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Serious Depression

lepton

im fragile, but not that fragile
is a Tiering Contributor
I completely relate to you Mr. E. While im sill in school, I have failed so many times to get close to people that ive pretty much given up at this point. I going to leave for college this year so im just looking to get a fresh start then. like people dont dislike me, well at least im pretty sure, but when i sit down at lunch or stuff no one ever sits next to me. like i try to hang out with people that are in my classes, and they dont like ignore me, but even i can tell that they dont really want to hang out with me. The only time people talk to me is when they ask for help with a problem or something. people on discord seem to like me so im good at least for now.
 
Hi all,

Not really sure what this response is going to turn into, but I just wanted to say that I've been there and so have many others. You are not alone!

I suffer from chronic mental health issues. I first sought help when I was around 18, although I probably should have found a way to do so earlier. I grew up with family who worked in medical, and I just kept hearing them talk about how depression and anxiety cases were 90% fake and people were overmedicating and using it as an excuse. At the same time, I also heard my mother constantly tell me that I'm miserable, I always look miserable, I never smile, etc. I remember one time she told me that I was a happy toddler and one day she noticed that I lost the spark in my eye. I think that may have been the moment where it started for me, although I didn't realize.

Fast forward when I moved out on my own to a new city and started my career. It was very difficult for me and I consulted people many times, often crying in offices seeking help. At one point my doctor told me that I needed to suck it up. It was discouraging. Finally I got my doctor to listen to me and I was finally evaluated by a psychologist and told that I was severely depressed, but bipolar disorder wound up on my medical file. I spent two years fighting that diagnosis because I didn't feel that it was correct and the medications that I was told to take actually don't treat anything but bipolar but are also toxic to the body, I didn't want to take them if they weren't doing anything good for me.

Many visits to a psychologist and psychotherapy sessions, my diagnosis is chronic moderate anxiety disorder with depressive mood. What it means is that I will likely always suffer from anxiety to a degree, and if I don't address it then it leads to me becoming depressed. Through cognitive behavioural therapy I've learned my signs, how to communicate what is going on with me, and importantly what my own set of tools to deal are. I'm not coping, I'm living and thriving. My life has never felt better!

Now, I don't want you to read this and become discouraged. What I want you to get out of this is that mental health can be intimidating and it can be challenging. But keep trying because you can become empowered to live a happy life, it just might take some work. This is an illness, not a curse. You deserve happiness and love, you are loved (don't discount the love of strangers!) and you can find a happy place.
 

Jerry the great

Banned deucer.
We all know depression is a bad thing to feel. But about that... I used to regularly get depressed back when I was 12. It got me into quite some trouble with my family, and my friendships were at stake. Guidance seemed to do nothing, and neither did my grandparents. Eventually, it was near the point of taking my life. However, before it actually did, I developed a thought process of "hold up! I'm too young to be dead! I have so much to experience and live for!" It didn't stop me from being depressed, but it stopped me before I bothered trying to end my life and I never ended up doing it. However, at some point when I was at the age of 13, I developed a thought process of "you may struggle now, but don't worry! It'll get a lot better! You will eventually escape your struggles, life will get better later on, and you should have so much to be happy for!" And since then, I never was truly depressed again. I did manage many of my struggles. My life was getting better as I knew it. And I ended up with so many things that constantly make me happy with just the thought of them.

Nobody deserves to be depressed though. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness and living a great life. On a final note over here, if you tend to get depressed, just realize that if you try to overcome life's obstacles, you will overcome your struggles and life will get better. Life may suck now for those of you who get depressed, but don't worry. It'll get better. You just gotta let the world take some time to make your life better. Please. Your life matters. You have many fun stuff you've never even experienced yet! Peace.
 

lydian

art by @ohr_cn
is a Top Artistis a Forum Moderatoris a Top Smogon Media Contributoris a Top Social Media Contributor Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Top Contributor Alumnus
Moderator
hey everyone,

i was reading some posts here the other day and i concluded i should share my own story here, i haven't talked too much about it on a grander scale (mostly because i'm more reserved, especially with emotions and stuff like this), but i figured posting here could perhaps help one or two of you, and i really hope it does. to preface, my situation is relatively scaled-down compared to most of the stuff i've read here, this is no problem on its own, of course, but as my depression has been since mostly cured, i don't want this to come of as some kind of "you can win vs your depression it's easy" kinda post. on the contrary, i acknowledge everyone has their own problems and demons to deal with, and stuff like depression is never "that simple". but before i tell you guys about my story i'll need to tell a bit about myself.



i've always been the weird kid, honestly. in elementary school i had little friends and they shared these mostly gaming interests, be it minecraft, pokémon, or whatever it was. i was close with them but i still felt a bit left out for some reason i can't quite put my finger on. but then because of reasons unrelated to me, i ended up moving schools in middle school. i kept friendship with like two friends from the old school, but i still didn't see them very often. in the new school, i didn't really make any friends in my first year there but moreso acquaintances, the other kids were never mean or condescending towards me, but i'd often be alone during the breaks between classes. basically what i'm getting at here is that since i was in middle school i've been rather used to being alone and having no real friends, this will be important later. in the following years i got to know the people a tad better and one of my friends from the previous school also moved to the same school as me, we were (and still are) really close friends, but he was the only one i had. back then i was almost a bit jealous of him as he became friends with the people i was trying to be friends with for a really long time, i now realize that moving schools so suddenly coupled with my shyness probably inhibited some of the social skills i was supposed to learn by then. as of now i believe i already have them improved, though!

