Serious Depression

S. Court

[Takes hits in Spanish]
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Either way, I'm having extremely mixed feelings about this despite how unimportant it should be in my mind. I'm getting senses of anger and depression, with ranges of thoughts between wanting to punch something or somebody, start trolling, cry, and even commit suicide.
It'd be quite irresponsable of my part saying that considering I'm not someone who knows a lot about mental health, but experiencing emotions in this way could be a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), has a psychologist diagnosed you? It's a quite common personality disorder and it has treatment.

Again, I'm not a psychologist or something similar, that comment just came from my quite narrow point of view about mental health.
 
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UberSkitty

cuz I got banned from gen 8
is a Smogon Social Media Contributoris a Contributor to Smogon
Yeah I know I just posted here a couple weeks ago, but I've got a couple more stuff to say.

I made that last post right after the PUPL draft and my mind was wild. I left the PU Discord and Showdown Room because I couldn't handle the thought of not being on a team. It was like sitting in a playground with a broken leg watching all the other kids play. So for the last couple of weeks, I didn't do much involving PU, but even then I couldn't help but ladder and sneak into the room on an alt sometimes. I realized how much this all meant to me, whether that be in a bad and addictive way or a good and caring way. I recently came back to the PU Discord and am trying to adapt back into the "playground" but it's still kind of difficult. I need to acknowledge that the PUPL meant a lot to me, and I still can't say exactly why. I have some ideas, like I said in my previous post on me just being a sore loser or how the PUPL was one time in my recent life that I actually had hope in something, even slight cockiness. But while I was gone a simpler idea came to my head. I just cared because I cared about the community and what I put into it. This thought has left me wondering what I've actually contributed to the PU community in my almost 3 years now, and I'm in doubt. Even as a Driver and a lot can say I help in the chat, I fail to see how that differs from others. As much as I want to say I've gotten over it, I can't say I completely will for a while. Overall, this has just left me realizing how much Showdown, Discord, and Smogon all mean to me. But like I said before, I don't know if it's in a good or bad way. This is furthered by the fact that I got warned earlier today for screwing with a mod I knew while on an alt. Even though we talked about it in PMs and had a good laugh about how he didn't realize it was me, I still feel horrible about it, and I don't know why. This overall has left me wondering whether this website has been good or bad for my depression with even the slightest drama or tension between me and other users. Furthermore, while I don't want to quit at all, I'm also wondering if being here is bad for my IRL social life. Maybe it's the care that I have for the community and its people that makes it an addiction. An addiction that leaves me overthinking the slightest of things, sometimes more so than IRL. An addiction that leaves me doubting my point in not only this community but in general.

As for IRL, fuck my teachers for the shit-ton of work I have to make up from missing school. The first time I left it was fine coming back, and my guidance counselor told me not to worry, but that's all I am doing at this point. I have multiple quizzes, projects, and papers I have to make up and only have one more week to do it. Certain teachers aren't even taking off assignments that I've missed, so I'll have to do those to if I want to get good grades in those classes. They just don't seem to care about how much I care about my grades, especially since as I said in my last post it's my important 11th grade year. This has left me filled with suicidal thoughts and even more scratches on my arm than ever before, via mechanical pencil. On top of that, my sisters are home and there's now a lot of fighting between them and my mom, and that just increases my stress and frustration levels. And this is all on top of the fact that I didn't gain much from being in the hospital or at partial.

While this website may be an addiction, sometimes I feel it's one of the only things keeping me alive.
 

Cresselia~~

Junichi Masuda likes this!!
I used to have depression.
My depression used to be very weather dependent. I get very depressed during rainy days, but almost never get depressed during sunny days.
Rainy days can cause me to have very little energy, and may not be able to go to work. I'd even skip meals on rainy days.

The symptoms lessened after my dad painted my room bright pink.
 
I really was thinking about counseling, or doing something but I’m really scared. Maybe people will think it’s B.S or that I’m just too sensitive. I’ve been feeling horrible recently, I lost my best friend recently after he discovered my furry lifestyle, and my dinosaur obsession as now he thinks I’m “Too old for this” Or I need to grow up. My beloved Border Collie, Eme died due to old age recently, and now my once friend is blaming me for it? Because of a hobby? We share classes together so he often hears what I talk about. I talk to my friend about how I go to the zoo, and he make sure smart ass remarks about it.

Life has just went downhill and it’s already been bad enough. I’ve been procrastinating and not very motivated for art. It feels like even people on smogon dislike me too, despite all the contributions I make because I prefer different things instead of Anime or whatever. I’ve just been super self aware recently, I miss being with my friend group without being actively judged, or me having to worry about people liking me. I just want to go home and cry.

I don’t know what to do.... I’m honestly thinking of leaving the furry fandom, And leaving my raptor stuff behind, even leaving Falkneraptor behind, Which sucks since I just finished his fursuit. just don’t know what to do.... It really hurts.



EDIT: One of my actual good friends invited me to their local furry group, as they don’t want me to leave the fandom and so I can make new friends. I hope it will help.
 
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I really was thinking about counseling, or doing something but I’m really scared. Maybe people will think it’s B.S or that I’m just too sensitive. I’ve been feeling horrible recently, I lost my best friend recently after he discovered my furry lifestyle, and my dinosaur obsession as now he thinks I’m “Too old for this” Or I need to grow up. My beloved Border Collie, Eme died due to old age recently, and now my once friend is blaming me for it? Because of a hobby? We share classes together so he often hears what I talk about. I talk to my friend about how I go to the zoo, and he make sure smart ass remarks about it.

Life has just went downhill and it’s already been bad enough. I’ve been procrastinating and not very motivated for art. It feels like even people on smogon dislike me too, despite all the contributions I make because I prefer different things instead of Anime or whatever. I’ve just been super self aware recently, I miss being with my friend group without being actively judged, or me having to worry about people liking me. I just want to go home and cry.

I don’t know what to do.... I’m honestly thinking of leaving the furry fandom, And leaving my raptor stuff behind, even leaving Falkneraptor behind, Which sucks since I just finished his fursuit. just don’t know what to do.... It really hurts.
No. Don't listen to him. If he wants to do all of this to you, don't be friends with him anymore! You know what I did with MY best friend when he opposed my way of life?! I quit being best friends with him and made a new one! That was 2 years ago, and it still stays like that to this day. I never had apologized, or decided to be best friends again, and I made sure that my new best friend was one that is really annoying to him. Was weird at first, but then I adjusted and he became pretty darn fun! He's tried to apologize to me for what he's done once I quit, and I still refuse to forgive him, even after 2 years. Because I'm not dealing with the nonsense he's put me through again. EVER.
And also, do NOT stop raptor stuff. You were inspiration for me to have the avatar I do (at the time of this message), your intro to your raptor thread has over 100 likes, users are beginning to do what I'm doing (although I'm likely the most popular one using your raptors as avatars), and if you stop this raptor business, you're ending yourself on Smogon. I saw this in my news feed. Don't give up on life just yet! Make new threads! Do stuff other than raptors, but still make raptors!
 
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No. Don't listen to him. If he wants to do all of this to you, don't be friends with him anymore! You know what I did with MY best friend when he opposed my way of life?! I quit being best friends with him and made a new one! That was 2 years ago, and it still stays like that to this day. I never had apologized, or decided to be best friends again, and I made sure that my new best friend was one that is really annoying to him. Was weird at first, but then I adjusted and he became pretty darn fun! He's tried to apologize to me for what he's done once I quit, and I still refuse to forgive him, even after 2 years. Because I'm not dealing with the nonsense he's put me through again. EVER.
And also, do NOT stop raptor stuff. You were inspiration for me to have the avatar I do (at the time of this message), you're intro to your raptor thread has over 100 likes, users are beginning to do what I'm doing (although I'm likely the most popular one using your raptors as avatars), and if you stop this raptor business, you're ending yourself on Smogon. I saw this in my news feed. Don't give up on life just yet! Make new threads! Do stuff other than raptors, but still make raptors!
Yeah I understand, but is it really worth it if people are going to just be mean to me because of it? It’s really hard to get over, we were friends since we were little kids and it hurts to see someone turn on me because of a simple interest, and blame me for the death of my own dog? I don’t know. The raptor thing was really popular when it first started as there were even moderators using them as avatars, but it’s died down a bit since then.
 
Yeah I understand, but is it really worth it if people are going to just be mean to me because of it? It’s really hard to get over, we were friends since we were little kids and it hurts to see someone turn on me because of a simple interest, and blame me for the death of my own dog? I don’t know. The raptor thing was really popular when it first started as there were even moderators using them as avatars, but it’s died down a bit since then.
Yeah well same could be said about my old best friend, best friends since age 6, eventually opposed my life style after many years, and I still dunk him the way I do if he tries to become best friends with me. Make new best friends. I'm just being supportive and honest pal

Edit: OK this avatar is getting stale now but still
 

UberSkitty

cuz I got banned from gen 8
is a Smogon Social Media Contributoris a Contributor to Smogon
Here I am after six weeks of being gone with more to come. And yes, it was all in the hospital. I'm only on a pass for a couple hours though so :blobshrug:. Either way I thought I'd just give an update on the shit I'm going through. A lot was going on. I was stressed about schoolwork, was loosing interest in things like video games and drawing, and was starting to question a lot of the friendships I had. To expand, my teachers were overflowing me with work that I had missed due to my other hospitalizations (as I said in my previous post), and grades were more important to me than other at the moment since it's 11th grade, so college was on my mind. I was also being stressed with video games and drawing since I was constantly doubting my abilities, especially when comparing myself to pros at them. The whole friendship thing has been going on for a while, mainly IRL. I've been finding myself begging for people to be my friend (no, not literally) and I feel like the people I want to be friends with are just doing it out of pity and secretly judge me. Furthermore, I've lost two of my closest friends due to relationship stuff, and I only have myself to blame for it.

