Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

[Pak]

I honestly don't even know where to start, but here we go. I've been depressed off and on since roughly my junior year of high school. It's been especially apparent recently and I've been feeling myself start to spiral again, so I guess I just felt compelled to formally get down my thoughts somewhere to know what I need to do to get back into one of those elusive positive swings again.

I've always been a really quiet kid and a lot of it has been due to accumulated social anxiety. Growing up, I always had my tight knit group of friends through elementary school and middle school, at least on a social level. We'd hang out and do whatever, mostly just fucking around and having a good time. The thing is though that while they all evolved into the people they eventually did, I just grew further and further away from all of them as we moved into a huge ass high school. Despite being 'well-liked' a lot of those early years, I always had this deep-rooted fear of getting bullied. I mean, it makes sense given all the horror stories and shit, and I'm not trying to belittle anyone who's been through those kinds of awful situations, and that's exactly the kind of stuff I was hoping to avoid. From age 15ish on, I just had this natural fear of not being accepted in whatever capacity, so therefore I would never feel good enough for those around me. I'd be on the same 'level' or whatever as whoever I'd talk to in that time frame, but I progressively just got worse and worse when it came to social anxiety and simply being comfortable in my own skin. Now, I always had my group of friends and all that, but it was really just people I'd play sports with or talk to in the halls or whatever. I was all but closed off emotionally, due in large part to just wanting to be universally accepted and liked, which of course isn't 100% realistic.

I could make this part like 500 paragraphs and have to a decent amount of people on this site, but I ended up going away to a college where I didn't know anyone beforehand. It was a smallish private school (which naturally was not cheap by any means), and in my head, it was the perfect setting to 're-invent' myself, and be that kind of person I always hoped to be in high school. Very very very long-story short, it didn't happen. In fact, it would've been really flipping hard for it to have gone any worse. As many dingus 18-year-olds do, I was wayyyy off when it came to picking my initial major, and jesus christ I nuked almost all those classes out the gate. Luckily, I did have a solid cushion from gen ed dual credit classes from high school, but between my shitty grades and eventually switching majors down the line anyway, it essentially boiled down to a lost year academically. So, based on that, you could objectively say I threw money on a fire for a year, but it was college, at least I had fun right?

Simply put, no. That aforementioned social anxiety just kept compounding on itself, especially with the constant feeling of the academic failures looming over my head. Like I said, I could go on and on about this whole year, but I'll try to keep it shortish. My first roommate was international, and he naturally got pretty close to the other international kids, and I was kind of the odd man out in those circles despite my initial efforts. He ended up moving out, and after living on my own for a bit in the dorm, I was assigned a new roommate. We actually hit it off pretty well and I consider him to be a pretty good friend to this day. The thing was though, that despite our common interests and social chemistry, I always had that looming feeling that I'd be stepping over some kind of boundary or whatever whenever he asked me if I wanted to do something with him and his close circle of friends. The thing was that I actually got along well with all of them, but that feeling just wouldn't leave me. Blah blah, I kept turning down offers to hang out and he eventually stopped asking me because he just expected 'no's after a certain point. It remains one of my biggest regrets to this day, because by the time I knew I wouldn't be coming back to that school 100%, I really just started to give less of a shit and ended up having some good times with all of them.

The thing was, it took a lot to get to that point. I had never ever ever felt more alone, and this is coming from someone who'd never had a 'close' friend and never really realized it. Like I said, I had been all but closed off emotionally, and didn't see anything all too off about it. It took a lot of miscellaneous crying random nights to come to the conclusion that I wasn't right mentally. I sought out therapy through the school, which was ultimately kind of fruitless to be completely honest, but exploring my own mental issues at the time was a positive in of itself. Speaking of, a big part of this recognition was ironically my roommate's girlfriend. She was legitimately the first person I opened up to and grew an attachment towards, a feeling I had unknowingly desired after all this time. Naturally, feelings started to develop, but out of respect for my roommate and her, who were by far my best friends on that campus, I kept my feelings in check and simply tried to enjoy the academically-meaningless time I still had left that second semester. On top of that, there was always this feeling that she had developed some sort of attachment to me, which I tried to ignore, but many of my friends that I talked to about it were pretty keen on her showing some signals. Again, I tried to ignore them and moved on.

I've talked about this a lot more in depth with some people on here, but I don't want to include all too many details. Long-story short again, I was pretty drunk one night late in that following summer, and she snapped me. She essentially led me on, purely to find out if I had feelings for her, and it really really hurt me emotionally considering she was the first person I had ever really confided with on that kind of level. I blocked her and tried to forget about what I considered to be a 'rock-bottom' of a year for me. I transferred to the college in my home town, moving in with my parents again, and basically went through the motions, still reeling from that interaction over the summer. I legitimately hated my life.

Fast forward to the following fall, where I was still not 100% alright emotionally because of what had happened, and I had a very forgettable year which happened to be fine academically. After a super tough summer of working roughly 65 hours a week between landscaping and dishwashing, it my freshman year of college started to weigh heavily on me again. I made the decision to reach out to my old roommate's girlfriend. I just wanted to get everything off my chest, about why and how what she did hurt me. The thing was though that she was the only person there for me when I needed it more than ever, and I told her because of that, she could always talk to me if she needed anything. I'm not going to go into detail of what she said, but she had long been through depressive stages herself and that year hiatus of not talking to her saw her in some deep depths of it. Ultimately, it felt like a huge huge huge weight off my shoulders, and that I could finally accept all that happened my freshman year, whether it was the 90% bad or the 10% good. All that suffering brought about an important lesson. The hard times are shitty of course, but you can't just put your tail between your legs and try to forget about it. It's especially crucial to take whatever negative experience and try to make something positive of it.

Here we get to the last year or so, which up until coronavirus happened, was one of the better times of my life. For what seemed like the first time, I was happy with who I was, and at my new job, which constantly forced me to interact with new people on a daily basis, I ended up meeting some really good friends. As one could expect, coronavirus did kind of derail all my progress to that point and I found myself in that same type of isolation as I'd grown accustomed to for years. A big thing though was that I really wasn't expecting to stay with this grocery job for so long, hoping to get an internship or something over the summer, but those hopes were completely thrown to the wayside.

----

Alright so here we are today. It seems like there's always some kind of tipping point for this stuff, and for me, it was Sunday the 4th, when I found out that one of my old high school friends, as well as another really good family friend, had both passed away over the weekend. This high school friend wasn't someone I was particularly close with, but he was another one of my friends that I was constantly talking and laughing with. The key connection here was that he was one of the first people I ever worked out with around age 15 or so. If you know me in any capacity, you're probably familiar with just how important fitness and lifting has become for me over the years. It was especially apparent that god-awful freshman year, where it was my only outlet to do something productive and get away from the day-to-day pressures for some period of time. I spent what was basically late Sunday to Wednesday just crying and crying. Every time I would go to work out, it would be impossible not to think of the amazing times we had together. Back then, as a very skinny kid, it was one of my life goals to bench 135 lbs, as limited a goal as it may sound. I must've failed it 10 different times with him spotting me, a smile on his face every time. Needless to say, I've come a long long way since then, but those are the types of memories that really stick out given my passion for the activity. He was just such a positive influence on everyone around him and it was completely devastating to find out that he had overdosed.