high school was also a similar vibe, i'd see my friends going out to parties and stuff like that, but it'd be left out a handful of times. again i was never excluded, but i wasn't really close friends with anyone to be invited, so that became even more of a burden to me. but well, i got used to it, i'd always be on my own, trying to remedy my loneliness by drawing or being on my phone. i think another potential problem is that due to the fact i've always been high scoring on tests and stuff like that it was hard to relate too much to my friends on that sense, and i guess some of them could see it was seeing myself as superior or something stupid like that which was definitely not the case. so what did middle school / high school cause to me: i got used to being completely alone and not minding it (which has its upsides and its downsides), i hadn't developed my social skills well enough to that point in life at all, and most importantly i would open up about my feelings, not even to myself.



and now onto university which was when the big sad happened. i moved to a city called são carlos, which is a couple of hours away from são paulo, which in turn is rather far from my hometown, vitória. i had to take a one hour plane to são paulo, and four more hours on a bus everytime i wanted to go from one city to another. this, along with the relatively high price of plane flights, made it impossible for me to return home often. most of the people in my university though, lived nearby, like legitimately 95% of my class. so they could easily go back home in the weekends without any stress after one or two hours of bus, and spend the weekend with their family and old friends. i didn't have that option. as the year went on, i'd spend countless weekends alone, without a single social interaction except leaving for food, or ordering a takeout.

from this point, everything started going downhill as you can imagine, i didn't make any real friends, but moreso acquaintances. again they'd be friendly to me and invite me to eventual parties, but i still didn't have anyone to talk, or anyone to spend my weekends with. that allied with the fact that engineering university is absurdly hard, ended up setting me on a downward spiral, a vicious cycle, a positive feedback loop, that would eventually lead me into depression. i would start sleeping late because i started to have trouble sleeping, that made me wake up later, miss classes, and become even less motivated. missing classes would make my grades dip, and that again really hurt me. i also started to rely on my hobbies as a way to mask my pain, be it competitive pokémon, random games, making music, or anything of the likes. missing classes also made me see my university colleagues even less, which also didn't help. but the main problem is that i didn't really notice my depression myself. i've always been used to being alone, and i'd always shrug off my emotions anyway, so i was just left seeing myself descend the depression spiral yet not being able to do anything about it until it was too late.

i eventually found myself sleeping at nearly 6am everyday, and either missing my morning classes or stay sleep deprived for a whole day. i started to lose motivation even for my hobbies which should explain my disability to do smogon related stuff in that period of time, and in general a complete lack of energy to do literally anything. and of couse i was having some unsalvageable grades. when i realized my condition i started studying a lot for my final exams, but it still wasn't enough for most of them. i ended up passing in a mere two classes out of the seven i took. i tried to give myself a second chance in the second semester, but i still didn't have the willpower to revert my condition, and one month in i was already sleeping at 6am and missing classes again.



from there my parents had to step in and convince me to get out of there, it was really hard for me and for them, but it eventually worked out. i spent a week in são paulo with a psychologist so that she could access the situation. i was also diagnosed with add and hyperfocus in that week. which basically means i have a greater focus than normal, but i have a hard time directing it. it's a double-edged sword, and it definitely contributed to my poor doing with my grades as i was completely unmotivated with my studies, and thus, unable to concentrate at classes at all. after that i returned home and started going to a psychologist weekly. spending the weekend with my friends and talking to her really helped me understand what caused the situation. i've since improved my social skills considerably, and with friends and family around i feel much, much better. i feel like now, more than ever, i have the most real friends and i really started to become a lot more outgoing, which to me, is a good thing. i've also learned to open up about my emotions, be it with my psychologist, my family, my friends, or you, reading this on a competitive pokémon forum.

i cannot recommend doing therapy enough, and being around people that truly support you and truly are there for you. obviously, like i stated earlier, it's not that simple for many of you, and while it's been a tough year for me last year, i still learned so much about myself. i hope you reading this can do the same. i hope you overcome whatever problem that haunts you, be it through therapy or other means, and i hope some day you will be able to look back and see how much you have learned, like i am doing right now. i don't expect anyone to have a speedy recovery as i did, or that therapy will magically solve all your problems the next day, but i'm sure with willpower and dedication you will be able to overcome whatever it is that torments you. obviously, i still have plenty of smaller issues myself that i will not be talking about on this post, but a step at a time, these problems can be beaten.



if you reading this ever needs to talk about anything on this topic (or any topic really) just shoot me a message on discord, i'll try my very best to help! i'm no expert, but every help counts. thanks for reading my story, i hope you have a wonderful day.
 
