Hello and welcome to Smogon History Channel where the stories of the best of the best of Smogon University are told in 100% accurate truth gathered from eyewitness detail. Today we start you off with part one of three on one of the greatest men to ever live. Enjoy. --- Every million years a man so great graces the world that he becomes the stories of legend. He becomes legendary. This is the story of such a man. It all began in a small town outside of Montreal. He was the perfect man. A firm 6'4 with muscles that could make any girl faint on sight. His hair was a golden brown that beautifully reflected the sunlight. His eyes could look deep into your soul and reassure you that you're the only one for him. His teeth were nothing short of perfect - missing 6 that is. Yes, he was the perfect man, and the perfect hockey player. She was the perfect girl. Luscious red hair and a look on her face that let you know she'd be willing to lick maple syrup off of anywhere. She walked in a manner that could attract stares from even the most flaming of gays. Her beautiful lips whispered sweet nothings beneath every trivial word she uttered. Yes, they were a match made in heaven. Jonathan was the captain of his college hockey team. Rumors purported that he was to go first in the NHL draft. Dianne was the lead cheerleader and was looking to ride off Jonathan's success like any good Canadian girl was taught to do. It was the night before the Province finals and Jonathan couldn't sleep. He knew his draft position was almost set in stone, but he wanted to win the big one before he was forced to go live in the giant, scary United States of America, where hockey dreams supposedly come true and then falter under lackluster popularity and occasional strikes. He laid restless in his bed, his thoughts unable to leave the next day. At around 4 am, Jonathan started to drift of into sweet nothingness, however the growing need to empty his bladder of the night's Molsen XXXs began to creep up. While walking down the stairs towards the bathroom, he tripped and fell and sustained a horrible career ending injury. Oh and his girlfriend dumped him. And he had bad credit. --- Three months had passed since that terrible day on the staircase, where Jonathan's dreams were ruined faster than a movie with a cameo by Jennifer Lopez. Without hockey in his life, Jonathan was unable to find his true calling. He was getting desperate; he began to plead with God, "Wayne Gretzky...please show me the way. I need you now more than ever." And suddenly Jonathan noticed what was on the television. It was a commercial for Maple Syrup. But not just any old Maple Syrup. No, this was the Maple Syrup that his Aunt and Uncle up in the deep north produced. That was it, he determined. He was going to travel to northern Canada and become a Maple Syrup farmer with his Aunt and Uncle. --- A week later he arrived at the farm. It was a quaint little place. The main house was a light brown, altogether ordinary. The windows were boarded up, for insulation he assumed. The chimney puffed out a steady stream of grey gas. He had assumed that Maple Syrup farmers would earn enough money to afford central air; clearly he was wrong. The barn was empty except for a lone cattle, the reason for which escaped Jonathan. However he was quite sure he did not want to know why. He saw the door opening to the main house and out strolled his aunt and uncle. His uncle, quite muscular from the maple syrup farming, wore denim suspenders over a denim jacket, which itself was quite possibly over more denim. His aunt was a heavyset woman, most likely from the over indulgence in Maple Syrup. She wore those large spectacles that are still in style because I forget to mention this story is currently in the 1970s, sorry. She sported one of those flowered dresses that you were accustomed to seeing on overweight women in their mid 50s. His uncle moved towards Jonathan at a brisk pace while his aunt tried her best to keep up, but she had trouble overcoming the air resistance. "Jonathan! Jonathan, my boy! What a pleasure to see you. Ohohoho boy when I heard you were coming to do the world's most important work with me...why I just was as happy as an otter on Canadian Thanksgiving." When his uncle spoke, his walrus-like moustache shook up and down, forcing Jonathan to stifle quite a bit of laugher. "Yeah it's great that you decided to join us. Now hurry on in we're having pancakes for dinner!" his aunt added in her high pitched screech of a voice. "I'm just glad you guys decided to have me. You know after the injury I can't play hockey anymore and I really feel like Maple Syrup is my true calling. You know?" "I know just what you mean, my boy. Maple Syrup farming is the lord's work. Makes you feel whole inside." --- Jonathan soon realized that falling down those steps was a blessing. He became one of the greatest maple syrup farmers in Canadian history. At the age of 26 he married Bella. Bella was the most prized farm girl in the whole town - that is to say she was less fat and less ugly than the rest. A year later, with the help of immense amounts of alcohol and viagra, Jonathan and Bella conceived their first child. "Congratulations! It's a boy!" "Bella, can we name him after my grandfather Alexander?" "Why of course we can." Jonathan and Bella were busy celebrating their new addition to the family when the doctor entered the room, his face solemn and every step he took filled with reluctance. "Sir...ma'm...I have bad news. Your son is showing early signs of extreme, extreme mental retardation...now I know this is tough to hear for you two, but if you'd like we'd be more than willing to put him down for you." "No thanks doctor, we can do it ourselves," replied Jonathan. He always feared this day would come. No one thinks it could happen to them, but he knew he had to do the right thing and murder his baby boy. "Are you quite sure? This sort of thing is second nature to us here at Canadian General Hospital." "No it's alright. We brought him into this world, we might as well rid it of him." And with that the matter was settled. The drive back to the farmhouse was silent, neither of them willing to look at the abomination in the back seat, nor at each other. Bella, having trouble coping with the situation, risked a quick glance to the back seat. Alexander was looking right at her...with a smile on his face. Bella quickly turned around and tried to forget what she had seen. Upon returning home, Jonathan quickly rushed to the nearest weapon and readied himself at the feet of his newborn boy. Jonathan lifted the hockey stick high over his head and was ready to bring the wooden blade down upon his son- "-WAIT!" cried Bella. The image from the car was flaring in her brain. That smile, so adorable, so human. "What is it?" "I don't think I can let you do this. He may not be fully human, but I saw it in him. We can raise him to be normal. I know we can. Please don't do this." "Well...if that's what you want...I could never deny your wishes. But he sure as hell isn't having my grandfather's name." "That's fine, I understand." She, for the second time that night, looked her newborn child directly in the eyes. "He looks....like a Curtis." "Hmmm...Curtis....does sound like a proper retard's name." And so it was, Curtis was spared. --- Curtis was a quiet boy. He had no friends because his parents never allowed him to leave the house, nor did they ever invite any of the neighbor's kids over for fear of them discovering what they were harboring in their home. He was homeschooled, though at his slow learning speed he was still stuck in the 1st grade at age 15. His only true companion was the 16 inch television set that sat in his room. The television fascinated him. Entire new worlds to explore with just the touch of a button. From Steve and Blue's house to Barney's playground, the possibilities were endless. But one day Curtis made a mistake that would turn out to change the entire path of his life. Meaning to hit 36 for his 3 pm teletubbies, Curtis's awkward fingers accidentally hit the 7 by mistake, turning him to channel 37. Curtis would usually skip right by channel 37, or "MTV" as the watermark on the bottom right hand corner referred to it, but something caught his eye today. Right before Curtis's eyes stood the most amazing thing he had ever seen in his life. This man that stood before him was nothing short of a god, a visionary of his time. The music that came from the tv speakers made Curtis's ears dance, it made his heart flutter, it made him feel like nothing else in the world was as important as focusing his full attention on every change in beat, on every uttered lyric. When the music ended, Curtis stared intently at the screen, hoping it would soon reveal to him what Adonis could have created such perfection. Then it appeared. The title of the song was "Popozao" by one Kevin Federline. "...Kevin Federline..." whispered Curtis in stunned disbelief. He was amazed that something so perfect could exist in this world. He knew, if it was the last thing he'd ever do, that he would one day be exactly like Kevin Federline.