Serious Depression

There's a lot to life so I'm told. So much to do, so much to see. To me this is a lie. I was never meant to be alive, I was a mistake when my parents got drunk. I grew up with my mother as my father and mother split. We lived with my great grandmother for over 10yrs. My grandmother dying when I was young and my great grandmother a few years back. Living in a house away from everyone at school, being in an old person's home, and having an alcoholic mother weren't the best things to have in life. Not fitting in with kids at school, teachers disliking me, and scolding me. It would carry on throughout school. I dropped out gave up, I didn't want to move or do anything. I got suicidal thoughts since 8th grade. I was alone, no friends, no one loved me, and always looked down upon.
So being in a place where I have given up, I was mindlessly playing games when I ran into a girl. She went by the name of Death. Fitting I know. So Death and I start out as ppl we see every so often, then she messaged me wanting to spend more time. This turns into a relationship where we spent the entire day together. Life would go on, we had fun days. Then suicidal thoughts. I'd turn to her as I had no one to turn to and this would go on until one day someone was being a asshat to me in a call and she didn't say anything or do anything. Messaged me privately after saying everything was ok. She then hungout with the guy and started laughing and they all started having a good time together as a group whilst I'm there in silence in the call being hurt. She would go on to break up with me afterwards. She said she was tired of my shit and was done. I was hurt not only because I was having problems irl with my mother but now the only person I had in my life hated me. I needed to spend time with her, before hand because I felt so bad and then shit happens and gets worse.
Moving on to how to the coming day. I begin to feel like an ass, I mean she got upset at me for me dealing with problems so I blamed myself. So what do I do? I try harder. If I try harder I will be alright. This would continue for a few months. I felt so shitty, and had no idea what to do that I started making her gifts, songs, all of that stuff I worked for months on everything. The day we met July 17th, I was gonna make her happy, surprise her. And that's where my luck starts to show. My computer's motherboard fries. I lose everything...I go into a panic. I don't have a phone or anything. It gets so bad I have to see a doctor. He gives me meds that calm me down and I have to go a month without a computer and I'm addicted to it. It's hope I copped with life. I see councilors and others to see what I should do. They said I had to wait, all I could do. Time passes, and I get a new computer. Things sorta fan out the same I guess. I use the computer to cope and pass time. We start talking again everything feels like the same I guess.
We talked about stuff like visiting each other, and meeting each other but in December 2018 I had another suicidal break down. She was pissed at me. Said she didn't want to see me for like 7yrs. This is competently out of the blue for me. So feeling like shit like its my fault, I need to try harder.
So time passes and we are in April 2019. She is a huge Iron Man fan and we wanted to see the Avengers movie together. We planned on me visiting her and seeing this. She even made comments if ya know what I mean. So its April, and I'm excited, after thinking about her non-stop for a year I finally was gonna meet her. And then she backed out. Said it had to do with her not wanting me around her family.
I see the movie, and am heart broken if you know what happens. Knowing she's gonna be upset I don't spoil it for her, I just spend time with her.
She later would tell me it was because I was "In love" with one of her friends. And that she couldn't trust me. I gave her time, money, and love. She didn't trust me. She has her own problems too. With suicide and emotions. Dating guys/girls all the time. She would tell me shit stuff. I don't know if it was her way of trying to get rid of me or because I was her friend. But I would push myself harder. Blaming myself for my failure. Times go on, so lets fast forward to 2020.
Life for me irl is horrible. Being evicted, my mother is stealing from me, and hates me.There homeless people stealing from me, people attacking me, and people threatening to kill me. MY OWN MOTHER MOCKS ME ABOUT SUICIDE....my mother breaks my computer screen. So that hurt. I was trying my best here. All of this crazy shit is happening to me, so I turn to Death. She starts ignoring me. I tell her I am having suicidal thoughts and that I need to spend time with a friend please. She then messages me saying how she doesn't like to spend time with me, all I do is look to hurt her, that she only wants to spend time with me when others are around. That if I wanna spend time with her I need to be happy and sane. So hear I am feeling alone and hurt and she does this to me.
I finally get to spend time with her, its with a group. The other guy leaves and its just me and her, we play together a bit and she's having a good time laughing. Things are going well. She invites some random guy from a game we just played. Death talks about how she is in a relationship after the guy asked if her & I were dating. And he's chill at first. Then he turns into an asshole.
The next day she's back to ignoring me, and later tells me she broke up with her boyfriend and is not dating the guy we just met yesterday. Saying how she's "In Love". She hates the love word with a passion. But loves saying it to him. She said he makes her feel safe and happy. And I'm so confused as to what's going on. So for the last 2 weeks they've met each other randomly are now dating and everything begins to pick up from here.
Over the 2 week period her new bf is pissing off, her brother, who she lives with his family because both her parents died when she was young. He cousins, arguing with everyone. Being an asshole and just arguing non-stop. I tell her this and she say he's just passionate. So he has to be an asshole and get upset when someone calls him out for something.
So last night he messaged me randomly for the first time. Said that he was trying to help me. Told me that I am making everyone sad. That I have no right to be depressed because it makes others sad. How dare I hurt others. He tells me to move on, and give up on her because she is his now. And they are dating and in love. Naturally I ask him what he's trying to get from this. He sees me as someone looking to hurt her. And I tell him I'm not. So I explain to him where everything is coming from. How some random guy comes in from no where, starts dating my friend so quickly, is pissing off her friends and family and is being a prick. He threatens to kill me, which I brought up with her, she shrugged it off like he's not going to, you provoked him.
He insults me, tells me that I have issues that I don't deserve to feel sad because he lost his family a couple weeks ago, and all he has is her. So I need to leave them alone and not bother them anymore....Of course I'm gonna make sure he's ok and say sorry. But I'm not just gonna roll over and let him have what he wants because he has a hard time as well.
They end up messaging saying how they are moving in together tmrw on her birthday. And that they plan to get married in 2 weeks....
None of what is happening makes any sense. So I start talking to her about it. She's all on board. Can't wait to get married, and move in with this guy she just randomly met 2 weeks ago online.
She then goes on to say that I don't have part in her life if I keep making her feel like shit, that I'm not gonna ever be with her, that me loving her makes he feel scared and not safe.
So I try to talk it out with her, being confused and not wanting to loose a friend. She then starts acting like an asshole and ends up blocking me.
I find a way to end up talking to her for like 15 seconds and she calls me psychotic. She wants nothing to do with me, and doesn't care what happens to me or her, because she's "In love"
I talked to a hotline last night so calm me down. But I still feel like shit. I have no one in my life, my family hates me, and I'm stuck in a bad place.
Will take everything one step at a time just needed to let myself be heard.
Jeez, joker..... I truly cannot envision what I'd become if one of those happenings were to strike me, but to have all that happen to you and you still hanging around, says something about you. I'm not just happy that you're around, but I'm proud that you have that rock-hard core personality within you to survive all you have. I really cannot lend any words of consolation to you, but know this: if you can take that amount of pain, ridicule, and suffering, and still not lose hope, YOU ARE FUCKING DESTINED FOR GREATNESS BEYOND ANYTHING YOU CAN EVER, IN YOUR WILDEST IMAGINATION, CONTEMPLATE... Don't let anyone convince you of anything other than that, because those **** (I refuse to call them people, because they do not deserve to be accorded that title) will just be gaping in awe as you scale the heights of success, with the strength in character that you display (metaphorically display, as I can't see you) being, in no pandering terms, nothing short of phenomenal... I am literally in tears, and I don't have anything else to say to you, Joker, except this: YOU ARE AWESOME, and I LOVE YOU! I hope you could see how much I want my words to impact you, so that you would know how much I meant each and every one of those words I wrote in that post.
 