ive dealt with depression for a long time, i often tell people i feel ive lost YEARS of my life to letting myself be.
i could sit here and run through the list; that ultimately just makes me feel like a broken record talking of how i grew up as a kid at home; to how i went to school and how i was treated, to getting older and dating and trying use that as a resevoir for goodness and finding many use that as a resevoir for opporunity/utilities - bleed dry and go, to work, etc etc.
even just in the last handful of years ive lost a cousin & her mother (my aunt) within 2 months of one another - watched that family crumble. My uncle, my Grandpa, my best friends Mom (a mom to me).
I watched my family, friends, and eventual my "love" of YEARS at that point betray me and scorn me - even when i chose homelessness for said ex.
watched my dad grow sicker as we were pinned between eviction, finding a new home, and nto being able to afford getting him help or risk losing the ability at a home - GETTING SAID HOME CHRISTMAS EVE, and moving in on Christmas, hes dead early februrary - never seeing the home.
i've crumbled, rebuilt, and came back rising like a phoenix that richocheted off the rock bottom bouncing back up so many times it really took me losing my father & ex in the twisted ways i did to see the good i did have (dad) and the bad i accepted (ex) cus I didnt see the good I had for so long.

i'm not better now 100%, my dad only just died a few days ago, but i was lucky enough to become best frineds with him in recent years and if theres one thing i can hold faith in after being lost for so many years...
even before he passed i finally came into myself seeing everyone scorn me and still going on to see them fall by the wayside as i got my name on a new car, rebuilt myself, glowed up personally and even in the vain ways if wanted to be petty.. THEN to see my dad take on all that pain to make sure we got that home, and to be able to be the other name on it.
he wouldnt want me to break now.
sorry if that was all so jumbled I was leaving out a lot that felt hard to make sense of leaving out but were unnecessary rn.
i will miss my dad always and always probably battle this depression but im winning a lil more day but day.
 
Anyone else feeling really freaking depressed from being stuck inside the house all the time? I miss all these little things that I’d never thought I’d miss or even notice. Not even stuff like going into the office (which Im also starting to miss a lot).
 
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Anyone else feeling really freaking depressed from being stuck inside the house all the time? I miss all these little things that I’d never thought I’d miss or even notice. Not even going into the office (which Im also starting to miss a lot).
I haven't seen anyone outside of the people I live with for 3 weeks now. The animal Crossing Fever wore off fairly quick and now I feel very alone. I'm trying to convince my parents to let me get a puppy but I don't think they'll budge. I've been getting back into CAP and ADV OU again but I dont think those will last either. I can get drunk so many days in a row before liver dies. I'm running out of Cigars... Send help.
 

Mr.E

unban me from Discord
is a Two-Time Past SPL Champion
On the one hand, it's kinda funny seeing everyone else squirm going through a couple week's worth of what I've been going through my entire adult life. On the other hand, it means a lot more to me than normal people losing even the tiny scraps of social interaction I used to get. :pikuh:
 
It may end up being more than a couple weeks. As a vunerable person I've got at least 12.

The problem for me isn't staying inside. It's the insane anxiety that I get from everything being so different and abnormal. Before I could walk down and get a chocolate bar, now it's an entire procedure I have to go through. Everyone is wearing masks and there are constant emergency reminders and even roaming police. It spikes my anxiety really badly, and not being allowed to see my girlfriend for a while is making it much worse.
 

mushamu

Move forward
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Anyone else feeling really freaking depressed from being stuck inside the house all the time? I miss all these little things that I’d never thought I’d miss or even notice. Not even stuff like going into the office (which Im also starting to miss a lot).
It's definitely something I've been feeling over the past few weeks due to the lack of school and other activities like volunteering and track I've been doing. It's very strange to feel that I would miss something like school, something that I hated getting up for and therefore something I felt that I needed a break from beforehand. Not having physical school is pretty draining in the sense that you don't have a lot of people to talk to every day, and you don't have peers and teachers that help you out face to face. Learning feels worse online for me because it's harder to concentrate and keep your schedule in line when you're one click away on the internet from doing something else that's way more fun than learning Spanish or trying to do trigonometry. It's hard to motivate myself to review my daily lessons and study when I don't have teachers or friends to constantly talk and relate to about the same struggles we were going through schoolwork wise.

For some background information, I'm a high school junior that was diagnosed with ADHD, an attention disorder, around December, and I've been taking medication since then which helps me concentrate on my daily activities. When I was undiagnosed, the fact that I couldn't seem to focus on anything really affected my confidence and made me feel extremely frustrated to the point where I would do irrational things because of the fact that it seemed like everyone was better than me, I wasn't good enough, and I was falling behind quick in the most competitive year of high school. All the distractions at home aside it was impossible to take in information in class too, I wouldn't understand anything material wise no matter how hard I tried and often found myself trying to review the material back at home without much success. It frustrated me because it seemed like everyone else could learn the material I could not super quick and get good test scores whereas I could not. It made me feel stupid and unable to learn, and affected my mental health tremendously.

