Yep, this is a self-indulgent retirement post. I certainly never saw myself staying here forever, but I didn't really see myself retiring either so this feels a little odd. Still, I feel like the time has come for me to step down from everything. I'm really proud of what I've put into this tier, this community, and this site, but recently I haven't been living up to my own standards.
There was a time when I'd be spending large amounts of my week trying to improve our analyses, building teams, updating resources, looking out for ways to help people, and trying to become familiar with every minutia of the metagame. At first, I was doing all of that because I honestly wanted to and enjoyed putting my all into those projects. But for about the last 6 months or so, Smogon has gradually felt more like a job instead of a hobby.
I originally really dove into Smogon and took on a bunch of projects when I was going through a bad depressive episode, and I needed some control in my life. Real life was overwhelming; mons made sense and the people in our community routinely lifted my spirits. Looking back I was using it as an escape to a probably unhealthy extent, but it became something more. I've had some friends tell me that I was doing a thankless job, and although it felt that way sometimes, I don't think that's entirely accurate. Sure, I didn't have people flooding my PMs with praise, but I could tell that my work was appreciated and I felt seen and heard every day I spent on Smogon, PS, or Discord (or, for you semi-oldies, on Skype.... the dark days of QC).
Even more than that, the time I've spent here has been worth it for the little moments that don't involve contributions or Pokemon. The DOU Discord was one of the first semi-public places where I ever came out, and every response I got was either shrugging it off as no big deal or celebrating for me. Growing up I was told all these scary stories warning that people on the internet could be *anyone*, and that you had to be careful. It was ingrained in my head that I shouldn't trust anyone unless I knew them offline. So, to reach a point where, through connections to these people that I've never "met", I felt like I could really be me and start to accept myself as a gay guy, I think that says a great deal.
For the past couple months, I've been somewhat overwhelmed IRL for reasons that I don't really want to get into here. Instead of just burying myself in projects and digging further into my online circle though, I recognize that I need to take some time and focus on myself. I've done that for a couple days sporadically in the past, and the wonderful people here have always been supportive. Each time, the quick reset was worth it, and now I can use my extra time to focus on myself, both in terms of my ongoing mental health struggles and the more concrete aspects of my life.
With all of that said, I hope my departure gives other people a chance to shine and fill roles that I've been sitting in for far too long. There are plenty of amazing and dedicated people in this community, and I've been hogging the opportunities. I feel like the community growth has stagnated a bit, and I take responsibility for that, since my own approach has stagnated along with it.
I'll still hang around and lurk in the DOU Discord, but don't expect me to join any tournaments, make posts, or help out with any projects. I think I need a full retirement if I'm going to get anything out of stepping down. I'm not going to write individual shoutouts, because I've been here for so long that the shoutouts alone would take about 2 hours and 3000 words to write. That said, I hope anyone who has bothered to read this far already knows that I love and appreciate them. I know that people who go so far as to make retirement posts are usually the people that un-retire, and often pretty quickly. So I won't say I'm gone for good, but goodbye (for now).
TL;DR -- tree out
There was a time when I'd be spending large amounts of my week trying to improve our analyses, building teams, updating resources, looking out for ways to help people, and trying to become familiar with every minutia of the metagame. At first, I was doing all of that because I honestly wanted to and enjoyed putting my all into those projects. But for about the last 6 months or so, Smogon has gradually felt more like a job instead of a hobby.
I originally really dove into Smogon and took on a bunch of projects when I was going through a bad depressive episode, and I needed some control in my life. Real life was overwhelming; mons made sense and the people in our community routinely lifted my spirits. Looking back I was using it as an escape to a probably unhealthy extent, but it became something more. I've had some friends tell me that I was doing a thankless job, and although it felt that way sometimes, I don't think that's entirely accurate. Sure, I didn't have people flooding my PMs with praise, but I could tell that my work was appreciated and I felt seen and heard every day I spent on Smogon, PS, or Discord (or, for you semi-oldies, on Skype.... the dark days of QC).
Even more than that, the time I've spent here has been worth it for the little moments that don't involve contributions or Pokemon. The DOU Discord was one of the first semi-public places where I ever came out, and every response I got was either shrugging it off as no big deal or celebrating for me. Growing up I was told all these scary stories warning that people on the internet could be *anyone*, and that you had to be careful. It was ingrained in my head that I shouldn't trust anyone unless I knew them offline. So, to reach a point where, through connections to these people that I've never "met", I felt like I could really be me and start to accept myself as a gay guy, I think that says a great deal.
For the past couple months, I've been somewhat overwhelmed IRL for reasons that I don't really want to get into here. Instead of just burying myself in projects and digging further into my online circle though, I recognize that I need to take some time and focus on myself. I've done that for a couple days sporadically in the past, and the wonderful people here have always been supportive. Each time, the quick reset was worth it, and now I can use my extra time to focus on myself, both in terms of my ongoing mental health struggles and the more concrete aspects of my life.
With all of that said, I hope my departure gives other people a chance to shine and fill roles that I've been sitting in for far too long. There are plenty of amazing and dedicated people in this community, and I've been hogging the opportunities. I feel like the community growth has stagnated a bit, and I take responsibility for that, since my own approach has stagnated along with it.
I'll still hang around and lurk in the DOU Discord, but don't expect me to join any tournaments, make posts, or help out with any projects. I think I need a full retirement if I'm going to get anything out of stepping down. I'm not going to write individual shoutouts, because I've been here for so long that the shoutouts alone would take about 2 hours and 3000 words to write. That said, I hope anyone who has bothered to read this far already knows that I love and appreciate them. I know that people who go so far as to make retirement posts are usually the people that un-retire, and often pretty quickly. So I won't say I'm gone for good, but goodbye (for now).
TL;DR -- tree out
