>>>Click to watch this replay!<<<
Smogon, I am here to bring you the gift of this warstory. I post it not because I want respect, not because I want glory, not because I want luvdiscs, and (certainly) not because I love Pokemon. I bring you this story because it needs to be told. I am the Paul of Pokemon, spreading the sacred scripture of how gay Jirachi, Keldeo, Breloom, Genesect, and Tornadus-t are...by using them.
Bombastic opening aside, I really enjoyed this match, and I hope you guys do too. And yes, my team may be made up of the five cheapest Pokemon ever. At least Genesect looks cool though.
So, I look at his team. The strategy he is using will be obvious to most of you. Volt-turn with Magneton, Genesect, and Scizor weakens the other team. Magneton was probably chosen to remove steels so that Gliscwhore could have his way with toxic-stalling on other teams.
My team should be pretty obvious as well. I'm basically abusing gay-ass pokemon (I take that back. Gay people are not meant to be offended by me comparing them to Breloom). Breloom spores and dances, Keldeo and Tornadus-T wreck, Genesect scouts, and Jirachi is there to provide defense. Politoed does absolutely nothing, because it is a useless excuse for a Pokemon.
Battle between Superstar and Shadow Trainer started!
Tier: Wifi OU
Variation: +17, -15
Rule: Rated
Rule: Sleep Clause
Rule: Species Clause
Rule: Wifi Battle
Shadow Trainer sent out Genesect!
Superstar sent out Keldeo!
The foe's Genesect's Download activates!
The foe's Genesect's Special Attack rose!
I send out Keldeo anticipating that he will try to win the weather war early with T-Tar. Instead, he sends out Genesect. This is fine, because Jirachi can easily take anything Genesect can do, especially an unboosted U-turn.
Turn 1
Superstar called Keldeo back!
Superstar sent out Jirachi!
The foe's Genesect used Thunderbolt!
Jirachi lost 30% of its health!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Jirachi takes the T-Bolt like the fucking wall that she is. Maybe Gensect will go for the Thunderbolt and try to hurt my Jirachi. Maybe he will switch in Magneton. This last possibility seems the most alarming, so I Twave, hoping to ruin one of his scarfers. Even if Gliscwhore switches in, I can just switch out.
Turn 2
Shadow Trainer called Genesect back!
Shadow Trainer sent out Gliscor!
Jirachi used Thunder Wave!
But it failed!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
The foe's Gliscor's Toxic Orb activated!
The foe's Gliscor was badly poisoned!
And of course Gliscor switches in. It will probably protect, since most Gliscors are pussies. I decide to switch to Genesect, who gives no fucks about what some overgrown bat thinks about the size of his laser cannon. It's 9 inches long, for reference. Genesect can also fire off an ice beam from his other laser cannon, the one on top of his head.
Turn 3
Superstar called Jirachi back!
Superstar sent out Genesect!
Genesect's Download activates!
Genesect's Special Attack rose!
The foe's Gliscor used U-turn!
It's not very effective... Genesect lost 9% of its health!
Shadow Trainer called Gliscor back!
Shadow Trainer sent out Magneton!
U-turn on a Gliscor? Huh. My suspicions about his team being volt-turn were right on the money it seems. Time to U-turn out, just in case he is trying to bait me into giving T-tar a free turn or something. Honestly, why else would he switch his slow -ass pokemon into something that is scarfed 90% of the time. (Note: Choice Band Genesect is boss)
Turn 4
Genesect used U-turn!
It's not very effective... The foe's Magneton lost 21% of its health!
Superstar called Genesect back!
Superstar sent out Breloom!
The foe's Magneton used Hidden Power!
It's super-effective! Breloom lost 87% of its health!
Breloom restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Clearly, just so that he could HP Fire it! This is a real bad piece of news. Magneton is going to have his way with the team and I'm...oh wait no. Game Freak just released the new, improved, Technician Breloom. This has had the effect of making Breloom even easier to use than before. I Mach Punch, knowing it's going to take a big dent out of something.
Turn 5
Breloom used Mach Punch!
It's super-effective! The foe's Magneton lost 78% of its health!
The foe's Magneton fainted!
Breloom restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Shadow Trainer sent out Gliscor!
And my boy Glicor comes in for the revenge. Well, Breloom is all but dead now anyway, so I'll just sac it, since nothing on my offensive team is going to like Ice Fang/Earthquake, and who knows which one my opponent will choose.
Turn 6
The foe's Gliscor used Ice Fang!
It's super-effective! Breloom lost 25% of its health!
Breloom fainted!
The foe's Gliscor restored a little HP using its Poison Heal!
Superstar sent out Politoed!