However, in the spring, things started turning around for me once I was diagnosed and I had medication to help me concentrate. I could learn the material and my mental health was in good shape again. Admittedly my grades aren't too good, but that's mainly just study habits that need to be made to give myself a nudge in the correct direction. I'm particularly proud of myself for getting B+s and As on some Physics tests and projects, and I'm happy to say that my grade's improving in that class, especially when it was a subject I struggled in tremendously before in the first semester. I'm also happy that I made some friends on my track team to add onto the friends I already had, and I started volunteering at the library again and even got a thank you note for my long term helpfulness. It feels like I have things under control again, which is really nice, and I think I have my future more or less laid out for myself at this point in time.

But yeah in conclusion, I miss a lot of the everyday activities that used to happen before the coronavirus outbreak hit. School is something I really want back now, because it was something I really started to enjoy in contrast to earlier on in high school where I absolutely dreaded it because of my situation at hand. I also miss other activities like hanging out with friends and volunteering at the library, and I don't really have structure to my day now. I'm planning to make a schedule to get things on track schoolwork wise and look into other activities like art, where I'm trying to learn how to paint and taking jogs and walks daily, sometimes with a friend, sometimes by myself. I especially recommend the latter to people that are tired of being stuck at home since the breath of fresh air can really help you relax and feel refreshed, which helps when doing work and studying and is good for staying in shape. I stopped by an old friend's house earlier tonight when I was taking a walk, and it was really nice to have a face to face conversation with him. Keeping in touch with your friends/family during this sad time is really nice. Stay safe everyone, and hopefully this situation blows over soon.
 
This month I've went from high functioning depression to barely functioning depression. I just hope I can grind out another week or two of productivity so that I can finish this semester and relax a little.
 
I've been feeling a lot of negativity over the past couple of months related to circumcision. It's keeping me up at night and occupies my thoughts whenever I'm not distracted by something. Partly due to having it forced on me as an infant and the discontent at having a disfigured body that doesn't function like it should, and knowing that the changes are permanent. Partly due to researching it and finding a ton of misinformation and hypocrisy, along with the fact that it's just largely ignored as an issue in the political/social sphere, which means that the same thing is happening to other people and they'll continue to suffer years into the future.

I talked to one of my parents which was nice but talking doesn't really change anything. Also spent a bunch of time and effort on restoration with no results. I don't think there's anything that I can really do except try and ignore it and hope it goes away eventually. Maybe I can try talking to a therapist once the Coronavirus situation quiets down but again, that doesn't really fix anything.
 
This is something I have wanted to get off my chest for a while but I have been lying about being a college student for the past year to people online.
I have not been diagnosed with depression, and I am not sure if I have it but I know that there is something wrong with me that I am not really able to figure out. During my fall semester of college I failed 4 out of the 7 classes I took including a 1 credit class that was supposed to be an easy A, I have always struggled with homework through my life and homework was the main reason I failed all those classes but in high school I was able to manage to get my homework at least in late and in college that wasn't the case. I was put in to academic probation for my second semester and I knew something was wrong when I couldn't motivate myself to go to classes, I didn't miss a single class all of the previous semester and yet I couldn't even get to a single class on time if at all the second one. I have been lying to all my friends about still being in college because I am still embarrassed about the whole situation and don't want people to think less of me but I find myself getting upset whenever one of my online friends asks me how college is going. I got in to a bunch of arguments with my parents over school and that also affected me negatively, I dropped out of all my classes midway through my second semester and I haven't signed up for any since. I have been planning to sign up next semester but I am still nervous about how it might go.
 

Lina

My Universe
is a Battle Simulator Moderator Alumnus
Hi there, I feel like it's time to share my own story on my own depression. Last year I ended my first ever romantic relationship, due to a variety of issues in the relationship. One of the reasons was that my ex didn't make me happy anymore and being with them was dragging me down. I experienced the usual emotions that accompanies a break up. I ended up rebounding with a very sweet guy luckily, but after a month I realised that he wasn't for me and that I had rebounded. After that I began to feel empty and dull and it was like the colour and beauty of the world had faded. Occasionally I felt sad, occasionally I felt numb, other times I'd feel angry but these emotions were fleeting and the only thing that really stayed was the numbness.

After talking to my Mum, I made an appointment to see a doctor to get a referral to see a psychologist. I wasn't formally diagnosed with depression as that would have cost a lot more than what my Medicare would allow, but the test that I took indicated that I had mild depression. My psychologist was amazing and after a few sessions with her I began to feel better on an emotional level and more balanced. I found myself a job to focus on and I did eventually try online dating again. But the second guy that I dated was even more messed up than me and I ended things quickly. The book that my psychologist recommend that I read was called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and that book has really helped me with my mild depression. It can be a little kooky but it's pretty great too. It even has an exercise about learning to forgive someone.

Nowadays I am doing a lot better, I still have the occasional off days, but I've been handling them a lot better than before. The virus has knocked me around a little, but things have been getting better. I have some advice for the people reading this. Do not ignore your own mental health for the sake of others, because it will eventually crash and burn. It's okay to be a little selfish in regards to yourself and your self care and mental health needs. It's okay to put yourself first, that doesn't make you a bad person. Thanks for reading!
 