Because of all of this, I found myself lying in my bed one night with no idea what to do, and that just allowed the suicidal thoughts to kick in. I even joked about how "I wanted to get pills from my mom's room but my sister was in there" both on discord with some of you and via text with some of my "IRL friends". (Also there wasn't much reaction from some of the IRL people so that just makes me feel worse). And while it was presented as a joke, I was serious. The moment my sister left my mom's room I sneaked in there to find where she kept the containers of my medications. When I heard my sister coming back, I hadn't found them and left the room empty handed. However, I remembered something. My mom would leave out a couple days worth of my meds in weekly containers (one for am and pm and each container had a part for each day). So, I went to the kitchen and took three nights and two mornings worth of meds. There was no immediate effect, bar me going to sleep pretty much immediately after due to the pills consisting of 15 mg of a sleeping med. However, that next morning, I woke up very nauseous and when I walked flimsily to my bathroom I looked in the mirror and my eyes were dilated AF. I eventually told my mom that night and we happened to have a psychiatrist appointment the next day, and when I told them, that's when I was sent to the hospital for what qualified as overdosing and attempted suicide.

I spent my first three weeks in a normal mental hospital, but didn't feel any different. In fact, I got caught cutting myself a few times with random objects like a ripped part of my glasses case. Because of all of this, it was decided I would be sent to a state hospital, which is pretty much a hospital for longer stays, with the average apparently being about three months, but I'll probably be leaving by the end of august, after which I will go to a partial for six weeks. But this is all assuming I behave. Speaking of behaving, I've managed to keep my cool in the hosital despite various things that aggravate me like certain staff (they yell way too much and make me uncomfortable a lot), the fact I have to have a roommate (I do not have good experiences with those), and the food (they keep serving me fish despite the fact that I'm vegetarian). But I have to continue behaving if I want to go on more passes, which expand in time each time. The suicidal thoughts have gone down a little, or at least I think, but I'm still far from feeling better. For a funner way to end off, these are some of the people I've met on my adventure!
  • The most, er, interesting person I've encountered is a black person that's a racist. Furthermore, she thinks she's smarter than everyone (in a creepy, not cocky, level) and thought I had a crush on her. But why did she "reject" me? Because I'm white.
  • There were actually multiple girls that I found looking at me or even admitted to having crushes on me. I was also shipped a lot. It felt awkward to say I wasn't in to them though. Also I have no idea why someone would have a crush on me.
  • In the state hospital, there are various people I like to call "zebras" due to their bodies being covered in scars from cutting themselves. We get along and enjoy making jokes about suicide and cutting ourselves.
  • I've met a couple artists, and they've taught me how to improve on anime. They're pretty much my closest friends there.
  • I ran into someone from my school and someone I met in partial. The guy from partial is my current roommate (he's cool, but I still prefer having my own room).
  • Finally, while I did mention that there are some pretty shitty staff, there have also been some cool ones. Two of them taught me the basics of playing the piano and ukulele, respectively, and I already told my mom to order me one online (they are surprisingly cheap).
Despite that note, this has honestly been a horrible experience, and I just don't see it getting better. I'm actually hoping to get out of the hospital sooner since I see no way it is being helpful (though I doubt it will happen). But who knows, whenever I'm officially discharged maybe I'll feel just a tad better.
 

Mimas

My cycle is ending here, thanks for everything.
Here I am after six weeks of being gone with more to come. And yes, it was all in the hospital. I'm only on a pass for a couple hours though so :blobshrug:. Either way I thought I'd just give an update on the shit I'm going through. A lot was going on. I was stressed about schoolwork, was loosing interest in things like video games and drawing, and was starting to question a lot of the friendships I had. To expand, my teachers were overflowing me with work that I had missed due to my other hospitalizations (as I said in my previous post), and grades were more important to me than other at the moment since it's 11th grade, so college was on my mind. I was also being stressed with video games and drawing since I was constantly doubting my abilities, especially when comparing myself to pros at them. The whole friendship thing has been going on for a while, mainly IRL. I've been finding myself begging for people to be my friend (no, not literally) and I feel like the people I want to be friends with are just doing it out of pity and secretly judge me. Furthermore, I've lost two of my closest friends due to relationship stuff, and I only have myself to blame for it.

Because of all of this, I found myself lying in my bed one night with no idea what to do, and that just allowed the suicidal thoughts to kick in. I even joked about how "I wanted to get pills from my mom's room but my sister was in there" both on discord with some of you and via text with some of my "IRL friends". (Also there wasn't much reaction from some of the IRL people so that just makes me feel worse). And while it was presented as a joke, I was serious. The moment my sister left my mom's room I sneaked in there to find where she kept the containers of my medications. When I heard my sister coming back, I hadn't found them and left the room empty handed. However, I remembered something. My mom would leave out a couple days worth of my meds in weekly containers (one for am and pm and each container had a part for each day). So, I went to the kitchen and took three nights and two mornings worth of meds. There was no immediate effect, bar me going to sleep pretty much immediately after due to the pills consisting of 15 mg of a sleeping med. However, that next morning, I woke up very nauseous and when I walked flimsily to my bathroom I looked in the mirror and my eyes were dilated AF. I eventually told my mom that night and we happened to have a psychiatrist appointment the next day, and when I told them, that's when I was sent to the hospital for what qualified as overdosing and attempted suicide.

I spent my first three weeks in a normal mental hospital, but didn't feel any different. In fact, I got caught cutting myself a few times with random objects like a ripped part of my glasses case. Because of all of this, it was decided I would be sent to a state hospital, which is pretty much a hospital for longer stays, with the average apparently being about three months, but I'll probably be leaving by the end of august, after which I will go to a partial for six weeks. But this is all assuming I behave. Speaking of behaving, I've managed to keep my cool in the hosital despite various things that aggravate me like certain staff (they yell way too much and make me uncomfortable a lot), the fact I have to have a roommate (I do not have good experiences with those), and the food (they keep serving me fish despite the fact that I'm vegetarian). But I have to continue behaving if I want to go on more passes, which expand in time each time. The suicidal thoughts have gone down a little, or at least I think, but I'm still far from feeling better. For a funner way to end off, these are some of the people I've met on my adventure!
  • The most, er, interesting person I've encountered is a black person that's a racist. Furthermore, she thinks she's smarter than everyone (in a creepy, not cocky, level) and thought I had a crush on her. But why did she "reject" me? Because I'm white.
  • There were actually multiple girls that I found looking at me or even admitted to having crushes on me. I was also shipped a lot. It felt awkward to say I wasn't in to them though. Also I have no idea why someone would have a crush on me.
  • In the state hospital, there are various people I like to call "zebras" due to their bodies being covered in scars from cutting themselves. We get along and enjoy making jokes about suicide and cutting ourselves.
  • I've met a couple artists, and they've taught me how to improve on anime. They're pretty much my closest friends there.
  • I ran into someone from my school and someone I met in partial. The guy from partial is my current roommate (he's cool, but I still prefer having my own room).
  • Finally, while I did mention that there are some pretty shitty staff, there have also been some cool ones. Two of them taught me the basics of playing the piano and ukulele, respectively, and I already told my mom to order me one online (they are surprisingly cheap).
Despite that note, this has honestly been a horrible experience, and I just don't see it getting better. I'm actually hoping to get out of the hospital sooner since I see no way it is being helpful (though I doubt it will happen). But who knows, whenever I'm officially discharged maybe I'll feel just a tad better.
I usually don't do my best helping the people with words, I prefer giving my best hug, a kiss or an affection all day long. However, I wish the best for you and if you need a friend, you can talk to me, I am with you!
 
Alright just felt like I would give an update....


So some people were confused about the whole "blaming for dead dog" thing. Basically my "friend" was making horrible jokes about my dog's death due to the kero the wolf situation as a way to mock my furry crap... but now that's cleared up so the update...

I've been doing a bit better, I joined my local neighborhood furry group, and they are some of the nicest and most supportive people I've ever met. Spending time with these people have really helped with my general stress as I have someone to talk to when it comes to social problems, but I'm still having trouble getting over my old friends who I lost throughout the process of revealing my true self to them, which really hurts. I'm sure Ill get over it sometimes if the support of this wonderful group continues.
 
Alright just felt like I would give an update....


So some people were confused about the whole "blaming for dead dog" thing. Basically my "friend" was making horrible jokes about my dog's death due to the kero the wolf situation as a way to mock my furry crap... but now that's cleared up so the update...

