Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

[FlamingVictini]

Posting for a friend.

Thanks to the person posting this anonymously. I don't really want my name attached. Honestly, I'd prefer it if nobody read this but I did want it out in the public sphere.

It's no secret that the pandemic has affected a lot of us negatively, and for me it's definitely been a wild ride. A lot of feelings and things have come up that I thought I dealt with. I don't really feel comfortable going to my friends, either, not because they're bad but because they're too nice and they'll care too much and they'll worry and I don't wanna put that on them. I don't really know where to start. The flow will be off, so bear with me.

Growing up was rough. We had enough money to be comfortable, that wasn't the issue. It's just that my childhood was so... Strange? There was the normal slaps and stuff, but they'd also like, kick me and other uncommon stuff. I'm still trying to get over the psychological trauma. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared to do things for them, because I'm worried they won't be the correct things to do. They always tell me that I need to understand them well so that they don't have to ask for things to be done, but it feels like whenever I do something, it's wrong. And when they ask me to do something, they get pissed whenever I ask them stuff that'd help me do the task better. Whenever I don't do the right thing the exact way they want it, it's always my fault. My sibling lives a way better life, too, but my parents don't even try to hide the fact that they're the favorite child.

Even now, the difference between how I'm treated and how they're treated is stark, to say the least. My sibling gets so much love - and I'm happy for them - and then when my parents interact with me it's silence and veiled insults and passive aggressive comments about how I never eat enough but then making me feel guilty for eating food and for why? I guess it just really sucks being stuck with people who don't like you at all. They keep me around because their image would suffer if I wasn't around, but really, I don't matter to them. I'm also the one who keeps this family together because somehow, even after all this abuse and trauma and stuff I'm still the one who has to support everyone because I'm the oldest child at 21 and so I should have a 6 figure job now and a S/O and it's just so fucking funny to me that I have to keep everything together and hold my family together while they're kicking and screaming and shouting and throwing a temper tantrum where it just piles up to the point where it'd be easier to just run off into the unknown and Hell following me would be better than my parents following me.

That's not to say this pandemic has been all bad. I've done a lot of reflecting and figured out what I want to do with my life, and I feel like I've strengthened my relationships and stuff. The issue is that there's just so much from my past that keeps hurting me and I can tell it's affecting my behavior. Typically when I can tell this is happening, I retreat to avoid hurting my friends while I work through my own baggage. The issue is that this time, I'm stuck in a prison and I'm worried I may be giving myself a lifetime sentence if I withdraw. It's selfish, I know. It's selfish to put others in a position where they'd risk getting hurt because I couldn't keep up my mask. But it's hard, and I just want my friends to be happy, and typically they're happy so I don't even want to go to them because who am I to ruin their emotional state? And then they're there for me anyway but I don't actually want them to be there but they're still there and it's such a mess and so confusing. I don't understand people. I also can't like, tell whether some of them like me or not, because sometimes they'll just ignore me and I get they owe me nothing but it also just confuses me a ton. Maybe they're not in the headspace to deal with it, which is fine? Or maybe they just don't see it. I have a tendency to overcomplicate things, so I try not to make the worst of everything but it's still a possibility.

There's just so much trauma and this post doesn't even cover a majority of it. So much had happened in my life and I genuinely believe I was dealt such a horrible hand, and I've been trying to make the best of it for years but it's so incredibly difficult to stay positive and optimistic in this setting.

This has been an incredibly disorganized and incoherent mess and I'm sorry. This post honestly doesn't cover everything, but I wanted to put something out into the public sphere because... I'm not sure why. I don't want anyone to try and help me, because I know they can't and I know that if anyone is gonna help me, it's myself. The first thing that came to my mind when I thought of this wasn't really letting people know they aren't alone either, although that is something that kept me going. I guess the point of this post is to say that I'm a selfish prick who's jealous of the love their sibling gets, among many other things? God knows. I'm a horrible person deep down, but I guess I'm still sad so I'm releasing some of the baggage into the forums anyway even though I know so many of the things I feel are wrong.

It feels wrong to end this post on a bitter note, even though all the stuff I've said has been bitter, so I guess I'll conclude by saying that I've beaten this once before and I'll beat it again, no matter how tough it is. And after I do, I'm going to take this life and make it mine. Until then.

 

[anaconja]

yeah

i was hoping i wouldnt have to post here again but im basically in the same place as i was before so im back. here are the updates:

• i ended the winter term with a c in japanese because i missed the oral part of the final exam + it turns out i was doing more poorly than i thought (my professor would tell me later that i was one of the bottom in my class); because of this my dad absolutely shit on me and i had a breakdown
• i decided to take the spring term off because online classes just cannot work for me; i have it bad enough with my (likely) gaming addiction and not having to show up to class made me take none of my classes seriously
• my mom and dad separated while i was in school (she moved to texas). i dont feel much of anything about it on this which kind of surprises me, but now they keep asking me to take their side when honestly i want nothing to do with their drama
• ive been living with my dad until now. hes improved since winter break but still pressures me to do things when i dont really want to do them (for example he wants me to do this internship involving kubernetes when they make 0 sense to me even when i try learning more about them)
• i still havent seen a therapist regularly yet. my dad said hes trying to find me a "counselor" (because he keeps insisting i dont have depression even though i told him im 99% sure i do) but for some reason nothings happened so far
• over the spring term and summer break i havent been productive like i told myself i would. tried to keep studying japanese at first but its really hard to keep my morale up when i have no structure. plus its been really hard for me to focus probably because i keep getting distracted by all the games i play
• there is one piece of good news though: i made a new friend who i really like. granted my dad set us up (shes my sister's partner on the college tennis team and we hit tennis once a week) but i keep surprising myself when i have decently long conversations. ive been wanting to hang out with her more but im not sure what we could do, plus i might be running out of conversation topics to use

tw: suicide mention

it just feels like im stuck in this hole of mediocrity, stuck in this cycle of playing games and listening to music constantly to drown out a voice in my head that keeps telling me stuff like "you suck. youre pathetic. you typing about a voice inside your head sounds stupid." i have so many problems that i dont know which one to solve first, and i dont have the willpower to even begin. the worst thing is i dont even know whether im right or not. like maybe all of this is just my own excuse and im just being lazy or dodging responsibilities. though theres probably at least a grain of truth to that since its been 5 months already. i just hate myself a lot. like everyone around me is succeeding in one way or another and im just sitting here with almost nothing. im lucky that im too scared of death to end my life because otherwise i probably would have done it a long time ago but the last few years have mostly sucked overall. i dont know where im going with this now and its 4 in the morning so ill go to sleep and hopefully force myself to talk to my dad about that counselor

addendum

my need for games fucking sucks. ive gotten myself into so many of them too. it cripples my motivation to work because my brain will tell me "you should finish nier replicant. you need to finish yakuza 0 so you can play yakuza 7. you barely started rdr2. you bought witcher 3 and assassin's creed valhalla but you havent even opened them. oh look here's 5 notifications from arknights and touhou lost word. build some more camo teams for ompl too." and games are like one of the only things im good at so i cant help but play but then it prevents me from improving in other areas which just feeds this cycle.

