Serious Depression

There's a lot to life so I'm told. So much to do, so much to see. To me this is a lie. I was never meant to be alive, I was a mistake when my parents got drunk. I grew up with my mother as my father and mother split. We lived with my great grandmother for over 10yrs. My grandmother dying when I was young and my great grandmother a few years back. Living in a house away from everyone at school, being in an old person's home, and having an alcoholic mother weren't the best things to have in life. Not fitting in with kids at school, teachers disliking me, and scolding me. It would carry on throughout school. I dropped out gave up, I didn't want to move or do anything. I got suicidal thoughts since 8th grade. I was alone, no friends, no one loved me, and always looked down upon.
So being in a place where I have given up, I was mindlessly playing games when I ran into a girl. She went by the name of Death. Fitting I know. So Death and I start out as ppl we see every so often, then she messaged me wanting to spend more time. This turns into a relationship where we spent the entire day together. Life would go on, we had fun days. Then suicidal thoughts. I'd turn to her as I had no one to turn to and this would go on until one day someone was being a asshat to me in a call and she didn't say anything or do anything. Messaged me privately after saying everything was ok. She then hungout with the guy and started laughing and they all started having a good time together as a group whilst I'm there in silence in the call being hurt. She would go on to break up with me afterwards. She said she was tired of my shit and was done. I was hurt not only because I was having problems irl with my mother but now the only person I had in my life hated me. I needed to spend time with her, before hand because I felt so bad and then shit happens and gets worse.
Moving on to how to the coming day. I begin to feel like an ass, I mean she got upset at me for me dealing with problems so I blamed myself. So what do I do? I try harder. If I try harder I will be alright. This would continue for a few months. I felt so shitty, and had no idea what to do that I started making her gifts, songs, all of that stuff I worked for months on everything. The day we met July 17th, I was gonna make her happy, surprise her. And that's where my luck starts to show. My computer's motherboard fries. I lose everything...I go into a panic. I don't have a phone or anything. It gets so bad I have to see a doctor. He gives me meds that calm me down and I have to go a month without a computer and I'm addicted to it. It's hope I copped with life. I see councilors and others to see what I should do. They said I had to wait, all I could do. Time passes, and I get a new computer. Things sorta fan out the same I guess. I use the computer to cope and pass time. We start talking again everything feels like the same I guess.
We talked about stuff like visiting each other, and meeting each other but in December 2018 I had another suicidal break down. She was pissed at me. Said she didn't want to see me for like 7yrs. This is competently out of the blue for me. So feeling like shit like its my fault, I need to try harder.
So time passes and we are in April 2019. She is a huge Iron Man fan and we wanted to see the Avengers movie together. We planned on me visiting her and seeing this. She even made comments if ya know what I mean. So its April, and I'm excited, after thinking about her non-stop for a year I finally was gonna meet her. And then she backed out. Said it had to do with her not wanting me around her family.
I see the movie, and am heart broken if you know what happens. Knowing she's gonna be upset I don't spoil it for her, I just spend time with her.
She later would tell me it was because I was "In love" with one of her friends. And that she couldn't trust me. I gave her time, money, and love. She didn't trust me. She has her own problems too. With suicide and emotions. Dating guys/girls all the time. She would tell me shit stuff. I don't know if it was her way of trying to get rid of me or because I was her friend. But I would push myself harder. Blaming myself for my failure. Times go on, so lets fast forward to 2020.
Life for me irl is horrible. Being evicted, my mother is stealing from me, and hates me.There homeless people stealing from me, people attacking me, and people threatening to kill me. MY OWN MOTHER MOCKS ME ABOUT SUICIDE....my mother breaks my computer screen. So that hurt. I was trying my best here. All of this crazy shit is happening to me, so I turn to Death. She starts ignoring me. I tell her I am having suicidal thoughts and that I need to spend time with a friend please. She then messages me saying how she doesn't like to spend time with me, all I do is look to hurt her, that she only wants to spend time with me when others are around. That if I wanna spend time with her I need to be happy and sane. So hear I am feeling alone and hurt and she does this to me.
I finally get to spend time with her, its with a group. The other guy leaves and its just me and her, we play together a bit and she's having a good time laughing. Things are going well. She invites some random guy from a game we just played. Death talks about how she is in a relationship after the guy asked if her & I were dating. And he's chill at first. Then he turns into an asshole.
The next day she's back to ignoring me, and later tells me she broke up with her boyfriend and is not dating the guy we just met yesterday. Saying how she's "In Love". She hates the love word with a passion. But loves saying it to him. She said he makes her feel safe and happy. And I'm so confused as to what's going on. So for the last 2 weeks they've met each other randomly are now dating and everything begins to pick up from here.
Over the 2 week period her new bf is pissing off, her brother, who she lives with his family because both her parents died when she was young. He cousins, arguing with everyone. Being an asshole and just arguing non-stop. I tell her this and she say he's just passionate. So he has to be an asshole and get upset when someone calls him out for something.
So last night he messaged me randomly for the first time. Said that he was trying to help me. Told me that I am making everyone sad. That I have no right to be depressed because it makes others sad. How dare I hurt others. He tells me to move on, and give up on her because she is his now. And they are dating and in love. Naturally I ask him what he's trying to get from this. He sees me as someone looking to hurt her. And I tell him I'm not. So I explain to him where everything is coming from. How some random guy comes in from no where, starts dating my friend so quickly, is pissing off her friends and family and is being a prick. He threatens to kill me, which I brought up with her, she shrugged it off like he's not going to, you provoked him.
He insults me, tells me that I have issues that I don't deserve to feel sad because he lost his family a couple weeks ago, and all he has is her. So I need to leave them alone and not bother them anymore....Of course I'm gonna make sure he's ok and say sorry. But I'm not just gonna roll over and let him have what he wants because he has a hard time as well.
They end up messaging saying how they are moving in together tmrw on her birthday. And that they plan to get married in 2 weeks....
None of what is happening makes any sense. So I start talking to her about it. She's all on board. Can't wait to get married, and move in with this guy she just randomly met 2 weeks ago online.
She then goes on to say that I don't have part in her life if I keep making her feel like shit, that I'm not gonna ever be with her, that me loving her makes he feel scared and not safe.
So I try to talk it out with her, being confused and not wanting to loose a friend. She then starts acting like an asshole and ends up blocking me.
I find a way to end up talking to her for like 15 seconds and she calls me psychotic. She wants nothing to do with me, and doesn't care what happens to me or her, because she's "In love"
I talked to a hotline last night so calm me down. But I still feel like shit. I have no one in my life, my family hates me, and I'm stuck in a bad place.
Will take everything one step at a time just needed to let myself be heard.
 
