of them to talk and despite my other friends telling her that it's a stupid reason to not talk to bob because of it, unfortunately that's what she's doing. I feel she might still have lingering feelings for bob though.

Uh, I'm actually unsure if privacy is essential but where she proposed to talk was during volleyball which our group has once a week which has like 40+ people, which bob thinks is a terrible place/tme to have a conversation. Though I feel it would be awkward for her friend if she so chose to bring one since because Vivian doesn't drive, Bob would have to pick her up and it'd be kinda awkward to go pick one of Vivian's friends along the way.
Alright, fair enough.

What are the reasons he's afraid of him for? Unless it truly is the fact that he could flip, which would be understandable. Are you sure that's the only case?

I do agree that it's a dumb reason, but I guess I kinda see it? I mean, she probably does have lingering feelings for Bob and might feel emotionally torn if she contacts him (that sort of thing is terrible to deal with, take it from me), though tbh if one has such doubts with a relationship it's probably a bad idea to make it a serious one; that type of thing is too serious to just close your eyes and jump into without being absolutely sure it's what you want, and locking yourself from those kinds of feelings isn't how you make the best decision that your heart really wants. I also don't think that Kevin has any business making decisions for Vivian as long as she's not doing something like trying to stab her eyes out; she's (presumably) an adult who is fully capable of making decisions for herself without his help. His objections can be noted, but I don't think he has a right to control her.

Hm, okay, well, she has the right idea with a public-ish place, I feel. Even if there's nobody there personally, in case something goes wrong, it's always better to have people within close proximity (unless those people are raving drug addicts but you get what I mean) - do you think there's a way they could strike a balance between "surrounded by ~40 people" and "alone with nobody else around"? It's kinda late so my brain is shitty for ideas at the moment, but surely we can make some compromise, right?
 

Haruno

Skadi :)
is a Tiering Contributor Alumnus
I can sort of understand wanting to leave the country to avoid a person... sorta. I had a huuuuuge infatuation in highschool, and it got so painful and problematic I eventually had to start avoiding her all together in hopes of the condition ceasing.
Well iuno, I personally think it's incredibly stupid though I failed at talking him out of finalizing the decision so meh.
Alright, fair enough.

What are the reasons he's afraid of him for? Unless it truly is the fact that he could flip, which would be understandable. Are you sure that's the only case?

I do agree that it's a dumb reason, but I guess I kinda see it? I mean, she probably does have lingering feelings for Bob and might feel emotionally torn if she contacts him (that sort of thing is terrible to deal with, take it from me), though tbh if one has such doubts with a relationship it's probably a bad idea to make it a serious one; that type of thing is too serious to just close your eyes and jump into without being absolutely sure it's what you want, and locking yourself from those kinds of feelings isn't how you make the best decision that your heart really wants. I also don't think that Kevin has any business making decisions for Vivian as long as she's not doing something like trying to stab her eyes out; she's (presumably) an adult who is fully capable of making decisions for herself without his help. His objections can be noted, but I don't think he has a right to control her.

Hm, okay, well, she has the right idea with a public-ish place, I feel. Even if there's nobody there personally, in case something goes wrong, it's always better to have people within close proximity (unless those people are raving drug addicts but you get what I mean) - do you think there's a way they could strike a balance between "surrounded by ~40 people" and "alone with nobody else around"? It's kinda late so my brain is shitty for ideas at the moment, but surely we can make some compromise, right?
Well considering Vivian's bf only experience with bob was getting dragged out of Vivian's dorm room, slammed against the wall, then interrogated for a good 30minutes or so, I can see why he'd feel insecure about leaving Vivian with him. Though from what I've heard, Vivian's bf could be afraid that Vivian might start going out with him but unsure of that. I've never met her current boyfriend so i can't really say.

She's 20, so no big problems there. What I overall want to know is how to get Vivian and Bob to talk before Bob goes off to Asia in ~3days since I feel there will be a good amount of regret on both sides if they don't talk and it's probably best for him to have that talk with her so he can move on. Vivian is probably going out with Kevin for emotional support and not so much for love/infatuation or whatever term you want to describe it.

Public place is fine, but in church playing volleyball with like 40 other people that all know them seems pretty iffy since they can be nosy at times. So yeah, iuno all I really want to know is some way to get the two to get that much needed talk since apparently our other friends failed and now they're passing on the baton to me to try and get them to talk.
 
Oh, that's what happened? Re-reading it, it was there all along and I just read it as "slammed the door and interrogated him." Again with me being a bad reader. Fair enough, I retract the previous implication about jealousy - though, admittedly, there's no proof that he'd do that to her, but him doing that at all is a red flag.