Politoed's Drizzle made it rain!
Gastrodon is going to come in. It's almost painfully obvious, and I stopped running HP Grass on Toed since sub-CM pokes kept raping me. The most painful thing in the world may just be watching Latios slowly begin to rape you once your Genesect is gone. This excludes many real world events that are much more painful than metaphorical Pokemon rape.
Turn 7
Superstar called Politoed back!
Superstar sent out Tornadus-T!
Shadow Trainer called Gliscor back!
Shadow Trainer sent out Gastrodon!
Rain continues to fall!
See that kids? That's called prediction. Goodbye, sea slug that is about 100x more ugly than the real OG water-ground Pokemon, Quagsire.
Turn 8
Tornadus-T used Hurricane!
The foe's Gastrodon lost 51% of its health!
Tornadus-T is hurt by its life orb!
The foe's Gastrodon used Scald!
Tornadus-T lost 50% of its health!
Rain continues to fall!
The foe's Gastrodon restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Well, maybe goodbye wan't quite the right word. I have to think about this next move. He probably stayed in thinking that I would U-turn/Superpower/Focus Blast on the predicted Ttar switch. Or maybe he just wanted to do a good chunk of damage to Tornadus. Maybe he will stay in again. I don't know. But since Tornadus-T has the amazingly (broken) Regenerator (which is broken) ability, I can just Hurricane some more and switch out if necessary. Or even better, U-turn when the T-Tar actually comes in. I outspeed even scarf Tyranitar, for those uninitiated with Tornadus-T's (broken) base 121 speed. Plus, it does good for my opponent to see me as only making obvious moves, since it makes him see me as stupid
Turn 9
Shadow Trainer called Gastrodon back!
Shadow Trainer sent out Tyranitar!
The foe's Tyranitar's Sand Stream whipped up a sandstorm!
Tornadus-T used Hurricane!
It's not very effective... The foe's Tyranitar lost 14% of its health!
Tornadus-T is hurt by its life orb!
The sandstorm rages!
Tornadus-T is buffeted by the sandstorm!
The foe's Tyranitar restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
So the Tyranitar comes in, as Tyranitars are wont to do. When in doubt, U-turn out! He'll probably just set up rocks anyway. This is not good, but most of my team resists rocks anyway. And Tornadus-T has Regenerator. (Did I mention...)
Turn 10
Tornadus-T used U-turn!
It's super-effective! The foe's Tyranitar lost 31% of its health!
Tornadus-T is hurt by its life orb!
Superstar called Tornadus-T back!
Superstar sent out Keldeo!
The foe's Tyranitar used Stealth Rock!
Pointed stones float in the air around Superstar's team!
The sandstorm rages!
Keldeo is buffeted by the sandstorm!
The foe's Tyranitar restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Prediction is going to be key here. Tyranitar is switching out. I mean obviously. So the question is whether I should use Secret Sword or Hydro Pump. I think he's going to predict that I will Secret Sword, because I haven't been predicting him all match, and he will just think I will go for the kill on his Tyranitar. Hydro Pump on your ass, Gliscor.
Turn 11
Shadow Trainer called Tyranitar back!
Shadow Trainer sent out Gliscor!
Keldeo used Hydro Pump!
It's super-effective! The foe's Gliscor lost 100% of its health!
The foe's Gliscor fainted!
The sandstorm rages!
Gliscor dies, just as predicted, leaving nothing on Shadow Stalker's side of the computer but the rustling of leaves in the wind. Why there were leaves and wind is either a reflection on the pussiness of Gliscor, or a testament to the blatant violations of the building code that my landlord ignores every single day.
Keldeo is buffeted by the sandstorm!
Shadow Trainer sent out Genesect!
The foe's Genesect's Download activates!
The foe's Genesect's Special Attack rose!
And we return to the same match-up that started the match. Once again, he nabs a Special Attack boost. Once again, I return to Jirachi, because Jirachi can take any thing that Genesect can throw at it.
Turn 12
Superstar called Keldeo back!
Superstar sent out Jirachi!
Pointed stones dug into Jirachi!
The foe's Genesect used Thunderbolt!
Jirachi lost 29% of its health!
The sandstorm rages!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
With Jirachi getting rather low on health, I decide that he may just try to kill me. I go for the paralysis so I can flinch hax him to death
Turn 13
Shadow Trainer called Genesect back!
Shadow Trainer sent out Gastrodon!
Jirachi used Thunder Wave!
But it failed!