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Jeez, joker..... I truly cannot envision what I'd become if one of those happenings were to strike me, but to have all that happen to you and you still hanging around, says something about you. I'm not just happy that you're around, but I'm proud that you have that rock-hard core personality within you to survive all you have. I really cannot lend any words of consolation to you, but know this: if you can take that amount of pain, ridicule, and suffering, and still not lose hope, YOU ARE FUCKING DESTINED FOR GREATNESS BEYOND ANYTHING YOU CAN EVER, IN YOUR WILDEST IMAGINATION, CONTEMPLATE... Don't let anyone convince you of anything other than that, because those **** (I refuse to call them people, because they do not deserve to be accorded that title) will just be gaping in awe as you scale the heights of success, with the strength in character that you display (metaphorically display, as I can't see you) being, in no pandering terms, nothing short of phenomenal... I am literally in tears, and I don't have anything else to say to you, Joker, except this: YOU ARE AWESOME, and I LOVE YOU! I hope you could see how much I want my words to impact you, so that you would know how much I meant each and every one of those words I wrote in that post.
Thanks Atti. I've always told myself there was a reason for all this hate and pain I go through. Thought I found the reason but turns out it wasn't. I've always fought to prove others wrong, to be the good guy, to have fun. But I have no one to prove wrong now, it doesn't matter if I'm the good guy because we live in a world where that only gets you so far, and I want to have fun...but I can't have fun when feeling like this. Though I have learned to laugh to make myself feel a little better. As long as I feel like there's hope and don't get caught up in the panic and feelings I should be ok for today at least <3
 
I don’t have much advice but we are always here to talk with you. You don’t deserve what is happening to you, it is obviously not your fault. Coming from a person who has no friends irl, talking with people on Smogon and discord has really helped me feel cared about. I’m by no means a professional but I do know that suicide is never worth it.
You are welcome to talk to me at anytime. Joker#1988 I will try my best to help you as well. It's wow I am as a person, I hate seeing people deal with shit because I know how it feels.
 
You are welcome to talk to me at anytime. Joker#1988 I will try my best to help you as well. It's wow I am as a person, I hate seeing people deal with shit because I know how it feels.
Hey man if you ever want to talk just shoot me a PM. Thats all i can say without sounding like an armchair psychologist.
 

Mr.E

unban me from Discord
is a Past SPL Champion
I ain't gonna say anything but to point out your friend doesn't sound quite all right in the head herself. It's hard but maybe it's for the best you find someone else, a person that can be a more positive influence in your life and hopefully things start to change for the better eventually.

Now that we're past the holidays, I finally got the time to see a therapist a couple weeks ago. She seemed pretty impressed with the way I held myself, talked to her, all the effort I've put into trying to change my utterly empty social/dating life (assuming I was being truthful anyway, which I always am). So, I don't think I'll go back more than once or maybe twice to status update her on recent attempts. Pretty much all she did was confirm that I'm neither a lazy bum nor a total psycho, and there's not much I can do but keep on doing the right thing(s) and hopefully things start to change for the better eventually. :pikuh: As I suspected, my problem is purely practical and not something within. A therapist cannot help me with that.

