1. New to the forums? Check out our Mentorship Program!
    Our mentors will answer your questions and help you become a part of the community!
  2. Welcome to Smogon Forums! Please take a minute to read the rules.

The Wrath of God: A Holy War Story

Discussion in 'Historical Threads' started by Joan, Jan 19, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Joan

    Joan

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2010
    Messages:
    4
    FIRST OFF: This is my first post on Smogon. This is my first Warstory. You are blessed. My comments are in bold, because I am bold.

    NEXT: Bitch about this battle all you want. Bitch about the formatting. Rate it in upwards of sixty categories, down to the hundredth of a decimal place over ten, and then compile an average at the end. I don't care. I didn't post it here to be rated. I POSTED IT HERE TO CHANGE LIVES.

    FINALLY: It took place in the OU Dream World Tier on the Pokemon Online Server, because WIFI is for cowards who need to scout their team so they can switch their walls around ninety fucking times. Whoop-de-doop.

    ADDENDUM: I can't remember if I changed my opponent's name or not. I think his name actually was PUSS-PUSS. He probably chose Volkner as his sprite because he wants Volkner's hair cut. Uggh.

    HERE IS MY TEAM:
    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG][​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]


    WE HAVE ACHIEVED A RATING OF 1351, WHICH IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. I DON'T CHECK IT ALL THE TIME LIKE A DICK. MAYBE I'VE GOTTEN HIGHER.

    GET SOME. LET'S DO THIS:

    Battle between PUSS-PUSS and Joan started!
    Tier: Dream World
    Variation: +38, -51
    Rule: Rated
    Rule: Sleep Clause
    Rule: Species Clause

    Joan sent out Dix! (Genosekuto)
    PUSS-PUSS sent out Genosekuto!
    Dix's Download activates!
    Dix's Sp. Att. rose!
    The foe's Genosekuto's Download activates!
    The foe's Genosekuto's Attack rose!


    [​IMG] (100%) VS [​IMG](100%)

    I named my Genosect Dix because he’s a dick--he abuses choice scarf, his dick ability, and his movepool, all of which are dicktastic--and the plural of dick is dix. He holds a choice scarf just like every other dick Genosect. I assume my opponent's probably is too. In any battle, you can assume your opponent is a coward, especially if you've chosen to rename them PUSS-PUSS in your mind, and you know a coward never has the balls to speed tie, so he probably won’t man-up and Flamethrower my ass. I could Flamethrower myself but that's what he's switching to avoid. I press U-turn. Always press U-Turn or regret it.

    Start of turn 1
    PUSS-PUSS called Genosekuto back!
    PUSS-PUSS sent out Kerudio!
    Dix used U-turn!
    It's not very effective...
    The foe's Kerudio lost 16% of its health!
    Joan called Dix back!
    Joan sent out Lazy Mikhail! (Xatu)
    The foe's Kerudio restored a little HP using its Leftovers!


    [​IMG](250%) VS. [​IMG](100% Pathetic)


    He pusses out hard. As expected, and sends in Kerudio. KERUDIO IS THE SINGLE FUCKING DUMBEST POKEMON OF ALL TIME. I pause to think about the extent to which my opponent has pawned his manliness in hopes of netting some wins and nearly time out. As the final seconds wind down I throw out Xatu because he is the coolest looking motherfucker around. He stands proud in his badass Choice Specs. He is named Lazy Mikhail after the trainer who invented the standard SpeXatu set. Xatu can see the future, but even I know my opponent will puss out and switch. I press Psychic to emphasize my ability to predict his cowardice. I pray for an incoming Tyranitar. My balls should be getting cold, as they are hanging loosely from my open fly. They remain warm and filled with virility.

    Start of turn 2
    PUSS-PUSS called Kerudio back!
    PUSS-PUSS sent out Jirachi!
    Lazy Mikhail used Psychic!
    It's not very effective...
    A critical hit!
    The foe's Jirachi lost 30% of its health!
    The foe's Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG](250%) vs [​IMG](76%)

    HOLY FUCK. He follows up the single dumbest, most embarrassing looking Pokemon with the previous four generation's reigning Champion of Pussification. Good God, my opponent wants to win at any cost. That or he's a pedophile who understands what attracts 8-year-old girls. He has a 4x resistance to the move I'm locked into, and I should fear being Iron-Headed. This may make him think it's safe to Thunderwave or Stealth Rock or some other puss crap. I stand my ground ready to bounce it back with Magic Mirror. XATU IS A BOSS FROM MEXICO.