I've been doing a bit better, I joined my local neighborhood furry group, and they are some of the nicest and most supportive people I've ever met. Spending time with these people have really helped with my general stress as I have someone to talk to when it comes to social problems, but I'm still having trouble getting over my old friends who I lost throughout the process of revealing my true self to them, which really hurts. I'm sure Ill get over it sometimes if the support of this wonderful group continues.
I'm glad things are going better now for you, and it's always great to make new friends.
Yes I check my news feed every so often, not all the time but often. But still glad things are getting better now though, even though I am not really a furry myself!
 

Havens

Rip Mafia Champ Banner
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I suppose if I'm actually going to go through with this, I'll share my story in "short", point summaries. In this bullet, I'll attempt to explain the thoughts on my mind, but I'm going to introduce the background of how I came to be then really explain the pain in another post later on, so bear with me please...

If you've interacted with me on PS! at all, you could probably guess that I'm not exactly the best with people. Growing up, it had always been that way, and my own parents struggled with people as well. On one end, my father didn't have much of a paternal figure growing up; his father (my grandfather) left him when he was 5, and his mother (my grandmother) was an alcoholic. He also had two sisters (my aunts), one of which has now passed from pancreatic cancer and another who dissociates with my father, taking up the same role as my grandmother who was alcoholic. Often my father was the only one who, at an early age did his best to provide himself with a proper education, but even that led to providing for the remainder of the family as he had to take on the role of having 4 part-time jobs, even using that to support himself through college to which his sisters never entertained the idea of getting that education for themselves, and estranged themselves as a result. My mother on the other hand came from an incredibly large family in the Phillipines; a military family though with my second grandfather being an Admiral for the Phillipine Air Force. However, when she was younger, her father was rather stern and abusive on his children, especially his daughters, essentially training them to stay strong through any means necessary. When it came the time for my mother to complete her graduation, she left to the States to become a nurse, to heal those who have been hurt, though she could never find it to mend the scars of her own past. Take the backgrounds of these two souls, have them fall in love and create me with the same hopeful ideology, mixed with the general distrust of the family that was supposed to be their guiding light, and the fear of being forgotten; well it seems that I've followed suit in those paths.

It was difficult to make friends throughout my childhood; as the general distrust of my parents between everyone else made it so that I had to "pick and choose" who to be good friends with, or else they'd turn their backs on me like "all the rest." Absolutely no fear there, right? It didn't matter for most of Elementary and Middle School though; most of the people I had attempted to interact with didn't pay much attention to what I had to say anyways; just small chatter and they'd go back to their own cliques. The few people I had the pleasure of calling friends though soon turned disinterested in me, had to move, or were generally too busy with their lives to make time to at least, say hello. I simply came to accept it as "the way people are", and kept to myself. Nothing noteworthy came of this early childhood, except my obsession with music. I joined band in 6th grade and picked up a Clarinet for the first time; my teacher considered me a prodigy for my age, but my aloof modesty brushed it off as nothing more than hard work. The other students also could agree, but I doubt so since no one actually came up to me and complimented me on that. Flash Forward to a couple days before I leave Middle School, the High School band director approached our Music class in efforts to recruit 8th graders for the High School Marching Band. By this time, I had auditioned and performed with the All-State Middle School Ensemble twice and was awarded as the principal Clarinetist twice, formally recognized as the Concert Master. At that point in my life, I was never as determined to succeed at anything as I was with my passion for music, but I took a leap and joined that next summer. The costs were high, and my parents didn't have the money to spend, so I started to partake in weekly jobs such as babysitting the neighbor's children and pets, or mowing the lawn for the opportunity to pay off what I wanted. During that summer, I also rediscovered my old DS and picked up Pokemon Emerald for the first time since Elementary School, since there wasn't exactly anyone to hang out with during that span.

By the time I entered my freshman year of High School, it was an unfamiliar feeling. I had completed my first full Summer Band Camp, and people actually cared enough to know who I was. It was still challenging, since no one was still willing to hold a full length conversation with me, but I saw this as progress when it came to people. It would also be the year where I'd actually have my first phone and Social Media accounts (I could've asked for a phone earlier but until then I never found a reason to have one, until I discovered that fast communications between the Marching Band were between Facebook). I still didn't care much about technology; actually I came to develop the idea that this stuff pulls people more apart then it ever does together, so I often had my iPhone sitting in my room switched off most of the time. It wasn't like anyone would call or text me anyways, even though I did get a few phone numbers from the Clarinet section just in case it was ever needed.

It was also this year that I'd be formally introduced to a similar soul to mine (Let's call her Selena; not her actual name). I had known her throughout Middle School through music class, so it wasn't a total stranger, but I faintly remember whispers of other classmates comparing her as my musical rival, playing the Tenor Sax. She came from a similar mental background as me, not having that many connections and feeling isolated from the rest of society. I didn't talk to her that much before then, until we were walking opposite ways on the stairwell when she broke a heel and fell on my back. Selena ended up spraining her ankle and managed to cut my head open, so I ended up carrying her to the infirmary with blood dripping on my face while feeling faint from the open cut. It turned out that the sprained ankle she suffered ended up becoming a stress fracture, and me figuring that it would be the end of that school day for her and I, I used my phone for once to call my parents and tried to see if I could accompany her to the hospital. Neither answered and I left anyways, even though they were a bit upset that I accompanied someone to the hospital in my condition on my own power, without their approval. It was also on a Thursday, which was a Marching Band rehearsal, so I left a message for my section leader describing the situation and explained that I wouldn't be available for that rehearsal evening. It took 15 minutes or so to get to the hospital, and another 4 hours to wait for the doctors to accurately define her prognosis (kinda ridiculous it took 4 hours really), though the time spent when she wasn't getting examined for her fracture, I had the nerve to break some ice with someone for once, just chatting about life, how she was doing, what we were both interested in, how we got into music, and so forth. This kept going until 9 pm or so, my parents arrived to take me home, all the while looking exhausted from their work days. The hospital also happened to be 45 minutes away from the house, which equated to about 2 hours away from each of their workplaces, so they were noticeably angry at me being here.

By the time I got home, I was grounded for about a month and was yelled at for going to the hospital to help someone; it kept me up all night and left me groggy for school the next day. This was around the point where my family and I were seeing eye to eye less as I began the pursuit of who I wanted to become, and we started becoming disconnected from one another. Between my father's hard days, my mother's on-and-off work between a registered nurse (day shifts, night shifts, or both), and my own future and plans to look forward too, it was starting to spell discord between the small family that I had, and showed that their own problems with people had deeply affected their mindset and I was starting to take notice, and I knew that I should change for the better, though I knew it wasn't an easy road ahead. One of the best things about that night, was that at that time, for as long as I can remember, Selena actually enjoyed my company, and was most likely the first "friend" I had, and to my recollection, the first person that wasn't family to say "Thank you" and mean it.

I suppose this is where I stop for now; that just about covers the kind of isolated background I had growing up, but the next post I'll have will really explain the expanse of emotional turmoil that I've felt up to this point.

Thank you for being patient.
 
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ehT

:dog:
is a Contributor to Smogon
[rant]

I don't talk about this very much, but PTSD fucking sucks. I was diagnosed this summer, but I've had it for a lot longer, and I've just not been able to live a normal life since. I've lost my job and I've forgotten how to take care of myself. It's hard to leave the house alone. Frankly I probably shouldn't, cause if I have a panic attack in public (I've had a few close calls) then I won't have help. I'm just so much less independent and it's humiliating. I'm jealous of people who say that their traumas made them stronger or better people, because honestly, the exact opposite feels true for me. Something broke inside me the day I got hurt. Not a day goes by where I don't think about it. It's almost at the point where I'm bored while thinking about the worst thing that ever happened to me, just cause my brain refuses to go anywhere else. I just wish I knew how to move on.
 
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Well, I never thought I would try writing this out, especially not for smogon.

Hey, Im Zovrah. A non outside of OMs, nearly a non there too. Ive been dealing with depression for the past, idk, 6 months? I was officially diagnosed three weeks ago, but Ive known for a while what was wrong with me. I spent all the time feeling weighed down, far more crying than Ive ever done in the span of a few short weeks. What happened?

I lost maybe the only person I can ever say I loved.

No, theyre not dead. I havent completely lost them yet, really. But I may as well have. I'm trying to hold on but... Let me tell you a story.

A 12 year old hispanic boy, fresh out of the foster care system. Hes happy hes out, because he missed his two younger brothers (his oldest younger brother was with him) and his foster parents werent nice. But still, he doesnt really feel okay. His family isnt whole, his grandma, aunt, and mom are at constant odds with each other, using him as a midway (his dad hadnt been seen since he was four). Theyre angry at each other, and throw their thoughts all on him when he frankly couldnt care about their disagreements. He just wants to be left alone. He knows hes smarter, more mature than those his age. He doesnt understand why that means he has to carry the weight of keeping them from tearing his family apart.

He has to leave, too. New state for a new start, hes told. He doesnt feel the connections he has are very strong, but he felt accepted. He had friends. He didnt want to try to make new ones. Hed had to go through that struggle far too many times before.