Like I mentioned, it served as some kind of tipping point for me. For months and months, I had felt that something resembling that same gradual downward spiral which crept up that hell-spawned freshman year of college, and it all came to a head as of late. I'm not afraid to say that over the last couple weeks or so I had been drinking out of nothing but pure angst or sadness. I don't believe I'm anywhere near the level of depression I felt back then, but it's honestly my worst fear to fall into that same feeling of uselessness and eternal depression. I don't want to fall into that same cycle where my only fulfillment is hitting x arbitrary number in whatever lifting exercise. Where all this ties in with those 19 context paragraphs is that the worse my depression/anxieties start to creep, is the worse my social anxiety is. This is especially apparent given that I'm supposed to graduate college roughly a year from now, and I don't have any experience in the field. Also, moving out hasn't been made any easier with the current climate of things.

Idk who the fuck would read all this, but it was important for me to get it down somewhere to reference in the future. The thing is, it's so so so so much easier to get down on yourself and be sad than it is to go the other direction. I don't know what it is, but it's just something I've noticed over the years. Like I've said to this point, there are people I've told all of this shit to some extent, and shockingly, most of them are friends from this website. I'm not scared or embarrassed or whatever else to say that my closest friends on an emotional level come from here. I can't thank them enough for their time and willingness to give me guidance or simply an ear to bitch into, but at the same time, I'm tired of doing so. I hope this marks a point where I can legitimately pivot and shift things back into the right direction, and for Logan's sake, I swear I will.

If anyone on here needs someone to talk to, I know what this type of worthlessness feels like, at least to some extent, and I can't stress enough how helpful it is to practice introspection and simply talk about all your bullshit from time to time. For those purposes, my discord is pak#1187, don't hesitate to reach out if need be.

Alright we're back. So as I said in this other post like 6 months ago, the biggest issue for me was always just not liking who I was, whether it was how I acted socially, my voice, being too skinny/unathletic in the old days, etc. etc. For whatever reason, I just couldn't allow myself to be happy or satisfied with who I was. I knew for years and years and years that quite literally no one actually cared about all this stuff even close to how much I did, but idk man it just happens. Couple that with the fact that my school work ethic has never been anything spectacular despite doing really well on all this standardized test bs that would indicate my grades should be really good too, and it always felt like I wasn't living up to my potential, socially or academically. I mean in any setting, it's hard not to look at some of the people around you, and most of the time you only see their Ws and not their own shit they're going through and simply feel insignificant or like a failure as a result. This is the kind of stuff that endlessly haunted me for a solid 21.5 years.

But here we are today. At the end of my last post, I mentioned meeting a good group of friends at my job. Well, in the last few months with coronavirus starting to cool off a bit, I have been much more active socially, especially with them. Ever since basically new years day on the dot, following a horrendous hangover, I've, for the most part, just been happy. With these people, despite the fact that there have been 500 different hiccups along the way, I truly feel like I can be myself and not worry about all this bullshit that's held me back in the past. It's been such a big contrast, as for so long, I would try to avoid any social situation purely so I wouldn't have an opportunity to fuck it up, or turn down going to a party because I wasn't sure if I'd fit in well enough or whatever else. Things along those lines.

I don't want this to sound too cringe or preachy, but these last 3.5 months have made me realize some stuff that I just wanted to share here to help even 1 person who may have dealt with similar issues in the past, and as far as I know, it isn't all that unique. I've thought about this a lot, and the conclusion I kinda reached is that it's not like I'm getting validation directly from this group of friends, but they allowed me to see that if I simply gave myself a chance all these years, maybe things could've gone much differently. It's so easy to confine ourselves to these distinct comfort zones because shit is fucking scary. I mean, it is, no way around it, but it's no excuse to deny yourself whatever it is that you truly want if it's in reasonable reach. It isn't going to be an overnight thing obviously and it's much easier said than done. But again it goes back to what I mentioned 6 months ago about getting down on yourself when shit goes sideways. It's so much easier just to let all these negative thoughts and feelings snowball, but in the end that isn't going to solve anything. If there's an issue, then try to take some sort of step in the right direction day by day, week by week, whatever. It's the only way to change things for the better. Again, I can't stress enough that I have the utmost respect for everyone here, especially those who have gone through situations undoubtedly much much worse than mine, so hopefully this didn't come off as 5000 cliches, just some stuff I wanted to share that's helped me personally. All I can say is, for the first time in probably 6 years or so, I can wake up, look in the mirror, and be content with who I am and all the struggles along the way were entirely worth it. I'll inevitably have some rough patches again and I'm still not perfect by any means. Still, get some positive momentum going, and I swear it'll compound on itself and leak into other aspects of life. Please just give yourself a chance.

dumb pokemon sidenote/rant

There aren't a ton of people I've talked about this with, considering I don't have a ton of serious convos on here besides with my really close friends. Basically, and I know already I'm not close to alone on this, my relationship with this game was so bad for so long. As some of you may know, I've been getting back into playing again after taking a step back over the last year-year and a half or so. Before that hiatus, I had a number of issues that constantly irked me about this objectively dog shit game I was pretty addicted to. The first one was my utter lack of confidence. I had a good amount of tour success, whether it was in the UU community or officials from like 2017-2019, but the only fun I really ever had was in two departments: talking with friends and building. When it came to the games, especially on the official level, I'd be a nervous wreck at all times, constantly pushing into my head that I wasn't good enough or that I was a fraud or whatever else. This is such a subjective game in the battles themselves, you can honestly convince yourself of any narrative you want, for better or worse. For every loss, it'd be the end of the world. I'd be irrationally mad / sad / whatever for days at a time or more. For any win, the satisfaction I got was probably 20% as good as the feeling of any loss was bad. Shit, even in the wins, any singular misplay would like burn itself into my head and ultimately ruin any enjoyment there was to be had. I mean, in a way this aspect was good in helping me to try to constantly improve, but at what cost?

The other big one that jumps out was using this game as some sort of medium for validation. I had no confidence in this game or in real life for essentially that entire run, so admittedly, some degree self worth was associated with winning a given variance-based Pokemon best of 1. That is fucking stupid. I mean, it's going to happen here and there since we're all competitive and all that, but you should never feel exceedingly worse about yourself because you double switched on the wrong turn or because some dude on the internet you'll never meet doesn't think you're good enough. Who fucking cares. This game is a hobby. Maybe .0001% of us can make a living off of it, so use it for what it's actually intended for: an avenue for fun, whether it's the game itself or the amazing people you meet. It is so impossibly easy to forget that with this dog shit game, and for the first time, I feel like I have actually enjoyed it. It's no coincidence that in this same 3.5 month stretch or so, I've simply been more confident with this game too and not been beating myself up over tiny little mistakes or losses that will inevitably happen from time to time. There's nothing wrong with going back and finding ways to improve of course, but it shouldn't consumer your entire experience. We come on here for enjoyment above all else, and I just wanted to tack this on here to give another reminder.

much longer than i thought

Alright so probably the last follow up on all this. The long story short is that a lot of what I said in my last post has held up. The last twelve months or so has been full of a lot of ups and downs for me, but ultimately, it has been the best year of my life and it hasn't been close. As you could probably tell from the first fucking novel I wrote in this thread, it wasn't all that expected. A big reason is just that there was so much uncertainty going on. I didn't like who I was. I still felt like a lost kid. I didn't know how school would wrap up (especially with the additional pressure I put on myself after throwing money on a fire to hate my life my freshman year). I didn't know if I could make it in the real world when the time comes. Really it just felt like I had all these Super Important things that seemed so far off into the distance not that long ago, but deep down I knew they were right around the corner and I'd have to answer them eventually.