The sandstorm rages!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
The foe's Gastrodon restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
The little slug comes in to stop my attacks once again. Did I mention that I hate Gastrodon? OH HES GOT A WATER IMMUNITY PERFECT COUNTER TO RAIN TEAMS BLAH BLAH BLAH. He's still a fucking slug that you are using to try and counter enormous birds of prey, desert rock dinosaurs, and my little ponies. Anyway, he's probably going to go for the scald. I switch in Tornadus-t to allow Genesect a free switch in.
Turn 14
Superstar called Jirachi back!
Superstar sent out Tornadus-T!
Pointed stones dug into Tornadus-T!
The foe's Gastrodon used Scald!
Tornadus-T lost 22% of its health!
Tornadus-T fainted!
The sandstorm rages!
The foe's Gastrodon restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Superstar sent out Genesect!
Pointed stones dug into Genesect!
Genesect's Download activates!
Genesect's Attack rose!
With the attack boost given, I know I am going to do a big chuck of damage as he scalds. U-turn out.
Turn 15
Genesect used U-turn!
The foe's Gastrodon lost 48% of its health!
Superstar called Genesect back!
Superstar sent out Politoed!
Pointed stones dug into Politoed!
Politoed's Drizzle made it rain!
The foe's Gastrodon used Rest!
The foe's Gastrodon went to sleep and became healthy!
Rain continues to fall!
What the fuck? He apparently is a resting Gastrodon? What is he going to do, sleep talk? This match makes no goddamn sense. Well, I am going to Perish song him and hope that I can paralyze something when he switches out
Turn 16
Politoed used Perish Song!
All Pokémon hearing the song will faint in three turns!
The foe's Gastrodon is fast asleep!
The foe's Gastrodon used Sleep Talk!
The foe's Gastrodon used Toxic!
The attack of the foe's Gastrodon missed!
Rain continues to fall!
Politoed's perish count fell to 3.
The foe's Gastrodon's perish count fell to 3.
The toxic miss is unfortunate, but I don't think it affected the end of the battle. Why did Game Freak give Toxic 90% accuracy anyway? Just to make sure that Blissey wasn't totally over powered? I switch in Jirachi, because Toxic poison is a leech on the life of your Pokemon, slowly taking their health quicker than watching a Nicholas Cage movie destroys your sanity.
Turn 17
Superstar called Politoed back!
Superstar sent out Jirachi!
Pointed stones dug into Jirachi!
The foe's Gastrodon is fast asleep!
The foe's Gastrodon used Sleep Talk!
The foe's Gastrodon used Scald!
Jirachi lost 22% of its health!
Rain continues to fall!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
The foe's Gastrodon's perish count fell to 2.
Well, no burn on Jirachi, which is great. He only had a 9% of selecting scald and getting a burn anyway. I go for a Thunder wave, hopefully I'll nab Genesect on the switch.
Turn 18
Jirachi used Thunder Wave!
But it failed!
The foe's Gastrodon woke up!
The foe's Gastrodon used Scald!
Jirachi lost 25% of its health!
Rain continues to fall!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
The foe's Gastrodon's perish count fell to 1.
The slug wakes up, and I am not amused. Tyranitar is probably coming in, because a)It is the most bad-ass Pokemon ever invented, and b)It doesn't give a fuck if it's paralyzed. However, paralysis on Ttar will give me an excellent shot at flinch haxxing it to death, and maybe he'll switch in Genesect for some odd reason and give me the match.
Turn 19
Shadow Trainer called Gastrodon back!
Shadow Trainer sent out Tyranitar!
The foe's Tyranitar's Sand Stream whipped up a sandstorm!
Jirachi used Thunder Wave!
The foe's Tyranitar was paralyzed!
The sandstorm rages!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
The foe's Tyranitar restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Tyranitar is paralyzed. Now we get to watch in slow horror as the worlds greatest Pokemon flinches like a little girl from the living, breathing, walking master of pussification that is Jirachi.
Turn 20
Jirachi used Iron Head!
It's super-effective! The foe's Tyranitar lost 45% of its health!
The foe's Tyranitar flinched!
The sandstorm rages!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
The foe's Tyranitar restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
FUCK YOU TYRANITAR.
Turn 21
Shadow Trainer called Tyranitar back!
Shadow Trainer sent out Gastrodon!
Jirachi used Iron Head!
It's not very effective... The foe's Gastrodon lost 16% of its health!
The sandstorm rages!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
The foe's Gastrodon restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
I am angry. The slug comes in probably to try and ruin my Jirachi with scald. Did I mention that SCALD ALWAYS BURNS I THINK IT IS A BUG IN PO. I decide to use wish to try and health myself, hoping for Jirachi to pull some more flinch hax out of his ass.
Turn 22
Jirachi used Wish!