The moment they arrive, another argument breaks out. His grandma decides shes leaving. He decides the adults in his life just arent worth the trouble.

School starts up. He doesnt expect to stay the full year, even less the one after. He plans to keep to himself, not make connections so he doesnt have to deal with breaking them so soon.

But god fucking dammit, when have plans ever followed through?

It started with a guy I hung around with. We had the same bus stop. I was the new kid who knew no one and he was the guy who knew everyone but didnt really hang with anyone. I don’t really remember what we bonded over, but we did. I figured he was a safe friend, with him being an 8th grader, it would be no surprise to lose him come summer. It was going to be short-lived, we both knew. We were okay with that.

Most of the time we spent together was before and after school, since we didn’t have classes together; only a bus ride. I always just sort of stood there when he was talking to friends he had on the bus. I didn’t really want to engage, but he introduced me anyway. It was a few guys and a girl whos name I wouldn’t learn the pronunciation of for a few weeks. For the sake of not having to use names, I’ll simply use “Her” when appropriate.


Her and I didn’t really talk much for the next few weeks. I usually set next to her on the school bus, cause my friend and I enjoyed sitting on parallel seats instead of next to each other. It wasn’t until an odd couple of days where my friend was repeatedly absent that we got to talking. It was easy, I never really had much issue talking to people regardless of gender. After a while I not so subtly started hinting that we exchange phone numbers, as my friend was an unresponsive texter and Her and I hardly talked outside when we were on the bus. After complaining about that for a bit, she offered Her number (again, neither of us terribly subtle) and I accepted.


It didn’t take long for me to realize I’d found an amazing friend.


I wish I’d known then how important they’d become.


We talked. A lot. I learned more about her than I thought was possible for that short span of time. And to this day, despite the good friends I’ve made in my time on ps and smogon, I still think there isn’t really anyone who knows me like they do.

The end of the year came. By then we each thought the other as our best friend. But for the first time in several months that school year, I dreaded going to school. It was the last day of the year and, for me, that meant it could very well be the last time I could see them. I didn’t want to have to leave. But I went anyway, keeping the mindset that I was going to enjoy this day with them, regardless of whether or not it was our last. I got on the bus and they weren’t there. When I got to school I immediately went off looking for Her. It took a while but eventually someone ran up from behind me and gave me a hug. No one but Her would do that. I turned around and I was stunned. I always thought she was pretty, but our school had a uniform that I’d never seen her out of. It was the last day of the year though, so no one cared. She was genuinely beautiful, I could see now.

It was then, that exact moment, that I knew.

She wasn’t a friend.

I knew I had fallen for Her.

The rest of the day was fantastic, but I got home and couldnt help but cry. I had no way to be sure I wasn’t moving away during the summer, and I didn’t get to tell her how I felt. We talked all summer and that fear that I would leave never left.

I ended up moving anyway, but luckily with enough pestering my mother I could go to the same school.

Fast forward to about… exactly December 8th. Great year up till then, had some trouble towards the beginning with not riding the bus and such, but our friendship had only gotten stronger. December 8th one of our conversations had somehow (I don’t remember) gotten to the topic of how all our friends enjoyed the idea of us being together. One thing led to another and I confessed. Even before that point platonic love was always there. I told her I loved her, her response was “I know.” I clarified that no, I really loved her. I was in love with her. She freaked out, predictably, before telling me she felt the same. I had never been happier than before that point.

So we were finally together, and that year is undeniably the best of my life. I helped her get a little more out of her shell, become a more confident person. Realize what she’s capable of, become more comfortable in her own skin. She did the same for me. I stopped being someone who loathed being outside of their home, who was less worried about trying to be the person others would expect me to be and be me instead. And I loved knowing that I had helped her towards becoming the best version of herself she could be. It made me feel like for once I meant something to someone, someone who wasn’t nearly obligated to care. That I was worth something, that if I was gone it would really matter to someone who wasn’t family. I was happy because I could make someone else happy.

Her parents made it hard for us to see each other.

She said she noticed another guy and that was enough grounds to end things.

She said she was wrong and wanted to try fixing things, like I suggested.

Her parents got in the way again.

She said she still cared and she didn’t want me to disappear from her life.

She said that maybe now wasn’t really our time and maybe we could try again in the future.

It hurt, but just being able to be her friend was better than nothing.

I didn’t need to be hers to help her be happy.

A few months later we made plans to see each other.

A few days before hand I was taken in by the state for a week. When I got out and into foster care, it was too late to see her again. She was going on vacation in 3 days and had no time. Something happened over there and that changed things. I know what happened, I just havent figured out why it caused what it did. But when she came back, she said she wasn’t ready to see me. A few weeks after that, she disappeared.

I was worried out of my mind, because that wasn’t like her, to disappear without word. After a week I contacted her mother, got word that they were on another trip and she didn’t have her phone. That helped me relax, cause she hadn’t had a phone all summer. I forgot what happened though, and the panic set in again. I started cutting. I reached out to old acquaintances I hadn’t really spoken to in months, trying to get any word that she was okay, that nothing had happened.

I found out she was testing me.

That was the first genuinely suicidal episode I had.

She came back after a month and I couldn’t stay mad. She said she had heard how I was on the verge of suicide and that made her feel awful and that she was sorry and could never be forgiven for what she’d done. And I couldnt stay angry. I just wanted it to be over.

Things seemed to get better from there but I dont know what happened because they got worse again.

Three weeks ago I had another episode and I wrote out a note. I carry it around everywhere because I don’t want it to be found and because I don’t know that I won’t use it.

Everyone tells me to let go, but I tried that. Things got worse. Ive given it a lot of thought and I really truly believe that I need to fix things. Even if it can never be truly repaired, if it does end, I can’t let it end like this. I think that fixing things is the only thing that can help me feel okay again.

So that’s my story, I guess. I left out a lot but nothing that’s really key.

Shoutouts to the hba bois, you know who you are. You've been there to listen since the start, and I don't understand how, but even if you guys are unequipped to truly help me, you have nonetheless.

Thanks for listening.
 
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Stratos

formerly Pwnemon
is a Tiering Contributor
Damn dude, I just read that whole thing and IDK if you want to hear advice but I'm gonna post it anyway. Forgive me if I make too many assumptions.

Our situations aren't the exact same but I totally know how it feels to be a 14/15 (did I get the timeline right?) year old who doesn't have an intrinsic sense of self worth. It sounds like you're looking at your relationship with this girl as proof that you have value. And when the relationship is going through a rough patch, you think it reflects on your worth as a person, or rather, lack thereof. Even in a stable relationship, this is unsafe and unhealthy, but this relationship frankly doesn't sound particularly stable on either side.

From what you've said, I'm pretty confident she isn't attracted to you anymore, but she still cares about you, and she started playing these games because she didn't want to have this difficult conversation. When your friends tell you that you need to move on, they're right. There's nothing you can do to put the attraction genie back in the bottle once it's out. And I'll clarify that there are a million reasons she could have stopped being attracted to you that are entirely not your fault. Her evaluation of you is not the same as the truth. Saying you've lost her puts the blame on you, which is blame you don't necessarily deserve. She chose to leave for any number of reasons, and they may not have anything to do with you.

Thing is, that's totally fine. First of all, there's so much more to your worth as a person than your ability to find a mate. Frankly, platonic friendships are more valuable than romantic ones, because you don't have all that pheromone shit muddying the waters. Though if you aren't convinced (I wouldn't have been at your age) then I have further good news for you.

Like I said, it seems like she still cares about you, and you mention having a lot of friends on Showdown, so I doubt you have a repellent personality. And as a man, as long as you take care of yourself, you'll only continue to get more attractive into your early thirties. So don't worry, because time is quite frankly on your side when it comes to finding romantic love until you're double your current age. Even if this is the only person you've loved so far, statistics say it's incredibly unlikely that you'll never find someone to replace her. Relationships (both platonic and romantic) come and go all the time. When a relationship is in the "go" phase it can hurt, but the time you put in wasn't wasted or lost, and another one will come soon enough.

I'm glad that it sounds like you're seeking help, since you mentioned an official diagnosis. Please keep that up. Double please stop cutting. And obviously triple please don't kill yourself. Hope these words were some comfort, you can make it dude.
 
Hey there everyone, I am not posting a lot on Smogon Forums due to various reasons (mostly homework), but I am so glad there is a topic about depression, because I myself had some terrible experiences, in separate years.

NOTE: I am actually free from this demon, but I still feel the need to tell my story to people.

Enough, let's go.

First incident: 4 years ago, 2015

I had just entered middle school, when I was 13 years old. I was just a simple and quiet nerdy kid, just ignored by many people and being a very good studend (I was called a wonderkid by my teachers in elementary), until some bullies started to pick on me, because of one major reason: I was emotionally sensitive and reacted poorly to insults. This started once as simple taunting, but then people started spawning false rumours about me, such as being gay (chants like "Peter is gay" were rampant even though I am not gay) or, even worse, autistic and retarded, insults that still haunt me to the present day. (there is nothing wrong with autistic people, I personally know some who are very good and friendly people). The worst part of this experience was when I was invited to a party for one main reason: to be the punching bag, as I suffered terrible abuse at the hands of all the douchebags that were my classmates.