The funny thing to me with all this is that despite the more tangible things here coming to a head with me very recently graduating college, I've never felt better about my situation. Sure, I still worried way more about all this stuff than I should have, but this has been a year of tremendous growth for me. I've only gotten more and more comfortable in my skin, and it's allowed a lot of things I never would have expected previously to fall into place. The main thing is simply coming to terms with what went wrong in the past. I've reflected on things like what I mentioned in my first post a million times by now, but I feel like I never appreciated those admittedly terrible experiences for what they did. It was the worst portion of my largely-uneventful life to that point by a wide margin, but it made it all the more clear what I needed to do to get a more worthwhile life going for myself. It would be so easy before to look back on whatever happened and be like "why did I say that" or "why would I ever do xyz", cringing about it and wondering why I couldn't seem to fit in or whatever. I would feel worse about myself as a person, which was only natural I guess with basically no confidence at all. These negative thoughts would just snowball and I'd end up even more anxious, whether it was socially or feeling like I wasn't good enough in whatever setting.

That freshman year I dealt with, where I basically failed all my classes, felt like a total outcast, and wasted a shit load of money at a private school was legitimately traumatic. Trying to block it out did nothing but leave me with a lot of emotional baggage for a couple years as I became more and more accustomed to processing those kinds of feelings and what they meant. Once I had truly accepted what had happened for what it was, then it was mostly uphill from there. I realized that despite it not being the easiest thing for me historically and that it would be much easier to avoid entirely, I do need social interaction to be happy. To no surprise, despite all this scary stuff creeping up on me with having to be an adult soon and all that, I have only gotten happier with the more socially active I've become. My confidence has only grown, allowing me to like myself again and it has bled into basically all areas of my life. Additionally, a big issue for me was that I had way too much time and as a result would have nothing productive to do on a regular basis. Again, it's no coincidence that this year has been my busiest by a lot, yet the most fulfilling. Those are pretty broad examples and it is much easier said than done to fix in most cases, but I credit dealing with those issues alone for a lot of my own happiness as time has gone along.

With all this said, it's not like I've been living in some perfect fantasy land. As mentioned, above there have been some down moments along the way as well. Life is hard, and I'm an overthinker by nature. A lot of it tied back to that aforementioned uncertainty about what the future would hold. It would be especially apparent when I'd be doing some brain dead task at my current job in a grocery store, where I'd constantly feel like I was wasting my life doing something any random high schooler could despite being 22 years old. I'd get in my own head over and over, feeling like I was just wasting time and potential, while I could be off doing something more meaningful with respect to the future as opposed to getting some half decent money to help pay off school. Another thing was that I felt like me and my stepdad had more and more tension between us. I assumed he just wanted me to move out, which in my mind was understandable. It wasn't until my mom told me they were getting a divorce a couple months ago that I pieced together that there were bigger issues going on. Ultimately, despite me and him not getting along that well, it just makes me sad to see my mom go through this whole process again after all the good she's done for me and the world around us as a whole. I've felt and still do feel like I need to do more to help her in this time of need especially.

While I do intend to leave this job as soon as possible with my recent graduation, eventually I just had something click. It really wasn't that long ago that I was scared to function as a regular person, let alone be a successful and independent person in the future. It felt genuinely good that I wasn't happy with things how they were/are. For the first time it felt like I had real ambition and that I was capable of much more than my actions had been letting on. In a sense, all these things that I was worried about along with this newfound confidence came together to feel better about my position than ever. I was more active socially than ever, getting better grades than ever, making more money than ever, doing better lifting than ever, even being more satisfied with my fucking Pokemon performances than ever. It all just kinda built on itself to outweigh some of these continually recurring concerns in the back of my mind, whether it was not working good enough of a job, still living at home, graduating college a bit later than I should have, etc. These kinds of things would've previously destroyed me mentally, so more than anything I'm just happy with this recent progress. I'm still not perfect and never will be, but realizing flaws where they are and making some effort to improve on them has made a world of difference.

I'm genuinely optimistic for what the future holds. If you told me this is how things would have progressed just 2-3 years ago, I would've thought it was impossible. Instead of freaking out over what's going to happen, I'm actually confident I can make the most of it with whatever does end up happening. Perhaps the biggest takeaway in my mind is just that I don't feel like I have major regrets anymore. Things happened for a reason and I would not have reached the far superior state of mental health I have today without those past experiences, no matter how shitty things were in the moment. Ultimately, that's what I wanted to share here along with getting some of these other thoughts down formally. Hopefully this didn't come off as too much of a look at me blah blah type of post, but it's been such a huge adjustment from the timeframe of that first post in here compared to now, where I am actually excited for the future.

edit: got a job in my field shortly after posting this, very excited

 

[Wildfiree]

It’s the new years but I’m spending it quarantined away from my family and my girlfriend (wonderful way to end whst been a shitty year). I’m already pretty fucked up mentally. I’m not even that excited for the upcoming year honestly. It’s hard to stay positive when only bad shit happen. I’m just so drained wondering when I’ll get out this dark tunnel filled with pain and negativity. This year started off so good but then took a turn for the worst. First horrible thing that happened was me tearing my Achilles’ tendon having me miss time and setting me back financially and putting my future plans on hold. Meanwhile while dealing with this injury having to put up with my moms mood disorder (thank God she is getting the good medication now). Recently losing someone that was dear to me part of my life since I was a child. Now I’m ending my year like this when I need family the most. Lol I really can’t catch a fucking break bruh. Anyways thanks for listening.

 

[Fishy]

happy new year everyone!!!!!!!

while this is the Depression thread, let us remember that we need not only post in here when we're feeling glum, though this is the safe space to do it!!! keep it up!

depression is complex, it feels much harder to "motivate" ourselves because our brains are out of sync with regular cycles that a "normal" brain functions within without thinking about.

so, here are some friendly reminders to jumpstart your brain, and therefore you into a slightly better mood when the chemical warfare seems like it's a bit overwhelming:

• drink a glass of water!!!! i mean a literal glass. 8 ozs baby. i promise that unless you have rabies (and you'd know!!!) your mouth and throat and esophagus and stomach and blood and brain will thank you. our bodies are 70%+ water, and i truly think that if everyone hydrated the way we're supposed to (8 glasses a day, or take your body weight in lbs and divide that in half = # of ozs to drink. so if you weigh 150lbs you should drink ~75 ozs of water a day. i know right???) we'd all be MUCH happier campers

• sunlight. sunlight sunlight sunlight. are you feeling down? guess what, you need to engage in some Plant Time. root up dude. sunlight helps with circadian rhythms, which does a lot of things, but a big one is it helps us sleep. i know how often we might rely on sleep to shut down stimulation, but having a routine of sleep is critical for bodily health. we don't even fully understand how sleep works, but our bodies spend a lot of time fixing all the trials of the previous day when we rest!!!

but uh being in the sun feels good!!! so long as the light is bright and clear, some warmth will reach you. it's winter time, so bundle up and just make a Warmth Nest on your face from the falling rays of sunshine. sunflowers shift to follow the sun, so go be a sunflower!!!

uhhh i think i'll leave it at that for now!!! this is the Plant method. drink more water and get more sunlight if you feel gloomy!!! i promise it will help at least 2% Σ੧(❛□❛✿)

 

[Chadlad50]

I feel surprisingly close to fighting off this bout of intrusive thoughts. Not fully gone yet, but I feel better recently

 

[Chadlad50]

I feel surprisingly close to fighting off this bout of intrusive thoughts. Not fully gone yet, but I feel better recently

It did not last

 

[Fishy]

It did not last

what are these thoughts trying to convince you of this time?