    Start of turn 3
    The foe's Jirachi used Wish!
    Lazy Mikhail used Psychic!
    It's not very effective...
    The foe's Jirachi lost 15% of its health!
    The foe's Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG](255%) vs[​IMG](67%)

    He pusses out even harder than I had imagined, wishing he had the nuts to actually make a move. His wish will never come true. I ain't going nowhere, coward. You think you called my bluff, and now you're itching to get those rocks up. Metagame. Metagame. Show me what you got.

    Start of turn 4
    The foe's Jirachi used Iron Head!
    Lazy Mikhail lost 138 HP! (46% of its health)
    Lazy Mikhail flinched!
    Jirachi's wish came true!

    [​IMG](64%) vs[​IMG](100%)

    Kerudio is still dumber looking, but Jirachi, who is the size of a basketball, and has no right to inflict damage on anything this side of a Diglett, reminds me that he is still the worst piece-of-shit Gamefreak has ever made. I remember all the times he flinched my Magnezone to death over the course of eleven turns and feel my blood beginning to boil. Oh well, PUSS-PUSS is living up to his given name. I don't want Xatu to get killed yet. Time to show this kiddie-loving wenis what real men are into... SEX.

    Start of turn 5
    Joan called Lazy Mikhail back!
    Joan sent out Joan! (Ninetales)
    Joan's Drought intensified the sun's rays!
    The foe's Jirachi used Iron Head!
    It's not very effective...
    Joan lost 65 HP! (18% of its health)
    The sunlight is strong!
    Joan restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG](88%) vs[​IMG](100%)

    It's gettin' hot in here. Damn. What a fox. My Ninetales is all speed and HP with a Careful nature, because she's always careful not to get in her boys' way. She likes to burn Tyranitars and Toxic Politoeds. I press Will-o-Wisp, hoping to give this little faggle the attack stat it deserves. This hot momma won't have it flinching any more of her manfriends.

    Start of turn 6
    Joan used Will-O-Wisp!
    The attack of Joan missed!
    The foe's Jirachi used Thunder Wave!
    Joan is paralyzed! It may be unable to move!
    The sunlight is strong!
    Joan restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG]Paralyzed! (94%) vs [​IMG](100%)

    I strike a mega-hot pose, but of course, Jirachi's pre-pubescent boy member stays flaccid as a noodle, and not like some al dente noodle. I'm talking about a Campbell's chicken soup soaked-in-broth-for-months-on-the-store-shelf noodle. The flaccidity of Jirachi and his trainers' members knows no bounds. I don't know why he stays in on what was most likely going to be a sun-boosted Overheat. Maybe his Dickrachi is specially defensive, and he thinks it deserves to live through anything.
    I curse myself wildly for not switching Xatu right back in to make the thing paralyze itself. Anyways, the one member of my time I can live with being paralyzed is paralyzed and and the badass spectre of Xatu should scare the little faggle out of stealth-rocking, which ends everything for me. I'm going try again. This is an artistic statement. Jirachi should have 50 base attack. Tops.

    Start of turn 7
    The foe's Jirachi used Iron Head!
    It's not very effective...
    Joan lost 59 HP! (16% of its health)
    Joan flinched!
    The sunlight is strong!
    Joan restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG]Paralyzed! (84%) vs[​IMG](100%)

    Of course. There is a long pause as my opponent sees that with leftovers this does about 10% damage. He contemplates flinching me 9 more times and no doubt gets the first little rise in his perverted trousers. But even doing this would take some weight in the old scroat bag, and I don't think he's got it. He clearly lacks a Heatran, and I should probably be pressing Flamethrower, but I still want that baby burned like some horror from Hiroshima, not just "fainted." Will-o-Wisp again.


    Start of turn 8
    The foe's Jirachi used Thunderbolt!
    A critical hit!
    Joan lost 159 HP! (45% of its health)
    Joan is paralyzed! It can't move!
    The sunlight is strong!
    Joan restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG]SUPER-Paralyzed! (55%) vs [​IMG](100%)

    Go figure. This little dick manages to stop me from moving and gets a critical hit. I can see 45 better options here (fuckin' kill it with Flamethrower), but I'm developing a semi-painful, rage hard-on. I press Will-o-Wisp again. I'm willing to do so for the next 30 turns if necessary. I hope it takes that long. Something deep inside me wants to feel true hatred.