Kate

Heatrans Rights
is a Pre-Contributor
Hey y'all, wanted to make a post here again since my last one was pretty bad and a lot has happened since.

So, I'm depressed. Unfortunately, I have never been able to see a medical professional about this, due to reasons involving restrictive parents and my own crippling fear of telling people my problems face to face. Not being properly diagnosed actually makes me feel horrible, half the time I think I'm some insane person who just invented being depressed to "fit in". So, seeing a psychiatrist is definitely a top priority for me now.

The last post I made here was in October of 2018, soon after my sister died. I can relate my declining mental health a lot to those events, but truthfully, I was depressed for a while before that and didn't want to admit it. School and home life have never really been ideal for me, and it's especially hard when the (hopefully) one friend I would make over the course of a school year would be moved into a different class. Not being allowed a phone pretty much meant that I would have to start all over again. I am painfully socially inept and get severely anxious when confronted with even simple tasks, like paying the pizza delivery guy. A lot of people I know on here don't realize this because I use the internet as a mask. I tend to act boisterous, fun, and approachable in an effort to make friends.

I never really even had friends on the internet up until recently. While I had one close one around the time of 2018, I never really made an effort to connect with a lot of other people, and my personality would sometimes shut other away. I went on PS and Smogon to play games, and I never really considered it could be an escape outside of that. I had been detached and sleepwalking through life for a while until February 2019, when I met an amazing friend group who I felt like I could tell stuff I never told anyone else. Along with that, my emotions and feelings started coming back to me. Unfortunately, this also meant I felt more depressed than ever before. Along with IRL stuff happening, what should've been a glimmer of hope translated into some of the worst months of my life.

Around March 2019 was when I first actively considered suicide. It was such a surreal experience for me, because I always considered myself "above" that in a sense. As in, "I may be depressed, but I'd never even think about suicide." Looking back on it, repeating that to myself was more of a coping mechanism than an actually true statement. I had experienced my sister and her depression first-hand, and it was something that I cannot forget. I remember vividly having to rush to the hospital because my sister had cut her wrists. It scarred me, and it put this idea into my head that I would never do something like that. And, I haven't. Although I still have suicidal thoughts, I have never attempted it. While a positive overall, It has actually made my mental health worse. Using backwards logic, I often think of myself as a coward. Incredibly fucked up, yes, but to this day I regard myself as too afraid to kill myself, and it only makes my hatred towards me as a person stronger.

As of now, I think I'm mentally stronger than I was a little over a year ago. I still keep in touch with my friends, and I've learned to handle situations better. I take anti-depressants that are not over the counter, and whether that has actually helped, or just covered up the problem with a Band-Aid, I couldn't say. Either way, I'm far from cured. I still feel actively detached from the world around me, and graduating from HS this year with zero future has me terrified. I always feel shitty for relying on my friends for support, it's not like they asked to deal with my heaps of emotional problems. It makes me feel like I'm pity pandering, and I hate that. But I have realized that I cannot continue to rely on myself.
 
Around March 2019 was when I first actively considered suicide. It was such a surreal experience for me, because I always considered myself "above" that in a sense. As in, "I may be depressed, but I'd never even think about suicide." Looking back on it, repeating that to myself was more of a coping mechanism than an actually true statement. I had experienced my sister and her depression first-hand, and it was something that I cannot forget. I remember vividly having to rush to the hospital because my sister had cut her wrists. It scarred me, and it put this idea into my head that I would never do something like that. And, I haven't. Although I still have suicidal thoughts, I have never attempted it. While a positive overall, It has actually made my mental health worse. Using backwards logic, I often think of myself as a coward. Incredibly fucked up, yes, but to this day I regard myself as too afraid to kill myself, and it only makes my hatred towards me as a person stronger.
I feel I can relate to this whole section quite a bit. I have for years told myself that I’m too afraid to actually commit suicide. Afraid of the physical pain, afraid of actual death, afraid of missing the experiences I’ve longed for because I gave up too soon, afraid for my mother (who confided in me that even now approaching her sixties, she still self harms). The way I look at it though is this cowardice has at times been the only thing keeping me going in a backwards way. If I wasn’t afraid, I wouldn’t be here. I very easily slip into self loathing, but I can’t hate myself for being afraid to die. That fear is a good thing in the same way fear can protect you in any dangerous situation, in this case it protects me when the danger is myself.

Like you, I’ve witnessed depression, self destruction, and suicide in my immediate family. This is... such a complicated mix of emotions to experience, especially growing up. My grandmother attempted first when I was very young, which led to my mother screaming and crying. Not long after my mother attempted too, and I sat in bed with her as she recovered and ranted nonsensically. She attempted again not long after that, but was stopped by my stepfather. Then my sister tried to jump off a bridge, but was stopped by my mother. Then my other sister attempted but was caught by her roommate. Many many years later after growing up surrounded on all sides by self destructive people, I am not surprised I am the way that I am. When I made my attempt I panicked immediately after and ran to my best friend, who I lived with at the time. He took care of me. Do I feel bad for burdening him with that? I don’t know. It’s a burden I’ve had since early childhood, I can’t even separate it from myself. It’s integral to my upbringing, which is fucked up, but *shrug* I know it hurt him to see me like that... but people hurt each other, that’s how life is. It helped me realize that I didn’t always need to turn all of these emotions inward and hurt myself. I would (and have) do anything for him now, because even if he felt burdened, he still helped me when I needed him.