 

[King Feraligatr]

I find myself a social pariah that most dislike. Aggravates me.

Anyways, perhaps I should share that thing that's been bothering me for ages here? I'm going to ask that if you're going to respond to it, you talk about it in hidden tags for right now. It's kind of private.

The "thing"

Yeah, an extra "hide" to show that I'm not very comfortable sharing this that much.

For over 6 years (or more), my mind has been bothering me about something I have struggled to keep at bay/kill. I've kind of given up on that as it's something so primal it's basically impossible to kill. I've accepted it more, but still find it hard to deal with. It's not something bad, as you'll see soon, but man is it oh so fucking confusing to me.

People here might know that I'm asexual. This is almost certainly true. Without a doubt. I'm also sex repulsed. I barely doubt this as well. Thing is, to protect myself from others' constant bothering me from getting into a relationship, I present to others that I'm certainly aromantic as well. Thing is, in my mind, I cannot say that that for sure. I get persistent desires to get closer to someone that's beyond friendship. I don't know where it comes from. I just know it keeps surfacing. Yeah, it's partially to get the attention I've been sorely desiring for a while, but it's probably more than that as well. I don't develop any real "crushes" on real people, but I've had "psuedo-crushes" on some certain fictional characters (current main one has been going for around 2 or so years.). I cannot say for sure that I'm a (hetero.... only have developed "psuedo-crushes" on females)romantic asexual, but there's the potential. I've never tried it out though. The reasons are numerous.

Probably the biggest thing that causes me to despair about this is the fact that people used to tease me to hell and back and ship me with about any female my age. Like we'd be instantly in love just by talking? It was terrifying and nerve wracking. Made me so fucking self conscious. And since they thought they where harmlessly teasing about it, they won't apologize for it. I just can't have that again. It was awful. They'll start teasing me again if I slip up. And they won't stop this time. I fought hard to get them to stop. And this group of people includes my parents and others in my family... Just a bad time all around with no ability to trust them.

Other reasons for never experimenting on my potential romantic desires are numerous, as I've said. For starters, it'd be an experiment. Except it requires two people. I'd have to bring someone else down to test a hypothesis. That's not very nice. I'm also a sex-repulsed asexual with potential attraction to only one gender.... not a lot of potential choices there. I also don't feel like I'd be good in such a scenario. I'm a pretty selfish, self absorbed, and solitary person.... not very good for a thing for something that requires mutual support of each other. I'm also paranoid and depressed and distrustful of others.... again, not good things for a healthy relationship. Relationships also tend to be very cutthroat and healthy, lasting ones tend to be the exception to the rule. Also, my parents divorced and it's given me even more of a dim view of relationships. Also I'm 26 now and I've no experience for such things yet. At my age, that basically means you're fucked. I'm also broke, a terrible person, uncharismatic, busy, dealing with my own demons, etc. etc. etc. Suffice to say, there's a a lot of good reasons I have never tried to act on this potential ability for romantic attraction. I don't even know if it holds water.

I've been keeping to myself for a long time, only occasionally sharing it. I don't find it easy to share and I find it total betrayal of my past character. I've gotten a bit better at sharing this, but only online. I still have not told my therapist about this. Yeah, it's that hard for me to share. And obviously, I cannot tell my folks. It drives me insane, but letting my guard down will make things only worse.

So yeah, I really have no idea what the fuck to do here. It helps to share this, even if I don't like to, but beyond this, I'm at a loss. I just know that I get lonely (as much as hermit like me can be) and want more close attention, but beyond that, I'm at a loss. And no, I don't know if a queerplatonic relationship is my mind might want.

 

[antemortem]

I find myself a social pariah that most dislike. Aggravates me.

Anyways, perhaps I should share that thing that's been bothering me for ages here? I'm going to ask that if you're going to respond to it, you talk about it in hidden tags for right now. It's kind of private.

The "thing"

Yeah, an extra "hide" to show that I'm not very comfortable sharing this that much.

For over 6 years (or more), my mind has been bothering me about something I have struggled to keep at bay/kill. I've kind of given up on that as it's something so primal it's basically impossible to kill. I've accepted it more, but still find it hard to deal with. It's not something bad, as you'll see soon, but man is it oh so fucking confusing to me.

People here might know that I'm asexual. This is almost certainly true. Without a doubt. I'm also sex repulsed. I barely doubt this as well. Thing is, to protect myself from others' constant bothering me from getting into a relationship, I present to others that I'm certainly aromantic as well. Thing is, in my mind, I cannot say that that for sure. I get persistent desires to get closer to someone that's beyond friendship. I don't know where it comes from. I just know it keeps surfacing. Yeah, it's partially to get the attention I've been sorely desiring for a while, but it's probably more than that as well. I don't develop any real "crushes" on real people, but I've had "psuedo-crushes" on some certain fictional characters (current main one has been going for around 2 or so years.). I cannot say for sure that I'm a (hetero.... only have developed "psuedo-crushes" on females)romantic asexual, but there's the potential. I've never tried it out though. The reasons are numerous.

Probably the biggest thing that causes me to despair about this is the fact that people used to tease me to hell and back and ship me with about any female my age. Like we'd be instantly in love just by talking? It was terrifying and nerve wracking. Made me so fucking self conscious. And since they thought they where harmlessly teasing about it, they won't apologize for it. I just can't have that again. It was awful. They'll start teasing me again if I slip up. And they won't stop this time. I fought hard to get them to stop. And this group of people includes my parents and others in my family... Just a bad time all around with no ability to trust them.

Other reasons for never experimenting on my potential romantic desires are numerous, as I've said. For starters, it'd be an experiment. Except it requires two people. I'd have to bring someone else down to test a hypothesis. That's not very nice. I'm also a sex-repulsed asexual with potential attraction to only one gender.... not a lot of potential choices there. I also don't feel like I'd be good in such a scenario. I'm a pretty selfish, self absorbed, and solitary person.... not very good for a thing for something that requires mutual support of each other. I'm also paranoid and depressed and distrustful of others.... again, not good things for a healthy relationship. Relationships also tend to be very cutthroat and healthy, lasting ones tend to be the exception to the rule. Also, my parents divorced and it's given me even more of a dim view of relationships. Also I'm 26 now and I've no experience for such things yet. At my age, that basically means you're fucked. I'm also broke, a terrible person, uncharismatic, busy, dealing with my own demons, etc. etc. etc. Suffice to say, there's a a lot of good reasons I have never tried to act on this potential ability for romantic attraction. I don't even know if it holds water.

I've been keeping to myself for a long time, only occasionally sharing it. I don't find it easy to share and I find it total betrayal of my past character. I've gotten a bit better at sharing this, but only online. I still have not told my therapist about this. Yeah, it's that hard for me to share. And obviously, I cannot tell my folks. It drives me insane, but letting my guard down will make things only worse.

So yeah, I really have no idea what the fuck to do here. It helps to share this, even if I don't like to, but beyond this, I'm at a loss. I just know that I get lonely (as much as hermit like me can be) and want more close attention, but beyond that, I'm at a loss. And no, I don't know if a queerplatonic relationship is my mind might want.

I don’t identify as asexual, and in the act of affirming and validating your feelings and confusion, I have to remind you that other people and their sexualities shouldn’t be subjects of your “experimentation.” I interpreted that you know your use of the word “experiment” is, perhaps, for lack of a better word? Something my therapist and I work on regularly is sitting and dwelling with my language on a regular basis so I can actively correct myself in a moment of anxiety or uncertainty. If you know that referring to someone as an “experiment” isn’t accurate, use different verbiage; maybe that will actually help you figure out what you think you ”need” because using someone as a test run probably isn’t it.

