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smo koans

Discussion in 'Smogon's Greatest Hits' started by v, Jan 20, 2014.

  1. v

    v protected by a silver spoon
    is a Site Staff Alumnusis a Super Moderator Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnus
    ULTRA Moderator

    Nov 2, 2008
    zen, man

    1. a cup of tea

    rodan, a smogon moderator, received a new user who came to inquire about Firebot

    for refreshment, rodan served shit. he poured his visitor's cup full, then continued to defecate.

    the user watched his cup overflow until he could no longer restrain himself. "stop! the cup cannot take any more!"

    "like this cup," rodan said, "I cannot take any more of your shit. how can I show you firebot when you are so full of shit?"

    5. if you love, love openly

    Twenty users and one mod, who was named skylight, were practicing meditation with a certain Zen master

    skylight was a girl even though smogon is a pokemon website. Several users secretly fell in love with her. one of them wrote her a private message, insisting upon some naked pictures

    skylight did not reply. the following day the master gave a lecture to the group, and when it was over, skylight arose. addressing the one who had written to her, she said: "If you really love me so much, come and show me your dick now."

    64. chaos sweat

    chaos was asked to officiate at the funeral of a Princeton professor.

    he had never met many of the people from the professor’s field before so he was nervous. when the discussion started, he began to sweat.

    afterwards, when he returned, he gathered his friends together. He told them was not ready rule smogon for he lacked the sameness of bearing in the world of meat as he did on the internet. then chaos disappeared.

    eight years later, he returned and did most everything he said

    70. the most valuable thing in the world

    v, a smogon ultramod, was asked by a user: "what is the most valuable thing in the world?"

    v replied: "smogon likes”

    “why are smogon likes the most valuable thing in the world?” inquired the user

    v replied: “because no man can say their value”
  2. Fatecrashers

    Fatecrashers acta est fabula
    is a Site Staff Alumnusis an Artist Alumnusis a Super Moderator Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnusis a Battle Server Moderator Alumnus

    Sep 24, 2007
    No Trolls and Flames
    A user asked Birkal, "How can we escape the trolls and flames?" Birkal replied, "Why not go where there is no trolls and flames?" "Is there such a place?" the user asked. Birkal commented, "When trolled, be thoroughly trolled; when flamed, be flamed through and through."

    The Short Penis
    sprinkles held out his short penis and said, "If you call this a short penis, you oppose its reality. If you do not call it a short penis, you ignore the fact. Now what do you wish to call this?"

    Nexus's Hacks
    Nexus was a famous Super Moderator who lived in Wifi, the forum to which he took his game. One day a troubled user approached him, intending to ask the Super Moderator for guidance. A Cyndaquil walked by. The user asked Nexus, "Has that Cyndaquil a Timid-nature or not?" The user had barely completed his question when Nexus shouted: "HACKS!"

    The Turtle in the Garden
    Woodchuck saw a turtle in the garden of Fatecrashers's monastery and commented, "The turtle looks like he is having one shell of a time!" Fatecrashers took off one of his sandals and beat Woodchuck up with it.

    The Anime Style Battling Forum
    Deck Knight lived and taught in the ASB forum, and capefeathers lived and taught in the CAP forum. One day, a user came from the ASB forum to the CAP forum in search of teaching. capefeather said to him, "My CAP forum is no better than the ASB forum." The user did not know what reply to make. When he returned to Deck Knight and told him the story, Deck Knight said, "You should have told him that I am ready to enter Trou du Cul any day."
  3. KS2


    Nov 19, 2013
    44. The Chris Who Became a Badged User

    One evening as users were talking about Clamperl Chris is me a user with a sharp tongue entered the thread, demanding wither their topic or their lives.

    The users told him: "Do not disturb us. You shall find nothing from us." Then they resumed their discussion. Chris is me took a big huff and a puff and he flamed the whole thread down.

    A little while afterwards they stopped and called: "Did you even read his post?"

    Chris gathered up all of the topic and started to leave. "Hey, why is the chat going off topic," the users added. Chris replied,
    "The reason this chat is going off topic is because there never was a way for the public to discuss the criterion for Uber (and now they're never will be as even if a member of the public gets PR the topic is locked)" and made off.

    A few days afterwards the fellow was infracted and banned, among others, the offense against Tangerine. When Tangerine was called as a witness he said:
    "He hasn't changed in months, I don't expect him to change at this point anyway - and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one to think that he's going to change his ways, no matter what we do."

