Hello, everyone
Decided to make a post here, as I have been reading through this thread in the last couple of days and do emphatize everyone who shared their experiences. It also kind of shocked me to come by messages of players I find cool. I want to leave a footprint. I care
My childhood was fine, I don't recall anything bad. Haven't dragged any friends from those days, but I don't care. During elemtary school I started getting some low self-esteem problems, because of dumb kids, but eh, what can you do? Wouldn't get invited to parties and got bruised every now and then, maybe because I was overweight? Nah, can't be. I have always acted dumb and been the clown; I used to love making people laugh. I didn't do it to become popular, there's no such thing as a whole "school society" in grades first-eighth, in Italy. I guess that backfires, especially if you can't contain the freak that you are! Haven't dragged any friends from those days, but it's not a shock, I had none. Except for a dude I recently met again. Recently, yeah, as in before COVID-19. We fell out of touch, I lost the mobile I had his number saved on. There's social media, but I never looked for him again. Back to the overweight thingy, I don't think that affected my social as much, but it would give light to some weird interactions, that definitely hit my morale and self-esteem (I used to start crying during classes for no reason and I hide it or make up something). This also bloomied into precocius self appearance concerns that I have been carrying to this day. Overall, I was a pretty messed up kid. Middle school was a relatively intense time. My father lost his job; money were not a concern, as my mother has a stable and profitable one. My dad was really nervous those days.
Going back a little, I haven't told you everything about those bruises I talked about earlier. My dad (and I guess myself too) is a really weird guy. He would make jokes at me all the times and that really stressed me as a kid. He would throw in a joke about my appearance too sometimes and that really hurt. So yeah, he had lost his job, he was nervous, I was nervous: I could not stand him anymore, he was too much of a dick, he would do nothing but watch tv all day. Tv was turned up to maximum all the times, it would get in my hears, scratching my inside and making me go nuts. I would destroy my bedroom, mess with my face and hair, try tearing myself apart with my hands, every night I would start screaming and crying. One day I got into a fight with my dad. I started screaming at him and he threw some metal thing at my face. It hit me on my right eye brow, making me bleed. I still got my eye brow "burnt" today. I looked at myself in the mirror for some instants and eventually screamed super hard, I was about to turn super saiyan. I jumped on him and started beating him until I got on his leg. I kicked it many times and very hard, in the end he layed on the floor saying nothing and that was it. I can't remember what happened after all of that. This violence peak lasted for a few weeks I think. All the interactions I had with my dad made me more fragile overtime. It would take nothing to make me cry and used to do it very often during classes for whatever thing. A comment about my hair being too long, about my weight, about my nose, about my voice, anything would hit me like a truck. I don't think I should say or even immagine something like this, but maybe it made my teachers pull the trigger and make fun of me more often, or maybe it was just my head messing with me, making me suffer more and think I was a target even tho every other kid had their fair share too. My days at school were fun overall, maybe because I was far from my dad? He really kept stressing me out for a long time. Probably not, tho. I actually fell in love for the first time during those days, being rejected, of course, but I got to say, what's more fun than being a desperate lover? I also made some very good friends, two brothers I am close to even today and two other guys, who I "ganged" and had a lot fun with. We fell out of touch, again, I lost the mobile I had everyone's numbers on just before COVID-19 happened. Thankfully I have been able to reach them and we should meet soon.
Well...what about my mom? During those years she got ill with breast tumor and this stroke everything. She was kept in hospital for some time, and I remember the days spent there, the times waiting for her while she was under chemotherapy and falling asleep in the waiting room, the relatives coming by, the hugs I gave her while she was layed on that damn hospital bed. I think this period really changed me. I just became a lot calmer, I could compare myself to ash after the fire has expired. I still couldn't stand my dad or myself even, but I just wouldn't be as active as I once was.
Maybe because everything now revolved around my mother's conditions and my dad was focused on that too. I think this made my family closer, a ill, isolated family still, but closer. After my mother was dismissed my life got back to normal, but something was different: I would not get angry as often, but I was sad all the times, even at school, I would shut up more. My mother also had no hair! And I tried to help her when doing chores. Summertime has always been weird for me, I just always hated going at the beach, just not being able to enjoy the experience. My mother loves going at the beach tho, so we would get in fights often. The few times I hit the beach I would be worried about what other would think of me and my body. The fear of being considered miserable or simply judged divoured me all the times and has been until recently. Depresson got me, my whole first year of high school was spent saying nothing or letting my freak-self get out time to time, staying at home. I made some really great friends who even invited me in their homes time to time, but I was still alone, trapped under the rule of my anger and how miserable I was, hidden in my sadness.
My life hit a turning point on a valentines day: I confessed my love to a girl, had even brought her a rose. After that, I got no response and we just hadn't been talking anymore. A straight no would have made me suffer less. I was going to get killed by my miserability, I wouldn't stop crying all day and every day. For the first time in my life, I really started hating myself. Going back, I sure did exagerate, bringing a rose to a girl I almost never talked with, but yeah, weird people will do weird things. After that, I asked my mom if I could join a gym to become better looking, a classic. I must say that it really changed my life, not because I actually got better looking, but because I saw a light, self improvement. We also contacted a nutritionist, got on a diet and slowly started losing weight and gaining muscle. It has been a few years since then and have now lost something over 30kgs, but the way was and is long and hard. I have been crying often still, but my morale has been improving overall. I have been getting into new things: drawing, different sports, reading. I think the only way to save ourselves is giving it all whatever happens, let curiosity do its thing and looking at that light very far away. I am still drown in anger and miserability, but my little and true self is putting up a stubborn fight. About my concerns, my dad is ill: he suffers of diabetes and it has been killing him for a long time. He is just almost not able to walk anymore and has given me and my mom some scares. He has got some heart problems and was operated a year back. Sadly, he won't stop drinking coffes and smoking. His head doesn't work as well. Even after all the horrible things that have happened, I love him. Deep inside he is a nice guy. I do think he suffers of schizophrenia at this point, my mom is going to make him have a medical check. I am very worried about him. I know that I am going to come home from school and get a bad new, that I will wake up one night to the worst, that I will get some more scares before it happens. I know he won't change, I know he won't work on himself, maybe because of our past, I can't trust him anymore. I recently got mad at him because he won't take care of himself and it actually was going to happen again, he got a statue in his hand and was about to throw it at my face. Nothing bad happened, but yeah, my dad just doesn't know better. He grew up getting beat by his mom, while my grandpa died when he was 16, which really killed his soul. His brother died recently of diabetes, he just wouldn't assume his insuline anymore. These are the reasons he is like this now. These are the reasons I forgive him. Everyone has a reason to be forgiven. I forgive myself, but I can't stand the way I get randomly angry at times and really should try to work on that, before I really fall into some schizophrenia illness or something. Please forgive everyone who hurt you, we really all are one big family. Forgive yourselves and give attention to that little self trying to save you. I also got to say that I now love hitting the beach, maybe because I don't get as tired, maybe because I don't worry about myself as much anymore; but yeah, if you work on yourself, many more ways will open. I wish the best of luck to everyone