The foe's Gastrodon used Scald!
Jirachi lost 15% of its health!
Jirachi was burned!
The sandstorm rages!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
The foe's Gastrodon restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Jirachi is hurt by its burn!
I need to go for the flinch hax to try and let wish heal me. Jirachi is willing to make anyone flinch, like your mom does when she takes off her clothes for the lonely, pathetic men she picks up on the street.
Turn 23
Jirachi used Iron Head!
It's not very effective... The foe's Gastrodon lost 7% of its health!
The foe's Gastrodon flinched!
The sandstorm rages!
Jirachi's wish came true!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
The foe's Gastrodon restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Jirachi is hurt by its burn!
I get the flinch. I mean, of course I do. This isn't fucking amateur hour over here. I go for more healing, since that burn is sapping my health at an alarming rate. Also, healing will let me set up rocks while I'm stalling in this bachagaloop's face.
Turn 24
Jirachi used Wish!
The foe's Gastrodon used Scald!
Jirachi lost 14% of its health!
The sandstorm rages!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
The foe's Gastrodon restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Jirachi is hurt by its burn!
Rocks
Turn 25
Jirachi used Stealth Rock!
Pointed stones float in the air around Shadow Trainer's team!
The foe's Gastrodon used Scald!
Jirachi lost 16% of its health!
The sandstorm rages!
Jirachi's wish came true!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Jirachi is hurt by its burn!
I decide just to keep stalling him, because I really don't want anyone to have to switch into a scald.
Turn 26
Jirachi used Wish!
The foe's Gastrodon used Scald!
Jirachi lost 17% of its health!
The sandstorm rages!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Jirachi is hurt by its burn!
Turn 27
Shadow Trainer called Gastrodon back!
Shadow Trainer sent out Scizor!
Pointed stones dug into the foe's Scizor!
Jirachi used Iron Head!
It's not very effective... A critical hit! The foe's Scizor lost 13% of its health!
The sandstorm rages!
Jirachi's wish came true!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Jirachi is hurt by its burn!
The second coolest Pokemon ever comes into the game. He's probably going to U-turn out on me, but I go for the paralysis, since I don't really want anything else to take a Banded U-turn.
Turn 28
Jirachi used Thunder Wave!
The foe's Scizor was paralyzed!
The foe's Scizor used U-turn!
Jirachi lost 53% of its health!
Shadow Trainer called Scizor back!
Shadow Trainer sent out Genesect!
Pointed stones dug into the foe's Genesect!
The foe's Genesect's Download activates!
The foe's Genesect's Attack rose!
The sandstorm rages!
Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Jirachi is hurt by its burn!
And his own Genesect comes in. He's going to U-turn like a bitch, of course, but I stay in so Jirachi can die and hopefully nab some of the momentum back.
Turn 29
The foe's Genesect used Thunderbolt!
A critical hit! Jirachi lost 24% of its health!
Jirachi fainted!
The sandstorm rages!
Superstar sent out Genesect!
Pointed stones dug into Genesect!
Genesect's Download activates!
Genesect's Special Attack rose!
He's going to switch out. No Download boost to his choice move, and fearing a Flamethrower, he really has no choice. Time to U-turn.
Turn 30
Shadow Trainer called Genesect back!
Shadow Trainer sent out Scizor!
Pointed stones dug into the foe's Scizor!
Genesect used U-turn!
It's not very effective... The foe's Scizor lost 15% of its health!
He sends out Scizor. I guess he predicted my U-turn...? Who knows what he is thinking at this point. My eyes are red with the anticipation of a kill. I'm letting out my anger and bloodlust on my computer at this point, along with some seriously repressed sexual tension.
Superstar called Genesect back!
Superstar sent out Keldeo!
Pointed stones dug into Keldeo!
The sandstorm rages!
Keldeo is buffeted by the sandstorm!
As the desk strains from the pounding I am unleashing on it, I only pause for long enough to click surf.
Turn 31
Keldeo used Surf!
The foe's Scizor lost 45% of its health!
The foe's Scizor fainted!
The sandstorm rages!
Keldeo is buffeted by the sandstorm!
Shadow Trainer sent out Genesect!
Pointed stones dug into the foe's Genesect!
The foe's Genesect's Download activates!
The foe's Genesect's Special Attack rose!
I slow down for a second, the monitor on my computer barely hanging on by the video cable. He is probably going to Thunderbolt all over Keldeo's cute little ass. I decide to sac Politoed so my own Genesect can revenge.
Turn 32
Superstar called Keldeo back!
Superstar sent out Politoed!
Pointed stones dug into Politoed!
Politoed's Drizzle made it rain!