Well, like I said, they both want to talk, right? There's a big hurdle that's already been crossed. Biggest obstacles seem to be Kevin and finding a good place to do so. With Kevin, again, it's Vivian's choice if she goes or not; she can listen to his advice, but unless she feels significantly threatened that he'll freak out and kick the shit out of her (somehow, I kind of doubt it), he shouldn't think he can do squat, especially since being in a public location helps to circumvent this possibility significantly.

The place, though, is a difficult one. I don't really think you can help all that much in that regard aside from making suggestions, because it's something that they both have to agree to. I don't know where you live nor which places might be available to them in order to have this discussion; I can't say I've ever had even the possibility of having a conversation like that in a better way than on the phone (by God do I wish I could've had a better choice), but perhaps something like around a school field after hours or something? Again, I really can't say what they'd be comfortable with; I'd try to inspire discussion between the two on a meetingplace once Vivian agrees that she is definitely allowed to go in order to resolve this, and it is in fact a good idea to go and resolve this.

The above also applies to Bob, though I must admit that I really do know how Bob in particular feels; it'll probably open up a lot of old wounds and there will be a lot of tears and heartache and I think he just needs someone to kick his ass into going because he's gonna avoid it and not wanna do it because having that emotional damage hurts like a motherfucker but if you do nothing he'll just hurt on and think of her forever or at least a very long time, to the point where he'll enjoy his life less. It's like you were stabbed in the stomach with a large knife and even though it's good to keep the knife in initially so you don't bleed out, eventually that knife's gotta come out so your body can heal so it can stop hurting so much and so you can get that knife out of your life for good and not have it constantly sticking out of you. I don't wanna give him too much hope that he'll come back because that's kinda like giving a kid hope that his parents will get back together again and everything will be good like it was before mom and dad separated because it's probably not gonna happen and you'll just spend your non-adult life waiting for superman to fix everything and sometimes you've just gotta move on and accept it. Maybe it'll come and I don't wanna say that he'll never get "his" girl back because heck, what if it does happen? But that doesn't mean you should spend your life watching and waiting for that. There's more to life than just love; you can't love someone else if you can't love of yourself.

A lot of that was a run-on sentence but I really don't give a fuck, I personally needed to get that out as well.
 

Haruno

Skadi :)
is a Tiering Contributor Alumnus
Oh, that's what happened? Re-reading it, it was there all along and I just read it as "slammed the door and interrogated him." Again with me being a bad reader. Fair enough, I retract the previous implication about jealousy - though, admittedly, there's no proof that he'd do that to her, but him doing that at all is a red flag.

Well, like I said, they both want to talk, right? There's a big hurdle that's already been crossed. Biggest obstacles seem to be Kevin and finding a good place to do so. With Kevin, again, it's Vivian's choice if she goes or not; she can listen to his advice, but unless she feels significantly threatened that he'll freak out and kick the shit out of her (somehow, I kind of doubt it), he shouldn't think he can do squat, especially since being in a public location helps to circumvent this possibility significantly.

The place, though, is a difficult one. I don't really think you can help all that much in that regard aside from making suggestions, because it's something that they both have to agree to. I don't know where you live nor which places might be available to them in order to have this discussion; I can't say I've ever had even the possibility of having a conversation like that in a better way than on the phone (by God do I wish I could've had a better choice), but perhaps something like around a school field after hours or something? Again, I really can't say what they'd be comfortable with; I'd try to inspire discussion between the two on a meetingplace once Vivian agrees that she is definitely allowed to go in order to resolve this, and it is in fact a good idea to go and resolve this.

The above also applies to Bob, though I must admit that I really do know how Bob in particular feels; it'll probably open up a lot of old wounds and there will be a lot of tears and heartache and I think he just needs someone to kick his ass into going because he's gonna avoid it and not wanna do it because having that emotional damage hurts like a motherfucker but if you do nothing he'll just hurt on and think of her forever or at least a very long time, to the point where he'll enjoy his life less. It's like you were stabbed in the stomach with a large knife and even though it's good to keep the knife in initially so you don't bleed out, eventually that knife's gotta come out so your body can heal so it can stop hurting so much and so you can get that knife out of your life for good and not have it constantly sticking out of you. I don't wanna give him too much hope that he'll come back because that's kinda like giving a kid hope that his parents will get back together again and everything will be good like it was before mom and dad separated because it's probably not gonna happen and you'll just spend your non-adult life waiting for superman to fix everything and sometimes you've just gotta move on and accept it. Maybe it'll come and I don't wanna say that he'll never get "his" girl back because heck, what if it does happen? But that doesn't mean you should spend your life watching and waiting for that. There's more to life than just love; you can't love someone else if you can't love of yourself.