    Start of turn 9
    The foe's Jirachi used Thunderbolt!
    Joan lost 78 HP! (22% of its health)
    Joan used Will-O-Wisp!
    The attack of Joan missed!
    The sunlight is strong!
    Joan restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG]Paralyzed and Blind! (36%) vs[​IMG](100%)

    I don't get the critical hit or the flinch my rage-boner wanted, but I get the next best thing. My rage-meter is nearly gonna pop. Unfortunately for Puss-Puss, I don't rage quit, I rage-win. WILL-O-WISP AGAIN.

    Start of turn 10
    The foe's Jirachi used Thunderbolt!
    Joan lost 84 HP! (24% of its health)
    Joan used Will-O-Wisp!
    The foe's Jirachi was burned!
    The sunlight is strong!
    The foe's Jirachi is hurt by its burn!
    Joan restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG]Paralyzed! (18%) vs[​IMG]Burned!(94%)

    I get the lil bitch. He probably has a Tyranitar or a Politoed, and my weather-starter, who I normally protect like the last beer in the fridge, has died just trying to burn a Jirachi. Mission accomplished. I don't care if I lose, it won't be to that garbage. I'm sure as shit not switching Xatu into a Thunderbolt, and I'm not switching one of my other badasses into a Thunderwave. Worse yet, I switch Ninetales out as he Stealth Rocks, keeping her from returning to the battlefield to die an honorable, sunny death. Finally, I'll Flamethrower. This match is horrible. I feel nothing but hate.

    Start of turn 11
    The foe's Jirachi used Thunderbolt!
    Joan lost 31 HP! (8% of its health)
    Joan fainted!
    The sunlight is strong!
    The foe's Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
    The foe's Jirachi is hurt by its burn!
    Joan sent out Lazy Mikhail! (Xatu)

    [​IMG] DEAD ---> [​IMG] (100%) vs [​IMG]Burned!(87%)

    I send Xatu out again because I use Xatu like a human shield, not like an actual Pokemon. I could send out Urugamoth, but he wins me matches, and it's too early for that. I'd rather dick around with Xatu. I press Hidden Power fire and hope he flinches me 10 times so I can legally commit a murder. It's really just a little more hax before I enter full-on beast mode. Fuck playing smart, play to rage.

    Start of turn 12
    The foe's Jirachi used Iron Head!
    Lazy Mikhail lost 70 HP! (23% of its health)
    Lazy Mikhail flinched!
    The sunlight is strong!
    The foe's Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
    The foe's Jirachi is hurt by its burn!

    [​IMG] (77%) vs [​IMG]Burned!(81%)

    OH, IT FEELS GOOD. PUSS-PUSS rolls over and gives Daddy what he wants, even though a Thunderbolt probably could have killed me. My vision has blacked out around the edges. This is so stupid. I'm a grown man who should not be playing this game. Especially not so poorly or against such a sad excuse of a man. I press Hidden Power fire again. I don't care who lives or who dies at this point.

    Start of turn 13
    The foe's Jirachi used Thunderbolt!
    It's super effective!
    A critical hit!
    Lazy Mikhail lost 89 HP! (29% of its health)
    Lazy Mikhail fainted!
    The sunlight is strong!
    The foe's Jirachi restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
    The foe's Jirachi is hurt by its burn!
    Joan sent out Lord Marc! (Urugamosu)

    [​IMG] DEAD---> [​IMG] (100%) vs[​IMG]Burned!(81%)

    He gets a critical hit that wasn't needed for him, but oh, how I needed it. I can now see the face of God. He is telling me to stop fucking around and start playing Pokemon. He is telling me to wipe this scum from the earth. He is also black. Time to send in another actually cool looking Pokemon. How about a fiery moth that's wearing Arceus' decapitated head like a helmet? Maybe you'd prefer a blue little pony in a stupid fucking hat. Fuck, YOU PROBABLY WOULD LIKE THAT. OHHH GREAT WATER/FIGHTING STAB. OHH 129 BASE SPECIAL ATTACK. INFERNAPE'S TROLLTASTIC SPEED TIER BLAH FUCKIN BLAH. I'll pause to let you finish your business. My moth is out, and I'm not going to set up shit, I'm going to melt this little baby.

    Start of turn 14
    Lord Marc used Flame Dance!
    It's super effective!
    The foe's Jirachi lost 68% of its health!
    Lord Marc's Sp. Att. rose!
    The foe's Jirachi fainted!
    The sunlight is strong!
    PUSS-PUSS sent out Kerudio!