Well, that was kinda my last resort. I feel like I'm doing everything possible, and therapy was pretty much the last possible thing I can reasonably do to diagnose the problem. No, there doesn't appear to be anything just weird and offputting about me driving people away that I'm not seeing. Maybe the problem really is some of the factors outside of my control and all I can do is fucking wait. I've very mixed feelings about that. It's nice to be validated, on the other hand my situation is beyond being fixable on my own so uhh yeah that kinda sucks. Well, I could continue trying a couple more therapists and maybe their different perspective allows them to see something this first one didn't but JFC if I entertain that notion I'm entering the territory of absurdity. How much more do I have to do to prove that I'm not the problem?

Also, not surprisingly, another two months since my previous post and I'm still getting nowhere either platonically or romantically with anyone. I'm making utterly glacial progress with my fitness classes as far as finding people there, which is more than I can say of anything else I've been trying so maybe I'll eventually break through there as I've mostly tried all the classes now and settle into a more defined schedule... I'm really enjoying aerial yoga and it's a tiny class. It's made me reconsider that maybe I was doing it wrong by trying to take the largest classes to maximize the number of people I meet, when I should've been trying to take smaller classes where I can be more easily noticed and have better opportunities for more close-knit interactions.
 
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I completely relate to you Mr. E. While im sill in school, I have failed so many times to get close to people that ive pretty much given up at this point. I going to leave for college this year so im just looking to get a fresh start then. like people dont dislike me, well at least im pretty sure, but when i sit down at lunch or stuff no one ever sits next to me. like i try to hang out with people that are in my classes, and they dont like ignore me, but even i can tell that they dont really want to hang out with me. The only time people talk to me is when they ask for help with a problem or something. people on discord seem to like me so im good at least for now.
 
Hi all,

Not really sure what this response is going to turn into, but I just wanted to say that I've been there and so have many others. You are not alone!

I suffer from chronic mental health issues. I first sought help when I was around 18, although I probably should have found a way to do so earlier. I grew up with family who worked in medical, and I just kept hearing them talk about how depression and anxiety cases were 90% fake and people were overmedicating and using it as an excuse. At the same time, I also heard my mother constantly tell me that I'm miserable, I always look miserable, I never smile, etc. I remember one time she told me that I was a happy toddler and one day she noticed that I lost the spark in my eye. I think that may have been the moment where it started for me, although I didn't realize.

Fast forward when I moved out on my own to a new city and started my career. It was very difficult for me and I consulted people many times, often crying in offices seeking help. At one point my doctor told me that I needed to suck it up. It was discouraging. Finally I got my doctor to listen to me and I was finally evaluated by a psychologist and told that I was severely depressed, but bipolar disorder wound up on my medical file. I spent two years fighting that diagnosis because I didn't feel that it was correct and the medications that I was told to take actually don't treat anything but bipolar but are also toxic to the body, I didn't want to take them if they weren't doing anything good for me.

Many visits to a psychologist and psychotherapy sessions, my diagnosis is chronic moderate anxiety disorder with depressive mood. What it means is that I will likely always suffer from anxiety to a degree, and if I don't address it then it leads to me becoming depressed. Through cognitive behavioural therapy I've learned my signs, how to communicate what is going on with me, and importantly what my own set of tools to deal are. I'm not coping, I'm living and thriving. My life has never felt better!

Now, I don't want you to read this and become discouraged. What I want you to get out of this is that mental health can be intimidating and it can be challenging. But keep trying because you can become empowered to live a happy life, it just might take some work. This is an illness, not a curse. You deserve happiness and love, you are loved (don't discount the love of strangers!) and you can find a happy place.
 

Jerry the great

Banned deucer.
We all know depression is a bad thing to feel. But about that... I used to regularly get depressed back when I was 12. It got me into quite some trouble with my family, and my friendships were at stake. Guidance seemed to do nothing, and neither did my grandparents. Eventually, it was near the point of taking my life. However, before it actually did, I developed a thought process of "hold up! I'm too young to be dead! I have so much to experience and live for!" It didn't stop me from being depressed, but it stopped me before I bothered trying to end my life and I never ended up doing it. However, at some point when I was at the age of 13, I developed a thought process of "you may struggle now, but don't worry! It'll get a lot better! You will eventually escape your struggles, life will get better later on, and you should have so much to be happy for!" And since then, I never was truly depressed again. I did manage many of my struggles. My life was getting better as I knew it. And I ended up with so many things that constantly make me happy with just the thought of them.

Nobody deserves to be depressed though. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness and living a great life. On a final note over here, if you tend to get depressed, just realize that if you try to overcome life's obstacles, you will overcome your struggles and life will get better. Life may suck now for those of you who get depressed, but don't worry. It'll get better. You just gotta let the world take some time to make your life better. Please. Your life matters. You have many fun stuff you've never even experienced yet! Peace.
 

lydian

Formerly lyd
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hey everyone,

i was reading some posts here the other day and i concluded i should share my own story here, i haven't talked too much about it on a grander scale (mostly because i'm more reserved, especially with emotions and stuff like this), but i figured posting here could perhaps help one or two of you, and i really hope it does. to preface, my situation is relatively scaled-down compared to most of the stuff i've read here, this is no problem on its own, of course, but as my depression has been since mostly cured, i don't want this to come of as some kind of "you can win vs your depression it's easy" kinda post. on the contrary, i acknowledge everyone has their own problems and demons to deal with, and stuff like depression is never "that simple". but before i tell you guys about my story i'll need to tell a bit about myself.