What made it worse was the fact that some teachers were against me as well, one of them outright saying that I must be transferred to a special needs school due to my somewhat spastic reactions I had at the time. In fact, that teacher deliberately dropped my grade just to make me look like a total fool. I still feel angry about this particular person, but I don't express it out loud. Besides, she was not mean to me the following years.

In general, teachers would not believe me about the bullying, because when you see a kid that is considered a retard crying, who is the culprit according to them?

I had virtually no friends back then, forcing me to stay inside home for a long time, which concerned my parents a lot. They did not know anything about it, so they were desperate to learn, but I refused to do so. This led to depression, which culminated in the development of another demon I faced for 4 years ever since starting, internet and gaming addiction, very severe at the starting point as I was literally sitting 12-14 hours at the computer, at one point even until 3-4 AM. These were horrible times.

Luckily, I made a friend who helped me endure this, as at that point I had developed suicidal thoughts (I told him even once "I AM GONNA KILL MYSELF".). After a day I was beaten up by a jock and embarrased in front of the entire school (I was the laughing stock of the school), he called my parents to inform everything going on. Then, I admitted everything was going on, prompting my father to contact a teacher who was a family friend and highly supportive of me to end this hell. The results of this was punishments for all the bullies, especially the main one, who was leading the pack, and a slow return to my normal life, after putting myself and my family into emotional turmoil.

My life would go back to normal, especially after overcoming internet addiction in late 2017.

However, this is not the end. Separate incident indeed, but what I am gonna say still haunts me in an even worse way.

Second incident: Late 2018-Early to Mid 2019

Remember when teachers called me a wonderkid and a top student? Well, in High School, these days faded away. As a result of internet addiction, I neglected my schoolwork in 10th grade, causing my grades to slip. At that point, I realised that I wanted to leave my current focus in schoolwork (I was a physics student, but I decided to go to economics in order to become a programmer), which caused me to shift entirely my focus. However, in the beginnings of 11th grade, I was forced to go to the physics class due to lack of an economics class for 11th graders, as the physics clash would split into two in 12th grade, physics and economics (I am currently in the latter).

I had told to myself that this would be the year that I would improve and stop the bullshit of the previous years. However, the opposite would happen due to my mental health literally collapsing. I will tell what would exactly happen during my worst ever school year, in all factors.

As I told before, I am quite a geek who loves non-mainstream stuff, am friends with pretty much every geek of my school community and would like to see a geeky girl show up. So, when I saw one particular girl that I had actually forgotten her existence in the previous years but would remember her later as one who would much my type, -surprise, surprise-, I fell in love with her at literally first sight.

My feelings at first were euphoric, and I was ecstatic, hoping that I would finally start a real relationship (I was obviously single, and still am, because which girl in a mainstream and conforming community like mine whould want the school geek?). However, they started to get too distracting, as I literally wasted lots of time thinking about her instead of doing important stuff, like schoolwork, which set off a terrible decline that I will explain right now.

Well, lemme tell you guys that I had to keep that crush a secret from everyone, except for a few trusted friends of mine. I have my reasons about this.

First, it is in my family. You see, that girl is originally from Albania, and this certain country is hated to most people of my country Greece, due to some stereotypes about crime existing. My parents are no exception to this, as they say that they are all evil backstabbers. The backlash I would recieve from my own family to liking someone from a "dreaded" country is obvious, so I kept my mouth shut when they asked me if I was crushing on anyone. They still don't know about my past feelings, and they will never learn.

Second, it is in my school in general. The class she is a part of has VERY close bonds, to the point they are like a fucking brotherhood or cult, and they are highly critical of students from the other classes. (same grade, but split evenly into 4 classes, all students there) Which meant that I was denied access to her class and try to approach her. Add my reputation as a highly controversial person, and this increased the difficulty of the situation. Also, it is worth mentioning that if something about love leaks around them, they WILL spread it everywhere.

Lastly, it was inside me. I am personally a very socially awkward and shy person, ESPECIALLY around girls, I simply did not possess the guts to speak to them out of fear of humilitation and failure. This is perhaps the biggest factor, since this forced me to keep it a secret all along from the school. Every time I attempted to speak to a girl, I would start stuttering and fail to even say a word. This happened every time she would be near me. Often my friends would speak so I would avoid slipping up and potentially ruining everything. A pain in the ass indeed, but was enough to not allow her to suspect anything about my odd and somewhat erratic behavior. (I would often sweat and get a hypertention everytime I made eye contact).

This emotional turmoil combined with my inability to adapt into schoolwork again started to take its toll on my mental health, which was starting to become more and more fragile every day.

My schoolwork problem in fact caused me to write some extremely awful grades, including failing a physics test and even being at risk of failing to even get past the lesson in first place. This caused me to have some really awful arguments with my parents, which led to me yelling at them and feeling like a total piece of junk that would fail in his life. Suicidal thoughts momentarily came back, but I stopped them. But this was not the real problem.

I had in general a real anger problem caused by my shitty mental state, which led me lashing out very violently, such as smashing stuff (I broke my keys and a shelf during these breakdowns), yelling very vulgar profanities and even threatening to beat up the world and such. I was not myself at that point, I was a monster. I would ruin my relationships with my family, treat my friends like scum, ignore everything in life and all the bad things you would expect from a person in this situation.

Then, a few months later, my already fragile mentality would collapse entirely...

After months of contemplating to tell my crush about my feelings in order to end this hell (I had frequent dreams about her, in one case 4 dreams in 4 successive days), I decided to finally admit it. A decision that I still regret.

I would step inside her class (with some help from my best friend due to being on the verge of getting a stress attack), ignore her toxic classmates, approach her (with help from one of her classmates that actually was a friend of mine), take her outside and finally say it.

And then, the inevitable happened: She rejected me, causing my inner word to collapse...

As for the consequenses, imagine how I would lash out, but far worse...

My sadness had hit a breaking point, until one day I finally snapped. One day that my sister pissed me off, I went ultra psychotic, starting to throw stuff everywhere, cursing in a horrible manner (even blasphemous insults that I heavily regret saying) and moving spastically while threatening to attack everyone. In the end, I started to cry loudly, screaming for this hell to end and asking for help. When my mother asked me what was bothering me, I would not answer why. In fact, I did not know why I was screaming for help. Only recently I realized that I snapped due to my inability to come to terms with the rejection as well as my personal anger for virtually ruining my life.

After this incident, I spoke to my friends about the severity of my situation and gave them a heart-felt apology for my past mistakes and behavior. They would help me come to terms with my situation and my feelings and allow me to remove depression for good.

The month after the end of the school year, I was finally free from this demon and started to restore everything I had runed during my depression stint, from interacting better with my family to improving my schoolwork and the such.

During holidays, I had some nasty flashbacks about all of this, along with dreams about my now former crush, but I overcame them after realizing that it is pointless to fight against them.

Present day: I am currently very happy, as my life is going forward to better stuff. I am a better student, a good friend and a good and cooperative family member. About that certain girl as well as my bullying experience, everything is just a distant memory of the past.

For all of those with similar stories with me, you are not and will never be alone. Always find someone to be at your side because this will guide you to freedom. I hope all you guys on this topic will understand me, even though it is not the most severe depression case you will see.
 
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Hey hey hey, kind of a rushed update (on phone and its late so sorry if my wording is off or w.e). I've still been doing the therapy / counseling sessions w.e and it's honestly helping a lot. We've gotten down to basically the root of my issues which goes back to like home environment and the way I've internalized certain things and how I externally react to stuff.

Anyway I can go on forever about this but the biggest thing is for the past week or so I've had pretty much 0 anxiety attacks!!! This is actually pretty surprising and new since I'd usually get an attack at least once a day but things that usually trigger it are not triggering it.

Man, I'm honestly really happy and hope things remain this way. It's so much easier to function and get through the day without anxiety.

3 months since I've started therapy and I've gotten rid of severe suicidal thoughts and anxiety (hopefully!!!!!). Now the next thing to work on is discipline and general motivation. I got a plan for that too. Might update this post w specific details sometime later this week. I just wanted to post this because I'm really happy with my progress and wanted to let others know that it is possible to get through these things

Big shoutouts to my man FlamingVictini , I actually learn a lot about myself whenever we talk and come out of it smarter. Love u bro

Ps: as always my discord pms are open if anyone needs to talk / vent / wants advice on anything at all. It's better to talk to someone, anone than to keep your feelings bottled up.

Good luck to anyone else struggling with mental health issues. Don't give up. Damn there's actually a lot I want to say now regarding dealing w suicidal thoughts and anxiety attacks so ig I'll make a post w how i dealt w em sometime this weekend. But seriously don't give up. U guys rock
Damn my last post was in march 2018. Going through my posts in this thread was a nice reminder of everything I had been through. My first post was Oct 2016 where the struggles began but I thought I was too cool for therapy, then December 2017 where I pretty much fucked up real bad, and then again in March where things kind of got better. Well, here's an update:

- Summer 2018: my longtime gf broke up with me which devastated me. That summer was really hard but the thing that made me really happy was that I didn't totally relapse into suicidal thoughts or major depression. I felt like I was dealing with it in a mature and healthy way (well not really but at least I didnt wanna kill myself). I've had suicide issues for a while so not having to deal with that was extremely refreshing and empowering

- Fall 2018: business as usual. School school school which was really tough buuuuuuuuut I was actually pretty disciplined this time. Doing (most of my) homework on time, studying properly and efficiently, procrastinating less, etc. I had 1 bad week where I procrastinated hard on a paper but my prof gave me some leeway and let me submit it late. This was the first semester in a long time where I got a bunch of A's. Felt awesome. Also, started dating this wonderful girl who gave me something to look forward to daily.