    [​IMG] (100%),+1 SpA vs [​IMG]DEAD-->[​IMG](100%)

    He either has finally gave up on Vagrachi, or he's a crappy player who doesn't switch, or he Thunderwaved hoping I'd Butterfly Dance. I'd personally bet on all three. Fuckin' Flame Dance boosts my stats anyways, because now I have the Wrath of God on my side. My Little Puss Pony comes in to resist all of my moves, and even though Flame Dance would probably jack-him-up, I want to switch in a Pokemon who resists both his stab moves and who has been a total boss for over ten fucking years: my Dad.

    Start of turn 15
    Joan called Lord Marc back!
    Joan sent out Dad! (Venusaur)
    The foe's Kerudio used Calm Mind!
    The foe's Kerudio's Sp. Att. rose!
    The foe's Kerudio's Sp. Def. rose!
    The sunlight is strong!
    The foe's Kerudio restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG](100%) vs. [​IMG](100%) +1 SpA, +1 SpD

    Kerudio immediately starts masturbating himself, which is no surprise. But I have special bulk and EV's all over the fucking place (enough in speed to beat uber-dick Deoxys-S in the sun, enough in attack and special attack to feel like a boss after one Growth, enough in HP to take a hit), a resistance to Mystery Sword (like this dongle carries a sword) or Focus Blast, a 4x resistance to Hydro Pump or Surf given the weather, and since he's holding Leftovers and not Life Orb, it's time to show this pansy what a real boosting move does.

    Start of turn 16
    PUSS-PUSS called Kerudio back!
    PUSS-PUSS sent out Genosekuto!
    The foe's Genosekuto's Download activates!
    The foe's Genosekuto's Attack rose!
    Dad used Growth!
    Dad's Attack sharply rose!
    Dad's Sp. Att. sharply rose!
    The sunlight is strong!

    [​IMG](100%) +2 Att, +2 SpA vs.[​IMG](100%)

    Well, well, I outspeed this dick, but I stopped carrying Hidden Power fire because I couldn't stand being walled by Salamence or the Latis and I liked being able to pimp-slap on garchomp and Gliscwhore even without a boost. So worst case, he takes my hit and Flamethrowers me, and then Urugamoth can come in and get a free Butterfly Dance. Even then, I might live the Flamethrower, given he got an Attack boost and Venusaur's got decent special defense. It's all I got.

    Start of turn 17
    Dad used Earthquake!
    The foe's Genosekuto lost 59% of its health!
    The foe's Genosekuto used Ice Beam!
    It's super effective!
    Dad lost 240 HP! (78% of its health)
    The sunlight is strong!
    Dad restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG](36%) +2 Att, +2 SpA vs.[​IMG](41%) +1 Att

    He doesn't have Flamethrower? This guy's a chump. Whatever. Imma kill it.

    Start of turn 18
    The foe's Genosekuto used Quick Attack!
    Dad lost 61 HP! (19% of its health)
    Dad used Earthquake!
    The foe's Genosekuto lost 40% of its health!
    The foe's Genosekuto fainted!
    The sunlight is strong!
    Dad restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
    PUSS-PUSS sent out Borutorosu!

    [​IMG](17%) +2 Att, +2 SpA vs.[​IMG]Dead-->[​IMG](100%)

    Okay, so it was a Quick Attacking Genosect? Who knows what PUSS-PUSS is thinking? Not me. This thing will either Thunderwave me or hope it lives through my attack and use something stupid like Hidden Power ice. Whatever. I fear nothing and no man, especially not the least cool of three grouchy, thrice-cloned legends. Venusaur wants blood.

    Start of turn 19
    The foe's Borutorosu used Thunder Wave!
    Dad is paralyzed! It may be unable to move!
    Dad used Hidden Power!
    It's super effective!
    The foe's Borutorosu lost 100% of its health!
    The foe's Borutorosu fainted!
    The sunlight is strong!
    Dad restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
    PUSS-PUSS sent out Dragonite!

    [​IMG](17%) +2 Att, +2 SpA Paralyzed! vs[​IMG]DEAD--->[​IMG](100%)

    Well, I killed his ass. Sick. PUSS-PUSS switches in the only respectable Pokemon on his team. Unfortunately, it is clear he's only abusing him for his new ability: Marvel-Crap which is basically just Sturdy. Dragonite never, ever dies to one unboosted hit, but at almost 600 hundred special attack, and with Dix my Genosect waiting in the wings, he'd be pushing his luck to set up. Attack or die, PUSS-PUSS. My dad wants to bust through your team and suck the life out of your wrist-shatteringly limp-dicked water horse.