 

[Joker 1v1]

Almost 2 years ago, I decided to make a post here. It was during a time in my life where everything I had fell apart. I lost my friends, had no money, had my mother mock me about suicide, lost my girlfriend, and was told I was going to be homeless. Something like this should never be experienced by a kid so young. I say kid more so because I was. I never really got out and did much of anything. I was contempt with pushing away responsibilities and trying to enjoy life. This ended up setting me on a path I wasn't ready for...and still am not. I had to go through abuse, and severe panic attacks. I was able to sleep, breathe or think. I never could find a way to escape my own self-torture. There was no silver lining, there was no happy ending, just pure suffering and a kid wanting to just ignore all of this and feel safe again. I moved into a laundry room of one of my mother's friends. Was told it would only be a few months before we would be back to having our own place. Little did I know how sad this really was. My mother's credit was destroyed so no one wanted to accept her. Her friend and his mother were abuse and mentally hurt me even more than I was. Threatening to call police and kicking me out on the street if I didn't lock my mother up in a mental hospital and be their kid now. Got to a point where they would physical abuse me to. They had no respect or care for me. They treated me like shit, but I had to accept it and go along with whatever so that I could have some roof over my head. I found out the first day when I got there that they were also being evicted...so the thought of finally getting some security in my life was gone again. As time went on, I tried so hard to find a place. Each one seemed so welcoming and supportive. But later regretted us or offered me something I couldn't accept. I went to a shelter, trying to find some safety. But they wanted me to quit my job and join their group. A group where a bunch of kids under the age of 22 were allowed to sleep at night and where they would offer food and some form of way to help them if they needed school. The fact is it was all just very depressing. They had kids sleeping on the floor all day until they had a chance to be given a bed to sleep in at 9pm. And then at 6am were told they need to leave. You had food that was left out all day and was cold. And they didn't treat you with much respect or care. They treated you as if you were a number...not a kid. Whilst all of this is happening in my life. I still has a job, a job which was my only ticket to freedom. This was back when we didn't have to wear masks and I was forced to smile and be happy, even though I wasn't. Because I would get reported if I looked sad or crestfallen. (I work in a nursing home so were suppose to be in good spirits for the residents to feel safe) I luckily was able to get another one of my mother's friend to help me. They allowed me to stay in a broken down camper from the 1970s if you wanted an idea of the model. And it ended up not having windows and was crawling with rats. These rats would eat, steal, crew anything of mine. They would run on me when I sleep, and I was just depressed. I tried therapy and it didn't go well at first when all of this started. But I found a therapist that would end up making me feel better. I looked forward in life a bit...until I was told one day they would be leaving. So then came the never ending cycle of trying to find a new one, one I felt worked. But it was never the same. My emotions were never gonna be the same they were when I first opened up to someone like I did the first time. Throughout all this, I ended up saving money. I went from having $0 to having $11,000 to my name. I felt so proud of myself, I was planning to take my DMV tests to help me to get a car and then life had other plans. Natural disaster after natural disaster. Fires, Wind, Ice...I ended up loosing so much money having to live out of hotels. And as soon as things started to mellow down, my mother gets robbed. Loses her car and a lot of what she owned. So I helped out, still seeking that security and love I was deprived. But never got what I was looking for in return. So I reached out to my father, someone I haven't seen in years. Hoping he would help. Sadly his solution was I should join the air force. Again wasn't what I was looking for... As time went on I end up getting a text from my ex. And this leads us talking and hanging out again. Things go well, I was finally getting to a point where I felt as if I was with someone who understood me. This lasted only so long. Before it went back to the way it was. My mother who wasn't being the best mother at this point stole my credit card and basically used all my money I had left. So I was back to where I was when I started. I didn't think I'd be at a point where I would be making another one of these posts today. But here I am. I definitely have changed from all this, I've done my fair share of suffering. I got a message from my ex today though, telling me about how she's engaged. That's something you don't really expect to see. I tell her how I'm happy for her, but she ends up going on a little tangent where I'm still a psychopath, how I ruined whatever we had together and how we were able to be friends, but never anything more than texting...I've know her for 7 years now. Dated a long time during that. She always made me happy, made me feel secure. She was always my silverling. But 2 years ago losing her was where this all started. She broke up with me and started dating this guy. His morals were there. But had tendencies to flip out and be horrible person. Her and I at this point still had feelings for each other, as the break up was still recent. But this guy kept spending time with her, until it got to a point where she was devoted to him. He talked to me about how I was invited to their wedding and could come visit them. I tried to take the high road at first but it didn't last. She kept inviting me to hangout with them and all they would do was flirt...so yea I wasn't happy. The guy and I started talking and he's telling me to move on, find religion and that she is all his. I couldn't take much more of that and told him what I really thought about him. And he freaked out and kept torturing me about it. How he was gonna marry her and ended up saying how if he ever saw me he would kill me. So ya, I go to her to talk to her about this and she sides with him and rest is history. Not really sure what to think. I loved her, still really care about her. She's at a point in life where she's doing what makes her happy. It doesn't feel right, anyone that knows her says so. But they continue to support her. And as much as it pains me, knowing everything and dealing with what I have at the same time. I try to suck it up and support her choice. She's an amazing person and someone who I know wants to be happy. I want her to be happy, and during all of this I'm going through I still try to support her and thank her for being a huge part of my life. Sometimes its just hard, hard to let go of those we love and care for.

 

[Fishy]