A lot of that was a run-on sentence but I really don't give a fuck, I personally needed to get that out as well.
Well yeah, there's no proof that he'd actually do that to her, but seeing as how I almost got into a fist fight with Bob earlier in the week, I can understand why Vivian's bf might be scared because of what happened and there's no real way to reassure him (not that I would seeing as how I don't know him and he doesn't know me.)

They both want to talk, but the problem is, they're running out of time since Bob leaves in a few days and well despite some of our other friends trying to get Vivian and him to talk, they've done nothing to convince her since she's still afraid of how Kevin might react if he found out. I do know however that Vivian doesn't know when Bob is leaving for Asia since we all tried our best to not give her a date. So that might have something to do with it. I don't know in all honesty. Bob tried way too hard before so he doesn't want to make that first step to start the conversation, so I have to talk to Vivian and somehow convince her to talk. Though it would be awkward if I just go, "Hey viv, have you and bob talked yet? You know he's leaving soon right?" Somehow doing something like that seems disastrous and would only worsen the problem.

As far as location is concerned, I don't feel it's my responsibility since I really have no idea where they went on dates or what location might be a special place for just the two of them. Though I'm pretty sure that there has to be somewhere that they'll both be able to share an emotional connection but that's between them and not really my business to interfere.

Weirdly enough, you hit the nail on the head. It is something he'd probably avoid going to at all costs haha for the reasons you listed. The problem is the people that should help him are kinda er on vacation right now and failed/were unable to help him which is why I'm stepping up. I honestly have no idea like what I can do or say to Vivian to get her to agree or get her to be more open with locations since time's running out and I'll feel like a terrible friend if I let Bob leave to Asia while still holding onto such regrets since currently his way of trying to move on clearly isn't working. I honestly don't really care if they get back together or not, in fact I'd rather they don't, but I do care enough about the two of them that I'd want them to leave on a good note.

Overall thanks for the reply, and the run ons didn't really bother me since it was still pretty legible. I'm still stumped on what to do however and well eh. Everything's so complicated. If anyone else in cong has any advice or words of wisdom, feel free to chime in.
 
Meant to ask, what do you guys think about kissing on the first date? I'm a freshman in college, and from the recent dates I've had in the past couple weeks as well as my last two years of high school, I usually end up kissing/making out after it. But sometimes it's kinda awkward after that to a degree, and usually future plans with that girl fall through. Just wanting to know your opinions.
 

KM

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try page 63 and 64

Most people I've kissed it was after I'd had sex with them, but it really depends on the context. How well do you know the person? Have you known them for a long time or did you just meet? Some dates are about 'srs love', and others are about rubbing your genitals together, and others are about other things. Ultimately a date is whatever you all make of it, together.

In the normative progression (as I've heard it) you'd kiss sometime between before the first date (if there is one) and before the first time you have sex with that person (If you have sex with that person).

I don't think you should do what feels right, you should do what is right, which may mean not coming onto someone even when you have feels. js, be mindful about it.
for convenience
 

Chou Toshio

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life too short to worry about "problems" of this level.
-Heavy chick-- just tell her flat out you're not interested. You're just wasting her time/feelings.
-sexfriend-- if she's willing to invest emotion/time/effort in you, consider being serious (if you can be). Otherwise keep it in pants until the fall.

Haruno Shiruba

There is so much not understood about the situation (by us readers, ie. I don't know enough)-- but from what is written, honestly dude I can understand Kevin and can't really get on your friend's side; though of course from your end, all you can do is try to support your bro, so I'll try to stick to advice that will be for YOU.

First off though, why I can't blame Kevin for being protective here. It's not just about thinking Bob will try to "steal" her from him. He's got to think about HER-- about her personal safety, both physically AND emotionally.

And her wanting to see Bob does not put Kevin in the wrong for stopping her either. Just like you can think Bob is a dumb ass and know better than he does what's good for him (and as a responsible friend, advise him accordingly), Kevin may see her meeting Bob as being bad for her despite her wanting to meet Bob. If he's worried about her, it's his RESPONSIBILITY as a good boyfriend to advise her against meeting Bob, and try to stop her (to the extent he can without using force or coercion).

This is especially unavoidable because Bob resorted to physical violence against Kevin-- him being unable to trust Bob with Viv's safety is unfortunately unavoidable. Or at least entirely justified.