I don’t have much advice but we are always here to talk with you. You don’t deserve what is happening to you, it is obviously not your fault. Coming from a person who has no friends irl, talking with people on Smogon and discord has really helped me feel cared about. I’m by no means a professional but I do know that suicide is never worth it.
 
There's a lot to life so I'm told. So much to do, so much to see. To me this is a lie. I was never meant to be alive, I was a mistake when my parents got drunk. I grew up with my mother as my father and mother split. We lived with my great grandmother for over 10yrs. My grandmother dying when I was young and my great grandmother a few years back. Living in a house away from everyone at school, being in an old person's home, and having an alcoholic mother weren't the best things to have in life. Not fitting in with kids at school, teachers disliking me, and scolding me. It would carry on throughout school. I dropped out gave up, I didn't want to move or do anything. I got suicidal thoughts since 8th grade. I was alone, no friends, no one loved me, and always looked down upon.
So being in a place where I have given up, I was mindlessly playing games when I ran into a girl. She went by the name of Death. Fitting I know. So Death and I start out as ppl we see every so often, then she messaged me wanting to spend more time. This turns into a relationship where we spent the entire day together. Life would go on, we had fun days. Then suicidal thoughts. I'd turn to her as I had no one to turn to and this would go on until one day someone was being a asshat to me in a call and she didn't say anything or do anything. Messaged me privately after saying everything was ok. She then hungout with the guy and started laughing and they all started having a good time together as a group whilst I'm there in silence in the call being hurt. She would go on to break up with me afterwards. She said she was tired of my shit and was done. I was hurt not only because I was having problems irl with my mother but now the only person I had in my life hated me. I needed to spend time with her, before hand because I felt so bad and then shit happens and gets worse.
Moving on to how to the coming day. I begin to feel like an ass, I mean she got upset at me for me dealing with problems so I blamed myself. So what do I do? I try harder. If I try harder I will be alright. This would continue for a few months. I felt so shitty, and had no idea what to do that I started making her gifts, songs, all of that stuff I worked for months on everything. The day we met July 17th, I was gonna make her happy, surprise her. And that's where my luck starts to show. My computer's motherboard fries. I lose everything...I go into a panic. I don't have a phone or anything. It gets so bad I have to see a doctor. He gives me meds that calm me down and I have to go a month without a computer and I'm addicted to it. It's hope I copped with life. I see councilors and others to see what I should do. They said I had to wait, all I could do. Time passes, and I get a new computer. Things sorta fan out the same I guess. I use the computer to cope and pass time. We start talking again everything feels like the same I guess.
We talked about stuff like visiting each other, and meeting each other but in December 2018 I had another suicidal break down. She was pissed at me. Said she didn't want to see me for like 7yrs. This is competently out of the blue for me. So feeling like shit like its my fault, I need to try harder.
So time passes and we are in April 2019. She is a huge Iron Man fan and we wanted to see the Avengers movie together. We planned on me visiting her and seeing this. She even made comments if ya know what I mean. So its April, and I'm excited, after thinking about her non-stop for a year I finally was gonna meet her. And then she backed out. Said it had to do with her not wanting me around her family.
I see the movie, and am heart broken if you know what happens. Knowing she's gonna be upset I don't spoil it for her, I just spend time with her.
She later would tell me it was because I was "In love" with one of her friends. And that she couldn't trust me. I gave her time, money, and love. She didn't trust me. She has her own problems too. With suicide and emotions. Dating guys/girls all the time. She would tell me shit stuff. I don't know if it was her way of trying to get rid of me or because I was her friend. But I would push myself harder. Blaming myself for my failure. Times go on, so lets fast forward to 2020.
Life for me irl is horrible. Being evicted, my mother is stealing from me, and hates me.There homeless people stealing from me, people attacking me, and people threatening to kill me. MY OWN MOTHER MOCKS ME ABOUT SUICIDE....my mother breaks my computer screen. So that hurt. I was trying my best here. All of this crazy shit is happening to me, so I turn to Death. She starts ignoring me. I tell her I am having suicidal thoughts and that I need to spend time with a friend please. She then messages me saying how she doesn't like to spend time with me, all I do is look to hurt her, that she only wants to spend time with me when others are around. That if I wanna spend time with her I need to be happy and sane. So hear I am feeling alone and hurt and she does this to me.