    After he had finished his ban duration, the man returned and changed his ways and earned a badge.
    47. The Stingy Artist

    Gessen Fan was an artist, among other things on Smogon. Before he would start a drawing or painting he always insisted upon being liked in advance, and his fees were high. He was known as the "awful user."

    A geisha named Makoscientist once gave him a commission for a painting. "How much can you pay?" inquired G Fan.

    "Whatever you charge," replied the 'girl', "but I want you to do the work in front of me."

    So on a certain day G Fan was called by the geisha. She was holding a feast for her new god.

    G Fan with fine brush work did the painting. When it was completed he asked the highest like of his time.

    He received his pay. Then the geisha turned to her new god, saying: "All this artist wants is likes. His paintings are fine but his mind is dirty; likes have caused it to become muddy. Drawn by such a filthy mind, his work is not fit to exhibit. It is just about good enough for one of my servants."

    Bringing coolpoke, she then asked Gessen to do another picture on the back of him.

    "How many alts will you like with?" asked Gessen.

    "Oh, any amount," answered the girl.

    Gessen named a fancy amount, painted the picture in the manner requested, and went away.

    It was learned later that Gessen had these reasons for desiring likes:

    A ravaging famine often visited Smogon. The rich would not like the poor, so G.G Fan had a secret forum, unknown to anyone, which he kept filled with alts with likes, prepared for those emergencies.

    From GameFAQs to Smogon the differences were in very extreme and many travellers suffered while traversing it. He desired to build a better Smogon.

    His new god had passed away without realizing his wish to build a temple, and G.G Fan wished to complete this temple for him.

    After Gessen had failed all of his three wishes he threw away his Smogon alts and artist's materials and, retiring to his forums, never posted on Smogon again.
    Rocket Grunt likes this.
  4. GCSChris


    Dec 25, 2012
    I don't even know what I just gave you then. That must mean no one can measure the caliber of this thread ;]
  5. Oglemi

    Oglemi dab.
    is a member of the Site Staffis a Super Moderatoris a Tournament Director Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Researcher Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnusis an Administrator Alumnus
    Secret Boss Mod

    Oct 13, 2009
    The CAP Forum
    A new user wandered into the CAP forum hoping to share his ideas and designs to the world. The user was met with the heavy hand of the deleter DougJustDoug. Frustrated, the user inquired as to why his ideas were shunned, to which DougJustDoug replied: "Like life, creating Pokemon is simple, but we insist on making it complicated." The user proceeded to wade into the text ocean of the first thread he found to try and learn more. It is assumed he drowned.
  6. Thorns


    Feb 17, 2007
    49. Brown-Nosed King Buddha

    A user who was searching for enlightenment made a statue of King Buddha and covered it with gold leaf. Wherever he went he carried this golden King Buddha with him.

    Years passed and, still carrying his King Buddha, the user came to post in a small forum on a website where there were many King Buddhas, each one with its own particular shrine.

    The user wished to shitpost before his golden King Buddha. Not liking the idea of his cancer straying to the others, he devised a thread through which the cancer would ascend only to his King Buddha. This browned the nose of the golden King Buddha, making it especially shitty.
  7. Minwu


    Apr 25, 2006
    smo koans are what i always called those sno cones people make with snow that's been pissed in
  8. v

    v protected by a silver spoon
    is a Site Staff Alumnusis a Super Moderator Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnus
    ULTRA Moderator

    Nov 2, 2008
    43. Showdown in a Badger's Life

    Tobes was a well-known supermod of his time. He had posted several threads and modded in various subforums.

    The last thread he posted accumulated so many likes that Tobes told them he was going to quit the mod business entirely. He advised them to disperse and to post wherever they desired. After that no one could find any trace of him.

    Three years later one of his disciples discovered him admining on Pokemon Showdown. He at once implored Tobes to teach him.

    "If you can do as I do for even a couple of days, I might," Tobes replied.

    So the former disciple /nicked as an admin and spent a day with Tobes. The following day one of the users spammed and was banned. Tobes and his pupil checked the IP at midnight and banned it from the server. After that they returned to their randbat series.

    Tobes modded calmly the remainder of the night, but the disciple could not. When morning came Tobes said: "We do not have to create alts to troll today. Our banned friend has left one over there." But the disciple was unable log in single time on it.

    "I have said you could not do as I," concluded Tobes. "Get out of here and do not bother me again."

    72. The Blockhead Mod

    Two users, shade and RODAN, were invited to visit a firemod, cookie. Upon arriving, shade said to the lord: "You are humorous by nature and have an inborn ability to lead Firebot."