i've always been the weird kid, honestly. in elementary school i had little friends and they shared these mostly gaming interests, be it minecraft, pokémon, or whatever it was. i was close with them but i still felt a bit left out for some reason i can't quite put my finger on. but then because of reasons unrelated to me, i ended up moving schools in middle school. i kept friendship with like two friends from the old school, but i still didn't see them very often. in the new school, i didn't really make any friends in my first year there but moreso acquaintances, the other kids were never mean or condescending towards me, but i'd often be alone during the breaks between classes. basically what i'm getting at here is that since i was in middle school i've been rather used to being alone and having no real friends, this will be important later. in the following years i got to know the people a tad better and one of my friends from the previous school also moved to the same school as me, we were (and still are) really close friends, but he was the only one i had. back then i was almost a bit jealous of him as he became friends with the people i was trying to be friends with for a really long time, i now realize that moving schools so suddenly coupled with my shyness probably inhibited some of the social skills i was supposed to learn by then. as of now i believe i already have them improved, though!

high school was also a similar vibe, i'd see my friends going out to parties and stuff like that, but it'd be left out a handful of times. again i was never excluded, but i wasn't really close friends with anyone to be invited, so that became even more of a burden to me. but well, i got used to it, i'd always be on my own, trying to remedy my loneliness by drawing or being on my phone. i think another potential problem is that due to the fact i've always been high scoring on tests and stuff like that it was hard to relate too much to my friends on that sense, and i guess some of them could see it was seeing myself as superior or something stupid like that which was definitely not the case. so what did middle school / high school cause to me: i got used to being completely alone and not minding it (which has its upsides and its downsides), i hadn't developed my social skills well enough to that point in life at all, and most importantly i would open up about my feelings, not even to myself.



and now onto university which was when the big sad happened. i moved to a city called são carlos, which is a couple of hours away from são paulo, which in turn is rather far from my hometown, vitória. i had to take a one hour plane to são paulo, and four more hours on a bus everytime i wanted to go from one city to another. this, along with the relatively high price of plane flights, made it impossible for me to return home often. most of the people in my university though, lived nearby, like legitimately 95% of my class. so they could easily go back home in the weekends without any stress after one or two hours of bus, and spend the weekend with their family and old friends. i didn't have that option. as the year went on, i'd spend countless weekends alone, without a single social interaction except leaving for food, or ordering a takeout.

from this point, everything started going downhill as you can imagine, i didn't make any real friends, but moreso acquaintances. again they'd be friendly to me and invite me to eventual parties, but i still didn't have anyone to talk, or anyone to spend my weekends with. that allied with the fact that engineering university is absurdly hard, ended up setting me on a downward spiral, a vicious cycle, a positive feedback loop, that would eventually lead me into depression. i would start sleeping late because i started to have trouble sleeping, that made me wake up later, miss classes, and become even less motivated. missing classes would make my grades dip, and that again really hurt me. i also started to rely on my hobbies as a way to mask my pain, be it competitive pokémon, random games, making music, or anything of the likes. missing classes also made me see my university colleagues even less, which also didn't help. but the main problem is that i didn't really notice my depression myself. i've always been used to being alone, and i'd always shrug off my emotions anyway, so i was just left seeing myself descend the depression spiral yet not being able to do anything about it until it was too late.

i eventually found myself sleeping at nearly 6am everyday, and either missing my morning classes or stay sleep deprived for a whole day. i started to lose motivation even for my hobbies which should explain my disability to do smogon related stuff in that period of time, and in general a complete lack of energy to do literally anything. and of couse i was having some unsalvageable grades. when i realized my condition i started studying a lot for my final exams, but it still wasn't enough for most of them. i ended up passing in a mere two classes out of the seven i took. i tried to give myself a second chance in the second semester, but i still didn't have the willpower to revert my condition, and one month in i was already sleeping at 6am and missing classes again.



from there my parents had to step in and convince me to get out of there, it was really hard for me and for them, but it eventually worked out. i spent a week in são paulo with a psychologist so that she could access the situation. i was also diagnosed with add and hyperfocus in that week. which basically means i have a greater focus than normal, but i have a hard time directing it. it's a double-edged sword, and it definitely contributed to my poor doing with my grades as i was completely unmotivated with my studies, and thus, unable to concentrate at classes at all. after that i returned home and started going to a psychologist weekly. spending the weekend with my friends and talking to her really helped me understand what caused the situation. i've since improved my social skills considerably, and with friends and family around i feel much, much better. i feel like now, more than ever, i have the most real friends and i really started to become a lot more outgoing, which to me, is a good thing. i've also learned to open up about my emotions, be it with my psychologist, my family, my friends, or you, reading this on a competitive pokémon forum.

i cannot recommend doing therapy enough, and being around people that truly support you and truly are there for you. obviously, like i stated earlier, it's not that simple for many of you, and while it's been a tough year for me last year, i still learned so much about myself. i hope you reading this can do the same. i hope you overcome whatever problem that haunts you, be it through therapy or other means, and i hope some day you will be able to look back and see how much you have learned, like i am doing right now. i don't expect anyone to have a speedy recovery as i did, or that therapy will magically solve all your problems the next day, but i'm sure with willpower and dedication you will be able to overcome whatever it is that torments you. obviously, i still have plenty of smaller issues myself that i will not be talking about on this post, but a step at a time, these problems can be beaten.



if you reading this ever needs to talk about anything on this topic (or any topic really) just shoot me a message on discord, i'll try my very best to help! i'm no expert, but every help counts. thanks for reading my story, i hope you have a wonderful day.
 