- Spring 2019: same as above but a LOT less fuck ups. I was pretty on top of my shit which I was really proud of. And guess what bros? I graduated!!!!!!!!!! There's a special kind of pride in graduating as a first-gen college student but also because of how difficult this journey was for me. Multiple times throughout my 4 years, I was told by my advisor, therapists, counselos, etc etc that a break is best. I should consider dropping out or taking a semester off. But I was able to get my shit together and get my degree. With a gpa I can be happy with on top of that. Also, I ended stuff with ^ girl and got back with my ex and our relationship is now 100x healthier

- Now: My relationship with my family and friends have improved immensely, my relationship w my gf has been pretty wonderful, I recently started a new job that I love, and I honestly feel like I'm in in control of my life.

I remember the days where I'd think "maybe i'll have to live with depression forever", "yeah whatever it's just something i have to deal with", "it's a part of me". Happy to tell you guy that it's not. I truly genuinely believe that I'm no longer depressed. It's honestly an absurd change because I was SO used to waking up every morning feeling so drained, not looking forward to the day, dreading talking to people, you name it. I was so used to procrastinating on this and that, feeling sad or empty for seemingly no reason, having random emotional outbursts or mood swings when my body felt like it. But today, things are better, life is better, I am better.

I wanted to make this post not only to mention my progress and how happy I am about it, but to also inform those who are struggling that there is hope. You won't always live like this and it does get easier and eventually better. However, you need to work for it. Much easier said than done since it takes literally every fiber of your being to move forward.

That being said, I'm not 100% cured or 100% mentally healthy. Depression and anxiety are separate things and I still gotta deal with the anxiety. I still get small waves and mild panic attacks sometimes so it's something I'm working on.

I eventually wanna detail the changes I made to my life that I believe helped me become healthier but it'll take some time to gather my thoughts. There are tons of people struggling with exactly the same shit I did and when they talk to me about it I find it difficult to relate to. Crazy right? The depressed me was such a different person that I literally can't believe that was me right now.

Anyway, my #1 advice to those struggling is to talk to someone about it. Ideally a therapist because professional help is absolutely the best help you can get. I wanna go back to doing therapy (but i dont have health insurance rn haha america). If a therapist is not readily available, talk to a friend, a professor, a family member, anyone!

As always, my smogon pms / discord pms (obii#3532) are open for anyone who needs to vent, needs someone to talk to, or just needs someone to listen. My friends on this site, believe it or not, were a big part of me managing myself and not losing myself to those darker thoughts in the back of my head. It was comforting knowing that if I ever needed someone, they would be there. Special shoutouts to Finchinator for being the only dude online at like 3am when I had a panic attack and just talking to me til I was comfortable enough to sleep. Dude is always fucking on LOL

edit: HES LITERALLY ON READING THIS THE MOMENT I POSTED IT CMOOON
 
Largely inspired by my man obii’s post to write this, as I haven’t posted in this thread in at least a year either.

I was formally diagnosed with bipolar II disorder in May of 2018, and subsequently prescribed a small dosage of aripiprazole/abilify as a mood stabilizer. I’ve been taking it for the past year and a half, with my depressive episodes being almost completely left in the past.

Bipolar II disorder is largely characterized by mood swings and rapid cycling of moods (mania/hypomania and depression) at a quicker rate than normal bipolar disorder. This ultimately results in short periods of hypomania alternating with similarly short periods of depression, typically intense depression.

Throughout my life, I’d known I had depression, but I had always managed to rebound from my deflated moods thanks to the mood swings, so I never paid too much heed to what was happening. This pattern had occurred for years, and I’d grown to accept the depressive periods as part of my life. Gradually, the pangs and periods of depression grew worse and worse. In the weeks before I sought professional help, I was legitimately terrified at the state of my depression. I saw suicide on the not too distant horizon, as the pain and fear I was experiencing had grown to a level I’d never experienced before. The worst part was that there was no distinct trigger to the depressive episode I was having, which further terrified me. Prior to this, I’d always chalked up my depressive episodes to loneliness, grades in high school, my family’s situation, or other similar aspects of teenage angst. Now, the depression came seemingly out of nowhere, and it was far more intense than before. I somehow had good grades my first year of college and I was back at home with my friends, so I conceivably had no reason to be depressed, which only compounded the fear I felt. I thought my depression was inescapable, something I’d have to deal with my whole life. I had a panic attack after my family and I watched a PBS special over dinner about a celebrity from the 1960s who had a mental breakdown. I thought that would be me in the future. I saw no escape from what I was experiencing.

When I got the diagnosis from a psychiatrist shortly after, everything started to make sense. The sporadic feelings of euphoria and motivation coupled with lasting periods of profound depression finally had a root cause. The medication was a godsend as well, as my depressive episodes had finally abated after about a month of taking the aripiprazole.

I’m posting and sharing this because obii’s post left me with an immense feeling of elation and pride, as I’d come from that past beforehand, and the profound sense of relief and happiness relating to one’s mental stability is so incredibly satisfying. I’m struggling to articulate how beneficial even a minute facade of normalcy has been since i started taking the aripiprazole.

If you have the means, please see a psychiatrist or a therapist. Don’t live your life with something that’s treatable.

Thanks for reading.
 

Ashley

ACAB
is a Smogon Social Media Contributoris a Tiering Contributoris a Site Staff Alumnusis a Forum Moderator Alumnusis a Top Contributor Alumnus
I kinda disappeared for a week and haven't been very active in close to 2 months so I thought I'd explain my situation a little bit (also since I promised a few people to say something):

I was an inpatient at a mental hospital from the the 13th till the 20th. Originally I was supposed to do a partial hospitalization program but I had both a plan and intent to end my life. I had what I needed at the time to attempt suicide but I couldn't find a time or place to successfully do it, so I ended up using my intake appointment for partial to talk about that and they ended up moving me to a full hospitalization program. Besides really bad anxiety and bipolar 2 (not diagnosed at the time), I would constantly be on edge because I saw myself as "mentally inept" and "irredeemable" when even simple tasks seemed arduous and confusing to me. I also assumed that I had a very negative effect on people's lives seeing as how I'm awful at keeping friends and I was left out of most social settings. For a while I kept all of my issues and negative feelings to myself in fear that nobody would listen or take me seriously, especially considering how coming out as trans MtF has unfairly affected people's viewpoints on me. All of this in combination with some personal experiences I'm not comfortable talking about has confined me and caused me to build a mindset that my issues are my fault and were not meant to be heard.

The hospital I stayed at was unnerving for a couple days because of the poor condition and isolation I felt, and they did pretty much nothing about my gender identity problem besides brush it off as if it was nothing (couldn't shave either which was great for my dysphoria!). Most of the "recovery" I got from that place was hearing out other people and accepting my situation in a place where I at least could be safe. I also experienced a bit of a disconnect from reality, and again, spoke with other people since there was nothing else I could do. Those conversations were genuinely insightful, getting to meet people with different quirks and issues of their own and it really helped me with both social skills and looking past negative qualities of people, and maybe this place was the only real time I've gotten significant exposure to that sorta thing. I got a lot of time to meditate and see what works in terms of coping, and I spent a good week talking to people my age and pacing the small hallway and room I stayed in. In a weird way, I sorta met myself for the first time, analyzing my situations at home and seeing my characteristics in action without any outside influence. I also had time to think of my positive qualities, which were scarce but I was able to recall a couple instances where I REALLY meant something to someone by an action I committed, not just immediate family. Besides the couple friends I made, there wasn't much else I could hold on to during my stay. I took it upon myself to force out negative thoughts (journaling is great for this by the way), and start thinking more positively by honoring what limited achievements I had made, and finally I was diagnosed and put on medication. My condition slowly improved, and I also realized that I was able to push myself and make a difference, considering how codependent I always seemed to be.

I've been moved down to a partial program and so far it's been great! Everyone there is much more tolerant about my identity and encouraged me to celebrate it rather than work toward "correcting" it. Again, I sort of got to meet myself for the first time and see what works and makes me happy. Instead of being corrected or being given personal advice, people only acknowledged me and heard my issues, and to me that's all I could've ever wanted.

That's all I have to say really, and all I ask is that I've at least been heard. Thank you.
 

Mr.E

im the best
is a Pre-Contributoris a Past SPL Champion
Pfft, it's been way longer since I've posted here. Let's check... Oh, nevermind, I can't even check it must've been an older thread even. Shit.

Things haven't gotten any better for me. TL;DR past me had some trouble in school, got undeservingly kicked out of my career-minded program, salavaged a still respectable STEM degree out of everything because that's how I roll. Unfortunately, said degree hasn't actually led to a meaningful career yet as I continually get passed over for no discernable reason by every would-be employer in existence.