Almost 2 years ago, I decided to make a post here. It was during a time in my life where everything I had fell apart. I lost my friends, had no money, had my mother mock me about suicide, lost my girlfriend, and was told I was going to be homeless. Something like this should never be experienced by a kid so young. I say kid more so because I was. I never really got out and did much of anything. I was contempt with pushing away responsibilities and trying to enjoy life. This ended up setting me on a path I wasn't ready for...and still am not. I had to go through abuse, and severe panic attacks. I was able to sleep, breathe or think. I never could find a way to escape my own self-torture. There was no silver lining, there was no happy ending, just pure suffering and a kid wanting to just ignore all of this and feel safe again. I moved into a laundry room of one of my mother's friends. Was told it would only be a few months before we would be back to having our own place. Little did I know how sad this really was. My mother's credit was destroyed so no one wanted to accept her. Her friend and his mother were abuse and mentally hurt me even more than I was. Threatening to call police and kicking me out on the street if I didn't lock my mother up in a mental hospital and be their kid now. Got to a point where they would physical abuse me to. They had no respect or care for me. They treated me like shit, but I had to accept it and go along with whatever so that I could have some roof over my head. I found out the first day when I got there that they were also being evicted...so the thought of finally getting some security in my life was gone again. As time went on, I tried so hard to find a place. Each one seemed so welcoming and supportive. But later regretted us or offered me something I couldn't accept. I went to a shelter, trying to find some safety. But they wanted me to quit my job and join their group. A group where a bunch of kids under the age of 22 were allowed to sleep at night and where they would offer food and some form of way to help them if they needed school. The fact is it was all just very depressing. They had kids sleeping on the floor all day until they had a chance to be given a bed to sleep in at 9pm. And then at 6am were told they need to leave. You had food that was left out all day and was cold. And they didn't treat you with much respect or care. They treated you as if you were a number...not a kid. Whilst all of this is happening in my life. I still has a job, a job which was my only ticket to freedom. This was back when we didn't have to wear masks and I was forced to smile and be happy, even though I wasn't. Because I would get reported if I looked sad or crestfallen. (I work in a nursing home so were suppose to be in good spirits for the residents to feel safe) I luckily was able to get another one of my mother's friend to help me. They allowed me to stay in a broken down camper from the 1970s if you wanted an idea of the model. And it ended up not having windows and was crawling with rats. These rats would eat, steal, crew anything of mine. They would run on me when I sleep, and I was just depressed. I tried therapy and it didn't go well at first when all of this started. But I found a therapist that would end up making me feel better. I looked forward in life a bit...until I was told one day they would be leaving. So then came the never ending cycle of trying to find a new one, one I felt worked. But it was never the same. My emotions were never gonna be the same they were when I first opened up to someone like I did the first time. Throughout all this, I ended up saving money. I went from having $0 to having $11,000 to my name. I felt so proud of myself, I was planning to take my DMV tests to help me to get a car and then life had other plans. Natural disaster after natural disaster. Fires, Wind, Ice...I ended up loosing so much money having to live out of hotels. And as soon as things started to mellow down, my mother gets robbed. Loses her car and a lot of what she owned. So I helped out, still seeking that security and love I was deprived. But never got what I was looking for in return. So I reached out to my father, someone I haven't seen in years. Hoping he would help. Sadly his solution was I should join the air force. Again wasn't what I was looking for... As time went on I end up getting a text from my ex. And this leads us talking and hanging out again. Things go well, I was finally getting to a point where I felt as if I was with someone who understood me. This lasted only so long. Before it went back to the way it was. My mother who wasn't being the best mother at this point stole my credit card and basically used all my money I had left. So I was back to where I was when I started. I didn't think I'd be at a point where I would be making another one of these posts today. But here I am. I definitely have changed from all this, I've done my fair share of suffering. I got a message from my ex today though, telling me about how she's engaged. That's something you don't really expect to see. I tell her how I'm happy for her, but she ends up going on a little tangent where I'm still a psychopath, how I ruined whatever we had together and how we were able to be friends, but never anything more than texting...I've know her for 7 years now. Dated a long time during that. She always made me happy, made me feel secure. She was always my silverling. But 2 years ago losing her was where this all started. She broke up with me and started dating this guy. His morals were there. But had tendencies to flip out and be horrible person. Her and I at this point still had feelings for each other, as the break up was still recent. But this guy kept spending time with her, until it got to a point where she was devoted to him. He talked to me about how I was invited to their wedding and could come visit them. I tried to take the high road at first but it didn't last. She kept inviting me to hangout with them and all they would do was flirt...so yea I wasn't happy. The guy and I started talking and he's telling me to move on, find religion and that she is all his. I couldn't take much more of that and told him what I really thought about him. And he freaked out and kept torturing me about it. How he was gonna marry her and ended up saying how if he ever saw me he would kill me. So ya, I go to her to talk to her about this and she sides with him and rest is history. Not really sure what to think. I loved her, still really care about her. She's at a point in life where she's doing what makes her happy. It doesn't feel right, anyone that knows her says so. But they continue to support her. And as much as it pains me, knowing everything and dealing with what I have at the same time. I try to suck it up and support her choice. She's an amazing person and someone who I know wants to be happy. I want her to be happy, and during all of this I'm going through I still try to support her and thank her for being a huge part of my life. Sometimes its just hard, hard to let go of those we love and care for.

hi love, you're so sweet! it's easier to worry about the happiness of others when our lives are a mess, our lives are actually within our control so it feels harder/intimidating to Take Action and think objectively about solving our issues vs the issues of others. that guy you mention toward the end sounds like a toolbox, you're still young and they surely are too, everything shakes out the way it's supposed to.

are your lodgings improved? i admit your post fell a bit into stream of consciousness so i am unclear where you're at mentally as far as feeling more secure in your basic living experience. that's most important to me in order to foster all other mental healing!!!

 

[Joker 1v1]

hi love, you're so sweet! it's easier to worry about the happiness of others when our lives are a mess, our lives are actually within our control so it feels harder/intimidating to Take Action and think objectively about solving our issues vs the issues of others. that guy you mention toward the end sounds like a toolbox, you're still young and they surely are too, everything shakes out the way it's supposed to.

are your lodgings improved? i admit your post fell a bit into stream of consciousness so i am unclear where you're at mentally as far as feeling more secure in your basic living experience. that's most important to me in order to foster all other mental healing!!!

well i was able to fix up the place a bit. got rid of rats and all that. but currently working on trying to find a more stable place ; tho all this really puts a damper on things. making me rather worry about others than myself. ive become in a sense accepting life isnt perfect for me. and ive tried to make myself a better person from it. sometimes the realization that im not getting younger and missing out of things ill never get to experience at a young age takes its toll for sure

 

[Fishy]

well i was able to fix up the place a bit. got rid of rats and all that. but currently working on trying to find a more stable place ; tho all this really puts a damper on things. making me rather worry about others than myself. ive become in a sense accepting life isnt perfect for me. and ive tried to make myself a better person from it. sometimes the realization that im not getting younger and missing out of things ill never get to experience at a young age takes its toll for sure

everyone's life will be unique to them! i empathize about feeling like you're missing out on certain events when you're younger, but i can tell you that you're not alone in that sentiment!! some of the events you might realize you enjoyed more doing them when you were older, because you weren't as caught up in the moment and could take more of it in for the memories.

what would a perfect life look like for you? i'm not sure if anyone has a perfect life--i think that's a lie that's sold to everyone, though. truthfully i think a perfect life is just the life that makes us happiest, but our version of happiness can be as complex as life itself if we let external forces dictate what that happiness looks like

 

[Joker 1v1]

everyone's life will be unique to them! i empathize about feeling like you're missing out on certain events when you're younger, but i can tell you that you're not alone in that sentiment!! some of the events you might realize you enjoyed more doing them when you were older, because you weren't as caught up in the moment and could take more of it in for the memories.

what would a perfect life look like for you? i'm not sure if anyone has a perfect life--i think that's a lie that's sold to everyone, though. truthfully i think a perfect life is just the life that makes us happiest, but our version of happiness can be as complex as life itself if we let external forces dictate what that happiness looks like

I just want have a stable life. Be able to fail and not have to worry that one mistake will ruin my life. To have people who support me and tell me its ok to be myself. Not sure if this explains much, but I just want to experience life and not suffer anymore

 

[Rei]

I just lost my dream school IT job today after 2 and 1/2 weeks of being a temp to hopefully be full hired and it was due to not catching quick on enough and came across to coworkers as standoffish (it takes me a bit to warm up to people to know how they will react to things) and childish and the latter I am still failing to understand. I also had an issue with ffxiv with clearing uwu (ultima wep ultimate) one of the hardest fights in the game due to not catching on mechs quick enough and had a group I got together abandon me. I feel like garbage and will never amount to anything in life or in my MMO ffxiv. I cant keep friends, I burn more bridges with people and cant figure out what has to change. I feel worthless and everything points to that I will never amount to anything and just am a waste of space. The only thing that I can say that is stable is my savage group for ffxiv and its sad to say I only live for them and is the only thing that is keeping me from shooting myself in the head and ending it all. I have no friends, no social skills, no lover, no work skills, and no family to lean on. Im so alone in this world right now, I am desperate to make friends but all of them leave me, eventually my savage group for ffxiv will leave me to. why cant I do anything right in my life, why cant I keep a job, why cant I catch on quick enough for anything that I want to do in my life. I so badly wanted to hold on to my school IT job and then lose it cuz I was not where they wanted me to be which was be able to go to schools and do repairs ucz to them I was not ready but to me I was. I just want the pain and suffering to end, is it is too much to ask for a stable job and be a good raider in ffxiv? I guess it is and there's something wrong with my personality if I cannot keep friends as they all abandon me for one thing or another. I am tired of being a failure but all I can see is the constant remainders of why I am a failure screaming in my head and I just want it to stop. I just want to be like everyone else I am 24 and cannot keep a job, its so fucking sad that I keep letting myself and my parents down cuz I'm a failure at keeping jobs and all I see is darkness in front of me, waiting for me to step in, and be gone forever. What good is someone who lost everything on smogon, lost all friends, cant keep a good rep here, cant be a good raider in ffxiv, have a bad relationship with family and cant keep a job that I have wanted for so long. I just want to die so I can finally have the peace and happiness I want. don't bother messaging me all you guys do is abandon me and never talk to me again, not asking for pity.