I will say though, as an adult I feel I am able to pull people out of that dark place better because of my own experiences. My sister was suicidal again when she lost her baby a few years back. We spent so many hours just talking about it. I couldn’t fix anything for her, but I was there. I hope that I made that experience just a tiny bit more bearable for her.
 

Mr.E

unban me from Discord
is a Two-Time Past SPL Champion
Death is arguably much preferable to life, if anything is cowardly it's killing yourself rather than deigning to endure the suffering long enough to find the light or die trying. Back in the day when I at least considered suicide an option (I don't anymore), I was never afraid of death. I was afraid of failing and having to continue to live an even worse life, piling disfigurement and cognitive disfunction and possibly confinement in a padded room on top of life's existing problems because society insists life is so innately precious that we as individuals aren't allowed to opt out of agreeing with that sentiment. But I'd say it's a matter of pragmatism. One might be influenced by fear to act one way or the other, but there is nothing inherently cowardly about either choice.

Nothing much to report on my end, still as alone as ever. The bad feelings come and go. It's mostly at night when I'm ruminating and reading depressing shit on Reddit I probably would be better off not reading that I get most down and it drives my chronic insomnia/undersleeping. A woman from my yoga classes recently added me as a friend on Facebook. She's happily married and significantly older, so this isn't liable to lead to any meaningful gains in the socioromantic realm, but it's nice to realize I might not be completely invisible. Maybe someday I'll be acknowledged by a reasonably attractive, single woman my age. Preferably before I hit my 40's.
 

faded love

never-ending summer!
is a Tiering Contributor
To preface this, I would like to thank my friends yeezyknows, Finchinator, and Funbot28 for being brave enough to share their stories and inspire me to share my own, as well as CBU, Sage, and vivalospride for being there for me at my lowest points.

Also, if you find any syntactical errors, please do your best to forgive them, similar to my intellect, my typing skills are not up to the level I want from them.

Anyway, here goes:



I won’t bore you with the entirety of my depression story. Like most others, the discovery that I had it came after a series of agonizing sessions with my therapist, exploratory google searches, and a relentless feeling of confusion.

I don’t remember the day it really set it in that I have this illness of neurochemistry that dictates large swaths of how I live on a whim, but I do remember the innumerable questions it raised when it did.

I remember them because they still plague me to this very moment.

“Why?” is usually the most pressing one.

As I write this, the current pandemic has disrupted all of my senior year activities. Things like Prom and the Farewell Pep Rally are cancelled, and Graduation is currently up in the air leaving me to wonder why this would have to happen as yet another link in a long chain of disappointments in my life so far.

I’m also wondering why my brain has to work like this, why the things in life I loved so much before stop mattering, why all my motivation drains without me willing it to, why any of the things in my life are the way they are.

Such is the human condition to ask these matters of existence, I know.

I can’t ignore them like most others do is the problem, and this is compounded by my meager intellect being wholly insufficient in finding any clues to the answer I hunger for.


As I write this, I’m looking out of my second floor room’s window.

It’s bright out, typical of California in May. The sun is an incessant child, often staying out for far longer than what is considered comfortable for me. The leaves of the trees are blowing in the wind. The rare echoes of passerby vehicles are the only things populating the soundscape.

In spite of all of this natural beauty, parts of me I’d rather wish didn’t exist, parts that I wish I was strong enough to ignore, are whispering into me to just get over myself and do it, to take it upon myself to shuffle of this mortal coil, with gravity and concrete as my accomplices, as death is the only escape from this gnawing ache in my chest, these unanswerable questions, that actually works permanently.

Of course, I am not going to do it. I don’t plan on coming to an end today or tomorrow, or for a while for that matter.

But, I can’t help but indulge in wondering why my brain has to do this, has to taint anything remotely good in life that comes my way.

And there are the questions again, and I know the questions of why lead to questions of escape which lead inevitably to those damned whispers.

The cycle repeats.

The snake eats its tail.

I know it gets better, because I’ve cycled through depressive episodes and non-depressive episodes before, but it’s a hard road to walk.

It’s the only one I have right now though, so take that for what you will.

Now, if only sunset could come a little quicker.
 

Death Phenomeno

I'm polite so just for clarity, when I'm cross I
is a Contributor Alumnus
I'm going to tell you a small part of my story. Despite this, I'm afraid that this is not going to be short, and there will not be a TL;DR. I have to share it, though. So I hope that I don't make you feel like you're wasting your time.

I'm going to spoil this, however, and tell you that I've just beaten my most horrible depression in more that 30 years, and I need to get this "out there" or it will drive me (more) insane.