 

[Wildfiree]

i was hoping i wouldnt have to post here again but im basically in the same place as i was before so im back. here are the updates:

• i ended the winter term with a c in japanese because i missed the oral part of the final exam + it turns out i was doing more poorly than i thought (my professor would tell me later that i was one of the bottom in my class); because of this my dad absolutely shit on me and i had a breakdown
• i decided to take the spring term off because online classes just cannot work for me; i have it bad enough with my (likely) gaming addiction and not having to show up to class made me take none of my classes seriously
• my mom and dad separated while i was in school (she moved to texas). i dont feel much of anything about it on this which kind of surprises me, but now they keep asking me to take their side when honestly i want nothing to do with their drama
• ive been living with my dad until now. hes improved since winter break but still pressures me to do things when i dont really want to do them (for example he wants me to do this internship involving kubernetes when they make 0 sense to me even when i try learning more about them)
• i still havent seen a therapist regularly yet. my dad said hes trying to find me a "counselor" (because he keeps insisting i dont have depression even though i told him im 99% sure i do) but for some reason nothings happened so far
• over the spring term and summer break i havent been productive like i told myself i would. tried to keep studying japanese at first but its really hard to keep my morale up when i have no structure. plus its been really hard for me to focus probably because i keep getting distracted by all the games i play
• there is one piece of good news though: i made a new friend who i really like. granted my dad set us up (shes my sister's partner on the college tennis team and we hit tennis once a week) but i keep surprising myself when i have decently long conversations. ive been wanting to hang out with her more but im not sure what we could do, plus i might be running out of conversation topics to use

tw: suicide mention

it just feels like im stuck in this hole of mediocrity, stuck in this cycle of playing games and listening to music constantly to drown out a voice in my head that keeps telling me stuff like "you suck. youre pathetic. you typing about a voice inside your head sounds stupid." i have so many problems that i dont know which one to solve first, and i dont have the willpower to even begin. the worst thing is i dont even know whether im right or not. like maybe all of this is just my own excuse and im just being lazy or dodging responsibilities. though theres probably at least a grain of truth to that since its been 5 months already. i just hate myself a lot. like everyone around me is succeeding in one way or another and im just sitting here with almost nothing. im lucky that im too scared of death to end my life because otherwise i probably would have done it a long time ago but the last few years have mostly sucked overall. i dont know where im going with this now and its 4 in the morning so ill go to sleep and hopefully force myself to talk to my dad about that counselor

addendum

my need for games fucking sucks. ive gotten myself into so many of them too. it cripples my motivation to work because my brain will tell me "you should finish nier replicant. you need to finish yakuza 0 so you can play yakuza 7. you barely started rdr2. you bought witcher 3 and assassin's creed valhalla but you havent even opened them. oh look here's 5 notifications from arknights and touhou lost word. build some more camo teams for ompl too." and games are like one of the only things im good at so i cant help but play but then it prevents me from improving in other areas which just feeds this cycle.

Stay positive I’m wishing you the best. I feel how you feel you aren’t alone my thoughts and prayers. Keep doing what you love so it distracts you from negativity.

i was hoping i wouldnt have to post here again but im basically in the same place as i was before so im back. here are the updates:

• i ended the winter term with a c in japanese because i missed the oral part of the final exam + it turns out i was doing more poorly than i thought (my professor would tell me later that i was one of the bottom in my class); because of this my dad absolutely shit on me and i had a breakdown
• i decided to take the spring term off because online classes just cannot work for me; i have it bad enough with my (likely) gaming addiction and not having to show up to class made me take none of my classes seriously
• my mom and dad separated while i was in school (she moved to texas). i dont feel much of anything about it on this which kind of surprises me, but now they keep asking me to take their side when honestly i want nothing to do with their drama
• ive been living with my dad until now. hes improved since winter break but still pressures me to do things when i dont really want to do them (for example he wants me to do this internship involving kubernetes when they make 0 sense to me even when i try learning more about them)
• i still havent seen a therapist regularly yet. my dad said hes trying to find me a "counselor" (because he keeps insisting i dont have depression even though i told him im 99% sure i do) but for some reason nothings happened so far
• over the spring term and summer break i havent been productive like i told myself i would. tried to keep studying japanese at first but its really hard to keep my morale up when i have no structure. plus its been really hard for me to focus probably because i keep getting distracted by all the games i play
• there is one piece of good news though: i made a new friend who i really like. granted my dad set us up (shes my sister's partner on the college tennis team and we hit tennis once a week) but i keep surprising myself when i have decently long conversations. ive been wanting to hang out with her more but im not sure what we could do, plus i might be running out of conversation topics to use

tw: suicide mention

it just feels like im stuck in this hole of mediocrity, stuck in this cycle of playing games and listening to music constantly to drown out a voice in my head that keeps telling me stuff like "you suck. youre pathetic. you typing about a voice inside your head sounds stupid." i have so many problems that i dont know which one to solve first, and i dont have the willpower to even begin. the worst thing is i dont even know whether im right or not. like maybe all of this is just my own excuse and im just being lazy or dodging responsibilities. though theres probably at least a grain of truth to that since its been 5 months already. i just hate myself a lot. like everyone around me is succeeding in one way or another and im just sitting here with almost nothing. im lucky that im too scared of death to end my life because otherwise i probably would have done it a long time ago but the last few years have mostly sucked overall. i dont know where im going with this now and its 4 in the morning so ill go to sleep and hopefully force myself to talk to my dad about that counselor

addendum

my need for games fucking sucks. ive gotten myself into so many of them too. it cripples my motivation to work because my brain will tell me "you should finish nier replicant. you need to finish yakuza 0 so you can play yakuza 7. you barely started rdr2. you bought witcher 3 and assassin's creed valhalla but you havent even opened them. oh look here's 5 notifications from arknights and touhou lost word. build some more camo teams for ompl too." and games are like one of the only things im good at so i cant help but play but then it prevents me from improving in other areas which just feeds this cycle.

Stay strong a lot of time we have so much things going on all at once and it’s like you just want to quit on everything including life. Just take it a step at a time do not think too far ahead think in the now. There is nothing wrong with playing games to distract you from negativity. Also I feel how you feel on my peers succeeding and I’m not. However I just came to the conclusion it’s not my season yet. Harvest time will come we just have to work through the drought. Best of luck my friend stay strong.

 

[Wildfiree]

I need to vent so here I am again.

don't open this

TW: Suicidal thoughts, loneliness

Today I finished my first year of college, it felt odd arriving late and leaving early but I should be happy to be done early, right? Well this weird feeling persisted alongside a feeling of loneliness because the college felt so empty, and on my last day of being there too.

I guess this feeling was the trigger for what's been going on today. I've been lost in thoughts and feelings of depression and extreme loneliness, existential loneliness even. I've been thinking about life and what I'm working for. Doubts have entered my mind about if this is even worth it.

I don't care to be rich or own a bunch of stuff.

None of my friends are even a little close to me and I barely ever see them. My relationship with my family is surface level and mostly just me putting out a performance of pretending to be OK.

I have almost no faith in love anymore. It doesn't seem to be true or lasting.

If no one loves me or truly cares about me and probably never will, what is the point in this? I'm so depressed and lonely and have no hope for it to really change. Why am I struggling and putting up with the pain? I want to kill myself because I really have nothing to live for.

I'm so tired and empty. I wish I had something truly worth living for.


Sorry if you read that, it was awful.

The fact your still in college through all your mental battles tells me you have fight in you a desire unknown to yourself to keep going. Sometimes you feel you all alone in the world and no one understands sometimes it be like that unfortunately. I read it and had no issue because you aren’t a burden you are just a person that’s in the drought waiting to be in harvest. I can’t do much but offer encouraging words but I hope it’s enough to restore a seed of hope in your mind. I know of the pain you speak. You are worth it just wanted to tell you that keep up the good work I wish you the best. :)

 

[Ema Skye]

My hope is that this will be cathartic because I am very lonely right now.

Life, a Monologue

TW: homophobia, religious violence

My family is deeply rooted in evangelical fundamentalism and this, has caused, some trauma that has come to light. I also have incredibly high anxiety, which remained undiagnosed until I was 19. I suspect that I have other conditions as well, possibly ADHD, OCD, bipolar or a milder form of autism. I definitely have depression as well, especially as anxiety and depression are common co-morbitities. However, it took me literally being admitted into a ward to get the first diagnosis as my family just believes prayer will make it go away. I was hoping at some point to meet with a psychologist to figure out the rest of this, but...

I found out last month I'm losing my job, effective next week. Despite job searching every day for positions in my field and entry-level positions at others, it is looking like I am going to be unemployed for the first time in my life and it fucking sucks. Like I can't even imagine that I can't even get a minimum wage job at Walmart or whatever. And all I can think of is how much of a mistake I must be at age 27 to have flunked out of my career already.

So, having been backed into a corner, the only option I have left is to move back in with my parents. Which I am obviously not thrilled about. Furthermore, I have been a closeted gay for a few years now (fundies do this to you) and was hoping I could finally go out and meet people, but that's not happening now. Just as I was getting ready to find a community to come out to, I'm locking myself back in again because I'm convinced shit will hit the fan if I'm out at home because fundies don't play well with gays. Like I believe there is a legitimate chance I could be homeless if I tell anyone now.