    Start of turn 20
    The foe's Dragonite used Dragon Claw!
    Dad lost 62 HP! (20% of its health)
    Dad fainted!
    The sunlight is strong!
    Joan sent out Dix! (Genosekuto)
    Dix's Download activates!
    Dix's Attack rose!

    [​IMG]DEAD DAD -->[​IMG](100%) +1 Att vs.[​IMG](100%)

    Great job, PUSS-PUSS. Now we could see you live through a 4x super effective Ice Beam. Or I could U-turn because you fear a 4x supereffective Ice Beam and are going to switch in Kerudishametohisfamily. Either way, two Ice Beams will kill Dragonite, and if I puss out it can Dragon Dance and win. I can never puss out. I must always attack. I realize this is the only path to victory. This brings me joy.

    Start of turn 21
    PUSS-PUSS called Dragonite back!
    PUSS-PUSS sent out Kerudio!
    Dix used Ice Beam!
    It's not very effective...
    The foe's Kerudio lost 20% of its health!
    The sunlight is strong!
    The foe's Kerudio restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG] (100%) +1 Att vs [​IMG](86%) +4 Stupid

    I don't know what I was thinking. Of course, he pusses out, and I don't. Everyone does except me. I don't care. This horse is a wenis pie, and I want a slice. He'll probably Calm Mind again as soon as he can, because Kerudio's a total coward who's afraid I might not like him if he actually inflicts damage upon me. I switch to my scarf Sazandora. I certainly don't see him actually growing a pair and attacking.

    Start of turn 22
    Joan called Dix back!
    Joan sent out Son of Rai! (Sazandora)
    The foe's Kerudio used Calm Mind!
    The foe's Kerudio's Sp. Att. rose!
    The foe's Kerudio's Sp. Def. rose!
    The sunlight is strong!
    The foe's Kerudio restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG](100%) vs. [​IMG](91%) +1 SpA, +1 SpD

    That was stupid. I realize I don't know what a Draco Meteor will do to him, Sazandora being a new member of an endless cycle of scarfed U-Turners, and calculating during a match being for GINORMOUS DICKS. (Switched back to Pidgeot after this match). I hate the idea of him continuing to boost while my Draco Meteor keeps halving my special attack for him. Fire Blast and Dark Pulse or worse options. Oh well, I think Genosect can take a +1 Mystery Sword. Maybe not. I'm not afraid to find out. My Pokemon were born to die at my command.

    Start of turn 23
    Son of Rai used U-turn!
    It's not very effective...
    The foe's Kerudio lost 9% of its health!
    Joan called Son of Rai back!
    Joan sent out Dix! (Genosekuto)
    Dix's Download activates!
    Dix's Attack rose!
    The foe's Kerudio used Mystery Sword!
    Dix lost 268 HP! (94% of its health)
    The sunlight is strong!
    The foe's Kerudio restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG] (6%) +1 Att vs.[​IMG](88%) +1 SpA, +1 SpD

    Shit son, of course I take it. Probably because my Genosect is Mild (cowards fear Mach Punch). I don't even give a shit about strategy at this point, it's for pussies. I pick Thunderbolt because it's supereffective. That means it hurts 2x more than normal. Fuck yeah. Plus, I haven't been predicting switches yet, why bother now? My balls are almost touching the ground, and this too has value. Kerudio is still alive and I'm worried I've been staring at it long enough to get me on some sort of FBI watch list.

    Start of turn 24
    PUSS-PUSS called Kerudio back!
    PUSS-PUSS sent out Breloom!
    Dix used Thunderbolt!
    It's not very effective...
    The foe's Breloom lost 35% of its health!
    The sunlight is strong!

    [​IMG] (6%) vs [​IMG] (65%)

    PUSS-PUSS switches in Breloom, the third stupidest Pokemon of all time. He apparently gives fantastic handjobs in the Men's restroom at Gamefreak headquarters, which is why developers keep doing horrible things like taking Parasect's signature move and letting his boy-whorish ass have it or giving him two dicktastic abilities which only make him easier to abuse (both sexually and in battle). My sure-fire, always wins (barring a blind Stone Edge) Breloom counter was killed in a fit of chest-puffing bravado (it was worth it), so I'm just going to Thunderbolt again. Better to have Genosect asleep or dead than anyone else.