I finally get to spend time with her, its with a group. The other guy leaves and its just me and her, we play together a bit and she's having a good time laughing. Things are going well. She invites some random guy from a game we just played. Death talks about how she is in a relationship after the guy asked if her & I were dating. And he's chill at first. Then he turns into an asshole.
The next day she's back to ignoring me, and later tells me she broke up with her boyfriend and is not dating the guy we just met yesterday. Saying how she's "In Love". She hates the love word with a passion. But loves saying it to him. She said he makes her feel safe and happy. And I'm so confused as to what's going on. So for the last 2 weeks they've met each other randomly are now dating and everything begins to pick up from here.
Over the 2 week period her new bf is pissing off, her brother, who she lives with his family because both her parents died when she was young. He cousins, arguing with everyone. Being an asshole and just arguing non-stop. I tell her this and she say he's just passionate. So he has to be an asshole and get upset when someone calls him out for something.
So last night he messaged me randomly for the first time. Said that he was trying to help me. Told me that I am making everyone sad. That I have no right to be depressed because it makes others sad. How dare I hurt others. He tells me to move on, and give up on her because she is his now. And they are dating and in love. Naturally I ask him what he's trying to get from this. He sees me as someone looking to hurt her. And I tell him I'm not. So I explain to him where everything is coming from. How some random guy comes in from no where, starts dating my friend so quickly, is pissing off her friends and family and is being a prick. He threatens to kill me, which I brought up with her, she shrugged it off like he's not going to, you provoked him.
He insults me, tells me that I have issues that I don't deserve to feel sad because he lost his family a couple weeks ago, and all he has is her. So I need to leave them alone and not bother them anymore....Of course I'm gonna make sure he's ok and say sorry. But I'm not just gonna roll over and let him have what he wants because he has a hard time as well.
They end up messaging saying how they are moving in together tmrw on her birthday. And that they plan to get married in 2 weeks....
None of what is happening makes any sense. So I start talking to her about it. She's all on board. Can't wait to get married, and move in with this guy she just randomly met 2 weeks ago online.
She then goes on to say that I don't have part in her life if I keep making her feel like shit, that I'm not gonna ever be with her, that me loving her makes he feel scared and not safe.
So I try to talk it out with her, being confused and not wanting to loose a friend. She then starts acting like an asshole and ends up blocking me.
I find a way to end up talking to her for like 15 seconds and she calls me psychotic. She wants nothing to do with me, and doesn't care what happens to me or her, because she's "In love"
I talked to a hotline last night so calm me down. But I still feel like shit. I have no one in my life, my family hates me, and I'm stuck in a bad place.
Will take everything one step at a time just needed to let myself be heard.
Jeez, joker..... I truly cannot envision what I'd become if one of those happenings were to strike me, but to have all that happen to you and you still hanging around, says something about you. I'm not just happy that you're around, but I'm proud that you have that rock-hard core personality within you to survive all you have. I really cannot lend any words of consolation to you, but know this: if you can take that amount of pain, ridicule, and suffering, and still not lose hope, YOU ARE FUCKING DESTINED FOR GREATNESS BEYOND ANYTHING YOU CAN EVER, IN YOUR WILDEST IMAGINATION, CONTEMPLATE... Don't let anyone convince you of anything other than that, because those **** (I refuse to call them people, because they do not deserve to be accorded that title) will just be gaping in awe as you scale the heights of success, with the strength in character that you display (metaphorically display, as I can't see you) being, in no pandering terms, nothing short of phenomenal... I am literally in tears, and I don't have anything else to say to you, Joker, except this: YOU ARE AWESOME, and I LOVE YOU! I hope you could see how much I want my words to impact you, so that you would know how much I meant each and every one of those words I wrote in that post.
 