Things came to a head this weekend when a family member was admitted to the hospital in critical condition and I felt nothing. I felt awful that I'm just numb at the fact that a family member could be dying when I saw suffering all around me, like what kind of monster must I be. I don't know if it's just my frustration with my family or religion or both but I had the only dry eyes in the room.

I am at the point now where I am just apathetic towards everything. I used to love playing games, cooking food, reading and writing but I have no joy for any of that now. The only thing that brings me joy is the Wendys drive thru, which is obviously problematic. I was a vegetarian for years and this latest spout even has me eating meat again because I don't give a fuck about anything anymore. This has also meant that I've put on a lot of weight in the past month and have probably developed binge eating disorder (which ties in with other mental health possibilities) and gives me another reason to hate my life again.

My ultimate goal in life is to travel more but it seems like I'll never be able to do that without a well-paying job again, which seems just so far away right now. I would also just like to be able to live my authentic self, but that just never seems like it's going to happen until everyone is dead and they can't hate me anymore.

Then I think about the state of the world and just feel even more despair. Climate change is annihilating the world and no one seems to care, and world leaders are leaving it to children to convince them to do anything. I think about racial divides. I live in Canada and we are coming to face with generations of cultural genocide against Indigenous people, of which I am one, and I can't help but think that could've been me or my family that we're finding in mass graves in the ground. I think about the pandemic and how inept most world leaders have been at saving lives in their country because they're afraid to piss off their crazies.

Life is exhausting and it makes me mad while also making me sad because it shouldn't have to be this way.

 

[emma]

for the past ~week i have slowly been crumbling back into a state of depression.

i think this mostly stems from my absolute fear of going back to school at the end of august. college is already hard to begin with, but along with covid, it was genuinely such a terrible experience. i did all my classes from my tiny dorm with my maga supporting clown of a roommate, and not only is it much harder to learn calculus online, but it is impossible to make any sort of social connection. the only 'friends' (i use that term loosely) were three people living on my floor, and when your school has over five thousand undergraduate students, that's pretty disappointing. i've gone over this time and time again, but aside from the impossible-to-make-friends archetype of my freshman experience, the academic side of things was so mentally challenging, taxing, and exhausting. i don't know who thought this was a good idea, but learning four levels of calculus and chemistry in two semesters (along with my other classes) is not fun, and i am absolutely terrified of year 2. this year i effectively only took two 'real' classes per team, but next year it's getting bumped up to three. combined with the fact that i can no longer commit academic dishonesty on every exam, i am really scared of how bad this school year is going to be. im already thinking about taking a term or even a full semester off if it gets too tough. maybe im just mentally weak, but i am quite literally haunted every day at the premise of the school year starting again. i still have eight weeks to go, but it doesn't matter. every night when i go to bed i think about how i am one step closer to returning to campus and most likely a depressive state. the dumbest part is that i'm not even struggling in school, in fact i'm quite excelling with a 3.5 gpa and getting straight a's my last term, which would make it very hard to convince my dumbass family (who, in case u were forgotten, responded with me coming out as trans to them with "you are not trans") that i need a real break from school for mental health reasons.

things are not helped my the fact that when im not in school and depressed, i'm on break doing nothing fun, being haunted by school returning, and slowly but surely becoming depressed. the past ~1.5 month since ive been on break has been fine but this week i have had thoughts of wanting to die and not wanting to wake up return to me for the first time in a while, and frankly, it sucks. probably stems from the fact that, like i mentioned before, i make terrible use of my free time. i have no hobbies outside of smogon at this point. i've been throwing myself into c&c / writing articles / creating resources / etc. but honestly its just because if im not doing anything im just gonna go lay on my bed in the dark and be sad. i even do, frankly, waste of time things like finding all time dou / rby player records from spl/snake/wcop or redoing the entirely of rbypl 1 usage stats, which people don't really care about, but i need to constantly keep myself busy or i know im going to go cry in my room. this 'strategy' of piling myself with smogon work has mostly kept me in check, but this past week has been so bad. its really hit me that ive spent my entire summer doing nothing fun or worthwhile, and instead been lying to myself that doing 6 qc checks in 2 days was a healthy way to spend ur time.

these past 1.5 months have really just been a huge facade -- i'm not happy, and smogon work was just a barrier i put up to distract me from the fact that i've been wasting all my free time doing nothing bc i don't know what makes me happy.

even now that i've realized i've been lying to myself, i don't know how to fix this problem. i cant remember the last time i was really happy. the closet thing i can remember is watching my friends play back to back tour sets in call, and i think thats a sign that i really deeply miss social interaction. my birthday is coming up in less than two weeks and i am not excited to turn 19 while sitting in my room all day getting zero birthday wishes because i don't have any irl friends. this is a pretty depressive picture to paint and the worst part is it probably becomes real soon.

sophmore year - senior year of high school pre covid was probably the peak of my life. hopefully i dont come off as flexing, but i was legitimately very popular and did very well in classes with minimal stress. i had fun at school every day since i could hang out with my friends, and i would even do things like winning back-to-back talent shows by making everyone laugh. i was really happy then. unfor, covid striked, school shut down, and all my closest friends outed themselves as bad human beings when they would kept staying maga shit like "covid isn't real, look at the numbers" and "black lives matter protests need to be shut down" and "if you don't want to be shot by the police don't resist". just absolutely terrible people that i had to eventually cut off. ever since, i've not been able to create a new group of friends, and i think thats the cause of my pain. im generally very outgoing but bc of covid ive been forced into a shell where i cant interact with other human beings. i remember in summers prior i used to go to summer camp and hang out with people all day or play sports and hang out with people all day, and this year i just dont have that option. i instead spend all my time on smogon/discord and while i do appreciate my friends, its just not the same.

this is of course without mentioning trans issue lol. very cool that i told my parents i was trans, they tried to "talk me out of it" basically, and like three or whatever months later they've completely forgotten. maybe i should have continued to press the issue, but i also expected my family to accept me for who i was. at this point it might be too late to ever come out until i graduate college which really fucking sucks. i thought about the other day how id never be able to have a coming out party which made me cry, and typing it out rn had made me tear up. then we get the consistent transphobia in smogon / irl which as u might be able to guess, is very much not fun. i could go on for hours about how being trans sucks so much, but ill just ask that u trust me on this one.

anyways tl;dr i suck, life sucks, feelings of wanting to die have come back for the first time in months, and its only going to get worse when school starts back up. i am hoping, praying, that i am able to manage this upcoming school year but probably for the first time in my life i am really doubting my ability to successfully complete the school year without exploding.

highs and lows are just all part of the game, but man do i not wanna be here rn lol

peace

 

[Ren]

http://instagr.am/p/CQtf9rXMIg9/
Ariana Grande is giving away 1 million dollars in therapy. If you feel you may need it, then please go sign up. If you're scared of the prospect of opening up to somebody, at least try once. Everyone deserves to be healed.

 

[Rubyblood]

We don't heal from depression, we live with it. Like accepting to live knowing that each of us will die.
Just my opinion as someone who has suffered from depression for years.

 

[King Feraligatr]

Why the fuck do people care if I bash myself, especially those who have no reason to care? Barring it being annoying, I can't see any reason. People just don't understand what is moral and just for me and try spread their self righteousness "we can 'help' you" shit on me. They're going to make themselves the laughing stock of those who understand basic morality and justice and maybe make themselves the enemy of whatever alt-righter, Nazi, commie, government/corporate goon, etc. that'd want to purge me (When whoever's in charge or decides to snap does their mass genocide. People being people --- we love killing each other). I don't think they'd want that. And it seems a bizarre from a meta sense --- why waste your time on a whiny, entitled freak like me when there's others who need more help? This shit doesn't make any sense. As one of the worst people in history, why waste your time with me, especially if you have no reason to care? Anytime anyone tries to "help", it just generally pushes me to the opposite direction. Also, if I where to be "fixed", I'd just be an arrogant asshole instead. No inbetweens. As TVTropes might say,"Nice job breaking it 'hero'.".