 

[phosphor]

does anybody else here experience some form of cognitive decline with their depression? i feel like in the past two years of wallowing i've become less and less able to force myself through ideas that require more than a modicum of focused thought. i feel like i've been robbed of the opportunity to exercise talent and have been left behind by my former peers. maybe i should take a more active role in trying to stave this off, idk

 

[Fishy]

does anybody else here experience some form of cognitive decline with their depression? i feel like in the past two years of wallowing i've become less and less able to force myself through ideas that require more than a modicum of focused thought. i feel like i've been robbed of the opportunity to exercise talent and have been left behind by my former peers. maybe i should take a more active role in trying to stave this off, idk

depression has a significant effect on memory, mainly short term (as it has to process through that stage fully before it can be 'stored' in long term memory) so it is also reversible! the brain maintains plasticity throughout life (if you take care of your brain!) which is a fancy way of saying that you can always learn something new and "branch" out new neuron paths!

however, cortisol fucks with this process too! any time our bodies are stressed we are essentially in "fight or flight" mode, and this impinges on anything that isn't relative to either of those tasks. so, memory isn't needed as much as "instinct" in those moments

one thing is certain, you have NOT been robbed of opportunities to exercise any talents. you get your whole entire life to do that pal, not just your youth!!!

society often attempts to convince us that we should only engage in hobbies that can be monetized, but that's bullshit. happiness isn't about performing well, just BEING well. so however you achieve that state, it's valid and you should do iiiiit

 

[Wildfiree]

Just sending love and positivity to everyone and especially those that are still facing depression just know you aren’t alone. Blessings

 

[Azure]

tw just in case

I have felt like such shit for so long. I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. Pretty much every day of my life, I have horrible intrusive thoughts and delusional levels of paranoia about the people in my life. So many people have completely ruined my sense of trust. I feel demotivated as shit all the time. I feel embarrassed of myself as a person. I'm only getting older and I fucked up my only shot at college years ago and got screwed out of so much money. I've only ever worked shit retail jobs and that is probably all I'll ever do. None of my hobbies even make me happy anymore to make up for that. I really mean that, there is basically nothing that holds my interest enough to keep me happy and feeling like what I'm doing has a purpose. I'm just pointlessly living with absolutely no real goals or aspirations, and nothing distracts me or helps me escape. Every "guardian" that was ever in my life treated me like complete shit growing up. I'd rather not go too tremendously into detail about the specific sensitive moments of my life, but I've had to put up with so much trauma that I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to function like a normal person. I am not exaggerating when I say this, every second of every day, I am full of so much unbelievable anxiety it makes my head spin. I absolutely cannot relax, I am in a constant state of terror that just does not end. I just want to know what it feels like to be content and at peace. I just want to enjoy things again.

tw

pretty much nothing has gotten better at all for me since this post. I still just wish I was gone. I genuinely, honestly wish I could just not wake up tomorrow. I feel like there's absolutely nothing good left for me in this life. I can't contribute anything meaningful whatsoever to the world, and I can't even enjoy my own stupid pointless free time. I'm such a fucking moron man. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing anymore. I don't think I can do this anymore.

 

[ironwater]

tw

pretty much nothing has gotten better at all for me since this post. I still just wish I was gone. I genuinely, honestly wish I could just not wake up tomorrow. I feel like there's absolutely nothing good left for me in this life. I can't contribute anything meaningful whatsoever to the world, and I can't even enjoy my own stupid pointless free time. I'm such a fucking moron man. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing anymore. I don't think I can do this anymore.

Hey Azure, you're one of the nicest person I met on PS!, very dedicated to helping people there and I really enjoy staffing with you. I'm sad to hear that things are not going better for you, but don't think that you are worthless cause you're not. I'm sure you are able to do incredible things, and yes motivation is hard to find when nothing goes well, but please don't give up. Finding your way in life is hard, but you will find it eventually. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me whenever you want. I really hope you'll be doing better soon my friend.

 

[DIYUSI]

Hello everyone, I know I will surprise some people by senting a post in this thread, but I think it's important for me if I can share my experience on this subject (also, its explain that time where I deleted my discord's account and leave the game for several months). Before continuing, I have to present my genuine excuses for all the trouble I caused (esp for my teammates during ADPL, the friends I made on discord and for everyone I forgot).

I will try to be brief, recently, I def give up on engineering study. I was in my third year, but I was unable to sucess it. There are a lot of reason to explain this failure (and a lot of personnal that I will avoid to post them ofc), but, overall, one the main reason was how I was always alone. Because the school is too far away from my parents's home, I had to live alone. In the beginning, it was "fine", but, because of my shy personnality and the fact that I enter the third year without knowing anyone, I think I easily got weeks where I literraly speak to no one. So, unable to find enough motivation to have the graduation, just after hollydays, I stopped to go to school. Ofc, my parents were alerted from that and I have to return to school, where I someone manage to repeat the third year.

So, the "new" third year begin, I'm on a decent mood, but, unfortunately, the same issue was repeated, after six months, I stopped to go to school. Even worse, during this week of freetime, I try to kill myself (but I never passed the line ofc). Eventually, my parents came to pick me up, finally understanding that I was not made for this school and we all went home. However, the story was not over yet. The same day I wrote these words, I ran away from my house. Even if I know it was stupid to do that, I did it nevertheless. Eventually, I manage to convince myself to went home, and I hope this big issue of my life can be patched up with time.

Honestly, I dont think I will be able to write everything I learn from my personnal experience of depression (for example, I always knew this issue comes from long ago), but, even if I'm not sure of what I'm suppose to do now, I want to make sure that, if anyone is on the same boat than me, they can always contact me if the need it. I know I can't help too much (esp when I'm as sick as you), but, if you feel alone and can't find someone that can truly understand your pain, there is at least one person that is in the same shit than you. I hope that everyone can eventually find his own inner peace (and sorry for english's mistakes, I'm not in the mood to check them :) ).

 

[Wildfiree]

Hello everyone so the past day and a half has been really hard. I lost someone very near and dear to my heart. She wasn’t blood related but she was family she was like a second mother to me. She showed me kind people still exist. She was there for my family when no one else was. She isn’t my mom but I took up most of my personality after her. This lady was an angel it hurts me she is gone. Unfortunately she had a fatal stroke she passed at the age of 60. My heart is hurting even more then my dad passed because this person has such a massive impact on me. Healing will be a long journey and imagining my future without her is hard but I will take it a day at a time.

Things have gotten slightly better. However, Mentally I’m still kinda in a dark place. Excitement for life in general is still kinda not there. It’s hard to smile sometimes I just wonder when these scars I have will ease up a bit. I have trouble letting my past go. It’s hard to smile sometimes now..as a person who love to laugh, it’s hard to do even that sometimes. Right now taking it very slowly, hope I’ll be able to smile and laugh genuinely again.