ive dealt with depression for a long time, i often tell people i feel ive lost YEARS of my life to letting myself be.
i could sit here and run through the list; that ultimately just makes me feel like a broken record talking of how i grew up as a kid at home; to how i went to school and how i was treated, to getting older and dating and trying use that as a resevoir for goodness and finding many use that as a resevoir for opporunity/utilities - bleed dry and go, to work, etc etc.
even just in the last handful of years ive lost a cousin & her mother (my aunt) within 2 months of one another - watched that family crumble. My uncle, my Grandpa, my best friends Mom (a mom to me).
I watched my family, friends, and eventual my "love" of YEARS at that point betray me and scorn me - even when i chose homelessness for said ex.
watched my dad grow sicker as we were pinned between eviction, finding a new home, and nto being able to afford getting him help or risk losing the ability at a home - GETTING SAID HOME CHRISTMAS EVE, and moving in on Christmas, hes dead early februrary - never seeing the home.
i've crumbled, rebuilt, and came back rising like a phoenix that richocheted off the rock bottom bouncing back up so many times it really took me losing my father & ex in the twisted ways i did to see the good i did have (dad) and the bad i accepted (ex) cus I didnt see the good I had for so long.

i'm not better now 100%, my dad only just died a few days ago, but i was lucky enough to become best frineds with him in recent years and if theres one thing i can hold faith in after being lost for so many years...
even before he passed i finally came into myself seeing everyone scorn me and still going on to see them fall by the wayside as i got my name on a new car, rebuilt myself, glowed up personally and even in the vain ways if wanted to be petty.. THEN to see my dad take on all that pain to make sure we got that home, and to be able to be the other name on it.
he wouldnt want me to break now.
sorry if that was all so jumbled I was leaving out a lot that felt hard to make sense of leaving out but were unnecessary rn.
i will miss my dad always and always probably battle this depression but im winning a lil more day but day.
 

Celticpride

Dance Like Nobody's Watching
is a Live Chat Contributoris a Top Team Rater Alumnusis a Social Media Contributor Alumnusis a Super Moderator Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnus
Anyone else feeling really freaking depressed from being stuck inside the house all the time? I miss all these little things that I’d never thought I’d miss or even notice. Not even stuff like going into the office (which Im also starting to miss a lot).
 
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Anyone else feeling really freaking depressed from being stuck inside the house all the time? I miss all these little things that I’d never thought I’d miss or even notice. Not even going into the office (which Im also starting to miss a lot).
I haven't seen anyone outside of the people I live with for 3 weeks now. The animal Crossing Fever wore off fairly quick and now I feel very alone. I'm trying to convince my parents to let me get a puppy but I don't think they'll budge. I've been getting back into CAP and ADV OU again but I dont think those will last either. I can get drunk so many days in a row before liver dies. I'm running out of Cigars... Send help.
 

Mr.E

unban me from Discord
is a Past SPL Champion
On the one hand, it's kinda funny seeing everyone else squirm going through a couple week's worth of what I've been going through my entire adult life. On the other hand, it means a lot more to me than normal people losing even the tiny scraps of social interaction I used to get. :pikuh:
 
It may end up being more than a couple weeks. As a vunerable person I've got at least 12.

The problem for me isn't staying inside. It's the insane anxiety that I get from everything being so different and abnormal. Before I could walk down and get a chocolate bar, now it's an entire procedure I have to go through. Everyone is wearing masks and there are constant emergency reminders and even roaming police. It spikes my anxiety really badly, and not being allowed to see my girlfriend for a while is making it much worse.
 

Decem

I lost a bet
is a Tutoris a member of the Site Staffis a Community Leaderis a Community Contributoris a Tiering Contributoris a Contributor to Smogonis a Battle Simulator Moderatoris a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnus
Monotype Leader
Anyone else feeling really freaking depressed from being stuck inside the house all the time? I miss all these little things that I’d never thought I’d miss or even notice. Not even stuff like going into the office (which Im also starting to miss a lot).
It's definitely something I've been feeling over the past few weeks due to the lack of school and other activities like volunteering and track I've been doing. It's very strange to feel that I would miss something like school, something that I hated getting up for and therefore something I felt that I needed a break from beforehand. Not having physical school is pretty draining in the sense that you don't have a lot of people to talk to every day, and you don't have peers and teachers that help you out face to face. Learning feels worse online for me because it's harder to concentrate and keep your schedule in line when you're one click away on the internet from doing something else that's way more fun than learning Spanish or trying to do trigonometry. It's hard to motivate myself to review my daily lessons and study when I don't have teachers or friends to constantly talk and relate to about the same struggles we were going through schoolwork wise.

For some background information, I'm a high school junior that was diagnosed with ADHD, an attention disorder, around December, and I've been taking medication since then which helps me concentrate on my daily activities. When I was undiagnosed, the fact that I couldn't seem to focus on anything really affected my confidence and made me feel extremely frustrated to the point where I would do irrational things because of the fact that it seemed like everyone was better than me, I wasn't good enough, and I was falling behind quick in the most competitive year of high school. All the distractions at home aside it was impossible to take in information in class too, I wouldn't understand anything material wise no matter how hard I tried and often found myself trying to review the material back at home without much success. It frustrated me because it seemed like everyone else could learn the material I could not super quick and get good test scores whereas I could not. It made me feel stupid and unable to learn, and affected my mental health tremendously.

