A Petition to Stop Grease Trafficking

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Hello, I'm grease rights activist Sharon Peters.

Chaos, the owner of smogon.com and hero to many a greasy nerd. Although many sweaty chimpanzees who inhabit this cholesterol infested web site look up to Chaos as mentor and friend, some dark deeds have been surfacing ever since the birth of smogon.com. We have discovered that Chaos participates in a highly illegal and dangerous practice known as "grease trafficking." Never heard of it? Well sit back and listen kiddos because you're in for a big surprise. Grease trafficking is the sole reason for America's health crisis and the growing amount of sweaty primates joining smogon (i.e. Ahkimarth, Problems, etc). The basics of grease trafficking are as such, Chaos extracts large amount of grease and zit juice from Smogon's greasiest users (i.e. Lonelyness) and then sells the massive quantities of grease under the table to gargantuan fast food chains such as McDonalds and Wendys. Think it's crazy? Well, the madness doesn't stop there. Since America is currently in an obesity epidemic, the grease used by the large fast food corporations is used to cook the delicious Whoppers, Big Macs, and Baconators that we here at smogon.com have come to cherish with every fold that lies underneath our tight t shirts. The Big Mac, a symbol of American capitalism, which contains a three part sesame seed bun, farm fresh pickles, delicious romaine lettuce, freshly picked onions, american cheese and home style secret sauce has a dark secret. The delicious 100% beef patty is cooked using the grease and zit juice exported from smogon.com!!!

As disgusting as it sounds, grease trafficking is not an uncommon process. Other pokemon video game communities such as Serebii, Pokecommunity, Pokebeach, GameFAQs, and most recently Pokemon Online have all started to follow suit with Chaos to participate in grease trafficking. Here's the thing though, we haven't even gotten to the worst part of it all yet!!! With America in a health crisis, many individuals have decided that making frequent trips to fast food restaurants is the best health decision. Unfortunately for them, this tactic usually turns out with a large greasy belly, some love handles, and a face with cheeks so full that Paula Deen would refrain from putting more butter on that. With the massive quantities of fatties roaming around these days, many of them decide to take up competitive pokemon as a hobby. Well, what do you think happens next? You betcha!! They join smogon.com!! At this point, smogon.com (especially the tournaments forum) is cash crop to Chaos' master plan of producing zit juice and grease to sell to large fast food corporations and turn over major profit. With each fight that happens within a smogon thread, a small amount of grease is released and collected by Chaos, who then greedily hands it over to McDonalds at ludicrous prices. It is a vicious cycle that must be stopped. Chaos' evil business model is oppressing the greasy primates of smogon.com and we refuse to stand for it!!!

Although there is one small corollary to the shady dealings of Chaos. As many avid smogcast viewers may have noticed, Chaos has recently shaved his beard and head, although he has grown some of it back in recent weeks. Through extensive research of the underbelly of smogon irc we have discovered that Chaos has bought out the Gillette shaving company and halted all production on shaving cream being sold across the globe. With no shaving cream being sold in stores, this means that sweaty nerds are unable to shave and relieve themselves of their sloppy neck beards which houses massive quantities of grease that Chaos greedily sells the fast food conglomerates. With all of extra quantities of grease produced due to the Gillette shaving company being at Chaos' mercy, he turns out massive profits through his underground dealings. He's pretty much the Pablo Escobar of grease folks. Now that you are aware of the basics of grease trafficking we have to review the negatives and propose a way to stop the madness to take back what is ours, our dignity, sovereignty, but more importantly our grease.

What are the negatives to grease trafficking you ask? Aside from the shady business dealings that completely contradict the American ideas of free market capitalism and equality for all, there are extreme negative health benefits to grease trafficking. First of all, once a sweaty nerd loses his grease, he loses his pride, his glory, and his libido. The loss of one's grease is obviously very embarrassing to individuals in the smogon community and it should not be stood for by anyone. We believe that all sweaty primates are entitled to their grease and greedy rapscallions like Chaos should not be able to steal it and turn out massive profits for his own pleasure. Although from the outside, it may seem like Chaos' business model is a slam dunk, it truly hurts the smogon community and causes social conflict within the pokemon universe. When Gamefreak constructed this astonishingly deep game back in the late 1990's they intended it to be an activity that all sweaty nerds would enjoy and love to their heart's content. Unfortunately, we have people in this world who take other people's enjoyment and turn it upside down to strip them of their glory and hard earned grease.

An example of the negative effects of what can happen due to grease trafficking takes us back to one of smogon's most prestigious and esteemed users, Lonelyness. Lonelyness used to be one of smogon's greasiest members; however on the most recent edition of the smogcast, it seems that Lonelyness had lost the massive quantities of grease and zits that once resided on his face. It seems that Chaos had stripped him of his prized zit juice and grease right before the smogcast even began, to rub it in his face that he has the power to do what he pleases with his naturally produced juices. We find this abuse to be absolutely ludicrous. No greasy primate should have to stand for this and we believe that the recent tumultuous hosting of the smogcast only further demonstrates the negative effects of grease trafficking and grease abuse in itself.

So what are you do to about all of this you ask? Well, we have some simple steps for you all to follow to fight back against the evils of grease trafficking. First of all, it is absolutely NECESSARY that the average sweaty nerd on smogon.com not become angered in a competitive pokemon match whether it be via hax, trolling, or any other mechanism that typically angers the oleaginous population of smogon. The less and less conflict there is among the esteemed competitive pokemon crowd of smogon means the less and less grease that Chaos can collect and sell under the table to your favorite fast food provider. Secondly, if you witness any shady grease trafficking activities, it is imperative that you call the number 1-800-DONTSTEALMYGREASE for assistance. This is a hotline set up by those members of the smogon community who witness the negative impacts of grease trafficking everyday. Thirdly, everyone who stands with us and wants to fight the evils of grease trafficking and Chaos' shady dealings needs to be able to fight back. That is why we have organized a task force named AGTA or "Anti-Grease Trafficking Agency" to fight this horrific crime. Once again, it is absolutely imperative that members of this task force standby and utilize the Anti-Grease Trafficking hotline at all times. Finally, we ask you all to sign this petition, to show that you are truly against this evil crime and stand by us to put the typical smogon member on equal footing with the evils that Chaos is committing. With such an unknown and serious issue at hand, we must stand together to take back what is ours and not let Chaos wreak havoc on our elegant naturally produced juices.

Thank you for taking the time out of your sluggish and uneventful day in order to read this thread. We very much appreciate it and hope that you stand beside us to fight against Chaos and his utterly horrific schemes. As new members of the AGTA, we have created a battle cry for you all to utter when fighting against a grease trafficking supporter....

Fuck, I don't live in America nor eat at fast foods. May I still get involved in this as a Smogon member or is it required to have first hand experiences in order to connect emotionally with those who call the hotline? May I financially support this, I'm sure my money would be put to better use here than funding more of Chaos's evil schemes.
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