Here we go:

It was around New Year's Eve, 2015. I had recently discovered Twitch, thanks to a certain famous stream which name shan't be spoken here. I had just dropped out of college, again. My insomnia had come back in full force, again. I had gotten an easy job just so my family wouldn't bother me with "being around all day in the house being a parasite", again. I had just restarted things with my SO after some nasty times. And I promised myself, this year is going to be better. Yeah, that didn't happen.

2015 was my worst year up to that point. I should've seen it coming, when I suddenly stopped filming an ORAS play through. I stopped filming, and I didn't care. I stopped filming, and I left those files in my hard drive to rot. Me not caring about something I love should've raised all the alarms, yet none of them rung.

Instead of changing to improve my situation, future, or whatever, I found myself doing the same. Everything became a routine; my SO, my job, my family, my wants, my wishes… I could go on and on about this all day. There was always an excuse, there was always an empty promise that I would give myself and say "tomorrow I'll start improving". We all know that tomorrow that will never come, don't we? Instead, all I ever did was watch random streams on Twitch. At one point I wasn't even paying attention to the streams; just like last century one would've said I have the TV on but I'm not looking at the static.

Stupidly, I was wasting more energy in trying to put up a believable front just so people wouldn't pester me with "are you OK?" questions, rather than actually being OK. To be honest, I don't even remember what actually being OK feels.

Oh, but of course I was never to blame, oh no. It was always someone, or something else that would be to blame for my misfortunes. Family? Check. SO? Check. Poverty? Check. Schools? Check. Weather? Check. A universe conspiring against me? Check.

As long as I could blame someone or something for everything that was wrong, I would. It was comfortable. Yes, that's the term, comfortable. It was just easy to live in my own misery and blaming everything else, and then get angry when people wouldn't get off my back. At the same time I was exhausted. I was so exhausted of having to deal with everything and everyone around me. If I'm making a good show of me being OK, then why don't you leave me alone?

Why do you keep pestering me? I don't pester you, why do you keep pestering me? Just leave me alone. Leave me alone! Why doesn't everyone else mind their fucking business and leave me alone!?

The only thing that I was sincere about is that I wished to go find a cave in the middle of nowhere, get in, and never see another human being. Yeah, that was the answer, never see another human being. Just leave me alone. I'm just go lie down in a cave, and rest. Rest. Rest from everything, rest from everyone. Just… rest.

Rest… forever.

And then it hit me. I haven't thought about suicide since 2012, but maybe I should revisit the idea. Twice I tried, but one time my mother almost walked on me and I managed to hide it and she wouldn't leave, so I had to postpone it; and the other time, well… I just couldn't do it, all I could think about was that my mother would be sad, and I couldn't shake it off, I couldn't. So I didn't do it. A sign? Maybe, maybe not.

I don't remember it very well, But I believe that's when I approached my SO and said, Honey, I don't feel OK. Less than a week later, I was seeing both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. At the time of writing this, I'm still seeing them both.

This isn't the end of the story, of course it isn't. I'm omitting plenty of it. But I wanted it to end on a good note. Remember when I said that I left some files to rot? I recently remembered that they were there. And they were, in fact, still there. I grabbed the game and my very very bad camera and finished filming. I uploaded it even though it is outdated by 5 years, but I don't care. It was about remembering that there was something I loved, unfinished. I don't know why, but that has helped me a lot these past couple of weeks.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is, if you leave something you love, and you don't care, it could very well be a sign of something far worse. Probably not even noticeable, but if it's there, it'll drag you all the way to the bottom.
 
As a horrendous and complete monster, I cannot find any moral or intellectual justification to stop hating myself. All the smartest people in the world would agree with me. Anything people bring up I can easily refute. I can only find pragmatic reasons to stop hating myself....but those mean nothing to the moral and intellectual reasons to hate myself.

Speaking that I live in the US, it'd certainly be a bit easier to get a gun license, get a shotgun with buckshot, point it to my cerebrum, and pull the trigger. Bam. Done. High chance of success. Certainly cheaper than getting a therapist, of which I've no money or insurance for (no, I don't feel I necessarily deserve medical insurance.). No one would really care if I did off myself. One less drain on society gone.
 

Finland

TRUE!
is a Top Social Media Contributoris a Top Contributoris a Smogon Media Contributoris a Battle Simulator Moderator Alumnus
ive had a long struggle with depression, or something of its ilk, for the past couple years. it was a combination of stuff that brought it to boil. having no like for my college studies (which i am thankfully changing), things associated with being transgender and not feeling right in my body, troubles with my peculiar social and personality inclinations, views of life and the human experience that benefitted from updating. those sorts of things. i've had a few really bad days, but i'm seeing the light, and i am glad for that.

i hope that you one day can catch the light too, King Feraligatr.
 
Beware this may have at least 2 million grammatical errors. I'll try to look over it and clean it up the best i can. Though for reference now i am a 18 year old who grew up in Englewood in Chicago. Englewood is a pretty shit area so uhh don't go there. I made this as a spoiler because it's pretty lengthy btw.