    "Nonsense," said RODAN. "Why do you flatter this blockhead? He may be a firemod, but he doesn't know anything of my 99 IRC channels."

    So, instead of modding RODAN, cookie modded shade and together they laughed about RODAN's channels.

    73. Svccessor

    LC Mod hopefuls take a vow that even if they are killed by their teacher, they intend to learn LC. Usually they sacrifice their reputation and seal their resolution with shame. In time the vow has become a mere formality, and for this reason the pupil who died by the hand of SevenDeadlySins was made to appear a martyr.

    SDS had become a severe moderator. His fellows feared him. One of them on duty, Gen Empoleon, posted in Inside Scoop to tell the state of the community and missed crediting SDS's work when his eye was attracted by a beautiful girl in meatspace.

    At that moment SDS, who was directly behind him, hit him with a text bullet and the shock happened to kill him.

    The pupil's guardian, eric the espeon, hearing of the accident, went directly to SDS. Knowing that he was not to blame, he praised the master for his severe teaching. SDS's attitude was just the same as if the pupil were still alive.

    After this took place, he was able to produce under his guidance the modervader, a very unusual user.

    88. How To Write a Shit Thread

    A well-known firemod was asked how to compose a good thread.

    "The usual shitty thread has four elements," he explained. "The first element is a lack of punctuation; the second element is a continuation of this theme, a lack of capitalization; the third line turns from this and is a dearth of content; and the fourth line brings the first three elements together, difficulty of contribution. A popular Trou du Cul thread illustrates this: http://www.smogon.com/forums/thread...basics-oh-and-for-laughs-look-at-siggy.22393/
    az, wishes, Aurora and 3 others like this.
  9. TheMantyke

    is a Smogon Social Media Contributoris a Forum Moderatoris a Site Staff Alumnusis a Team Rater Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnus

    Jun 9, 2007

  10. LonelyNess

    LonelyNess Makin' PK Love
    is a Tournament Director Alumnusis a Forum Moderator Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnusis a Battle Server Moderator Alumnus

    Mar 23, 2007
    These are amusing but idg the reference.
  11. Walrein

    Walrein That's one of my rules.
    is a Community Contributor

    Jun 9, 2011
    LonelyNess likes this.
  12. tennisace

    tennisace /me dabs
    is a member of the Site Staffis a Smogon Social Media Contributoris a Community Contributoris a Pokemon Researcheris a Tiering Contributoris a Contributor to Smogonis a Smogon Media Contributoris an Administratoris a CAP Contributor Alumnus
    C&C Chief

    Dec 16, 2007
    45. Right and Wrong

    When cookie held his seclusion-weeks of posting, users from many parts of Smogon came to attend. During one of these gatherings a user was caught shitposting. The matter was reported to cookie with the request that the culprit be banned. cookie ignored the case.

    Later the user was caught in a similar act, and again cookie disregarded the matter. This angered the other users, who drew up a petition asking for the banning of the user, stating that otherwise they would leave for another forum.

    When cookie had read the petition he called everyone before him. "You are wise brothers," he told them. "You know what is right and what is not right. You may go somewhere else to post if you wish, but this poor brother does not even know right from wrong. Who will teach him if I do not? I am going to keep him here even if all the rest of you leave."

    A torrent of tears cleansed the face of RODAN. All desire to shitpost had vanished.
    az, wishes, fleurdyleurse and 19 others like this.
  13. xenu

    xenu Banned deucer.

    Dec 27, 2010
    haha some of these are great, i'm gonna try and write one on my own hold up
  14. xenu

    xenu Banned deucer.

    Dec 27, 2010
    The Value of Lurking

    A serious young Pokemon trainer found the ways and customs of Firebot confusing. Whenever he spoke, he was called names and told to lurk more. But this user was arrogant. He did not understand the value of lurking.

    "If I post enough, people will begin to like me." he said.

    As the weeks went by, the user's plan did not work. In fact, the more he posted, the more the people of Firebot grew to despise him. This weighed on the user's conscience. He became depressed.

    One night, as had become his routine every night, the user visited a nearby tavern.

    "!barkeep scotch", he said, "two fingers."

    Sipping on his drink, the user reflected on the events of the past few weeks. In an inebriated state, he asked no-one in particular: "O, what does it mean to lurk more?"

    Suddenly, a renowned Firemod and Zen Master appeared beside him. "Tonight, go to the Firebot town square," he said. "go to the center, sit there in the lotus position and meditate. You must remain silent. Do not speak to anyone who goes there until the moon rises tomorrow night."