    Start of turn 25
    The foe's Breloom used Mach Punch!
    Dix lost 15 HP! (5% of its health)
    Dix fainted!
    The foe's Breloom is hurt by its Life Orb!
    The sunlight is strong!tha
    Joan sent out Lord Marc! (Urugamosu)

    [​IMG](100%) vs[​IMG] (53%)

    Well, Breloom revenge-killed something, but it hasn't Spored me and gotten a free Swords Dance, and Breloom users think doing so is their birthright, so I can guarantee that PUSS-PUSS is going to throw his stupid-ass pony back at me. I could Butterfly Dance, but he might finally be reaching that certain age, and keep Breloom in to Spore. Maybe. I'll Flame Dance, and Black God will give me a free boost if his funky ass feels like it.

    Start of turn 26
    PUSS-PUSS called Breloom back!
    PUSS-PUSS sent out Kerudio!
    Lord Marc used Flame Dance!
    It's not very effective...
    The foe's Kerudio lost 37% of its health!
    The sunlight is strong!
    The foe's Kerudio restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG](100%) vs. [​IMG](51%)

    I'm not going to comment on that shit again. Wait, yes I am: Kerudio is still the unlovable lovechild of Cowardice and Fear. I'm going to Flame Dance again, because he can't kill me in the sun, and he'll probably Calm Mind like a puss anyways. Plus, two Flame Dances hurt more than one Butterfly Dance'd Flame Dance. Plus, I don't feel like using non-attacking moves any more this match. His Kerudio has taunted my manhood, and the taunt will not wear off until he is dead.

    Start of turn 27
    The foe's Kerudio used Calm Mind!
    The foe's Kerudio's Sp. Att. rose!
    The foe's Kerudio's Sp. Def. rose!
    Lord Marc used Flame Dance!
    It's not very effective...
    The foe's Kerudio lost 25% of its health!
    Lord Marc's Sp. Att. rose!
    The sunlight is strong!
    The foe's Kerudio restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG](100%) +1 SpA vs. [​IMG](31%)

    Black God smiles upon me. I still think, given the sun and my boss base special Defense, that I can probably live through a Hydro Pump or a Surf, and then still a Mach Punch from Bredickloomdick. Finally, this wenis-mongering man-boy pony is going to die. In horse heaven, I hope he ends up in Mr. Hands' stable.

    Start of turn 28
    The foe's Kerudio used Surf!
    It's super effective!
    Lord Marc lost 234 HP! (75% of its health)
    Lord Marc used Flame Dance!
    It's not very effective...
    The foe's Kerudio lost 31% of its health!
    Lord Marc's Sp. Att. rose!
    The foe's Kerudio fainted!
    The sunlight is strong!
    Lord Marc restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
    PUSS-PUSS sent out Dragonite!

    [​IMG](31%) +2 SpA vs. [​IMG]DEAD BUT STILL DUMB --->[​IMG](100%)

    Uggh. This is embarrassing. Walled again? Nope! I have Hidden Power dragon on my moth. Why dragon? Because it hits dragons supereffectively. Which feels good. Watch and see.

    Start of turn 29
    Lord Marc used Hidden Power!
    It's super effective!
    The foe's Dragonite lost 41% of its health!
    The foe's Dragonite used Dragon Dance!
    The foe's Dragonite's Attack rose!
    The foe's Dragonite's Speed rose!
    The sunlight is strong!
    The foe's Dragonite restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
    Lord Marc restored a little HP using its Leftovers!

    [​IMG](37%) +2 SpA [​IMG](55%) +1 Att, +1 Spe

    Multi-Crap activates and it doesn't even do half damage despite the fact that I have almost 800 special attack right now. Whatever, I'm just going to attack again. If I live, he dies. If I die, Sazandora gets to Draco-Meteor something to death.

    Start of turn 30
    The foe's Dragonite used Earthquake!
    Lord Marc lost 116 HP! (37% of its health)
    Lord Marc fainted!
    The sunlight is strong!
    The foe's Dragonite restored a little HP using its Leftovers!
    Joan sent out Son of Rai! (Sazandora)

    [​IMG]Dead-->[​IMG](100%) [​IMG](55%) +1 Att, +1 Spe

    Time to kill someone. I hope he switches in Breloom because I really, really hate Breloom, and he probably has this won. Why did Breloom get Technician Mach Punch? Did it really not have a good thing going as it was? Why toss Pokemon as cool as Miruhog and Kirikizan into a world this cruel? Bastards. I steel myself for the fact that I could potentially have to call him a Puss in the side chat. It has come this far.

    Start of turn 31
    Son of Rai used Draco Meteor!
    It's super effective!
    The foe's Dragonite lost 70% of its health!
    Son of Rai's Sp. Att. sharply fell!
    The foe's Dragonite fainted!
    The sunlight is strong!
    PUSS-PUSS sent out Breloom!