However, in the spring, things started turning around for me once I was diagnosed and I had medication to help me concentrate. I could learn the material and my mental health was in good shape again. Admittedly my grades aren't too good, but that's mainly just study habits that need to be made to give myself a nudge in the correct direction. I'm particularly proud of myself for getting B+s and As on some Physics tests and projects, and I'm happy to say that my grade's improving in that class, especially when it was a subject I struggled in tremendously before in the first semester. I'm also happy that I made some friends on my track team to add onto the friends I already had, and I started volunteering at the library again and even got a thank you note for my long term helpfulness. It feels like I have things under control again, which is really nice, and I think I have my future more or less laid out for myself at this point in time.

But yeah in conclusion, I miss a lot of the everyday activities that used to happen before the coronavirus outbreak hit. School is something I really want back now, because it was something I really started to enjoy in contrast to earlier on in high school where I absolutely dreaded it because of my situation at hand. I also miss other activities like hanging out with friends and volunteering at the library, and I don't really have structure to my day now. I'm planning to make a schedule to get things on track schoolwork wise and look into other activities like art, where I'm trying to learn how to paint and taking jogs and walks daily, sometimes with a friend, sometimes by myself. I especially recommend the latter to people that are tired of being stuck at home since the breath of fresh air can really help you relax and feel refreshed, which helps when doing work and studying and is good for staying in shape. I stopped by an old friend's house earlier tonight when I was taking a walk, and it was really nice to have a face to face conversation with him. Keeping in touch with your friends/family during this sad time is really nice. Stay safe everyone, and hopefully this situation blows over soon.
 

M2H

formerly MewtwoHidden
This month I've went from high functioning depression to barely functioning depression. I just hope I can grind out another week or two of productivity so that I can finish this semester and relax a little.
 
I've been feeling a lot of negativity over the past couple of months related to circumcision. It's keeping me up at night and occupies my thoughts whenever I'm not distracted by something. Partly due to having it forced on me as an infant and the discontent at having a disfigured body that doesn't function like it should, and knowing that the changes are permanent. Partly due to researching it and finding a ton of misinformation and hypocrisy, along with the fact that it's just largely ignored as an issue in the political/social sphere, which means that the same thing is happening to other people and they'll continue to suffer years into the future.

I talked to one of my parents which was nice but talking doesn't really change anything. Also spent a bunch of time and effort on restoration with no results. I don't think there's anything that I can really do except try and ignore it and hope it goes away eventually. Maybe I can try talking to a therapist once the Coronavirus situation quiets down but again, that doesn't really fix anything.
 
This is something I have wanted to get off my chest for a while but I have been lying about being a college student for the past year to people online.
I have not been diagnosed with depression, and I am not sure if I have it but I know that there is something wrong with me that I am not really able to figure out. During my fall semester of college I failed 4 out of the 7 classes I took including a 1 credit class that was supposed to be an easy A, I have always struggled with homework through my life and homework was the main reason I failed all those classes but in high school I was able to manage to get my homework at least in late and in college that wasn't the case. I was put in to academic probation for my second semester and I knew something was wrong when I couldn't motivate myself to go to classes, I didn't miss a single class all of the previous semester and yet I couldn't even get to a single class on time if at all the second one. I have been lying to all my friends about still being in college because I am still embarrassed about the whole situation and don't want people to think less of me but I find myself getting upset whenever one of my online friends asks me how college is going. I got in to a bunch of arguments with my parents over school and that also affected me negatively, I dropped out of all my classes midway through my second semester and I haven't signed up for any since. I have been planning to sign up next semester but I am still nervous about how it might go.
 

Lina

the 1
is a Battle Simulator Moderator Alumnus
Hi there, I feel like it's time to share my own story on my own depression. Last year I ended my first ever romantic relationship, due to a variety of issues in the relationship. One of the reasons was that my ex didn't make me happy anymore and being with them was dragging me down. I experienced the usual emotions that accompanies a break up. I ended up rebounding with a very sweet guy luckily, but after a month I realised that he wasn't for me and that I had rebounded. After that I began to feel empty and dull and it was like the colour and beauty of the world had faded. Occasionally I felt sad, occasionally I felt numb, other times I'd feel angry but these emotions were fleeting and the only thing that really stayed was the numbness.

After talking to my Mum, I made an appointment to see a doctor to get a referral to see a psychologist. I wasn't formally diagnosed with depression as that would have cost a lot more than what my Medicare would allow, but the test that I took indicated that I had mild depression. My psychologist was amazing and after a few sessions with her I began to feel better on an emotional level and more balanced. I found myself a job to focus on and I did eventually try online dating again. But the second guy that I dated was even more messed up than me and I ended things quickly. The book that my psychologist recommend that I read was called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and that book has really helped me with my mild depression. It can be a little kooky but it's pretty great too. It even has an exercise about learning to forgive someone.

Nowadays I am doing a lot better, I still have the occasional off days, but I've been handling them a lot better than before. The virus has knocked me around a little, but things have been getting better. I have some advice for the people reading this. Do not ignore your own mental health for the sake of others, because it will eventually crash and burn. It's okay to be a little selfish in regards to yourself and your self care and mental health needs. It's okay to put yourself first, that doesn't make you a bad person. Thanks for reading!
 

Kaitlyn

Heatrans Rights
Hey y'all, wanted to make a post here again since my last one was pretty bad and a lot has happened since.

So, I'm depressed. Unfortunately, I have never been able to see a medical professional about this, due to reasons involving restrictive parents and my own crippling fear of telling people my problems face to face. Not being properly diagnosed actually makes me feel horrible, half the time I think I'm some insane person who just invented being depressed to "fit in". So, seeing a psychiatrist is definitely a top priority for me now.