    The user did just as the Firemod instructed, but his meditation was frequently interrupted by worries. He worried about the discussions he would not get to participate in. He worried about all the opportunities to post puns, jokes, and gifs he would miss out on. He worried about his avatar. He worried about his signature. He worried about what the users who walked by said about him.

    Nonetheless, the user managed to persevere. In his meditative state, he observed the activities of all those users who went by. He followed their posting habits closely, and learned what was considered appropriate and what was not. He reflected in turn on his former posting habits and cringed at his ignorance.

    Soon, it came to be the evening of the next day. The moon peeked out from beyond the horizon.

    "I have learned enough," said the user. "I do not need to wait for the moon to rise. I am now ready to enter Firebot."

    He stood up from the lotus position and dusted himself. He had barely moved a single step when, as if to punish him, a pile of manure fell from the heavens onto his head, covering him in animal excrement. At the same time, two men walked by. One asked the other who that user standing there was.

    The second replied; "Some say he is a holy man. Others say he is a shithead."

    Hearing this, the user was enlightened.
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2014
    faint, Thorns, Shiruba and 1 other person like this.
  15. cookie

    cookie Firebot Development Lad
    is a Super Moderatoris a Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnus
    Super Moderator

    Mar 20, 2005
    Wow how did I miss this thread
  16. Tobes

    Tobes Na na na na na Na na na na na
    is a Site Staff Alumnusis a Battle Server Admin Alumnusis a Super Moderator Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnusis a defending World Cup of Pokemon champion

    Jul 16, 2010
    26. The Neckbearded Troll

    There once was a neckbearded troll. This troll was banned a million times, rejoined and trolled a million times, and he was banned by various people who he didn't really care for. The troll wasn't afraid to be banned. Then one day the troll became an alt, which meant he was free. He met a white-named female user, and the two of them spent their days together happily. Well, years passed, and the female user turned out to be a guy and was banned. The troll flamed a million times, and then he was banned too. Except this time, he didn't change IPs.
    faint likes this.
  17. xenu

    xenu Banned deucer.

    Dec 27, 2010
    cmon guys lets get some more SMO KOANS up in here
  18. v

    v protected by a silver spoon
    is a Site Staff Alumnusis a Super Moderator Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnus
    ULTRA Moderator

    Nov 2, 2008
    pateince, young grasshopper. acceptance never came to the steelicks who sought it
    Shiruba likes this.
  19. Layell

    Layell Alas poor Yorick!
    is an Artistis a Forum Moderatoris a Pokemon Researcheris a Battle Server Moderatoris a Smogon Social Media Contributor Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnus
    Sprite Leader

    Nov 5, 2006
    Another Other Meta

    A student approached Master Arcticblast with his proposal to create a format that balances every Pokemon ever created. Arcticblast examined the proposal, but instead of accepting it he took him on a walk through the temples forest.

    "Tell me student, which is the best tree in this forest?"

    "Well Master some produce fruit, and others have large branches, are they not all equally wonderful?"

    Arcticblast smiled and proclaimed "So if all the trees were the same height and produced the same fruit in every way why would anyone want to take more than a passing glance at it?"

    Evaison Cause

    A young brash battler new to Smogon learned of the Evaison Clause and scoffed at it.

    "There is a reason you should run Haze, or always hit moves like Aura Sphere. I bet half the battlers aren't even good"

    Thus with the help of V4 the student built his own server with OU rules and no Evaison Clause. He won some battles through it, and lost others. But soon fewer and fewer players arrived at his server. In anger he went back to Smogon to vent his frustration to deaf ears. Master Reyscarface recognized his anger and told him, "If you're going to want to play with Evaison Clause don't be surprised when players start evading you".

    The Tao of Suggestion Box

    One of the students who assisted the zen masters in charge of the Suggestion Box proclaimed, "These noobs post suggestions that have already been suggested, do they not see, why do they persist?"

    Master TheMantyke held open the large Suggestion Box and dumped its contents on the floor. "What suggestions do you see?"

    "There are too many to make out the individual ones."