    [​IMG](100%) -2 SpA, [​IMG]DEAD --> [​IMG] (53%)

    Well, this is it. I have 325 HP points and 217 defense. What do you have, you little mushroom, kangaroo, boy-sex-slave? Do you have it all? Do you?

    Start of turn 32
    The foe's Breloom used Mach Punch!
    [​IMG]
    It's super effective!
    [​IMG]
    It's super effective!
    [​IMG]
    It's super effective!
    [​IMG]
    It's super effective!
    [​IMG]
    It's super effective!
    [​IMG]
    It's super effective!
    [​IMG]
    It's super effective!
    [​IMG]
    It's super effective!
    [​IMG]
    It's super effective!
    [​IMG]
    It's super effective!
    [​IMG]
    It's super effective!
    [​IMG]
    It's super effective!

    Son of Rai lost 324 HP! (99% of its health)
    The foe's Breloom is hurt by its Life Orb!
    Son of Rai used Draco Meteor!
    The foe's Breloom lost 44% of its health!
    Son of Rai's Sp. Att. sharply fell!
    The foe's Breloom fainted!


    SO, BECAUSE YOU ARE LUKEWARM, AND NEITHER HOT NOR COLD, I SPIT YOU OUT OF MY BLACK MOUTH. REVELATION 3:16


    Joan won the battle!
    Joan: What does your dad do for a living?
    PUSS-PUSS: I lost the game
    Joan: 1 hp get some son
    PUSS-PUSS: dammit
    PUSS-PUSS: gg
    Joan: Seriously, where does your dad work?

    He's nice enough to admit he's my subordinate, but he leaves before he tells me what his dad does for a living. Which really pisses me off. Because I wanted to know. So unfortunately, all I can do is ask y'all where your dad's work. Please post in comment section.

    Props:

    - Xatu for looking like a boss.
    - Sazandora for wrapping his choice scarf round his head like a focus sash.
    - Me for not having any really pussy Pokemon.

    Slops:

    - Xatu and Ninetales for getting dicked around by a horribly played Jirachi
    - Puss-Puss for having three really pussy Pokemon
    - Breloom for not winning the match, even though it is possibly the easiest Pokemon to use this side of Dory in the sand.

    MVP:

    My balls, for not allowing me to switch around and letting me attack wildly until I had won. If anyone wants to make my balls a sprite, feel free. They are shiny.
  2. FastFlygon

    FastFlygon

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2010
    Messages:
    538
    I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but I don't think this racist crap is appropriate for Smogon.
  3. NiKoPiKo

    NiKoPiKo

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2011
    Messages:
    3
    Uhhh this is riduculous, virtually none of your pictures loaded, launguage was vulger, and the quote towards the end was out of proportion on all levels... 1/10 and whats the deal with the 9000 brelooms at the end. Reformat this, this was the worst warstory ive ever read....
  4. kalamadude

    kalamadude

    Joined:
    May 19, 2010
    Messages:
    210
    This. Was. Hilarious. Best warstory in weeks for humor value alone. 10/10

    Best line:

    "Plus, Kerudio is still alive and I'm worried I've been staring at it long enough to get me on some sort of FBI watch list."
  5. Instynct

    Instynct

    Joined:
    May 31, 2009
    Messages:
    159
    Do you have terrets? serious question.
  6. Hospy

    Hospy

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2010
    Messages:
    28
    Sprites are loading fine for me.

    I'm sure this was a really interesting battle and all, but I stopped reading after the fifth or so reference to your genitalia.
  7. Its_A_Random

    Its_A_Random Solves issues recursively
    is a Forum Moderatoris a Community Contributor
    Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2010
    Messages:
    2,306
    Agreeing with the first two replies in this warstory. Not only that, but the battle was crap. Several bouts of hax & a few misplays, & topped off with some annoying bits like the Brelooms forcing you to scroll down & the language. This is hardly Warstory standard. If anything, you really need to take a look at the archive to see the standard we expect.

    2/10 for the battle, 2/10 for the formatting, 1/10 for the commentary. Overall: 1/10. This is not warstory standard.
  8. SilverOrSomething

    SilverOrSomething

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2010
    Messages:
    35
    I've read warstoried with the OP winning the battle before but sir, this is the second true WIN I have ever seen on this side of smogon (first being the long but vexxing novel) I feel like as if I'm back on 4chan again and watching the oldspice commercial.