I don't generally like the "euphoria" that comes from a "positive" mind.... it doesn't fit me. It doesn't feel right --- it feels wrong. It's like that it was how was meant not to be. I'm taking away happiness/"happiness" away from someone else who deserves it more. And smart people and extremists assfucks would say it's right (with the latter wanting to kill me.... and my whole family... but let's hope that never happens to them due to my crimes. :( ).... how can I argue with that? With smart people being the most correct people in the world and extremists strongarming things and always being "that person who sounds 'smart' and snide in the corner"... how would I ever have that chance? I'll answer for you: I don't. I was born wrong and deserve to suffer for it. Can it be annoying? Yeah. Do I've any right to complain about it (much as I sometimes do)? No, not at all. Will save me some face when I'm up against my executioner (assuming I just don't the job myself.). I'm just that bad.

In short, I'M A FUCKING AWFUL PERSON WHO DESERVES ALL THE SHIT I GET AND MORE AND SHOULD BE TORTURED AND KILLED FOR MY CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY. Maybe then the world can know some peace.

Hide

I've also pissed off a lot of people, burned several bridges, and been banned several times for acting the way I do. I might not always like it, but that's the price you pay for telling the truth about yourself. This train ain't stopping.

 

[Dorron]

I never thought I would ever post here, but anyways, this took me 4 hours because I couldn't find the words

edit

changed a few words that might probably confuse people when reading. For those who already read it, I am not gay, I just wanted to say that it is totally okay to be gay, but the words "someone spread a rumour that I was gay, which is totally right (meaning ok)" might have confused you.

No friends, loneliness, sickness, suicidal thoughts, depression

I think I sțarted to feel like this back when I was 12. I started high school with the sameclassmates as I had ever had, butthere was something different. Everybody had changed a lot. I had a few friends before then (3, 4?), not a lot as I have always been introvert in real life and that's not rlly good for making friends, but after that summer they were acting like we had never met before. Even my best friend, who I used to spend a lot of time with talking about our things including Pokemon and was the person I used to trust in more, started to behave as if I were just another person in his life. The only moment I could talk to anybody without being ignored or answered with things like "Yes" or "I don't know" to end the conversation was during the rest time, when the whole class would be playing football, but I never got to feel comfortable with that, as I am very clumsy in general and football wasn't the exception. If they couldn't play football for any reason, they would use their phones to play or chat and I would get totally ignored. This year was also very tough for me as I was accused to share some controversial photos in social networks, which couldn't be possible as I had no way to receive it (they said I received them in WhatsApp but I didn't have a mobile phone until next summer). This lead to people not trusting in me at all for a long time. This also was the first year in which I both failed an exam and a subject. I used to be the student who didn't need to study to get a high note before that, and my sister was doing much better than me in third year and my parents were brilliant students too, so I got shouted and compared a lot at home, including the likes off why I couldn't be like them and the other good students of my class. Fortunately, I got good marks afterwards, but the comparisons are still common nowadays. They also used to mention how I never met with friends unlike my sister who used to hang out with her friends a lot. The rest of the year was just being bored, playing football with people who didn't like me and hoping I would meet new people.

That summer I didn't do anything exciting at all besides playing videogames (I had no friends to play with) and watching F1. I didn't have a mobile phone until the end of summer and my whole class did, so I didn't know anything about them until the new school year. This year I thought it would be different, and it really was, but not the way I expected.

When classes started, I was placed next to a girl I had some confidence with, which was the best to happen honestly. A classmate was being kind without needing anything from me. I hadn't felt that for two years. Unfortunately it didn't last so long as she was told to sit at the other corner of the class after a few weeks. The rest of the class was exactly the same as the previous year, except that there were some new people, including two guys who had to repeat year. They weren't nice at all, and they used to laugh at me. They also were known because of being violent with whoever tried to tell the teachers anything, and my nonexistent self-confidence and awful physical abilites didn't help at all. The rest of the class was very scared or didn't worry about me enough to help so the rest of the year was a hell when I was at school. I again failed subjects, this time twice, one in the first term and another in the second, and my parents words were just making it worse. This was the time when I started to cry in silence at nights sometimes. I didn't want to go to school at all, the simple idea made me feel sick.
Then, after a few weeks in hospital, my grandmother passed. I got totally nuked mentally, I couldn't believe it and seing my family that sad just made it worse for me. I just wanted to lie in bed for days. This happened in the exams week so I had to study, which was almost impossible for me and resulted in failing.
After a few weeks, my neighbour invited her friends to our neighbourhood to play paddle tennis, who were from my class, and asked me to play with them. After that day I was added to their WhatsApp chat. I couldn't believe I had friends. But it didn't last that much, as in summer they made another chat without me and I didn't know why. I felt terribly bad. Why did they leave without saying a word? What had I done bad? A lot of things in my head.

The beginning of the third year was very frustrating for me. First, I had courage to ask that people why I was left alone. The answer? "They didn't", and they refused to keep talking about it. Also, as I used to talk more to girls than boys as I feel more comfortable with them (I was confirmed this was the reason), someone thought it was a good idea to spread a romour that I was gay, which is totally normal, but the people of my year were totally homophobic at that age, something that fortunately is over. This lead to me being disliked by more people than I would have ever liked. As a result of this and other events, I was totally alone again and started to feel more and more depressed and lonely. I didn't want to do anything, not even eating or sleeping. I started to cry at nights every day. I felt like nobody liked me. In any of the ways. I wondered why some people were just lucky and popular or had eases making friends. I was starting to have suicidal thoughts. I almost searched on the Internet the best ways to proceed. I really considered it as a good option for a long time. I don't remember what stopped me, but it worked. I sometimes have flashes of those thoughts nowadays, though, but the intention isn't there so I guess it's okay.

Fourth year. By this moment, I had been hearing my classmates talk about their plans and the things they had been doing after school for the previous four years. I still couldn't figure out why I couldn't be like them, I just wanted real friends.
Another big event here is that my mother contracted cancer, which didn't help at all to my mental health (she is totally fine nowadays).
My brain was about to explode, and the suicidal thoughts hadn't left a year later. My marks seemed to be pretty low at the end of that year. After doing a bad exam, I couldn't hold on anymore. I collapsed, started crying and left the class to go to the bathroom to relax, with the class being aware of me not being ok. (The previous year I had made a friend, a guy who had to repeat third year, but he was totally different from the other two. He was very kind and we shared a lot of things, but I didn't fit at all in his group of friends.) That friend would eventually appear and talk with me. After that, I had to explain my teacher the situation and context, so now my class was somehow "obblied" to be my friend, which literally didn't last more than that summer (this happened in May), resulting again in being depressed and having suicidal thoughts.

These last two years at school have been much better than the previous four, but I still feel depressed in other way. I've found some people I am more or less comfortable with, but they had a big argument lastly and one of them literally said "I am glad I won't ever talk to people like you again", and the group is very unstable right now. It might even disappear in a few weeks and go back to having no friends. Also the pandemic didn't allow me to meet them better; they already were friends and I joined the group, so they really didn't have trouble with that thing in particular, but I am very shy when meeting new people and I had finally decided to try to open more to people, but I guess world said it wasn't a good moment. This had also been the year I had been going to the gym and I was taking part in my school's musical, I had bought everything and practising for months, but whenever I think I am doing well, something comes and fucks everything.

About what I feel right now. I don't want to do anything. Literally anything. It isn't because I don't want to exist or anything. It is just that nothing is fun or appealing for me right now. Not reading, playing videogames, and the thousands of hours I spend in Showdown the last three years have been totally useless for my objective, which was getting better at the game at least a bit, and I feel like I play worse and worse each day. I've been feeling like this for almost two years, and I don't know how long it will last. Also I couldn't go to the university I wanted and I will probably spend a year in another city, something I really hate. I sometimes have flashes of those four years and wonder why all that had to happen, start crying and proceed to hate myself.
I still feel very dependent of my parents and I am theroretically an adult, but don't feel as one.

I know this might not be very appealing to read due to my limited English, but I like and had to open up. This has been taking over me for years and I felt I needed to vent. Thanks for reading and have a good day.