I've struggled with depression a good deal of my life, starting at around 9 or 10 years old. My depression stems from a multitude of different mental issues i face ranging from social anxiety, separation problems, paranoia disorders. A LOT of this is worsened by the fact i have an unidentified schizo-effective disorder which causes me to have audible and visual hallucinations. Having all of these things at the age of 9 or 10 caused me to be a complete shut in, i had little to no friends and was extremely awkward socially. Was a complete outcast and often was made fun of because i spoke to myself and the voices i was hearing in my head, as well as being made fun of because i was crying all the damn time because i was scared shitless of not knowing what or who was speaking to me or what i was seeing due to visual and audible hallucinations.

Went to a lot of in patient hospitals in Chicago and got diagnosed fairly easily with a few things. Advance a good few years to high school cause nothing major really happened between that and 10th grade. But, I got prescribed Letuda which is an anti-psychotic. Fairly low dosage if i remember correctly. It helped quite a bit and still does because i still take the same medicine to this day just a much higher dosage. But this was around maybe 10th grade and this was around the time my Aunt died from lung cancer. This specific aunt always helped me with shit i was going through, she always hugged me and made me feel like i was safe and wasn't alone. This death left a big dent in me, i was not able to function at all. A few "friends" at the time slipped me a few pills, really sketchy ass pills but they were Vicodin which is an opiate. I took them and it didn't take me long to get hooked on these fuckers and ended up branching off into a shitload of different pills and drugs. All of this to treat the depression i was going through because i felt so alone, my parents never really helped me through it and my sister was always out doing stuff with her friends. Fast foward into July of that year, it's summer and going into my Junior year. One of my closest friends from middle school was killed in a drive by. This nearly "broke the straw on the camels back" if you put it that way. I was basically done with life, and in my mind i was basically losing everyone i loved and i never knew why it was me who had to be cursed with living this absolute hell. I was suicidal but was too pussy to ever go through with it because i hate feeling pain and still do to this day. So again all i had was drugs and i basically lost most of my friends at that current school cause i cut everyone off.

Fast forward into junior year and everything is pretty much the same. Except i am a bit worse and lost a few more friends but at that point i was so mentally fucked that nothing really was taking it much lower. I was already at rock bottom, and it sucks having to go to multiple funerals of close friends and seeing their families torn and seeing some of them in open casket. All i have to remember them is memories and videos from when we were little kids doing weird shit in the front lawn. But i ended up trying my hardest to move forward through all of the stuff i was going through. I tried to socialize the best i could, it was cringe attempts but it was a glorious attempt. I tried to be someone i wasn't and was trying to copy other people to fit in. Didn't work, so i said "fuck it" and ended up being myself for a change and somehow it paid off. Irl i am bluntly honest, i say the first thing that pops into my head and i am memey to shit. I became a chad and grew the balls to speak to girls and it paid off somewhat. I went through countless relationships and most of them ended due to me being a complete junkie. (btw i go by girl from nowhere and baker phonk but i am not a girl, girl from nowhere is a Thai series.) Most of the break ups effected me in a negative way but after a while i got used to getting dumped cause the girls weren't the issue it's my horrible over reliance on drugs to cope with my demons. Surprisingly in the winter break of Junior year i was able to bag a female and we clicked fairly quickly. We were both really awkward socially and liked anime and shit so we always used to go over each others house and watch anime or play video games. Talk about life and other real cringe but adorable shit. She's been by my side since Junior year and is still with me, she's one of the main reason i decided to go to rehab in senior year and clean myself up.

Fast forward to senior year, i got moved out of my regular high school to online courses in a therapeutic online school where i could have 1 on 1 convos with a therapist and speak my mind about how i felt. Senior year surprisingly was extremely smooth after i got removed from my current school. I got the help i needed and was given Suboxone in rehab to treat my addiction! I still deal with extremely severe mental disorders which hinder me in many ways but i try my hardest to go on and go through life the best i can. But i still have some of the closest friends irl that i talk to all the time and i still have all my deceased friends with me in spirit and a girlfriend that i really do mess with to this day. Even on this site i have people i consider my friends that i love talking to when i get the chance, N_Mareanie, Butler, Niadev, Faded Love, Watermess and many more that i hope are doing well. I love each and every person i consider my friend irl and on the internet and hope you guys cherish every day you have on this planet and every person you consider a friend <3. Also drugs are bad take it from me lol.

Edit: I wanna make a quick edit and say this before you guys wonder. Yeah working jobs are pretty annoying for me, i ceased working physical jobs after my last job at Starbucks. Due to not having the best social skills or really anything so i left cause i didn't want my shit customer service to give their joint a bad rep. So i work as an audio engineer "self employed" ig u can put it and earn a decent amount of money that way till college.
 
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Just made this account and it may seem weird to post this so early, but I'm very depressed. I came out as Bi three months ago and my mother has treated me harshly ever since. I've wanted to tell people and talk but I have no one to talk to. I'm always left on read and ignored, so I literally have no one. I'm fucking lonely as hell and cry myself to sleep pretty much every day. Sometimes I'll just stare at the wall and wonder why I haven't killed myself yet. I've cut myself for about two weeks now, and I've had suicidal thoughts almost my entire life. I feel like my life is an eternal hole of pain and suffering that I just keep spiraling further and further down.
 

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