 

[JTD783]

Yesterday was my 23rd birthday and today is Valentine’s Day. Every year I get these two terrible days side by side and I’m so tired of having to endure them. All I have as a result of either of them is a depressive episode, as usual. I don’t know how I’ll even make it to this time next year. Every day is worse than the last and I want my pain to end.

 

[mushamu]

I have to get this off of my chest.

I won't get into details, because it's extremely embarrassing. Let's just say that someone I thought was a good friend of mine humiliated me immensely in public, out of nothing but malice in their hearts, to random strangers that made fun of me too. I won't get into details but I nearly cried on the spot.

And all of that person's friends, who were my friends before, all came and defended him. And they ganged up on me basically (verbally of course not physically else id have gotten some help).

These same people have been bullying me for years. And it's all i fucking go through. i go through it at home, i go through at school, i go through it socially, i went through it on this very website. I cut them all off, except my family because I can't really do that rn.

I've become incredibly jaded from people because of this. I have no fucking friends, no fucking family that loves me, no one. I'm alone in this world and that's just the way that it is. I'll never find love, I'll never find happiness, and even if I do succeed career-wise and academically I'll be incredibly bitter throughout it all.

I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to lose my life to the cruelty of others. I don't want to let them win. I also don't want to live life this incredibly bitter and jaded, though that's preferable to not living at all. So I have to do something about this. Therapy didn't work for me. Does anyone have any suggestions? Because frankly I'm all out of ideas, and I don't see this getting better ever.

Hey MagusZ, I'm sorry to hear that you went through all this especially from people you trusted beforehand. I think that it's good you cut them off because distancing yourself from toxic people will always be a net positive for life. I can try to offer advice based on personal experiences; sorry in advance if I make a wrong assumption.

People is definitely a huge part of what makes life worth living. Being around others that you life and enjoy makes the best memories in life that you can cherish later on. I think you should try to surround yourself with people that you love and want to share yourself with. If a person has a good heart, then they will naturally find others who are attracted to their presence, so the main thing would be to try and open doors for people to come into your life. There are genuinely good people out there that care about you, and the group of friends that were toxic to you are not some of them. A lot of the best relationships in life happen through coincidence because of this, but reaching out to people always helps to see if they reciprocate the kindness you show them in order to bring them into your life and yours into theirs. It's kind of hard to get the mentality right away but you have to try and live your own life and focus on doing whatever you enjoy but try and open up to people when the opportunity presents itself. Your "friends" before were really awful for humiliating then verbally abusing you, but that doesn't mean there aren't genuine people out there that you can share yourself with and vise versa. You should also try to take it easy; having people open up to you takes time as well as feeling comfortable when other people approach you. The best relationships develop over time so it's important to be patient. It takes time to recover from what your "friends" did to you as well; it sounds like emotional abuse and emotional abuse takes a long time to recover from if ever. It's natural to start trusting people less because of your experiences. I'm sure finding genuine people in your life to support you will help a ton with that though. And in the end,
you'll live a happy and fulfilling life with people you love while pursuing your passions. You'll find love in people that are attracted to you for who you are especially since you do seem like a genuinely nice person that's what draws people in. Like I said, a lot of the best people that come into a person's life are through coincidence, so you might meet someone very dear to you tomorrow or even the day after that. It's been a while since you initially posted about this but things will get better if they haven't already!

Since I don't post on Smogon a lot anymore I'll be on discord a lot as squishytaromochi#0719 if you want to talk about it further (and this goes for anyone who needs someone to talk to). Good luck with everything!

 

[Milo]

Ayo lads. My name is Tyler, and I've been feeling rather, down lately, or rather lost in my mindset. I have more of a fear of the future and it's sort of making my unsociable, awkward and down. I prefer not to use the word depressed, considering there are people in a far worse mind frame than myself, but it certainly isn't happiness if you guys know what I mean.

Thing is, I graduate from Sixth Form (British Junior and Senior year) next year, and after that I plan on going to University, getting a degree... and then I'm lost. The idea of having the same job or career scares me and 30 years flash before me or a boring cycle. I also fear that I'll be losing my lads in a year or so when we split up for Univeristy, and I don't know, going into the unknown is real scary for me innit. I've got so many options, and choosing just 1 makes me so uncomfortable thinking that these are my only opportunities to go into said careers. Teacher? Fun for a while I guess. Professor? Hard work will make the years pass quickly. Business Owner? It seems fulfilling. But I consider myself an educated mind who can enter a career of research, teaching or political involvement, and I want to leave an impact on people, you know? But, even just writing all of my options out is scary to me. It's kind of led me to walk into college like 'What's the point' and just not talk to anyone, and then I come home, hop online, and maybe act a little off I guess.

All in all, I'm just a bit lost in my mind about what to do with my life. Distract myself with helping people on smogon, and just hanging around here but, all in all, I'll have to decide at some point, and that scares me. But, I'll try and cope I suppose.

There have been some real lads on the site who make me real cheery though so, shoutout lads! You guys have helped me a lot in the past 7 months innit, so I wanted to say thanks!

You guys make it worth it

Avery adem R8 Byleth Solaros & Lunaris pannuracotta peap Phyn Redgoop115 Typhlosion4 Mimikyu Stardust ironwater Ryuji-Sempai maroon omi Michael213 2020 idm boomer Axzel agc x dababy NVK diegoblu Lupla ChrisPBacon Chief Z

 

[Michael213]

Ayo lads. My name is Tyler, and I've been feeling rather, down lately, or rather lost in my mindset. I have more of a fear of the future and it's sort of making my unsociable, awkward and down. I prefer not to use the word depressed, considering there are people in a far worse mind frame than myself, but it certainly isn't happiness if you guys know what I mean.

Thing is, I graduate from Sixth Form (British Junior and Senior year) next year, and after that I plan on going to University, getting a degree... and then I'm lost. The idea of having the same job or career scares me and 30 years flash before me or a boring cycle. I also fear that I'll be losing my lads in a year or so when we split up for Univeristy, and I don't know, going into the unknown is real scary for me innit. I've got so many options, and choosing just 1 makes me so uncomfortable thinking that these are my only opportunities to go into said careers. Teacher? Fun for a while I guess. Professor? Hard work will make the years pass quickly. Business Owner? It seems fulfilling. But I consider myself an educated mind who can enter a career of research, teaching or political involvement, and I want to leave an impact on people, you know? But, even just writing all of my options out is scary to me. It's kind of led me to walk into college like 'What's the point' and just not talk to anyone, and then I come home, hop online, and maybe act a little off I guess.

All in all, I'm just a bit lost in my mind about what to do with my life. Distract myself with helping people on smogon, and just hanging around here but, all in all, I'll have to decide at some point, and that scares me. But, I'll try and cope I suppose.

There have been some real lads on the site who make me real cheery though so, shoutout lads! You guys have helped me a lot in the past 7 months innit, so I wanted to say thanks!

You guys make it worth it

Avery adem R8 Byleth Solaros & Lunaris pannuracotta peap Phyn Redgoop115 Typhlosion4 Mimikyu Stardust ironwater Ryuji-Sempai maroon omi Michael213 2020 idm boomer Axzel agc x dababy NVK diegoblu Lupla ChrisPBacon Chief Z

listen bro i’m so sorry to hear but i’m glad i’ve been able to help u out. If u need someone to talk to i’ll always be there to help