 

[GatoDelFuego]

Why the fuck do people care if I bash myself, especially those who have no reason to care? Barring it being annoying, I can't see any reason. People just don't understand what is moral and just for me and try spread their self righteousness "we can 'help' you" shit on me. They're going to make themselves the laughing stock of those who understand basic morality and justice and maybe make themselves the enemy of whatever alt-righter, Nazi, commie, government/corporate goon, etc. that'd want to purge me (When whoever's in charge or decides to snap does their mass genocide. People being people --- we love killing each other). I don't think they'd want that. And it seems a bizarre from a meta sense --- why waste your time on a whiny, entitled freak like me when there's others who need more help? This shit doesn't make any sense. As one of the worst people in history, why waste your time with me, especially if you have no reason to care? Anytime anyone tries to "help", it just generally pushes me to the opposite direction. Also, if I where to be "fixed", I'd just be an arrogant asshole instead. No inbetweens. As TVTropes might say,"Nice job breaking it 'hero'.".

I don't generally like the "euphoria" that comes from a "positive" mind.... it doesn't fit me. It doesn't feel right --- it feels wrong. It's like that it was how was meant not to be. I'm taking away happiness/"happiness" away from someone else who deserves it more. And smart people and extremists assfucks would say it's right (with the latter wanting to kill me.... and my whole family... but let's hope that never happens to them due to my crimes. :( ).... how can I argue with that? With smart people being the most correct people in the world and extremists strongarming things and always being "that person who sounds 'smart' and snide in the corner"... how would I ever have that chance? I'll answer for you: I don't. I was born wrong and deserve to suffer for it. Can it be annoying? Yeah. Do I've any right to complain about it (much as I sometimes do)? No, not at all. Will save me some face when I'm up against my executioner (assuming I just don't the job myself.). I'm just that bad.

In short, I'M A FUCKING AWFUL PERSON WHO DESERVES ALL THE SHIT I GET AND MORE AND SHOULD BE TORTURED AND KILLED FOR MY CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY. Maybe then the world can know some peace.

Hide

I've also pissed off a lot of people, burned several bridges, and been banned several times for acting the way I do. I might not always like it, but that's the price you pay for telling the truth about yourself. This train ain't stopping.

Stfu and get some real help

Deep down you know what you're saying isn't true, the fact that you're posting itt is enough sign of that. Nobody deserves the torture you're describing and you know it. You're not responsible for your parents lol.

 

[King Feraligatr]

Stfu and get some real help

Deep down you know what you're saying isn't true, the fact that you're posting itt is enough sign of that. Nobody deserves the torture you're describing and you know it. You're not responsible for your parents lol.

I appreciate the first part of your response --- I tire of the "feel goody" responses that I usual get that have become so stereotypical. It's blunt, to the point, and doesn't fuck around. However, I must refute the rest of this. You don't know just how bad I am --- who are you to make moral calls like this? In addition, my mental health is not a priority right now (or usually). More important things to do. Like work on personal projects --- things that have way more worth than a personality-less ingrate like myself. Plus there's some pride to take in my own pain --- it's pain, but it's mine. I own it. It's me. I also don't want to be an arrogant jackass by getting helped (there's no nuance with me: it's either one thing or the other. In my case: depressed fuckwad or arrogant fucked. Nothing in between.... what would you rather have? I thought so. I chose for your benefit.). I'm also not used to "feel goody" nonsense about myself --- not going to force that into my life that much. Plus, I lack money. My fault for being a lazy, part time deadbeat. This part of me is here to stay for now, and there's not a thing you can do to stop me. Justice will be served.

Anyways, with that out of the way, there's something else I'd like to sort of talk about. Pain that I do not like. It's something that's been bothering me for years yet I cannot talk about it my family members and don't feel like talking about with therapists and most other people. Most people wouldn't think it bad, but I do. It's a total character betrayal if you ask me. Something I never signed up for. Sadly, it's just there to fester in my head, annoying and aggravating me until the end of times. It hurts, but the consequences of it becoming public would be so much worse. Like way worse. Back to having my parents and the like teasing me for something I fought to get them to stop bothering me about. Only a few people on the Internet know about it, but we still don't talk about it much --- it's just that bad to me. I don't think I'll ever find peace with it though since I cannot vent it to many and I just find it horrible to talk about. Stupid me, amIright? And no, I do not feel comfortable saying it here either (at least, not right now). If I don't feel comfortable sharing it with people who ostensibly it is their job to be private, why would I share it here?

 

[Wildfiree]

Hello everyone daily dose of positivity. I know some people think that words aren’t always enough. I used to be that way myself. I went through a lot of stuff a lot of pain, cried some days , question why some things happen. It’s ok to not be ok at times. Always keep pushing. Depression is no joke it’s understandable if you are sad and have thoughts about giving up. I’m here to tell you don’t keep pushing you may be tired , feel like no one cares, and you are better of dead. Im telling you to remove those thoughts and tell yourself something you like about yourself, what accomplishments you done that make you feel good about yourself and what got you to the point where you are now. Everyone’s story has a purpose. When you defeat depression you have the opportunity to save someone else from the same thing. One person at a time we can change the stigma of depression and mental health in general. That’s all I have for you all today. Stay strong , As cliche as it sounds there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Sk3no]

I feel like I have to post something here, although I don't have depression myself, I did have problems throughout my life that need to be addressed.

1. I don't go outside ever.
This one has been with me throughout my life and it still is, I do have the strength to do normal activities, like make myself food, have showers, brush my teeth, etc. However, when it come to outdoor activities I can never have the strength to do so, sure i go outside in my backyard occasionally just to get a bit of sunlight, but when it comes to walking, going somewhere, or even just hanging out with friends it can be a real struggle to me, I only go outside when I actually need to go out and about like going to shops, school, etc, and speaking of the aforementioned "hanging out with friends".

2. Having lack of friends.
This kinda has two parts, 1. Is that having no friends is okay, and 2. is the other way around, the trouble I had with friends at school, is that they always gave me "unnecessary attention" and I really wouldn't consider them my friend friends, them giving me unnecessary attention made me feel at bit uncomfortable as well as making me think they were bullying me, this is why I only stick to other friends that won't do that, and can actually talk about topics I like, when I left school (because it wasn't for me) I left my school friends behind as well, it's been almost 9 months since i left school, and it's been the same time when i haven't talked to anyone from my school (except for a few) now when it came to friends outside of school, yeah had no luck with that either, this is where the 2 parts come in, because atm i have thoughts between the 2 whether having no friends is a sigh of relief because they won't bother me anymore, and another part of me is like "You need friends" i still keep having thoughts about this.

3. Asperger syndrome
This is a personal one of mine and haven't really told anyone about this ever because for me i didn't know about this until this year, because this year my mum has been planning me to go and see a psychologist, before this I have been seeing a different psychologist, however this one was different as what I say to them don't get said back to my mum and is kept a secret (I'm still not sure about that) anyways, during the first, or second session we had my Psychologist told me that i had something about autism, when i first heard this i was pretty shocked, and then my psychologist proceed to ask be if I've been told i have it, i obviously respond with "no", the same day, i went home did a bit of research on it and then i was like "damn, I guess I do have it" now i don't recall which one it was but i do believe it was asperger syndrome as none of the other austim syndromes fitted me as a person, i still haven't told my mum about this and i honestly should one day, but then again i didn't know about this until this year, so i'm still not sure.

4. My smogon account.
This isn't really a problem but something i want to mention, I've only recently started getting back into the competitive pokemon scene and yeah I do miss it, however I don't miss what I did before I returned, some few people will probably recall me in 2017-18, back then I wasn't the brightest person as I said some downright stupid things that I wish I didn't say before returning here, although there were some good things, most of it were not really thoughtful of me, you can go back now on my profile and check it for yourself, returning as a different person overall, I just regret it and i feel like an idiot, i wanted to make a new account and start over but you all know how that goes, so basically i'm stuck here with this account, and although you can't change the past, you can always improve the future, that's what I'm gonna be striving for at the moment.

That's basically all the problems I have right now, i know it isn't a lot and and i know it's not really about depression, but like i said i wanted to address things that have been a problem with me, i'm not suicidal or anything like that and i think that my life right now it alright, It's just those main things that bother me personally and maybe can be helped upon.