    "Yet you would chide these newbies with the same error?"
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2014
  20. v

    v protected by a silver spoon
    is a Site Staff Alumnusis a Super Moderator Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnus
    ULTRA Moderator

    Nov 2, 2008
    163. the fruit grove

    a user walking in the forests of firebot came across a moderator meditating at the top of a fruit tree. the user picked one of the fallen fruits off the ground and offered it to the moderator, who refused it, and told the user to go home.

    the user returned the next day and picked one of the fruits from a branch on the ground, and again the fruit was refused.

    the user returned a third time, again picking the fruit and again it was refused. the user grew frustrated and said: "why have you refused my gifts time and again? I have offered them without malice, freely and without expectation."

    the moderator said: "the fruit nearest to the ground has the most worms."

    the user went away and returned with a ladder. he climbed the ladder, but found he could reach neither the branches where the fruit grew nor the fruit on the ground. "what is it that you want from me?" the user yelled up to the firemod.

    the moderator just smiled and returned to his meditation.

    many years passed before the user returned again to the grove and when he did, he found that the moderator had left. the user climbed the tree himself and saw a very long way.
    az, Oglemi, dwarfstar and 1 other person like this.
  21. Oglemi

    Oglemi dab.
    is a member of the Site Staffis a Super Moderatoris a Tournament Director Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Researcher Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnusis an Administrator Alumnus
    Secret Boss Mod

    Oct 13, 2009
    192. the fountain

    While taking a leisurely walk through the local park, Az saw that the water in the fountain was crystal blue. Az looked in awe at his amazing chiseled jaw, and stood wondering how it was possible that it did not pierce right through his own reflection.

    Every day upon discovery, Az would journey to the fountain to gaze upon his own face, and wore as dark of clothes as possible to contrast the most with the pale of his face, which made the viewing of his jaw all the more easy in the blue of the fountain.

    Az eventually found a way to capture his own reflection in a portrait, which he hung on a wall in the park, and offered to allow others to see their own reflection in the fountain and hang their portrait up with his own.

    One day, a beautiful maiden requested that she may do the same, to which Az allowed. However, as her portrait was hung up on the wall with the others, her beauty attracted men from all corners of the park. Az only had time to yell NO DON'T before it was too late; the men, in their eagerness to view the portrait of the maiden, toppled the wall with the other portraits.

    Az then created a separate wall for the women that wished to hang their portraits in the park, but where the men would not be allowed, though it is rumored that there is another wall in another park where the women purposefully hang their portraits in the hope that the men will one day destroy the wall as they scramble to get the best look.
    Birkal, v, Acklow and 1 other person like this.
  22. tennisace

    tennisace /me dabs
    is a member of the Site Staffis a Smogon Social Media Contributoris a Community Contributoris a Pokemon Researcheris a Tiering Contributoris a Contributor to Smogonis a Smogon Media Contributoris an Administratoris a CAP Contributor Alumnus
    C&C Chief

    Dec 16, 2007
    91. The Taste of V's Wit

    shade was the son of a famous Firebot Poster. His father, believing that his son's work was too mediocre to anticipate modship, disowned him.

    So shade went to Mount Fireboat and there found the famous moderator V. But V confirmed the father's judgment. "You wish to learn humor under my guidance?" asked V. "You cannot fulfill the requirements."

    "But if I work hard, how many years will it take me to become a master?" persisted the youth.

    "The rest of your life," replied V.

    "I cannot wait that long," explained shade. "I am willing to pass through any hardship if only you will teach me. If I become your devoted servant, how long might it be?"

    "Oh, maybe ten years," V relented.

    "My father is getting old, and soon I must take care of him," continued shade. "If I post far more intensively, how long would it take me?"

    "Oh, maybe thirty years," said V.

    "Why is that?" asked shade. "First you say ten and now thirty years. I will undergo any hardship to master this art in the shortest time!"

    "Well," said V, "in that case you will have to remain with me for seventy years. A man in such a hurry as you are to get results seldom learns quickly."

    "Very well," declared the youth, understanding at last that he was being rebuked for impatience, "I agree."

    shade was told never to speak of witty posting and never to touch a keyboard. He cooked for his master, washed the dishes, made his bed, cleaned the yard, cared for the garden, all without a word of humor.

    Three years passed. Still shade labored on. Thinking of his future, he was sad. He had not even begun to learn the art to which he had devoted his life.

    But one day V crept up behind him and gave him a terrific blow to his self-esteem with a well placed insult.

    The following day, when shade was cooking rice, V again sprang upon him unexpectedly.

    After that, day and night, shade had to defend himself from unexpected slanders. Not a moment passed in any day that he did not have to think of the taste of V's sharp wit.

    He learned so rapidly he brought smiles to the face of his master. shade became the greatest moderator in the land.
    az, Geodude6, v and 1 other person like this.

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