If Viv is to meet Bob, she's got to really want it-- but the choice is her's alone, and there's not a whole lot Bob or you can do about it.

In any case, you guys should focus on Bob-- and for his sake, I'm not convinced whether meeting/not meeting Viv is even worth worrying about. Healing is gonna have to come from him, and he can't expect it to come from her. The more he worries and focuses on her, the more miserable he's likely to feel.

Honestly, I'm not worried about him studying abroad in Asia. As far as life paths /decisions go, they could be dumber. I mean, I have a friend who did the exact same thing-- studying abroad in Asia to get away from depression and a haunting girl issue-- and honestly he turned out much better for it.

When every simple task becomes a struggle with language and foreign culture-- eating, finding a toilet, not getting lost-- you're pretty much forced to get your head out of your ass. There's a lot of life lessons, a lot of self-discovery, and a lot of personal growth to be found abroad. Plus with all the pretty, foreign obsessed girls surrounding him, there'll be more pressing issues at hand (like keeping off the crazy white-obsessed psycho bitch ones).

I'd say using force on Kevin was the dumb decision here (amongst others), not so much the study abroad. Getting depressed, drinking, etc. was pretty dumb too-- but to me, it sounds more young than dumb. He sounds very young (and naive, and yes I'm saying this as one of the forum's older members based on the stats).

He doesn't sound like he's ready or in a state to get serious about life (studies, career)-- if he can broken up this bad by a girl, it's not like he's ready to face the "real world." So I'd say seeking out a change, seeking out a chance to grow up is good. Study abroad is not a bad outlet here-- getting lost can mean finding the way; as long as you got the time/money to blow on it.

Edit: Several years though? There is no reason to go soul searching for several years. He should cut his plans to 6months-1year, especially if he doesn't speak the language.

Try to be excited for and supportive of your bro, and get him looking ahead instead of behind.
 
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Meant to ask, what do you guys think about kissing on the first date? I'm a freshman in college, and from the recent dates I've had in the past couple weeks as well as my last two years of high school, I usually end up kissing/making out after it. But sometimes it's kinda awkward after that to a degree, and usually future plans with that girl fall through. Just wanting to know your opinions.
It depends on the atmosphere and the person to be honest. If I'm not feeling anything for the girl, then I usually just give her a hug and move on my merry way. If I feel like it could go somewhere / the girl is just hot, I'll kiss on the first date. In the end, just roll with it, whatever happens happens.

If it gets awkward after, it's probably because either you or her are treating the situation differently because you kissed, which is pretty silly in the grand scheme of things. Or you're a bad kisser. Either or.
 
It depends on the atmosphere and the person to be honest. If I'm not feeling anything for the girl, then I usually just give her a hug and move on my merry way. If I feel like it could go somewhere / the girl is just hot, I'll kiss on the first date. In the end, just roll with it, whatever happens happens.

If it gets awkward after, it's probably because either you or her are treating the situation differently because you kissed, which is pretty silly in the grand scheme of things. Or you're a bad kisser. Either or.
When I mean awkward, I mean like we did more later than just kissing later that night (meant to clarify) and the next time we see each other in person, it's awkward because we don't know each other well lol. Not being full of myself but I'm pretty sure I'm a good kisser.
 
I dont like posting about personal stuff and I never did this before because I dont know I feel kinda ridiculous about telling to the rest of people my feelings / thoughts but maybe someone can help or giving me an different standpoint.

I met a guy weeks ago so I feel very good and everything was prolly too fast (seems frustating if you can give more about yourself and stops because whatever things). So now he told that to their mum/dad and are homophobic (well, i knew this before) and told to stop talking with me, so aparently he decided this..

Honestly I cant understand nothing how people is so inmature and lacks of values on his life, so everything is really frustrated and sad for me right now.

Each day I'm feel more comfortable with myself because i know that im not hurting another people, being honest with yourself and doing what really is important is the best thing that you can do in your life, my feelings right now are "people like you is only a 4% sadly" but that doesn't heal an heart broken.