    Racist/vulgar or not, he parodies (not sure if "HURRDURR IM NOT A SWITCHER" or "I will really not switch this time" but still)the *switch-forever* playstyle quite efficiently (even though he almost loses) I wouldn't stay in after a couple of iron heads flinched my Xatu. Would've been better if he had rocks up.
  9. KokoaKiwi

    KokoaKiwi

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2010
    Messages:
    743
    Dude wtf. Once I stop crying in laughter Ill be able to rate.
    Edit: Taking away the racist shit, Im loling so hard at this

    edit2: I'm done. The battle itself wasn't TOO good, but I loved both the commentary and the formatting. 7/10. Once again, if it werent for the racist jokes I'd screencap this.
  10. Joeyboy

    Joeyboy Check out my Youtube channel! JoeyboyGames!
    is a Smogon Media Contributoris a Team Rater Alumnus
    Mentor

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2010
    Messages:
    1,433
    Yes

    May I just say one thing,

    The righteous among us follow in your footsteps oh mighty man of justice. I wish to hear the god's whisperings too, please tell me how I can............ Truly a stupendous battle, a beautiful painting transformed into words and phrases. All who look down on this War Story, REPENT!!!! and you may be forgiven.

    Also my dad works as a medicinal shaman. Real men use the spirits to become healthy!
  11. Lucario1337

    Lucario1337

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2009
    Messages:
    18
    This is the single BEST warstory ever just plain amazing 666/10
  12. Ellington

    Ellington

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2008
    Messages:
    117
    Before this gets banned for whatever reason, I just want to say I enjoyed this.
  13. FastFlygon

    FastFlygon

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2010
    Messages:
    538
    Seriously guys, this is funny but not the sort of thing we should encourage. Smogon is a competetive Pokemon community, not an outlet for Christian extremists to babble and insult. In addition, I don't think Pedophilia in any of it's forms is appropriate for this forum.
  14. StarBomber109

    StarBomber109

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2010
    Messages:
    19
    What did I even just read? (edit: I think it was the most hyperbole I've ever seen since I last went to YTTH)

    Props to you for writing this piece of work, and for making it as funny as it is, slops for offensive language and your opponent's lack of will to attack. If the internet has taught us anything though, it is that offensive stuff gets high marks from the masses shortly before the thread is locked :P
  15. KokoaKiwi

    KokoaKiwi

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2010
    Messages:
    743
    Actually, I'm guessing Trou du Cul for this one.
  16. Shining Kestral

    Shining Kestral

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2010
    Messages:
    318
    I'm sorry, I wasn't able to read this story over the deafening sound of your insecurity in your masculinity.
  17. Green Mage

    Green Mage

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2008
    Messages:
    567
    This was hilarious. Who cares about the battle? I almost died laughing.

    Edit: Christian Extremist? Are you really that ignorant? If this guy is Christian then i'm the queen of sheba.
  18. ensoriki

    ensoriki

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2006
    Messages:
    222
    Some funny things and, some excessive using of cursing that simply was not funny.
    Battle was boring but commentary got me through.
  19. MajorGambit

    MajorGambit

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2010
    Messages:
    104

    Any raters can come here and swear you for everything. But this is the FUNNIEST WARSTORY OF SMOGON! Seriously, I'm 22 years old, play pokes for a little fun after work and I know what you feel, like "you can't make adult jokes cause this is a kid's game". Hell with it! The battle was interesting, close, and you really had balls. Nice job!

    246 % on Xatu LOL

    11/10! Pros for your dark humor!
  20. Blue_Tornado

    Blue_Tornado

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2009
    Messages:
    3,324
    why aren't all warstories like this
  21. KokoaKiwi

    KokoaKiwi

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2010
    Messages:
    743
    Might as well make a sprite of this sir's balls.
    How could I miss the 200% Xatu? Now I laughed even harder when I saw it.
    Best warstory in weeks.
  22. -Honchkrow

    -Honchkrow

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2010
    Messages:
    4
    ^Basically.
    Like, it was pretty funny, but the whole AWESOME MANLY-MAN SPECIFIC GENDER ROLE sort of humor does not appeal to me.
  23. kalamadude

    kalamadude

    Joined:
    May 19, 2010
    Messages:
    210
    Don't forget the point where Kerudio was at +4 Stupid XD
  24. Strykeypoo

    Strykeypoo

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2011
    Messages:
    115
    Well this warstory was the reason to register that I was looking for. Only problem is the fact that the board can only go downhill from this point onwards.
  25. Veles

    Veles

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2009
    Messages:
    192
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)