Thank you for reading. -and thanks for coming to my TED talk

 

[Kink]

REDACTED

Riko​

Forgiving other people doesn’t mean you allow them to continue wronging you or you don’t acknowledge the wrong that they did, it means letting go of the poisonous anger that, as you clearly said, gave you major trust issues and mental health problems. Good luck to you

 

[Lotus]

TW: Suicide and stuff

I can't sleep, I hate myself, I want to end this, I want to end the pain, I want to kill myself but I know it won't fix the problem. Why do I have to struggle so much to fix it? What's so precious about life that I can't opt out of this painful existence? I'll never be happy. I'm completely worthless.

I'm sorry I need to get this off my chest. It's nearly 2am and my mind won't be quiet.

The feeling is terrible and I can't say I am in your shoes to dare say something out of the line, but know that we just want the pain to go away - we sometimes confuse it with the urge of wanting to end a life.

 

[Wildfiree]

TW: Suicide and stuff

I can't sleep, I hate myself, I want to end this, I want to end the pain, I want to kill myself but I know it won't fix the problem. Why do I have to struggle so much to fix it? What's so precious about life that I can't opt out of this painful existence? I'll never be happy. I'm completely worthless.

I'm sorry I need to get this off my chest. It's nearly 2am and my mind won't be quiet.

The greatest battle is always within oneself. I don’t your entire story, but I will tell you this. Don’t let all the pain and negativity fool you into ending your life. Just as we feel bad things happen “unexpectedly” things can turn around just as quickly as well..learned this first hand. I was just so clouded in negativity I never seen the good. Took so much time and mental battles to change it just like yourself. The fact that you came here instead of just keeping it bottled shows me you still have fight in you don’t let the negative half get the best of you. Words can do only so much but I wish you the best. Remember your just in the drought, keep pushing through to reach your harvest. We all question ourselves on this thing called “life” it’s a hell of a ride..that’s all I got for you my friend best of luck don’t give up.

 

[Rubyblood]

Hey, I thought that having a few performances here would have made me feel better but it's not the case, it's the support of people that really brings. I just want to give a message of encouragement to everyone who has posted here. If you are still alive and struggling with depression or other illnesses. You are strong people who deserve to be valued. Take care of yourself, accept the failures and enjoy the small successes. I promise you that this is the way to feel better about yourself and your life. DKM message particularly touched me, I had similar feelings to yours years ago. Don't give up, I know you've been struggling for a long time but the best will come later believe me, no matter what your past or what you've done before, you have to put that aside and move on. You will evolve every day during your life, learn from your mistakes, and become a better person and in time you will begin to accept, enjoy your own company. Surround yourself with people who mean well and always be honest with yourself, stay strong.

We all have the same fight in this world, it is to accept and love the person that we are.

 

[Wildfiree]

Sending positive energy your way everyone. Keep fighting back the negative thoughts in your mind. Remember you aren’t a burden to anyone. If you feel you need help don’t be afraid ask. Don’t stay silent let your voice be heard. Everyone has a purpose. :) great day everyone stay blessed.

 

[Katy]

About constant rejects, failures, and self doubts:

I don't know what I should type or how to explain it but my recent stage got from bad to worse. The constant rejects i suffer during my life, the bullying, the thoughts of not being valued, appreciated and worthy to any one just eats me up entirely inside.

I got bullied in school since the very first class because I wasn't like them, I didn't wear clothes from bands, as we've never had the money for such things, I never was as pretty & beautiful as the other girls are, and I was never that successful in classes -- except my last graduation in which I was good at -- it just went on for ages, like my time in childhood was based around having no friends, no one to talk to, but getting bullied.

I got constantly rejected, I was never good enough for anything, I am always considered not capable of doing stuff. I got rejected in jobs and job applications, even my first boyfriend I had - my first love of my life - cheated on me with another girl, a pretty girl, a beautiful one. Much more beautiful than I ever could be.

My second relationship als ended in a desaster, in a very bad way. Due to a situation - a very terrible one - we didn't talk about it, we didn't know how to handle it resulting into that we just broke up with a lot of pain, emotional pain. There was a happening which just cursed the rest of our relationship, and I am responsible for that, I failed here once again.

The failures in general eat me up, I cannot ever do anything right or correct. My passion which I have for IRL stuff and such died, as I am not good enough for anything. I quit a lot of hobbies which I had, photographing, and many more things, instead I fell into a hefty drug addiction.

Constant traumatizing experiences with the physical and emotional stuff caused also that I have a bad bad trauma in my brain, which leads to that I have to take 10 pills - 5 in the morning and the other 5 in the evening - to stay alive. When I don't take them its potentially life threatening and dangerous and without therapy (I have therapy right now) I would also be threatened. My brain capacity has decreased alot and my long-term memory is pretty much gone and even the shortterm memory oftentimes won't work.

triggering content

I started to self harm myself again today, since I didnt see any other options to relieve myself from all the emotional stress & pain. I just wanted to have the pain deep inside me gone, gone forever, but instead i just feel dead inside and empty, not capable of doing anything, I just don't wanna do anything anymore. Sometimes I even think about suicide, as I don't know if anything which I am doing will lead to a (good) result. I just don't feel worthful, valued, and appreciated, I mean how should I know when nobody comes up to you and says 1 positive word. Therefore I just dive deeper and deeper into the bad thoughts. I'd wish nobody else has to go through that, it hurts to see people which are young, have their entire life, so many opportunities, going through the same which I do.

Please everyone take good care of yourselves. Not that cheering today, as I'm crying the entire day and my mood isn't the best. Sorry about that I am really sorry, but please consider that you have always friends on this website. Please stay strong!

 

[ironwater]

About constant rejects, failures, and self doubts:

I don't know what I should type or how to explain it but my recent stage got from bad to worse. The constant rejects i suffer during my life, the bullying, the thoughts of not being valued, appreciated and worthy to any one just eats me up entirely inside.

I got bullied in school since the very first class because I wasn't like them, I didn't wear clothes from bands, as we've never had the money for such things, I never was as pretty & beautiful as the other girls are, and I was never that successful in classes -- except my last graduation in which I was good at -- it just went on for ages, like my time in childhood was based around having no friends, no one to talk to, but getting bullied.

I got constantly rejected, I was never good enough for anything, I am always considered not capable of doing stuff. I got rejected in jobs and job applications, even my first boyfriend I had - my first love of my life - cheated on me with another girl, a pretty girl, a beautiful one. Much more beautiful than I ever could be.

My second relationship als ended in a desaster, in a very bad way. Due to a situation - a very terrible one - we didn't talk about it, we didn't know how to handle it resulting into that we just broke up with a lot of pain, emotional pain. There was a happening which just cursed the rest of our relationship, and I am responsible for that, I failed here once again.

The failures in general eat me up, I cannot ever do anything right or correct. My passion which I have for IRL stuff and such died, as I am not good enough for anything. I quit a lot of hobbies which I had, photographing, and many more things, instead I fell into a hefty drug addiction.

Constant traumatizing experiences with the physical and emotional stuff caused also that I have a bad bad trauma in my brain, which leads to that I have to take 10 pills - 5 in the morning and the other 5 in the evening - to stay alive. When I don't take them its potentially life threatening and dangerous and without therapy (I have therapy right now) I would also be threatened. My brain capacity has decreased alot and my long-term memory is pretty much gone and even the shortterm memory oftentimes won't work.

triggering content

I started to self harm myself again today, since I didnt see any other options to relieve myself from all the emotional stress & pain. I just wanted to have the pain deep inside me gone, gone forever, but instead i just feel dead inside and empty, not capable of doing anything, I just don't wanna do anything anymore. Sometimes I even think about suicide, as I don't know if anything which I am doing will lead to a (good) result. I just don't feel worthful, valued, and appreciated, I mean how should I know when nobody comes up to you and says 1 positive word. Therefore I just dive deeper and deeper into the bad thoughts. I'd wish nobody else has to go through that, it hurts to see people which are young, have their entire life, so many opportunities, going through the same which I do.

Please everyone take good care of yourselves. Not that cheering today, as I'm crying the entire day and my mood isn't the best. Sorry about that I am really sorry, but please consider that you have always friends on this website. Please stay strong!