The foe's Genesect used Thunderbolt!
It's super-effective! Politoed lost 75% of its health!
Politoed fainted!
Rain continues to fall!
Superstar sent out Genesect!
Pointed stones dug into Genesect!
Genesect's Download activates!
Genesect's Special Attack rose!
OH YEAH THE PAIN FEELS SO GOOD. EAT MY FIRE BALL
Turn 33
Shadow Trainer called Genesect back!
Shadow Trainer sent out Gastrodon!
Pointed stones dug into the foe's Gastrodon!
Genesect used Flamethrower!
It's not very effective... The foe's Gastrodon lost 8% of its health!
Rain continues to fall!
The foe's Gastrodon restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Welp, at least I can switch in Keldeo to kill Gastrodon. Sacred sword should kill him unless he is almost max physically defensive.
Turn 34
Superstar called Genesect back!
Superstar sent out Keldeo!
Pointed stones dug into Keldeo!
The foe's Gastrodon used Scald!
It's not very effective... Keldeo lost 21% of its health!
Rain continues to fall!
The foe's Gastrodon restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
That's one bulky ass sea slug. As a note, I know Pokemon is supposed to make no sense, but how the fuck are there special fighting moves? You don't see no goddamn MMA artists shooting punch beams at each other. Special ground moves, make sense. Physical water moves, make sense. Special fighting moves are just dumb.
Turn 35
Keldeo used Secret Sword!
The foe's Gastrodon lost 78% of its health!
The foe's Gastrodon used Toxic!
Keldeo was badly poisoned!
Rain continues to fall!
The foe's Gastrodon restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
Keldeo is hurt by poison!
And I don't kill the bitch. Of course. Oh well, I will kill him on the next turn. Who gives a fuck about poison at this point anyway?
Turn 36
Keldeo used Secret Sword!
The foe's Gastrodon lost 25% of its health!
The foe's Gastrodon fainted!
Rain continues to fall!
Keldeo is hurt by poison!
Shadow Trainer sent out Tyranitar!
Pointed stones dug into the foe's Tyranitar!
The foe's Tyranitar's Sand Stream whipped up a sandstorm!
And he sacs his Tyranitar, probably because he wants Keldeo to die from residual damage. The match is nearing its conclusion.
Turn 37
Keldeo used Secret Sword!
It's super-effective! A critical hit! The foe's Tyranitar lost 21% of its health!
The foe's Tyranitar fainted!
The sandstorm rages!
Keldeo is buffeted by the sandstorm!
Keldeo is hurt by poison!
Keldeo fainted!
Shadow Trainer sent out Genesect!
Pointed stones dug into the foe's Genesect!
Superstar sent out Genesect!
Pointed stones dug into Genesect!
Genesect's Download activates!
Genesect's Special Attack rose!
The foe's Genesect's Download activates!
The foe's Genesect's Special Attack rose!
Speed tie between to scarf Genesects.
I would like to put in a bible verse at this point:
"And God spoke to David:
My children, when you go through life you must make sure you are a bad-ass. You have to know that you are the biggest, baddest motherfucker in the valley of the shadow of death, and you don't fear no goddamn evil because your are on your own side."
-Psalm 23:12 or 16 or maybe 432 I don't remember the verse so sue me.
My bible knowledge is a little rusty, so I may have gotten the passage a bit wrong. Please post in the comments if a word or two was off.
The point of this biblical nonsense is that the winner of this match was preordained.
I have sold out my manhood by using pussy-ass Pokemon, whereas my opponent is using bad-ass dinosaurs, metal bugs, and desert bats. Who will win the speed tie? Some may say it is a coin toss, I say that it is the motherfucking hand of fate coming down on me like Chris Brown's fist.
Turn 38
The foe's Genesect used Flamethrower!
It's super-effective! Genesect lost 40% of its health!
Genesect fainted!
Shadow Trainer won the battle!
Shadow Trainer: gg
Superstar: I'm at the end of my wits with half the shit that gets in
It came down to 50-50 chance, so if you don't believe in fate, pick your own winner.
Props:
My opponent, for using bad-ass Pokemon.
Me, for not pussying out with Tornadus and U-turning
Genesect, for being awesome
Slops:
Me, for using Jirachi and Breloom.
There were a lot of misplays and predictions and shit.
MVP:
Mine was Keldeo, for killing a ton of shit it needed to.
His was Genesect, for constantly being an offensive nusance and a pain in my ass.
>>>Click to watch this replay!<<<
I'd like to close with a quote from the concession speech of Herman Cain, my favorite politician ever:
"I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie: 'Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. It's never easy when so much is on the line.'"