Thanks for reading and sorry for my bad english >.<
 
So I moved into college (I go to the University of Kentucky) on Friday. The first day, I was suppose to go with my friends to a party but that didn't happen and we just ended up staying at our dorm to talk to the kids that we were rooming with. The second day though, we went to a frat party and I ended up getting about 8 girls phones numbers as well as getting laid. I can pretty much say I could get use to this :pimp:
 
So I moved into college (I go to the University of Kentucky) on Friday. The first day, I was suppose to go with my friends to a party but that didn't happen and we just ended up staying at our dorm to talk to the kids that we were rooming with. The second day though, we went to a frat party and I ended up getting about 8 girls phones numbers as well as getting laid. I can pretty much say I could get use to this :pimp:
thanks a bunch for posting this, man
 

WaterBomb

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So I moved into college (I go to the University of Kentucky) on Friday. The first day, I was suppose to go with my friends to a party but that didn't happen and we just ended up staying at our dorm to talk to the kids that we were rooming with. The second day though, we went to a frat party and I ended up getting about 8 girls phones numbers as well as getting laid. I can pretty much say I could get use to this :pimp:
So basically, you need advice on how to treat the STDs you now have?
 
Hi all, back with another problem here.
First off, sorry for bumping the thread, but I could do with some advice on a situation. My friends and I have cause to believe that another friend (let's call him 'R') has an issue regarding his view of sex, what is appropriate and what isn't, and the like. I'm not qualified enough to use the word 'issue' pathologically, but I think that's the best way of describing things. For the context, we're in the finishing year of secondary school and although we're at a single-sex school, there is an all-girls school on the same site and there is intermingling during break and lunch times. I'd like to know how to address the following issue or whether I am just 'seeing' things.
R has done some questionable things in the past. Last year he received oral sex from an underage girl in one of the Boys' school classrooms during school hours. The curtains were closed so he wasn't caught, but word spread through his boasts. A lot of his friends told him this was not at all appropriate, but he brushed it off as 'banter' and never gave it any more thought. More recently (last month) he fingered a different girl on the kitchen worksurface of the Sixth Form Common Room of the Girls' School, and word got out again. Most of us were disgusted; this is where girls prepare their food, after all. Again, he sees no problem with this. We can't see why he doesn't see this. Not only is it illegal and against school rules (obviously), but it's disrespectful to the schools and everyone who works in them.
R is very active on facebook, where a worrying trend has now developed. Most of his activity is full of him commenting on younger girls' photos, saying things like 'sexy' or 'If you look closely you can see X or Y'. On an ALS Ice Bucket challenge he wrote something to the effect of 'my new masturbation material' underneath it. Some girls brush it off, but some are very creeped out, telling him to stop but he just calls it 'banter'. Some girls have been genuinely frightened by this, but he doesn't seem to care about that. Put simply, his attitude is very laissez-faire.
A group of my friends came together and decided what has been going on has become too worrying, and we feel we need to say something to him. He dismisses everything as banter so we feel we have to be more direct.

My question is: are we justified in seeing a problem, and if yes, how do you think would be best to deliver it to him?
 

KM

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Yes, you're justified in seeing a "problem". I hesitate to use that word without scare quotes because of the possibility that his "problem" is not actually a fully "curable" misunderstanding of why it isn't OK to have sex and objectify young girls but rather an actual pre-disposition to being attracted to children. I certainly wouldn't jump to this conclusion, as many people fail to understand how the concept of consent plays into sexually interacting with underage people ("They didn't say no! I had consent"). Of course, if it is a form of pedophilia, this doesn't excuse his actions by any form - but it does perhaps explain his actions and reactions.

What I would do is to approach him as a group, explain to him about why what he's doing is wrong - sexualizing young people is inherently nonconsensual because they aren't developmentally able to give consent like an adult is and shouldn't be coerced into sexual activity, and it's essentially taking advantage of someone's naïveté or lack of knowledge / capacity to make a rational decision about being ready to be sexually active. Obviously, there's nothing magic about a certain age that suddenly turns people from "child" to "acceptable sexual object" overnight in "normal" peoples' eyes, but an arbitrary age (with some leeway in policy varying by state) is necessary in order to protect against sexually predatory behavior. If your friend is consistently being outwardly sexually aggressive towards young girls, that is cause for concern. Regardless of whether this is something to do with his sexuality or merely his ignorance of why these laws exist, he needs to understand why what he's doing is wrong. It's possible that he has doubts himself, which might explain his eagerness to discount your advice as "bantering".

At any rate, the end goal is to stop him from sexually harassing girls (in general, tbh, but especially underage ones), so you should absolutely sit him down and have a talk. The likely possibility is that he just doesn't understand the concept of consent - it is massively misunderstood.

Good luck =3
 

Chou Toshio

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frogoholic101

I think what kitten milk said about minors is right on the mark, but reading your post I'm not sure that's the aspect of this topic that's particularly distressing. You mentioned you're in secondary school, so there is the potential that R himself is a minor, and so the girls in question might be people he sees as his peer group, which greatly changes the focus of discussion.

Clarification?
 

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