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Jeez, joker..... I truly cannot envision what I'd become if one of those happenings were to strike me, but to have all that happen to you and you still hanging around, says something about you. I'm not just happy that you're around, but I'm proud that you have that rock-hard core personality within you to survive all you have. I really cannot lend any words of consolation to you, but know this: if you can take that amount of pain, ridicule, and suffering, and still not lose hope, YOU ARE FUCKING DESTINED FOR GREATNESS BEYOND ANYTHING YOU CAN EVER, IN YOUR WILDEST IMAGINATION, CONTEMPLATE... Don't let anyone convince you of anything other than that, because those **** (I refuse to call them people, because they do not deserve to be accorded that title) will just be gaping in awe as you scale the heights of success, with the strength in character that you display (metaphorically display, as I can't see you) being, in no pandering terms, nothing short of phenomenal... I am literally in tears, and I don't have anything else to say to you, Joker, except this: YOU ARE AWESOME, and I LOVE YOU! I hope you could see how much I want my words to impact you, so that you would know how much I meant each and every one of those words I wrote in that post.
Thanks Atti. I've always told myself there was a reason for all this hate and pain I go through. Thought I found the reason but turns out it wasn't. I've always fought to prove others wrong, to be the good guy, to have fun. But I have no one to prove wrong now, it doesn't matter if I'm the good guy because we live in a world where that only gets you so far, and I want to have fun...but I can't have fun when feeling like this. Though I have learned to laugh to make myself feel a little better. As long as I feel like there's hope and don't get caught up in the panic and feelings I should be ok for today at least <3
 
I don’t have much advice but we are always here to talk with you. You don’t deserve what is happening to you, it is obviously not your fault. Coming from a person who has no friends irl, talking with people on Smogon and discord has really helped me feel cared about. I’m by no means a professional but I do know that suicide is never worth it.
You are welcome to talk to me at anytime. Joker#1988 I will try my best to help you as well. It's wow I am as a person, I hate seeing people deal with shit because I know how it feels.
 
You are welcome to talk to me at anytime. Joker#1988 I will try my best to help you as well. It's wow I am as a person, I hate seeing people deal with shit because I know how it feels.
Hey man if you ever want to talk just shoot me a PM. Thats all i can say without sounding like an armchair psychologist.
 

Mr.E

im the best
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I ain't gonna say anything but to point out your friend doesn't sound quite all right in the head herself. It's hard but maybe it's for the best you find someone else, a person that can be a more positive influence in your life and hopefully things start to change for the better eventually.

Now that we're past the holidays, I finally got the time to see a therapist a couple weeks ago. She seemed pretty impressed with the way I held myself, talked to her, all the effort I've put into trying to change my utterly empty social/dating life (assuming I was being truthful anyway, which I always am). So, I don't think I'll go back more than once or maybe twice to status update her on recent attempts. Pretty much all she did was confirm that I'm neither a lazy bum nor a total psycho, and there's not much I can do but keep on doing the right thing(s) and hopefully things start to change for the better eventually. :pikuh: As I suspected, my problem is purely practical and not something within. A therapist cannot help me with that.

