hey where are the dou power rankings
ah fuck it i'll just make my own. behold my spl 9 dou power rankings. note that these are based on my expert knowledgeable guessing and my 5am brain because i haven't played a single game of dou in 6 months nor do i have an iota of a goddamn clue who is even good anymore.
pearl if you're reading this please don't panic, it'll be ok. just tell yourself it will be okay until it isn't okay anymore. i can't lose more than four games by midseason anyways so it isn't like your whole season is in the shitbin.
1) laga
10,000 volt self-thunderbolt into lightningrod, the myth, the legend. he never goes away. i'm pretty sure he didn't get drafted but that's not going to stop him. he will for sure be the best dou player this year. one of these years we're gonna get it right.
2) demantoid
when you have a name like demantoid it probably means you aren't fucking around. i'm not sure what he does best or how good he is but i'm sure he's plenty good or else the sharks wouldn't have drafted him. after all, the sharks expertly planned to drop 15k on a 4-5 washed up vgcer last year before shake unzipped his pants and showed them a thing or two about really bad drafting. if demantoid doesnt finish above .500 it'll be a pretty big shocker though.
3) marilli
marilli doesnt think hes good but dont let that fool you, hes actually good. he sometimes says he sucks and then goes off and wins 4 games in a row. you know he's about to unleash unholy fury when he posts in team chat about taking a hiatus because of suck, which translates to him realizing the next morning "beneath the veil of my shampoo i have received a vision during this early morning shower that i must return and quit being a sad sack of shit" and then comes back to chat later that day as if nothing ever happened. everyone knows the drill so they just pretend it didn't happen.
4) majorbowman
he is a good player but there is not a single person out there who is more vulnerable to getting mazar'd and watching a win get stolen h4h4h4. he should probably be over .500 if he keeps his head out of the clouds for long enough to play decent pokemon.
5) croven
sounds like a dou player who isnt bad so im putting him at number 5. i remember i thought he was pretty good at one point. i dont know much more, so hes right here at 5 for ya.
6) biosci + tman
if anyone can get biosci to stop building 9 different versions of the same team, it's tman. there won't be a 10th version because biobrr sucks too much to win more than 3 games but he'll probably win exactly 3. hope the cryonicles are ready for him.
7) miltankmilk
i remember someone told me miltankmilk was an entitled asshole who thought he was the tits but it turns out after a conversation with him that he's a fine dude. i dont know how good he is but he seems like hes ok?? probably better than biosci but i forgot who else even got drafted and i'm too lazy to move him up so he's staying right here at 7th.
8) stax
he just withdrew from npa as he's too busy so he's probably gonna run outta time! sucks to be stax. i wish he had more time.
9) embcpt
we get it you're from portugal!! and you've also never played a spl match before, good luck kid. hope your opponents don't catch on to you using mudsdale all 9 weeks.
10) jhon
who the fuck has a username that's not only misspelled but also isn't their real name?? this guy, apparently