I usually don’t read much this thread to not get depressed myself, but I end up seeing your post and I read it. You are one of the nicest persons I met there on Smogon and one of those who make me like this community, so it makes me sad to read this. I really wish I could help you, but unfortunately, I can only send words and I know that it will never be enough to solve your problems. Anyway, if I can at least make your day a bit better I’ll be happy.

I know that life is not very kind with those who are different especially when you are a child, as other children will reject you and bully you without realizing how deep the consequences are. However, you shouldn’t blame yourself for this, being different than the majority and not the greatest at socializing doesn’t mean that you are a worthless person. Everyone has their only qualities and flaws and it’s ok to be bad for certain things. Now, I think you shouldn’t focus on things you struggle to do, but rather on stuff you do well, and I know there are some. People here like you and respect you for who you are and what you have done, and even if yeah Smogon is just a website and not the real life, this still shows that you are capable of great things as you’ve earned this respect from others.

You’ve talked about a lot of failures and yeah sometimes it’s hard to live with these failures, as it makes you feel you can’t do anything well, but it’s ok to fail and you also shouldn’t blame yourself for that, because sometimes it’s not completely your fault, even when you feel that it is. Now, I’m sure you also had great successes in your life, and you will have some. So, even if it’s hard to forget these failures don’t think only about this and try to mitigate them with all the things you’ve managed to do. It’s not easy to see them when you feel bad, but life is full of opportunity and I’m sure you will be able to do wonderful things.

Regarding your brain trauma, I know that I can’t help you even with the kindest words on earth, but just stay strong and I’m sure you’ll be able to overcome this, I really hope you will.

Harming yourself may help you to feel better for a moment, but it’s probably something you will regret. Crying is ok and it often helps to feel better. Now, don’t think about suicide, because I’m sure that there’s still a lot of persons who love you and need you irl, and trust me you will feel bad sometimes, but you will also live wonderful moments, as life always have things to offer. You are still young Katy and I’m sure you will have plenty of opportunities in your life.

I didn’t plan to write that much, but I hope some of my words will help you feel better, it’s ok to feel depressed sometimes and to only think about bad things, it happens to a lot of us, and you don’t have to be sorry for this. Stay strong Katy, you will overcome this.

I’ve only answered to one person here, and I know a lot of persons are suffering and feeling disappointed by their own life. I just want you to know that every single person here is a wonderful person capable of the greatest things and yeah sometimes life sucks, but you shouldn’t stay focused on these bad moments, as the sun will shine for you eventually. I really liked Rubyblood last sentence on their post, and I wish you all to manage to accept and love the person that you are.

 

[Max. Optimizer]

I got bullied in school since the very first class because I wasn't like them, I didn't wear clothes from bands, as we've never had the money for such things, I never was as pretty & beautiful as the other girls are, and I was never that successful in classes -- except my last graduation in which I was good at -- it just went on for ages, like my time in childhood was based around having no friends, no one to talk to, but getting bullied.

Honestly, this says more about these people than it says about you.
This hits way closer to home than I'm willing to admit.
It's not your fault that you ended up surrounded by awful people.

I got constantly rejected, I was never good enough for anything, I am always considered not capable of doing stuff. I got rejected in jobs and job applications, even my first boyfriend I had - my first love of my life - cheated on me with another girl, a pretty girl, a beautiful one. Much more beautiful than I ever could be.

This case is similar to the one mentioned above.
If he's not faithful, then he's just a bad person, unworthy of your feelings, time, and efforts.
It's not your fault that he's that way. You're better off without him, as he would've gradually made you feel even worse in the long run.
You didn't do anything wrong. Au contraire, cutting his toxic posterior out of your life was the right choice to make in this situation.
All the more power to you.

My second relationship als ended in a desaster, in a very bad way. Due to a situation - a very terrible one - we didn't talk about it, we didn't know how to handle it resulting into that we just broke up with a lot of pain, emotional pain. There was a happening which just cursed the rest of our relationship, and I am responsible for that, I failed here once again.

Maintaining a relationship is a mentally taxing task. Being in a relationship means finding a healthy middle ground where the needs and expectations of both partners meet. Since a relationship can be a fickle matter that requires a lot of patience and communication, it can also become a ground for miscommunication and tension, even though the partners don't mean too. It's only human to make mistakes. We say things in the heat of the moment or do things and we regret them immediately afterwards. As long as you learn from your mistakes to help you avoid them from happening again in the future, it does not determine your value as a person. The fact that you can acknowledge your mistake clearly shows that, deep down, you're actually a strong person that knows the right thing to do. It's a display of genuine character. "Einsicht ist der erste Weg zur Besserung", as they say in your mother tongue.

Maybe you're currently just not ready yet. I, personally, believe that you should take your time to focus on finding ways of loving yourself first and, once the time is right, then the right people will love you for who you are as well. It's not unsusual for the first couple of relationships to fail and you're also still young. Sometimes you meet people when you least except them. "Wer wartet mit Besonnenheit, der wird belohnt zur rechten Zeit."

The failures in general eat me up, I cannot ever do anything right or correct. My passion which I have for IRL stuff and such died, as I am not good enough for anything. I quit a lot of hobbies which I had, photographing, and many more things, instead I fell into a hefty drug addiction.

Art is a powerful emotional outlet. You should definitely pick up your hobbies again in the future, in conjunction with the therapy that you mentioned down below. Art can help you express yourself whenever words alone are insufficient. It's definitely a healthier coping strategy.
Why not share your artistic endeavors in the Smeargle Studio and potentially on an own blog? Maybe you can meet other hobby photographers and exchance techniques? I used to participate in art therapy, actually. Unlike the case of school classes in which you are thrown into a random group of people you are forced to coexist with, groups like this allow you to actually seek out people that share similar interests with you. Usually, these groups give a sense of belonging that I think would do you some good. Why not give it a try?

Please everyone take good care of yourselves. Not that cheering today, as I'm crying the entire day and my mood isn't the best. Sorry about that I am really sorry, but please consider that you have always friends on this website. Please stay strong!

"Please everyone take good care of yourselves." The "everyone" here includes you as well.
In that sense: "please consider that you have always friends on this website. Please stay strong!"
At the end of the day, you can create your own self-worth by being a good person to others.
So, basically, keep doing what you're already doing.

"I am more concerned about being a good person than the best player in the world. I hope that when I retire, people remember me as a good guy."

- Lionel Messi

 

[Wildfiree]

About constant rejects, failures, and self doubts:

I don't know what I should type or how to explain it but my recent stage got from bad to worse. The constant rejects i suffer during my life, the bullying, the thoughts of not being valued, appreciated and worthy to any one just eats me up entirely inside.

I got bullied in school since the very first class because I wasn't like them, I didn't wear clothes from bands, as we've never had the money for such things, I never was as pretty & beautiful as the other girls are, and I was never that successful in classes -- except my last graduation in which I was good at -- it just went on for ages, like my time in childhood was based around having no friends, no one to talk to, but getting bullied.

I got constantly rejected, I was never good enough for anything, I am always considered not capable of doing stuff. I got rejected in jobs and job applications, even my first boyfriend I had - my first love of my life - cheated on me with another girl, a pretty girl, a beautiful one. Much more beautiful than I ever could be.

My second relationship als ended in a desaster, in a very bad way. Due to a situation - a very terrible one - we didn't talk about it, we didn't know how to handle it resulting into that we just broke up with a lot of pain, emotional pain. There was a happening which just cursed the rest of our relationship, and I am responsible for that, I failed here once again.

The failures in general eat me up, I cannot ever do anything right or correct. My passion which I have for IRL stuff and such died, as I am not good enough for anything. I quit a lot of hobbies which I had, photographing, and many more things, instead I fell into a hefty drug addiction.

Constant traumatizing experiences with the physical and emotional stuff caused also that I have a bad bad trauma in my brain, which leads to that I have to take 10 pills - 5 in the morning and the other 5 in the evening - to stay alive. When I don't take them its potentially life threatening and dangerous and without therapy (I have therapy right now) I would also be threatened. My brain capacity has decreased alot and my long-term memory is pretty much gone and even the shortterm memory oftentimes won't work.

triggering content

I started to self harm myself again today, since I didnt see any other options to relieve myself from all the emotional stress & pain. I just wanted to have the pain deep inside me gone, gone forever, but instead i just feel dead inside and empty, not capable of doing anything, I just don't wanna do anything anymore. Sometimes I even think about suicide, as I don't know if anything which I am doing will lead to a (good) result. I just don't feel worthful, valued, and appreciated, I mean how should I know when nobody comes up to you and says 1 positive word. Therefore I just dive deeper and deeper into the bad thoughts. I'd wish nobody else has to go through that, it hurts to see people which are young, have their entire life, so many opportunities, going through the same which I do.