Well, that was kinda my last resort. I feel like I'm doing everything possible, and therapy was pretty much the last possible thing I can reasonably do to diagnose the problem. No, there doesn't appear to be anything just weird and offputting about me driving people away that I'm not seeing. Maybe the problem really is some of the factors outside of my control and all I can do is fucking wait. I've very mixed feelings about that. It's nice to be validated, on the other hand my situation is beyond being fixable on my own so uhh yeah that kinda sucks. Well, I could continue trying a couple more therapists and maybe their different perspective allows them to see something this first one didn't but JFC if I entertain that notion I'm entering the territory of absurdity. How much more do I have to do to prove that I'm not the problem?

Also, not surprisingly, another two months since my previous post and I'm still getting nowhere either platonically or romantically with anyone. I'm making utterly glacial progress with my fitness classes as far as finding people there, which is more than I can say of anything else I've been trying so maybe I'll eventually break through there as I've mostly tried all the classes now and settle into a more defined schedule... I'm really enjoying aerial yoga and it's a tiny class. It's made me reconsider that maybe I was doing it wrong by trying to take the largest classes to maximize the number of people I meet, when I should've been trying to take smaller classes where I can be more easily noticed and have better opportunities for more close-knit interactions.
 
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I completely relate to you Mr. E. While im sill in school, I have failed so many times to get close to people that ive pretty much given up at this point. I going to leave for college this year so im just looking to get a fresh start then. like people dont dislike me, well at least im pretty sure, but when i sit down at lunch or stuff no one ever sits next to me. like i try to hang out with people that are in my classes, and they dont like ignore me, but even i can tell that they dont really want to hang out with me. The only time people talk to me is when they ask for help with a problem or something. people on discord seem to like me so im good at least for now.
 
Hi all,

Not really sure what this response is going to turn into, but I just wanted to say that I've been there and so have many others. You are not alone!

I suffer from chronic mental health issues. I first sought help when I was around 18, although I probably should have found a way to do so earlier. I grew up with family who worked in medical, and I just kept hearing them talk about how depression and anxiety cases were 90% fake and people were overmedicating and using it as an excuse. At the same time, I also heard my mother constantly tell me that I'm miserable, I always look miserable, I never smile, etc. I remember one time she told me that I was a happy toddler and one day she noticed that I lost the spark in my eye. I think that may have been the moment where it started for me, although I didn't realize.

Fast forward when I moved out on my own to a new city and started my career. It was very difficult for me and I consulted people many times, often crying in offices seeking help. At one point my doctor told me that I needed to suck it up. It was discouraging. Finally I got my doctor to listen to me and I was finally evaluated by a psychologist and told that I was severely depressed, but bipolar disorder wound up on my medical file. I spent two years fighting that diagnosis because I didn't feel that it was correct and the medications that I was told to take actually don't treat anything but bipolar but are also toxic to the body, I didn't want to take them if they weren't doing anything good for me.

Many visits to a psychologist and psychotherapy sessions, my diagnosis is chronic moderate anxiety disorder with depressive mood. What it means is that I will likely always suffer from anxiety to a degree, and if I don't address it then it leads to me becoming depressed. Through cognitive behavioural therapy I've learned my signs, how to communicate what is going on with me, and importantly what my own set of tools to deal are. I'm not coping, I'm living and thriving. My life has never felt better!

Now, I don't want you to read this and become discouraged. What I want you to get out of this is that mental health can be intimidating and it can be challenging. But keep trying because you can become empowered to live a happy life, it just might take some work. This is an illness, not a curse. You deserve happiness and love, you are loved (don't discount the love of strangers!) and you can find a happy place.
 
We all know depression is a bad thing to feel. But about that... I used to regularly get depressed back when I was 12. It got me into quite some trouble with my family, and my friendships were at stake. Guidance seemed to do nothing, and neither did my grandparents. Eventually, it was near the point of taking my life. However, before it actually did, I developed a thought process of "hold up! I'm too young to be dead! I have so much to experience and live for!" It didn't stop me from being depressed, but it stopped me before I bothered trying to end my life and I never ended up doing it. However, at some point when I was at the age of 13, I developed a thought process of "you may struggle now, but don't worry! It'll get a lot better! You will eventually escape your struggles, life will get better later on, and you should have so much to be happy for!" And since then, I never was truly depressed again. I did manage many of my struggles. My life was getting better as I knew it. And I ended up with so many things that constantly make me happy with just the thought of them.