The last post I made here was in October of 2018, soon after my sister died. I can relate my declining mental health a lot to those events, but truthfully, I was depressed for a while before that and didn't want to admit it. School and home life have never really been ideal for me, and it's especially hard when the (hopefully) one friend I would make over the course of a school year would be moved into a different class. Not being allowed a phone pretty much meant that I would have to start all over again. I am painfully socially inept and get severely anxious when confronted with even simple tasks, like paying the pizza delivery guy. A lot of people I know on here don't realize this because I use the internet as a mask. I tend to act boisterous, fun, and approachable in an effort to make friends.

I never really even had friends on the internet up until recently. While I had one close one around the time of 2018, I never really made an effort to connect with a lot of other people, and my personality would sometimes shut other away. I went on PS and Smogon to play games, and I never really considered it could be an escape outside of that. I had been detached and sleepwalking through life for a while until February 2019, when I met an amazing friend group who I felt like I could tell stuff I never told anyone else. Along with that, my emotions and feelings started coming back to me. Unfortunately, this also meant I felt more depressed than ever before. Along with IRL stuff happening, what should've been a glimmer of hope translated into some of the worst months of my life.

Around March 2019 was when I first actively considered suicide. It was such a surreal experience for me, because I always considered myself "above" that in a sense. As in, "I may be depressed, but I'd never even think about suicide." Looking back on it, repeating that to myself was more of a coping mechanism than an actually true statement. I had experienced my sister and her depression first-hand, and it was something that I cannot forget. I remember vividly having to rush to the hospital because my sister had cut her wrists. It scarred me, and it put this idea into my head that I would never do something like that. And, I haven't. Although I still have suicidal thoughts, I have never attempted it. While a positive overall, It has actually made my mental health worse. Using backwards logic, I often think of myself as a coward. Incredibly fucked up, yes, but to this day I regard myself as too afraid to kill myself, and it only makes my hatred towards me as a person stronger.

As of now, I think I'm mentally stronger than I was a little over a year ago. I still keep in touch with my friends, and I've learned to handle situations better. I take anti-depressants that are not over the counter, and whether that has actually helped, or just covered up the problem with a Band-Aid, I couldn't say. Either way, I'm far from cured. I still feel actively detached from the world around me, and graduating from HS this year with zero future has me terrified. I always feel shitty for relying on my friends for support, it's not like they asked to deal with my heaps of emotional problems. It makes me feel like I'm pity pandering, and I hate that. But I have realized that I cannot continue to rely on myself.
 
Around March 2019 was when I first actively considered suicide. It was such a surreal experience for me, because I always considered myself "above" that in a sense. As in, "I may be depressed, but I'd never even think about suicide." Looking back on it, repeating that to myself was more of a coping mechanism than an actually true statement. I had experienced my sister and her depression first-hand, and it was something that I cannot forget. I remember vividly having to rush to the hospital because my sister had cut her wrists. It scarred me, and it put this idea into my head that I would never do something like that. And, I haven't. Although I still have suicidal thoughts, I have never attempted it. While a positive overall, It has actually made my mental health worse. Using backwards logic, I often think of myself as a coward. Incredibly fucked up, yes, but to this day I regard myself as too afraid to kill myself, and it only makes my hatred towards me as a person stronger.
I feel I can relate to this whole section quite a bit. I have for years told myself that I’m too afraid to actually commit suicide. Afraid of the physical pain, afraid of actual death, afraid of missing the experiences I’ve longed for because I gave up too soon, afraid for my mother (who confided in me that even now approaching her sixties, she still self harms). The way I look at it though is this cowardice has at times been the only thing keeping me going in a backwards way. If I wasn’t afraid, I wouldn’t be here. I very easily slip into self loathing, but I can’t hate myself for being afraid to die. That fear is a good thing in the same way fear can protect you in any dangerous situation, in this case it protects me when the danger is myself.

Like you, I’ve witnessed depression, self destruction, and suicide in my immediate family. This is... such a complicated mix of emotions to experience, especially growing up. My grandmother attempted first when I was very young, which led to my mother screaming and crying. Not long after my mother attempted too, and I sat in bed with her as she recovered and ranted nonsensically. She attempted again not long after that, but was stopped by my stepfather. Then my sister tried to jump off a bridge, but was stopped by my mother. Then my other sister attempted but was caught by her roommate. Many many years later after growing up surrounded on all sides by self destructive people, I am not surprised I am the way that I am. When I made my attempt I panicked immediately after and ran to my best friend, who I lived with at the time. He took care of me. Do I feel bad for burdening him with that? I don’t know. It’s a burden I’ve had since early childhood, I can’t even separate it from myself. It’s integral to my upbringing, which is fucked up, but *shrug* I know it hurt him to see me like that... but people hurt each other, that’s how life is. It helped me realize that I didn’t always need to turn all of these emotions inward and hurt myself. I would (and have) do anything for him now, because even if he felt burdened, he still helped me when I needed him.

I will say though, as an adult I feel I am able to pull people out of that dark place better because of my own experiences. My sister was suicidal again when she lost her baby a few years back. We spent so many hours just talking about it. I couldn’t fix anything for her, but I was there. I hope that I made that experience just a tiny bit more bearable for her.
 

Mr.E

unban me from Discord
is a Past SPL Champion
Death is arguably much preferable to life, if anything is cowardly it's killing yourself rather than deigning to endure the suffering long enough to find the light or die trying. Back in the day when I at least considered suicide an option (I don't anymore), I was never afraid of death. I was afraid of failing and having to continue to live an even worse life, piling disfigurement and cognitive disfunction and possibly confinement in a padded room on top of life's existing problems because society insists life is so innately precious that we as individuals aren't allowed to opt out of agreeing with that sentiment. But I'd say it's a matter of pragmatism. One might be influenced by fear to act one way or the other, but there is nothing inherently cowardly about either choice.

