It was a day just like any other. I had grabbed a box of tissues, a bottle of lotion, and my favorite reading material: the 2011 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. I was preparing for a solid hour of entertainment. But there WAS something different about this day: I had forgotten to lock my bedroom door. My mother, a wonderful creature, came to my room to offer me a divine meal of ham sandwiches for lunch. Upon arriving at my door, she became quite puzzled by my moans of ecstasy and inquired about the nature of my activities. When I was unable to provide an answer, she opened the door and crossed the threshold of my bedroom. What she saw shocked and astonished her. My beautiful, massive phallus was hanging out the front of my trousers, and a Kleenex was hanging limp in my right hand, which glistened with lotion. The trash can I had placed in front of me was filled to the brim with semen. My mother, a devoutly religious woman, threw the trash can out my bedroom window, shoved the Kleenex down my throat, and shoved my wonderful phallus into the disk drive of my computer. This is why I was offline for the week.