Nobody deserves to be depressed though. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness and living a great life. On a final note over here, if you tend to get depressed, just realize that if you try to overcome life's obstacles, you will overcome your struggles and life will get better. Life may suck now for those of you who get depressed, but don't worry. It'll get better. You just gotta let the world take some time to make your life better. Please. Your life matters. You have many fun stuff you've never even experienced yet! Peace.
 
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hey everyone,

i was reading some posts here the other day and i concluded i should share my own story here, i haven't talked too much about it on a grander scale (mostly because i'm more reserved, especially with emotions and stuff like this), but i figured posting here could perhaps help one or two of you, and i really hope it does. to preface, my situation is relatively scaled-down compared to most of the stuff i've read here, this is no problem on its own, of course, but as my depression has been since mostly cured, i don't want this to come of as some kind of "you can win vs your depression it's easy" kinda post. on the contrary, i acknowledge everyone has their own problems and demons to deal with, and stuff like depression is never "that simple". but before i tell you guys about my story i'll need to tell a bit about myself.



i've always been the weird kid, honestly. in elementary school i had little friends and they shared these mostly gaming interests, be it minecraft, pokémon, or whatever it was. i was close with them but i still felt a bit left out for some reason i can't quite put my finger on. but then because of reasons unrelated to me, i ended up moving schools in middle school. i kept friendship with like two friends from the old school, but i still didn't see them very often. in the new school, i didn't really make any friends in my first year there but moreso acquaintances, the other kids were never mean or condescending towards me, but i'd often be alone during the breaks between classes. basically what i'm getting at here is that since i was in middle school i've been rather used to being alone and having no real friends, this will be important later. in the following years i got to know the people a tad better and one of my friends from the previous school also moved to the same school as me, we were (and still are) really close friends, but he was the only one i had. back then i was almost a bit jealous of him as he became friends with the people i was trying to be friends with for a really long time, i now realize that moving schools so suddenly coupled with my shyness probably inhibited some of the social skills i was supposed to learn by then. as of now i believe i already have them improved, though!

high school was also a similar vibe, i'd see my friends going out to parties and stuff like that, but it'd be left out a handful of times. again i was never excluded, but i wasn't really close friends with anyone to be invited, so that became even more of a burden to me. but well, i got used to it, i'd always be on my own, trying to remedy my loneliness by drawing or being on my phone. i think another potential problem is that due to the fact i've always been high scoring on tests and stuff like that it was hard to relate too much to my friends on that sense, and i guess some of them could see it was seeing myself as superior or something stupid like that which was definitely not the case. so what did middle school / high school cause to me: i got used to being completely alone and not minding it (which has its upsides and its downsides), i hadn't developed my social skills well enough to that point in life at all, and most importantly i would open up about my feelings, not even to myself.



and now onto university which was when the big sad happened. i moved to a city called são carlos, which is a couple of hours away from são paulo, which in turn is rather far from my hometown, vitória. i had to take a one hour plane to são paulo, and four more hours on a bus everytime i wanted to go from one city to another. this, along with the relatively high price of plane flights, made it impossible for me to return home often. most of the people in my university though, lived nearby, like legitimately 95% of my class. so they could easily go back home in the weekends without any stress after one or two hours of bus, and spend the weekend with their family and old friends. i didn't have that option. as the year went on, i'd spend countless weekends alone, without a single social interaction except leaving for food, or ordering a takeout.

from this point, everything started going downhill as you can imagine, i didn't make any real friends, but moreso acquaintances. again they'd be friendly to me and invite me to eventual parties, but i still didn't have anyone to talk, or anyone to spend my weekends with. that allied with the fact that engineering university is absurdly hard, ended up setting me on a downward spiral, a vicious cycle, a positive feedback loop, that would eventually lead me into depression. i would start sleeping late because i started to have trouble sleeping, that made me wake up later, miss classes, and become even less motivated. missing classes would make my grades dip, and that again really hurt me. i also started to rely on my hobbies as a way to mask my pain, be it competitive pokémon, random games, making music, or anything of the likes. missing classes also made me see my university colleagues even less, which also didn't help. but the main problem is that i didn't really notice my depression myself. i've always been used to being alone, and i'd always shrug off my emotions anyway, so i was just left seeing myself descend the depression spiral yet not being able to do anything about it until it was too late.