Nothing much to report on my end, still as alone as ever. The bad feelings come and go. It's mostly at night when I'm ruminating and reading depressing shit on Reddit I probably would be better off not reading that I get most down and it drives my chronic insomnia/undersleeping. A woman from my yoga classes recently added me as a friend on Facebook. She's happily married and significantly older, so this isn't liable to lead to any meaningful gains in the socioromantic realm, but it's nice to realize I might not be completely invisible. Maybe someday I'll be acknowledged by a reasonably attractive, single woman my age. Preferably before I hit my 40's.
 

UberSkitty

cuz I got banned from gen 8
is a Contributor to Smogon
Yeah I'm still alive.

In February I'd be the only one home right after school so I'd go into my mom's room and look for where she kept the bottles of medications. One Thursday I found bottles with my medications in my mom's room and gulped them down. I just sat on the couch. My mom got home and after a while I called out to her "mom, call 911" and tossed her an empty medication bottle. Next thing I knew it was a week later and I was in the emergency room and I had been in a coma. I had a tube going up my nose and down my throat, as well as some other places. I couldn't eat solid food or walk for the next week, and the tubes were still in for most of it. I had to practice the walking a couple times.

Then I got transferred to the psychiatric unit, except this time it was with adults since I'm 18 now. The people there ranged just as much as my previous hospitalizations in how likable they were, but there were some pretty cool people there near the end of my stay. One of the staff had a Nintendo Switch so we would play Smash Bros on it. We also played ping pong, which I'm apparently good at. Otherwise it was kinda boring, since a lot of the patients wanted to watch the news on the single television, which was always talking about COVID19. Also because of COVID19, visitors weren't allowed, the most my mom could do was bring food to the lobby and have a staff member bring it upstairs. There were also phones, so I was able to talk to her, my dad, and my sister quite a few times.

I got put on new medications but the worst part of the the hospitalization was called ECT, which stands for Electro-Convulsive-Therapy. I would be made unconscious and given a seizure because that apparently helps with depression. When I was first told about it they said they'd by doing it 3 times a week and a total of 12 times. They also said that each time they would give me a shot for protection. I said I didn't want to do it due to my hatred of needles, but they threatened to take my to court. I gave in so I could get the procedure over with. They had to put another needle in my arm so they could implant fluids that would knock me out. When the procedure was being put in place, each time the fluids were being flushed into my arm was extremely painful, and they'd have to give me an oxygen mask to help me breathe. And I still have to go back a couple more times, even though I've done it something like 17 times.

I don't think I intend to try to kill or hurt myself again. However, I still get frustrated with myself easily and constantly think about everything I've done wrong. That often includes an insult at myself. I still feel shitty a lot.
 

faded love

just another graceless night.
is a Tiering Contributor
To preface this, I would like to thank my friends yeezyknows, Finchinator, and Funbot28 for being brave enough to share their stories and inspire me to share my own, as well as CBU, Sage, and vivalospride for being there for me at my lowest points.

Also, if you find any syntactical errors, please do your best to forgive them, similar to my intellect, my typing skills are not up to the level I want from them.

Anyway, here goes:



I won’t bore you with the entirety of my depression story. Like most others, the discovery that I had it came after a series of agonizing sessions with my therapist, exploratory google searches, and a relentless feeling of confusion.

I don’t remember the day it really set it in that I have this illness of neurochemistry that dictates large swaths of how I live on a whim, but I do remember the innumerable questions it raised when it did.

I remember them because they still plague me to this very moment.

“Why?” is usually the most pressing one.

As I write this, the current pandemic has disrupted all of my senior year activities. Things like Prom and the Farewell Pep Rally are cancelled, and Graduation is currently up in the air leaving me to wonder why this would have to happen as yet another link in a long chain of disappointments in my life so far.

I’m also wondering why my brain has to work like this, why the things in life I loved so much before stop mattering, why all my motivation drains without me willing it to, why any of the things in my life are the way they are.

Such is the human condition to ask these matters of existence, I know.

I can’t ignore them like most others do is the problem, and this is compounded by my meager intellect being wholly insufficient in finding any clues to the answer I hunger for.


As I write this, I’m looking out of my second floor room’s window.

It’s bright out, typical of California in May. The sun is an incessant child, often staying out for far longer than what is considered comfortable for me. The leaves of the trees are blowing in the wind. The rare echoes of passerby vehicles are the only things populating the soundscape.

In spite of all of this natural beauty, parts of me I’d rather wish didn’t exist, parts that I wish I was strong enough to ignore, are whispering into me to just get over myself and do it, to take it upon myself to shuffle of this mortal coil, with gravity and concrete as my accomplices, as death is the only escape from this gnawing ache in my chest, these unanswerable questions, that actually works permanently.

Of course, I am not going to do it. I don’t plan on coming to an end today or tomorrow, or for a while for that matter.

But, I can’t help but indulge in wondering why my brain has to do this, has to taint anything remotely good in life that comes my way.

And there are the questions again, and I know the questions of why lead to questions of escape which lead inevitably to those damned whispers.

The cycle repeats.

The snake eats its tail.

I know it gets better, because I’ve cycled through depressive episodes and non-depressive episodes before, but it’s a hard road to walk.

It’s the only one I have right now though, so take that for what you will.

Now, if only sunset could come a little quicker.
 

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