I ignore the intro. For those who don’t know, I’m a 25 year old male so even if I had never played this in my life, I don’t need instructions. I choose the name Blue for my avatar and as an homage to the game itself. Rival obviously gets the name Red. You all know what happens here, anyway. Once the shrink ray hits, I play a quick game of SNES, check my email at the computer and grab a potion. Fortunately, no Windows 95 blue screen.
Making a beeline to the north, I am stopped by Prof. Oak immediately, as if I’m about to commit suicide by heading any further. I guess pigeons and rats are ravenous creatures that can rip me to shreds without a guard dog of my own for protection.
Back at the lab, I am given a choice of guard dog before Oak’s own grandson. Suck it, Red! Being lazy, I turn to my right and grab the fire lizard Charmander. I was going to pick Squirtle but SoS is a dick and did that already. On the bright side, manga Blue also has Charmander so let the parallels continue! I bestow the affectionate nickname of “REDMEDICNE” after the Fugazi album (particularly for
“Bed For The Scraping” but, you know, character limits..) on Charmander and await my rival’s predictable starter selection.
Red picks Squirtle like a loser, hoping to get some advantage over me, and we battle it out for trainer supremacy. I gladly accept the experience points while my rival trudges off in a huff after his defeat. He better get used to that...
Nothing much happens afterward. Kill some Pidgeys and Rattatas, obtain the free potion, grab the parcel in Viridian along with another potion, and play UPS man for Oak. Upon my return to Pallet Town, I’m told I need to enslave all pokemon I can find to catalog them in the pokedex. OK, cool, I can do that. Can I have that Bulbasaur on your desk to help get me started? No? Guess Oak doesn’t want me to complete his mission THAT badly...
Returning to Viridian, I stop at the Poke building to be refreshed and restored and then go to the Mart to load up on pokeballs. While impossible with one game cartridge (or is it???), I plan to catch as many pokemon on my journey as I can. While snagging every wild monster in my path, I run into Red again and promptly spank his ass again with REDMEDICNE. (Charmander does
NOT want to be defeated.) He mentions something about Elite 4 and badges... Oh yeah, pokemon always instructs you to catch them all but actually you’re supposed to be the best, like no one ever was. Make up your mind already..
Next stop is north, having captured literally every pokedex entry in my immediate area (and promptly boxing them). Viridian Forest holds a couple bug catchers that think they can defeat a fire type but Ember roasts them. Wild pokemon avoid my now level 14 Charmander like the plague but after some pacing, I find the rarer monsters Pikachu and Weedle and declare myself done with this place.
Healing up in Pewter, I check my Pokedex: 12 Seen, 11 Owned. Too easy; let’s get some more. Attempting to head east, I am stopped and instructed to take on the local gym leader. Maybe this will be more of a challenge than the scrubs I’ve faced so far... Entering the gym, an idiot stops me with some new pokemon, babbling about lightyears. Whatever guy, Charmander knows not of physics, he is a brute who wins battles. Victory leads me to Brock, the man in charge.
While Charmander lacks an advantage here, he is REDMEDICNE and promptly dishes out his own cure to this battle... burns and special stat exploitation. Brock instructs Geodude to protect itself with Defense Curl but that’s a novice move and Charmander slowly but surely wears the boulder down. In comes Onix, the large rock snake. While appearing intimidating, it Bides its time storing energy and does not attack. Bad move. Easily exploited, Charmander patiently lowers Onix’s attack with Growl and picks its openings with Ember. The first gym badge is ours, along with the useless Bide TM, and... what’s this? REDMEDICNE is evolving???? Obtaining level 16 after defeating Onix, Charmander has now grown into a Charmeleon. Excellent, another pokedex entry. After only an hour of playtime, I save with 17 pokemon seen and 12 pokemon owned and 1 gym badge. I’m on my way...