Anyway, social life also doesn't exist. Lack of social life makes it hard to cope with lack of career advancement. Thanks to a certain member of the RODAN clique who shall remain nameless (not for their own protection but because I literally don't remember who it was), earlier this year I started making the effort to "put myself out there." I have no friends, I want to make friends. I've never been out on a date before, and mind that I'm well into my 30's at this point, I want to find intimacy with a woman. I did all my research, even bought a crappy point-and-shoot camera because I don't have a modern smartphone, took some non-shitty pictures to start online dating.

I started in July after I came back from Anime Expo, which I posted in the pictures thread since I don't actually have anyone IRL to share with (other than my mom big whoop). I've been online dating for the past four months, using the term "dating" loosely because I haven't actually gone on any dates. I get virtually zero interest despite what is otherwise an objectively pretty good profile? I use strictly positive wording, my pictures are accurate and display me in a variety of situations rather than a bunch of blurry identical selfies, etc. I'm short but you can't even tell that through pictures so my biggest physical flaw is concealed, it's not like I'm hideously ugly.

Met a woman at my uncle's fundraising event at the end of August. Basically gave her a drive-by compliment... and she took it very well, according to my mother because apparently she works with the chick's mother and moms are nosy. Embarrassing, but I'm low-key elated knowing I had such a positive impression on someone. My mother goaded me into finally signing up for Facebook after 15 years of resisting so I could message her, okay fine I'll fucking do it. Wasted effort, she turned me down three times before I finally gave up because she clearly wants nothing to do with me. I don't understand how you have such a positive first impression of someone and then won't even spend an hour getting to know them? Is she so full on friends that she can't even be bothered to see if she could make another? Does she thinks she's so much better than me that I'm not worth knowing as a human being?

Anyway, point is I'm fucking trying to go out and do stuff and meet people. Beginning with Anime Expo, I've been putting significantly more effort into trying to be social than I ever have. I just gave up the fitness classes through my employer because unfortunately the only people I've met there are half a dozen women my mother's age. Good people, but not people I can build a social life through. I'm not merely desperate for a romantic partner, I'm legitimately trying to make friends with people too.

Wednesday I went out to a FRIENDS Trivia Night in a nearby town. Ultimately, the only people who exchanged words with me were the host, the bartender, and the person grading my answer sheets. It was a total bust of an evening. Tonight, I'm posting because I just got back from a speed dating event in Columbus and it went about as poorly as could be. The problem is... it didn't happen. I spent three hours driving back and forth, I wasted my entire fucking Saturday night, for an event that didn't occur. I figured if my online profiles are on point and I'm still getting no interest, there's a very real possibility it's simply because nobody is seeing my profiles because I live in too rural an area. I was so excited for tonight to actually meet people and get a real chance to prove my worth. But I didn't actually get that opportunity and I'm utterly devastated right now.

I think I'm going to call off work Monday and try to find a therapist because I don't think I can continue dealing with this loneliness anymore. Is there something wrong with me? I seriously don't think there is. I'm kind and empathetic, I'm honest and hardworking. I'm not ugly, I'm not a jerk. Maybe I'm boring but I think everyone can be fun in the right company, you just have to find the right people who have fun in the same way you do. Yet there must be something horribly wrong with me because it's a rare breed of folk who have this much trouble establishing literally any social connections with people. I can't even find someone willing to get to know me long enough to affirmatively reject me. I'd love to even get that far with someone, anyone, but it's like I'm completely invisible and I just don't understand.

Why am I reduced to this? Why is it others are so unfair to me and yet I'm the one stuck picking up the pieces? How is it the vast majority of people fall ass backwards into friends and lovers without even trying but I try so hard to stick my neck out there and meet people and get nothing in return? It's not like I'm hideously ugly, people don't cringe when they walk past me and treat me like a fairly normal person in casual interactions. I work with people just fine, I interact normally enough with people in forced social situations. But nobody wants to actually be my friend. I don't get invited anywhere. Nobody asks to do stuff with me and nobody is willing to tag along if I reach out. No woman has ever shown the slightest hint of physical interest in me, I'm utterly touch-starved. I long for someone to desire me. I've carried these burdens with me for too long now and I'm starting to crack at this point.

I've been incredibly depressed for an incredibly long time. I don't like using the word, though. Is there something wrong with me? I think it's perfectly logical to be sad about bad things happening in your life, it's not like I have a gross chemical imbalance in my brain. (Maybe I do anyway but who knows.) Will the search for therapy even help me with what I consider a purely practical problem? If a single human being gave a remote flying fuck about me, I wouldn't be so unhappy. If my career was going the way it should be with the amount of effort I put into my education and skills, I wouldn't be so unhappy. Life just fucking sucks and it isn't getting better for me.
 
I didn't actually read your whole post (sorry) [edit: in the end I did it, I am a lazy procrastinator, no excuses] but I'd like to touch on online dating and dating in general (edit: at least that was my intention...).You are well into your 30s while I'm at the beginning of my 20s but the dire situation remains the same.
People often mock how better one's life would be with someone on your side, having a rock to cling to when the tide desperately tries to push you away... I feel this and I think you do too (as a lot of other people in general). To put it more elegantly, we want a romantic relationship to fill an unfillable hole in our hearts.

But I digress, my point is that wanting a partner is perfectly normal. Sexual revolution had a plethora of different consequences, one of them is male's dating deteriorizing more and more in quality and quantity. I don't want to spend time talking about incels because this is not the place to do it, but if we stick to the literal definition of the word, the american survey association tells us that almost 1/3 of young american men are incapable of finding a loved one. This is quite troubling, indeed.

You confused a girl's genuine appreciation for a compliment for a romantic or even friendly interest. I know it sounds rude, but she clearly didn't want to be your friend let alone your girlfriend. Online dating is a complete disaster and I'm quite sure it's just hurting your already fragile mental health, chances are that if you are not at the top of the pyramid, it will only make you feel way more worthless than you already do. Internet is just gasoline poured on fire when it comes to dating and romantic relationships, I'd suggest anyone to stay away from it (unless they are females, but even then only if you want a nightstand).

Fuck online dating and profiles in general, they are quite literally useless. And I know that I'm not answering a way more important question: hey fucko you might be onto something but let's be real, HOW do you get to know other people in order to make friends, let alone girlfriends?

That, my friend, is a very good question. Once you are out of high school and university, social circles are already formed. Your chances were there and the easier path (yet not an easy one for everyone) was laid in front of you. Now, it's really fucking hard. I don't actually know how to help you since I myself am finding lots of difficulties in this regard. Work is an okay place to make friends I guess, but I have this constant fear that whatever is done is already done and we are just stranding around without any meaningful connection formed. I hope I am mistaken.

My message is quite confusionary I fear, and I hope you forgive my english since it's not my first language and it shows. It's not like I am giving you much hope which pragmatically speaking should be the best way to intervene in a topic dedicated to "depression" as a whole.
But I hate sugarcoating reality, and once you get a taste of the deeper layer you'll notice it is quite bleak, while people love telling that you should not judge a book by its cover, they do it pretty much all the time.

That is not to say there's nothing to save out of all of this, but I am a firm believer that putting things into perspective is quite important. After all, lots of people have it worse than you, but that doesn't mean your problems aren't real.
This post wanted to be more productive and advisable but I just ended up fucking it up while writing.
To be even more cynical and perhaps a little bit too harsh and simplicistic, your struggles are real and the obstacles are probably surmountable, but the path is riddled with pain and you can't do much but operate for your own good. After all, none can save oneself but himself. So buckle up for this wild ride called "life" and try to do your best. Something good will eventually come out, it's not gonna be easy, but it's better than nothing.

For a more pratical answer I suggest you to go see a psychologist/therapist, I fear prices are quite high there in the USA though. While it's a pretty hard search, Michael Labert demonstrated how one of the most important factors is the relationship between the patient and the psychologist. It won't magically solve every problem nor will it have an immediate effect, but I can assure you that if done right, it will help you.

You probably are an average person, with an average look and an average intelligence. That's probably why you are struggling so much and pondering why you have it so hard. A bunch of missed occasions, a bit of unluckiness, an introverted personality and the problematic cocktail is served.

The english language has this pretty cool expression called "muddling through". I believe its meaning encapsulates my message as a whole. One might even ask why I wrote a mutiple paragraph answer when one single phrasal verb said it all. Well, I never said I was a good writer...
 
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Mr.E

im the best
is a Pre-Contributoris a Past SPL Champion
I didn't confuse anything. I actually had no intention of pursuing anything with said woman until word got around and my mother goaded me into doing it. I'm just somewhat miffed that hey, this person had a very positive first impression of me (something I seem to struggle with because I'm pretty quiet and not very sociable/charismatic) and should logically be amenable to at least spending 30 minutes with me over coffee or ice cream or whatever getting to know me. I also did the "cool" low-commitment thing of inviting her to hang out for something I was already going to do myself anyway, no-show for that too. If I can't even get this person, someone who's had about as good a first impression of me as possible, to give me even that little opportunity -- it's not like I asked her to marry me off the bat, plus she's a local like me so time/distance is not an issue -- how the fuck do I meet anyone? How do people make friends at all, let alone enter romantic relationships, if everyone is so closed off to meeting new people?