i eventually found myself sleeping at nearly 6am everyday, and either missing my morning classes or stay sleep deprived for a whole day. i started to lose motivation even for my hobbies which should explain my disability to do smogon related stuff in that period of time, and in general a complete lack of energy to do literally anything. and of couse i was having some unsalvageable grades. when i realized my condition i started studying a lot for my final exams, but it still wasn't enough for most of them. i ended up passing in a mere two classes out of the seven i took. i tried to give myself a second chance in the second semester, but i still didn't have the willpower to revert my condition, and one month in i was already sleeping at 6am and missing classes again.



from there my parents had to step in and convince me to get out of there, it was really hard for me and for them, but it eventually worked out. i spent a week in são paulo with a psychologist so that she could access the situation. i was also diagnosed with add and hyperfocus in that week. which basically means i have a greater focus than normal, but i have a hard time directing it. it's a double-edged sword, and it definitely contributed to my poor doing with my grades as i was completely unmotivated with my studies, and thus, unable to concentrate at classes at all. after that i returned home and started going to a psychologist weekly. spending the weekend with my friends and talking to her really helped me understand what caused the situation. i've since improved my social skills considerably, and with friends and family around i feel much, much better. i feel like now, more than ever, i have the most real friends and i really started to become a lot more outgoing, which to me, is a good thing. i've also learned to open up about my emotions, be it with my psychologist, my family, my friends, or you, reading this on a competitive pokémon forum.

i cannot recommend doing therapy enough, and being around people that truly support you and truly are there for you. obviously, like i stated earlier, it's not that simple for many of you, and while it's been a tough year for me last year, i still learned so much about myself. i hope you reading this can do the same. i hope you overcome whatever problem that haunts you, be it through therapy or other means, and i hope some day you will be able to look back and see how much you have learned, like i am doing right now. i don't expect anyone to have a speedy recovery as i did, or that therapy will magically solve all your problems the next day, but i'm sure with willpower and dedication you will be able to overcome whatever it is that torments you. obviously, i still have plenty of smaller issues myself that i will not be talking about on this post, but a step at a time, these problems can be beaten.



if you reading this ever needs to talk about anything on this topic (or any topic really) just shoot me a message on discord, i'll try my very best to help! i'm no expert, but every help counts. thanks for reading my story, i hope you have a wonderful day.
 
ive dealt with depression for a long time, i often tell people i feel ive lost YEARS of my life to letting myself be.
i could sit here and run through the list; that ultimately just makes me feel like a broken record talking of how i grew up as a kid at home; to how i went to school and how i was treated, to getting older and dating and trying use that as a resevoir for goodness and finding many use that as a resevoir for opporunity/utilities - bleed dry and go, to work, etc etc.
even just in the last handful of years ive lost a cousin & her mother (my aunt) within 2 months of one another - watched that family crumble. My uncle, my Grandpa, my best friends Mom (a mom to me).
I watched my family, friends, and eventual my "love" of YEARS at that point betray me and scorn me - even when i chose homelessness for said ex.
watched my dad grow sicker as we were pinned between eviction, finding a new home, and nto being able to afford getting him help or risk losing the ability at a home - GETTING SAID HOME CHRISTMAS EVE, and moving in on Christmas, hes dead early februrary - never seeing the home.
i've crumbled, rebuilt, and came back rising like a phoenix that richocheted off the rock bottom bouncing back up so many times it really took me losing my father & ex in the twisted ways i did to see the good i did have (dad) and the bad i accepted (ex) cus I didnt see the good I had for so long.

i'm not better now 100%, my dad only just died a few days ago, but i was lucky enough to become best frineds with him in recent years and if theres one thing i can hold faith in after being lost for so many years...
even before he passed i finally came into myself seeing everyone scorn me and still going on to see them fall by the wayside as i got my name on a new car, rebuilt myself, glowed up personally and even in the vain ways if wanted to be petty.. THEN to see my dad take on all that pain to make sure we got that home, and to be able to be the other name on it.
he wouldnt want me to break now.
sorry if that was all so jumbled I was leaving out a lot that felt hard to make sense of leaving out but were unnecessary rn.
i will miss my dad always and always probably battle this depression but im winning a lil more day but day.
 

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