Please everyone take good care of yourselves. Not that cheering today, as I'm crying the entire day and my mood isn't the best. Sorry about that I am really sorry, but please consider that you have always friends on this website. Please stay strong!

This hit home ..I can relate to almost all of this. When I told friends my story they thought how someone so goofy and happy on the outside be so down on the inside? I told them you never really know someone’s story just from the outside. Truth is the some of the “kind” people are the ones that hurt the most. We try to be the nicest we can because we don’t want anyone to feel worthless, we want people to see the fun and value of life. Katy I’m sorry to hear please don’t hurt yourself. You are one of the best friends I have on ps. Stay strong and I know you will because you are a goat and you will overcome this obstacle.

“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that. - Robin Williams

 

[Katy]

I usually don’t read much this thread to not get depressed myself, but I end up seeing your post and I read it. You are one of the nicest persons I met there on Smogon and one of those who make me like this community, so it makes me sad to read this. I really wish I could help you, but unfortunately, I can only send words and I know that it will never be enough to solve your problems. Anyway, if I can at least make your day a bit better I’ll be happy.

I know that life is not very kind with those who are different especially when you are a child, as other children will reject you and bully you without realizing how deep the consequences are. However, you shouldn’t blame yourself for this, being different than the majority and not the greatest at socializing doesn’t mean that you are a worthless person. Everyone has their only qualities and flaws and it’s ok to be bad for certain things. Now, I think you shouldn’t focus on things you struggle to do, but rather on stuff you do well, and I know there are some. People here like you and respect you for who you are and what you have done, and even if yeah Smogon is just a website and not the real life, this still shows that you are capable of great things as you’ve earned this respect from others.

You’ve talked about a lot of failures and yeah sometimes it’s hard to live with these failures, as it makes you feel you can’t do anything well, but it’s ok to fail and you also shouldn’t blame yourself for that, because sometimes it’s not completely your fault, even when you feel that it is. Now, I’m sure you also had great successes in your life, and you will have some. So, even if it’s hard to forget these failures don’t think only about this and try to mitigate them with all the things you’ve managed to do. It’s not easy to see them when you feel bad, but life is full of opportunity and I’m sure you will be able to do wonderful things.

Regarding your brain trauma, I know that I can’t help you even with the kindest words on earth, but just stay strong and I’m sure you’ll be able to overcome this, I really hope you will.

Harming yourself may help you to feel better for a moment, but it’s probably something you will regret. Crying is ok and it often helps to feel better. Now, don’t think about suicide, because I’m sure that there’s still a lot of persons who love you and need you irl, and trust me you will feel bad sometimes, but you will also live wonderful moments, as life always have things to offer. You are still young Katy and I’m sure you will have plenty of opportunities in your life.

I didn’t plan to write that much, but I hope some of my words will help you feel better, it’s ok to feel depressed sometimes and to only think about bad things, it happens to a lot of us, and you don’t have to be sorry for this. Stay strong Katy, you will overcome this.

I’ve only answered to one person here, and I know a lot of persons are suffering and feeling disappointed by their own life. I just want you to know that every single person here is a wonderful person capable of the greatest things and yeah sometimes life sucks, but you shouldn’t stay focused on these bad moments, as the sun will shine for you eventually. I really liked Rubyblood last sentence on their post, and I wish you all to manage to accept and love the person that you are.

Honestly, this says more about these people than it says about you.
This hits way closer to home than I'm willing to admit.
It's not your fault that you ended up surrounded by awful people.


This case is similar to the one mentioned above.
If he's not faithful, then he's just a bad person, unworthy of your feelings, time, and efforts.
It's not your fault that he's that way. You're better off without him, as he would've gradually made you feel even worse in the long run.
You didn't do anything wrong. Au contraire, cutting his toxic posterior out of your life was the right choice to make in this situation.
All the more power to you.


Maintaining a relationship is a mentally taxing task. Being in a relationship means finding a healthy middle ground where the needs and expectations of both partners meet. Since a relationship can be a fickle matter that requires a lot of patience and communication, it can also become a ground for miscommunication and tension, even though the partners don't mean too. It's only human to make mistakes. We say things in the heat of the moment or do things and we regret them immediately afterwards. As long as you learn from your mistakes to help you avoid them from happening again in the future, it does not determine your value as a person. The fact that you can acknowledge your mistake clearly shows that, deep down, you're actually a strong person that knows the right thing to do. It's a display of genuine character. "Einsicht ist der erste Weg zur Besserung", as they say in your mother tongue.

Maybe you're currently just not ready yet. I, personally, believe that you should take your time to focus on finding ways of loving yourself first and, once the time is right, then the right people will love you for who you are as well. It's not unsusual for the first couple of relationships to fail and you're also still young. Sometimes you meet people when you least except them. "Wer wartet mit Besonnenheit, der wird belohnt zur rechten Zeit."


Art is a powerful emotional outlet. You should definitely pick up your hobbies again in the future, in conjunction with the therapy that you mentioned down below. Art can help you express yourself whenever words alone are insufficient. It's definitely a healthier coping strategy.
Why not share your artistic endeavors in the Smeargle Studio and potentially on an own blog? Maybe you can meet other hobby photographers and exchance techniques? I used to participate in art therapy, actually. Unlike the case of school classes in which you are thrown into a random group of people you are forced to coexist with, groups like this allow you to actually seek out people that share similar interests with you. Usually, these groups give a sense of belonging that I think would do you some good. Why not give it a try?


"Please everyone take good care of yourselves." The "everyone" here includes you as well.
In that sense: "please consider that you have always friends on this website. Please stay strong!"
At the end of the day, you can create your own self-worth by being a good person to others.
So, basically, keep doing what you're already doing.

"I am more concerned about being a good person than the best player in the world. I hope that when I retire, people remember me as a good guy."

- Lionel Messi

This hit home ..I can relate to almost all of this. When I told friends my story they thought how someone so goofy and happy on the outside be so down on the inside? I told them you never really know someone’s story just from the outside. Truth is the some of the “kind” people are the ones that hurt the most. We try to be the nicest we can because we don’t want anyone to feel worthless, we want people to see the fun and value of life. Katy I’m sorry to hear please don’t hurt yourself. You are one of the best friends I have on ps. Stay strong and I know you will because you are a goat and you will overcome this obstacle.

“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that. - Robin Williams

Thank you guys for all the amazing words. I just hope everyone can be happy one day, I just want everyone to be happy with themselves and their achievments. I hope we can encourage each other. Everyone here deserves happieness in their life, you guys, everyone who reads this and like I hope we can achieve happieness all over the world.

I dont want that anyone feels excluded here, so I want to properly reach out to anyone else here in this thread or outside this thread (because I know posting such things can be tough and not everyone posts whats on their mind) feels worthless, but everyone is appreciated, welcomed, I welcome everyone with open arms into this community, and I hope we can stick together instead of bashing each other to the ground. Let's try to focus on a better world and make it easier for each other, Life is already tough enough with so many problems in this world, where covid is only a part of it, there is so much more going on in each parts of the world. Please try to be supportive to everyone who struggles and even a smile can make someone elses day brighter, I know smiling is tough when we have to wear masks but the gesture and the will is what counts and the person will feel that!

Lets try and focus on bettering the world, lets be true to ourselves and lets be kind hearted to others. because that is the best we can do! lets cheer each other up instead of tearing each other down! Everyone here in my eyes has such a high value and brings different talents and postive values on a table. I just hope everyone here realizes how kind-hearted they are, I appreciate every one in here.

 

[Catalisador]

i'm just a little sad cause i miss my cat and i wish she'd come back to me. i don't think i've ever believed in god or reincarnation or anything like that but please i just want her back i need her with me again i just feel so empty i'll believe in anything just let me hug her again