It's like everyone my age has firmly established their social groups and is completely unwilling to even entertain the notion anyone new could possibly fit into their lives anymore. Of course, this is exactly where you went with the back end of your post so I'm basically just reiterating your own frustrations but yeah. Although honestly it's not even really that much of an age thing, it's not like I didn't try to make friends in college either. But by the time the end of Year 1 rolls around, though, college kids are as set in their ways as adults are. I wish I hadn't been a commuter from Day 1, by the time I started trying to hang out on campus after classes in Year 3 I was already doomed. People in general just suck.

The gaming club slowly died as I joined it and I remained the only person invested in making it work. One member was in all my same classes (after I had switched majors), had largely the same interests, and yet still wanted nothing to do with me despite me actively trying to befriend him outside of a school context. I attended Smash tournies for three years and maybe made what I could consider to be one friend, and that was only after goading him to fulfill a promise he made to partner with me in Doubles for over a year. Once he finally gave me a chance, he was all like hey you're pretty great wtf why does nobody like you, but that was at the very end of our Smash "careers" and we haven't seen each other since our last event. The one chance at a relationship I might have had (ever) with this girl I talked with between classes sometimes I wasn't yet in the mindset of seeking romance yet, so I didn't even think about pursuing her at the time (in hindsight, my biggest regret in life).

Immediately after getting home, I did of course contact the host of the speed dating event. Apparently there was a miscommunication regarding it being rescheduled (aka cancelled) and I never received the alleged email send out detailing that. So, I'm tentatively rescheduled for an event on Dec 7. If it was an honest mistake I guess I can't be too angry, but it still doesn't get my past Saturday night back and I feel like I'm getting a raw deal attending an event between Thanksgiving and Christmas now. People got family shit to deal with, are they going to be as open to dating at this time? This weekend was my last opportunity to do something before the holiday season really hits its stride. Edit: Also, my haircut won't be fresh anymore.
 
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chimp

Link Together With All
I didn't confuse anything. I actually had no intention of pursuing anything with said woman until word got around and my mother goaded me into doing it. I'm just somewhat miffed that hey, this person had a very positive first impression of me (something I seem to struggle with because I'm pretty quiet and not very sociable/charismatic) and should logically be amenable to at least spending 30 minutes with me over coffee or ice cream or whatever getting to know me. I also did the "cool" low-commitment thing of inviting her to hang out for something I was already going to do myself anyway, no-show for that too. If I can't even get this person, someone who's had about as good a first impression of me as possible, to give me even that little opportunity -- it's not like I asked her to marry me off the bat, plus she's a local like me so time/distance is not an issue -- how the fuck do I meet anyone? How do people make friends at all, let alone enter romantic relationships, if everyone is so closed off to meeting new people?

It's like everyone my age has firmly established their social groups and is completely unwilling to even entertain the notion anyone new could possibly fit into their lives anymore. Of course, this is exactly where you went with the back end of your post so I'm basically just reiterating your own frustrations but yeah. Although honestly it's not even really that much of an age thing, it's not like I didn't try to make friends in college either. But by the time the end of Year 1 rolls around, though, college kids are as set in their ways as adults are. I wish I hadn't been a commuter from Day 1, by the time I started trying to hang out on campus after classes in Year 3 I was already doomed. People in general just suck.

The gaming club slowly died as I joined it and I remained the only person invested in making it work. One member was in all my same classes (after I had switched majors), had largely the same interests, and yet still wanted nothing to do with me despite me actively trying to befriend him outside of a school context. I attended Smash tournies for three years and maybe made what I could consider to be one friend, and that was only after goading him to fulfill a promise he made to partner with me in Doubles for over a year. Once he finally gave me a chance, he was all like hey you're pretty great wtf why does nobody like you, but that was at the very end of our Smash "careers" and we haven't seen each other since our last event. The one chance at a relationship I might have had (ever) with this girl I talked with between classes sometimes I wasn't yet in the mindset of seeking romance yet, so I didn't even think about pursuing her at the time (in hindsight, my biggest regret in life).

Immediately after getting home, I did of course contact the host of the speed dating event. Apparently there was a miscommunication regarding it being rescheduled (aka cancelled) and I never received the alleged email send out detailing that. So, I'm tentatively rescheduled for an event on Dec 7. If it was an honest mistake I guess I can't be too angry, but it still doesn't get my past Saturday night back and I feel like I'm getting a raw deal attending an event between Thanksgiving and Christmas now. People got family shit to deal with, are they going to be as open to dating at this time? This weekend was my last opportunity to do something before the holiday season really hits its stride.
I kinda feel like I am in a similar boat to you. Though, I just graduated college. And, the transition was hard, because I liked living on my own, and I did have a few friends, so moving back home wasn't exactly my ideal situation. The thing that sucks the most is that there is nothing going on around here. I live in a very suburban area. Lots of traffic congestion and barely anything for 'adults.' Fortunately I live relatively close to Philadelphia, so there are plenty of things to do there, but its expensive and out of the way and I hardly can work up the energy. My point is, I do not really have any friends. My brothers all have pretty tight friend groups but I literally have no one near me to hang out with. I regret not getting involved more in high school, because there were so many opportunities to get into an in-group that I completely missed. I just have never been the kind of person to ask others to hang out. Always felt like I was burdening them or that my presence wasn't wanted. Its tough trying to make friends because there is nothing to do. I tried looking for community theaters in my area but they are all for kids or teens. Its tough feeling like you missed out.

But I don't want to be all 'doom and gloom.' Before I left for uni I was attending community college and living at home. Looking back on that time, I think I could adequately say I was 'depressed.' Like you, I was on several dating sites with little success. I wouldn't put too much worry into them. I liked having them just because it meant one more avenue where you might potentially meet someone, and thats all I wanted to do back then, was to just meet people. I was obsessed with the idea of living somewhere with the potential of just meeting new people everyday, because I was so lonely. I do have girlfriend, now, though. We met at uni when I joined the theater club. Its odd, because, when I was at the community college (and most of high school) I never thought of myself as a person who would ever get a girlfriend. It seemed so out of the realm of possibility for me given my timid personality. But, here we are. I say this not to brag or anything, but because, truly, the only way to really make connections with other people is to do things where other people are. I'm sure you know this already. But, its a unfortunate case of reality, that in order to meet other people, you have to go to them. Perhaps you're in a similar boat to me where there is nothing around for you to do. Maybe your best bet is to move to a city or somewhere close to a highly populated area. I know that might not be financially feasible for some but what it sounds like you need is to just cut your loses and start over. Just something to consider, though take that advice with a grain of salt since I am just an asshole on Smogon. When I finally got to the university I pushed and pushed myself to get involved as much as I possibly could. I was motivated by the countless years I spent alone and all the regrets I had for never involving myself with anything. As a result I did make so great friends and had some great experiences. If I had to give any advice that I can, its that you should just do... everything. Like, sign-up for everything and anything regardless if you think you have an interest in it or not and regardless if the only people in it are old ladies. You seem to be doing good at that with the trivia nights and the speed dating. But, friends won't fall into your lap. You have to push your way in. And while I'm not suggesting being an annoyance, sometimes getting over that hurdle, that "they won't like me anyway" hurdle, is the most important step. Like you said, you wouldn't mind being rejected, since it would imply you got atleast that far, so you have nothing to lose.

I know that this advice might not really be helpful since its probably stuff you already knew. Unfortunately I, and no one else, can really tell you anything different. If there is some magical secret to automatically finding friends, then I don't know what it is. But. Let me say this. You seem to have gotten along well enough with people on Smogon. Think about why that might be. There are more connections between socializing online and in-person than one might think.
 

Mr.E

im the best
is a Pre-Contributoris a Past SPL Champion
Thing is I had friends in high school. Granted, they never did anything more with me than the occasional pickup game of basketball or similar, but they existed. I had a group to sit with at lunch. People talked to me. I was also pretty tangentially popular just because I was commonly known as the smartest kid in school. But my friends all drifted away as everyone went off to college (and my great academic/career potential was shot to hell by about Year 3 college) and I eventually ended up where I am today in a place where you can't even recognize the greatness I was once primed for, chronically underemployed and completely socially isolated.

I've only been on the dating sites for four months now, but needless to say it's not encouraging. The Anime Expo trip was more for the social experience than for consumerism too, and all of it was months in the making as I started losing weight, working out (not that I was even fat to begin with but there's always room for improvement), being more fashion-conscious. So far I'm getting absolutely nowhere and I'm just causing myself a lot of pain I didn't used to feel when I just sorta accepted things and put the effort into coping instead. It's not like I'm not doing things, I won't reiterate all of my recent activities I already outlined in my previous two posts.

You seem to have gotten along well enough with people on Smogon. Think about why that might be. There are more connections between socializing online and in-person than one might think.
lmao bruh you clearly aren't part of the IRC/Discord crowd or a reader of the tourney forum because I'm a fucking social pariah

I only stick around here because I have nowhere else to go.
 

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