I feel as though I am in the middle of one. I've always accepted humanity as something sinister and completely self-serving, but lately it's been bothering me. A lot. The girl whom I love, I can tell, is emotionally insensitive and would probably drop me if things weren't going so well. The worst part is I feel I'm no different, nor any person in the world other than an extremely tiny minority. I hardly feel sorry for lonely losers because if in a higher hierarchical position they would take advantage just as popular assholes do. I remember joining the chess club as a noob in high school, being discriminated against based on my chess skill. I was still learning but was a slight outcast because of this. And these are the same pushovers who would complain about superficial popular people. I take it to mean that the difference between me and someone who appears nice but is generally disliked is that I'm the asshole on top and he's the shit stain at the bottom, trying to weasel his way up. Even acts of generosity seem in one's self-interest, either to fit in due to social pressures (a new culture of social awareness) or for simply uplifting oneself. We're just more elaborate and sophisticated monkeys, prone to the same cruel social misgivings, hatred and self-interest. Any altruism is done for the purpose of self-satisfaction, either as a pat on the back sort of thing, a way to lose the debt of guilt, or an act designed for mutual benefit. And as I said before, I feel like I'm, if anything, the paradigm of this ugly underbelly of humanity. I try to convince myself that this ugliness is relative or some product of unreasonable expectations set by overly optimistic narratives told to me as a child, but I can't deal lately. I need help or some solution. Obviously the answer can't be foolishly optimistic because it has to take into account some darkness, but there must be some resolution, or some light. There just has to be, right?